Must... Have... COFFEE!

Hey everybody :)

Let's get the last few days out of the way shall we?
Since Friday, I have been getting little sleep. I have been snacking way to much. And have been feeling very guilty over spending money on fast food. I have been ok, just a little stressed, but not really depressed or anything. Just a lot of little things all together weighing down on me...
I did write down what I ate... but didn't record it here. Which was a HUGE mistake, and I already know better! The minute I decide I'm not writing it here, I start eating worse...
It didn't get to bad, no complete binging... but a lot of snacking, and giving in to things I just didn't need... things I didn't even really want! Like chips and cheese, a sandwich in the middle of the night... Other than that the food was pretty normal for me, no over eating really, just EXTRA snacking. Mostly to much snacking at night when I'm up till 4 in the morning. The low point? Ray and I actually got Taco Bell at 1:30am Sunday Morning (Sat. night). That is SO BAD, to actually leave the house to go get it too? An old habit I hoped to never see again!

BUT all that is over. Except the fast food problem... But that will be over soon I hope...
Back to normal, and back to recording it!

Yesterday was a busy day. I didn't eat much, but we did have pizza for dinner. We had a quick dinner, I had 2 peices and it was my lunch and dinner.

Then off to my son's first band concert!
I know it makes no sense, but doing anything like that really stresses me out. So that too was weighing on me all week... but once I was there of course I was fine.
I was a little annoyed when my son told me that they weren't going to be doing Christmas songs, even though the other grades were... why you ask? Well, because there are so many bad kids always disrupting the class so they didn't have time to learn everything they were supposed to. WTF? That's F'ing ridiculous if you ask me!!!! The teachers need to grow a pair and take care of these kids... kick them out of the class!!! When I was in school, Band was... well... full of band nerds. lol no offense to any band nerds out there! But they really pushed band last year, EVERY kid had a meeting with the band teachers to see what instrument they would be best for ect. I was putting him in band before they did all that... I guess that made other kids that normally wouldn't do it, go ahead and do it. Maybe thinking it would be an easy class??? I don't know, but this is the largest band class they have ever had- and I hope they don't wonder why! To me it doesn't matter, kick the little trouble makers out of band so the ones that WANT to be there can learn! Damnit!

Count to 10...

Ok :) I'm back.
Back to the concert. It ended up really nice :) I enjoyed myself, and I could tell my son did also. My Mom and Step Dad came too, so that was nice. Here is a little fun piece they did. It was cute lol.

He's in the middle, the kid that looks like he could be my son lol. 

After we got home, I had a very little piece of this crazy "s'mores pizza." Not long after, I started getting pains in my stomach. They really hurt! I don't know if they were from that weird s'mores thing, or what. All I know is, I am soo glad that it waited until AFTER I got home. Without being too graphic, I spent a lot of time on the toilet... 

This morning wasn't any better. By the time I went and picked up Ray, I felt a lot better though. He wanted a frappe from McDonald's, so we stopped on the way home... and I ended up with 2 egg McMuffins also... I know, great nourishment for sick people right? Bleh... it sure was good though! But that's the last time I will have fast food for a while. I just feel so guilty over spending the money! Ray is getting so many more hours since it's the holidays, so bigger checks, and it's hard for me to say no when he wants to spend it on... shit. He worked for it... but we have IMPORTANT stuff to spend it on... anyway, even if he does get fast food, that doesn't mean I have to. And I am not going to!!!

I forgot to weigh in this morning before I ate. So AFTER I had 2 egg McMuffins, some water and a whole LARGE Frappe, I weighed almost a pound less than yesterday. I wonder what I weighed before I ate! But I know that it's only because I was probably severely dehydrated from my stomach thing, and not drinking enough water lately! But mostly the sick stomach.

I'm getting in my water today though. It's not hard because I am actually thirsty today!

Ray's birthday is Tomorrow. The big 30 :) We're having family over Friday for dinner and cake and everything. Probably some drinking, we'll see. None for me if my stomach still feels like this.. and Ray is actually comming down with something different than mine. Him and the boy have soar throats and aren't feeling great :(

So anyway, I have to get this house cleaned. We got the tree up and decorated, but I have to get the rest of the Christmas stuff put out too. Even though I feel a little weak, I feel good other than that. AND I've rested up. I went to bed at 10 last night! So even though I wasn't feeling well, I got a lot of sleep, about 8 hours total. So I am awake, and now just have to pry myself away from the computer! And get at it!!! And keep drinking coffee!!!!

Because...

At least that's what my paper towel says!!! :)

And paper towel never lies!!!

