"Will you pee for me?"

That's the question my Aunt asked me one day.
I was 10 or 11 years old. She had called my Mom, who then sent me over to her house. I walked over, and went in. We visited for only a few minutes and she asked "Will you pee for me?" I laughed. And said "yeah." This is something my Grandma would always say too, when she had to use the bathroom but didn't want to get up.
But my Aunt said "No really, I need you to pee in this cup for me."
And that's all I remember. I knew it was because she needed clean pee for a job, but did she tell me that??? I don't remember. I knew it was because she smoked weed... but I doubt she told me that... Maybe I just assumed that was it, since I knew my Mom did??? I remember thinking how dark my pee looked, and wondering if that was normal! Since I had never seen it out of the toilet before (remember, I was a kid) but that's all I remember...

Over the years, I have heard that question quite a bit since that day. From family, mostly my mom. Mostly for jobs, but once for my cousin who had to pee for child protective services... (I now have a lot of guilt over that one, but that's a story for another time...) That's just what happens when everyone you know is on drugs except you. I didn't mind at the time, I kind of thought it was funny.
Of course NOW, I have conflicting emotions about it. First I wonder- how did they all know I wasn't on drugs anyway? What if I was on crack, or even just smoked some weed, and didn't want to tell??? And just peed for them anyway? You know how stupid kids can be... that is definitely something that could have happened!!! But most of all- Being a parent now, I just can NOT picture asking my son to do that for me. OR letting my brothers ask him. And have to explain why? Umm... No.
But I grew up a lot different then he is... Which is good :)

Why this little trip down memory lane you ask?

WELL, today reminded me of that first day that I was deemed the designated family clean pee-er.
Ray's brother called today, and asked him to pee for him! Unlike me, Ray had NEVER in his life been asked this favor. On one hand, I could think of it as depressing... that after all these years, no one in either of our families can pee for themselves...
BUT I am looking at it in a positive way. When he got off the phone and told me what his brother wanted, we both smiled like 'wow can you believe it!?!?!'

So today he peed for his brother for the first time... and since his brothers can't stay off drugs, and can't keep the same job for long, I'm sure it won't be the last!
As for Ray? He was never addicted to hard drugs or anything, hasn't touched ANYTHING like that since he's lived with me. But he's been a pot head since he was about 14. He smoked it DAILY for at least the last 10 years.

But today marks his 114th day- weed free.
His brothers test came back, and he is officially, CLEAN :)
I am so proud of him :)

Now to get our food addictions under control...

What I ate Today:
Lunch: 348
Tuna Sandwich on whole wheat with 1 tbs miracle whip, pepper jack cheese, jalapenos. 6 baby carrots with 1 tbs light ranch. water
Iced Coffee: 105
large glass with 3 tbs hazelnut liquid creamer
Snack: 165
2 pieces (1/2) WFC Almond Chocolate bar
Dinner: 675?
2 cups macaroni&cheese + hot dogs, 1/2 cup leftover green bean/corn mixture, water
Snack: 165
2 pieces (1/2) WFC Almond Chocolate bar
Snack: 140
1/2 cup cottage cheese and 1/4 cup fruit cocktail. Water
Total Water: 30 oz
Total Calories: 1598
Macaroni and hot dogs is my son's favorite meal, but I hardly EVER make it for him anymore. I'm going to guess 3 times since February? I don't like hot dogs like I used to, but I do like these Hebrew National all beef, all natural ones ok. 150 calories each.
Those dang candy bars! Ray called his nephew over and bought more of them! I told myself only 2 pieces a day won't hurt, but I already messed that up. But tomorrow I'll have my last 2 pieces.
It's not great, but I think I'm doing a little better everyday...

Last night pizza was avoided. Ray said he was ordering some after our son was in bed, after we had already eaten dinner! I told him "go ahead, but I'm not having any!" and I wouldn't have either. I was determined not to. He must have known it, because he didn't get any.
Today we took a nap, and he wanted up at 11am. Because he wanted to go eat at Florentine's... I told him I didn't want to, I have to weigh in tomorrow. But it sounded like he really was planning on it... when the alarm went off, and he didn't hear it... I didn't wake him up! lol, it felt very sneaky, but I REALLY didn't want to go. I know I would do BAD if I went to a buffet today.
So when he did get up, he was going to order pizza! He asked what bills where due before he gets paid again, I told him. And that we really can't afford to be spending money on fast food... So he actually got a little pissy about it! I acted like I didn't know, and asked him what was wrong after a while... he let it go and all was well... but that shows me that he is just as addicted to fast food as I am... I think even more... I just always go along with it (eagerly), until now.
I'm sure I'll be faced with it again soon, and I can't say how I'll handle it... but I feel good about how I did today and last night. One day at a time...

BUT If he can kick his other habit, I know we can get through our food addiction. :)

I am still feeling pretty good... even the weekend task of putting up Christmas crap isn't overwhelming me... so that's a good sign.
I will see you tomorrow for my weekly weigh in, I hope it's good! I'm still weighing in daily at my Weight Loss Tracker, so I feel good about it :)

Well, I hope you enjoyed today's post and my little trip down Dysfunctional Family Avenue lol. I hope someone tells me they are also a designated pee-er so I don't feel so alone!!!! Ha! A girl can hope can't she? Don't worry, I know this shit isn't normal... but what can I do but laugh? It's better to laugh than cry right? :)

Have a great night everyone :) See you tomorrow!

Weigh Day? Not Good. Mood? Better.

First let me say hello to Mercy. Thank you for joining me in my day! It hasn't been my normal day for a while now... but hopefully it will be again soon! :)

Now to the weigh in.
Of course it's not good. I didn't get on the treadmill once this week, I ate pretty much whatever I wanted...
So the scale says:

288.6

That is a gain of 3.2 pounds

Making my total loss 31.4 pounds

I think my chart shows I had lost 32 pounds or so back in April. APRIL! That is 7 months ago! And I have lost all the work I have done since then. Ugh, that just sucks so bad...

I know what I need to do, and what I should be doing... Why can't I find the motivation?

As you know, I have been stressed out. But that can NOT be an excuse. I need to get on that treadmill no matter what mood I am in. And logic tells me that just the act of walking will make me feel better! It's just so hard to do when I don't want too... But I NEED to.

Now that Thanksgiving is over, I am feeling better. I guess the stress of that, and not even knowing if we were going to spend it with the family- was really weighing on me. Once I finally asked my brother the big question, I felt a huge relief. He didn't come over one night he said he was going to, so I did it the easy way. A text :) I wrote something like "I wanted to talk to you about smoking weed while ****(my son) is there. I was hoping you all could wait till we leave, or if you can't wait, go outside? Is that coo?" and he texted back "Yep, that's fine yo." lol, So it worked out for the best, I didn't make a big deal out of it and he didn't either. Oh, but it could have went SO DIFFERENTLY, and I'm just thankful it didn't.

We had a great Thanksgiving. I hope you all did too! I'm behind in my reading, so I have to play catch up!

I was in charge of making pickle wraps, onion wraps, the night before. Me and my son also decided to decorate cookies :) We had fun. I also made the goop (Green Bean Casserole, except DELICIOUS), and macaroni. All the food was so good. (I have everything I've been eating on the last post.) I had a lot, but honestly I am proud of myself. I really thought about what I wanted, and the 2 plates where 1/2 the size 2 plates would have been last year! And for dessert I had one piece of pie, and one bite of another. Every other year I would have had a piece of each of the 3 kinds! AND THE BIGGEST CHANGE: I didn't bring home any dinner leftovers. Not even of what I made! We do have stuff here to make more pickle wraps, but the 1 cookie for each of us I brought home are gone, and I have not been pigging out on thanksgiving dinner all day! Woo Hoo! Step Dad sent home 1/2 a stuffed squash that I will probably have for lunch tomorrow, but that would have usually been eaten yesterday at Thanksgiving along with the 2 huge plates. I did pretty good for me. Especially since I've been doing SO bad...

This morning I got some exercise, I shopped my FIRST Black Friday. I don't do crowds, but I had to drop Ray at work this year anyway, so I figured I might as well stop at 2 places while I'm out. I got in line at Target, and I swear I was almost at the back of the store. The line went across the whole front, then around to the back. I'm sure it went around again because there where a lot of people that got there after me! I almost went back home. I just knew the camera I wanted would be gone. But after waiting 15 minutes, I got in there and got my camera! AND an external hard drive we have needed for a long time, $60 off! I was so happy! Then I went to Meijer and got everything I needed from there too!!! Some nice pairs of jeans for Ray and the kid 1/2 off. 2 lego starwars sets for the kid for Christmas Buy one Get one 1/2 off, a new cordless phone 14.99 (ours got fried about a month ago), and a big coffee mug for Ray's Birthday. (He will be the big 30, and the mug says so lol) I was home by 5:45am, and it all went so much smoother than I expected! I just really lucked out I think :) I am so relieved! Do you go shopping on Black Friday? How was it for you!?!?! I can't say that I'll make it a habit, but it really did work out very well :) The managers at Meijer were even handing out bottles water to all of us hard shoppers lol :) So nice of  them.

