My Day

Happy New Year

2012-01-03T00:16:00.000-05:00

Wow, it has been a long time!
This last year has been CRAZY. It had many hardships, like every other year, but it also had some very good points. I have been truly blessed, and for the first time in my life, I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I love my life, I love my fiance and our son, I love our new house, and I am truly happy :)

As far as weight loss goes... I have been slowly gaining back the weight I lost for over a year now. Today was the first time I weighed myself in about 7 months. I am 10 pounds away from my starting weight. So I didn't gain it ALL back... Today is the first time in a LONG time I feel excited about losing weight. My life is so much better now, I know I will do great. Wish me luck!!! :)

I always hated when a blogger just shut down the blog without saying anything, so I didn't want to do that to you who supported me.
I want to thank you with all my heart.
I have always been a very private person, and this was a great experiance. It has taken me so long to say goodbye, because I really thought I would start blogging again...

But it's time to say goodbye.

I guess because I really put myself out there, I couldn't take it when my private life was thrown in my face, or when my honesty was questioned. Don't get me wrong, the constructive criticism was great, and the random 'anonymous' asshole, or the King Trolls just made me laugh... I'm talking about people acting like they support you, are your friend even, and then completely turn on you... especially when they never been through it. Especially when I was completely honest about everything and then called a liar. That's just negativity I don't need. I had so much drama and real issues in my real life, I just didn't need any petty bull shit from anywhere else. Needless to say, that negativity pushed me away from blogging a long time ago.

It really was mostly a great experience :) Everyone of you that I follow, I follow for a reason. I want to thank you for your support when I needed it, and I will never forget it!!!
I wish you all the best!!! Have a Happy 2012, and beyond!
Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart!
Sincerely,
~Tina

'when writing the story of your life, never let someone else hold the pen'

Happy Easter!

2011-04-24T23:32:00.000-04:00

How ever you celebrated, I hope you were with the ones you love and had a great day!

I don't feel 100%, but I do feel Lucky

2011-03-18T00:45:00.001-04:00

My mood was good. It was so beautiful! I got to have my windows open and everything! The only snow left is the mountains at the end of the streets from the plows :)

My food? Not so great. I slept in, and now am up late... and hungry :( I did ok for meals, but had 3 cookies instead of one... AND a 320 calorie danish this morning...
I want to be able to have just one, but maybe Jo is right. I should just cut off the sweets all together for now... because just one didn't work very well today...
I got in 20 oz of water, but tomorrow I want to get back to getting at least 40. I'll go back to using a water bottle, thanks colenic! :)

I didn't get on the treadmill. I did some laundry, so it has a bunch of clothes drying on it right now in fact. I'm not going to promise I'll get on it tomorrow, because I probably won't. I did work up a little sweat just doing dishes and some cleaning... I have really neglected the house for the last 2 months...

My depression was very deep, and now I have the aftermath to deal with. Things I've neglected, bills, laundry, you name it. A lot has happened, but now that I'm starting to feel better, I don't really want to think about it. The issues aren't really resolved, so they may come up later... but for now I'm going to try and be happy. Especially with everything going on in the world right now... I don't want to complain. I feel very blessed. Today wasn't the best, but oh my goodness it could have been much worse! Tomorrow will be better :)

On this St. Patrick's Day I am feeling very lucky. Lucky I don't live in the middle east. Lucky I don't have to deal with an earth quake, tsunami, or anything else Japan is dealing with. Lucky I do not live near a nuclear power plant... Lucky Ray works close, and I don't have to spend a fortune on these crazy gas prices. Lucky to have my fiance who loves me and my son who is my world. Lucky to be alive.

Happy St. Patrick's Day. I hope you are feeling lucky!

Or at least drinking a green beer lol :)

Just popping in...

2011-03-17T00:43:00.000-04:00

I don't have much to report, I really want to get back in the habit though!

Today I didn't do so well, it was an average day I guess (my new average that is). Hardly any water :( NOT good. Also ordered a burrito, but I can say that I got full and only ate half of it. It was still way to much food, but better than I've been doing... I didn't eat the rest of it.

Even though I didn't do so well, I feel great today :) The snow is melting, and it might get up to 60 degrees tomorrow! Woo Hoo!!! ALL the snow should be gone by tomorrow night :) I think the weather has a lot to do with how depressed I have been. The sun really did me good today. Oh, and I saw my first robin today! That means spring is here right!

Tomorrow I get serious. Slow and steady is still the plan. I'm going to concentrate on drinking enough and JUST ONE. I'll allow myself a cookie in the morning, but only ONE... not 4 like today...

Weigh in is Monday as usual, I don't expect any big loss, but if I do well for the next 4 days... I think 1 pound is a reasonable amount to hope for! lol, slow and steady :)

I hope everyone had a good day!

Where I'm At...

2011-03-15T18:02:00.001-04:00

Hi everybody :)
I hope all is well here in Blogland! I've missed it, haven't really been around in 2 months!
I have to say hello to Wendy:), Sorry I've been such a bad hostess to a new follower!

I have been going through a lot these last 2 months, not that it's much different than before... I've just handled it much worse...

Treadmill
I did very well staying on the treadmill every day, for about a month and a half. Then I missed a day, and struggled after that, until I just quit all together. It's been about 3 weeks since I've been on it.

Food
That has been pretty much whatever I want. I actually do ok with portions most of the time, what I'm eating isn't good. I have coffee with 1/2 serving cappuccino mix (55 calories) every morning, but I also have something sweet with it. SOMETHING SWEET ALMOST EVERY MORNING... Like cookies, donuts, danish... Something new for me. Then a cappuccino later (110 cal) most of the time... and sometimes another sweet thing with that!
I haven't been writing what I eat. I stopped on purpose, thinking that it might help... I felt like ALL I thought about was food... I didn't plan on stopping my blog though. So I think I will try and do well without recording the food... It hasn't worked in about 8 months now. It worked at first, but you know what??? I was so motivated and excited ANYTHING would have worked... After recording everything for over a year, I think I know calories pretty well, and portion sizes... but if I feel it will help, I'll go back to it... We'll see what happens :)

The Weight
Every week I thought I would get back to blogging. So I weighed in every Monday, and took a picture every time. My camera is full of pictures of the scale lol. I will update the side chart properly when I get the camera and have the dates and weights. For now I've updated the stats. I am now at 294 pounds, a gain of 7 pounds this year. :( Makes me sick... I have gained back 16 pounds of my highest loss of 42 pounds :( I hoped to never see the 280s again, and here I am in the 290s!
It doesn't do any good to concentrate on the what ifs, or I should haves... I'm lucky I didn't gain more I guess...

So anyway, I am back :) I don't have any set plan, just watch my portions and stop with all the sweet stuff, and as always: cut back on the fast food! I still need to lose weight, and still have all the same hopes and reasons as when I started this blog last year... I am just having a hard time getting motivated, and staying dedicated to it. I know I NEED to though. I'm hoping that being back in Blogland will help me :) Reading all of yours always motivates me, and writing helps with stress...

If your still here thank you :)
If your not, or don't want to be, that's cool. Better to follow a blog that is more suited to you. I sure don't need any more negativity that's for sure!

Ok, here we go again... See you later!

Happy Valentines Day!

2011-02-14T02:00:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody :)
I know I've been MIA, and I'm sorry. I'll be back soon!
Been thinking of a lot of you, I hope everyone is doing well!
I wanted to pop in and say Happy Valentines Day :)
This is mine and Ray's song, enjoy.

Monday- the NEW Weigh Day!

2011-01-11T00:06:00.002-05:00

And the scale says...

That's a loss of 0 pounds this week

Keeping my Total loss at 33 pounds

Treadmill Totals: 2 hours 6 min/ 4.9 miles

and that's not counting last Saturday/Sunday!

This is the best I've done in the last 3 months :)

Of course I wish it was a loss, but I'm happy with no gain! My eating was not good this week, And after my new Years weekend... I was actually up to over 289!!!

Now I feel good, and motivated. Does that mean I'm going to be perfect? No. But I will try harder and do what I need to do.

Usually on weigh day I have all morning until I have to commit to the number on the scale. But not today. I weighed in and had to go. My brother JW is leaving for Texas for work, and we went to lunch with him. At our favorite Chinese buffet of course... It was nice. Me, Ray and we even let our son out of school so he could come see his Uncle before he left. After we dropped him back at school and JW back home, of course I cried a little. He might be gone for a year this time... I'll miss him. And I worry about him. But I would have been fine except he said "Love you" to us when he got out. He doesn't say that, ever.

Ughh. I'm tearing up right now!

Enough of that....

Here's what I ate today:

Coffee: 55
Double Mocha Cappuccino

Snack: 46

4 cinnamon roasted almonds (10g)

Lunch: 1100?

Chinese Buffet 1 1/2 plates: 3/4 cup veggie fried rice, 1 egg role, 5 SMALL pieces of battered chicken, 3 small piece of sesame chicken, 5 crab rangoon, 1/4 cup mongolian beef, 1/2 cup Broccoli chicken, 2 mushrooms, 2 tbs sweet and sour, 1 tsp soy sauce, water, 1 tiny piece of cake (2 bites), 3 tiny sweet things... a partridge in a pear tree...

Snack: 17

1 chocolate covered pretzel

Bite: 15?

1 bite of potato soup

Iced coffee: 70

with 2 tbs Peppermint Mocha liquid creamer

Snack: 151

Almonds- 14 natural (16g) and 6 cinnamon roasted (13g)

Bite: 28

3 Peppercorn Ranch Sunchips

Total Water: 42 oz

Total Calories: about 1482

I had to guess for lunch, and I think I over guessed... but maybe not? I don't know.

I'm pretty happy with today. I am getting a little hungry, so I'll probably have cereal. If I do I'll be back to write it! I will still be below 2000 :)

Treadmill: 30 minutes/ 1.18 miles with 2 lb weights for 5 minutes

Listening to some of Ray's music, weeding out what I don't want on my playlist :) It makes the time go by so much faster!!!!

In other news, I lost a follower today!!!! *GASP*

No, I'm ok. I was just surprised to see the number down one. I'm not sure who it is yet, was trying to figure it out! I must have offended someone with my last post... that's ok, I guess they don't want to join us in being F*ckin Perfect lol :) oh well, I'm sure it won't be the last time I lose a follower...

Ok, I'm gonna go now.... Wish me luck. I'm going to need all the positive vibes I can get. It's 11:56pm, and Ray is cooking a chicken wrap. He is going to eat a chicken wrap in front of me!!! With all it's cheesy goodness.... ..... ..... .....

2 days ago, I'd eat one too. Shoot, Yesterday I would have probably eaten one too! But not tonight. I feel good, and proud of myself and I don't want to ruin that.

Have a good night everyone!!!!!

You're Fuck*n Perfect!

2011-01-10T10:41:00.000-05:00

Just heard this for the first time,
It's just what I needed to hear.

I would never change just to be accepted, or fit in...
I need to lose weight though, to be healthy and feel good!

Besides that I'm fuckin perfect, and so are you! ;)

Happy New Year!

2011-01-10T03:41:00.000-05:00

I know... that was over a week ago...
But as you may know, I haven't really FELT like it's a new year...
I was having a hard time getting motivated.

I have decided to change my weigh in to Mondays this year... last year it worked fine in the beginning to have it on Friday... but I was doing GREAT, it could have been on any day!
Once I started messing up, the worst times where weekends. So hopefully knowing I have to weigh in on Monday will help me do better over that dreaded weekend...

Did that help for this weekend?
Yes, I think it did. I snacked more than I should have,
but not as much as I would have...
I don't think :)
Even with the snacking, my calories have been under 2000,
In fact, today I wasn't hungry most of the day.

Been getting in my water. 36 oz today, 44 yesterday, and 66 Friday! 66 is a lot for me, I will be happy with 40 per day, that's what I'm shooting for. Oh, and my total water isn't counting coffee or anything- just plain ole' filtered tap water... from a pitcher in the fridge of course!

I've been on the treadmill EVERY day, following my New Year's Resolution.
But I've hated it everyday... putting it off until late and then just doing it because I have to... 10 minutes yesterday and 18 Friday.
The treadmill is no longer facing the TV since the Christmas tree was put up, and 10 minutes seems to last forever.

But today I made a playlist and Ray put it on his PSP for me, oh my goodness that helps SOOO much! I am happy because I think I'll be fine with it where it is now. So I won't have to have it in the middle of the room facing the TV taking up the whole place!!!
Treadmill for today is:
35 minutes/ 1.38 miles with 2 lb weights for 5 minutes
Woo Hoo!

I did a little maintenance on the blog, got rid of the weight loss record that was going down the right side... you can now find that under the 'Pages' or here
Out with the old, in with the new!
Now that I have that all done and rearranged, I feel better.

I feel like it's a new year now... I hope this feeling lasts!

I feel like I'm rambling, maybe cause I'm overly tired. It's almost 4am and I haven't been to bed yet. I will go as soon as I get home from bringing Ray! Promise!

First weigh in of the year is tomorrow, I'm hoping it's not a gain... I would really like to start the year off with an ok weigh in... but even if it's a gain, I won't let it get me down!
See you tomorrow!!!

Umm... WHERE is Jo???

2011-01-07T11:08:00.002-05:00

*UPDATE: NEVERMIND LOL :) YOU CAN NOW FIND JO AT http://awellkeptlife.blogspot.com/

I don't know if anyone else has been having trouble with blogger... but I have. I have been really bad about keeping up on my blogs, but the last couple days I've been trying to catch up. I was having little problems like, not being able to see older post from some blogs... But today all seems ok...
EXCEPT... I go to check Jo's blog A Well-Kept Live (formally: Weight on Me at 50) and it says it can not be found!
Did she really leave?
A lot of people have stopped blogging, but I've never really been as surprised... Jo was doing great, I know she got sick- but the last post on the roll from a week ago says she was feeling better...
Is it just Blogger messing with me?
Or did she really delete her blog?

Jo! Are you out there???

If you know what's up, let me know please :) Just in case it's just blogger giving me the run around!
Otherwise- if she closed it down I'm sure she has her reasons- and I wish her nothin' but the BEST!!!

Feeling Better, Feeling Thankful

2011-01-07T00:41:00.000-05:00

except for this head ache!
I've had a head ache for 3 days. I've taken ibuprofen and it goes away, but comes right back.

Anyway, I feel better today.
I think it was the whole story about the homeless man with the golden voice... have you seen this? I first seen it a couple days ago, when he was homeless on the side of the street.

When I saw this, I just knew it would blow up on the internet and maybe he really would be able to come out of this! And get a job and who knows what else!

I saw him on the Today Show this morning, and it really just touched me. It's all happening so fast, you can tell he is just kind of shocked by it all. He was pretty emotional, and I just feel so much happiness for him.

An offer from the Cleveland Cavaliers to work AND housing, He recorded stuff for Kraft macaroni, the list goes on...

It is just so nice to hear something good in the media, when all you ever see is bad!

It makes me feel thankful for what I have...

I'm not saying now I will be the perfect eater and loose 10 pounds per week, but I do feel better. I am thankful for what I have, and if he can overcome all of his issues I can definitely do better with mine!

Today's (Thursday) Food-
Coffee: 55
with 1 1/2 tbs DMC
Breakfast: 245
all natural peanut butter on whole wheat, 1 cup ff skim milk
Lunch: 402
2/3 can of tuna on whole wheat with 1/2 tbs miracle whip, pepper jack cheese, pickles. 8 baby carrots and 1 tbs light ranch, water
Snack: 125
4 1/2 slices ham, 1 oz colby jack cheese, water
Dinner: 370
1 cup leftover chicken taco soup, 1 slice of whole wheat, 1 cup milk
Snack: 250
1 cup Berry Colossal Crunch cereal with 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 140
1 cup Rice chex cereal 1/2 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 60
2 pieces of cheese ( 1 pepper jack, 1 colby jack) 21 grams
Total Water: 36 oz
Total Calories: 1647
Well, I kept my calories down! :) I know I snacked a lot... don't know why I can't get enough cereal... or cheese! But I really paid attention to my portions. The 2/3 can of tuna is because I forgot to give my cats the water this time, so I had to give them some of the tuna lol.
I know if I wasn't up so late, that last cereal and cheese wouldn't have even been on there. But I got hungry...

I NEED to go to bed earlier! I was in bed at 9:30 last night. Tonight I fell asleep for about an hour at 8:30! That's not good... cause when I got up I still had to get on the treadmill. I wanted to go to bed, but I knew I had to get on it... I'm glad I did. But now I'm up way to late :( I also need to get on the treadmill earlier, then I wouldn't have this problem!

Get grocery money tomorrow and will have some fruits and healthier snacks in the house... unless the weather is too bad...

Treadmill: 13 minutes/ .50 mile, with 2 lb weights for 5 minutes

Even though my eating hasn't been great, I have been keeping very busy since the new year. Trying to be a better house keeper and just all around moving more! So I do feel like I will have a loss, even with the slow start on the food.

Oh, and it's definitely back to our normal winter here now! I shoveled today, so that's exercise :) We are supposed to be getting 6 to 12 inches by Saturday night... we have a lake effect snow warning now. Yep, back to normal Michigan weather all right... yuck.
I have to be up in about 3 hours to drive Ray, and a co worker to work. In this crap...
But that's ok. Just glad he has a job! And the car is running and can get us there...
Have a good night! :)

Wednesday's Food

2011-01-06T23:54:00.000-05:00

Dinner

Made Chicken Taco Soup

Ray's New Year's resolution

was to stop eating beef...

Have You Seen This?

2011-01-06T08:33:00.002-05:00

While we are shrinking, so is our food!
But it still cost the same....
Companies Shrinking Products Finance Videos Comcast.net

That's good advise, I NEVER buy cereal if it's not on sale :) I just stock up when it is.
She mentions the ice cream, buy Ben and Jerry's because a pint is still actually a pint...
(BUT I'm sure the calories are pretty high, so maybe we should stay away from it anyway :) To be honest, I've never had it)

One that she didn't mention, is Minute Maid. Buy that instead of Tropicana, they are still 64 oz and not raising their price (yet!)

On the Today Show they had a lot more examples of companies that have cut the size of their products in the last 5 months... I can't remember them though... just Scott toilet paper lol...

Pay attention to those sizes!
Happy Shopping!

The Food...

2011-01-05T16:31:00.002-05:00

One of the things I want to make sure to do is at least come and record my food everyday again. Since it's the 5th, you can see I haven't been doing so well with this! I mean... not at all!

Saturday was the 1st, and I'm not sure what I ate. It was like New Years Eve a day late, and it involved drinking, pizza, and I even had some chocolate covered peanuts...

While they were good, they were NOT worth the calories!

Once I saw the calories on the package,

I didn't eat them all. I shared :)

That in my hand is what was in the package,

6 pieces,

anyone want to guess the calories on that?

I'm having trouble with my eating... this is nothing like last year! I was SOO excited, and just had so much motivation... I didn't even wait till the first I started the week before with just cutting out pop and eating a little less. I was doing great! Now... I just don't know. I've been just... I don't know.

I have been keeping track, and while I don't really want to write it down when I'm not doing so great... I will anyway! I really want to make this habit again. I feel like once I get back into the habit of recording it here everyday, it will help me make better choices...

The good news? I have been drinking more water. And I HAVE been sticking to my new years resolutions! I've been on the treadmill EVERY day :) The other one, of loosing 66 pounds this year? I am off to a slow start with food, but I really think I can do it.

So here is the last few days:

Sunday

Coffee: 55 calories

with 1 1/2 tbs Double Mocha Cappuccino

Snack: 130

1/2 cup Honey Nut Chex Mix

Lunch: 350

Turkey Sandwich, water

Dinner: 1415

5 chicken tacos, 1/2 cup spanish rice, 1/2 cup re-fried beans, 1 cup milk

Snack: 115

1/2 cup cereal and 1/2 cup milk

Total Water: 24 oz

Total Calories: 2065

I know... 5 tacos? NO excuse for that...

Treadmill: 10 minutes/ .37 mile

Monday

Snack 4am: 240

1 cup Simply Cinnamon corn flakes and 1 cup 2% milk

Coffee: 55

With 1 1/2 tbs double mocha cappuccino

Breakfast: 285

1 slice whole wheat with 1 tbs all natural peanut butter, 1 cup 2% milk

Snack: 130

Fit&Active Apple Cinnamon Fruit and Grain bar

Snack: 23

Werther's

Cappuccino Double Mocha (2 1/2 rounded tbs): 110

Lunch: 695

Leftovers- 1 chicken taco, 1/2 cup refried beans, 1/2 cup spanish rice

Dinner: 740

General Tso's Chicken (with rice, carrots, broccoli frozen) 1 egg role, 1 cup ff skim milk

Snack: 190

1 cup frosted wheat puffs, 1 cup ff skim milk

Total Water: 36 oz

Total Calories: 2063

I did much better with the tacos today! i was really mad at myself for having 5 before, and am very happy with myself only having one :) But I shouldn't have had such a high calorie dinner, since lunch was. I really have to work on that. If one or the other is high, have a lower calorie meal for the other...

Treadmill: 13 minutes/ .51 mile, with 2 lb weights for 5 minutes

Tuesday

Coffee: 55

with DMC (1 1/2 tbs Double Mocha Cappuccino)

Breakfast: 130

Fit & Active Apple Cinnamon bar

Lunch: 866

Burger King Original Chicken Sandwich, 10 tortilla chips, 1 tbs chili cheese dip

Dinner: 575

1 1/2 servings tuna casserole, 1 slice whole wheat bread, 1 cup ff skim milk

Snack: 200

Simply Cinnamon corn flakes with 1 cup ff skim milk

Total Water: 33 oz

Total Calories: 1826

The tuna casserole came out very good!

this is on a small plate :) To psyche myself out?

It didn't really work though lol

I followed a recipe I got from SkippyMom's blog a while back (mostly). BUT I made the whole bag of egg noodles, when I think I was supposed to use 1/2. So I doubled up on everything, but I didn't have another cream of mushroom soup so I had to use cream of chicken with herbs, or something like that. I had sharp cheddar instead of mild, and didn't really measure the milk, the cheese or peas. But I'm sure it was close lol. (Next time I'm going to make it how the recipe says though)

The verdict? Ray LOVED it. The kid liked it a lot, but "it has to many peas!"
He just don't love peas like his momma do! :)

Treadmill: 27 minutes/ 1.05 miles

This was the 5th day in a row on the treadmill :) It was the longest so far, but I did it a little different. I watched The Biggest Looser (even though I said I'd never watch again after last season!) and got on the treadmill during the commercial breaks :) I know, it wasn't the work out it would have been at one time, but I'm still happy with it. And since the treadmill is turned around now to save room... I can't watch tv on it :( I might have to change that... but I really hate it in the middle of the room taking up so much space! Gonna have to make a decision... If I could get on it earlier, I could try to read while walking... we'll see...

So there you have it. All you've missed. I have to tell you, now that I have it down I feel so much better! I actually hadn't added up the calories for the days until now... and I thought it was much worse. I would like to keep it under 2000 for now... OK, that's done and now I can move forward. Recording my eating daily here. I have been trying to go to bed at night, so I'm not sure if I'll be doing it nightly or in the mornings... but I'll be doing it!

And now that I have a camera that works, expect lots of pictures lol :)

I hope everyone is having a great new year! Even though I have a lot to improve on... I feel good about what's to come :)

* Was going to link to the recipe, but I am having trouble with Skippy's blog :(
So here it is, I'm sure she doesn't mind!!! Right skippy??? :)

As seen on Skippymom's Blog:

3 3/4 cups egg noodles [half a bag]
1 can cream of mushroom soup [low fat/50% less sodium]
1 can [5 oz] chunk light tuna in water
1/2 can of milk
2/3 cup of frozen peas
1/2 cup mild shredded cheddar
pepper to taste [1/4 tsp? about]

Boil the noodles. Drain. Drain tuna. Mix the noodles with the rest of the ingredients, except the cheese. Pour into a casserole dish. Sprinkle cheese over the top. Cover. Bake at 350 degrees for 25 minutes until heated through and cheese melts. Notice I left the cheese off a part of it because I don't like the cheese on mine - besides it just adds to my sodium levels.
Here is the coolest thing tho' -
For six servings - Each serving contains only 250 calories

1st day of the New Year...

2011-01-02T02:18:00.001-05:00

Remember last night when I said it was 55? And NO snow on the ground here in Michigan? Well I wasn't complaining, I was loving it... but I should have kept my mouth shut.

Now it's 19 degrees. From 55 to 19 in one day.
Freeeaking Ridiculous!!!

My first day of the new year was a busy one. LOTS of laundry done and taken to the laundromat. A crappy laundromat, even more crappy than my usual one since that was closed! That and housework and... the treadmill!

Yep, I got on the treadmill, after WEEKS of not touching it.

My New Years Resolutions- #1 loose twice what I lost last year, which will be 66 pounds. #2 Get on the treadmill EVERY day.

Yes, I said EVERY day. No matter what (unless there is something very wrong with me!) I know now that I did best when I did it everyday, if I gave myself a day off it would turn into 2 and then 10... every time! Even if it's a short walk, I must get on it EVERY DAY!

Of course get my eating back on track! But even if I have a bad day with eating (like today) getting on the treadmill is mandatory! No "Oh, I messed up. I'll do good tomorrow and then get on the treadmill..." TREADMILL NO MATTER WHAT!

I want to do my blog everyday, even if it's just to record my calories... or just to say hi :) I don't know why it's so hard lately... my horrible addiction to facebook (mainly Frontierville!) has a lot to do with it...

As I mentioned, my food wasn't great today. It started off SO good, but later I snacked a little to much. And am up way to late and hungry... bleh.

But lets concentrate on the good hmm? Even though it was late, I got on the treadmill :) I was NOT going to start the year off missing a day! So here's today's:

Treadmill: 10 minutes/ .33 mile

Not long, but a great start imo :)

Last night I didn't drink anymore than my one glass... and just got tired. My brother left early, to go to his... girl friends... house. (maybe we'll talk more about that another time lol) The other brothers didn't come. So it was just me Ray and the kid. It was nice :) But I was SO tired and we ended up in bed soon after the ball dropped. Tonight is a different story. It's 2:15, and my brother JUST got here, and Ray and I are drinking what we didn't last night lol. And we're wide awake. SOO it's more like New Year's Eve tonight lol.

I'm ok with today. I know this year will be great :)

I hope every one's year is off to a great start!

Have a Good Night, and a great tomorrow!

New Year's Eve... last weigh in of 2010!

2010-12-31T22:13:00.002-05:00

This will be short, but not sweet :)
My brothers will be here soon, going to be a night in with a little drinking, playing video games, (if I get buzzed enough, I'll be playing guitar hero lol) maybe some dominoes or cards. We'll see!

It is 55 degrees here right now. In Michigan, on New Years Eve, at 10:11pm!!! That is just... crazy. NO snow on the ground... this has been the mildest winter EVER... at least that I can remember!

The main reason I've been away is my eating hasn't been great. I guess it was that end of the year thing I do... knowing that I'll be "starting over" on the first, so I can be bad if I want??? Which is SO STUPID and only hurts ME. The funny thing, last year I didn't have that. I was SO exited to loose weight, and just knew I was going to be able to do it! And I did!!! Until I didn't anymore...

So let's get this last weigh in over with shall we?
The scale says...

287
That's a 2.4 poud
gain from last week.
It makes my total lost:
33 pounds lost for the year

About half of what I unofficially wanted to loose...

As you know I had lost 42 pounds at my best point... and I REALLY didn't want to have to report a year end number less than that!

But it's ok. It is what it is. No sense in the "if onlys" or "I should have" I just have to make sure I do what needs to be done this year! AND STICK WITH IT!

So all is well here :) Not sure about any new resolutions... Just to rededicate myself!

Well, you know what? I do have a goal... I want to lose twice what I did this year :) That would be 66 pounds, and a total loss of 99 pounds. How awesome would that be???

Alright. Bro number 1 is here, got my 1st glass half gone. It looks like there is going to be a major disc golf tournament in the living room... via the PS3 MOVE of course :) Better go watch! Yes I know... I'm a party animal hehe :)

Here's to 2011 being the best year ever! Woo Hoo!

Have a great night!!!! Safe and Happy wishes to you all!!!!

And thanks for sticking by me through 2010, even though sometimes it seemed there were more downs than ups! I appreciate all who supported me, more that you could ever know! 2011 will be better :) I can feel it!!! Or is that the alcohol I feel??? :)

HUGS!!!

Merry Christmas!!!

2010-12-25T22:49:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty tired, and am going to bed now.
I had a great day and I hope you all did too!

It's my first Christmas as a blogger,
and I have to say,
I thought of a lot of you today.