Friday's Food Disaster

It seems to me that EVERY Friday after weigh in, I never do well with food. Maybe it's the relief and knowing I have a whole week ahead to fix whatever damage I do? I don't know, but being Friday AND coming off my birthday both probably contributed to this disaster of a day.
I started off ok, I felt nauseous a lot of the day and wasn't really hungry... So all I had was vegetables for dinner. I was feeling ok with my day.
Then I started feeling better, FINALLY at about 8pm. And the munchies kicked in...
No excuses though, I could have used a little will power... could have made better choices! There is no reasonable explanation to why I would eat all this.
So lets get this out of the way and move on:

Yesterday's Food:
Coffee: 50
1/2 cup with 1 1/2 tbs pumpkin spice creamer
Lunch: 590
4 hard shell tacos, 1 bite of rice, 1 bite of beans
Iced Coffee: 55
1/2 cup with 1 1/2 creamer
Dinner: 55
1 1/2 cup boiled veggies (frozen mix- broccoli, cauliflower, carrots) with 1/2 tbs parmesan
Then came the snacking :( Binging is more like it...
1 slice of cinnamon raisin bread: 80
1 slice of cinnamon raisin toast with 1/2 tbs cc: 110
1 mini bagel with cream cheese and 8 pepperonis: 340
Veggie chips with cheese and salsa: 250
1 piece of cake:? 1/2 cup ice cream: 130
White Cheddar Cheez its: about 150
1 werthers: 23
This was all between 8pm and about midnight... Why? I really don't know, I have no idea. But even for those 2 weeks I was gone I didn't do this! I over ate a lot at meals, and I did snack a lot... but to just eat one thing after another, a whole new snack every 20 minutes... I am so disappointed in myself.

I am glad I got that out of the way. Even though it is HORRIBLE, I'm glad I got recorded it. Seeing it makes me have to face how out of control I got, and how easy it would be to just do that every day... to gain all my weight back- and then some! Those 2 weeks and this are set backs...
I have really been letting myself down lately... and in doing that, I also feel like I'm letting down those of you who support me... and I feel bad about that :(

I'm glad I got this all down and over with. I'm not going to dwell on it. just try to move forward.

Right Now, surprisingly, I feel great.
I have 6 days left till my next Friday weigh in and I still believe I can loose the 2.6 pounds if I really put my mind to it. My mind is to it right now, I guess the struggle is KEEPING it there.

A Day to Remember

One thing that happened while I was away, was on Halloween. I had my family over, and it was nice. My brother weighed himself on my scale, and was 279. He thinks that is a lot (which it is) but has NO IDEA I weighed that much too! I was at the same weight as him on that day. Now I am more, but that's not the point lol. The point is, someday after I loose a LOT of weight, I will tell him that "back on Halloween 2010, when you weighed yourself and was 279? I was 279 too!!!" Hopefully that will be soon, like maybe Halloween of next year I could tell him that??? :)

I plan on doing my post in the mornings again. That was working well and getting me to bed earlier. These last 2 weeks have been so off, and my sleep has been horrible. Now that I have my car back (I am so thankful for) I am bringing Ray to work again at 3:45am. Oh how I loved to get a nice chunk of sleep in with no interruptions... I have to get used to this all over again now lol. Maybe lack of sleep was contributing to my horrible depression. Well... there is no maybe about it, I know it didn't help anything!!! I HAVE to get back on some kind of schedule! I am going to try and get to bed at a decent time tonight!

Yesterday when I woke up to bring Ray, I felt really sick. I was afraid I was going to throw up. When I got back later that was gone but I had a head ache all day. ALL day. I didn't do the treadmill, but I am allowed 2 days off. I don't plan on taking them, but I'm ok with it if I do... I didn't write down what I ate for the second half of the day till now.
Today I feel so much better, just a slight headache. So hopefully I won't get sick like I was afraid of!

Yesterday:
Breakfast: 110
Slice on cinnamon raisin toast with 1/2 tbs Country Crock
Lunch: 515
Tuna Sandwich on whole wheat, 1 1/2 tbs miracle whip(well, store brand), 1/4 cup cheddar, jalapenos. some veggie chips, 5 baby carrots, 1 tbs light ranch. water
Snack: 245
Cereal- 1 1/2 cup frosted wheat puffs with 1 cup ff skim milk
Iced Coffee: 140
with 4 tbs hazelnut creamer
Dinner: 910
2 servings of General Tso's Chicken (Frozen) and 1 egg role. 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 185
bowl of Veggie chips with a little cheddar
Snack: 280
2 slices of cinnamon raisin toast- 1 with cc, one with cc and honey peanut butter
Total Water: 36 oz
Total Calories: 2385

Can you believe I thought I did ok until I just wrote and added it all up??? Obviously I was wrong. Even without the amount of calories, I over ate and snacked WAY to much.