This morning after I went to bed and woke back up later, it was like Christmas! lol. Opening up my camera, phone, ray hooking up the hard drive... I haven't had so many presents since I was a kid haha :)

On top of the $150 gift card I got from Happy Fun Pant's Review Blog, I also got a $50 gift card from my best friend (who hasn't even sent me a card since she moved 6 years ago! Such a great surprise!) and then at Thanksgiving my middle brother gave me a card and $50! I've never had Birthday money like this before. And any money  I ever do get I have ALWAYS spent on Christmas presents, or bills. But I REALLY needed a camera. I swear not having one that works has added to my depression. I LOVE taking pictures, I think it is great therapy, and now I have a camera that works! Its a tiny little thing. Metallic Red, Nikon Coolpix. $79. I really like it :) So anyway, I got stuff we really needed, at great prices and I am happy :)

Of course some of that money was already spent on food for thanksgiving and other things we needed. Like getting drunk last Saturday night. That was actually in the instructions from my best Friend! lol. Ray and I had some drinks and had a good night. Played Guitar Hero, and kicked ass :) lol, at least I think I was doing pretty good! It's funny, I only have the urge to play that game when I'm drunk... and now I won't play it for another 6 months I'm sure, and I'll be awesome at it then too! haha. (or will think so anyway)

So yes, my mood has been ALL OVER the place. I had a great birthday this year, even though it was in the middle of all this stress and gaining all this weight back. Halloween and Thanksgiving proved to be more than I could handle as far as my eating. But now I really do feel better. Not GREAT, but so much better.

I am determined to get on the treadmill and do my 5 miles this week. I didn't do it today, but I have 6 days left. I did start off the new week on a better note though :)

Crunches: 100 (5 sets of 20) 

As far as blogging, I would really like to record my previous days food every morning when I update my weight loss tracker. And keep up to date on everyone else's blogs. So that's my goal. I still feel a little overwhelmed with all that... I really have to shorten my blog role :(  

Oh, speaking of goals! As you may know, I had set the goal of loosing 50 lbs in 2010. It was SO achievable when I set it... but now since I keep gaining, I'm not going to be able to do it. So I'm not going to concentrate on that, But am going to do my best to loose as much as I can by the new year!

I'll at least be here to update my eating and weight loss tracker daily, and for sure do a real post for Friday weigh ins! I really want to be able to read everyone's blogs daily too. SO That's the plan... but lately my plan changes with my mood, like 5 times per day ;)

But this should work :) 

What I really need to do is get back on a schedule! Ever since I got the car back (which I am SO VERY grateful for) I have been bringing Ray to work and my sleep is all off. I think I really started getting depressed after I got the car back... that HAS to be why! I was on a good schedule, was used to getting a nice chunk of sleep... and now it's back to these weird hours, and I am not getting used to it! I HAVE to get on a schedule. I think I will feel so much better, and be able to cope with things so much better...

Alright, I'm done rambling now :) I'll see you later! Hugs and Take Care!

Not Doing So Well... Going to Take a Blog Break

I haven't been on the treadmill once.
I get up every morning with the best intentions, and then loose all motivation.

Yes I'm stressed out. Maybe a little more than usual, but I can't keep letting that throw me off track!

One of the new things piled up on top of everything else, my sons report card. He has always been an A student. Some Bs sometimes... but it's because I stayed right on top of him and reminded him about his homework every day ect. Now that he's in middle school I don't know EVERY thing that is going on. I was so worried that when he started middle school he would have trouble. That it would all overwhelm him...

My son is very smart. Since he was a baby, just SO smart. But he also has a hard time paying attention, and gets side tracked very easily. He forgets what he is/was doing a lot, not just in school work. My Mom said I should check out ADD drugs when he was around 3. I'm like "no mom, he's just being a kid!" Then when he was in 2nd grade his teacher actually told me I might want to think about getting him on some medication... I just couldn't see doing that. He was so young, and doing excellent in school... He is more on the shy side, never caused any trouble... so why would I drug him?

Anyway, a few weeks back I went online for the first time to check his grades. He had As, Bs and a C+. Now a C+ is fine, IF that's the best he could do. But I know he can do better. I made sure he knew that if he didn't bring that grade up before report card time he would be grounded from video games until his NEXT report card, 9 weeks away. He said he could bring it up, and I ask him ALL the time if he has homework and he never does... Now he brings home His report card. Instead of all As and maybe a B or 2, These are his grades: A, A-, B+, B, B-, C+, C-, E.
WTF?
I was SO PISSED. And Yelled at him more than I probably have in his whole life. He DOES have homework, he KNOWS he has to do it, but just didn't. I asked him what he thought was going to happen when he didn't do his homework? He knew I was going to see it, what did he think I would say? "I don't know." Is pretty much all he says. I can't explain how upset I am about this.
And the online "up to date" progress reports I can access daily? What a crock of shit. I thought he would be bringing home 1 C+ because of that. Now that it finally updated, nothing has been added since the 11th. So NOTHING from the new marking period, it still says the grades from his report card... So I can now see all the assignments he missed from LAST marking period. So how am I supposed to stay on top of all his grades/ assignments if they don't update it? I even signed up to receive weekly emails from all his classes, the last 2 weeks were exactly the same! What is the fucking point of getting a weekly email if they don't ever change?!?!?!

So I'm not sure what to do. He is grounded from all video games until his next report card, in 9 weeks. Maybe he does have something like ADD... but more than that, I think he is addicted to video games. Which is of course our fault as parents. Ray's addicted to them, and so is he. I think that more than any kind of ADD, he just would rather play video games or watch netflix. I think that that was more important that doing homework. He has NO problem remembering things he has to get done in his games, or the new achievements he can get on what day... so now I'm hoping he can be just as dedicated to his school work without so many other distractions. I always just kind of let that go, because he really is such a good kid. And always got good grades... but obviously something has to be done.

And I am on his ass. Every day, I'm looking at his planner, and asking what every single thing is, if he got it done. I'll be checking that online thing often, hoping that it will update soon so I can see how he is really doing. I don't really know what else to do. If he still gets bad grades, what then? I guess ask the doctor what they think. (I hate his doctors office, since age 8 we don't go unless absolutely necessary) I really do think No video games will help a lot. He's not even upset as I thought he would be... but really what can he say? I warned him... and he still didn't care enough to do what needed to be done.
Missing a few assignments? Fine. But he didn't bring home ANY homework all marking period, and he had a LOT he was supposed to do. The only thing he brought home everyday was 20 minutes of band practice. Little did I know that she also hands out homework to bring home on TOP of that. (That's the class he got an E in. The class he works the hardest for. He practices that thing everyday, I never dreamed she handed out extra homework on top of that.)  It doesn't matter though, he KNEW he was supposed to be doing this other work. And he just chose not to! I just can't fricken believe that! What was he thinking?!?!
So I want him to do well in school, it is the most important thing on my mind right now. The perfect time for him to get sick right? Yeah. He had to stay home from school today....
I have been sick to my stomach or had a horrible head ache every morning for a while now. Today is the first day I didn't, but now he is sick :(

Anyway, as you can see all this has me very upset. I guess I'm so upset because of the bigger picture. I just want the best for him. I want more for him than I have. Isn't that what every parent wants? And he has always done so well in school, and I just knew that was the ONE thing I didn't have to worry about- his education. But now this changes all that. If I let him he would just play Xbox all day and not care if he failed every class. And straight up lie to me when I ask him about homework... That is hard for me to except.
I just want him to do well in school, go to college, have a job he doesn't hate, live in a nice safe place... I want him to have everything I didn't. And don't.

UGH.

Speaking of wanting what's best for him...
Thanksgiving is only 3 days away. I still haven't talked to my brother. We haven't been over there in 4 months because them all getting high all the time finally just got to be to much for me. They no longer care if my son is there, and don't try to make sure the smoke is kept far away from him anymore. Sure they don't do it in the same room, but it's a tiny ass trailer. Where they used to go in the back, or outside- now it's in the next room or like the last time, the enclosed porch where 5 people open the door to get inside right where my son is and bring all the smoke with them... They just don't care. And I'm fucking sick of it.
Why don't they want whats best for him? Why does his own Grandmother think this is all just fine? Me and her fought about it afterwards. Her saying things like "It's not my house. I only took one hit. I didn't know you cared, you stopped complaining about it." Complete bull shit. While we are not fighting at the moment, just thinking of it makes me so full of rage all over again.
So besides me and her fighting, no one else has said anything. She told me she's not telling my brother (Bear, who's trailer it is, who wasn't even there when I had finally had enough) so he knows nothing about it. But he HAS to have noticed we don't come over anymore right? He is stoned everyday, all day... so maybe not. Anyway, I have to confront him and make sure NO ONE will be getting high while we are there. If they absolutely have to, I need to know they will go outside away from my 12 year old. (Their only nephew, and only grandson that they should be caring about without me forcing them!) So how do I do this without causing a fight? Or getting dis invited from Thanksgiving? Or disowned? Haha. Who knows. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
I figure if I don't make a big deal about it, he won't either? I'm just going to say: "He is not exposed to weed anymore. I just want to make sure that won't be a problem. That you can all wait till we leave to get high, or at least go outside if you CAN'T wait." We'll see what happens. If he does throw a fit? Well, then fuck him. They are pretty much the only family we have left, but at the moment, I don't really care.

So yeah, I guess I am stressed. Once Thanksgiving is over I think I will feel SO much better.

I have bad news about Ray's Mom. She had to call into work last week because her vision was so bad. She went to the doctor and they said she needs surgery, but they can't operate because her sugar is way to high. She has also been having trouble with her feet because of the diabetes, which I just found out about. Ray is in complete denial about how bad it's getting. He just says "Oh it's just her cataracts. She's fine now." I don't argue... but I think it's worse than she is telling us...

Oh, another fun thing...
The townhouse I grew up in, started on fire Saturday. It's in this complex, if I walk 5 steps from my porch I can see it, another 200 and I'm there...
The outside is fine, the inside and everything in it is a loss. The basement is ok I guess.
It was weird to see it, everything black, the blinds melted off the windows, all the firemen... but that's all. Just weird. It's where I grew up, where I brought my son home to when he was born. But I don't have any emotional attachment to it. The whole time I was there I couldn't wait to get out of it.