And really hope today was wonderful for you :)

Just wanted to say Merry Christmas!
And no matter what you believe, or where you are...
My only hope is that you feel peace... and that you know you are loved.

That's what matters isn't it? ♥

I'll be back tomorrow (or tonight if I can't sleep!)
For now:
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a GREAT night!

It's Christmas Eve! (and weigh day)

2010-12-24T20:25:00.001-05:00

First let me thank Auntie Mandy for joining us here in My Day! Thank you and Happy Holidays!

And... Merry Christmas Eve Everybody!!!!

Today was also time for my weekly weigh in.

And the scale said...

284.6

That is .2 pound loss this week,

and make my Total Lost: 35.4 pounds.

Still almost 7 pounds away from being in the green... but it's a loss. And sadly enough, a loss 2 weeks in a row is scarce for me these days. Soooo, I've decided to just be happy with it. I may not end the year in the green, and I have accepted that. I have made a LOT of mistakes, but it will do me no good to beat myself up about it. All I can do is my best, and that will have to do. A loss the week before Christmas? I'm happy with it, even it it's only .2 pound :) I will do my best to make it a loss again next week and be happy with what ever number it is! And while it may not end in the "green" I will still end the year with a Total loss! Over 35 pounds less than this time last year! It may be slower than I expected... but 35 pounds is 35 pounds :)

I did get candy yesterday... and it didn't go well! I had way to much of it. Today I did a lot better. I had a few kisses and Hershey miniatures, but nothing like years past. Or yesterday. I am dividing the candy between Ray and my son's stockings, AND making little bags for My Mom, Stepdad, and 3 brothers. So there won't be much left for me. Oh, I'm sure I'll have some, but not 10 pieces at a time!

Me and my son are going to decorate cookies now, the last ones are due out of the oven in 7 minutes 50 seconds :) I'll take some pictures and show you tomorrow! Like on Thanksgiving, most of them will be left at my Mom's.

I am definitely in the Christmas mood :) I'm not letting anything bother me, and am exited for Christmas :)

Have a Merry Christmas Eve! Tomorrow have a wonderful day, and be safe!

*I did NOT take that picture. It is from WEBSHOTS

All Caught Up!

2010-12-22T23:00:00.001-05:00

A quick thank you to ~Layla~, for joining me in my day!

Also, go and visit the review blog by Happy Fun Pants HERE for your last chance to win $150! All you have to do is comment, I think it's until the 28th... If you remember, that's how I won $150 and could afford my camera on Black Friday, and external hard drive I needed :) It's the biggest prize I've ever won in my life!!! It was awesome, so go! Good luck!

I just got all caught up on blogs... it must have taken me 2 hours lol. I took a break in between! Even if I don't write, I really am going to come read at least once per day. I miss out on so much good stuff when I'm gone!!! (and bad stuff... that I could have tried to be supportive about)

I have been writing down everything I eat, but since it hasn't been good, I dreaded writing it here... so I put it off, and now it's almost a week later! How did that even happen? I look at it though, and it's really not a bad as I thought. I had pizza one day, but only 2 slices! I did have a sandwich last night, I stayed up all night and got hungry... and a turkey sandwich was what I really wanted... so I had it. 220 calories... in the middle of the night. The worst thing though, was chips. I bought a bag of multigrain onion chips (Aldi's brand Sunchips) and snacked on them like crazy. Over 2 days, I ate almost the whole bag by myself! Not good, and my body felt like CRAP. Water was doing pretty well, until yesterday and today. I HAVE to get my water in! I really feel it when I don't :(
With the season and having so much trouble keeping up with blogworld, I'm going to give myself a break. I'm not going to worry about recording everything I eat until January first. Actually, I will still write it down (I'm afraid if I stop I won't start again!) but not record it here. Maybe just the highlights :)

A good thing? Besides candy canes, I have resisted Christmas candy in the house. The usual chocolates are not in a dish on the table. Tomorrow I will be buying some though, for the kids stocking... but I will do my best not to go overboard! Not buy BAGS of candy and snack on it all by myself at night like previous years! It's almost Christmas... so all month, without the candy? I'm already ahead :)

I haven't weighed myself since Friday either... so I have NO IDEA...

I've been pretty busy, but after I was done being sick, I have been doing pretty well. Not stressed out too bad. Just remembering that Serenity Prayer!

I am so thankful, we have money to buy presents this year. We always manage, but this year I really wasn't sure... but with Ray's extra hours, christmas money from my Dad, and some luck, we did pretty good! I think my son may have a little less presents than most years, but he has plenty. And I know he'll be happy :) Tomorrow we have to get a few more things (for 2 of my brothers and Mom and Step Dad) and we'll be done shopping :) I'm very thankful. It's going to be a great Christmas :)

I already made sure that my brother understands I expect it to be family friendly over there when my son is around. So no weed, and I'm very relieved that he handled it fine and that I don't have to worry about it.
My Mom actually said how nice it was to have us over for Thanksgiving, and that maybe we could come over more often since it went well with the "no weed" rule... So she actually noticed we hadn't been there in 4 months... I said "Yeah, you make sure everything is put away and everyone understands that we're comming over so NO weed. Then call me." I also told her "It really sucks we have to make an appointment to come over, but whatever..." She said "ok, sounds good." She doesn't get how ridiculous it all is. It makes me sick.... BUT no more of that. I'm in a good mood remember? :) It won't happen anyway. She will NOT make the effort, I already know that... In fact, she was just over at her cousins yesterday and didn't even stop here (she lives 2 minutes down the street) I only know she was there because my son saw them when he was walking home from school and figured they had been here... she pretends she can't come visit here because she can't visit ANYWHERE... but I know she goes over there all the time. WHY you ask? Well because her cousin will get her high for free of course! So OF COURSE she can go over there and visit! But not visit her grandson.... oops... I've got to stay in a good mood, so enough of that!
We'll just go on holidays. I'm fine with that. I pretty much have no family to go visit anymore... but whatever. I can't deal with the stress, it's just not worth it to me. (We'll go into how weird my Stepmom is acting, and how I don't feel welcome there now either- just not today) I don't care... I'm fine being a hermit lol... but I really worry about my son :(
Enough of that!

It will be a great Christmas. As long as I'm not thinking of all this, and just enjoying my family's company, all will be well :)

I will really try and post more often now. I miss posting everyday... having that routine!

I'll leave you with a picture of VanGogh, our youngest. (But not the smallest!)

He can't wait for Christmas either!!!!

Friday Weigh In

2010-12-17T20:22:00.001-05:00

Hello. First let me say a quick thank you to Pic Soso, thank you for joining us here at My Day!

Second, it's weigh in time. And the scale says...

284.8

That's a loss of 1.4 pounds this week,

Making my Total Lost: 35.2 pounds

I'm always glad to have a loss... but it just needs to be MORE. Especially with how sick I was earlier this week. I was down to 280, and I really thought it would be a bigger loss this week. BUT I'm feeling better now, and my appetite is back- with a vengeance!
So I have 6.8 pounds left to loose JUST to be in the green again. I WILL loose this by New Year. So that's 3.4 pounds to loose each of the 2 weeks that are left this year. That is a pretty big number for me to loose as you can see by the chart over to the right... but I REALLY want to end the year on a good note... a GREEN NOTE!!!! :)

I have been feeling better, now I just have a cold. I never thought I would be so happy to just have a cold lol... but man, it's SOOO much better than whatever I did have!

Here's what I ate today:

Coffee: 40

2 tsp coffeemate, 1 tsp sugar. Didn't finish the cup though

Lunch: 1030

1 chicken sandwich, medium? eggnog shake

Snack: 80

1 cup ff skim milk

Dinner: 490

3/4 cup taco soup with tortilla chips (about 15) and cheddar cheese. 1 cup ff skim milk

Snack: 240

3 candy cane (oreo type) cookies, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 160
Simply Cinnamon Corn Flakes with a bout 1/2 cup milk (cats got the rest)
Total Water: about 5 oz :( SO FAR
Total Calories: 2040
Holy Crap! Do you know how many calories are in a Burger King Original Chicken Sandwich? 630! I am blown away by that! I actually thought I did ok for lunch... even though it was buy one get one free, I only got one. Now I see that it wasn't that great... AND I asked for a small shake... I haven't had a shake (or anything) from there in a looong time, but this didn't look like a small. I think it was a medium. Of course I didn't have to drink it all... but I did... I joked with Ray and said I would be using the calories from a small because that's what I ordered!!!! But I didn't, I can not tell a lie lol. And this was no small.

Well, I'm going to have to do a lot better than that if I am going to loose 3.4 pounds each week for the next 2... If only I had NO appetite like those few days when I was sick, things would be so much easier! No matter :) I will just have to control myself! It seems like EVERY Friday after weigh in, whether I do good or bad, I end up eating a lot. So if this is my mess up day, it's not THAT bad. Now I just have to get my ass in gear and really work hard for the next 2 weeks! I'll just keep telling myself, "It's only 2 weeks." That's not entirely true, because this will continue forever... but just don't let my brain know that! lol :)

I MUST record what I eat everyday.
I also have to get back to drinking at least 40 oz of water every day. Today was the worst with water in a while. We finished up christmas shopping for the kid :) So we were gone a while, and my whole day was kind of thrown off... but I'll get a glass right now and try and get some in before bed.

I went to bed last night at 9:30, 9:30 people!!!!! I'm really trying to get to bed at a decent time every night. Since I was sick, I've been doing an ok job with that. It's hard on the weekends, but I'm really going to try and keep at it.

Ok, Gonna watch some tv, NOT eat, drink some water, and get to bed. I'll see you tomorrow, even it it's only to record my food! Recording my food everyday is mandatory!
Good night everyone! Sweet Dreams! :)

The Flu Sucks...

2010-12-14T23:10:00.001-05:00

It is good for weight loss though isn't it?
Well, I'm not even sure if it's the flu... Ray said it probably is because of how my whole body was aching and how bad I felt... but I have no idea. Flu, stomach virus, something that SUCKS.

Let's back up a little bit :)
Last time I was here, I had felt kind of sick a day before, but felt all better. I was drinking coffee like crazy and working my butt off cleaning the house. Even so, a day later I gained a pound for Friday's weigh in, so the scale said...

286.2

a 1 pound gain :(

NO treadmill, or Crunches
Total Loss: 33.8 pounds

We had pizza (2 pieces for me) Friday for lunch, and I had iced coffee all day.

I made Ray's favorite Cheezy Chicken for dinner for his Bday :) I only make it once a year for him lol. But I wasn't really hungry, and when I did eat it... I didn't really taste it, and ate pretty slow and not much. (any other year I would have had at least 2 giant helpings, this year one small) I was proud, and couldn't wait to write that here! I wasn't thinking about feeling sick or anything, I had been fine for 2 days.

Well, I had planned on drinking and everything Friday night... but I only got 1 shot. I started feeling really funny. Then around 10:30 I got those pains in my stomach... I got up to the bathroom... and began my night of vomiting. :(

I came back down, but I really felt like crap. I couldn't even wait for one of my brothers to come in from smoking, and one hadn't even gotten there yet. But I had to go to bed. I spent the rest of the night either dead asleep or puking my guts out... not just your average puke either, the kind where you BETTER be sitting on the toilet... yeah you know what I'm talking about lol. (It's funny now, but at the time not so much...) I lost count after 7 times, but I woke up for this spewing of bodily fluids a LOT. (I'm just so thankful it was in enough time to get to the bathroom every time!!!)

To show you just how much... That weight of 286.2 Friday morning? By Saturday morning it was 281. That's 5.2 pounds in one night, even though I ate cheezy chicken and pizza that day... so yeah. And Sunday morning, down another pound. So the Flu is good for weight loss I guess...

I am feeling better today. My stomach still feels kind of bad after I eat something, but I'm keeping it down. I'm back up to 282.5 which is still about 4 pounds down from Friday's weigh in.

Being sick sucks. I can't remember the last time I was that sick, and I hope I'm not again for a LONG time.

I'm still feeling really tired and weak, but SO much better. I've been sleeping a lot. If I didn't have to bring the boy to school, I'd probably never leave my bed...

Been going to bed at about 10, so that's good. Tonight it will be more like 11, but it's still better than it was! And I'm going to try and keep it that way.

No fast food, I don't even want it. I hope that feeling stays even after my stomach is back to normal!

Ray got it too :( Not as bad as mine, he only threw up once, but still. He had to call in Monday, and came home early this morning. He has to go in tonight, I hope he feels all better :( I feel really bad, nice birthday present huh???

OH, and now neither one of us can even stomach the THOUGHT of his favorite food, Cheezy Chicken! That is just crazy... but being so sick may have ruined it for me, forever!!!

I haven't been on the computer AT ALL, that's how bad I was feeling. I hope to get back to a more normal blogging schedule, but even before this I wasn't doing it everyday. So I won't promise EVERY day, but I'll really try and do more. I need to record what I eat, otherwise I'll probably go back to eating too much. And Nothing will keep me away from Friday weigh in (except the flu lol) :)

My eating has been ok, only because of being so sick. So I've been eating a lot less. But when I do eat, I can't say it's the best choices, I haven't had the energy to prepare me anything good... so it was what ever was quick and would stay down. (cereal, ice cream, freeze pops are some examples) Last night I did make some Orange chicken and broccoli. It was pretty good, and even though I didn't eat much, I still felt like I over ate. Tonight it was broccoli tuna helper. It was good, and I only ate about 3/4 cup. I'm going to be careful and only eat a little at a time. Even though being sick really sucks, I should take advantage of the weight loss and the stomach shrinkage right?

Definitely trying to be positive about it lol. Now I don't have as far to go to be back in the green :)

I hope everyone else has been doing a lot better than me!!!!!

I planned on reading and catching up, but now I feel sooo tired :(

I'm going to bed. But I'll be back tomorrow to at least read!!! Goodnight!

Must... Have... COFFEE!

2010-12-08T15:46:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody :)

Let's get the last few days out of the way shall we?
Since Friday, I have been getting little sleep. I have been snacking way to much. And have been feeling very guilty over spending money on fast food. I have been ok, just a little stressed, but not really depressed or anything. Just a lot of little things all together weighing down on me...
I did write down what I ate... but didn't record it here. Which was a HUGE mistake, and I already know better! The minute I decide I'm not writing it here, I start eating worse...
It didn't get to bad, no complete binging... but a lot of snacking, and giving in to things I just didn't need... things I didn't even really want! Like chips and cheese, a sandwich in the middle of the night... Other than that the food was pretty normal for me, no over eating really, just EXTRA snacking. Mostly to much snacking at night when I'm up till 4 in the morning. The low point? Ray and I actually got Taco Bell at 1:30am Sunday Morning (Sat. night). That is SO BAD, to actually leave the house to go get it too? An old habit I hoped to never see again!

BUT all that is over. Except the fast food problem... But that will be over soon I hope...
Back to normal, and back to recording it!

Yesterday was a busy day. I didn't eat much, but we did have pizza for dinner. We had a quick dinner, I had 2 peices and it was my lunch and dinner.

Then off to my son's first band concert!
I know it makes no sense, but doing anything like that really stresses me out. So that too was weighing on me all week... but once I was there of course I was fine.
I was a little annoyed when my son told me that they weren't going to be doing Christmas songs, even though the other grades were... why you ask? Well, because there are so many bad kids always disrupting the class so they didn't have time to learn everything they were supposed to. WTF? That's F'ing ridiculous if you ask me!!!! The teachers need to grow a pair and take care of these kids... kick them out of the class!!! When I was in school, Band was... well... full of band nerds. lol no offense to any band nerds out there! But they really pushed band last year, EVERY kid had a meeting with the band teachers to see what instrument they would be best for ect. I was putting him in band before they did all that... I guess that made other kids that normally wouldn't do it, go ahead and do it. Maybe thinking it would be an easy class??? I don't know, but this is the largest band class they have ever had- and I hope they don't wonder why! To me it doesn't matter, kick the little trouble makers out of band so the ones that WANT to be there can learn! Damnit!

Count to 10...

Ok :) I'm back.
Back to the concert. It ended up really nice :) I enjoyed myself, and I could tell my son did also. My Mom and Step Dad came too, so that was nice. Here is a little fun piece they did. It was cute lol.

He's in the middle, the kid that looks like he could be my son lol.

After we got home, I had a very little piece of this crazy "s'mores pizza." Not long after, I started getting pains in my stomach. They really hurt! I don't know if they were from that weird s'mores thing, or what. All I know is, I am soo glad that it waited until AFTER I got home. Without being too graphic, I spent a lot of time on the toilet...

This morning wasn't any better. By the time I went and picked up Ray, I felt a lot better though. He wanted a frappe from McDonald's, so we stopped on the way home... and I ended up with 2 egg McMuffins also... I know, great nourishment for sick people right? Bleh... it sure was good though! But that's the last time I will have fast food for a while. I just feel so guilty over spending the money! Ray is getting so many more hours since it's the holidays, so bigger checks, and it's hard for me to say no when he wants to spend it on... shit. He worked for it... but we have IMPORTANT stuff to spend it on... anyway, even if he does get fast food, that doesn't mean I have to. And I am not going to!!!

I forgot to weigh in this morning before I ate. So AFTER I had 2 egg McMuffins, some water and a whole LARGE Frappe, I weighed almost a pound less than yesterday. I wonder what I weighed before I ate! But I know that it's only because I was probably severely dehydrated from my stomach thing, and not drinking enough water lately! But mostly the sick stomach.

I'm getting in my water today though. It's not hard because I am actually thirsty today!

Ray's birthday is Tomorrow. The big 30 :) We're having family over Friday for dinner and cake and everything. Probably some drinking, we'll see. None for me if my stomach still feels like this.. and Ray is actually comming down with something different than mine. Him and the boy have soar throats and aren't feeling great :(

So anyway, I have to get this house cleaned. We got the tree up and decorated, but I have to get the rest of the Christmas stuff put out too. Even though I feel a little weak, I feel good other than that. AND I've rested up. I went to bed at 10 last night! So even though I wasn't feeling well, I got a lot of sleep, about 8 hours total. So I am awake, and now just have to pry myself away from the computer! And get at it!!! And keep drinking coffee!!!!

Because...

At least that's what my paper towel says!!! :)

And paper towel never lies!!!

It's Time for Weigh In Friday!

2010-12-03T15:04:00.003-05:00

And the scale says...

That is a loss of 3.4 pounds this week

Making my Total Lost: 34.8 Pounds

My Totals for the week:

Treadmill: 0 :(

Crunches: 100

The way I ate? And NO treadmill? I know, it's crazy. Even though it started off bad, I was feeling better and better, and like I was improving each day :)

3.4 pounds this week, that's one of my largest weekly losses... and of course I am VERY happy about it :) But I can't really celebrate until I get back in the 'green.' I'm still loosing JUST to get back to where I was. I think 42 pounds lost was my best number...

So while I'm always happy about a loss, I can not wait to actually be loosing NEW weight again... you know what I mean? I sure don't want to end the year saying "lost 42 pounds, but gained back 'this much'"

So I HAVE to get back in the green before new years. Only 7.2 pounds left, I can do that before new year!

What I ate Today-

Lunch: 376

Tuna on whole wheat with 1 tbs miracle whip, about 1/8 cup cheddar, jalapenos. 7 baby carrots with 1 tbs light ranch. Water

Iced Coffee: 105

Large glass with 3 tbs pumpkin spice creamer

Dinner: 1050 ?

2 slices of pepperoni, extra cheese pizza. 2 bread sticks with sauce. 6 oz sprite

Late snack 1am: 300 ?

1 slice pizza (smaller than the others)

Snack LATE: 23

Werther's

Snack 3am: 90

Mocha Bliss Special K bar

Total Water: 37 oz

Total Calories: 1944

WELL, I know it doesn't look great. I know I shouldn't have pizza, especially since I was so proud of resisting temptation last time! BUT, I had 2 slices for dinner. NOT 5, and not my new normal, 3. But 2. I am very proud of that. It was hard for me, I really wanted another piece... but I didn't have it.

EATING PIZZA

I actually ate my pizza with a fork!!! WITH A FORK! It took a lot longer and did help me control myself... I think helped me feel full by the time I was done also.

When I eat pizza, especially good messy pizza, I eat it pretty fast. You know, once you get a good hold on it, you don't want to put it down to mess that up right? And you take big bites, as not to slop on yourself lol... now HOW am I supposed to take my time, and limit myself, eating like THAT. It's not possible. So I grabbed a fork :) and I am going to do that from now on! When I was to the end, I picked it up but sat it down after EVERY BITE. All of this was very deliberate, but after a while it will just become habit and I won't even have to think about it right? We'll see :)

I am ok with my calories today, but staying up late is really hurting me. I wouldn't have had that other slice if I was in bed!!! I have ALWAYS been one to stay up really late, but when I was doing my best loosing weight... that was also when I was finally on a good schedule. I was going to bed at 9:30 or 10 at one point! I know I can't do that right now, but I need to slowly work to it. I HAVE to get on schedule.

Have a great day everybody!

"Will you pee for me?"

2010-12-02T23:00:00.000-05:00

That's the question my Aunt asked me one day.
I was 10 or 11 years old. She had called my Mom, who then sent me over to her house. I walked over, and went in. We visited for only a few minutes and she asked "Will you pee for me?" I laughed. And said "yeah." This is something my Grandma would always say too, when she had to use the bathroom but didn't want to get up.
But my Aunt said "No really, I need you to pee in this cup for me."
And that's all I remember. I knew it was because she needed clean pee for a job, but did she tell me that??? I don't remember. I knew it was because she smoked weed... but I doubt she told me that... Maybe I just assumed that was it, since I knew my Mom did??? I remember thinking how dark my pee looked, and wondering if that was normal! Since I had never seen it out of the toilet before (remember, I was a kid) but that's all I remember...

Over the years, I have heard that question quite a bit since that day. From family, mostly my mom. Mostly for jobs, but once for my cousin who had to pee for child protective services... (I now have a lot of guilt over that one, but that's a story for another time...) That's just what happens when everyone you know is on drugs except you. I didn't mind at the time, I kind of thought it was funny.
Of course NOW, I have conflicting emotions about it. First I wonder- how did they all know I wasn't on drugs anyway? What if I was on crack, or even just smoked some weed, and didn't want to tell??? And just peed for them anyway? You know how stupid kids can be... that is definitely something that could have happened!!! But most of all- Being a parent now, I just can NOT picture asking my son to do that for me. OR letting my brothers ask him. And have to explain why? Umm... No.
But I grew up a lot different then he is... Which is good :)

Why this little trip down memory lane you ask?

WELL, today reminded me of that first day that I was deemed the designated family clean pee-er.
Ray's brother called today, and asked him to pee for him! Unlike me, Ray had NEVER in his life been asked this favor. On one hand, I could think of it as depressing... that after all these years, no one in either of our families can pee for themselves...
BUT I am looking at it in a positive way. When he got off the phone and told me what his brother wanted, we both smiled like 'wow can you believe it!?!?!'

So today he peed for his brother for the first time... and since his brothers can't stay off drugs, and can't keep the same job for long, I'm sure it won't be the last!
As for Ray? He was never addicted to hard drugs or anything, hasn't touched ANYTHING like that since he's lived with me. But he's been a pot head since he was about 14. He smoked it DAILY for at least the last 10 years.

But today marks his 114th day- weed free.
His brothers test came back, and he is officially, CLEAN :)
I am so proud of him :)

Now to get our food addictions under control...

What I ate Today:
Lunch: 348
Tuna Sandwich on whole wheat with 1 tbs miracle whip, pepper jack cheese, jalapenos. 6 baby carrots with 1 tbs light ranch. water
Iced Coffee: 105
large glass with 3 tbs hazelnut liquid creamer
Snack: 165
2 pieces (1/2) WFC Almond Chocolate bar
Dinner: 675?
2 cups macaroni&cheese + hot dogs, 1/2 cup leftover green bean/corn mixture, water
Snack: 165
2 pieces (1/2) WFC Almond Chocolate bar
Snack: 140
1/2 cup cottage cheese and 1/4 cup fruit cocktail. Water
Total Water: 30 oz
Total Calories: 1598
Macaroni and hot dogs is my son's favorite meal, but I hardly EVER make it for him anymore. I'm going to guess 3 times since February? I don't like hot dogs like I used to, but I do like these Hebrew National all beef, all natural ones ok. 150 calories each.
Those dang candy bars! Ray called his nephew over and bought more of them! I told myself only 2 pieces a day won't hurt, but I already messed that up. But tomorrow I'll have my last 2 pieces.
It's not great, but I think I'm doing a little better everyday...

Last night pizza was avoided. Ray said he was ordering some after our son was in bed, after we had already eaten dinner! I told him "go ahead, but I'm not having any!" and I wouldn't have either. I was determined not to. He must have known it, because he didn't get any.
Today we took a nap, and he wanted up at 11am. Because he wanted to go eat at Florentine's... I told him I didn't want to, I have to weigh in tomorrow. But it sounded like he really was planning on it... when the alarm went off, and he didn't hear it... I didn't wake him up! lol, it felt very sneaky, but I REALLY didn't want to go. I know I would do BAD if I went to a buffet today.
So when he did get up, he was going to order pizza! He asked what bills where due before he gets paid again, I told him. And that we really can't afford to be spending money on fast food... So he actually got a little pissy about it! I acted like I didn't know, and asked him what was wrong after a while... he let it go and all was well... but that shows me that he is just as addicted to fast food as I am... I think even more... I just always go along with it (eagerly), until now.
I'm sure I'll be faced with it again soon, and I can't say how I'll handle it... but I feel good about how I did today and last night. One day at a time...

BUT If he can kick his other habit, I know we can get through our food addiction. :)

I am still feeling pretty good... even the weekend task of putting up Christmas crap isn't overwhelming me... so that's a good sign.
I will see you tomorrow for my weekly weigh in, I hope it's good! I'm still weighing in daily at my Weight Loss Tracker, so I feel good about it :)

Well, I hope you enjoyed today's post and my little trip down Dysfunctional Family Avenue lol. I hope someone tells me they are also a designated pee-er so I don't feel so alone!!!! Ha! A girl can hope can't she? Don't worry, I know this shit isn't normal... but what can I do but laugh? It's better to laugh than cry right? :)

Have a great night everyone :) See you tomorrow!

What I AM Ready For...

2010-12-01T11:25:00.000-05:00

Is to get back on track!

I don't know what it is, but I feel great today!
Honestly, don't ask me why... nothing has changed. Oh, except waking up to snow and freezing- but that did NOT put me in a good mood anyway!
In fact, I should feel worse...
I was having some second thoughts this morning. Wishing I would have used the money to see about getting the dryer fixed, instead of getting my camera and the hard drive... Especially since I was dreading going to the laundromat in the snow!!! I had even decided I was just going to go back to bed after dropping the kid at school, like I have been doing... I felt like crap this morning, like usual. Was thinking about the bills, and about every other depressing thing that has me down...
But... now I feel better.
SO much better.

Maybe being able to take those pictures

of the snow when I felt like it, helped?

Here's another one lol:

(My hair is just up,

I didn't cut it... yet!)

Maybe staying up, and not going back to bed? Maybe having my coffee and reading blogs/ playing on facebook? Maybe because I caught up on sleep the last couple days? (I was in bed at 10 last night!!!)
I don't know. But I feel Great!
I am washing my laundry now, and I don't feel overwhelmed by going to the laundromat, it's just something I have to do, and might as well get it over with! WHY can't I think like that all the time??? I do most of the time, but not these past weeks... Everything has just seemed SO OVERWHELMING...
But not now.
I feel like I can get back on track, and get back to LOSING, and say goodbye to gaining! I feel like I can get back on some kind of schedule, which I know is very important to my weight loss.
Ray has tonight off, that means I can actually get a good chunk of uninterrupted sleep! Woo Hoo! :)
Like I said, I don't know why I feel so much better.. I just hope it lasts!!!!
Have a Great Day everyone!

But I'm not Ready!

2010-12-01T10:51:00.001-05:00

This is what I woke up to today:

I know... this being Michigan,

I should just be glad it waited SO long!!!

But... I'm just not ready for snow...

I actually love snow,

just not on the roads or sidewalks!

Miya looking at the white stuff

As I took this picture

2 Canadian Geese flew by, honking like crazy...

They're not ready either!

Are you ready?

(Some of already have had it for sometime!)

I do really like having a camera

that works!!!

What do YOU think about the New WW?

2010-11-29T22:52:00.000-05:00

Have you seen this? Weight Watcher's is getting a point system overhaul, the biggest change in 13 years:
http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=news/health&id=7814937

I have never used Weight Watcher's before, but I know a lot of you have, or still do. Dear Margie was a lifetime member... It really seems to work for a lot of people... So when I saw this, I was just wondering what you thought about it.