I'm not beating myself up though, I'm down another 1.2 pounds this morning... I guess that shows just HOW bad my eating was the last 2 weeks! But more important, I feel great. I mean GREAT.

I had a long night, and this morning had one of those dreams that goes on forever... It started with someone shooting me through my bedroom window. I was so scared, I was pretending to be dead so he wouldn't shoot me again. I got up and my clothing was so bloody. I was terrified. But Ray didn't care. AT ALL.  It was in my side, and it wasn't going to kill me... I go down stairs and my Mom and brothers are here, they didn't care either! I'm walking around all bloody and I ask "Shouldn't we call 911?" and eventually I did, but no one was worried or cared. they actually were annoyed that I was making such a big deal out of being SHOT.
Anyway, the dream lasted hours I think.
I woke up when Ray came in at about 11 to wake me. (I didn't hear him get up or anything! Which is weird!) I was exhausted from the dream, and mad at Ray because he hadn't cared about me. But he cuddled with me a little bit, I tell him I love him and thank him for being so patient with me this last week and dealing with my mood swings. Of course he says "you don't' have to thank me." I got up and followed him downstairs. My son is pretending to sleep on the couch lol. I go to the kitchen and Ray has almost all the dishes done!!! I love him so much. He can't realize how happy that made me, how much that helped. Now I feel like I can do the other things that need to be done, get this house back in order...

So now I feel great. I'm having my coffee, and will get on the treadmill and take a shower (which I desperately need!) and will feel even better. It's a LATE start to the day, but no matter. Tomorrow I'll get back on schedule, and get back to keeping the house up (which I was doing so good with before Halloween!) and all will be well :)

Now that I wrote that... I am a little worried at how happy I am! Does that sound insane or what? But I know that this is what happened 2 weeks ago... I was on top of the world, and then it all came crashing down. This would be what my Mom would call her 'manic' phase... I just have to make sure I pace myself, and don't try and take on the whole world I guess! And not let it come crashing down again... I really do feel so good though, that I don't think that will happen. :)

Yesterdays Cookout, WARNING: more Momplaining

You like that? MOMplaining??? Made it up myself. haha... ugh...
The cookout went ...ok. It was us 3, my brother, my Mom, her boy friend, my Dad and step mom. My other brother that lives there left before my Dad and step mom got there! *rolling my eyes* We only see them once or twice a year, so that was nice.

My Mom just gets on my last nerve... I try to just ignore it. She just acts so loopy when people are around. I think it's nerves, but she just talks out of her ass sometimes... a lot of times...
Like she carried on and on about the neighbors fat dog. It is VERY fat, but she didn't have to go on and on about it! We are not blind, we can see it! Since the dog was out peeing, that means the owners were right on the porch somewhere probably listening to her talk about how they must feed it to much and blah blah blah. I finally said "yeah mom we get it." Then she's telling my dad and step mom how her dog only gets a certain amount of people food per day (which is a complete lie). 5 minutes later she tells them how she used to feed her fried eggs and tuna, and can't figure out why she threw up all the time!!! (I recently listened to her tell a neighbor the same thing) I just sit and listen to all this nonsense... I try not to let it bother me but omg, it gets so annoying...
She brought up something that happened 11 years ago with my brothers, and I had to set her straight about how it really went... how it got turned around on me even though I had NOTHING to do with it (another story for another time)
Then she went and got my son grounded. I don't know if I can explain how it went and make sense... He was sitting by me and wanted to go back in (he hadn't been out long) because he was bored. I told him no. He can sit and visit for a while, it won't kill him. So next thing I know he's across the way, standing next to my Mom. After a minute of him just standing there, I asked him "what are you doing." and he didn't answer me. My brother said "probably hoping mom will tell him to go inside." I said "She knows better than that." and my son is just standing there awkwardly... I tell him to come sit down. I planned on him visiting a little longer and letting him go back in... so my step mom asked him something about his summer, and he doesn't say anything... I look at him and I can tell he's trying not to cry. I'm like WTF (i didn't say that) and say "get in the house. No games, no tv." i was pissed off. That is NOTHING to cry about, having to sit and visit his grandfather once or twice a year isn't to much to ask. No one saw that he was about to cry. So I looked like an asshole. So when my Dad is questioning me about it, I have to explain why I sent him in the house. All the while my Mom says nothing. Not when I first asked him what he was doing, and not now. So I asked her "what? he just walked over there?" Then she decides to say that no, she called him over with her finger and asked him "Is your Mom making you stay out here?" and then just let him stand there... Now that changes everything. I got mad. I said "He was fine!" but whatever. She's an idiot. So while I was mad because he started crying about having to sit out there, that wasn't it at all.