It just so happens Ray's brothers girlfriend (one of many) lives there. Her and her 3 kids weren't home. The landlord is going to move them into a 2 bedroom until a 3 opens up. Which was really nice, especially seeing it was most likely caused by candles she left burning...
I really feel bad for her though. Now she has lost almost everything. Thankfully she has her family.
She has been through a lot with Ray's brother this last year. She lost their baby, about 6 months ago I think... we attended the memorial service.  He leaves, comes back, leaves... really fucks with her mentally. I love ray's brother, but sometimes he makes me sick... the way he treats women is just awful... I won't go into all of it now, or how many kids he has.... just know I think it's disgusting and sad that he is never going to grow up. And only the women that love him, and all his kids are going to suffer for it.

BUT I have my own problems. I can't worry about her, or her stupid decisions... He's like family, and I can't be thinking of all these silly girls every time I see him. If I do I might end up telling him off one day... that's the last thing I should do right now! haha, like I need his whole family mad at me too. Oh that would be funny though! "Hey you selfish piece of shit. Why don't you grow the fuck up and think about someone else besides yourself for once in your life. How about you go get snipped so you can quit having kids you aren't going to take care of. And for Fucks sake pick a girl and stick with her! Maybe even pick one that has a kid by you already!!" ahh... that would be great huh? I know it would make me feel better ;) But I won't.
Like I said. I got enough problems.
He was here yesterday... had been helping her salvage some stuff from the basement. He found 8 grams of cocaine, and was pretty happy! Who cares her house burnt down, it was his fucking lucky day!
Ugh... do you see the kind of people I'm surrounded by? It's really no wonder I'm depressed...

And yes, I am pretty depressed. Just so tired of everything you know? Struggling everyday and getting no where... Living by the golden rule when no one else does... Ugh, don't get me started! (and no, this so far is not even getting started haha)

Despite everything I had an ok weekend. But now I'm feeling low again.

Me and my son are fine. I'm upset right now writing about it, but I yelled at him about it Friday/Saturday, now I'm done. Now I'm just going to be very strict about it and make sure... he doesn't lie and say he did everything in his planner??? How am I going to do that? Ugh, he better not. He knows I'm checking online now, and hopefully wanting to play his video games in 9 weeks will be enough motivation for him. AND not ever wanting to see me that pissed off ever again!

Tomorrow he will be back in school. I have a very busy day... I'll be bringing him to school, picking up Ray, bringing him to donate plasma, waiting in the parking lit for an hour or more, doing about 5 loads of laundry when I get home, then taking all that to the laundry mat to dry. Then making dinner...
I would love to say I will get back to doing the treadmill tomorrow, but I'm not going to say that. Because I probably won't.

I feel like all I do is complain lately. And this shit has to be depressing to read! So I'm going to take a little time off from my blog. I will come back when I'm a little less stressed and have some good things to write about. I'm thinking after the holiday is over, no later than Monday Ok? I don't want to just keep writing about the bad all the time... it's not any fun. For me, and I'm sure not for you either.

I'll still be here reading yours though! I have to catch up the last couple days of course.

To make sure I don't completely go off the deep end, as far as food again, I am going to make a promise:
I WILL write down everything I eat. It's when I don't, that I really mess up.
I will try to get back on the treadmill, I know it's SO important for my weight loss.
I will update my weight loss tracker every day.

Thanks for all of your support, and I'm sorry I'm so winy lately.

I'm going to take a page out of colenic's book and list some good things in the middle of this chaos.
My middle brother JW got a job today
Ray is getting a LOT more hours because of the Holidays
It was a beautiful 65 degree day out today, even with the storm later and tornado watch :)
Besides this temporary grade set back, I really do have a great son. We have a good relationship, and I'm confident this lying was just a phase (umm... am I in denial? Just let me stay here if I am ok?)
I know Ray loves me
My car is working
I got a surprise birthday card from my best friend
The 3 of us watched Avatar together and it was very nice :)

Again, I'm sorry all I do is complain. I know it could be worse and others have way more problems than I do. I know I will feel better...
Oh, and I should apologise for all the swearing too :) I really don't swear a lot... I guess I swear more when I'm angry or depressed... but rest assured I don't talk to my son like that. He's heard it all form my Mom and brothers, but I've never felt the need to swear in front of kids... Ok, maybe when some idiot almost crashes into me while I'm driving, but that's about it ;)

Ok, Goodnight everybody. I'll be back!

Grandmama Drama, and Catch Up

Hello! First let me say hi to a couple new 'followers.' To Bouncin Barb and Pengu, Thank you for joining me in my day!

Sorry I've been gone a few days again. I still am a little down I guess, but I am doing ok :) I have just been sleeping a lot. A LOT. So I haven't had time to write. I actually went to bed at 9 Monday night! Crazy right? Then when I get up in the morning, every day it seems I don't feel good :( I thought something had passed me by and I lucked out since I only felt feverish one day... but I don't know. I hardly ever get sick, so I'm hoping it passes without much hassle!

My computer is all fixed, so that's good :)

Not much new here.

My Grandmother's surgery is today. It's major surgery, very dangerous I hear. The top two vertebrae in her spine are completely gone. I guess she's been doing pretty bad. This is all news to me this last week, since my mother tells me NOTHING important. I guess she cries all the time because of the pain, and has fallen a lot lately because she can't hardly use her legs...
Now, I don't really feel anything about it. At first I was stressed and worried a little... but now? I really don't care. It may sound cold, but she has put my family through so much... she is no longer the grandmother we all knew and loved. That person was gone WAY before any of this started happening.
Without getting into everything that happened, the quick version is this: 3 years ago her spoiled selfish daughter finally convinced my grandmother to ban me from her house. Then to disown me, my mother (her other daughter!) my brothers, even her own sister. It was ridiculous. I mean, the stuff you see on talk shows, NOT in real life... NOT in MY family! It was all devastating... I loved my grandmother. I would have done anything for her. She was the one person in the world I knew would always be there for me. Then she changed...
It took a while but now my grandmother and her sister (my great Aunt) are back to being best friends. Even my mother talks to her now... kind of. She brought up about 6 months ago "I wish I could come see you sometimes." Her mother said "That's between you and Sherry (the spoiled bitch)." That right there shows ME that nothing has changed. Sherry still runs her life and her house. Sherry is still number one no matter what. So I really gave up any hope of ever having any kind of relationship with her. I haven't seen her in 3 years, since she hung up on me after disowning me.
Now to the present.
I had been stressing about this surgery. Should I send a card at least? But I decided that would be pointless. I already morned the loss of my Gramma 3 years ago, and she is not the same person anymore. This woman is NOT her. So what would be the point? There isn't one.
So last night my mother called her, (can't go see her cause she's not allowed- Sherry says so) and it's the last conversation Mom is going to have with her mother before this life threatening surgery. My grandmother could have said anything. She could have said she was sorry for disowning her. Or sorry for calling her and her family names, or sorry for letting Sherry take over her life and push everyone else out... but no. She tells my Mom "I just can't forget the horrible names you called me." My Mom did go off on her, AFTER everything else. Because my Grandmother had called her and hurt her more than she'd ever been hurt in her life... So my Mom apologizes for the things she said. Does Grandmother? Of course not. She finally says, "well I guess we should just let all this go." And of course my Mom is fine with this. So they are fine. Mom will be happy just seeing her once in a while (when they both visit my Great Aunt who lives close by.) Never being able to just call, or come over. Never being important again, now that Sherry rules everything. In fact, when my grandmother told my Great Aunt to tell my mother what time her surgery was, she said "But don't let Sherry know we told her, because I don't want her stressed out before surgery." wtf?
Grandmother thinks she is being the bigger person for 'letting it go' because she thinks she has done no wrong. I know for a fact that whatever Sherry decided is the version of what happened, has been pumped into Grandmothers brain for 3 years and she probably doesn't even know half of what really went on! But whatever.
I won't get in the way of my mother and her mother... but ME? I will not put up with that shit. People say life is to short to hold a grudge or not forgive someone. I say life is to short to allow people into your life that will turn on you at the drop of a hat. To give your heart to people that will stomp all over it. My mother will most likely be hurt in the future by her. I will not go down that road again.

My son has overheard a lot of what has been said the last couple days, so I told him about the surgery. And asked if he would like to make her a card or anything. He decided he wanted me to buy one for him to sign. He didn't get emotional or anything, he hasn't seen her in 3 years either. She does send him a card for his birthday and Christmas though. I told him he didn't have to, and no one expects him to. But he wanted to. He's a sweet boy, and he must miss her... I miss her too, but I miss what she USED to be. That woman is gone. So no matter what happens in surgery, I won't mourn her, I don't even know her.