It seems that fruit will now be 0 points... how many points were they before? Is this a big change?
I hate to admit it, but I think I'm afraid of change. So I thought of all the people that are on this plan, and wondered how it's going over...
Will it make people OVER eat fruit? Oh, I'm sure overeating fruit is a much better alternative than over eating other things (like my pizza!) but is it a possibility? Or is the change ALL GOOD?

I HOPE it's all good, for all of you on the plan. It sounds good, all the newest research and taking into consideration other things besides just calories... Hopefully whatever changes they are making will be for the better! :)
Just curious what my WW buddies out there thought of the whole thing :)

Out with The Old...

2010-11-29T09:35:00.001-05:00

Well, now that a couple days have passed... I am a little disappointed in my new camera :(

But it's better than the one I was using! You had to have it pitch black to take a 'good' picture, why? I have no idea. It's hard to get it pitch black, but all of these pictures where taken after I made it as dark as possible in the room. The darker the better they came out, less yellow/lines.

So here's a few I emptied off the old one, the ones that you can actually make out anyway!

Enjoy :)

See, they love each other! (sometimes...)

And they love me, all the time...

Except on flea medicine day!

This is AFTER I cleaned it up

Don't let her fool you... she is the one who mauled me ;)

This years jack-o-lantern... Or Cat-o-lantern?

I tried to copy one I saw on Anne H's blog :)

That one was much better though!

And I worked so hard

on the little hairs on it's back! lol :)

My Birthday present :)

Lucky Bamboo from Ray and the boy :)

(who is holding it, but I'm not allowed to show- he said so! lol)

Have a great day!

Just This Weeks Food and Exercise

2010-11-28T11:00:00.044-05:00

OOPS. THIS IS THE SAME ONE I POSTED THE OTHER DAY. WHILE I WAS ADDING TO IT, I SOMEHOW SAVED IT AS A DRAFT INSTEAD OF POSTING... SORRY!

Even if I have nothing to say, or depressed and don't want to write... I think it is very important that I keep track of what I'm eating. So I'm going to keep track of it on this post. I figure that way only when I do a new(real) post, it will show up on the blog rolls... and I'll just update this everyday to show my food and exercise (or lack of). I figure this will get me back on track, without doing a separate post JUST to show what I've eaten every time.
Not that I'm depressed right now! I'm ok :)
We'll see how it works out, I might just do this every week after weigh in.
Since I already had Friday's on that last post of what I was eating, we'll start with yesterday...

Saturday-
Breakfast: 1280
McDonald's- 2 egg McMuffins, 1 large mocha frappe
Snack: 90
Mocha Bliss Special K bar
Dinner: 1375 (estimated)
Salad with ham, light ranch, croutons, mozz cheese. Ordered Florentines- 3 slices pepperoni pizza (one with jalapenos), 2 bread sticks with sauce, 4 oz coke
Total Water: 22 oz
Total Calories: 2635
Fast food... not good. 3 slices? Unacceptable. I would have been ok with 2. I would feel awesome if it was ONE. Didn't eat the crust on 2 1/2 of those slices. The nutrition info is not online, so I used a similar place. Ate salad first so I would eat less, didn't work as you can see! My fault, gotta get back some self control! Not enough water. Got to get back to at least 40 oz per day.
Now with my new plan, and recording what I eat no matter what- I'm sure I'll have less days like this one!!!

Sunday-
Coffee: 70
with 2 tbs pumpkin spice liquid creamer
Lunch: about 460
2 waffles, 1/4 cup syrup and 2 fried eggs, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 80
String cheese stick (mozz)
Snack: 165
1/2 'World's Finest Chocolate' bar
Dinner: about 545
Stuffed Squash (1/2 acorn squash filled with stuffing) with about 1/2 tbs Country Crock, 1 slice whole wheat bread with CC, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 82
1/4 Chocolate bar
Snack: 240
Cereal- 1 cup Special K Vanilla Almond, 1/2 cup rice squares, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 82
1/4 chocolate bar (the last of it)
Snack 1am: 300
1 cup special k with ff skim milk, 1 slice cinnamon raisin bread
Total Water: 42 oz
Total Calories: 2024
The 'about's are because I don't have the box for the waffles, but I estimated them to be 100 each. Also, step Dad made the stuffed squash, but I looked up the squash, stuffing and sausage and hopefully that is close to the right amount. The candy bar I bought when Ray's nephew came to the door selling them for school... I know, I could have just got Ray the kid one, but I got me one too. It was for a good cause! lol :) I know... that's no excuse! Anyway, mine is gone now.
Crunches: 100 (5 sets of 20)

Monday-
Breakfast: 250
Coffee with 2 tbs pumpkin spice creamer, 1 1/2 slices of cinnamon raisin toast with CC
Lunch: 460
Tuna Sandwich on whole wheat with 1 tbs (store brand) miracle whip, cheddar/pepper jack cheese, jalapenos. 5 baby carrots, 1/2 tbs light ranch. 1 pickle spear (1/4 pickle?) water
Snack: 300
Cereal- 2 cups Special K Vanilla Almond with ff skim milk
Dinner: 1090Romain salad with jalapenos, croutons, cheddar, 1 1/2 tbs light ranch. Pizza Hut- 2 slices medium (14") pepperoni, 1 slice medium pepperoni jalapeno, 1 1/2 bread stick with sauce. Water
Snack 2am: 250
piece of cold pizza
Total Water: 36 oz
Total Calories: 2350
I JUST got done writing that I could go one week without fast food... I told Ray this morning that I had made that commitment. Then I fell asleep around 4, woke up at 7 and still had to make dinner... Ray asked what I wanted from Pizza Hut and I told him "I don't care." Instead of saying "NOTHING!!!" But no excuses, no blame. It was my fault and honestly, just laziness! Even after it got here I kept telling myself, JUST ONE... but no self control... UGH. Now I have let myself down AGAIN, and all of you :(
I WISH I had the motivation or the excitement I did in the beginning... I don't. But I am sick of letting myself down, and feeling like crap. I will try and do better tomorrow... I WILL do better tomorrow.

Tuesday-
Snack: 90
Mocha Bliss Special K bar
Lunch: 500
2 slices left over pizza
Snack: 200
Cereal- 1 cup Special K Vanilla Almond w ff skim milk
Dinner: 535
About 4 oz BBQ chicken, 3/4 cup green beans + corn (with salt, pepper and a little bit of ranch seasoning), 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 350
Cereal- 1 1/2 cups Crunchy Granola Raisin Bran with ff skim milk
Total Water: 27 oz
Total Calories: 1675
Better calorie wise... but still not the best choices. As I ate that raisin bran, I thought 'Wow, this is GOOD. Must be a lot of calories.' Then when I looked, I was still surprised! 190 per cup, maybe I'll just let the kid have the rest of that...

Wednesday-
Coffee: 140
A little extra coffee, with 4 tbs pumpkin creamer
Breakfast: 140
1 slice whole wheat toast with honey peanut butter
Snack: 80
1/2 cup cottage cheese with a little pepper, water
Lunch: 1150
Arby's $2 toasted subs- Classic Italian and Turkey Club, water
Iced Coffee: 105
Coffee, ice, 3 tbs hazelnut liquid creamer
Dinner: 280
2 cups of Sweet and Sour Chicken (Green Giant frozen meal bag. Frozen veggies, pineapple, sweet&sour sauce. Add my own chicken) 1 cup, then 1 hour later another cup. Water
Snack: 165
2 pieces (1/2) World's Finest Chocolate Almond bar
Total Water: 36 oz
Total Calories: 2060
I really shouldn't have had Arby's at all. But having 2 instead of 1 :( It's because you have to get 2 for $4... but that is NO excuse. Next time Ray is just going to have to eat 1.. or 3! His choice! (I don't plan on there being a next time soon... but you know how that goes with me) I know it was a bad choice. I know I have to do better. I am going to try to do well for the rest of the day and keep those calories under 2000.
I went over by 60 calories, not bad... but if I would have only had ONE sub, that would have saved over 500! Grrr... I know it was stupid. SO stupid. I don't know what gets into me! And you want to know what else??? Ray wants to order pizza! We ALREADY ATE DINNER! I'm trying to talk him out of it, but if he really does... I'm not having any. I promise myself that, and you. It will be SO HARD, and the FIRST TIME EVER I am going to refuse pizza... but I will. Because I am dedicated to getting back on track. I need to get back to losing. I already messed up once today, I'm not going to do it again. I'm fine with 2060 calories, especially with all the exercise I got doing laundry. (Wet laundry is heavy! Had to wash it all, then bring 4 loads to the laundromat)
NO PIZZA TONIGHT, NO MATTER WHAT.
And tomorrow will be better :)

Weigh Day? Not Good. Mood? Better.

2010-11-27T01:41:00.002-05:00

First let me say hello to Mercy. Thank you for joining me in my day! It hasn't been my normal day for a while now... but hopefully it will be again soon! :)

Now to the weigh in.
Of course it's not good. I didn't get on the treadmill once this week, I ate pretty much whatever I wanted...
So the scale says:

288.6

That is a gain of 3.2 pounds

Making my total loss 31.4 pounds

I think my chart shows I had lost 32 pounds or so back in April. APRIL! That is 7 months ago! And I have lost all the work I have done since then. Ugh, that just sucks so bad...

I know what I need to do, and what I should be doing... Why can't I find the motivation?

As you know, I have been stressed out. But that can NOT be an excuse. I need to get on that treadmill no matter what mood I am in. And logic tells me that just the act of walking will make me feel better! It's just so hard to do when I don't want too... But I NEED to.

Now that Thanksgiving is over, I am feeling better. I guess the stress of that, and not even knowing if we were going to spend it with the family- was really weighing on me. Once I finally asked my brother the big question, I felt a huge relief. He didn't come over one night he said he was going to, so I did it the easy way. A text :) I wrote something like "I wanted to talk to you about smoking weed while ****(my son) is there. I was hoping you all could wait till we leave, or if you can't wait, go outside? Is that coo?" and he texted back "Yep, that's fine yo." lol, So it worked out for the best, I didn't make a big deal out of it and he didn't either. Oh, but it could have went SO DIFFERENTLY, and I'm just thankful it didn't.

We had a great Thanksgiving. I hope you all did too! I'm behind in my reading, so I have to play catch up!

I was in charge of making pickle wraps, onion wraps, the night before. Me and my son also decided to decorate cookies :) We had fun. I also made the goop (Green Bean Casserole, except DELICIOUS), and macaroni. All the food was so good. (I have everything I've been eating on the last post.) I had a lot, but honestly I am proud of myself. I really thought about what I wanted, and the 2 plates where 1/2 the size 2 plates would have been last year! And for dessert I had one piece of pie, and one bite of another. Every other year I would have had a piece of each of the 3 kinds! AND THE BIGGEST CHANGE: I didn't bring home any dinner leftovers. Not even of what I made! We do have stuff here to make more pickle wraps, but the 1 cookie for each of us I brought home are gone, and I have not been pigging out on thanksgiving dinner all day! Woo Hoo! Step Dad sent home 1/2 a stuffed squash that I will probably have for lunch tomorrow, but that would have usually been eaten yesterday at Thanksgiving along with the 2 huge plates. I did pretty good for me. Especially since I've been doing SO bad...

This morning I got some exercise, I shopped my FIRST Black Friday. I don't do crowds, but I had to drop Ray at work this year anyway, so I figured I might as well stop at 2 places while I'm out. I got in line at Target, and I swear I was almost at the back of the store. The line went across the whole front, then around to the back. I'm sure it went around again because there where a lot of people that got there after me! I almost went back home. I just knew the camera I wanted would be gone. But after waiting 15 minutes, I got in there and got my camera! AND an external hard drive we have needed for a long time, $60 off! I was so happy! Then I went to Meijer and got everything I needed from there too!!! Some nice pairs of jeans for Ray and the kid 1/2 off. 2 lego starwars sets for the kid for Christmas Buy one Get one 1/2 off, a new cordless phone 14.99 (ours got fried about a month ago), and a big coffee mug for Ray's Birthday. (He will be the big 30, and the mug says so lol) I was home by 5:45am, and it all went so much smoother than I expected! I just really lucked out I think :) I am so relieved! Do you go shopping on Black Friday? How was it for you!?!?! I can't say that I'll make it a habit, but it really did work out very well :) The managers at Meijer were even handing out bottles water to all of us hard shoppers lol :) So nice of them.

This morning after I went to bed and woke back up later, it was like Christmas! lol. Opening up my camera, phone, ray hooking up the hard drive... I haven't had so many presents since I was a kid haha :)

On top of the $150 gift card I got from Happy Fun Pant's Review Blog, I also got a $50 gift card from my best friend (who hasn't even sent me a card since she moved 6 years ago! Such a great surprise!) and then at Thanksgiving my middle brother gave me a card and $50! I've never had Birthday money like this before. And any money I ever do get I have ALWAYS spent on Christmas presents, or bills. But I REALLY needed a camera. I swear not having one that works has added to my depression. I LOVE taking pictures, I think it is great therapy, and now I have a camera that works! Its a tiny little thing. Metallic Red, Nikon Coolpix. $79. I really like it :) So anyway, I got stuff we really needed, at great prices and I am happy :)

Of course some of that money was already spent on food for thanksgiving and other things we needed. Like getting drunk last Saturday night. That was actually in the instructions from my best Friend! lol. Ray and I had some drinks and had a good night. Played Guitar Hero, and kicked ass :) lol, at least I think I was doing pretty good! It's funny, I only have the urge to play that game when I'm drunk... and now I won't play it for another 6 months I'm sure, and I'll be awesome at it then too! haha. (or will think so anyway)

So yes, my mood has been ALL OVER the place. I had a great birthday this year, even though it was in the middle of all this stress and gaining all this weight back. Halloween and Thanksgiving proved to be more than I could handle as far as my eating. But now I really do feel better. Not GREAT, but so much better.

I am determined to get on the treadmill and do my 5 miles this week. I didn't do it today, but I have 6 days left. I did start off the new week on a better note though :)

Crunches: 100 (5 sets of 20)

As far as blogging, I would really like to record my previous days food every morning when I update my weight loss tracker. And keep up to date on everyone else's blogs. So that's my goal. I still feel a little overwhelmed with all that... I really have to shorten my blog role :(

Oh, speaking of goals! As you may know, I had set the goal of loosing 50 lbs in 2010. It was SO achievable when I set it... but now since I keep gaining, I'm not going to be able to do it. So I'm not going to concentrate on that, But am going to do my best to loose as much as I can by the new year!

I'll at least be here to update my eating and weight loss tracker daily, and for sure do a real post for Friday weigh ins! I really want to be able to read everyone's blogs daily too. SO That's the plan... but lately my plan changes with my mood, like 5 times per day ;)

But this should work :)

What I really need to do is get back on a schedule! Ever since I got the car back (which I am SO VERY grateful for) I have been bringing Ray to work and my sleep is all off. I think I really started getting depressed after I got the car back... that HAS to be why! I was on a good schedule, was used to getting a nice chunk of sleep... and now it's back to these weird hours, and I am not getting used to it! I HAVE to get on a schedule. I think I will feel so much better, and be able to cope with things so much better...

Alright, I'm done rambling now :) I'll see you later! Hugs and Take Care!

Still Going to Take a Little Break, BUT... Here's What I'm Eating!

2010-11-24T00:06:00.003-05:00

I don't want to gain back more weight than I already have!

Miss Verity Vaudeville left a comment yesterday, asking if it was wise to distance myself... and she is right! The 2 weeks I was away I fell completely off track and am having so much trouble getting back on! I have gained about 10 pounds since before that 2 weeks... I don't want to gain another 10! If I stay completely away, I might just do that!

I need a little break, a break from writing all the depressing things that are my life right now. A break from thinking about it any more than I have to! BUT I don't want this to be a break that lets me eat everything in sight. And I'm afraid if I don't feel accountable to anyone, I will!

Thank you all for your support, and understanding my need for a little break... and I'm going to be taking that break, while not completely forgetting about my weight loss journey.

So I've made a decision.
I'm going to still report what I eat everyday, and any exercise I may do. I'm going to just do it on this post, in case anyone is interested, but mostly just so I know I have to... then I will be more mindful of what I'm eating and hopefully it will help me not go completely off track again! Today I know I ate more than I would have if I was thinking that I have to come share it!!! If I had thought about how I have to come share all of it, I probably would have eaten less! So I won't be making a separate post for everyday, just adding it all here until I get back to a more normal blogging schedule.

I think this will help me. I am just feeling so overwhelmed lately, and sadly the blog is adding to that... but at the same time I know how important it is and how much it's helped me. This way I can catch up with everyone else's, and still hold myself accountable without feeling the urge to write a 10 page post about all my complaining and yucky feelings :) Even though I know I would get nothing but support from you all :) I just really don't want to dwell on any of it anymore than I have to I guess...
I hope this makes sense!

So I will be here in the mornings when I'm updating my Weight Loss Tracker, with what I ate the day before.
And also any treadmill I get in.
Thanks again everyone. I know this will pass, and I will feel better and be back to myself. I'll see you then!

So Here's What I'm Eating:

Tuesday-
Breakfast: 105
1/4 cup iced coffee, 1 mocha bliss Special K bar
Lunch: 1576 holy crap
Arby's- Italian, and Turkey bacon club $2 subs, 4 mozzarella sticks, water
Snack: 133
6 Hershey kisses
Iced Coffee: 105
Coffee with 3 tbs pumpkin spice creamer, ice
Snack: 43
1 Hershey mint miniature
Dinner: about 670
1 piece of lasagna, 1 piece garlic bread, water
Snack: about 250
1/2 piece of lasagna, water
Total Water: 52 oz
Total Calories: about 2882 (2132+ 1 1/2 pieces of lasagna)
No need to comment lol... I know it's horrible. See? This is what happens when I don't plan on reporting it to anyone! Bleh :(

Wednesday-
Lunch: 1000
2 Pieces of leftover lasagna
Snack: 22
1 Hershey Kiss
Coffee: 70
with 2 tbs pumpkin spice liquid creamer
Iced Coffee: 105
with 3 tbs ps creamer
Snack: 248
4 pickle wraps (while making them)
Snack: 340
4 sugar cookies (while baking them)
Snack: 150
1 decorated/frosted sugar cookie
Total Water: ? not enough, maybe 8 oz
Total Calories: 1935

Thursday: Thanksgiving
Breakfast: 220
Coffee with 2 tbs pumpkin spice creamer and 1 decorated sugar cookie
Snacking throughout the day at Mom's: ?
4 pickle wraps
1 frosted sugar cookie
2 tiny squares of fudge
6 oz whole milk
Thanksgiving Dinner:
Plate 1- 1/2 cup potatoes, 1/4 cup corn, 1/4 cup gravy. About 3 oz turkey, 1/4 cup stuffing, 1/2 cup goop, 1/2 cup macaroni, 6 oz whole milk, water. Plate 2- about 3 oz ham, 1/4 cup stuffing, 1/2 cup macaroni, 1/4 cup goop.
Snack: 1 piece of apple pie with 1/3 cup ice cream, 1 bite of cherry pie
Late night snack: 2 cookies, 1 cup ff skim milk
LATE night snack: chips and cheese (about 12 tortilla chips, shredded mozz, salsa)

Black Friday-
Breakfast: 1 piece leftover lasagna
Snack: 8 oz hot cocoa
Coffee: McDonald's Medium Frappe (declined any food, not hungry)
Dinner: Hot Turkey/pepperoni/pepper jack cheese/jalapeno sandwich. 1/2 cup low fat cottage cheese, 5 baby carrots (no ranch!) water
Snack: 8 tortilla chips with 2 tbs salsa con queso, water
Late Snack: 2 1/2 pickle wraps, water
LATE snack: Cereal- 1 1/2 cup frosted puffed wheat w ff skim milk
LATE/ 3am snack: 1 mini bagel with cream cheese
Total Water: 24 oz
Total Calories: ?

Not Doing So Well... Going to Take a Blog Break

2010-11-23T02:12:00.000-05:00

I haven't been on the treadmill once.
I get up every morning with the best intentions, and then loose all motivation.

Yes I'm stressed out. Maybe a little more than usual, but I can't keep letting that throw me off track!

One of the new things piled up on top of everything else, my sons report card. He has always been an A student. Some Bs sometimes... but it's because I stayed right on top of him and reminded him about his homework every day ect. Now that he's in middle school I don't know EVERY thing that is going on. I was so worried that when he started middle school he would have trouble. That it would all overwhelm him...

My son is very smart. Since he was a baby, just SO smart. But he also has a hard time paying attention, and gets side tracked very easily. He forgets what he is/was doing a lot, not just in school work. My Mom said I should check out ADD drugs when he was around 3. I'm like "no mom, he's just being a kid!" Then when he was in 2nd grade his teacher actually told me I might want to think about getting him on some medication... I just couldn't see doing that. He was so young, and doing excellent in school... He is more on the shy side, never caused any trouble... so why would I drug him?

Anyway, a few weeks back I went online for the first time to check his grades. He had As, Bs and a C+. Now a C+ is fine, IF that's the best he could do. But I know he can do better. I made sure he knew that if he didn't bring that grade up before report card time he would be grounded from video games until his NEXT report card, 9 weeks away. He said he could bring it up, and I ask him ALL the time if he has homework and he never does... Now he brings home His report card. Instead of all As and maybe a B or 2, These are his grades: A, A-, B+, B, B-, C+, C-, E.
WTF?
I was SO PISSED. And Yelled at him more than I probably have in his whole life. He DOES have homework, he KNOWS he has to do it, but just didn't. I asked him what he thought was going to happen when he didn't do his homework? He knew I was going to see it, what did he think I would say? "I don't know." Is pretty much all he says. I can't explain how upset I am about this.
And the online "up to date" progress reports I can access daily? What a crock of shit. I thought he would be bringing home 1 C+ because of that. Now that it finally updated, nothing has been added since the 11th. So NOTHING from the new marking period, it still says the grades from his report card... So I can now see all the assignments he missed from LAST marking period. So how am I supposed to stay on top of all his grades/ assignments if they don't update it? I even signed up to receive weekly emails from all his classes, the last 2 weeks were exactly the same! What is the fucking point of getting a weekly email if they don't ever change?!?!?!

So I'm not sure what to do. He is grounded from all video games until his next report card, in 9 weeks. Maybe he does have something like ADD... but more than that, I think he is addicted to video games. Which is of course our fault as parents. Ray's addicted to them, and so is he. I think that more than any kind of ADD, he just would rather play video games or watch netflix. I think that that was more important that doing homework. He has NO problem remembering things he has to get done in his games, or the new achievements he can get on what day... so now I'm hoping he can be just as dedicated to his school work without so many other distractions. I always just kind of let that go, because he really is such a good kid. And always got good grades... but obviously something has to be done.

And I am on his ass. Every day, I'm looking at his planner, and asking what every single thing is, if he got it done. I'll be checking that online thing often, hoping that it will update soon so I can see how he is really doing. I don't really know what else to do. If he still gets bad grades, what then? I guess ask the doctor what they think. (I hate his doctors office, since age 8 we don't go unless absolutely necessary) I really do think No video games will help a lot. He's not even upset as I thought he would be... but really what can he say? I warned him... and he still didn't care enough to do what needed to be done.
Missing a few assignments? Fine. But he didn't bring home ANY homework all marking period, and he had a LOT he was supposed to do. The only thing he brought home everyday was 20 minutes of band practice. Little did I know that she also hands out homework to bring home on TOP of that. (That's the class he got an E in. The class he works the hardest for. He practices that thing everyday, I never dreamed she handed out extra homework on top of that.) It doesn't matter though, he KNEW he was supposed to be doing this other work. And he just chose not to! I just can't fricken believe that! What was he thinking?!?!
So I want him to do well in school, it is the most important thing on my mind right now. The perfect time for him to get sick right? Yeah. He had to stay home from school today....
I have been sick to my stomach or had a horrible head ache every morning for a while now. Today is the first day I didn't, but now he is sick :(

Anyway, as you can see all this has me very upset. I guess I'm so upset because of the bigger picture. I just want the best for him. I want more for him than I have. Isn't that what every parent wants? And he has always done so well in school, and I just knew that was the ONE thing I didn't have to worry about- his education. But now this changes all that. If I let him he would just play Xbox all day and not care if he failed every class. And straight up lie to me when I ask him about homework... That is hard for me to except.
I just want him to do well in school, go to college, have a job he doesn't hate, live in a nice safe place... I want him to have everything I didn't. And don't.

UGH.

Speaking of wanting what's best for him...
Thanksgiving is only 3 days away. I still haven't talked to my brother. We haven't been over there in 4 months because them all getting high all the time finally just got to be to much for me. They no longer care if my son is there, and don't try to make sure the smoke is kept far away from him anymore. Sure they don't do it in the same room, but it's a tiny ass trailer. Where they used to go in the back, or outside- now it's in the next room or like the last time, the enclosed porch where 5 people open the door to get inside right where my son is and bring all the smoke with them... They just don't care. And I'm fucking sick of it.
Why don't they want whats best for him? Why does his own Grandmother think this is all just fine? Me and her fought about it afterwards. Her saying things like "It's not my house. I only took one hit. I didn't know you cared, you stopped complaining about it." Complete bull shit. While we are not fighting at the moment, just thinking of it makes me so full of rage all over again.
So besides me and her fighting, no one else has said anything. She told me she's not telling my brother (Bear, who's trailer it is, who wasn't even there when I had finally had enough) so he knows nothing about it. But he HAS to have noticed we don't come over anymore right? He is stoned everyday, all day... so maybe not. Anyway, I have to confront him and make sure NO ONE will be getting high while we are there. If they absolutely have to, I need to know they will go outside away from my 12 year old. (Their only nephew, and only grandson that they should be caring about without me forcing them!) So how do I do this without causing a fight? Or getting dis invited from Thanksgiving? Or disowned? Haha. Who knows. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
I figure if I don't make a big deal about it, he won't either? I'm just going to say: "He is not exposed to weed anymore. I just want to make sure that won't be a problem. That you can all wait till we leave to get high, or at least go outside if you CAN'T wait." We'll see what happens. If he does throw a fit? Well, then fuck him. They are pretty much the only family we have left, but at the moment, I don't really care.

So yeah, I guess I am stressed. Once Thanksgiving is over I think I will feel SO much better.

I have bad news about Ray's Mom. She had to call into work last week because her vision was so bad. She went to the doctor and they said she needs surgery, but they can't operate because her sugar is way to high. She has also been having trouble with her feet because of the diabetes, which I just found out about. Ray is in complete denial about how bad it's getting. He just says "Oh it's just her cataracts. She's fine now." I don't argue... but I think it's worse than she is telling us...

Oh, another fun thing...
The townhouse I grew up in, started on fire Saturday. It's in this complex, if I walk 5 steps from my porch I can see it, another 200 and I'm there...
The outside is fine, the inside and everything in it is a loss. The basement is ok I guess.
It was weird to see it, everything black, the blinds melted off the windows, all the firemen... but that's all. Just weird. It's where I grew up, where I brought my son home to when he was born. But I don't have any emotional attachment to it. The whole time I was there I couldn't wait to get out of it.

It just so happens Ray's brothers girlfriend (one of many) lives there. Her and her 3 kids weren't home. The landlord is going to move them into a 2 bedroom until a 3 opens up. Which was really nice, especially seeing it was most likely caused by candles she left burning...
I really feel bad for her though. Now she has lost almost everything. Thankfully she has her family.
She has been through a lot with Ray's brother this last year. She lost their baby, about 6 months ago I think... we attended the memorial service. He leaves, comes back, leaves... really fucks with her mentally. I love ray's brother, but sometimes he makes me sick... the way he treats women is just awful... I won't go into all of it now, or how many kids he has.... just know I think it's disgusting and sad that he is never going to grow up. And only the women that love him, and all his kids are going to suffer for it.

BUT I have my own problems. I can't worry about her, or her stupid decisions... He's like family, and I can't be thinking of all these silly girls every time I see him. If I do I might end up telling him off one day... that's the last thing I should do right now! haha, like I need his whole family mad at me too. Oh that would be funny though! "Hey you selfish piece of shit. Why don't you grow the fuck up and think about someone else besides yourself for once in your life. How about you go get snipped so you can quit having kids you aren't going to take care of. And for Fucks sake pick a girl and stick with her! Maybe even pick one that has a kid by you already!!" ahh... that would be great huh? I know it would make me feel better ;) But I won't.
Like I said. I got enough problems.
He was here yesterday... had been helping her salvage some stuff from the basement. He found 8 grams of cocaine, and was pretty happy! Who cares her house burnt down, it was his fucking lucky day!
Ugh... do you see the kind of people I'm surrounded by? It's really no wonder I'm depressed...