He is still grounded, because he is about to be 12 and does NOT need to be crying like a little girl about it. BUT, it probably won't be for as long as I first thought, because now I feel bad because it's my mom's fault. He is already SO shy, and sitting there and answering the occasional question was bad enough, but he could deal with it. And he was doing fine. Then she has him come over and gives him the hope that she will let him go inside (since she has no respect or anything I say). Then when she doesn't say anything more, he stands there not sure what to do, then I draw attention to him by asking what he's doing. Then telling him to get back over here, so then he is  bummed out because he though he was on his way to escaping this outdoor prison of adults, but mostly embarrassed... well that's what I figure anyway. And I figure it's her fault. I figure she is an idiot. Why she called him over? To tell him to go inside... but then decided not to and then... just stopped talking to him? Leaving him standing there kind of lost... I don't know. It's hard to explain. But now I feel really bad knowing that I made the situation worse. I had no idea she called him over there... Ugh, oh well. Like I said, he's still grounded because I don't deal with crying over nothing very well. I've told him before that it's ok to cry if he's hurt, or something hurts his feelings like someone dying... but not just because something doesn't go his way... I'm sticking with it, don't know for how long. I don't mind hearing your thoughts on it either, whether you think I was right, or wrong, to hard on him, or to hard on her... 

I love him so much, and I do feel bad about it. I'm mostly just mad at Mom for ruining a perfectly fine day. Of course I'm sure she has no idea, like always. I am getting so sick of her. Some days it's fine. But like right now- I can't stand the thought of seeing her or even speaking to her. I know it sounds bad, especially to those of you that have lost your mother or have no relationship... but I can't help it sometimes... I am just so overwhelmed with her lately....

Ugh.... anyway. Done venting for now. How about we talk about the food?
Here's what I ate yesterday:
Breakfast: 3 pickle wraps as I made them for the cookout
Lunch: 1 hot dog, a little bit of bbq ribs(about 4 oz?), 3 bbq meatballs, 1/3 cup macaroni salad, 3 pickle wraps, water
Dinner @ about 8:30: Tuna sandwich, 6 baby carrots with light ranch, pickle spear, water
Snack: tortilla chips (about 20?) with salsa con queso
Snack: iced coffee and an ice cream cup
Total water: 73 oz
I did over eat a little at lunch, but not to bad. I thought I did good for dinner, then came the snack attack in the middle of the night. We had come home exhausted and all fell asleep! till about 8:00. that really threw me off.
What I are today:
Breakfast: nothing
lunch: rib tips, french fries, cold slaw and mtn frost pop
Snack: bowl of lucky charms w ff skim milk
total water: 12 oz so far
I'll update this later or tomorrow...
Dinner @ 11pm: 1 frozen burrito, about 9 chips and cheese, roamin salad w cheese, croutons 2 tbs light ranch.
Snack: lg bowl of special K fruit&yogurt
8 more oz of water
I have tried to be in a good mood. It is hard, my son is grounded and bored out of his mind, Ray has to go to work after only having one day off in the last 5 days (which isn't that bad lol, but he's not used to it) and mad because the dryer is acting up. Now I have to stay up and get his clothes done, because he likes to wait till JUST before bed to think about work clothes... and did I mention i am starving??? I am going to try not to give into the huge urge to eat junk and make myself feel better... I REALLY want to go get some taco bell!!!! That would be SO good right now! But I won't... probably won't...
My son wants me to watch a movie with him, so that's what we'll do. A movie I like of course since he is grounded ;)
Just updated the food. Even though the burrito wasn't the best choice, it took care of my taco bell craving for a lot less calories...

Extra Cleaning, and Extra Munchies

Got back from bringing Ray to work and didn't have a head ache, I actually felt great. So I stayed up and cleaned. I was in our room for an hour and a half. Mostly going through clothes, and hanging up clothes, sorting things I will never wear. I have a lot to do, but I put a dent in it :) I have a whole basket of clothes I will never wear, they are not to big, some are to small, anyway- I just don't wear them. I didn't go through the winter stuff... I figure I'll wait and see how it fits then :)
I did dishes, and made dinner, and now I am pretty sore. No crunches for me tonight, no treadmill either.