Here's what the last few days have looked like:
Sunday-
Coffee: 105
with 3 tbs pumpkin spice creamer
Breakfast: 90
Special K vanilla Crisp bar
Lunch: 448
Tuna sandwich on whole wheat with 1 tbs miracle whip, jalapenos, cheddar cheese. 8 veggie chips, 5 baby carrots, 1 tbs light ranch. Water.
Dinner: 425
6 oz chicken, 1 cup red beans and rice, 1/2 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 230
Little Debbie Christmas Tree cake and 1/2 cup ff skim milk
Snack LATE night: 263
33 grams veggie chips, 1/4 cup cheddar, salsa. water
Total Water: 44 oz
Total Calories: 1561
Treadmill: 26 minutes/ 1 mile, Incline 2. Carrying 2 lb weights for 5 minutes

Monday-
Coffee: 53
Half of my cup with 1.5 tbs pumpkin spice creamer (3 tbs total)
Lunch: 464
Tuna Sandwich on whole wheat with 1 tbs miracle whip, 1 slice munster cheese, jalapenos. 15 grams veggie chips, 5 baby carrots, 1 tbs light ranch. water
Dinner: ?
3 slices of pizza, 2 bread sticks, water
Total Water: 35 oz

Tuesday-
Lunch: ?
2 slices of pizza, 1 bread stick, water
Iced coffee: 105
coffee, ice, 3 tbs hazelnut creamer
Dinner: ?
1 Parmesan stuffed chicken, 1 cup pasta
Snack: 23
1 Werther's
Snack: 235
Cereal- 1 1/2 cup frosted puffed wheat, 1 cup ff skim milk
Total Water: 38 oz
Treadmill: 26 minutes/ 1 mile, Incline 2. Carrying 2 lb weights for 5 minutes

I found this pumpkin spice liquid creamer at Aldi's, I LOVE it. Really, it is so good! I'm sure it's seasonal, so I'm going to have to stock up! The hazzlenut, not so much. It takes 4 tbs to get it good, and I onlt like it in ice coffee. Once it's gone, I won't be getting that again I don't think.
Found some whole wheat bread that is 50 calories per slice... but I don't like it as much as my normal (70 per slice)...
These Veggie Chips I also found at Aldi's. All natural, 130 calories for 28 grams (more than enough) and they are pretty good!
As you can see, it isn't horrible but I NEED to do better.
I didn't record all of the calories, but I'm trying to get back into the habit. I DID record EVERYTHING I ate though :)
Today is... ok so far, Ray has the night off and I'll be up late I'm sure. I will try not to eat anything else though, as I over ate for dinner (tacos) and I'm kind of full. I'll be back tomorrow with a full report.

SURGERY UPDATE:
She didn't get into surgery as soon as she was supposed to. So my Great Aunt didn't make it up there, but will see her tomorrow and give her my sons card. Now that she's out of the woods, I guess I'm glad. I still don't want anything to do with her. I know she doesn't want anything to do with me either, so it's all good. The card? I hope it makes her feel like the shitty 'Great' grandmother she is... I know it might not be right, but you know me! Honest to a fault, and I can't help how I feel.  

I feel really good though. I got a gift mailed out for my best friends baby today. Renewed my stupid license. They took my picture, and it looks HORRIBLE, but I think they are supposed to lol. She asked "Is this ok?" I said yes... because who makes them retake it??? But I should have, now I have to live with that picture! lol, oh well. Also, it asked my weight... my weight has never been on my license before! I hope it isn't now...
Ray has the morning off, so I don't have to get up at 3:30am! Woo Hoo!
ALSO I got a blog award from colenic, now that is enough to make a girl smile! I'll get to that soon. As soon as I can come up with the answers to the question! :) I also have some questions to answer from Tessa, so I have some thinking to do :)

Have a great night everyone!

Might Be Away for a Bit...

But don't worry! I am feeling great and I won't fall off the road (I'm not quite back on the wagon lol, I'll be back on it soon though!)

I have to take the computer back to the shop tomorrow, they had to order something that should arive tomorrow (Monday). I took the computer home though because it was up and running lol, and I couldn't live without if one more day! I am very hopeful that I will get it back the same day though, Tuesday at the latest!

I did well today. Even when the store declined my debit card and I couldn't buy cat food! Grrr. I know I have money in my account, so I'm thinking it's the same thing that happened about a month ago when my card was declined (at the same store!). My MasterCard number was 'compromised' and they had to issue me a new one. Wiht out contacting me, just canelled my debit card! It was this big ordeal and really pissed me off... and that has to be what is going on now. I don't have much money lol, but I have way more than enough to pay for the damn cat food!!!
On top of having no way to get MY money, one thing that pissed me off is that the bank wouldn't tell me what merchant had compromised my card. Isn't it my right? It's my money isn't it? Idiots. And now they did it again. On a Sunday, when I couldn't even call to see wtf is going on. Can't go get any cash from the atm if my card is deactivated. Can't go to the bank since it's closed....
Last week, I would have come home and used Ray's card and ordered a pizza! BUT it's not last week. It's now, and I am fine. It is an inconvenience, but nothing I can do about it. I will handle it tomorrow. See, no biggie :)
I'll take ray's card and get cat food at a different store at 4am when I take him to work. The cats think it's just their lucky day, as they have had lots of tuna today! :)

THANK YOU
I know I've said thank you in the comments, but I really hope you all understand how much your support has meant to me, especially the last few days.
We all have problems and issues. Now that I feel better, I know that mine are small compared to some. My stress is nothing compared to others. But when I was in that state, it felt unbearable and I thank you all for all the kind words and support.
All of us have struggles. When I see your struggles my heart goes out to you, and I hope you can find comfort like I have here. Like I said, most of you have more on your plate than I do! Things you have to deal with, things you have to overcome everyday. There are medical issues, and so many other problems out there, that I feel guilty for getting so down... My worries are no more important than anyone else's and I just thank you for taking time out to make me feel better.
I hope that all of your stresses and hardships are made a little better by getting them out here in blogland.
I know getting things off my chest here has done so much for me. I just want you to know that I'm here if you need someone to listen, just like you all have been here for me.
HUGS and Thank you!

I'll be back tomorrow, hopefully, for what I ate today and your regularly scheduled program! :) It's 12:30, and I'm off to bed. Not exactly midnight, but pretty good! :)

Maybe you want to hear me bitch and moan?

Or maybe you don't! And that is totaly fine!!! Or maybe you don't want to read my personal rambalings and realize I'm a mess.

That's why I decided to do my personal life complaints in a separate post. I want you my followers to be able to skip it if you want, but still be all caught up on everything else. Does that make sense? Skip it if you want, it's personal and it is not required reading... haha :)
Also, it's a separate post because I don't want it to come off as excuses... because my stress is NOT an excuse for sabotaging myself like I did!
This blog has been about my weight loss journey, as well as my life. It is like my journal and has become a place where I can vent and get it all out. (Giving Ray a huge break lol) So I just want you to know what's going on in my life lately. So it is separate from my weight loss struggles, because let's face it. My life is stressful and it's not going to be any less stressful anytime soon! I CAN NOT turn to food every time something goes wrong.
So feel free to skip this one!

I am feeling kind of sick... kind of feverish. Maybe that's why I feel so... unemotional right now. Or maybe it is just my crazy bad mood swings... But all these things that have caused me so much stress over the last few weeks, don't really even seem important right now. I mean, they ARE important, but not so overwhelming that I can't handle it... So I think I'll just kind of list them, and not get emotional about it like I normally would.

Yeah, a 'matter of fact' list might be just what I need... It may look cold, but it's a way for me to get it all out. And a way for you to be caught up without me doing a 10 page post too... I'm sure as time goes on, I will have to deal with some of it and will do more emotional or detailed post about some of it... but today it's just time to get it off my chest. Nice and quick like.

Last week Ray's Mom started stressing about whether or not to retire. She is constantly thinking about it, not sure what to do. She has one more month to decide. She is talking about it whenever we see her. Even called here and cried about it. Part of the problem is that she raised her boys to depend on her for EVERYTHING and now 2 of Ray's brothers do. That's how she raised them... But I can't tell her that. I feel bad, but I don't know what to do for her... It's stressing Ray out...

Lat week Ray's Dad called his mother, and left his phone number for Ray to call him if he wants... I have very strong opinions and emotions about this- but for now we'll just stick with the facts: He hasn't seen Ray in about 20 years, since he was a young boy. He never tried to contact him before. Now he is divorced and all of a sudden calls ray's mom and has a really long chat... I will not go into what I think of this situation or this man. I don't want him in our lives- I don't want to see Ray hurt. Again.

Ray's brother just got out of prison last month. After serving his latest term, 14 years. He stays less than 10 minutes from here. He is not someone I want around, maybe if we didn't have a son- but we DO. So I am hoping he doesn't contact Ray, and that Ray doesn't decide he wants to contact him. I think one of Ray's brothers has been talking to him, but He has no contact with their mother. (Ever since he tried to kill her when Ray was little.) So I am keeping my fingers crossed that I do not have to deal with this.

Money Problems, bad money problems. of course.

Thanksgiving is comming up. We have it at Mom's (my brothers) but I have not been there in months, because I don't want my son exposed to weed anymore. They don't respect how I am trying to raise him so we haven't' been over there. I am expected to be there, and will have to have a talk with my brother about no one getting high while we are there. It could go a number of ways...

My grandmother is having major surgery in about a week. On my birthday in fact. She disowned us all about 3 years ago. (a long story, her daughter took over her life ect.) I don't want to have anything to do with her or her evil daughter. But what if she dies? Will I regret not speaking to her... or even sending her a card before she goes to the hospital? Will I feel bad about that for ever? Or maybe I won't care. Don't know.

Margie and Bruce's death... effected me more than I ever thought it could. I can't explain how sad I was, am. It Left me so confused. Broke my heart. made me question the point of this life and all of our struggles...
Before Margie died, October already had a shadow cast over me. It is the 1 year anniversary of my cousins death. She was only 1 month older than me when she died last year. 28 years old. Her name is the same as mine, Tina Marie... I loved her very much. She died of an overdose. Heroin. All alone in a motel room. It hurts to even think about it. Hurts to think about how she looked in her casket. Right now my chest feels like it's caving in... moving on.

Having serious faith issues. Not sure what I believe anymore... and it is really sad to me. This started last year, and got worse when Tina died at the same time I was trying to figure it out.
(Some day I will tell you all about her life, and how the belief I always had that 'God never gives you more than you can handle' was shattered in to a million tiny pieces the day she died.)
My doubt in my faith gets worse and worse... and now I don't think I believe in a lot of the things I have my whole life. I'm not sure how to deal with that... I have no idea what to do about this.

Ok, these are the main things I think of daily that have been overwhelming me. Other things like my house being a mess right now, or gas prices, or the computer breaking as soon as I finally got my car back... these are little, these are just inconveniences, but they do add to my already fragile mental state.