And yes, I am pretty depressed. Just so tired of everything you know? Struggling everyday and getting no where... Living by the golden rule when no one else does... Ugh, don't get me started! (and no, this so far is not even getting started haha)

Despite everything I had an ok weekend. But now I'm feeling low again.

Me and my son are fine. I'm upset right now writing about it, but I yelled at him about it Friday/Saturday, now I'm done. Now I'm just going to be very strict about it and make sure... he doesn't lie and say he did everything in his planner??? How am I going to do that? Ugh, he better not. He knows I'm checking online now, and hopefully wanting to play his video games in 9 weeks will be enough motivation for him. AND not ever wanting to see me that pissed off ever again!

Tomorrow he will be back in school. I have a very busy day... I'll be bringing him to school, picking up Ray, bringing him to donate plasma, waiting in the parking lit for an hour or more, doing about 5 loads of laundry when I get home, then taking all that to the laundry mat to dry. Then making dinner...
I would love to say I will get back to doing the treadmill tomorrow, but I'm not going to say that. Because I probably won't.

I feel like all I do is complain lately. And this shit has to be depressing to read! So I'm going to take a little time off from my blog. I will come back when I'm a little less stressed and have some good things to write about. I'm thinking after the holiday is over, no later than Monday Ok? I don't want to just keep writing about the bad all the time... it's not any fun. For me, and I'm sure not for you either.

I'll still be here reading yours though! I have to catch up the last couple days of course.

To make sure I don't completely go off the deep end, as far as food again, I am going to make a promise:
I WILL write down everything I eat. It's when I don't, that I really mess up.
I will try to get back on the treadmill, I know it's SO important for my weight loss.
I will update my weight loss tracker every day.

Thanks for all of your support, and I'm sorry I'm so winy lately.

I'm going to take a page out of colenic's book and list some good things in the middle of this chaos.
My middle brother JW got a job today
Ray is getting a LOT more hours because of the Holidays
It was a beautiful 65 degree day out today, even with the storm later and tornado watch :)
Besides this temporary grade set back, I really do have a great son. We have a good relationship, and I'm confident this lying was just a phase (umm... am I in denial? Just let me stay here if I am ok?)
I know Ray loves me
My car is working
I got a surprise birthday card from my best friend
The 3 of us watched Avatar together and it was very nice :)

Again, I'm sorry all I do is complain. I know it could be worse and others have way more problems than I do. I know I will feel better...
Oh, and I should apologise for all the swearing too :) I really don't swear a lot... I guess I swear more when I'm angry or depressed... but rest assured I don't talk to my son like that. He's heard it all form my Mom and brothers, but I've never felt the need to swear in front of kids... Ok, maybe when some idiot almost crashes into me while I'm driving, but that's about it ;)

Ok, Goodnight everybody. I'll be back!

Friday's Food Disaster

2010-11-20T11:51:00.000-05:00

It seems to me that EVERY Friday after weigh in, I never do well with food. Maybe it's the relief and knowing I have a whole week ahead to fix whatever damage I do? I don't know, but being Friday AND coming off my birthday both probably contributed to this disaster of a day.
I started off ok, I felt nauseous a lot of the day and wasn't really hungry... So all I had was vegetables for dinner. I was feeling ok with my day.
Then I started feeling better, FINALLY at about 8pm. And the munchies kicked in...
No excuses though, I could have used a little will power... could have made better choices! There is no reasonable explanation to why I would eat all this.
So lets get this out of the way and move on:

Yesterday's Food:
Coffee: 50
1/2 cup with 1 1/2 tbs pumpkin spice creamer
Lunch: 590
4 hard shell tacos, 1 bite of rice, 1 bite of beans
Iced Coffee: 55
1/2 cup with 1 1/2 creamer
Dinner: 55
1 1/2 cup boiled veggies (frozen mix- broccoli, cauliflower, carrots) with 1/2 tbs parmesan
Then came the snacking :( Binging is more like it...
1 slice of cinnamon raisin bread: 80
1 slice of cinnamon raisin toast with 1/2 tbs cc: 110
1 mini bagel with cream cheese and 8 pepperonis: 340
Veggie chips with cheese and salsa: 250
1 piece of cake:? 1/2 cup ice cream: 130
White Cheddar Cheez its: about 150
1 werthers: 23
This was all between 8pm and about midnight... Why? I really don't know, I have no idea. But even for those 2 weeks I was gone I didn't do this! I over ate a lot at meals, and I did snack a lot... but to just eat one thing after another, a whole new snack every 20 minutes... I am so disappointed in myself.

I am glad I got that out of the way. Even though it is HORRIBLE, I'm glad I got recorded it. Seeing it makes me have to face how out of control I got, and how easy it would be to just do that every day... to gain all my weight back- and then some! Those 2 weeks and this are set backs...
I have really been letting myself down lately... and in doing that, I also feel like I'm letting down those of you who support me... and I feel bad about that :(

I'm glad I got this all down and over with. I'm not going to dwell on it. just try to move forward.

Right Now, surprisingly, I feel great.
I have 6 days left till my next Friday weigh in and I still believe I can loose the 2.6 pounds if I really put my mind to it. My mind is to it right now, I guess the struggle is KEEPING it there.

Weigh In- Not a Good Idea the Day After your Birthday!

2010-11-19T22:42:00.001-05:00

And the scale says...

285.4

A loss of 1.4 pounds this week,

making my Total Loss 34.6 pounds.

Treadmill Totals:

2 hours 11 minutes

5.04 miles Woo Hoo!

You know me, I'm happy with a loss. ANY loss. This week is different though, I really should have lost more. I just came back from a big gain from those 2 weeks I was MIA, and I expected a good number. That's what I get for eating like I did for my birthday though.

GOAL PROGRESS:
The main reason I'm not happy with that though, is because of my goal to loose 50 pounds Total by New years... and this isn't going to do it! I was supposed to loose 2.4 pounds this week... so I missed that goal. ugh.

Now I have only 6 weeks left, and 15.4 pounds to loose! That is about 2.6 pounds per week! I think I can do it if I really get ahold of my eating, and stick with the treadmill! I'll do at least 5 miles per week. While I'm disappointed in today's number (that is the FIRST time I have said that about a loss people! Now you know why I'm not a fan of weight goals LOL) I am still motivated and still going to do my best to meet my new goal!!!

Hopefully next week will be great :)

I did make my 5 mile goal though! 5 miles per week is definitely doable for me, and I am going to make sure I get at least 5 miles in from now on!

I woke up with a head ache today, and slept most of the morning and early afternoon. Every day I wake up and feel sick, or have a head ache :( This has been going on for a week now. I'm starting to get tired of it! Hopefully I'm not going to get sick, my son was complaining about a sore throat today... We hardly ever get sick, so I'm still hoping whatever it is will pass us by! Also, I was thinking it could be caffeine. I haven't been consistent with my coffee, sometimes one, sometimes two... maybe that's it? I don't know.

But today was fine other than that.

2 of my brothers came by, the youngest Bear and the oldest JW and their friend N (like a little brother to me.) Bear got me a present after I told him not to! I guess he planned on taking me to lunch, but when I didn't answer my phone all morning he ended up buying me the Avatar movie set. It's the new one with all that extra junk on it. It's heavy lol. He loves to get me stuff he wants, but I actually saw commercials for it and thought it looked pretty cool. All the behind the scenes footage and what not. Besides, I was going to get it for my son for Christmas- now I don't have too! HE is very happy about my gift :) We were going to watch it tonight, but I feel yucky and might go to bed soon. But for sure tomorrow!

I tried to unload some of this cake on them!!! But they were on their way out to eat, so only Bear had some. Me? I ended up with 2 slices today.... bleh.

I'll come back in the morning with a full report on my food. It isn't great :(

(Oh, late last night I had a bowl of cereal, which I will add to yesterdays record)

Alright, going to try and catch some blogs... a problem I'm going to have to do something about soon! I have to many that I read... but it's so hard to choose any to let go!!!! What's a girl to do?!?!?!?!

Have a great night :)

A Good Birthday... Crack, Cake, and Suprises!

2010-11-18T23:52:00.003-05:00

Lets start with yesterday.
Here's the damage:
Breakfast @5am: 725
3/4 cup crab salad, 8 club crackers, water
Lunch: 394
Tuna Sandwich on whole wheat with 1 tbs 'miracle whip', 1/8 cup cheddar, jalapenos. 5 baby carrots, 1 tbs light ranch, water.
Iced Coffee: 105
with 3 tbs pumpkin spice creamer
Dinner: 1107
2 double Decker style tacos, one hard shell taco, 1/2 cup beans, 1/2 cup of my quick Spanish rice, 1 cup milk.
Iced Coffee: 235
Iced coffee with 3 tbs hazelnut creamer and 1/2 cup french silk ice cream.
Total Water: about 15 oz
Total Calories: 2331
Yeah, not good I know.
The early breakfast was because I had went shopping after dropping Ray at work and was starving when I got home. Could I have chosen better? OF COURSE, but it's my birthday and I'm not going to concentrate on the bad lol. Let's concentrate on the good: While I was shopping I saw the cutest little bamboo set up in a little vase that would go PERFECT in my living room. But money is tight, and I didn't want anything for my birthday.

But then Ray asked me last night what I wanted, and I told him... "WELL, I did see something at the store this morning..." So at about midnight last night (after he had a nap and I had iced coffee) we went to get it. He thought he knew what it was, HA! So I let him lead the way to the middle of the store to a sweater I had commented on about a week ago. NOPE, the bamboo I wanted was half the price of that thing lol. But I love that he wanted to get it for me :) So we started walking... and stopped. He thought about it... and had NO idea :) I told him he can ask if he's hot or cold if he wanted... :) COLD.
This went on for about 10- 15 minutes! HAHA! Now remember it's midnight, and there was hardly anyone there... I'm hopped up on coffee, it's my birthday, and I'm playing "Hot or Cold" in the middle of a Super Store. HAHA! I could not quit grinning! And we would go... then stop... then turn... then go... then stop... and all I could think of, is the bored security guard watching the surveillance video in the back room. HAHAHA!!! He must have been thinking; WTF ARE THEY DOING? And maybe show his buddy these 2 people walking, stopping, turning, walking... the tall dark intimidating man with his hood on, walking around with this short girl who has a huge grin on her face and keeps laughing.... and I imagine him saying- YEP, they're on crack." HAHAHA! So I laughed even MORE! HAHAHAHA!
We finally ended up at the display with the different plants in little vases. He touched 2 before getting the right one... :) So it all ended well, and no one came out to investigate us :)
(But can you imagine, after all that, watching us buy a little bamboo plant and leaving??? They probably thought we were going to go try and smoke it!!! HAHAHAHAHA!)
So this was a GREAT way to start off my birthday. Hands down the best time I've ever had in that store haha!!! Shoot- in ANY store!!!

My scale was even nice to me today! This morning I was down 2.4 pounds from yesterday!!! After my eating? After taco night???? HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE??? For real don't ask me cause I have NO idea. I did get some walking in, playing reindeer games with Ray at the store lol, but still!

Today Ray surprise me buy telling me he called this place and we need ot go drop off my necklace to get fixed. It's a gold/diamond heart necklace he bought me years ago, and I always wore it until this year when it broke. We went and it only came up to $10.70! Wish I would have known it was that cheap before!

Then we went to eat at this awesome pizza place we just recently discovered. They have a $5 lunch buffet... not the best time to discover this, but man is it good! I don't know how they can only charge $5, it's awesome.

So lets get what I ate today out of the way:
Lunch: ?
At the Buffet- The best Salad (with ham, cheese, croutons, ranch) 3 slices of pizza, (1 ham and olive, 1 pepperoni and mushroom, 1 Vegetarian- Spinach, mushroom, tomato) 1 small bread stick, 3 mozzarella sticks, 2 brownies, water
Snack: ?
Small piece of cake, 1/2 cup French Silk ice cream (130 calories)
Iced Coffee: 105
with 3 tbs pumpkin spice creamer
Total Water: 27 oz

I know, Lunch was BAD. I even indulged in 2 of the brownies (the best brownies EVER). I planned on not eating anything for the rest of the day. And I figured those 2 brownies were better than having a cake at home and eating it for days!

My son got home and Ray secretly had him sign the card on the bamboo and acted like I didn't know about it :) They both came in with it and told me Happy Birthday! I love them :)

Then I got a huge surprise!
You may remember a couple months ago I won over at Happy Fun Pant's Review Blog... well it came TODAY! $150 visa gift card!!!!! It was even in a colorful Birthday like card! Of all the days it came on my Birthday! Woo Hoo!!!! I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it yet.... I REALLY need a camera... and black Friday is just around the corner.... ;)

Then another surprise. My Mom and Jeff came... with CAKE. She made me a whole cake. I didn't hide my 'what the hell' face. She said "Oh, you don't really need a cake do ya haha." Oh well. I don't think she is trying to sabotage me, I think she was trying to be nice :) She even brought frosting and food coloring for my son to help her decorate it. So I didn't use that face anymore lol. I only had a little piece, so it all worked out nice. (But now I have 3/4 of a cake sitting here!)

I also got a call from 2 of my brothers, and a text from my middle brother :) And a (slightly wierd) card sent from my Dad and Stepmom.

I still had 2 miles to do to make my 5 mile goal by tomorrow. I told Ray "Who wants to go on the treadmill on thier birthday?" and then I smiled and said... wait for it... "But I guess getting healthy is the best gift I could give myself." Haha, and I tilted my head and smiled! The cornyness was hilarious :)
But it's true right?
SO I did TWO miles, that's double what I have been doing. I did it in two shots, with an hour break between.
38 minutes/ 1.51 miles
14 minutes/ .50 mile, 2 lb weights for 5 minutes
I put the incline to 0 cause I knew it would be hard. But I DID it :)

And that's my birthday. I didn't plan on anything at all, but I got all these surprises :) It really was a great birthday. :)

Ray is getting a lot of extra hours because of the Holidays, so that's really good news. So instead of him having to be there at 4, he has to be there in about 15 minutes. So I gotta go!

Have a great night! :)

Grandmother Update

2010-11-18T22:51:00.000-05:00

WELL, I feel bad for saying I don't care what happens to her. I still feel I will be fine no matter what happens, but I also know that I do care. I hope she recovers well. I guess I'm still angry about everything that has happened, and I was feeling that yesterday.
She is still at the hospital, I guess she got pretty sick today. I don't know what all drugs she is on, but that may be why. I do know that she is on morphine and feeling no pain.
My Mom called her and she said she sounded ok. Until the end she said "I really don't like this." My Mom said "What, being in the hospital?" Grandmother replied, "All of it. I don't like any of this..." and then she told my Mom, "Things will get better." Mom thinks she means the whole family situation. Maybe she does, but I don't see how it could get better...
I said yesterday that I hope my sons card makes her feel like shit... I feel bad about saying that now.
My Great Aunt did go see her, but she didn't let me know if she gave her the card. Maybe she did? And maybe it made her think about things? I don't know.

I still don't want anything to do with her, but if somehow things could get better and my Mom could have her mother back... that would be great. But with everything that's happened I just don't see how that is possible. Sherry will always be there, and I doubt she will ever have anything to do with Mom (he sister) even though my mother did NOTHING to her. (I know there is 3 sides to every story, but I'm serious. NOTHING) Sherry is delusional, among other things. But most of all she is SPOILED and SELFISH. That's pretty much the reasons behind everything.

Anyway. I just wanted to make sure you know I don't wish her any ill will... But I'm not going to loose any sleep over this. I'll let you know how everything turns out.

Grandmama Drama, and Catch Up

2010-11-17T23:08:00.001-05:00

Hello! First let me say hi to a couple new 'followers.' To Bouncin Barb and Pengu, Thank you for joining me in my day!

Sorry I've been gone a few days again. I still am a little down I guess, but I am doing ok :) I have just been sleeping a lot. A LOT. So I haven't had time to write. I actually went to bed at 9 Monday night! Crazy right? Then when I get up in the morning, every day it seems I don't feel good :( I thought something had passed me by and I lucked out since I only felt feverish one day... but I don't know. I hardly ever get sick, so I'm hoping it passes without much hassle!

My computer is all fixed, so that's good :)

Not much new here.

My Grandmother's surgery is today. It's major surgery, very dangerous I hear. The top two vertebrae in her spine are completely gone. I guess she's been doing pretty bad. This is all news to me this last week, since my mother tells me NOTHING important. I guess she cries all the time because of the pain, and has fallen a lot lately because she can't hardly use her legs...
Now, I don't really feel anything about it. At first I was stressed and worried a little... but now? I really don't care. It may sound cold, but she has put my family through so much... she is no longer the grandmother we all knew and loved. That person was gone WAY before any of this started happening.
Without getting into everything that happened, the quick version is this: 3 years ago her spoiled selfish daughter finally convinced my grandmother to ban me from her house. Then to disown me, my mother (her other daughter!) my brothers, even her own sister. It was ridiculous. I mean, the stuff you see on talk shows, NOT in real life... NOT in MY family! It was all devastating... I loved my grandmother. I would have done anything for her. She was the one person in the world I knew would always be there for me. Then she changed...
It took a while but now my grandmother and her sister (my great Aunt) are back to being best friends. Even my mother talks to her now... kind of. She brought up about 6 months ago "I wish I could come see you sometimes." Her mother said "That's between you and Sherry (the spoiled bitch)." That right there shows ME that nothing has changed. Sherry still runs her life and her house. Sherry is still number one no matter what. So I really gave up any hope of ever having any kind of relationship with her. I haven't seen her in 3 years, since she hung up on me after disowning me.
Now to the present.
I had been stressing about this surgery. Should I send a card at least? But I decided that would be pointless. I already morned the loss of my Gramma 3 years ago, and she is not the same person anymore. This woman is NOT her. So what would be the point? There isn't one.
So last night my mother called her, (can't go see her cause she's not allowed- Sherry says so) and it's the last conversation Mom is going to have with her mother before this life threatening surgery. My grandmother could have said anything. She could have said she was sorry for disowning her. Or sorry for calling her and her family names, or sorry for letting Sherry take over her life and push everyone else out... but no. She tells my Mom "I just can't forget the horrible names you called me." My Mom did go off on her, AFTER everything else. Because my Grandmother had called her and hurt her more than she'd ever been hurt in her life... So my Mom apologizes for the things she said. Does Grandmother? Of course not. She finally says, "well I guess we should just let all this go." And of course my Mom is fine with this. So they are fine. Mom will be happy just seeing her once in a while (when they both visit my Great Aunt who lives close by.) Never being able to just call, or come over. Never being important again, now that Sherry rules everything. In fact, when my grandmother told my Great Aunt to tell my mother what time her surgery was, she said "But don't let Sherry know we told her, because I don't want her stressed out before surgery." wtf?
Grandmother thinks she is being the bigger person for 'letting it go' because she thinks she has done no wrong. I know for a fact that whatever Sherry decided is the version of what happened, has been pumped into Grandmothers brain for 3 years and she probably doesn't even know half of what really went on! But whatever.
I won't get in the way of my mother and her mother... but ME? I will not put up with that shit. People say life is to short to hold a grudge or not forgive someone. I say life is to short to allow people into your life that will turn on you at the drop of a hat. To give your heart to people that will stomp all over it. My mother will most likely be hurt in the future by her. I will not go down that road again.

My son has overheard a lot of what has been said the last couple days, so I told him about the surgery. And asked if he would like to make her a card or anything. He decided he wanted me to buy one for him to sign. He didn't get emotional or anything, he hasn't seen her in 3 years either. She does send him a card for his birthday and Christmas though. I told him he didn't have to, and no one expects him to. But he wanted to. He's a sweet boy, and he must miss her... I miss her too, but I miss what she USED to be. That woman is gone. So no matter what happens in surgery, I won't mourn her, I don't even know her.

Here's what the last few days have looked like:
Sunday-
Coffee: 105
with 3 tbs pumpkin spice creamer
Breakfast: 90
Special K vanilla Crisp bar
Lunch: 448
Tuna sandwich on whole wheat with 1 tbs miracle whip, jalapenos, cheddar cheese. 8 veggie chips, 5 baby carrots, 1 tbs light ranch. Water.
Dinner: 425
6 oz chicken, 1 cup red beans and rice, 1/2 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 230
Little Debbie Christmas Tree cake and 1/2 cup ff skim milk
Snack LATE night: 263
33 grams veggie chips, 1/4 cup cheddar, salsa. water
Total Water: 44 oz
Total Calories: 1561
Treadmill: 26 minutes/ 1 mile, Incline 2. Carrying 2 lb weights for 5 minutes

Monday-
Coffee: 53
Half of my cup with 1.5 tbs pumpkin spice creamer (3 tbs total)
Lunch: 464
Tuna Sandwich on whole wheat with 1 tbs miracle whip, 1 slice munster cheese, jalapenos. 15 grams veggie chips, 5 baby carrots, 1 tbs light ranch. water
Dinner: ?
3 slices of pizza, 2 bread sticks, water
Total Water: 35 oz

Tuesday-
Lunch: ?
2 slices of pizza, 1 bread stick, water
Iced coffee: 105
coffee, ice, 3 tbs hazelnut creamer
Dinner: ?
1 Parmesan stuffed chicken, 1 cup pasta
Snack: 23
1 Werther's
Snack: 235
Cereal- 1 1/2 cup frosted puffed wheat, 1 cup ff skim milk
Total Water: 38 oz
Treadmill: 26 minutes/ 1 mile, Incline 2. Carrying 2 lb weights for 5 minutes

I found this pumpkin spice liquid creamer at Aldi's, I LOVE it. Really, it is so good! I'm sure it's seasonal, so I'm going to have to stock up! The hazzlenut, not so much. It takes 4 tbs to get it good, and I onlt like it in ice coffee. Once it's gone, I won't be getting that again I don't think.
Found some whole wheat bread that is 50 calories per slice... but I don't like it as much as my normal (70 per slice)...
These Veggie Chips I also found at Aldi's. All natural, 130 calories for 28 grams (more than enough) and they are pretty good!
As you can see, it isn't horrible but I NEED to do better.
I didn't record all of the calories, but I'm trying to get back into the habit. I DID record EVERYTHING I ate though :)
Today is... ok so far, Ray has the night off and I'll be up late I'm sure. I will try not to eat anything else though, as I over ate for dinner (tacos) and I'm kind of full. I'll be back tomorrow with a full report.

SURGERY UPDATE:
She didn't get into surgery as soon as she was supposed to. So my Great Aunt didn't make it up there, but will see her tomorrow and give her my sons card. Now that she's out of the woods, I guess I'm glad. I still don't want anything to do with her. I know she doesn't want anything to do with me either, so it's all good. The card? I hope it makes her feel like the shitty 'Great' grandmother she is... I know it might not be right, but you know me! Honest to a fault, and I can't help how I feel.

I feel really good though. I got a gift mailed out for my best friends baby today. Renewed my stupid license. They took my picture, and it looks HORRIBLE, but I think they are supposed to lol. She asked "Is this ok?" I said yes... because who makes them retake it??? But I should have, now I have to live with that picture! lol, oh well. Also, it asked my weight... my weight has never been on my license before! I hope it isn't now...
Ray has the morning off, so I don't have to get up at 3:30am! Woo Hoo!
ALSO I got a blog award from colenic, now that is enough to make a girl smile! I'll get to that soon. As soon as I can come up with the answers to the question! :) I also have some questions to answer from Tessa, so I have some thinking to do :)

Have a great night everyone!

Might Be Away for a Bit...

2010-11-15T00:31:00.001-05:00

But don't worry! I am feeling great and I won't fall off the road (I'm not quite back on the wagon lol, I'll be back on it soon though!)

I have to take the computer back to the shop tomorrow, they had to order something that should arive tomorrow (Monday). I took the computer home though because it was up and running lol, and I couldn't live without if one more day! I am very hopeful that I will get it back the same day though, Tuesday at the latest!

I did well today. Even when the store declined my debit card and I couldn't buy cat food! Grrr. I know I have money in my account, so I'm thinking it's the same thing that happened about a month ago when my card was declined (at the same store!). My MasterCard number was 'compromised' and they had to issue me a new one. Wiht out contacting me, just canelled my debit card! It was this big ordeal and really pissed me off... and that has to be what is going on now. I don't have much money lol, but I have way more than enough to pay for the damn cat food!!!
On top of having no way to get MY money, one thing that pissed me off is that the bank wouldn't tell me what merchant had compromised my card. Isn't it my right? It's my money isn't it? Idiots. And now they did it again. On a Sunday, when I couldn't even call to see wtf is going on. Can't go get any cash from the atm if my card is deactivated. Can't go to the bank since it's closed....
Last week, I would have come home and used Ray's card and ordered a pizza! BUT it's not last week. It's now, and I am fine. It is an inconvenience, but nothing I can do about it. I will handle it tomorrow. See, no biggie :)
I'll take ray's card and get cat food at a different store at 4am when I take him to work. The cats think it's just their lucky day, as they have had lots of tuna today! :)

THANK YOU
I know I've said thank you in the comments, but I really hope you all understand how much your support has meant to me, especially the last few days.
We all have problems and issues. Now that I feel better, I know that mine are small compared to some. My stress is nothing compared to others. But when I was in that state, it felt unbearable and I thank you all for all the kind words and support.
All of us have struggles. When I see your struggles my heart goes out to you, and I hope you can find comfort like I have here. Like I said, most of you have more on your plate than I do! Things you have to deal with, things you have to overcome everyday. There are medical issues, and so many other problems out there, that I feel guilty for getting so down... My worries are no more important than anyone else's and I just thank you for taking time out to make me feel better.
I hope that all of your stresses and hardships are made a little better by getting them out here in blogland.
I know getting things off my chest here has done so much for me. I just want you to know that I'm here if you need someone to listen, just like you all have been here for me.
HUGS and Thank you!

I'll be back tomorrow, hopefully, for what I ate today and your regularly scheduled program! :) It's 12:30, and I'm off to bed. Not exactly midnight, but pretty good! :)

A Day to Remember

2010-11-14T13:41:00.000-05:00

One thing that happened while I was away, was on Halloween. I had my family over, and it was nice. My brother weighed himself on my scale, and was 279. He thinks that is a lot (which it is) but has NO IDEA I weighed that much too! I was at the same weight as him on that day. Now I am more, but that's not the point lol. The point is, someday after I loose a LOT of weight, I will tell him that "back on Halloween 2010, when you weighed yourself and was 279? I was 279 too!!!" Hopefully that will be soon, like maybe Halloween of next year I could tell him that??? :)

I plan on doing my post in the mornings again. That was working well and getting me to bed earlier. These last 2 weeks have been so off, and my sleep has been horrible. Now that I have my car back (I am so thankful for) I am bringing Ray to work again at 3:45am. Oh how I loved to get a nice chunk of sleep in with no interruptions... I have to get used to this all over again now lol. Maybe lack of sleep was contributing to my horrible depression. Well... there is no maybe about it, I know it didn't help anything!!! I HAVE to get back on some kind of schedule! I am going to try and get to bed at a decent time tonight!

Yesterday when I woke up to bring Ray, I felt really sick. I was afraid I was going to throw up. When I got back later that was gone but I had a head ache all day. ALL day. I didn't do the treadmill, but I am allowed 2 days off. I don't plan on taking them, but I'm ok with it if I do... I didn't write down what I ate for the second half of the day till now.
Today I feel so much better, just a slight headache. So hopefully I won't get sick like I was afraid of!

Yesterday:
Breakfast: 110
Slice on cinnamon raisin toast with 1/2 tbs Country Crock
Lunch: 515
Tuna Sandwich on whole wheat, 1 1/2 tbs miracle whip(well, store brand), 1/4 cup cheddar, jalapenos. some veggie chips, 5 baby carrots, 1 tbs light ranch. water
Snack: 245
Cereal- 1 1/2 cup frosted wheat puffs with 1 cup ff skim milk
Iced Coffee: 140
with 4 tbs hazelnut creamer
Dinner: 910
2 servings of General Tso's Chicken (Frozen) and 1 egg role. 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 185
bowl of Veggie chips with a little cheddar
Snack: 280
2 slices of cinnamon raisin toast- 1 with cc, one with cc and honey peanut butter
Total Water: 36 oz
Total Calories: 2385

Can you believe I thought I did ok until I just wrote and added it all up??? Obviously I was wrong. Even without the amount of calories, I over ate and snacked WAY to much.

I'm not beating myself up though, I'm down another 1.2 pounds this morning... I guess that shows just HOW bad my eating was the last 2 weeks! But more important, I feel great. I mean GREAT.