What I ate Today:
Breakfast very early: (330) Fiber Plus bar and 9.5 oz iced coffee
Snack: (188) 1/2 slice of whole wheat toast with tiny bit of butter and 1/2 tbs peanut butter, 1/2 cup ff skim milk
Lunch: (700?) 2 slices of leftover pizza, 1 bread stick, water
Dinner: (760) 1 bowl of Taco salad, 1 hard shell taco, 8 oz pepsi
Snack: (43) 1 bite of ice cream
Snack: (180) snickers ice cream bar
Snack: (280) bowl of capn crunch
Total Water: 40 oz
Total Calories: 2481
Not the awesome eating I had planned...
I had my 2 favorite things today... tacos and pizza. I did NOT plan that I promise lol. Even though I had a lot of calories, I didn't do to bad with the tacos. Better than I usually do. I knew I already had a lot of calories with the pizza so I tried to do well... but I had a glass of pop too :( Then I got the munchies :(  I thought I was being SO good just having ONE BITE of the ice cream... I was very proud of myself! But I ruined it later when I gave in to snack, then to another. Ugh. Tomorrow will be better!

Yesterday- BAD, Today... BETTER

Yesterday I ate, and ate, and ate some more!!! I wasn't thinking it at the time, but I think I hit rock bottom. I think I was actually back to where I was before Jan 1st 2010. I ate whatever I wanted, whether I was hungry or not. It was HORRIBLE.
I can't even remember everything I ate... as painful as it is, I will try!

Here's what I ate yesterday:
5am snack: Large Bowl of cocoa  krispies ff skim milk
Breakfast: Fiber One bar with 9.5 oz iced coffee
Snack: A lot of pasta salad
Snack: 1/2 cup (only because that's all there was left of) crap salad with 3 large crackers
Snack: large bowl of ice cream
Lunch: 1/2 frozen pizza with light ranch
Snack: iced coffee
Snack: a few tortilla chips
Dinner: about 20 tortilla chips and cheese, 2 cups of taco soup, ff skim milk
Snack: another large bowl of ice cream
Total Water: 40 oz

Ugh, it was horrible. But I didn't think so at the time, I thought it tasted good and I didn't care. WHY? I have NO idea. BUT today I felt awful about it. Knowing that this is the first time I actually feel like I am right back where I started. So today I didn't want to over eat. I want to start over.
I definitely need to improve, but I did better. I went to the store where they sell those cookies I was eating the last few days (the best chocolate chips cookies I ever had) but I walked right by them. I KNEW that if I bought them I would eat all of them.

So here's what I ate today:
Breakfast: Fiber Plus Bar, 9.5 oz iced coffee (which I nursed for about 2 hours)
Lunch: Tuna Sandwich on whole wheat, 7 baby carrots with 1 tbs light ranch, water
Snack: 1/2 cup pasta salad
Snack: about 1 cup of ice cream
Dinner: Romain Salad with cheddar, croutons and 2 tbs light ranch, 2 medium slices of pepperoni pizza (take home and bake from grocery store) water
Snack: Chocolate eclair ice cream bar
Drink: iced coffee
Total water: 40 oz

I definitely need to improve, but I don't feel like it was just mindless eating of the last few days. I am not going to return to that.

If you have been reading what I eat at all, you will know that I used to have these 9.5 oz bottles of Beaumont iced coffee (cheaper but just as delicious version as a starbucks frappuccino) once in a while as a treat. Then everyday. Now it's twice a day an usually with something else sweet!!!! That HAS to stop. ONE a day for now, and with NOTHING. It is a treat by itself and I don't need cookies or anything else with it! I need to ween myself off of those things!!!

It is SOO hot and humid today. I am having trouble staying away from the ice cream. I bought those little freeze pops tonight, and am hoping that will satisfy the cold sugar cravings. Not the best thing, but a lot less calories then ice cream! I know, have to start eating my fruits!!

It is raining right now, which is good. It is bad because there is no way I can get on the treadmill tonight, I would not be able to breath because it is so humid. I swear to you I am sweating just sitting here writing this. But it is good because it keeps all the ignorant pieces of shit that live here inside! I haven't talked about where I live yet... and I'm not going to in detail right now. I just get so angry, these people should be thankful they have somewhere to live- but instead they are out causing trouble, ruining this place. It gets worse every summer. I don't complain often (I think this is the first time since I started this blog) because I KNOW there are worse places to live. Even though I am frustrated with it at the moment, I am thankful to have a roof over our heads believe me. I guess it's because it's summer, and that brings out all the idiots... So even though it's hot and miserable, I am very happy when it rains at night. Keeps things quiet around here. Ok, sorry about that- enough complaining for one night :)

We will probably turn the air on tomorrow, so I will be on the treadmill for sure!!!!

Thanks again for all of your comments on my last post. It really meant a lot to me.