It's times like this when one of my worst fears haunt me.
I get depressed, but it's not often I get this bad. I think this may be the worst time I have ever had with mood swings... Well, in a LONG time anyway. It's not often that I feel I can't really control my emotions, where I get so overwhelmed with things that I pretty much give up... and it makes me feel I am like my mother. This only makes me more depressed and stressed out. Over the years she has been diagnosed with Manic depression, OCD, and Bi Polar... but I figure her doctors are all quacks and most of it is in her head. Excuses to not have any responsibilities...
Then I get like this and feel like a failure... and wonder if I'm going to end up a selfish bitch like her...

If you have stayed and read all this, I don't want you to worry. I'm not in a corner crying all day or anything.
I think my son is oblivious except my temper is a little short... But we're ok. I think of most of this when I'm alone. I rarely cry, but it's at night when I do. I had been letting him play xbox more, just so he wouldn't catch on... he was happy but I know that's no good! We have been watching movies/ shows on netflix and that time with him I do forget everything else :)
Once this week, on my worst day, I did start crying while making dinner, but he didn't see me...

I know it could be worse. It could ALWAYS be worse. I also know we all have bad days... but I'm just tired of having all bad days...

Well, to make sure I don't get to emotional and start writing a whole fricken novel right now, I better get going! Now that I have my computer back, and am getting back on track, I am very hopeful that these feelings will pass and everything will go back to 'normal.'

Friday Weigh In and Catch Up

And the scale says...

279.8

That is a gain of .6 pounds

Making my Total loss 40.2 pounds

My Treadmill Totals for the week:

46 minutes/ 1.79 miles

I know... pathetic

It might sound crazy, but I'm ok with that. Except for last Saturday, I did really well this week. I wasn't very hungry at all, didn't snack much, and I think I did good. Thursday night I did end up snacking on a few things... maybe it would have been a loss if I hadn't done that... No fast food (until last night, after weigh in Ray and I had pizza). I only got on the treadmill 3 days... last day being Monday! So that's not good. Over all I did ok.

One thing I didn't do, is use my grief as an excuse to binge all week. So I think it shows I have made a lot of improvement since I started. I honestly thought about it, but I know Margie M wouldn't want me to. Instead I wasn't even hungry most of the time, so I'm thankful for that.

I haven't done my own blog since finding out about her... to be honest I haven't wanted to. I thought about not doing if anymore... but I do think it's helped me a lot. I have kept up with all the blogs I follow and tried to leave comments. Even if I haven't commented lately, I'm still reading :)

On top of not wanting to write, I just couldn't really think of anything else this week besides Margie and Bruce and what happened. It's still hard for me to believe and accept.

Margie's daughter has been so kind in keeping us updated even in her time of grief. I'm sure she'll never fully know how much we all appreciate it. Her last post was to let us all know they are back home safe, with the RV and Bruce and Margie's little dog. She does the posts on Margie M's other blog found here: http://www.bruceandmargiesfulltimejourney.blogspot.com/ It's so incredibly kind of her to think about their followers and blogland friends.

A new week:

I did have 3 slices of pizza last night, which I know isn't good. But I am not mad about it, I hadn't ate much at all yesterday, and I know I will have a great week anyway. I'm not going to let that get me down, and I'm not going to take until Tuesday to get back on track, I'm back on track right now.

I started off on a good note and did Crunches yesterday. 5 sets of 20. I'm going to really try and make crunches habit along with treadmill. Maybe every other day for the crunches? Or whenever my belly isn't feeling over worked? I like the 5 mile a week goal for the treadmill, so I'm going with that. Also allowing myself ONE day off without feeling bad about it. Which was yesterday. I'm also going to keep weighing myself over at the weight loss tracker. I haven't for a few days, but back to daily now. I think it helps.

Not much new with me. Finally gave in and had to turn the heat on yesterday. It was 40 and I was cold.

The car still isn't fixed.

The Internet is slow- but at least it's working. All of a sudden we have cable (we already pay for basic, which is only up to 31 and none of the kids channels or good stuff) so that's cool. It's missing a few like my court tv, but that's ok lol. I figure it won't last long, I don't even know why we have it. They owe it to us anyway with how expensive they are and how shitty the service is... so whatever.

I had my family over for dinner Wednesday. I never see them anymore, except when I get my brother to give me a ride lately. They didn't stay long. I know it's because I don't allow weed in my house anymore... and a whole hour is a long time to be without (rolling my eyes) but it was nice to see them. The middle brother couldn't make it, he's pretty busy with work and some more schooling.

I have been going to bed at a decent time every night (except Thursday, probably why I snacked) and last night was at 10:30. I was up at 7 this morning when I COULD be sleeping in! Ray is at work, and my son is... gone! He actually spent the night at a friends house last night! He's 12 and this is the first time he has done that. He used to stay sometimes with his cousin at my Grandma's, but she disowned everybody about 3? years ago. (story for another time) He used to stay at my Mom's (my brother's) sometimes, but not since I put my foot down and said he's not allowed over there anymore... so it's been a while since he's stayed the night anywhere. Ray is more nervous, but I am happy :) He is such a shy kid, and being an only child he just has us all the time. Which I love, but I worry about him. He's perfectly happy just hanging out with us or playing video games by himself, but I always wish he had friends, or would go outside and play... I was SO worried about him starting middle school, but it seems like he likes it. This year is going well for him so far, and he seems like he's getting more social and now he actually went to a friends house! :) So yeah, I'm happy about it.

I think that's about it. I am getting pretty sick of not having a car. My brother said he would take me to the laundromat today, but he probably forgot. I don't want to go today, since it will probably be crowded on the weekend... but it's his day off. So I'll call around noon and wake him up to remind him. He only works part time, but can't be bothered to get up before 1pm on days he works... ugh. You know last winter when they didn't have a car, I was taking him AND his girlfriend to and from their jobs, AND where ever else anyone over there needed to go. In the snow. I had to go get her from work at 11:30 at night, ON TOP of bringing Ray at 4am. They would even wait till the last minute sometimes and call "Katie needs to be to work in an hour." After telling me she didn't need a ride... Did I complain??? NOPE. But now that I don't have a car, no one even asks if I need anything. Not ONCE. Even though I have a child, and groceries don't grow out of my ass. Even though I brought them all everywhere. Even though they have 2 vehicles, between the 4 people, 3 of which don't work... Ray's Mom is the one that asks if we need anything. Ray's Mom who works full time, and lives across town. She's the one who brings Ray to work at 4am. Ugh... I could go on, but I guess I shouldn't. No use thinking about it, it only pisses me off.

Anyway, today might suck... it sounds like it's raining out too. BUT once laundry is done it will be good. I just wish I could get it over with... I'm sure he won't get here till about 3. Bleh.

Anyway, I'll try and get back to posting like normal.

I hope everyone has a good day. And I will try my best to also :)

I Faked It :)

One thing about posting everything the next morning, is I am getting very forgetful. It makes for a shorter post, so maybe you all are happy about it lol :)
WELL, I remembered stuff, so this is a long one haha!

I completely forgot to tell you about how well I did "Faking It!" When my brother helped me at the laundromat yesterday, he tried his best to force me to go to Burger King with him, as it was right across the street. Do you know how long it's been since I had Burger King? I would have to check, but my guess is about 3 months. He said "You want some Burger King?" I immediately thought of this post from Margie M. "No." I said, which was a lie. I wanted a whopper! He said "You don't like whoppers?" I said "Yeah, but no, I don't need any." He may have thought it was because of money, and he says "They have lots of stuff on that dollar menu." NO thanks I tell him. "Why? Have you eaten yet? What are you going to eat?" He demanded. A sandwich or something when I get home... "Are you sure?" haha, he would not give up! "Yeah I'm sure. I'm trying to stay away from the fast food." SO he finally gave up. He said "Oh, well that's good I guess." haha, which means "Awesome Tina! But now I have to go pig out by myself." haha, I know that's what he meant :)
We even joked about it when we got home. Ray was here and my brother told him how he tried to force me to eat it and gave me the 3rd degree. I said "Yeah, he pretty much shined a flashlight in my face and demanded to know why, and what I would be eating. He tried to drag me out the door..." LOL :)
So yeah, I was proud of myself.
If I hadn't just read that post I think I would have given in and had it! Seriously!!! Thank you Margie M!!!

That was Monday.

Here's what I ate yesterday (Tuesday):
Coffee: 61
Breakfast: 470
1 waffle with Lite Syrup, 1 egg, 1 sausage patty
Lunch: 573
1 1/2 cups left over tuna helper with 3/4 cup peas, 1 cup ff skim milk
Dinner: 410
1 cup rice, 1 cup stir fried veggies (w soy sauce), 1 slice lightly buttered whole wheat toast, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 269
.7 oz almonds, 1.1 oz honey roasted almonds
Snack: 160
1/2 cup cookies and cream ice cream
Total Water: 44 oz
Total Calories: 1943
I did well for breakfast, that story goes a lot like the one with my brother. Ray made breakfast, all I wanted was a waffle and a sausage patty. Then he says he's making eggs even though I didn't want any, I gave in and told him ONE. Then he goes to put in 2 waffles, and I said "I only want ONE." But he did 2 anyway. He gets it done, and made me TWO eggs also. Then he made his toast. I took ONE of everything, and stuck to the plan. SOOOO he ended up with 3 eggs, 1 waffle, 2 pieces of toast and a sausage patty. LOL, maybe now he'll listen to me next time!
I was busy all day, and didn't have any snacks. By dinner I was starving. I over ate, and was full when I was done. Not stuffed, but full.
Later I got the munchies and decided on almonds. I still wanted ice cream, and had some. Only 1/2 cup though. Then I wanted chips! So... I went to bed :)
I am proud of myself but also know there are a few places I could have cut calories here. For sure.