I had a long night, and this morning had one of those dreams that goes on forever... It started with someone shooting me through my bedroom window. I was so scared, I was pretending to be dead so he wouldn't shoot me again. I got up and my clothing was so bloody. I was terrified. But Ray didn't care. AT ALL. It was in my side, and it wasn't going to kill me... I go down stairs and my Mom and brothers are here, they didn't care either! I'm walking around all bloody and I ask "Shouldn't we call 911?" and eventually I did, but no one was worried or cared. they actually were annoyed that I was making such a big deal out of being SHOT.
Anyway, the dream lasted hours I think.
I woke up when Ray came in at about 11 to wake me. (I didn't hear him get up or anything! Which is weird!) I was exhausted from the dream, and mad at Ray because he hadn't cared about me. But he cuddled with me a little bit, I tell him I love him and thank him for being so patient with me this last week and dealing with my mood swings. Of course he says "you don't' have to thank me." I got up and followed him downstairs. My son is pretending to sleep on the couch lol. I go to the kitchen and Ray has almost all the dishes done!!! I love him so much. He can't realize how happy that made me, how much that helped. Now I feel like I can do the other things that need to be done, get this house back in order...

So now I feel great. I'm having my coffee, and will get on the treadmill and take a shower (which I desperately need!) and will feel even better. It's a LATE start to the day, but no matter. Tomorrow I'll get back on schedule, and get back to keeping the house up (which I was doing so good with before Halloween!) and all will be well :)

Now that I wrote that... I am a little worried at how happy I am! Does that sound insane or what? But I know that this is what happened 2 weeks ago... I was on top of the world, and then it all came crashing down. This would be what my Mom would call her 'manic' phase... I just have to make sure I pace myself, and don't try and take on the whole world I guess! And not let it come crashing down again... I really do feel so good though, that I don't think that will happen. :)

Maybe you want to hear me bitch and moan?

2010-11-13T00:13:00.000-05:00

Or maybe you don't! And that is totaly fine!!! Or maybe you don't want to read my personal rambalings and realize I'm a mess.

That's why I decided to do my personal life complaints in a separate post. I want you my followers to be able to skip it if you want, but still be all caught up on everything else. Does that make sense? Skip it if you want, it's personal and it is not required reading... haha :)
Also, it's a separate post because I don't want it to come off as excuses... because my stress is NOT an excuse for sabotaging myself like I did!
This blog has been about my weight loss journey, as well as my life. It is like my journal and has become a place where I can vent and get it all out. (Giving Ray a huge break lol) So I just want you to know what's going on in my life lately. So it is separate from my weight loss struggles, because let's face it. My life is stressful and it's not going to be any less stressful anytime soon! I CAN NOT turn to food every time something goes wrong.
So feel free to skip this one!

I am feeling kind of sick... kind of feverish. Maybe that's why I feel so... unemotional right now. Or maybe it is just my crazy bad mood swings... But all these things that have caused me so much stress over the last few weeks, don't really even seem important right now. I mean, they ARE important, but not so overwhelming that I can't handle it... So I think I'll just kind of list them, and not get emotional about it like I normally would.

Yeah, a 'matter of fact' list might be just what I need... It may look cold, but it's a way for me to get it all out. And a way for you to be caught up without me doing a 10 page post too... I'm sure as time goes on, I will have to deal with some of it and will do more emotional or detailed post about some of it... but today it's just time to get it off my chest. Nice and quick like.

Last week Ray's Mom started stressing about whether or not to retire. She is constantly thinking about it, not sure what to do. She has one more month to decide. She is talking about it whenever we see her. Even called here and cried about it. Part of the problem is that she raised her boys to depend on her for EVERYTHING and now 2 of Ray's brothers do. That's how she raised them... But I can't tell her that. I feel bad, but I don't know what to do for her... It's stressing Ray out...

Lat week Ray's Dad called his mother, and left his phone number for Ray to call him if he wants... I have very strong opinions and emotions about this- but for now we'll just stick with the facts: He hasn't seen Ray in about 20 years, since he was a young boy. He never tried to contact him before. Now he is divorced and all of a sudden calls ray's mom and has a really long chat... I will not go into what I think of this situation or this man. I don't want him in our lives- I don't want to see Ray hurt. Again.

Ray's brother just got out of prison last month. After serving his latest term, 14 years. He stays less than 10 minutes from here. He is not someone I want around, maybe if we didn't have a son- but we DO. So I am hoping he doesn't contact Ray, and that Ray doesn't decide he wants to contact him. I think one of Ray's brothers has been talking to him, but He has no contact with their mother. (Ever since he tried to kill her when Ray was little.) So I am keeping my fingers crossed that I do not have to deal with this.

Money Problems, bad money problems. of course.

Thanksgiving is comming up. We have it at Mom's (my brothers) but I have not been there in months, because I don't want my son exposed to weed anymore. They don't respect how I am trying to raise him so we haven't' been over there. I am expected to be there, and will have to have a talk with my brother about no one getting high while we are there. It could go a number of ways...

My grandmother is having major surgery in about a week. On my birthday in fact. She disowned us all about 3 years ago. (a long story, her daughter took over her life ect.) I don't want to have anything to do with her or her evil daughter. But what if she dies? Will I regret not speaking to her... or even sending her a card before she goes to the hospital? Will I feel bad about that for ever? Or maybe I won't care. Don't know.

Margie and Bruce's death... effected me more than I ever thought it could. I can't explain how sad I was, am. It Left me so confused. Broke my heart. made me question the point of this life and all of our struggles...
Before Margie died, October already had a shadow cast over me. It is the 1 year anniversary of my cousins death. She was only 1 month older than me when she died last year. 28 years old. Her name is the same as mine, Tina Marie... I loved her very much. She died of an overdose. Heroin. All alone in a motel room. It hurts to even think about it. Hurts to think about how she looked in her casket. Right now my chest feels like it's caving in... moving on.

Having serious faith issues. Not sure what I believe anymore... and it is really sad to me. This started last year, and got worse when Tina died at the same time I was trying to figure it out.
(Some day I will tell you all about her life, and how the belief I always had that 'God never gives you more than you can handle' was shattered in to a million tiny pieces the day she died.)
My doubt in my faith gets worse and worse... and now I don't think I believe in a lot of the things I have my whole life. I'm not sure how to deal with that... I have no idea what to do about this.

Ok, these are the main things I think of daily that have been overwhelming me. Other things like my house being a mess right now, or gas prices, or the computer breaking as soon as I finally got my car back... these are little, these are just inconveniences, but they do add to my already fragile mental state.

It's times like this when one of my worst fears haunt me.
I get depressed, but it's not often I get this bad. I think this may be the worst time I have ever had with mood swings... Well, in a LONG time anyway. It's not often that I feel I can't really control my emotions, where I get so overwhelmed with things that I pretty much give up... and it makes me feel I am like my mother. This only makes me more depressed and stressed out. Over the years she has been diagnosed with Manic depression, OCD, and Bi Polar... but I figure her doctors are all quacks and most of it is in her head. Excuses to not have any responsibilities...
Then I get like this and feel like a failure... and wonder if I'm going to end up a selfish bitch like her...

If you have stayed and read all this, I don't want you to worry. I'm not in a corner crying all day or anything.
I think my son is oblivious except my temper is a little short... But we're ok. I think of most of this when I'm alone. I rarely cry, but it's at night when I do. I had been letting him play xbox more, just so he wouldn't catch on... he was happy but I know that's no good! We have been watching movies/ shows on netflix and that time with him I do forget everything else :)
Once this week, on my worst day, I did start crying while making dinner, but he didn't see me...

I know it could be worse. It could ALWAYS be worse. I also know we all have bad days... but I'm just tired of having all bad days...

Well, to make sure I don't get to emotional and start writing a whole fricken novel right now, I better get going! Now that I have my computer back, and am getting back on track, I am very hopeful that these feelings will pass and everything will go back to 'normal.'

First Day Back

2010-11-12T22:35:00.000-05:00

Well, today went ok.
I started off with lunch at my son's favorite place (an Asian buffet) and thought 'man, I shouldn't even go.' But we had it planned for a while now, since he had today off of school and we haven't been doing ANYTHING.
It was good, I did OK- could have done better for sure. But I did better than I have been doing for the last week! Compared to that, today went very well.

I don't know what happened... I've been under stress (which maybe I'll vent about in a separate post) but that's no excuse...
Halloween- I had to much candy, but was feeling fine. I did well calorie wise as I hadn't ate anything else until dinner! The next day was going to be better, but I ate even MORE candy... everyday I got up with good intentions, and then ruined it... THAT is the difference. Since I started this in January, I never just said "oh well, I ruined it- start again tomorrow." I mean sure, at the end of the day when I sat down and looked at the day, I would say "tomorrow is another day." But I never just gave up and threw the whole day away because of a mistake.
After my Friday weigh in came around on the 5th, I pretty much completely stopped trying. Then on Tuesday I realized I could do my blog from the PS3, I decided to knock it off and get back at it. I did the treadmill that day, and was ready to go! But I got up the next day, said fuck it, and just ate what I wanted, when I wanted for the next 3 days. I did horrible all this time, but the last few days were the worst. I even decided 'Oh well, I already ruined it. I'll start again Friday after my weigh in." And that's what I did. That's why I'm in this situation... because of that start date mentality. Pick a date, pick tomorrow, whatever- and then eat whatever I want and pig out until that date... I used to ALWAYS do that. My whole life. But since I started my journey on January 1st, I NEVER did that and promised I would NEVER do that again. But I did. And here we are.

I feel like I'm starting all over. I did things that I used to do... I mean I was as bad as I have ever been! I ate to much, I ate when I wasn't hungry, I did just about everything I used to. It's the first time I can't say "Even though it looks bad, It's better than I used to be." Because it's BAD, just as bad as it used to be.
The only thing that is different from before 2010, is that I did drink water everyday. But only about 10 oz. I didn't have pop except for the last 2 days, a 12 oz glass one day and an 8 oz glass the next. Oh, and wheat bread instead of white. But that's it. Everything else was those old bad habits... they came back SO EASY AND SO FAST!!!!

At this rate, I would gain ALL of my weight back in 8 more weeks. 11 months worth of work can be gone in 10 weeks.... That is so scary. It is so scary that I have gained 8.2 pounds back. In only 2 weeks. Holy Crap.

I have to make sure this doesn't happen. And even though I'm determined now, tomorrow I might wake up and feel totally different. I have had a really bad time with being depressed, mostly I have been having CRAZY bad mood swings. I HAVE to make sure I stick to this no matter how bad my mood swings are. I really thing blogging is going to help though. Maybe if I would have had my computer the mood swings wouldn't have beens so bad, maybe I wouldn't have gone so far off track... maybe not at all!
Or maybe I would have gained anyway... would have ranted and wrote through my moods and you would all think I am completely insane!!!! (if you don't already lol) I really do think it's the first one though :)

SO, here's the plan.
BLOG EVERY DAY even before I lost the computer, I hadn't been blogging everyday. I think I was on a slow down hill slope... loosing the computer just gave me an extra shove off the track.
WEIGH IN EVERYDAY ON MY WEIGHT LOSS TRACKER
NO POP
LOTS OF WATER
EAT SMALL PORTIONS
EAT ONLY WHEN HUNGRY
AT LEAST 5 MILES OF TREADMILL PER WEEK (1 MILE PER DAY AT LEAST 5 DAYS) That is my goal, but I have such a hard time staying on the plan when I have days off... I might have to do it everyday.
CRUNCHES: no set amount but at least a few times per week. every other day if possible

So there we go. If I stick to that, I think I will be able to loose the weight and reach my 50 pound goal on New Years Eve.

It will be hard, but I can do it.

My biggest challenges will be: my sweet tooth that I have since Halloween (especially with my coffee). Being really hungry because of how I have stretched my stomach back out! My craving for Peanut Butter toast... I don't know what is up with that. I just want it all the time (like when I was pregnant) But I will be careful, and I can get over these hurdles :) And no, I'm not pregnant!

Ok, so here's the run down of my first day back:

Coffee: 105
3 tbs hazel nut liquid creamer
Lunch: 1200?
2 1/2 plates of various yumminess, water
Iced coffee: 140
Large glass with ice and 4 tbs hazelnut liquid creamer
Dinner: 210
1 cup Campbell's Chunky Soup- Vegetable Beef with white and wild rice, lean meat. 1 slice whole wheat bread. water
Snack: 190
Honey Peanut butter/1/2 tbs country crock whole wheat toast. water
Total Water: 37 oz
Total Calories: 1845? (645 plus lunch)

Treadmill: 26 minutes/ 1 mile. Incline 2. 2LB weights for 9 minutes
I was sweating like crazy! But I can do it, and I WILL! :)

I fell off the wagon. HARD.
I fell off, got trampled by a horse, rolled down the embankment, and landed in a mud puddle... But I got up. I'm muddy, but I can't concentrate on that... I can't let the mud, or anything that happens weigh me down... I have to climb back up to the road, and get back on that wagon and continue on my journey...
So here I go!

I'm Back! Time for Weigh Ins...

2010-11-12T17:37:00.000-05:00

Ugh... Let's get this over with...

Missed Weigh Day: October 5th
The scale said...

282.8

That is a gain of 4.2 pounds.

That made my total loss 37.2 pounds

NO Treadmill, No Crunches

Today's Weigh In:

The scale says...

286.8

Yes, you read that right.

That is a gain of 4 pounds

That makes my Total Loss 33.2 pounds

Total Treadmill: 30 minutes/ 1.02 miles

0 Crunches

So that means in these 2 weeks I have been away, I have GAINED 8.2 pounds. I haven't been this weight since June 12th, so it's like 5 months of work wasted.

I can't believe how fast I gained back 8.2 pounds... 8.2 pounds that took over 5 months for me to loose! WTF!

I feel like I'm right back where I started. All those bad habits came back so fast... so EASY...

I can't put into words how disappointed I am in myself... but I spent all week feeling it...

Thinking about it or beating myself up isn't going to help me at all. I know that.

So today I start again.

Being honest, I really don't feel that great or motivated... but I'm not hungry either... hopefully it will all fall back into place.

I know I have a LOT of work to do. Especially if I want to make that goal of loosing 50 pounds this year!!! I only have 7 weeks left to lose 16.8 pounds... That is 2.4 pounds per week!

As you know, since summer started I have struggled to loose any weight. I mean, it took me over 5 months to lose these last 8 pounds!!! And to lose DOUBLE that in 7 weeks... It's going to be work. HARD WORK.

But I am going to do my best! I really do think that if I watch what I'm eating (or more important how much) and get on the treadmill everyday, I will be able to do it.

Ok... now I feel a little more motivated :)

I also feel kind of funny, like I have a fever :( I hope I'm not getting sick, that is the LAST thing I need right now...

I have to go update my tracker, and my weight chart. Have to take care of other internet stuff I have neglected for 2 weeks, check email ect. I will write a post tonight if I can, otherwise I will see you in the morning for some... reflecting...

Most important is that I get back to writing down everything I eat. So I'll be back with that as well.

Thank you again to everyone who cares :) It really means a lot that you would check on me, and make me feel like I was actually missed. I'm sorry I was gone, but that really is a good feeling to come back to!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!

See you later!

b back soon...

2010-11-10T18:47:00.000-05:00

hello blogland!!!

i'll let u know i have been doing horrible. with depression, food, exercise, all of it. of course i am doing ok at this second or i wouldn't b here. wouldn't b able to take the time or energy it takes to do a quick sentence without a computer!

but i wanted 2 update u who support me because it means so much to me. and prepare u. its not gonna b pretty... even i am shocked at how fast and hard i have fallen.

the good news, i have caught up on all of your blogs... could only comment on afew...sorry about that :(
also, iwill have my computer friday!!!! cant wait!!! so i will c u then. goodnight.

still here!!!

2010-11-08T05:10:00.000-05:00

i am still here!
thank u for checking in on me!
no computer at all for over a week now! sadface...
just figured out right now, that i can use the ps3 though! but this is not easy lol.

did baaad last week, and gained. like 4 pounds :( no treadmill aaattt alll. mood, not good...
BUT back on it today! Back 2 weighing everyday 2. hopefully i can access my weight loss tracker!

ugh,
this sucks lol.
if i can't get the computer fixed in the next couple days, i'll b @ the library 2 give u a proper post k!!!!
At least I can catch up on reading your blogs though!!! probably no comments though, this has taken me 15 minutes! lol

be back soon! will post daily weight on tracker, if this lets me!

thanks again!!! i miss u alll! i'm off 2 catch up :)

R U Going to Party This Halloween???

2010-10-29T18:26:00.002-04:00

Well if you are, BE CAREFUL!

You don't want to end up like this:

HaHa!

Have a Safe and Happy Weekend Everybody!!!!

I did NOT take this picture, got in in an email a couple years ago and saved it :)

Weigh Day

2010-10-29T18:12:00.001-04:00

And the scale says...

278.6

A loss of 1.2 pounds this week

That makes my Total Loss 41.4 pounds

To be back in the green,

I have to loose .6 pounds this week. I can do that!

My Totals are pathetic...

Treadmill: 2 days

30 minutes/1.13 miles this week

Crunches: 2 days/ 185 Total

One of those weeks where I can't figure out how I lost ANY weight... but not having the car really cut down on my snacking... so that's a good thing. We have all the food we need in the house, just not much junk food lol, which worked out very good this week. I also did more housework. So even though I didn't do well on the treadmill I lost anyway- So I am HAPPY! Now this week I have to be careful with the snacking again, AND do the treadmill :)

As you know, my goal now is to be able to say "I LOST 50 POUNDS IN 2010" and to do that I had to loose .98 pounds per week until New Years. So loosing 1.2 puts me ahead already :) YEAH.

I think I'll go back to writing about my day and what I ate, the next morning. That was working out well for me. So I'll see you in the morning! Have a great night!

Catch Up

2010-10-29T03:23:00.003-04:00

First let me thank Ellie Great for being my newest "follower." Thank you for joining me in My Day! :)

I'm sorry I've been MIA for the last few days... I really don't know what it is lately, I have just been tired I guess. I haven't felt like blogging at all. I don't know why. I know blogging has helped me tremendously, so I'm not going to quit... I just needed a little break I guess? No matter what, I will always be here for my Friday weigh in :)
I would like to get back to blogging everyday. At least write what I ate... For some reason, once I stop doing something it is SO hard for me to start up again. I've been... off... for the last 2 weeks, and haven't been blogging daily. Haven't been getting on the treadmill daily either...

The Food:
I HAVE been keeping track of everything I eat though, just like before. It's all written down, so that's good. I thought I did bad this week, but looking back I really didn't! Instead of writing everything from everyday, here is a summary:
I was VERY hungry for some reason a lot of this week. BUT I didn't snack to much. When I did it was cereal or almonds.
I had a 'open sandwich' on Monday! That cut 80 calories, so that's cool. I have to admit it wasn't on purpose, I burnt one piece of toast lol. But maybe I'll do it more often (have one piece, NOT burn it!)
I did have 3 slices of pizza on Tuesday :(
On Wednesday I had lunch and was still hungry, after about 1/2 hour I had ANOTHER sandwich... I havent had 2 sandwiches since before 1/1/10... It's what I wanted though... and then I was satisfied so I guess I'm not mad about it... But I'm not going to do it again any time soon either.
I had 2 cups of coffee on 2 days. I guess because I was tired, also because I was COLD... Not sure if it's a good habit though... especially since I have also taken 2 naps, and am up at 3am ;)
I had some veggies this week, but NO fruit...
I think that's about it as far as food, nothing else out of the ordinary. I did ok this week :)
OH! WAIT!!! Halloween is in 2 days, and there is NO Halloween candy in the house. That is a FIRST. I'm proud of myself... but it's mostly because of not having a car lol ;) But in the past I would have found a way to get it, believe me! Ray will be bringing some home tomorrow though, so I'll just have to be careful...

Life:
In other news, I have been STRESSED about the car. But now it is finally almost over. It has been towed and should be done tomorrow! And I'll have a car back! You know I hate driving, but I hate not having a car worse!

It was BEAUTIFUL here in the beginning of the week, got to 74 (just 2 days after I told you it was 40 and my heat was on.) Then it got cold again, we had a tornado warning on Tuesday. We have had more tornado warnings this year than in the last 10 years combined I bet!!! I don't EVER remember a tornado warning during the school year. EVER. A lot of schools were closed, I don't know why my sons wasn't. So, since I don't have a car and didn't want him walking in it, I kept him home. He was happy :) We had a wind advisory all the next day. Today it was cold and rainy and I felt so bad he had to walk in it :( Hopefully those days are done!

All that I did to get rid of the fleas worked very well... for about 4 days. Now today they are worse than ever in the basement... I just don't understand! Getting MORE spray for the cats, and another 'fogger' for the basement in the morning. They are TINY, so I'm hoping they just hatched, and they will all be gone in the morning before they can lay eggs??? The stupid thing says it works for 7 months... I guess they meant 4 days when they wrote that. UGH! Going to have to buy some more Frontline, because it seems to be the only thing that REALLY works. I can't find it anywhere, will have to order it online. It is expensive, but we must have spent over $150 already trying to get rid of the fleas! They have some cheaper version of it on now, but obviously it doesn't work. The spray works but only for about 2 days... So I'll spray them every 2 days if I have to until I get the frontline, powder the carpets up here and bomb the basement once a week I guess! They don't bother us, and don't seem to be up here, but want to make sure to get them all. UGH... I'm sick of this.

I only got on the treadmill twice this week. :(

The kid has been slacking on his school work these last couple weeks. I tire fast of repeating myself, and will not be yelling at him about it everyday. That's just to much stress, so I made it clear today that if he brings home any grade less than a B- on his report card, he will be grounded from video games for the WHOLE marking period. 9 weeks without Xbox or Wii??? He will feel like I am the most horrible parent EVER lol. BUT he will also make sure his school work comes first from now on won't he.

Good news?
I have been doing more house work than usual :) That hasn't seemed to help my mood... but I'm sure it would be even worse if the house was trashed ;) Housework is exercise too, so even though I haven't been on the treadmill much- that has helped some. I bet if I had been on the treadmill all week my mood would be better!

Also walked to get my mail a couple times this week. Something I never do, but have to becasue of the car problems. I should make it habit anyway.

K, that's all for now. It's after 3am, Ray's up for work and wondering what the hell I'm doing :) I have been doing really good getting to bed at a good time except for tonight though!

See you in the morning for the weigh in! I was down today, but I also went back to bed and slept in REALLY late. So I hope I'm still down tomorrow!
Goodnight :)

Blogger vs. 'Mike and Molly'

2010-10-29T01:08:00.001-04:00

I happen to LOVE Mike and Molly. I have watched since it started, and though a little corny and predictable, I think it is such a funny show. It always makes me laugh, and sometimes makes me say "awww" when I see their puppy love :) (no they are not married as the woman on here said) I really do love this show.

BUT Maura Kelly from marie claire doesn't. In fact, she can't stand overweight people, and marie claire lets her write hurtful things about them as seen here:
Blogger vs. 'Mike and Molly' Featured Videos Comcast.net

If for some reason you can't see the video, it says she wrote that: it would make her sick to watch two people with rolls kissing each other... and that she can't stand watching a fat person even walking across the room... ect.
I happened to run into another article from marie claire earlier this month, from other blogs. It seems they don't have very good judgement about what they post... I'll be emailing them, and Ms Kelly to give them my two cents on it. You can too if you want ;)

I am guessing Ms. Kelly is a very unhappy person, to be writing things like this. Maybe she is jealous of the happiness these 2 over weight people were able to find? (Even though they are fictional) Maybe she herself can't find it? I don't know, all I know is that I am not angry, I pity her. She seems like a miserable human being.

I Weigh More Than...

2010-10-25T10:14:00.022-04:00

As I mentioned in the last post, we had an unexpected fight night over at Ray's Mom's. If you haven't seen the fight, turn back now! You've officially had your Spoil Alert! :)

So as you know, my family love us some UFC. We have even got Ray's family into it. So anyway, we went over there and watched UFC 121 Saturday night. There was something I realized when I got there, that made it a little hard to enjoy them, but I won't go into that now.
But I DID enjoy them. They were great. What made it fun also, is that it was SOO hyped up that if Cain Velasquez won, he would be the first Mexican Heavy Weight Champion. Now, for me I don't care what race the fighters are. I pick my fighters based on ability, work ethic and attitude. Ray is usually like that too. BUT not this time lol. Oh no, it's all about brown pride on this night! LOL, they all really wanted Cain to win, and make Mexico proud :) So naturally I picked Brock, because he's a BEAST and it's also fun to be routing for the other guy sometimes lol. I like both fighters, but thought Brock would win for sure.
Anyway, it was a GREAT card, with lots of good fights. The main event came, and Cain ended up winning. OMG you should have seen them on there feet and cheering, even Ray's mom. It was pretty funny. So Cain won. He's a big guy, weighing in at 244...
BUT if you are an MMA fan, you probably know who Brock Lesnar is. If not, here:

Do you see him? He is HUGE. He is a fricken TANK. Which brings me to my title... Brock Lesnar weighed in at 264 pounds. Now he doesn't weigh that at the fight, or walk around at that weight, probably more like 285. BUT, the point is... I weighed over 279 pounds on Friday. He weighed in at 264... That is fricken crazy. I weigh MORE than a UFC heavy weight champion. The biggest fighter they have seen in a long time...
Do you understand the gravity of the situation?

I WEIGH MORE THAN THIS GUY!

In fact, I weigh more than ANY heavy weight in the UFC. The weight class is 206-265... I don't even qualify!!! I AM TO HEAVY TO BE A HEAVY WEIGHT... AND I've lost 40 pounds! That is fucking nuts!!! How did I let it get this bad??? (I don't look back and think about that often, but man- stuff like this really puts it into perspective...)

Of course I don't let this ruin fights for me, but when the weights comes up, it's something I ALWAYS notice. Next time he fights I want to weigh LESS than him. I do not want to weigh more than Brock Lesnar ANYMORE! I want to be in the Heavy Weight Division... as CRAZY as that sounds!!!

*I did not take these pics, totally stole them off the internet ;)

My Weekend... Bleh

2010-10-25T03:08:00.000-04:00

The Food
Oh the weekend... always so hard for me as far as eating.
I was doing SO well Saturday, and then we got invited over to Ray's Mom's at the last minute for UFC 121. Well... I didn't hear the conversation, so I don't know if it was really her idea or Ray's haha.
Anyway, she bought taco bell for dinner on the way there (she had to come get us since we have no car at the moment) and I got a cheesy gordita crunch, and a nacho bell grande. Even with that, my calories were under 2000 for the day I'm sure. BUT then her neighbor comes over and brings chicken he made... I didn't even want any, but he kept telling us to go have some and I really didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I didn't have any... then Ray's mom made spanish rice to go with it and as it got later, I couldn't resist AND I was hungry by then. So I had one small chicken leg and about 1 cup of rice. SO GOOD. Then I had a can of cherry 7up. First time I had pop in a while, but only one can and I'm not craving it or anything now. We didn't get home until after 1am, and I was hungry again... the rest of the night I could deal with, but what I did next was unacceptable! I had a tamale, chips, and more rice (yep she sent all this home with us). Ugh!
Oh well, today is a new day...
So today I got up really late, and had a headache. I wasn't hungry for most of the day. Here's what I ate:
Coffee: 35
Lunch: 205
Coffee and a Fit&Active Meal Bar
Snack: 23
Werther's
Dinner: 1000?
Ordered Out: Wet tostada and chips and cheese with taco meat, toamto, salsa, and sour cream
Snack: 103
1 cup milk and 1 Werther's
Total Water: 46 oz (all from dinner on)
Total Calories: 1365? (366+ dinner)
Yeah... so I would normaly be happy with those calories, I mean that's way down for me! BUT that's not how I want to do it... coffee and take out? It's not exactly fast food, it's this family owned place down the street (which has lost a lot of buisness becasue of me this year! I swear to you, Me and Ray used to order from them 2 or 3 times a week!!!) but it's still take out, it's still greasier meat than I would use at home, FOR SURE not my lean meat. So I'm not happy with it... I'm not going to let it bother me though, It's done, and all the housework and exercise I got this weekend should even it out anyway... but this week will bring better food choices then the weekend :)

The Exercise
Saturday I did laundry, and brought it to the laundry mat to dry, and walked to the store from the laundromat (not far, but I could have had my mom drive me) and walked to check my mail. I didn't do the treadmill, because we had left and didn't get home till after 1. Just another reason I have to do it early!!!!
Sunday I did a lot around the house. A LOT. I'm not the best housekeeper, but I am doing really good latley, and that always helps my mood :) I also did the Treadmill: 20 minutes/.78 miles, Incline 1. I still want to do 5 miles per week, so right now I'm behind. I will have to do a mile per day, and 1.22 miles on one of them. That's fine :)

This week will be a good one :) I have my goal in mind, and will do great.
The End

NEW!!!!!!! :)

2010-10-23T10:22:00.000-04:00

Well, the first NEW, is a new follower!
I missed her last post, but now would like to say: Thank you Ioana Atichison for joining me in My Day!