I'm NOT Depressed

I feel good... But tonight I realized my behavior and eating is how it gets when I am depressed... It is 1am and I am just starting my blog, not even sure if I'll go to bed... I can't stop snacking on everything... I buy stuff in the store that I know I shouldn't bring into the house because I will eat it all!!! These are all things I do when I get depressed... but I'm not depressed! Really, I feel fine!

If I were to sit and think about it, of course there is SO much to be depressed about right now... but that doesn't do me any good. I am glad that I don't feel depressed at all... So why am I acting like I am??? I hope I'm not about to go off the deep end soon or something!!!

Well, as far as I know, I am perfectly fine right now and will stay that way. I have to get my eating under control or I will gain all my weight back, then I would be depressed for sure! Today was bad... AGAIN. The only good news is that I got in all my water. Also, all the cookies are gone. (those might have been the best chocolate chip cookies I have ever had!) and I am throwing out the macaroni salad.

Here's what I ate today:
Lunch: chili dog, 8 tortilla chips with cheese and chili, 3/4 cup macaroni salad, water
Snack: 3/4 bottle of iced coffee, 1 chocolate chip cookie
Dinner: chimichanga and 10 tortilla chips with cheese and salsa, Romain salad with 2 tbs light ranch and cheddar cheese, water
Snack: 1/2 cup crab salad with 2 1/2 large crackers, water
Snack: 1/4 bottle of iced coffee with 1 chocolate chip cookie
Snack: 1 cup of mint moose tracks ice cream
Total Water: 40 oz  Plus 10 oz Sobe LifeWater

Total Treadmill: 14 minutes/ .52 miles
I got on the treadmill, wasn't much but better than nothing! It was so hot and humid today, I really didn't want to do it at all!

I think that if I read someones blog and EVERY day they did horrible, and ALWAYS said tomorrow will be better... I might get a little discouraged... and wonder about how much that person really wants it... maybe start to think about whether this person is serious or not...
Well, just know that I DO really want it and am dead serious... I guess it is harder to get back on the wagon than I thought, but I'm slowly making that climb back up... as of now I have lost 32.6 pounds, and I do NOT want to gain again. I know what I have to do, it's just DOING IT that's the problem... before when I would have a bad day or even 2, I could bounce back easy. This time it feels like it has been WEEKS, and it's not as easy... but I will! And tomorrow really WILL be better... thanks for not giving up on me... and I WILL NOT give up on myself.

I'm Back

Not that anyone noticed I was gone LOL. It wasn't for that long, but I've posted EVERY day for a long time, so for me it was :) Blogger wouldn't let me write! When I tried to post it would say "Blogger unavailable at this time. We are sorry for any inconvenience." I thought it was just down, but then saw that everyone else I follow was posting, so it was just me??? Crazy!

This weekend was an eating disaster! Friday night during the movie it started. Saturday the same: I was doing a lot of snacking. A LOT. Doritos and mini chocolate doughnuts somehow got into the house (ok I bought them...) and that was my main problem. BUT I was in a good mood... In fact I was in a GREAT mood. I wasn't eating out of depression or anything. My house was clean, I felt good. I had done the treadmill in the morning and it was out of the way- wonderful! I even went over to my Mom's and did a bunch of her dishes. I don't ever just go over there and do that! But she was having a cookout Sunday for her Birthday and I knew her house was trashed, so I decided to help. She really appreciate it :)

Sunday I stuck with ONE hot dog at the cookout, but managed to over eat anyway, with all the tasty sides everyone brought, I ended up with 2 plates. AND a piece of my Mom's birthday cake. A lot of family was there, it was nice. I brought fruit dip and cut up a bunch of fruit for it. Cantaloupe, grapes, and strawberries. I also brought watermelon, but that I bought already cut up, no room in my fridge for a watermelon lol. Mom sent home some of the sides with us, and I snacked on them instead of all my fruit... I did remember my water so I wasn't drinking pop the whole time. I did have 2 sips of ray's though...

Monday wasn't any better.
It was also my sons graduation dinner. I had to much dinner, and then had cake. That's 2 pieces of cake in 2 days!

Yep, my son graduated the 5th grade... how did he get so old so fast???

Here's a picture of after we got home :)

Is he taller then me??? No... he can't be...

I gotta tell you, I have been so antisocial for a long time, and things like Sarah visiting, cookouts and graduation dinners are very stressful for me. Once I'm there, it's fine. But waiting for them sucks. Hopefully that will get better....

Right after this picture was taken I went and changed into my '1st of the month picture' shirt, and got that over with too lol. So there is a new picture I have to post over in those pages. Of course, it was with the old camera... and I washed the shirt and I think it shrunk a little... So over all, taking my pic in the same outfit every month isn't having the effect I hoped for. Oh well lol.