Treadmill: 31 minutes/ 1.15 mile, Incline 1. (Over a mile Woo Hoo!) A Biggest Looser Walk
Days in a Row: 4

I was sure this morning would be a gain, since I snacked late last night. Also because of all the sodium in soy sauce. BUT I'm at 279 :) One more pound to go to hit my goal Friday. I'm also weighing myself earlier than my Friday weigh ins, just so I don't forget I do it as SOON as I get up. So I am confident I will be at 278 Friday :) Woo Hoo!

The car isn't fixed, they worked on it 3 or 4 hours and it didn't work :( They are going to try again today... I'm not sure what will be different, and when I asked I still wasn't sure! The friend is a mechanic, so I figure he knows what he is doing. But I'm not getting my hopes up. I started getting stressed last night, but feel good now. (walking???)
Just keeping that serenity prayer in mind. There's nothing I can do about the car, so I'll concentrate on the things I CAN do. And concentrate on the good :)

Oh!!! Picked up the cookie dough... yes. I said COOKIE DOUGH. I am going to have to be very careful! I feel fine though :) I have my goal in mind and it will keep me on track....
till Friday! Bwah ha ha!!! ... just kidding :) It will be a little harder after Friday, but weighing in every day will hopefully help keep me on track and not eat half the cookies! (AND the other half of raw cookie dough LOL)

Ray just said he is making breakfast again, I'll be good. No matter if he listens or not! :)
Have a great day!

I am FREEZING!

BRRRRR!
It's 35 degrees right now, and I'm cold. I feel bad my son has to walk to school in it. Really bad :(
Yesterday was kind of a crap day. Just one of those days I guess. I just feel like... why does everything go wrong ALL the time? I mean, I can see the phone getting fried in some freak electrical thing that didn't effect anything else lol. I can see having the dryer not working and having to go to the laundromat. I can see the car breaking down... but ALL OF IT AT THE SAME TIME? Why? AND after I just fixed the damn car, spending ALL the money we had saved? I don't know, I'm just tired of it, you know?

Also, When the car was out of service a couple weeks ago, no one in my family called once to see if I needed anything. Now that I have been without it again, for a week? Nothing. Do they think I just pull groceries out of my a**?
Ray's Mom has been nice and asking if we need anything, but she works, runs her other kids around, and lives across town. My Mom doesn't, and doesn't, and lives 7 minutes away. Whatever. I had to ask her to bring my son to school for camp and pick him up, which she did. Now today I have to do laundry, I asked my brother if he could bring me to the laundromat, to dry my clothes. He said yes, but I can tell he isn't happy about having to get up before noon (at 11:30am). Whatever. My Mom said she'd come get us later for my sons doc appointment, I'll ask her if she can run me to the store after. I'm sure she'll be fine with that.
It just sucks. I hate having to depend on others. And winter will be here before you know it, I hate my son having to walk to school. I hope we can get the car running soon, but it doesn't really look good. Ugh.

Here's what I ate Yesterday:
Lunch: 630
1 Chicken Wrap, 1/2 cup black beans and rice, water
Snack: 130
Fiber Plus Bar
Dinner: 504
1 cup tuna helper, 1 slice whole wheat toast (plain), 3/4 cup Veggies (fiesta mix, frozen) 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 136
Apple slices (80 grams) 1 tbs peanut butter
Total Water: 33 oz
Total Calories: 1510
Not to bad. I didn't really care for the peanut butter with the apple. But hey, now I know :) Got in some fruits and veggies, so that's good. Not as much water as I would like. I try for at least 40 oz. The more the better.

I'm off to wash about 6 loads of laundry to take to dry. Yuck. The plan is for my brother to come hang out here with Ray, while I use his car and go to the laundromat. What fun.
At least I'll be warmer once I get at it huh? Bleh.

Let's end on a good note: At least it's not raining!!!! :)
And with all this laundry, I'll definitely be getting in exercise today! (laundry is upstairs, washer is in the basement. Up and down 2 flights of stairs all morning for me!)
Oh! I went to bed last night at 10:30!!!!! CRAZY!!! :)

I hope you all have a good day :)

My 5 Words

The 5 words I picked were for the award in my last post.

I wanted to elaborate on it, 

because I thought a lot before settling on one.

Yesterday's Gone, Live for Today

 This applies to my weight loss journey,

Because I have tried to think this way,

I no longer have 'start over' days, weeks or months.

That has helped me tremendously,

not throwing away a whole week because I messed up.

It applies to my life too...

I was going to say "Forget Yesterday, live for Today"

but I don't want to forget.

Yesterday is what made me who I am,

and if I forget, I will not be me....

and I will repeat the mistakes of my past.

Again, that goes with my weight loss and my life.

Of course I have days
where thinking of yesterday affects me,

gets me down...

But it's part of my life.

I can't change it,

but I can learn from it.

I think this will be a new motto for me,

of course I won't forget the one I've lived by since I can remember

"It Could Always be Worse"

but I like this new one :)

Better. Thank You :)

I actually came on to delete that last post. Something I've never done on my blog, but felt I should. The more I thought about it, the more I felt I should keep my pity party to myself, and just post when I feel better. BUT I can't do that with all the support that is there now, how could I delete that? :)

So I'll just let you know that I feel a lot better today. My eating was ok, minus the last 2 cookies. Ray made us breakfast which was nice. I may have over did it a little with that, having 2 eggs and 2 toast when I should have only had one. I did only have one sausage patty. Lunch was rice and stir fried veggies, it was very good.
I have yet to eat dinner or do the treadmill. But I WILL do the treadmill. Through everything yesterday, I was glad about that- and I want to be glad I did it today too.

I still feel like crap. I still feel depressed. But I don't feel angry, at all. I feel so much better today. When I wrote that, I thought it would take days maybe weeks to come out of the fog I was in. I am so thankful that I do feel better today.

Over at Colenic's blog, A Smile a Day, sometimes she has a list of the things that made her smile. I thought of that today, and it really did help me. So lets push all the bad aside, and here are some GOOD things.

My son is going to camp for the first time on Wednesday with school. I am excited, nervous, and counting the days with him :) My step dad stopped today and looked at the car, but mostly to bring him a nice duffel bag with wheels, from my brother to use. :)

The car sputtered Friday when I was done grocery shopping, but it started and got me home. So it is here in the parking lot, instead of at the grocery store with a bunch of food in the back seat!!! :)

I won a $125 Visa gift card from Happy Fun Pants review blog the other day! It will be here in 6 to 10 weeks. I might forget my then, and it will be a huge surprise all over again lol. :)

My cats seem to be better since we put more neck stuff on them, except the little one. I sprayed her with the last of the spray and I think it is working great. I'll just have to buy the spray and use it on all of them once a week till the problem is GONE. A pain but cheaper and worth the hassle :)

I watched the The Abyss episode of Blue Planet with my son today. He loves that stuff, and it really took my mind off everything. Have you ever seen footage of the deep sea abyss??? If not, you should. Truly creepy, but mostly amazing stuff :)

I am addicted to a few facebook games, which may be bad... but it takes my mind off things, I guess it's an escape? Sooo maybe this shouldn't be under the good things at all lol. BUT the cheery music and happy things make me smile :) It's better than turning to food.... or crack... right???? :)

My best friend had her baby :) Her first (and only according to her) and she is beautiful. She called and it was soooo nice to hear from her. . We keep in touch through the Internet, but we never talk on the phone. So that was nice. Even though we are broke, I'll have to find a way to send a little something :)
I'll do another post on this, and get you a picture soon :)

I forgot to mention I saw another old friend in the store about a week and a half ago. She gave me the hardest hug ever :) we only talked a few minutes, but it was really nice :)

I feel even better now that I wrote all this. I may take a little break from my blog so I can keep up with everyone else's, and sort some things out... I still feel pretty drained and a little sick and tired, but wanted to let you know I am better already :)

Thank you everyone for your kind comments. And even with no comments, thank you all who read and visit me in my day.
I started this blog thinking I might not have any followers (I'd hoped you would Tessa! lol) but now I just feel so much love and support. From all of you who have EVER left a comment. Thank you so much :)

Have a great week!!!

Suprise! Another Sh*t Day for Me... oh wait, that's nothing new.

My luck is back to being bad.

I'll take this time to warn you, this is not a fun post. AT ALL. I'm angry, sick and tired. There is language that may not be suitable for sensitive viewers. I won't blame you at all if you skip this one. It is not my usual self, the one that tries to stay positive and says "It could always be worse." It's that other girl, the one who usually stays away, the one that is sick of being shit on. My Life SUCKS is the main plot point, so please don't read if you don't think it would be good for you.
Believe me, I wish I could skip it!!!

The last few days I tried not to let stress get to me. I concentrated on the good and what I am thankful for. I really thought my luck was changing for the better. I really did. And through the chaos all around me, I was doing my very best to stay positive. I had just spent hundreds on my car, leaving $9.64 in my bank account, but at least my car works right???
WRONG. Now my car won't start at all. Not even with a jump.
As you may know, Ray's work shift starts at 4:00 am. No buses run at that time, and we HATE to ask anyone to bring him, but now we will have to.
It sucks.
I feel like shit.

The cats have fleas again... or still? Spent a bunch of $ on that crap too... and now it seems it didn't even work, we thought it did, but obviously not.
It's time to take some laundry to dry at the mat again, since my piece of shit dryer doesn't work... but my piece of shit car doesn't work.
Summers ending, so all the worthless piece of shit neighbors feel they have to go out and act as ignorant as possible day and night, before it's cold and they will have to be cooped up inside. Trying their best to prove who's more ghetto. Fucking morons.
There were gun shots twice this summer, VERY near my house. But I didn't see ONE drug raid... that's a first! It's been YEARS since there was a whole summer without at least 2 raids in our view. So maybe I should be thankful for that huh? It's most likely because they have cut law enforcement so much that the swat team just doesn't have the man power or the time anymore. But hey, lets spend $30,000 on a new statue down town, just to be spray painted and shit on anyway...
Ugh, I better stop now before I start writing things I'll regret later.