The other NEW, is a NEW GOAL!
After I posted a while ago, I wasn't in the best mood... but now I am :) I got out my calendar and decided I am setting a goal. I want to be able to say I lost 50 pounds this year. Yep, the big FIVE-O. (secretly I would love to say I lost 60... but the way I've been going, I don't want to set myself up for disappointment)

SO, New Years Eve is exactly 10 weeks away from yesterday's weigh in. That means I have 10 weeks to loose 9.8 pounds. That's only .98 per week! I CAN DO THAT! I might be able to do even MORE than that!!!
So that is my goal. To say I lost 50 pounds in 2010. I went to my Weight Loss Tracker and set my new goal.
And even though the holidays are coming up, I am confident I can do it. I am actually excited about it! Woo Hoo!!!

Do any of you have a year end goal??? I would love to hear it :) We have 10 weeks left!

This is going to be the FIRST time EVER that I actually stuck to my New Year's Resolution lol :) It's going to be awesome!

Friday Weigh In and Catch Up

2010-10-23T09:15:00.000-04:00

And the scale says...

279.8

That is a gain of .6 pounds

Making my Total loss 40.2 pounds

My Treadmill Totals for the week:

46 minutes/ 1.79 miles

I know... pathetic

It might sound crazy, but I'm ok with that. Except for last Saturday, I did really well this week. I wasn't very hungry at all, didn't snack much, and I think I did good. Thursday night I did end up snacking on a few things... maybe it would have been a loss if I hadn't done that... No fast food (until last night, after weigh in Ray and I had pizza). I only got on the treadmill 3 days... last day being Monday! So that's not good. Over all I did ok.

One thing I didn't do, is use my grief as an excuse to binge all week. So I think it shows I have made a lot of improvement since I started. I honestly thought about it, but I know Margie M wouldn't want me to. Instead I wasn't even hungry most of the time, so I'm thankful for that.

I haven't done my own blog since finding out about her... to be honest I haven't wanted to. I thought about not doing if anymore... but I do think it's helped me a lot. I have kept up with all the blogs I follow and tried to leave comments. Even if I haven't commented lately, I'm still reading :)

On top of not wanting to write, I just couldn't really think of anything else this week besides Margie and Bruce and what happened. It's still hard for me to believe and accept.

Margie's daughter has been so kind in keeping us updated even in her time of grief. I'm sure she'll never fully know how much we all appreciate it. Her last post was to let us all know they are back home safe, with the RV and Bruce and Margie's little dog. She does the posts on Margie M's other blog found here: http://www.bruceandmargiesfulltimejourney.blogspot.com/ It's so incredibly kind of her to think about their followers and blogland friends.

A new week:

I did have 3 slices of pizza last night, which I know isn't good. But I am not mad about it, I hadn't ate much at all yesterday, and I know I will have a great week anyway. I'm not going to let that get me down, and I'm not going to take until Tuesday to get back on track, I'm back on track right now.

I started off on a good note and did Crunches yesterday. 5 sets of 20. I'm going to really try and make crunches habit along with treadmill. Maybe every other day for the crunches? Or whenever my belly isn't feeling over worked? I like the 5 mile a week goal for the treadmill, so I'm going with that. Also allowing myself ONE day off without feeling bad about it. Which was yesterday. I'm also going to keep weighing myself over at the weight loss tracker. I haven't for a few days, but back to daily now. I think it helps.

Not much new with me. Finally gave in and had to turn the heat on yesterday. It was 40 and I was cold.

The car still isn't fixed.

The Internet is slow- but at least it's working. All of a sudden we have cable (we already pay for basic, which is only up to 31 and none of the kids channels or good stuff) so that's cool. It's missing a few like my court tv, but that's ok lol. I figure it won't last long, I don't even know why we have it. They owe it to us anyway with how expensive they are and how shitty the service is... so whatever.

I had my family over for dinner Wednesday. I never see them anymore, except when I get my brother to give me a ride lately. They didn't stay long. I know it's because I don't allow weed in my house anymore... and a whole hour is a long time to be without (rolling my eyes) but it was nice to see them. The middle brother couldn't make it, he's pretty busy with work and some more schooling.

I have been going to bed at a decent time every night (except Thursday, probably why I snacked) and last night was at 10:30. I was up at 7 this morning when I COULD be sleeping in! Ray is at work, and my son is... gone! He actually spent the night at a friends house last night! He's 12 and this is the first time he has done that. He used to stay sometimes with his cousin at my Grandma's, but she disowned everybody about 3? years ago. (story for another time) He used to stay at my Mom's (my brother's) sometimes, but not since I put my foot down and said he's not allowed over there anymore... so it's been a while since he's stayed the night anywhere. Ray is more nervous, but I am happy :) He is such a shy kid, and being an only child he just has us all the time. Which I love, but I worry about him. He's perfectly happy just hanging out with us or playing video games by himself, but I always wish he had friends, or would go outside and play... I was SO worried about him starting middle school, but it seems like he likes it. This year is going well for him so far, and he seems like he's getting more social and now he actually went to a friends house! :) So yeah, I'm happy about it.

I think that's about it. I am getting pretty sick of not having a car. My brother said he would take me to the laundromat today, but he probably forgot. I don't want to go today, since it will probably be crowded on the weekend... but it's his day off. So I'll call around noon and wake him up to remind him. He only works part time, but can't be bothered to get up before 1pm on days he works... ugh. You know last winter when they didn't have a car, I was taking him AND his girlfriend to and from their jobs, AND where ever else anyone over there needed to go. In the snow. I had to go get her from work at 11:30 at night, ON TOP of bringing Ray at 4am. They would even wait till the last minute sometimes and call "Katie needs to be to work in an hour." After telling me she didn't need a ride... Did I complain??? NOPE. But now that I don't have a car, no one even asks if I need anything. Not ONCE. Even though I have a child, and groceries don't grow out of my ass. Even though I brought them all everywhere. Even though they have 2 vehicles, between the 4 people, 3 of which don't work... Ray's Mom is the one that asks if we need anything. Ray's Mom who works full time, and lives across town. She's the one who brings Ray to work at 4am. Ugh... I could go on, but I guess I shouldn't. No use thinking about it, it only pisses me off.

Anyway, today might suck... it sounds like it's raining out too. BUT once laundry is done it will be good. I just wish I could get it over with... I'm sure he won't get here till about 3. Bleh.

Anyway, I'll try and get back to posting like normal.

I hope everyone has a good day. And I will try my best to also :)

We Have Lost A Wonderful Woman (part 2)

2010-10-19T09:36:00.001-04:00

I still sit here. I stopped crying and I started to think that there is no way this is real. I'm always like that I guess, Believe it when I see it.
Well, I'm so sorry to say that I see it:

Suspect in Pismo Beach crash out on bail - Local - SanLuisObispo.com

Out of all the places in the whole country, that they could have been at that moment...
It is so unbelievable :(
I just can't understand it.

We Have Lost A Wonderful Woman

2010-10-19T09:08:00.001-04:00

I just woke up, internets on, came to check on my blog.

I was mildly annoyed that someone would write something so horrible on my last post about Margie M, and was going to write some things to this person... but decided I better check, JUST in case. Actually, I went to check to see if she posted today so I could be a smart ass, and write something about how she's still posting...

I went to Margie M's blog, and nothing out of the ordinary. She hasn't posted everyday lately...
But then I decided to check her other blog, that I don't read very often. And this is what I found:
http://bruceandmargiesfulltimejourney.blogspot.com/2010/10/from-her-family.html

It says that Margie and her husband Bruce were killed. Taking their daily walk.

I have been sitting here crying for 10 minutes now. I feel so overwhelmed with grief.
I can't imagine how her family must be feeling, to loose such a wonderful woman. And of course her husband also, from what she wrote he was also a beautiful person. If you are the praying type, please keep their family in your prayers. I know they leave behind 2 grandchildren that they loved with all their heart... and she wrote about often.

I keep thinking this is some kind of hoax. But she wrote everyday on that blog, so I don't see how it could be...

I just don't understand.
She changed her life for the better, was doing her best to be healthy and keep the weight off to beat the statistics. That's why they walked daily, and for this to happen... I just don't understand... and it is so senseless. if it happened how this says, it is murder... I just can't believe this... how could this have happened??? I don't understand...

She has helped me so much. I feel so blessed to have "known" her.
I hope her daughter keeps her blog up, because it can still help so many.

Again, please keep the family in your thoughts, especially those "Grands."
As heartbroken as I feel,
I know it must be unbearable for her family.

Brought to You by Margie M, and The Letter B

2010-10-17T21:02:00.000-04:00

Here is a great post by Margie M that I had to share.
Enjoy!
http://myhealthylivingthruweightcontrol.blogspot.com/2010/10/brought-to-you-by-letter-b.html

COMCAST SUCKS

2010-10-17T19:38:00.002-04:00

Internet only working when it wants to again. It has shut off while I'm in the middle of something about 5 times on me today. Bleh. At least it wasn't anything super important!

So I'll quick catch up and then try and read some blogs before it goes out again!

Yesterday... well yesterday sucked.
I woke up just like Thursday with a horrible head ache and felt sick half the day. It's also that time of the month now... and maybe that's been the problem all along? But I usually don't get sick like that...
I did pretty crappy. I had a crappy day, and snacked to much. I did watch the portions, but had snacks to often again. chips and salsa con queso, sunchips, and 3 doughnut holes.
It was a stressful day. Flea "fogged" the basement. Then had to air out the house, and it was pretty cold. Didn't want to cook while airing it out, so we ordered pizza. To me, that would be a fine excuse lol- BUT we just had pizza the other day, so it kind of ruins it. I had 4 small pieces.
I am not doing well with the pizza, and we can't afford it anyway!!! I am going to have a serious talk with Ray, and we are NOT ordering anymore for a while. And if something comes up, and we have it somewhere else or something? One slice, two at the MOST.

Surprisingly, I was down a little to 279 for my daily weigh in, and that helped my mood. I'm being careful not to let it effect my mood negatively when it's a little gain, because I know daily fluctuation is normal :) But it does help when it's down!
So now the weekend munchies are over. AND I set a new goal for Friday on my Weight Loss Tracker. When I had a goal last time, I did SO good. So I set this one for just below my low weight of 278. 277.9 I think. So I have about 4 days to loose 1.1 pounds. Plus today, I think I can do it! Especially if I keep up with the treadmill, and my new goal of at least 5 miles per week.

I didn't do treadmill yesterday, I may be paranoid, but I tough I could smell the fogger... and I didn't want to be breathing heavy in it. But I'll be on it tonight for sure!

Hopefully I'll be back tomorrow to fill you in on my eating and treadmill time for today. If not it's because the internet does what it wants :(
They are coming out AGAIN tomorrow, and it will probably be fine while they are here AGAIN. So nothing will be done. If you ask me, it's other people cutting into my cable line in this building. I live in a townhouse, and there are 7 other basements the cable lines go through. I may be the only one paying for cable, and others are just cutting into my line. Comcast doesn't care though, they suck.

How about a list of good things hmm?

Today I learned how to light the pilot light on my water heater. (had to turn it off for the fogger)
The flea problem is OVER! (I hope!)
I feel good, my mood and other :)
I have my son and Ray, who love me and make my life complete! Along with my kitties of course :) Who are doing much better today.

Have a great night everybody!

Uses for Aluminum Foil

2010-10-16T12:45:00.000-04:00

Wrinkle Remover RealSimple.com: New Uses for Aluminum Foill Comcast.net

Friday Weigh In, Turkey Burgers, and Cat Trouble

2010-10-16T01:02:00.001-04:00

OMGoodness. This turned into a long and rambling post lol. Feel free to just skim it!

And the scale says...

279.2

That is a gain of 1.2 pounds.

Making my Total Weight Lost: 40.8 pounds

Treadmill Totals for the week:

2 hours 15 minutes and

5.26 miles :)

If it weren't for the treadmill (and being sick yesterday) I'm sure the gain would have been more, with the way I was eating last week. I think 5 miles is a good number to shoot for each week, and I will do my best!

As far as food, I feel much better, but I now want to snack all day! I don't know why, I just feel hungry all day, and even when I'm not- I want to snack anyway!!! Ugh. I think I did ok with it today, I gave in to the snacking- but only had a little bit...

I had a VERY busy day. In the midst of all this chaos, I realized how far I've come when my brother brought me to the store.

A GREAT REALIZATION:

As you know, my car isn't running (and now there is no more talk from ray's Mom about her guy... I have no idea why) and so when my brother brought me grocery shopping, I stocked up! So I got more than usual, trying to cover everything we will need for a while, since I'm not sure when I'll be going again. After I was all done shopping, and putting it all on the belt myself, putting it all back in the cart myself, I felt great! I wasn't tired, I wasn't sweating. I was just fine. It reminded me of a post I did when I first started this, probably in March or late Feb? I remember telling you how I felt bad because after Ray worked all night, he had to come to the store with me. I had recently gotten to the point where I couldn't go grocery shopping by myself if I was getting more than a few things. I was so tired and out of breath that I couldn't do the whole check out thing with out sweating like crazy...

but it's been a few months now, that I don't need any help (he helps me bring it all in when I get home) and today- even with extra stuff, I felt great :) It really reminds my why I am doing this. And that I have come a long way already, and I have to keep going!

Here's what I ate today:

Coffee: 46

Lunch: 404

Turkey sandwich (on whole wheat, with 1 slice pepper jack cheese, lettuce and miracle whip), 6 baby carrots, 1/2 tbs light ranch, water

Snack: 63

5 sunchips

Snack: 148

6 tortilla chips and 1 tbs salsa con queso

Dinner: 770

Turkey Burger (on white bun, slice of pepper jack, lettuce, tiny bit bbq sauce) baked beans, 9 sunchips, 1 cup ff skim milk

Snack: 460

3 doughnut holes, 1 cup apple cider

Total Water: 41 oz

Total Calories: 1891

Wow... and I thought I did pretty good today! I can't believe those tiny doughnut holes are 110 calories EACH!!! And dinner really added up faster than I thought! That's more calories than I thought I had...

TURKEY BURGERS:

It was out first time having turkey burgers. I have to say... I'm not impressed.

I got Jennie-O Lean turkey burger patties 'with no artificial ingredients.' They tasted ok, we seasoned them with ranch seasoning... I definitely I like regular burgers better. The whole reason I got them is because they are supposed to be so much more healthy. But my extra lean ground beef has LESS calories than this! I am pretty surprised! Where my beef is 96% fat free, this is 93%.

I'm looking at the 2 packages right now, and here's the breakdown on a quarter pound of the beef and the turkey...

The turkey has 20 MORE calories, 3.5 grams MORE fat, 1 gram MORE saturated fat, 15 mg MORE cholesterol, 40 mg MORE sodium, 4 grams LESS protein, and 9% LESS Iron... Also, the beef has that little 'heart check' symbol, and is certified by the 'National Heart Association.'

The only good thing I see is that the turkey has 2% Vitamin A and 2% calcium... I need my iron more than those I think...

Maybe I got the wrong thing? I thought that the patties would be the same as if they weren't in patties. (I only got patties cause they were on sale) but maybe they aren't?

I don't know. Do you eat turkey burgers? If so, why?

I have some left, so I would love to know how you eat them! What you season them with and what you use on them... Please! :)

Treadmill: 11 minutes/ .43 mile, Incline 1, with 2 lb weights for 5 minutes

I have a treadmill story. It's the reason I was on it such a short time, and it's NOT a good story. You may leave now if you want, lol.

CAT TROUBLE

I'm on the treadmill and notice my cat is acting weird. I'm watching her and she starts pawing over in the corner by the PS3. Then she paws at the rug in front of the door... "Miya!" I say. She stops and runs off. She comes back and goes about 4 feet away from where I'm walking, and is just staring... What is she looking at? I wonder. As I watch her, I realize she is not just standing there, she is going to the bathroom!!! 4 feet away from me, in plain sight!! I was fricken SHOCKED! So I yell at her, like she's going to answer me, "Miya!!! What are you DOING!?!?!?" I get off the treadmill, grab her by the scruff and go towards the basement. The litter is down there, and I throw her down the stairs! ...

No I didn't, but I was so mad I honestly thought about it! I can't do that though, so I set her down and she runs down in fear. So I get to clean up a HUGE steamy pile of shit on my living room carpet. She must have been holding that for 2 days!!!! WTF!?!?! UGH, I was so mad.

So I didn't get back on the treadmill, but I DID get a work out.

Earlier in the day Ray had told me that he had a couple fleas on his legs in the basement. UGH. So far we haven't been bothered, and haven't seen them in the house. Just on the cats, and know they still have them because of the scratching. But since the litter is down there, and they go to bed down there at night, it must have gotten worse in the last couple days. So before she did her business on the carpet, I had already bought some spray and the neck stuff for them while at the store. After I calmed down, I realized she must have only done that, because there ARE fleas in the basement, and they must be bothering her so bad that she didn't want to go down there. Poor thing :(

So I chased them all down, sprayed them all REAL good with this stuff, chased them all down again to dry them off, and brushed the 3 that I could after that. I was sweating like crazy! Miya was actually really good, I think she was still scared of me and how mad I was. After a minute of rubbing the stuff on her, I told her "It's ok." and she started purring. I know it's because she knew I forgave her, because cats DON'T pure while getting flea treated, trust me lol. But it's all done, and tomorrow morning I will put on the other stuff, that is supposed to last 1 month (WE'LL SEE). And once we get that stuff on them, we are going to flea bomb the basement. Fun Fun I tell ya.

SO keep your fingers crossed for us and the kitties!!! Nothing has worked so far, This HAS to work. I'm SICK of this crap. And I can't stand to see them miserable either of course. They are indoors, I shouldn't even have to deal with this!!! Grrr!

K, I guess I better go now lol. It's way past my bedtime, and I'm not tired, and am HUNGRY. I want chips and salsa con queso, but I think I'll have a small bowl of cereal :)

Goodnight!

Food/Treadmill Post

2010-10-15T23:36:00.000-04:00

Being sick yesterday messed me all up, now I'm behind on posting.
So here's everything I've eaten that I didn't write down the last couple days:

Wednesday:
Breakfast: 226
Coffee and slice of whole wheat peanut butter toast
Lunch: 374
Tuna Sandwich on whole wheat 'sandwich thins' with 6 baby carrots, 1/2 tbs light ranch, 1 pepperoncini, water
Snack: 261
.8 oz Almonds and .9 oz honey roasted almonds
Snack: 23
Werther's
Snack: 210
Romaine Salad with mozz/cheddar cheese, croutons, hot pepper rings, 2 tbs light ranch
Dinner: 455
1 1/2 cup Asian Helper- beef fried rice, milk
Snack: 280
large bowl of cereal (frosted wheat puffs/ rice chex) with ff skim milk
Total Water: 46 oz
Total Calories: 1829
Treadmill: 26 minutes/ 1.02 miles, Incline 1, with 2 lb weights for 5 minutes

Thursday:
Lunch: 330
1 cup left over beef fried rice, 1 cup ff skim milk
Coffee: 46
I lowered it down to 2 tsp coffee mate and 1 tsp sugar and I like it just fine :)
Snack: 190
Cereal (1 cup frosted puffed wheat) w ff skim milk
Dinner: 800?
Wet tostada and chips and cheese (about 10) with taco meat tomatoes and sour cream
Snack: about 200
coffee with some almonds/honey roasted almonds
Total Water: 46 oz
Treadmill: 13 minutes/ .50 mile, Incline 1, with 2 lb weights for 6 minutes
I did NOT want to do it, but knew I was very close to 5 miles this week, and wanted to make that :)

There, that's off my chest, and I can move on! Next is... the weigh in. And I'm sure you can guess by my eating it is a gain!

A Quick Video: Drew Carey

2010-10-14T22:21:00.001-04:00

Drew Carey's Battle of the Bulge Featured Videos Comcast.net

Does that sound familiar? "I could never give up my 'Whatever' "
That's me with pizza huh? Is that you, with any certain food?
I obviously can't stop at just one at this point, and I really do need to just give it up for now :(

Great job Drew!

Fight Night always makes me feel better :)

2010-10-14T20:01:00.002-04:00

Thank you for your kind comments :) I did much better yesterday. I'll be back later to post it all. Right now wanted to quick check in so you know I didn't go back off the deep end :)

Today I did good too, as far as eating. But I woke up with a HORRIBLE head ache. Ray took care of me all day, and I only got off the recliner to use the bathroom and to puke. (tmi? sorry) I felt awful. It was a combination of the migraine, and trying to take medicine in an empty stomach I guess. I ate crackers but that didn't help. I finally felt a little better around 4:30pm and got up and dressed.
I still have a head ache, but it's SOOO much better. I am pretty hungry now, and will have to take care not to over eat!

Bellator starts in a few minutes. It's on Fox Sports, it's MMA fighting. You know we are some MMA nuts, so we were already looking forward to the fights. But now I'm even more exited because I recently found out that one of the weight loss blogs I follow, Mama Page, has son is fighting tonight! How cool is that!!!! Not that I KNOW her lol, but... you know how it is here in blog land :) We don't know each other, but we do right? lol :) So I'll be cheering on Chris Page! I hope that was ok to share Mama Page!!! :)
There is chips and cheese, and I know I'll have some. I just won't have a LOT. And there is pop, but I won't have ANY!!!!!
Have a good night!

I'm back. Looks like I'll be waiting another 3 and a half hours to watch, since Fox Sports has a football game on. Ugh. That's ok, I can wait. maybe I'll drink some coffee hehe. Here's a link if you like MMA http://www.bellator.com/ViewArticle.dbml?DB_OEM_ID=23600&ATCLID=205005986
have a good night!

I don't know WHAT happened...

2010-10-13T01:04:00.000-04:00

Honestly, I don't :(

I really felt GREAT, especially after meeting that goal last week! I felt like I was motivated as much as I was back in January. For the first time in a LONG time.

The weekend wasn't great, but it didn't ruin my mood or my determination.

Monday morning I started off with more BBQ chips. I realized, there weren't many left at all. I finished them. Meaning, I had eaten the WHOLE bag by myself over 3 days. I said to myself: What the hell are you doing?!?! And I did GREAT the rest of the day. I stuck to the plan, did housework, ate a sandwich for lunch on the 'sandwich thins' with baby carrots. Did the treadmill at 1pm which worked out so well! I stayed on it a little longer: 30 minutes/ 1.18 miles, Incline 1 with 2 ob weights for 5 minutes and I felt so good. I really love having it done and out of the way too! I only had ONE cookie. I did good with dinner, eating only one portion. And I snacked on measured out almonds. I got in 51 oz of water! The day was great.
Then... I don't know what happened.
It was 10:30pm, and Ray was hungry... we... ordered pizza. I know I have a pizza problem, but we haven't ordered it in the middle of the night for a snack since before I started this Jan 2010!!! (And even though it was his idea, if I would have said no- he wouldn't have. I was totally all for it.) Medium 12 inch. I had 5 pieces. FIVE. :( I found comfort in the fact they were small... but later? When I was done? I felt like SHIT. I couldn't believe I did that!!!!! 5 pieces of pizza in the middle of the night!?!?!?! OMG!!! I still can't believe I did that.
Today wasn't any better. I was depressed. I'm sure mostly because I had eaten the pizza.
Let me be clear: I didn't eat because I was depressed, I was in a GREAT mood Monday. Even when we ordered it! I honestly don't know why I did it! I sure wasn't hungry... ugh.

So today I was depressed. I went to bed after sending the boy off to school, and I didn't get up till 11:30. I snacked all day. Not a lot at a time, but all through the day. And again, when I wasn't really even hungry. I didn't have lunch, and had a small portion of chicken with red beans and rice for dinner. I didn't want food, because I felt really sick. I had snacked all day on almonds, a trail mix bar, cereal and sun chips... and now I feel sick. I don't get sick often. Hardly EVER. But today I got pains in my stomach, that really hurt. That turned into a sick feeling. Without getting to graphic, I've spent a lot of the evening on the toilet.
That's what I get for filling my body with a bunch of crap.
I am so embarrassed.
I wasn't even going to write at all. I figured I'll come back when I'm feeling better and all will be well. BUT you know me. I would have felt guilty. On top of that, over at Jo's blog yesterday, she happened to ask: What is our responsibility, as bloggers, to our followers? I answered, that the only 'responsibility' I feel I have to my followers is to always be HONEST.
Well, I've always been and always will be. Even though I had a horrible couple days, I HAVE to share that, because it's part of my journey and I can't leave it out just because it sucks. Or because I am so ashamed of it. Which I am.
I'm still feeling depressed, now along with sick to my stomach. BUT I don't want to snack anymore. I don't want to eat ANYTHING. I can't change what I did the last 2 days, but I can do better tomorrow.

I REALLY was feeling so great and so motivated. I just want that back. I'm going to get up tomorrow and do my best. No matter my mood, I won't eat like I did today. I won't eat unless I'm hungry, no mindless snacking. I hope I don't feel sick tomorrow, but if I do it's my own fault!

I did weigh myself for my weight loss tracker, and it wasn't pretty.
I also got on the treadmill during The Biggest Looser. Ugh, I didn't want to. I put it off till the last 15 minutes of the show. My heart wasn't in it and I hated it the whole time. But I did it.
20 minutes/ .77 mile, Incline 1
I think I'm done with The Biggest Looser. I've watched since the beginning, except for one season. But I am having issues with this season, big time. It's not inspiring me this time, but only pissing me off. Which is crazy, I never would have thought I'd stop watching.

Anyway. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

I hope you all are doing well. Better than me at least!

Oh the Weekend...

2010-10-11T09:28:00.001-04:00

First, there is a new face :)
Thank you Sandra for joining me in My Day!!!

I feel like I should put a disclaimer haha :) Right now I feel great, and am back on track for the most part... but it's not always that way. My life isn't all sunshine and rainbows and sometimes my writing reflects that...
but we all have those days right???

I think writing the next morning instead of at night, has really helped me with that though. Take this weekend. If I were to have written Saturday night, it would NOT have been pretty. Let's just say my Mom called, it seems, for no other reason than to make an already stressed out day even worse. THAT would have been a long, pissed off, rambling post- believe that!
BUT she ended up coming over Sunday, and I just let it go and all is well.

Not writing at night gives me a chance to cool down, look at the situations and realize it isn't that big of deal. It could always be worse!

Weekend Food:
I guess I'm going to just sum up the weekend. I have all the food written down (which is an everyday thing now) but we'll just do the short version... just skim the ugly details!!!
It wasn't great.
Friday we ordered pizza, GOOD pizza. I have been doing so well with the fast food- so I didn't feel TO bad, but I should have eaten less. FOR SURE. I ended up with 3 pieces, and they were large...
COOKIES all weekend. They were the best cookies I have ever had, but I actually did ok :) 3 Saturday, 3 Sunday, and a bite of cookie dough Friday... Now the last of them is in a container and will be gone today.
CHIPS! I usually don't even eat potato chips! But we had my brother JJ over and his friend (might as well be my 4th little brother :)) for wraps Saturday. I got some chips at the store, 3 kinds... why? I have no idea. Anyway, I grabbed the bag of BBQ chips and snacked on them Saturday AND Sunday night!!!! RIGHT OUT OF THE BAG. That is NOT a good habit to pick back up. NO MORE of that!!!!!!
I Did get in a lot of water though, and portions were fine except for the pizza!
Been weighing in everyday, and the chips and pizza did show up... But I still feel great. I feel motivated and ready to go, like I did in January when I started!

And I did some treadmill
Friday: 20 minutes/ .76 mile, Incline 1
Saturday: 26 minutes/ 1.03 mile, Incline 1, with 2 LB weights for 5 minutes
Total days in a row was 8
I didn't do it yesterday. I wasn't feeling really good (BBQ chips?) but I really could have. I was more lazy and sluggish than anything else. BUT I've decided to stop counting again. I will be fine if I miss one day a week on the treadmill. My goal is still to do it everyday, but I won't beat myself up over 1 missed day. 6 days a week is still good :) Especially if I step it up a bit!

So that's my weekend.