So over all, these last few days have been good, but eating BAD. The good part? I got in at LEAST 40 oz of water everyday, 70 oz yesterday! The worst part? On top of all the snacking? I didn't do the treadmill Sunday OR Monday. Also, Since Friday, I have not done ANYTHING to this house. If we weren't eating somewhere else so much, the dishes would be HORRIBLE, but right now they are just.. semi horrible.

Today my son had another exciting day :) And he was exited! We had to get up at 5:40am. He had to be at school by at 6:15 for his class trip. They don't get back till 6:00pm. I'm happy he gets do go do that. I hope he has a great time :)

(I won't mention that they waited till the end of the year to cram EVERYTHING into these last 2 weeks. The only down side is all the money they want now at one time! But we won't get into any personal problems right now, a few came up this weekend, but I'd rather just keep it about the weekends good stuff today. The bad eating is enough bad news, no? Money? Bills? This place I live in? That's no fun to talk about lol.)

So anyway. My plan was to get back in gear today. Stop with all the snacking, and get my butt on the treadmill! Get to cleaning too!!! That is still my plan, but I haven't started yet. When I did get up, instead of digging in, I got on the computer. I became addicted to the game Collapse on facebook over the weekend too. I used to be very addicted to this game. On Xbox Live a few years ago I was actually #1 in the world :) I promised myself I wouldn't play ANY games on facebook, but I did... ugh. But I'll keep it to Collapse and Bejeweled... none of those farming, or zoo games that will keep me on it for HOURS at a time lol.

Now I have a head ache, but hopefully it will be gone soon.

I am still sticking to the plan! Especially getting back on the treadmill!!! I feel like I have pretty much wasted about 3 weeks when I could have lost another 8-10 pounds by now!!! Back at it today!!! I want to continue posting what I eat everyday...  I think not having to post it this weekend with the blogger not working may have had a part in all my snacking. I didn't think it at the time, looking back, would I have ate so much if I had to write it down??? Not sure... So anyway, here it is

What I ate today:

Breakfast: bagel with cream cheese and 3 strawberries, 1/2 iced coffee.

Snack: small handful of cinnamon almonds and the rest of the iced coffee

Lunch: 1 cheeseburger, a little bit of: pasta salad, another type of pasta salad, baked beans. Water

Dinner: 2 helpings of broccoli tuna helper, about 3/4 cup of peas, 1 slice whole wheat Parmesan toast, 1 cup ff skim milk

Snack: about 15 cinnamon almonds

total water: 40 oz

Well, bad news. My head ache just kept getting worse. I did some laundry but that's it. The food doesn't look great, but is so much better then the last few days. Going to bed. I feel pretty crappy, and just want to unload a bunch of emotional baggage... but I know it's mostly because I have a horrible head ache, and am so very disappointed in myself. So I won't. I'll go to bed and hope tomorrow is better. If it's not better... get your trash bags ready, because all my emotional garbage will be at your disposal!!! :)

lol, I think going to bed is a good idea, since I can't decide whether I'm in a horrible mood or in a funny mood. Good night. Don't worry, I think tomorrow will be fine, I guess you can put those bags back :)

Sugar Overload

Ugh, I didn't even realize how late it is!!!
I actually had a pretty good day today. NOT my eating, that was HORRIBLE. And I didn't do the treadmill, but not because I was depressed, but because I was gone all day. We went over to my brothers (and Mom's) and had a little cook out and then stayed there a while. We just got back at 11 pm. Our son is staying the night, and me and Ray are about to watch a movie. Hopefully he doesn't fall asleep lol.
I did talk to him a little today about what has been bothering me. Just a real quick talk... and It did help. My mood was kind of up and down, but mostly up I would say.
My food was so bad today. Whenever I go over there it is! BUT I can't blame it on my Mom, she didn't make me eat the burger... I also can't blame anyone else for my Sugar Breakfast either... that was all me. I ate just as bad at home today as I did there.
Here's My Day:
Breakfast: 9.5 oz iced coffee and a Fudge Round *wince*
Snack: Hershey's Nugget
Lunch: Italian Sandwich, 8 baby carrots with 1/2 tbs light ranch
Dinner: Hot dog on a bun, 5 pringles, 9 lays with sour cream and onion dip. Plate 2: more lays and a hamburger on bun. Water
Desert: toffee ice cream bar
Snack: Fudge round
Snack: Hershey's Nugget
Total Water: 56.9 oz
The only good thing I can say is I made sure to bring my water, and drank NO pop. I am really trying to stay away from pop and I'm doing good. So I got in a lot of water, and am still drinking. Oh, and even though I gave in and bought light ranch, I used half as much as usual. Got in some carrots that way...
The rest is all bad. I know it. SO much sugar today, oh my goodness what was I thinking??? I couldn't get enough of it!
Ray is heating up a frozen pizza right now, and I am probably going to have a small slice. SMALL slice. I'm hungry, because it's late now. i know I should have some fruit...