I know money isn't everything, but we are trying to save to get all this bankruptcy behind us. Then we would be able to move forward, and maybe get the hell out of here!!!! How the fuck is that supposed to happen when every time I turn around something else is going wrong!?!??

I know there are bigger problems than mine, but I'm tired. So tired of everything. I'm tired of everything always going wrong. No matter how positive I try to be, today I just don't have anything left. I am just drained.

I feel like shit. My eating today was shit. And when I was eating the shit? It made me feel better. Yeah, that's right, it did. Which makes me even more depressed, actually writing that makes me want to cry. BUT I'm to tired for that. I think I've cried more in the last couple months then in the year before that! What's up with that? I never used to cry, and it hasn't helped anything either. I'm now Getting to that point where I'm starting to feel numb. Never a good sign.

Everyone is pissing me off, (except Ray and my son) my inner bitch is dying to jump out at any idiot that says the wrong thing to me. Hopefully my mother is VERY careful while I'm feeling this way... just thinking about her makes me angry. Just thinking about how she made my life as hard as possible, ON PURPOSE makes me sick.
I guess I'm thinking about her because she actually had the nerve to talk bad about my cousin, and how she let her boy friend around her kids... when she did the same thing! She didn't care about us!!! She chose a man over us every time! EVERYTIME!!!
Do you know that once when her boyfriend was so drunk he couldn't hardly talk, he wanted a hug... instead of telling him no you're drunk, leave her alone- she MADE me hug him. I was crying and saying no, and she forced me. I was probably about 10. After I did it, she wouldn't take us home. So while she stayed there with her boyfriend, I took my 5 year old brother and walked 3 miles home. I probably took care of him and my other 2 brothers all night, maybe even days. That's how much she loved us. Yet today she said "I can't believe she let him around those kids for so long." and also "I shouldn't have kept him for so long either, but he was good around you kids..." WHAT THE FUCK?????
Ugh.... I better go before I start telling more childhood stories, I should start a blog just for that!!! I got a million of them...

I notice people all over facebook saying "fml." And I had to ask to see what that even meant. WELL, after I found out I had to laugh. They were saying FML because they had to work late, couldn't go party that night, or something stupid like that. Give me a break.
Well, that's how I feel right now FML. Some people will probably look at that and say "ah, she don't have it that bad, she needs to quit complaining." Just like I did when I saw it. But like I said, I'm just drained, and have no energy to try and think of the good. It's just to hard right now.

I got on the treadmill. I got on it early in the day and felt so great, of course that was before I found out my car won't start. You know what? I know that if I hadn't done it, I wouldn't now because I just feel so low. I know I wouldn't be able to talk myself into it, so I'm so glad I did it earlier.
Treadmill: 20 minutes/ .76 mile 5 minutes with the weights

I'll have to catch up on my blog roll tomorrow. This may not have passed yet, so Don't feel bad if I don't comment, just know I'm still here reading and wishing the best for you! Maybe it will make me feel better, you all inspire me and I love reading your blogs.
I hope you all have a nice rest of the weekend, I really do.
I know I won't feel like this forever. Thank God.

Worrying is Like... A Rocking Chair?

Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.
-Glenn Turner

I've been feeling pretty good the last couple days. I am really just trying to appreciate what I have and take everything day by day.

My cousin K had a visit from the prosecutor. Pictures were taken of where her daughter found the pills. K said she is being charged with child abuse/neglect. That was 2 days ago, and the kids are still there... so I don't know what's going to happen. CPS still has to make their surprise visit also... I'm trying not to think about it. It may sound bad, but I really just can't handle the stress of it all. Me worrying about it was REALLY getting to me, I just have to let go and hope that whatever is supposed to happen, happens. As much as I love my cousin, whatever's best for the girls is what's important.

My eating was a disaster yesterday. Well, just dinner and after I guess. I had chips and cheese deluxe and a wet tostada for dinner.The rest of the day consisted 1 Iced coffee, Migas for lunch. Snacks were 2 oatmeal creme pies (170 cal each), Special K bar, and 2 bowls of cereal. I didn't drink enough water, probably only 20 oz. I woke up feeling like Sh*t!!! My whole body hurt. I didn't STUFF myself, but just the unhealthy choices and not enough water really made my body feel horrible. I wonder if I used to feel like this every morning?!?!?!?! I didn't think so, but that's how I used to eat everyday, so I probably did!!!! I can't imagine getting up everyday feeling like that....

I did get on the treadmill for 20 minutes/ .78 mile :) 5 minutes with 2 lb weights

Today's eating was better:
Breakfast: 165
Coffee and a Mocha Special K bar
Lunch: 434
Tuna sandwich on whole wheat with 1 slice of pepper jack cheese and hot pepper rings, 1 whole carrot 62 grams, 1 tbs light ranch, Water
Snack: 23
Werther's Candy
Dinner: 495
1 1/2 cups of 3 cheese chicken Voila (frozen meal with broccoli, carrots, corn, pasta, chicken), 1 slice buttered toast, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 245
about 1 1/2 cup frosted puffed wheat cereal with ff skim milk
Total Water: about 30 oz
Total Calories: 1362
Have you ever had Voila? I love it, I've only tried the chicken kind, and the cheese one is the best tasting I think. I was wondering if it would be less calories if I made it myself... like mixed my own veggies chicken, pasta and found some kind of cheese sauce or flavoring... maybe even leave out the pasta. What would I use for cheese flavoring? Any ideas???
I bought regular carrots instead of baby ones. I really don't taste a difference... I think I like the baby ones better. I'll finish this bag and decide :)

Treadmill for today:
13 minutes/ .50 mile
The last 2 days I did it in the morning and it felt SO good. Mostly because it was out of the way lol. Tonight it was just a rush to get it over with and wishing I would have done it earlier! But I did it and that's what matters to me. Definitely have to do it in the mornings though, I like that SOO much better...
I have to admit, I was genuinely AFRAID to take a break from the treadmill. I thought that once I took a day off I wouldn't get back on it! (That's what happened back in April, I got heat stroke and couldn't do it, and never got back into the habit of doing everyday- until now!) But I took 2 days off, and I'm right back on it. I know I'll still get on it everyday. Once in a while I might take a day off, but it won't hurt me, and it will still be habit! I feel pretty good about it :)

I also got extra walking in today. I walked to get my mail (I usually just get it when I'm already out in the car going somewhere) it's about 200 feet away I would guess. I'm going to try and make that a habit too.
More walking in the store, my son and I went shopping in a store I'm not really used to so it was a lot of looking around lol. He spent most of his birthday Money. (he got a bday card/money from my grandmother, I'm pretty suprised, but we'll go into that another time)
We also got just about everything he needs for camp :) Now that that cookie dough is all sold, that part of the stress is over, and he has just about everything he needs :) Now it's counting down the days till he goes, which is SIX. (and then counting the hours until he gets back!!!)

Tomorrow is weigh in, and I should be afraid with how I have been eating and not drinking enough water. But my ring says I lost... My engagement ring is my new weight gauge, and it seems to work pretty well lol. It is VERY loose. Not falling off on it's own yet, but definitely loose! I haven't stepped on the scale at all this week... so I'm really hoping for a loss. Wish me Luck! (it has been good lately, I hope it is tomorrow!)

Have a great night everyone!

It Could Always be Worse

(This post really has nothing to do with loosing weight or any of that)

I feel like the last month was one big test. To see how stressed out I could get without pulling all my hair out and jumping out the nearest window... but now I feel like I passed...
Oh, I still have stress of course. But some of it has been relieved :) And the rest? I know it isn't going anywhere anytime soon. I will have to just do my best to cope with it. And I will try and remember these words that bring me comfort:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Also, I have to remember that it could ALWAYS be worse. I feel that today for sure...

My Mom and Step Dad are living with my little brother, they are struggling and I know they can't afford it, yet they came over today and gave me $20. They said for the cookies OR just towards the price if I wasn't able to sell them and had to pay... that was so nice of them. My middle brother came and also spent $20 on cookies on top of giving my son money for his birthday. He may be better off money wise, but he still didn't have to do that. He doens't even have an oven hooked up right now lol! My youngest brother was going to spend $20, but we had all we needed by the time he got out of work. My family really came through for us today. It was really such a surprise... it was really nice. Even though they are struggling, they went out of their way for their family. I know my other brother would have too if he could have.
Lots of people came through for us today :)

One of those is my cousin K. She came over and also bought $20 worth!
K is a single mother of 3 little girls. Ages 3, 5, and 9. She has been having trouble with her middle child's Dad, always getting back with him and breaking up over and over. He is a worthless piece of trash... On top of that he is a drug addict, and physically abusive to her. Even in front of the kids. I'm always real with her, she knows she will get no bull shit from me, I've told her time and time again that she needs to stay away from him. It's not just her but the kids she has to worry about. I also tell her that I know it's hard, but she has to do whats right for them. That I love her, and will always be there for her, but she knows how I feel about it all.