Step dad worked on the car all week and weekend, and no change. It still doesn't start. I'm only out $40 for that, and whatever I give him for the effort... I guess? The next step is Ray's mom is having it towed across town to her guy. She said she will pay for it... but I heard Ray on the phone yesterday saying he gets paid Friday... so I think we will probably be paying for it. (Which is fine... we were going to pay her back anyway, but were going to wait till income tax time since she offered to pay for it.)
All this wouldn't be so bad if I didn't just spend hundreds on the damn thing!!! And I only had it for a week afterwards and now there is a whole new problem!!!! I'm just hoping her guy can fix it.

The internet seems fine, so that's good! Especially with my growing addiction to FrontierVille!!! (Grrr!!! Thanks a lot Byron!!! lol) I have decided I'm going to have to limit myself. Like right now, I have to be off this computer by 10:00am so I can get housework and things done. Off at 10, no matter what! After housework, if I have time I'm sure I'll be back on lol. But I also am getting on the treadmill at 1pm during my soap, no matter what! lol. We'll see how my plan goes :) I really need to keep up the house better, so I'm going to really try and stick to the plan, everyday would be good :)

Going to be another beautiful day, about 73. I hope you have a great day too!!!!

Weigh Day, Goal Reached!!!

2010-10-08T17:05:00.001-04:00

And the scale says...

278

Wooo Hooo!

That is 3.6 pounds lost this week!

For a Total of 42 pounds lost.

My treadmill stats for the week:
6 days

2 hours and 8 minutes

4.85 miles :)

I am very happy :) I was already happy yesterday though, when I hit my goal. Today I was up a little, when I weighed in the last time it was at 278.2, JUST over my goal of 278. But then my step dad got here, and I didn't eat and was busy. So i weighed in again before I ate, and there it was! 278 on the dot!!! WOOOO HOOOO!!!!

So I'm 'back in the green' or right ON the green anyway :)

I think weighing in every day has helped me stay on track better. Oh I still have a lot to improve on, but I feel better about this week than I have in a long time.

My eating yesterday wasn't great. But it wasn't horrible. We had frozen pizza, and you'll never guess what I did. I was REALLY hungry, and I didn't want to eat 5 pieces. So I stir fried vegetables and seasoned them with Italian seasoning to put on my pizza :) I added a little spaghetti sauce and PILED it on. LOL, Ray thinks I'm crazy haha. But he's eating a lot more veggies lately too! I have to say, I love stir fried veggies now! They don't, but I do :) So I had 1 1/2 pieces of frozen pizza :) Not bad.

I did end up with 3 cookies all together throughout the day... bleh.

My total calories came to 1892

I did my treadmill after midnight last night, so I didn't stay on it as long as I could have. (and I woke Ray up! oops!)

15 minutes/ .52 mile, incline 1

Days in a row: 6

I have to go and take care of some other stuff while the Internet is working, read some blogs, take care of my facebook animals LMAO :) Here's hoping they fix it and I'm not without for to long!!!

So I have no dryer, no car, no cordless phone, no answering machine and now no internet only half the time. But that's ok :) I reached my goal. AND got a medal!!!!! Woo Hoo!!!!! :)

Thank you to anyone who showed support to the ladies I mentioned yesterday :) You guys are great.

OH!

I watched Being John Malkovich on netflicks. Have you seen that movie??? I think it's the weirdest movie I have EVER SEEN! lol. EVER

The way my brother has it set up, we have to watch what is on there. It's a big selection but not the stuff I want to watch!!!! So no I Am Legend :( Or Inception :( I was looking forward to checking them out. There is The Sound of Music, I've mentioned before that it's one of those classics I've never seen and would like to. No one will watch it with me though!!!! lol oh well :) Have to watch it alone I guess!

Sorry if this seems rushed. I know you understand :)

Have a great day!!!!!!!!

Wow. Is this for real?

2010-10-08T00:42:00.004-04:00

I"m up way to late. I JUST got done catching up on my blog roll. I have to say, I'm a little sad.

One blogger, Bee , is having a REALLY tough time. She has lost close to 80 pounds I think, but is now really stressed out. You know I have a problem with eating when I'm stressed, so I really feel for her. She is binging, and even started smoking again. If you have time, would you go give her a little encouragement? I think she really needs it right now. Thanks :)

I'm also a little disgusted...
Another blogger is leaving, because she was bullied so bad that she is going to quit her blog.
How sad is that??? I would send you to her blog as well, but I know she has made up her mind.

I just feel really bad, because I don't know how I would react to something like that. She started her blog to have help, and share her journey... and to be picked on like that is just so unnecessary.

If you don't like someones blog, don't follow it! It's one thing to comment on the blog when you don't agree or just stop following it... But to keep following it, and posting mean things on your own blog about it, links to her blog, things that aren't true, and just plain picking on her... why?

At first I really thought he had a good heart and the best intentions... but I watched it all unfold, and it got pretty ridiculous. I finally did make a comment as to why this person was so hard on others that don't do it his way... and he didn't post my comment. After JUST saying he posts any and all comments. I finally had to quit reading that blog. Partly because he doesn't really post all comments, Mostly because I am so tired of all the negativity, and it just wasn't good for me. Posting bad things about people, and including a link so you can go bully them too??? (Oh not just to this blogger, he does it a LOT.) It's just to much. Especially now that I see he actually used her real name, that she did NOT make public, only told him privately when they were "friends." I just can't understand... it's all just so childish.

You want to know the worst part? This is true, I'm NOT making this up:
Attacking her isn't enough, he actually called on his blogger "friends" to back him up! To stick up for him and join in the bullying! No, I'm not kidding. It's true!!! And What's worse? A few of his followers actually listened to him... I mean, I've heard of being a follower- but holy shit!!!! Now THAT'S what I call a follower!!! Is this high school or what?!?!?!

I'm not going to send you to his blog, I would NOT lower myself to giving you links to go attack someone. That is just plain immature and unnecessary. Just know that this BS is actually going on... it's mind blowing to me!!! It really makes me not want to trust anyone, or give out any real info. To think someone might use it later if they don't agree with my weight loss plan??? WOW. Be careful who you trust!

Some of us struggle, if you don't... GREAT. Be happy, thankful, and PROUD... but don't pick on someone because they are not having an easy time... what's the point? I just don't get it.

I feel bad that she is going. I feel bad that she LET him push her out of blog land. :( I only hope she stays on her journey and accomplishes her goals.

For anyone reading, PLEASE don't let anyone come in between you and your goals, or happiness. You deserve to be happy and no one can take that away from you, unless you LET them.

Bleh.
There's my 2 cents on it lol.
I'm usually pretty laid back here in blog land... usually just watch and don't get involved. But once in a while I just have to get things off my chest. I guess I just can't stand everyone in his corner and no one in hers...
In real life I don't usually have that problem, I say what I think right away. It's got me into trouble a time or two, but it's usually worth it :)

I also read some great posts, about NSVs and accomplishments. Even a song or two lol. Saw some great pictures, you KNOW I love me some pictures :) So it's not all bad!

It's late, and I still have to do the treadmill!!!! I'm not going to make my midnight curfew tonight. That's ok, I'll catch up on some sleep this weekend :) Hope you all had a great day!

If the internet cooperates, I'll see you tomorrow!!!

Internet Trouble

2010-10-07T21:17:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to quick let you know I'm having Internet problems. If I don't show up tomorrow, it's cause I am not able. They are coming out and hopefully fix it. Right now it goes in and out when it wants to.
I may have to cut it off soon anyway, I can't really afford it. BUT I feel like I can't live without it! lol, we'll have to wait and see!
For now, I'll be back soon. AND will still write everything on paper and have it all recorded :) Going to try and catch up on blogs as I am behind in a lot of them!!!!
Have a great night!

I Got a Medal!!!

2010-10-07T13:17:00.001-04:00

WELL.
First I have to tell you, I was very disappointed in myself for my eating yesterday. Oh, it wasn't even close to my worst, but since I have a goal set for Friday- I should have used some self control!!!
I had a plan. It was taco night so I was going to eat VERY light during the day. But that didn't happen. I did only have ONE taco :) That's something to be proud of.

Here's where I was REALLY disappointed. The Cookies.
Yep, I made some of those cookies after school when my son got home. My plan was to bake 8 of them. That way I would be able to have ONE and not see a whole mountain of them all day or anything. Well, I had a bite of cookie dough while making them. I had one, but they were kind of burnt so I made another 8. I had one of those, and they were SOOO delicious! Probably the best cookie I ever had! SO I had another one. Then I put them away and left them alone... until after dinner. Then I had another one... then ANOTHER one. Ugh. I really don't know what happened! SO all together I had 5 1/2 cookies. And these little things are 120 calories EACH. I really thought I would be ok, keeping my goal in mind. But I failed miserably! Ugh.

Here's What I ate yesterday:
Coffee: 61
Breakfast: 450
1 waffle, 2 fried eggs, lite syrup, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 23
Werther's
Snack: 112
1 String cheese with 10 Special K crackers
Lunch: 402
Leftovers- about 1 cup rice, 3/4 cup stir fried veggies, 1 buttered whole wheat toast, 1 cup ff skim milk
Bite: 60
Cookie dough
Snack: 360
1 cookie, then 2 cookies
Dinner: 802
1 'double decker' style taco, 1 cup spanish rice (just white rice with tomatoes, jalapenos and seasoning), 1/2 cup beans, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 240
2 cookies
Total Calories: 2510
Total Water: 54 oz

Knowing how many calories worth I had eaten in cookies, did keep me on the treadmill longer. :)
26 minutes/ 1.02 miles on incline 1, with 2 LB weights for 5 minutes of it
Days in a row: 5

Now today.
I actually had a bad head ache and ended up going right back to bed after sending the boy to school. When I got up at 11am I weighed in right away. I figured it would be a gain for sure. I just hoped I didn't do TOOOO much damage. The numbers popped up: 277.8. What?!?! So I tried again. YEP, 277.8! UNDER 278! I know that sleeping in might have had something to do with that, using the bathroom an extra time or whatever lol. BUT I'm still happy with it. Now all I have to do is keep it off for tomorrows weigh in!
So I went to my Weight Loss Tracker, and put in the numbers for today...

Do you see that???

Here, how about now:

It's a Medal!! For reaching my goal!!!

How cool is THAT!?!?!?! Obviously this just made my whole day :) I am still disappointed with my eating yesterday.Especially having NO control with the cookies, for sure. But yesterday is gone, and I can do great today! I'm just so relieved I didn't screw everything up. AND I reached my goal. The real test is getting to record it here for my Friday weigh in though. So I am going to do well today :) VERY well :)

Car still isn't fixed. I still have a headache.

BUT, it is a beautiful sunny day, might even get to 70! AND... I got a Medal!!!!! Woo Hoo!!! :)

I hope you all have a great day :)

"Biggest Loser" Couple Are Getting Married

2010-10-07T12:24:00.000-04:00

Awww :)

Just sharing a little good news I saw first thing this morning.

"Biggest Loser" Couple Engaged Featured Videos Comcast.net

I Faked It :)

2010-10-06T10:20:00.001-04:00

One thing about posting everything the next morning, is I am getting very forgetful. It makes for a shorter post, so maybe you all are happy about it lol :)
WELL, I remembered stuff, so this is a long one haha!

I completely forgot to tell you about how well I did "Faking It!" When my brother helped me at the laundromat yesterday, he tried his best to force me to go to Burger King with him, as it was right across the street. Do you know how long it's been since I had Burger King? I would have to check, but my guess is about 3 months. He said "You want some Burger King?" I immediately thought of this post from Margie M. "No." I said, which was a lie. I wanted a whopper! He said "You don't like whoppers?" I said "Yeah, but no, I don't need any." He may have thought it was because of money, and he says "They have lots of stuff on that dollar menu." NO thanks I tell him. "Why? Have you eaten yet? What are you going to eat?" He demanded. A sandwich or something when I get home... "Are you sure?" haha, he would not give up! "Yeah I'm sure. I'm trying to stay away from the fast food." SO he finally gave up. He said "Oh, well that's good I guess." haha, which means "Awesome Tina! But now I have to go pig out by myself." haha, I know that's what he meant :)
We even joked about it when we got home. Ray was here and my brother told him how he tried to force me to eat it and gave me the 3rd degree. I said "Yeah, he pretty much shined a flashlight in my face and demanded to know why, and what I would be eating. He tried to drag me out the door..." LOL :)
So yeah, I was proud of myself.
If I hadn't just read that post I think I would have given in and had it! Seriously!!! Thank you Margie M!!!

That was Monday.

Here's what I ate yesterday (Tuesday):
Coffee: 61
Breakfast: 470
1 waffle with Lite Syrup, 1 egg, 1 sausage patty
Lunch: 573
1 1/2 cups left over tuna helper with 3/4 cup peas, 1 cup ff skim milk
Dinner: 410
1 cup rice, 1 cup stir fried veggies (w soy sauce), 1 slice lightly buttered whole wheat toast, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 269
.7 oz almonds, 1.1 oz honey roasted almonds
Snack: 160
1/2 cup cookies and cream ice cream
Total Water: 44 oz
Total Calories: 1943
I did well for breakfast, that story goes a lot like the one with my brother. Ray made breakfast, all I wanted was a waffle and a sausage patty. Then he says he's making eggs even though I didn't want any, I gave in and told him ONE. Then he goes to put in 2 waffles, and I said "I only want ONE." But he did 2 anyway. He gets it done, and made me TWO eggs also. Then he made his toast. I took ONE of everything, and stuck to the plan. SOOOO he ended up with 3 eggs, 1 waffle, 2 pieces of toast and a sausage patty. LOL, maybe now he'll listen to me next time!
I was busy all day, and didn't have any snacks. By dinner I was starving. I over ate, and was full when I was done. Not stuffed, but full.
Later I got the munchies and decided on almonds. I still wanted ice cream, and had some. Only 1/2 cup though. Then I wanted chips! So... I went to bed :)
I am proud of myself but also know there are a few places I could have cut calories here. For sure.

Treadmill: 31 minutes/ 1.15 mile, Incline 1. (Over a mile Woo Hoo!) A Biggest Looser Walk
Days in a Row: 4

I was sure this morning would be a gain, since I snacked late last night. Also because of all the sodium in soy sauce. BUT I'm at 279 :) One more pound to go to hit my goal Friday. I'm also weighing myself earlier than my Friday weigh ins, just so I don't forget I do it as SOON as I get up. So I am confident I will be at 278 Friday :) Woo Hoo!

The car isn't fixed, they worked on it 3 or 4 hours and it didn't work :( They are going to try again today... I'm not sure what will be different, and when I asked I still wasn't sure! The friend is a mechanic, so I figure he knows what he is doing. But I'm not getting my hopes up. I started getting stressed last night, but feel good now. (walking???)
Just keeping that serenity prayer in mind. There's nothing I can do about the car, so I'll concentrate on the things I CAN do. And concentrate on the good :)

Oh!!! Picked up the cookie dough... yes. I said COOKIE DOUGH. I am going to have to be very careful! I feel fine though :) I have my goal in mind and it will keep me on track....
till Friday! Bwah ha ha!!! ... just kidding :) It will be a little harder after Friday, but weighing in every day will hopefully help keep me on track and not eat half the cookies! (AND the other half of raw cookie dough LOL)

Ray just said he is making breakfast again, I'll be good. No matter if he listens or not! :)
Have a great day!

I'm Loosing it!

2010-10-05T12:28:00.002-04:00

Weight of course lol.
But today I'm thinking more along the lines of... MY MIND! :)

If you read at all yesterday, you saw that I'm pretty forgetful these last few days. That's ok though. I HAVE been remembering to weigh in every morning, so far so good.

Here's what I ate yesterday:
Breakfast: 300
large bowl of MultiGrain Cheerios with ff skim milk
Coffee: 61
with 3 tsp hazelnut coffee mate and 1 tsp sugar ( I think I've found how I like it, and will keep it like that for now. Until I get more of that liquid creamer)
Lunch: 305
Tuna Sandwich on whole wheat sandwich thins, and a mindless extra pinch of cheddar (oops) water
Coffee: 61
Snack: 45
1 bite of cookies and cream ice cream
Dinner: 555
Chimichanga (frozen), 10 tortilla chips, 1/4 cup cheese over all, leftover fiesta style frozen veggies mixed with salsa, water
Snack: 196
17 Grapes (94 grams) and 20 Almonds (21 grams)
Total Water: 49 oz
Total Calories: 1550
Those veggies were ok yesterday, but just so... vegetable tasting lol. So today I put salsa in them and they were VERY yummy :) I guess I really didn't need 17 grapes and 20 almonds, but we were watching a movie and I felt like snacking... I'm proud of myself for not just grabbing the chips :)

Yesterday I got in a lot of exercise with all the laundry, and grocery shopping, and still got on the treadmill. I feel it in my back today, but I feel good :) My brother actually went with me to the laundromat! He helped me carry stuff and it seemed to be 10 times easier,that was really nice of him :)
Treadmill : 16 minutes/ .62 miles, Incline 1, 5 minutes with 2 LB weights
Total days in a row: 3

Got lots of laundry done, it's a beautiful day and I feel great.

My step dad's friend is in town and they are working on my car as we speak!!! (er...blog) So I may have my car back! I will be sooo happy, so relieved!!! so wish me luck!!!!!

Have a great day!!!!!

Do you hate your "Old" Self?

2010-10-04T22:57:00.001-04:00

Two other bloggers recommended this post, so I had to check it out.
http://imshrinkingblubeari.blogspot.com/2010/10/old-you.html

I may get stressed out, and I may have issues... but over all I don't hate myself. I have never been one to hate myself, or call myself names. Ever.
But a lot of blogs I read do these things! It makes me feel so bad, seeing how hard some people are on themselves.
This post is about your old self, and your new self. I thought it was a great post. And even though I don't hate my old self, it reminded me to love myself more :)

Oops! I forgot!

2010-10-04T19:15:00.000-04:00

I forgot to record my treadmill time for yesterday!
20 minutes/ .77 mile Incline #1, 2 LB weights for 5 minutes of it.
Days in a row: 2
:)

I guess I'm a little scattered. I just have SO much running through my mind!
Today I go a ride from my Mom to pick up my son for his appointment. He got out of school an hour early for it, we get there and I fill out the paper work... "Ummm... you're appointment isn't until tomorrow." UGH. So I'll have to get a ride again, and he'll have to miss an hour of school again.... Ugh! But at least we'll be in and out since the paper work is done. And it's not far away...

And... You should have seen his smile :)

Daily Weigh In

2010-10-04T09:06:00.000-04:00

I'm still weighing in every morning (2 whole days in a row lol)
As I've mentioned, I'm not going to report it every day here, just every Friday like usual. But I've added a link to my graph if anyone is curios :) It's over there just above my weekly weigh in list.

I am FREEZING!

2010-10-04T08:53:00.004-04:00

BRRRRR!
It's 35 degrees right now, and I'm cold. I feel bad my son has to walk to school in it. Really bad :(
Yesterday was kind of a crap day. Just one of those days I guess. I just feel like... why does everything go wrong ALL the time? I mean, I can see the phone getting fried in some freak electrical thing that didn't effect anything else lol. I can see having the dryer not working and having to go to the laundromat. I can see the car breaking down... but ALL OF IT AT THE SAME TIME? Why? AND after I just fixed the damn car, spending ALL the money we had saved? I don't know, I'm just tired of it, you know?

Also, When the car was out of service a couple weeks ago, no one in my family called once to see if I needed anything. Now that I have been without it again, for a week? Nothing. Do they think I just pull groceries out of my a**?
Ray's Mom has been nice and asking if we need anything, but she works, runs her other kids around, and lives across town. My Mom doesn't, and doesn't, and lives 7 minutes away. Whatever. I had to ask her to bring my son to school for camp and pick him up, which she did. Now today I have to do laundry, I asked my brother if he could bring me to the laundromat, to dry my clothes. He said yes, but I can tell he isn't happy about having to get up before noon (at 11:30am). Whatever. My Mom said she'd come get us later for my sons doc appointment, I'll ask her if she can run me to the store after. I'm sure she'll be fine with that.
It just sucks. I hate having to depend on others. And winter will be here before you know it, I hate my son having to walk to school. I hope we can get the car running soon, but it doesn't really look good. Ugh.

Here's what I ate Yesterday:
Lunch: 630
1 Chicken Wrap, 1/2 cup black beans and rice, water
Snack: 130
Fiber Plus Bar
Dinner: 504
1 cup tuna helper, 1 slice whole wheat toast (plain), 3/4 cup Veggies (fiesta mix, frozen) 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 136
Apple slices (80 grams) 1 tbs peanut butter
Total Water: 33 oz
Total Calories: 1510
Not to bad. I didn't really care for the peanut butter with the apple. But hey, now I know :) Got in some fruits and veggies, so that's good. Not as much water as I would like. I try for at least 40 oz. The more the better.

I'm off to wash about 6 loads of laundry to take to dry. Yuck. The plan is for my brother to come hang out here with Ray, while I use his car and go to the laundromat. What fun.
At least I'll be warmer once I get at it huh? Bleh.

Let's end on a good note: At least it's not raining!!!! :)
And with all this laundry, I'll definitely be getting in exercise today! (laundry is upstairs, washer is in the basement. Up and down 2 flights of stairs all morning for me!)
Oh! I went to bed last night at 10:30!!!!! CRAZY!!! :)

I hope you all have a good day :)

Weighed In, and it's NOT Friday!

2010-10-03T12:29:00.001-04:00

Good Morning!
Yeah, I know it's a little after noon lol. I stayed up watching Men Who Stare at Goats. It had it's funny parts, but over all I didn't think it was great. 3 out of 5? Anyway, I was up pretty late, and slept in until 11:20am.

Weighed in FIRST thing. After using the bathroom of course :) I'm at 279.4 this morning. Nice! 2.2 pounds gone since Friday? Can't ask for better than that! I know it's most likely because I slept all morning. I'm hoping that all the water I drank and smaller portions helped too :) I think weighing in every day is going to help me. Knowing I had to weigh in, made me say NO a lot yesterday. No second chicken wrap, no seconds on dinner, No snacking late last night. BUT I won't let my self get crazy, you can see by my eating that I didn't starve myself- not even close lol. And I know from watching Margie M's daily weigh ins that it goes up and down, and it's normal. So I won't let that bother me, PROMISE! If I start acting obsessed, let me know! I won't be recording my daily weight here, just over at the Weight Loss Tracker

Here's what I ate yesterday:
Snack: 40
1/2 bite sized snickers
Lunch: 645
Ray's Chicken wrap (baked this time not fried, that's a first!), Water
Snack: 200
MultiGrain Cheerios with ff skim milk
Coffee: 84
Dinner: 805
5.7 oz chicken, 2/3 cup of red beans and rice, 1 cup ff skim milk
Total Water: 53 oz
Total Calories: 1774
As I mentioned yesterday, I thought I had done pretty well, until I added up the calories. I knew the wrap was high (even though lower than usual) but I way under estimated dinner. Oh well. I'm fine with 1774.

Treadmill: 20 minutes/ .77 mile Incline on 1, with 2 pound weights for 5 minutes of it
Total days in a row: 1

K, there you have it.
I feel a lot better today about all of it, and being able to see my weight in a graph at the weight loss tracker is helping me I think. I feel more motivated. :) Keeping track of the Days in a row on the treadmill should keep that in check too. I feel good. I set that goal of 278 for Friday and I REALLY want to hit it!!!
It's a beautiful day so far. It says 52 degrees, but it is nice and sunny so from inside the house it looks beautiful anyway lol.
I hope it is where ever you are also! Have a GREAT DAY!

Quick Post

2010-10-02T23:35:00.001-04:00

It's late, and I've decided to do post in the morning, for the day before. That way I will be able to stick with my "Get to bed by midnight" rule. That doesn't go for Saturdays, but I'm tired lol. My brother lost his internet, so transferred his NetFlix account to our Xbox, so me and Ray are going to pick a movie for the night. Don't know how long we'll have Netflix, just till his month runs out. I think he cancelled it today... so maybe the whole month??? :)

I did Ok today. I THOUGHT I did really well, until I added up the calories. I'll do a full post on it tomorrow, but it came to 1774 and while it's not TO bad, I could have done better. I DID get on the treadmill. I'm going to take Marks advise and start counting again. I think that will keep me on track.

I'm also going to weigh in every day. Yep, EVERY day lol. So I can track it in my weight loss tracker (see last post). It is going to be weird!!! We'll see how it goes. It might really help me, or it might make me crazy. I'll be recording it there and recording it weekly here like always.

K, see you in the morning! Have a good night!

Oh, any suggestions on movies we should watch while we take advantage of the Netflix?

I Found Something You Might LIKE!

2010-10-02T16:46:00.003-04:00

I had to quick come and share with you.
I've been following Mark over at Fatophobia for a while now. I never signed up for the weight loss tracker or any thing. I was curious, but I just figured I keep track of all that here. Well, now he also has a place to Share, and I thought I might as well sign up, so I can take advantage of that and comment when I want, ect.
I checked out the Tracker today, and I have to say, it's pretty awesome!
I'm not one to weigh in EVERY day, but it has that option... It also has a food diary option (haven't checked that out yet).
It keeps track of your "target" dates, which I thought was pretty nice too. You know I don't do target weights, but as I said yesterday, I really want to do well this week and get back in the green. I need a jump start to get my ass in gear lol. So I set my target for next Friday (weigh day) and I want to weigh 278 pounds. So we will see!!! You can also set your goal weight, and any other targets. It has a calendar and a chart that keeps track of your weight. I like it :) In fact, I wish I would have signed up earlier! Maybe I will try and weigh in ever day, for just a little while! I'll see if it helps or makes me CRAZY. lol :)
I put in my info, and found out my BMI is 43.6. I was curios, and just never took the time to check it out. That's probably pretty horrible, but at least now I know. And now I will be able to keep track of it.
Oh, and by info- I meant name, email, height, weight, and a user name to go by (TinaM). You don't have to fill out some long form or anything, Or I wouldn't have done it lol! Easy Peasy.
Ok, that's all I wanted. Had to share because I think it's pretty cool. You should check it out!

Thanks Mark!

I'll be back later for your regularly scheduled program :)

Weigh Day... Oh The Horror!!!

2010-10-01T23:13:00.001-04:00

First let me thank 2 new faces! Lanie Painie and Laura W. Thank you so much for joining me in My Day! Maybe I should say THREE new faces, since the picture for Lanie Panie are 2 very cute platypuses! SO cute, I never thought them cute before seeing that picture :)

Alright, now to the weigh in.
It wasn't pretty... so brace yourselves :(
And the scale says....

281.6

That is a Gain of 3.4 pounds this week

and makes my Total Lost 38.4 Pounds

Was on the treadmill only 3 times this week

Making the totals 1 hour 10 minutes

and 2.55 miles

UGH

I knew it would be a gain, but didn't know it would be so much. BUT I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

I know exactly why I gained, eating to much, only walking 3 days instead of 7. Simple. Now I need to fix it.

I got an award the other day from Shielah, and now have 2 new followers... on top of all you that support me already!!! Great reasons to be motivated and get my butt back in gear!!!

Why does it feel so hard?

I really don't know. I have lost motivation, and it's been kind of hard getting it back... Now look at me, back in the 280s. I NEVER wanted to see the 280s EVER EVER again!!! Grrr! I can only be mad at myself. I look at that list on the side of my weigh ins... and I'm the same weight I was 14 weeks ago. I feel like I have wasted 14 weeks, just poured them down the drain!

But it's time to take a deep breath and concentrate on what needs to be done.

Yesterday's Gone, Live for Today.

I have to remember that. I have to remember how good it felt to hit that 40 pounds lost mark, and make sure I do it this week!!! I want out of the 280s! If I put some effort into it, I'll get out of them for good this week. If I really work hard, maybe I can get back in the green by loosing 3.6 pounds. Then I would be at 42 pounds lost, where I was 3 weeks ago! I won't be mad if I don't hit 3.6, but I'm going to try. You know I usually don't set number goals for myself, but this week I am really going to try and hit that number. It WILL be a loss, and I'll do my best to get 3.6 :)

Get on the treadmill EVERY day

Eat Small portions

Get to bed no later than midnight

No fast food

Stop snacking so much

That's not so bad, and I know that's ALL I need to do. I'm not stuck at this weight because of a plateau, I'm stuck because I just haven't been putting in the work! So I should consider myself lucky. I have yet to really hit a plateau, and I see how frustrating that is! I just need to get rededicated. After I hit that 40th day in a row of being on the treadmill, I missed 2 days, but got back on it. I told myself "see, you don't have to do it EVERY day, it's still habit." Well it's been 2 weeks and now I missed FOUR days this week. NOT GOOD. I HAVE to do it EVERY DAY!