She is still on and off with him, but more off lately. She just got a part time job last week, after being unemployed for... 8 years? It is hard to get a job around here, so things were looking up. She is also going to school part time.
Well last night she had to go to work, and he came over to babysit. He was high as a kite, on who knows what. He's mostly into pills and his methadone, so he was messed up. Got dropped off and couldn't even keep his head up. She made him leave and then I'm not sure what happened. I guess she must have stayed home from work, because she was having dinner with her daughters when her 9 year old started to imitate how her boyfriend had been acting. She was slurring and rolling her eyes up in her head. Her head was rolling around like she couldn't keep it up... K got really mad, she yelled at her to STOP IT, THAT'S NOT FUNNY! But no one was laughing. It wasn't an act.
She was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance, it was too late to pump her stomach, but they gave her something to help it go through her system faster... she came out of it alright...
She had swallowed 3 white pills. The test couldn't tell what they were... they could have been ANYTHING. When they asked why she took them, she said because she thought they were candy... but when asked HOW she took them, she said with a glass of water. "Do you usually swallow candy with water?" They asked. "No..." So you can read into that what you will...

She is home today, last I knew she was still unsteady on her feet and running into things. But she can talk, and everything else is ok. Child Protective Services will be paying a visit to K's house this week. Of course she doesn't know when, and doesn't know what will happen. She called her 'boyfriend' and told him that was it. That she finally decided her children were more important than him, and it's over. God I hope she is serious this time... I KNOW she is right now, but I hope she is in a month when he begs to come back...

And what if it's to late? What if CPS comes and takes her kids tomorrow? What if they decide to test her, and see that she has a little something in her system from a party she went to a few weeks ago??? What then???
I feel so bad for her, I know she is sick with worry. I also know that she should have stopped this along time ago... so it's hard to know how to feel...

All I know, is that all my money trouble, my weight struggles, all my horrible luck lately... it just seems so... unimportant. This last month my dryer quit, my car broke down, I had to get a tetanus shot when I hurt myself, both my phones quit working the other day, my air conditioner broke last month and we just got the bill for the electric. It's $100 more than usual because the air was on and not working for about 15 hours straight. That bill is now a shut off notice. The neighborhood I live in just seems to get worse and worse... there is more, but you get the point... all this sucks. But really? It's all just inconvenient compared to some peoples problems. It could ALWAYS be worse. My problems are not the end of the world. FAR from it.
If I lost my child? THAT would be the end of the world.

4 Pound Bucket of Cookie Dough...

Ha! That got your attention didn't it!!!
Don't worry, I didn't eat 4 lbs of cookie dough :) I'm kidding around, but underneath it all I'm kind of stressed... and all over cookie dough!
My son started school on the 7th. Not only did we have to get used to him being in middle school and all the new things that come with that, we had to worry about this fundraiser for 6th grade camp that is due Monday, the 20th. WELL, I forgot the first few days, and only told my Mom and 2 of my brothers about it. But then Ray said don't worry about it anyway, his Mom can sell anything at work for sure. So she took it to sell last week, money due this Monday. She came over tonight and he reminded her to bring the paperwork back... she did. Empty. She forgot to sell the cookie dough!!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!
I know it's not her fault, it's not like she did it on purpose or anything. But it sucks. So here we are Saturday night, and I have tomorrow to sell 15 4 LB buckets of cookie dough.... UGH. Everyone I know is poor, not to mention giving them less than a days notice. We were already a little stressed about what we have to buy for him to bring when he goes... now we will have to pay for the trip if we can't sell the cookies... Did I mention we have a shut off notice from the electric company in due in 9 days??? Ugh... I could go on, but I won't.

You know what? I feel a lot better just getting all that off my chest. Honestly, all of a sudden I feel much calmer... I will try my hardest to sell as much as I can tomorrow, and that's all I can do. Ray will bring it to work if he has to, and I'll bring it to school Monday after he gets out... it will all be ok. If we have to pay that's ok, we'll work it out!

Well, that's just how my luck is going lately, why am I even surprised? lol. I can say that this stress didn't make me binge or anything, and it didn't make me go out and buy cookies either :) I did have chips and cheese with my taco soup, that was because of deliciousness not stress ;) but I ok the rest of the day.

What I ate today:
Iced Coffee: (75) about 12 oz with 3 tbs liquid creamer
Breakfast: (90) Special K vanilla crisp bar, and the coffee
Lunch: (665) 1 1/2 cup leftover taco soup over chips and cheese, water
Iced coffee: (75)
Dinner: (460) 6 oz chicken, 1 cup red beans and rice, 1 cup ff skim milk
Total Water: 46 oz
Total Calories: 1365
I waited 10 minutes after dinner to see if I REALLY wanted that second plate, and of course I didn't :)
I had another cup of coffee today, the first I've had 2 in one day. I don't want to make it a habit, but my head ache went away soon after so that's good! I will try using a little less creamer, see how low I can get the calories and still love it.

Treadmill: 16 minutes/ .62 mile 7 minutes with 2 LB weights
Total days in a row: 40 Wooo Hooo! :)
I stepped it up a little to make sure I at least worked up a little sweat :) I had the weights for 7 minutes, and worked those arms! I figure, I'm on the treadmill in my own home, no one is watching... I might as well take advantage of it!!! So I worked it, I looked like those skinny women you see in the mall speed walking with there arms doing all the work lol. If felt good :)

My son was waiting for Saturday Night Live, but he fell asleep on the couch. So I might turn in at a descent time tonight. Ray has the morning off, so we'll see! If he doesn't have anything he wants to watch, and I can stay away from facebook, I have a good chance! lol :) Goodnight everyone!

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

I've been soooo tired. Right now, I am sooo tired.
I don't like not blogging though, then I feel behind when I do come back! Even though it's only been a few days, it just seems like forever.

I'll give you the good, bad and ugly of the last few days. Since I like to end on a good note, we'll mix it up a bit :)

The Bad
The last 2 days have been filled with cake, ice cream and Ray's chicken wraps. All good, and all fine once, and for one day. But no... it's been more than once, for over 2 days.
Still having lots of stress. The car is ok, so that helps a LOT. But now I'm starting to think I got ripped off, and what I replaced that was 'so important', wasn't important at all... if this is the case I will be pissed. I do not have that kind of money! Now we are BROKE and it better be for a good reason...
You know that tetanus shot? Did you know they hurt for days??? LOL, probably, but I didn't!!! And no one told me! So on top of all my muscles hurting from extra cleaning and extra laundry, my arm has been killing me! It's worst at night when I'm trying to sleep. So another reason I've been extra tired.

The Ugly
I had cake for BREAKFAST today.... and yesterday.... I know, not good. Small pieces, but still. That's 2 pieces for 2 days in a row, and now one today. I really thought I had more self control, but obviously I don't.
POP, I have been drinking Pepsi 0 for the last few days, but I also drank 2 orange pops at 170 calories each. Not drinking pop is one thing I was doing well with, and now I ruined it.
I am addicted to stupid facebook games... mainly the Happy Animal type ones. Ugh, I told everyone I would NOT be playing any games on there... but of course I gave into one, which leads to another.... you know how it goes. If you know of a good game rehab clinic, let me know.

Ok, I that's pretty much the worst of it. I won't go into money problems, just knowing I am broke is enough lol.

The Good
I am done with all that. NO MORE POP. There is still a lot of cake left, but I don't even want any. IF I do crave it and can't control myself, I will have one small bite THAT'S IT. But really? I don't think that will be a problem.
Even though I have been eating chicken wraps cake and ice cream, that's pretty much all I've been eating... Maybe that should be in the bad category... but my point is: while I've had a lot of calories, I haven't been stuffing myself full or over eating, which is good. I have written down everything I ate like always, just don't really want to take the time to type all 4 days worth. If you really want to see it of course I will though :)
(I like writing what I eat, because I like seeing what others eat. I'm going to try to blog every night again, then it is easier to include that)
The chicken wraps are gone, that's good.

I don't think I'll gain this week as long as I do well for the rest of the week. As I mentioned, cleaned a lot Saturday and Sunday. I had a lot of laundry to haul to and from the laundromat Friday, and I know have burned a lot of calories.

My house is nice and clean :) I'm not the best house keeper, but right now the house looks great. It always makes me happier when the house is nice. I just have to make sure I keep it this way. It will help me stay happy AND cleaning is work! It will help me burn those extra calories!!!!

I have stayed on the treadmill. Sunday night after the party, I was exhausted. I fell asleep in the chair and woke up and headed to bed. Then I realized I hadn't done the treadmill! Ugh... I did NOT want to, I just wanted to go to bed. But then it would ruin the streak I have going :( I couldn't do that!!!! So I got my shoes and socks on and my water bottle and got to it. I was sooo tired, and ended up giving up on it after 7 minutes. Maybe you think that is cheating, but I don't :) I got on it, maybe not long at all, but I didn't break my habit. 

Here's what the treadmill looked like the last 4 days
Friday: 16 minutes/.61 miles, Saturday: 7 minutes/ .26 miles, Sunday: 16 minutes/.62 miles, Monday: 16 minutes/.62 miles
Total Days in a Row: 35
Because of my 7 minute walk, I now have to do at least .62 miles per day to tie last weeks total. I can and I will :)

So I've been staying positive, even though I'm still stressed. My son's Bday was good for a little time to forget all that, but I have to be able to forget all the stress while NOT forgetting to keep my eating in check. It's hard, but I'll get there.
For now it's back to normal. I'm going to concentrate on what I'm eating, eat slow and make better choices. I may have started the day out wrong with the cake... but it's only 9:48am. I'm not throwing the whole day away, another way I WILL be able to loose the weight this time. No more "Well I already ruined today, or this week, or this month even!" That was what I used to do EVERY time before this year. This isn't every time, this is the last time. So I won't beat myself up over the last few days, I'll just move forward. now that summer is over, I won't be faced with all the family gatherings. (that I FAILED at all summer!) I hope I can be strong and make better decisions the next time.
In fact, my birthday is next... so I'll have to give that some thought.

I hope you all had a great weekend, and here's to a great week ahead!!!