Today was pretty stressful, more money problems, and more stress I don't need! BUT before I go to bed, I'm going to concentrate on the good of today, and what made me smile :)

It was a beautiful day :)

Ray made me smile, he always does :)

My son got home from camp! It's so nice to have him home! :)

There, that feels better.

And a new one: Today is the last day I will be in the 280s!!! Damn it!!! :)

I'm pretty tired again tonight, so going to read up on your blogs and then getting to bed! Should be before Midnight, if I'm not done- I'll go anyway!!! :)

Goodnight All!

A Slut... A PIZZA Slut that is!

2010-09-30T23:12:00.000-04:00

Did that get your attention??? ;)
I just wanted to stop in and say Hi :)
I am SOOO tired so I'll keep this short... well shorter lol.
Have had a busy couple days. Baby sat Ray's neice tonight. She's almost 6, and it wore me out.

I drank and had fun last night. Just Ray and I, we took advantage of our son being off at camp :) So we were drunk, even though it was a Wednesday night lol :) It was a good time.
My eating hasn't been great. No excuses, especially for last night... I feel like a drunk... pizza slut!!!
Haha, let me explain:
You know those girls that get wasted, and have sex with people and pretend it was the alcohol? WELL alcohol (in most cases*) "lets" you do what you really want to do, what you feel you shouldn't do but deep down want too... (take Mel Gibson for example) so these girls are just doing what they want to! Blame it on the alcohol all you want honey, but your still just a slut :)
Well that was me last night. I knew I shouldn't order pizza, but I did it anyway. BUT I knew better, and now it's the next day and I could pretend to regret it, and blame it on drinking... but I won't. I gave into what I really wanted... and I'm admitting: I'm just a pizza slut. LOL :)
I hope that cracked you up like it did me. :)
I do regret eating more than 2 slices though. I need to stick to one, 2 at the MOST. I do regret spending the money! But what's done is done, now I just have to make sure it doesn't happen again anytime soon!!!

Weigh day is tomorrow, and I stepped on the scale today. I fully expect a gain for tomorrow. I'm hoping all the water I drank today and small portions will help keep that gain to a small number. It's ok, I did it to myself and will except the numbers. Then move on and do better!

My son gets home tomorrow afternoon. I hope he had a good time!!! I can't wait to see him!

I hope you all have a great night. :)

*Please don't be offended, I'm talking from experience, and what I see on these "reality shows." I'm not talking about girls who get taken advantage of, or really can't control themselves their first time drinking, or things like that! I'm not dumb, I know there are very real cases where this happens. I'm talking about the majority of girls who use drinking as an excuse for thier behavior.

My 5 Words

2010-09-29T11:44:00.001-04:00

The 5 words I picked were for the award in my last post.

I wanted to elaborate on it,

because I thought a lot before settling on one.

Yesterday's Gone, Live for Today

This applies to my weight loss journey,

Because I have tried to think this way,

I no longer have 'start over' days, weeks or months.

That has helped me tremendously,

not throwing away a whole week because I messed up.

It applies to my life too...

I was going to say "Forget Yesterday, live for Today"

but I don't want to forget.

Yesterday is what made me who I am,

and if I forget, I will not be me....

and I will repeat the mistakes of my past.

Again, that goes with my weight loss and my life.

Of course I have days
where thinking of yesterday affects me,

gets me down...

But it's part of my life.

I can't change it,

but I can learn from it.

I think this will be a new motto for me,

of course I won't forget the one I've lived by since I can remember

"It Could Always be Worse"

but I like this new one :)

A Blog With Substance Award

2010-09-29T11:29:00.000-04:00

Well, talk about a nice surprise :)

I have received a blog award!

Thank you so much Sheilah !!!

The rules of the award are:

Sum up your blogging philosophy,

motivation, and experience in 5 words.

Tell who gave the award,

and pass it on to 10 other blogs of substance.

It is so hard for me to pick 10 blogs,

but here are the ones I narrowed it down to:

Carb Tripper

My Bizzy Kitchen

A Smile A Day

My Healthy Living Thru Weight Control

Donut Therapy

My Clouds, My Storms and Multiple Personality Disorder

Scribbling in the Margin

Ann is Livin' Large No More

She's Not Quite Normal; Thank Goodness!

Smaller Fun Pants

These are all definitely blogs of substance!!!!

For my 5 word phrase,

I'm going with:

Yesterday's Gone, Live For Today

Well That's Not Working...

2010-09-28T23:43:00.000-04:00

Not blogging every day is NOT working. I think I NEED to come here and write what I eat... or else I eat to much! Just like a kid huh? If I have no one to answer to, I run umuck!!! A muck??? (I've never used that phrase before in my life lol)
No, it hasn't been THAT bad... but I have been snacking to much, and not the healthiest choices. I feel like I would have done better if I knew I had to come write it down...
Tomorrow I will try and get back into writing every day. It is really hard lately... I follow to many blogs, but I can't give any of them up!!!! What to do what to do....

Tomorrow my baby leaves for camp!!!!!
It is going to be so strange. He used to spend the night with his cousin once in a while, but not for over 2 years now since we don't talk to them anymore. Now that I don't let him go to my mom's, he is HERE all the time lol. Of course I don't mind, but I do wish he had at least one close friend like I did when I was growing up...
But back to the point lol. It is going to be so weird!!! So I'll be up early to make sure all is in order, step dad will come get him in the morning since I don't have a car and he has bags and stuff. Then he's off!!!
I hope he has fun. I'm sure he will. It's the same camp I went to when I was in 6th grade, I went to the same school he does. He should really like it :)

Nothing else new around here.
I've been taking naps during the day, sleeping till noon, so no breakfast. No coffee, probably why I have a head ache right now. I do sleep a lot more when I'm feeling depressed... I just realized that...
Got mad at Ray, but I know it's just me. Being overly sensitive in my time of depression. But for the most part everything has been good. Today while I napped, Ray did the dishes. How sweet is he? I love him so much. I haven't been keeping the house up very well, also something that happens when I start to get depressed... but now that he did that, I feel so guilty! I'm going to get back at it tomorrow for sure. I feel better and having the house clean will only help :)
Haven't heard from my cousin, so I have been trying not to think about all that.

Yesterday I used the incline on the treadmill for the first time. Why the first time you ask? WELL, when I first got the treadmill, I was 20 pounds OVER the weight limit. Having that incline made me afraid it was extra strain on the machine, so I never used it and just kind of forgot about it.
It's only on 1, but I can feel it! It goes up to 10, so that's a number I'll slowly work towards :)

Today I did my Biggest Looser walk while watching... btw, are you watching The Biggest Looser? I have a few issues with it this season...
But anyway,
Treadmill: 30 minutes/ 1.06 miles on incline 1 :)
I haven't gone that long in a while, just worked my way to 20 minutes a day. So it was a work out :)

Have a great night, see you tomorrow!

Better. Thank You :)

2010-09-26T18:22:00.007-04:00

I actually came on to delete that last post. Something I've never done on my blog, but felt I should. The more I thought about it, the more I felt I should keep my pity party to myself, and just post when I feel better. BUT I can't do that with all the support that is there now, how could I delete that? :)

So I'll just let you know that I feel a lot better today. My eating was ok, minus the last 2 cookies. Ray made us breakfast which was nice. I may have over did it a little with that, having 2 eggs and 2 toast when I should have only had one. I did only have one sausage patty. Lunch was rice and stir fried veggies, it was very good.
I have yet to eat dinner or do the treadmill. But I WILL do the treadmill. Through everything yesterday, I was glad about that- and I want to be glad I did it today too.

I still feel like crap. I still feel depressed. But I don't feel angry, at all. I feel so much better today. When I wrote that, I thought it would take days maybe weeks to come out of the fog I was in. I am so thankful that I do feel better today.

Over at Colenic's blog, A Smile a Day, sometimes she has a list of the things that made her smile. I thought of that today, and it really did help me. So lets push all the bad aside, and here are some GOOD things.

My son is going to camp for the first time on Wednesday with school. I am excited, nervous, and counting the days with him :) My step dad stopped today and looked at the car, but mostly to bring him a nice duffel bag with wheels, from my brother to use. :)

The car sputtered Friday when I was done grocery shopping, but it started and got me home. So it is here in the parking lot, instead of at the grocery store with a bunch of food in the back seat!!! :)

I won a $125 Visa gift card from Happy Fun Pants review blog the other day! It will be here in 6 to 10 weeks. I might forget my then, and it will be a huge surprise all over again lol. :)

My cats seem to be better since we put more neck stuff on them, except the little one. I sprayed her with the last of the spray and I think it is working great. I'll just have to buy the spray and use it on all of them once a week till the problem is GONE. A pain but cheaper and worth the hassle :)

I watched the The Abyss episode of Blue Planet with my son today. He loves that stuff, and it really took my mind off everything. Have you ever seen footage of the deep sea abyss??? If not, you should. Truly creepy, but mostly amazing stuff :)

I am addicted to a few facebook games, which may be bad... but it takes my mind off things, I guess it's an escape? Sooo maybe this shouldn't be under the good things at all lol. BUT the cheery music and happy things make me smile :) It's better than turning to food.... or crack... right???? :)

My best friend had her baby :) Her first (and only according to her) and she is beautiful. She called and it was soooo nice to hear from her. . We keep in touch through the Internet, but we never talk on the phone. So that was nice. Even though we are broke, I'll have to find a way to send a little something :)
I'll do another post on this, and get you a picture soon :)

I forgot to mention I saw another old friend in the store about a week and a half ago. She gave me the hardest hug ever :) we only talked a few minutes, but it was really nice :)

I feel even better now that I wrote all this. I may take a little break from my blog so I can keep up with everyone else's, and sort some things out... I still feel pretty drained and a little sick and tired, but wanted to let you know I am better already :)

Thank you everyone for your kind comments. And even with no comments, thank you all who read and visit me in my day.
I started this blog thinking I might not have any followers (I'd hoped you would Tessa! lol) but now I just feel so much love and support. From all of you who have EVER left a comment. Thank you so much :)

Have a great week!!!

Suprise! Another Sh*t Day for Me... oh wait, that's nothing new.

2010-09-26T00:45:00.000-04:00

My luck is back to being bad.

I'll take this time to warn you, this is not a fun post. AT ALL. I'm angry, sick and tired. There is language that may not be suitable for sensitive viewers. I won't blame you at all if you skip this one. It is not my usual self, the one that tries to stay positive and says "It could always be worse." It's that other girl, the one who usually stays away, the one that is sick of being shit on. My Life SUCKS is the main plot point, so please don't read if you don't think it would be good for you.
Believe me, I wish I could skip it!!!

The last few days I tried not to let stress get to me. I concentrated on the good and what I am thankful for. I really thought my luck was changing for the better. I really did. And through the chaos all around me, I was doing my very best to stay positive. I had just spent hundreds on my car, leaving $9.64 in my bank account, but at least my car works right???
WRONG. Now my car won't start at all. Not even with a jump.
As you may know, Ray's work shift starts at 4:00 am. No buses run at that time, and we HATE to ask anyone to bring him, but now we will have to.
It sucks.
I feel like shit.

The cats have fleas again... or still? Spent a bunch of $ on that crap too... and now it seems it didn't even work, we thought it did, but obviously not.
It's time to take some laundry to dry at the mat again, since my piece of shit dryer doesn't work... but my piece of shit car doesn't work.
Summers ending, so all the worthless piece of shit neighbors feel they have to go out and act as ignorant as possible day and night, before it's cold and they will have to be cooped up inside. Trying their best to prove who's more ghetto. Fucking morons.
There were gun shots twice this summer, VERY near my house. But I didn't see ONE drug raid... that's a first! It's been YEARS since there was a whole summer without at least 2 raids in our view. So maybe I should be thankful for that huh? It's most likely because they have cut law enforcement so much that the swat team just doesn't have the man power or the time anymore. But hey, lets spend $30,000 on a new statue down town, just to be spray painted and shit on anyway...
Ugh, I better stop now before I start writing things I'll regret later.

I know money isn't everything, but we are trying to save to get all this bankruptcy behind us. Then we would be able to move forward, and maybe get the hell out of here!!!! How the fuck is that supposed to happen when every time I turn around something else is going wrong!?!??

I know there are bigger problems than mine, but I'm tired. So tired of everything. I'm tired of everything always going wrong. No matter how positive I try to be, today I just don't have anything left. I am just drained.

I feel like shit. My eating today was shit. And when I was eating the shit? It made me feel better. Yeah, that's right, it did. Which makes me even more depressed, actually writing that makes me want to cry. BUT I'm to tired for that. I think I've cried more in the last couple months then in the year before that! What's up with that? I never used to cry, and it hasn't helped anything either. I'm now Getting to that point where I'm starting to feel numb. Never a good sign.

Everyone is pissing me off, (except Ray and my son) my inner bitch is dying to jump out at any idiot that says the wrong thing to me. Hopefully my mother is VERY careful while I'm feeling this way... just thinking about her makes me angry. Just thinking about how she made my life as hard as possible, ON PURPOSE makes me sick.
I guess I'm thinking about her because she actually had the nerve to talk bad about my cousin, and how she let her boy friend around her kids... when she did the same thing! She didn't care about us!!! She chose a man over us every time! EVERYTIME!!!
Do you know that once when her boyfriend was so drunk he couldn't hardly talk, he wanted a hug... instead of telling him no you're drunk, leave her alone- she MADE me hug him. I was crying and saying no, and she forced me. I was probably about 10. After I did it, she wouldn't take us home. So while she stayed there with her boyfriend, I took my 5 year old brother and walked 3 miles home. I probably took care of him and my other 2 brothers all night, maybe even days. That's how much she loved us. Yet today she said "I can't believe she let him around those kids for so long." and also "I shouldn't have kept him for so long either, but he was good around you kids..." WHAT THE FUCK?????
Ugh.... I better go before I start telling more childhood stories, I should start a blog just for that!!! I got a million of them...

I notice people all over facebook saying "fml." And I had to ask to see what that even meant. WELL, after I found out I had to laugh. They were saying FML because they had to work late, couldn't go party that night, or something stupid like that. Give me a break.
Well, that's how I feel right now FML. Some people will probably look at that and say "ah, she don't have it that bad, she needs to quit complaining." Just like I did when I saw it. But like I said, I'm just drained, and have no energy to try and think of the good. It's just to hard right now.

I got on the treadmill. I got on it early in the day and felt so great, of course that was before I found out my car won't start. You know what? I know that if I hadn't done it, I wouldn't now because I just feel so low. I know I wouldn't be able to talk myself into it, so I'm so glad I did it earlier.
Treadmill: 20 minutes/ .76 mile 5 minutes with the weights

I'll have to catch up on my blog roll tomorrow. This may not have passed yet, so Don't feel bad if I don't comment, just know I'm still here reading and wishing the best for you! Maybe it will make me feel better, you all inspire me and I love reading your blogs.
I hope you all have a nice rest of the weekend, I really do.
I know I won't feel like this forever. Thank God.

Weigh Day

2010-09-25T00:23:00.000-04:00

And the scale says...

278.2

That's a loss of .6 pounds this week

I was hoping for at least a pound...

but I'm happy :)

As long as it's going down!

That makes my TOTAL loss:

41.8 pounds

I was on the treadmill 5 days this week

Making my Totals:

1 hour 24 minutes/ 3.23 miles

It's late and I'm pretty tired. I'm a little down on myself because I did really bad eating today. REALLY BAD....

why Why WHY? It seems every Friday, whether I've lost or gained, I end up eating badly... I don't know why I do that. I know I'll do better tomorrow though.

What I ate Today:

Lunch: Chimichanga, chips and cheese

Snack: 2 cookies

Snack: 1 bite sized snickers

Dinner: 2 pieces of lasagna, 2 pieces texas toast, about 10 oz pepsi

Snack: 1 cup ff skim milk, 2 cookies

Snack: 1 bit sized snickers

Total Water: 36 oz

Ugh. And they were large pieces of lasagna too. I WAY over ate, I am now full and feel like crap. Last time I made lasagna was the first time I ever stopped at 1 piece, EVER. I thought I would be able to do that tonight too... Honestly, after I had those first 2 cookies I kind of said- "today is ruined, so what the hell" and I KNOW better! That is why this time is so different, because I know not to throw away a whole day or week or month because of a bad choice... I don't know what got into me. UGH.

Tomorrow will be better, even though I finally gave in and got a bag of Halloween snickers, AND cookies... I also got apples and frozen veggies. I plan on doing really well this week...

I hope you all are doing good! I see a lot of you have joined that 100 challenge :) That's awesome! I'm not up to a challenge like that right now I don't think, but I'm going to challenge myself. I saw some of your goals where to only have 1 helping of food, THAT is a good one. I'm going to challenge myself to do that form NOW ON!!!! It's already a part of my plan... I just haven't been following that lately, and I NEED to!!!

Have a great weekend!

Worrying is Like... A Rocking Chair?

2010-09-23T22:45:00.000-04:00

Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.
-Glenn Turner

I've been feeling pretty good the last couple days. I am really just trying to appreciate what I have and take everything day by day.

My cousin K had a visit from the prosecutor. Pictures were taken of where her daughter found the pills. K said she is being charged with child abuse/neglect. That was 2 days ago, and the kids are still there... so I don't know what's going to happen. CPS still has to make their surprise visit also... I'm trying not to think about it. It may sound bad, but I really just can't handle the stress of it all. Me worrying about it was REALLY getting to me, I just have to let go and hope that whatever is supposed to happen, happens. As much as I love my cousin, whatever's best for the girls is what's important.

My eating was a disaster yesterday. Well, just dinner and after I guess. I had chips and cheese deluxe and a wet tostada for dinner.The rest of the day consisted 1 Iced coffee, Migas for lunch. Snacks were 2 oatmeal creme pies (170 cal each), Special K bar, and 2 bowls of cereal. I didn't drink enough water, probably only 20 oz. I woke up feeling like Sh*t!!! My whole body hurt. I didn't STUFF myself, but just the unhealthy choices and not enough water really made my body feel horrible. I wonder if I used to feel like this every morning?!?!?!?! I didn't think so, but that's how I used to eat everyday, so I probably did!!!! I can't imagine getting up everyday feeling like that....

I did get on the treadmill for 20 minutes/ .78 mile :) 5 minutes with 2 lb weights

Today's eating was better:
Breakfast: 165
Coffee and a Mocha Special K bar
Lunch: 434
Tuna sandwich on whole wheat with 1 slice of pepper jack cheese and hot pepper rings, 1 whole carrot 62 grams, 1 tbs light ranch, Water
Snack: 23
Werther's Candy
Dinner: 495
1 1/2 cups of 3 cheese chicken Voila (frozen meal with broccoli, carrots, corn, pasta, chicken), 1 slice buttered toast, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 245
about 1 1/2 cup frosted puffed wheat cereal with ff skim milk
Total Water: about 30 oz
Total Calories: 1362
Have you ever had Voila? I love it, I've only tried the chicken kind, and the cheese one is the best tasting I think. I was wondering if it would be less calories if I made it myself... like mixed my own veggies chicken, pasta and found some kind of cheese sauce or flavoring... maybe even leave out the pasta. What would I use for cheese flavoring? Any ideas???
I bought regular carrots instead of baby ones. I really don't taste a difference... I think I like the baby ones better. I'll finish this bag and decide :)

Treadmill for today:
13 minutes/ .50 mile
The last 2 days I did it in the morning and it felt SO good. Mostly because it was out of the way lol. Tonight it was just a rush to get it over with and wishing I would have done it earlier! But I did it and that's what matters to me. Definitely have to do it in the mornings though, I like that SOO much better...
I have to admit, I was genuinely AFRAID to take a break from the treadmill. I thought that once I took a day off I wouldn't get back on it! (That's what happened back in April, I got heat stroke and couldn't do it, and never got back into the habit of doing everyday- until now!) But I took 2 days off, and I'm right back on it. I know I'll still get on it everyday. Once in a while I might take a day off, but it won't hurt me, and it will still be habit! I feel pretty good about it :)

I also got extra walking in today. I walked to get my mail (I usually just get it when I'm already out in the car going somewhere) it's about 200 feet away I would guess. I'm going to try and make that a habit too.
More walking in the store, my son and I went shopping in a store I'm not really used to so it was a lot of looking around lol. He spent most of his birthday Money. (he got a bday card/money from my grandmother, I'm pretty suprised, but we'll go into that another time)
We also got just about everything he needs for camp :) Now that that cookie dough is all sold, that part of the stress is over, and he has just about everything he needs :) Now it's counting down the days till he goes, which is SIX. (and then counting the hours until he gets back!!!)

Tomorrow is weigh in, and I should be afraid with how I have been eating and not drinking enough water. But my ring says I lost... My engagement ring is my new weight gauge, and it seems to work pretty well lol. It is VERY loose. Not falling off on it's own yet, but definitely loose! I haven't stepped on the scale at all this week... so I'm really hoping for a loss. Wish me Luck! (it has been good lately, I hope it is tomorrow!)

Have a great night everyone!

My Luck has Changed (and Happy Fun Pants is Awesome! lol)

2010-09-22T00:36:00.000-04:00

As you know, life has been a little stressful lately. BUT, it seemed like Sunday night, my luck changed, FOR THE BETTER!
We sold all the cookie dough needed to send the boy to school camp. YAY. Then I decided to check my email, and got a message from Happy Fun Pants- I have won $150 visa gift card from her review blog!!!! Whaaat!?!?!? ME??!?!?! I never win ANYTHING! That really picked me up lol. After writing about my cousin and the month I've had, that was just the greatest surprise! :)

I didn't really even do anything! Just left a comment of about 3 sentences, and that's it. Most of you have probably read her blog Smaller Fun Pants, and if not you should check it out. It's one of my favorites. (I'm not just saying that because I won lol, It really is one of the first blogs I started following, and I LOVE it) She is so honest about her struggles and her life, it just really inspires me.

Her review blog is fairly new, and I suggest you check that one out too! I mean, if I could win it with 3 sentences about setting my toaster on fire... anyone can LOL! So go to Reviews by Happy Fun Pants, you could win!!! AND it's always a fun read :)

Happy Fun Pants will not take any credit for my random win, but for real- if it weren't for her I wouldn't have visited and I wouldn't have won.
SO THANK YOU HAPPY FUN PANTS!!!! :)
(also, thank you for "following" my blog!)

Wow, I wasn't planning on dedicating this post haha :) Maybe I should change the title...

In other news: There was a sever storm tonight, my brother and one of my cousins have no power. They are about 7 minutes away. There is a huge branch in my yard and someones chair on the side of my house. Nothing broken, still have power, the bird feeder didn't even fly away! I really don't know how it didn't with the crazy wind!!!! SO I feel even more lucky! So I won't even mention that the stupid news cut into The Biggest Looser about 5 fricken times to let us know about the storm..... lol

I'm not going to lie, I have also been feeling pretty down these last few days... and I don't know why! I feel so lucky, and yet I feel like I'm getting depressed anyway.... But I really DO feel like my luck is changing :) And I know everything will be ok!

I made it to day 40 with the treadmill, and then I was SO tired Sunday night by the time I decided to do it... that I ended up deciding NOT to do it. The next day I was regretting it a little... but instead of starting all over in my counting the days, I'm going to stop. 40 days, and it's definitely habit, but you want to know something??? Keeping track of how far, and then trying to beat that number every week actually kept me from going farther... that probably makes NO sense. Here's the best way I can explain: I was thinking to far ahead, when I would figure out how far I would have to go each day to beat the last week, I wouldn't do more even though I could. You may remember I mentioned I haven't even been sweating the last few days. But if I go to much farther, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to top that the next week.... So anyway, I'm still going to keep track of what I do each day, but I'm not going to obsess about what number day I'm at, or beating it next week. I think this will make it easier for me to stay on it longer! K :) hope that made sense lol.

My food hasn't been to bad. I have been snacking more than I should. Maybe not the BEST choices, but my portions have been really good :) Yesterday I had a really bad head ache and didn't eat very much at all. I did have one can of pepsi though :( and I haven't been drinking nearly enough water, but I'll do better tomorrow.

Today I walked while watching The Biggest Looser
Treadmill: 20 minutes/ .75 mile 5 minutes with 2 LB weights
If you were here last season, you might remember that I always did my Biggest Looser Walks. This was back when I had got up to a mile per day, and would just stay on it as long as I could during the show. I got up to 3.20 miles the last time. Well, my plan is to do that again this season. If I'm going to sit and watch a 2 hour show, I might as well walk instead :)

I'll update you on the family drama, and how the stress is really weighing me down tomorrow :(
For now I just want to concentrate on how lucky I am, and how everything will all work out fine. Have a good night everyone!!!

It Could Always be Worse

2010-09-20T01:53:00.000-04:00

(This post really has nothing to do with loosing weight or any of that)

I feel like the last month was one big test. To see how stressed out I could get without pulling all my hair out and jumping out the nearest window... but now I feel like I passed...
Oh, I still have stress of course. But some of it has been relieved :) And the rest? I know it isn't going anywhere anytime soon. I will have to just do my best to cope with it. And I will try and remember these words that bring me comfort:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Also, I have to remember that it could ALWAYS be worse. I feel that today for sure...

My Mom and Step Dad are living with my little brother, they are struggling and I know they can't afford it, yet they came over today and gave me $20. They said for the cookies OR just towards the price if I wasn't able to sell them and had to pay... that was so nice of them. My middle brother came and also spent $20 on cookies on top of giving my son money for his birthday. He may be better off money wise, but he still didn't have to do that. He doens't even have an oven hooked up right now lol! My youngest brother was going to spend $20, but we had all we needed by the time he got out of work. My family really came through for us today. It was really such a surprise... it was really nice. Even though they are struggling, they went out of their way for their family. I know my other brother would have too if he could have.
Lots of people came through for us today :)

One of those is my cousin K. She came over and also bought $20 worth!
K is a single mother of 3 little girls. Ages 3, 5, and 9. She has been having trouble with her middle child's Dad, always getting back with him and breaking up over and over. He is a worthless piece of trash... On top of that he is a drug addict, and physically abusive to her. Even in front of the kids. I'm always real with her, she knows she will get no bull shit from me, I've told her time and time again that she needs to stay away from him. It's not just her but the kids she has to worry about. I also tell her that I know it's hard, but she has to do whats right for them. That I love her, and will always be there for her, but she knows how I feel about it all.

She is still on and off with him, but more off lately. She just got a part time job last week, after being unemployed for... 8 years? It is hard to get a job around here, so things were looking up. She is also going to school part time.
Well last night she had to go to work, and he came over to babysit. He was high as a kite, on who knows what. He's mostly into pills and his methadone, so he was messed up. Got dropped off and couldn't even keep his head up. She made him leave and then I'm not sure what happened. I guess she must have stayed home from work, because she was having dinner with her daughters when her 9 year old started to imitate how her boyfriend had been acting. She was slurring and rolling her eyes up in her head. Her head was rolling around like she couldn't keep it up... K got really mad, she yelled at her to STOP IT, THAT'S NOT FUNNY! But no one was laughing. It wasn't an act.
She was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance, it was too late to pump her stomach, but they gave her something to help it go through her system faster... she came out of it alright...
She had swallowed 3 white pills. The test couldn't tell what they were... they could have been ANYTHING. When they asked why she took them, she said because she thought they were candy... but when asked HOW she took them, she said with a glass of water. "Do you usually swallow candy with water?" They asked. "No..." So you can read into that what you will...

She is home today, last I knew she was still unsteady on her feet and running into things. But she can talk, and everything else is ok. Child Protective Services will be paying a visit to K's house this week. Of course she doesn't know when, and doesn't know what will happen. She called her 'boyfriend' and told him that was it. That she finally decided her children were more important than him, and it's over. God I hope she is serious this time... I KNOW she is right now, but I hope she is in a month when he begs to come back...

And what if it's to late? What if CPS comes and takes her kids tomorrow? What if they decide to test her, and see that she has a little something in her system from a party she went to a few weeks ago??? What then???
I feel so bad for her, I know she is sick with worry. I also know that she should have stopped this along time ago... so it's hard to know how to feel...

All I know, is that all my money trouble, my weight struggles, all my horrible luck lately... it just seems so... unimportant. This last month my dryer quit, my car broke down, I had to get a tetanus shot when I hurt myself, both my phones quit working the other day, my air conditioner broke last month and we just got the bill for the electric. It's $100 more than usual because the air was on and not working for about 15 hours straight. That bill is now a shut off notice. The neighborhood I live in just seems to get worse and worse... there is more, but you get the point... all this sucks. But really? It's all just inconvenient compared to some peoples problems. It could ALWAYS be worse. My problems are not the end of the world. FAR from it.
If I lost my child? THAT would be the end of the world.