Monday Weigh In

Well, it's not good news. Today the scale said...

That is a gain of .6 pounds since last Monday.

I guess after my self sabotaging day Saturday, I should be happy it's not more!

Of course it is impossible for me to be happy about a gain.

As you probably know, I am in Tessa's Challenge. It was 77 days long, and the challenge was to be the first to loose 24.75 pounds by May 31st. That was an average of 2.25 pounds per week, which I think was a good number. Of course I didn't do that, so here we are! It is down to the last week, and to even reach my goal I would have to loose 10.95 pounds this week... ummm... I don't think that is going to happen lol. That's like Biggest Looser Ranch numbers! BUT I am going to try my hardest to loose as much as I can this week anyway. In a healthy way of course, no starving myself or doing anything crazy :) Just eating less, maybe a little more treadmill if I can. Also trying to snack on fruit instead of junk and my beloved Hershey Nuggets :) I can't get to a 10.95 pound loss, and that's ok :) But I am going to get as close as I can!

Here's My Day:

Breakfast: (100) 1/2 iced coffee

Snack: (50) 1 Hershey's almond toffee nugget

Lunch: Sandwich (2 oz turkey, 8 pepperonis, 1 tbs miracle whip, hot pepper rings YUM), 5 baby carrots, 6 garden salsa sunchips, water

Drink: 1/2 can brisk raspberry iced tea

Snack: (50) 1 Hershey's nugget

Snack: yoplait apple streusel yogurt with 1/4 cup Kashi Go Lean clusters

Snack: (50) 1 Hershey's nugget

Dinner: 2 servings of Ray's Broccoli chicken spaghetti alfredo, 2 slices of whole wheat parmesan toast, 1 1/2 cups of ff skim milk

Snack: (265) .7 oz almonds, .3 oz cinnamon almonds, other 1/2 iced coffee

Snack: (50) 1 Hershey nugget

Total Water: 40 oz

Total Calories:

Not the BEST day... Didn't need 2 helpings of dinner for sure.

I had the munchies and tried to make good decisions. Those chocolates got the best of me... FOUR TIMES, did I mention they are my favorite candy ever? But I am going to try my hardest this week, if I have to have one of those I will only have ONE a day. I have fruit and will be eating it!!!

I had to force down those 5 carrots with no light ranch... was worse then I thought lol. But for this week I will go with out it and see if I don't get used to it :)

Treadmill: 27 minutes/ 1.01 miles   5 minutes of it with 2 LB weights

Still having some pain in my lower left leg. It's under my calf and almost feels like a... pulling feeling? I don't know. I do know that my biggest looser walk is tomorrow, and I hope it doesn't keep me from going the full time!

The Biggest Looser VOTE

First I have to say hello to 2 new faces!  Teresa and Mama Page, Thank you so much for joining me in My Day!

Here's My Day:
Breakfast: (330) Fiber Plus Bar and 9.5 oz iced coffee
Lunch: (397)Tuna Sandwich on whole wheat, 8 baby carrots wit h1 tbs light ranch
Snack: (356) 15 Chips and cheese with salsa
Snack: (140) 18 strawberry yogurt covered raisins (one serving)
Dinner: (310) Meijer Lean Entrees- Thai Style chicken  (Frozen meal, wasn't very good)
Snack: (101) 8 strawberry yogurt covered raisins
Drink: (160) Most of a 9.5 oz french vanilla iced coffee
Snack: (16) 2 strawberry yogurt covered raisins
Snack Very Late: (143) 1.1 oz  of cinomon almonds
Snack 2am: (360)  large bowl of Reese's Cereal with 2% milk
Total Water: 50 oz
Total Calories: 2353
Ice cream and chips... I have been giving in a lot lately. A chips and cheese snack like I had today? I used to have that EVERY DAY, and twice as much. I have to cut that out right now or I will be right back to that point! I checked the tortilla chips for the calories just now, and noticed that it says All Natural and is 140 calories per 11 chips. That's better then the ones I usually have in the house, my usual tortilla chips are 150 per 7 chips! This is the first time we got these, grabbed them at Aldi's. They taste just as good so I'll stick with them I guess! I just can't have them with all the fixins every day!

I feel like all I did was eat all day... I am surprised to see the calorie count, thought it was much worse. I don't know what happened. I started the day off great... it got cloudy and rainy looking outside... I don't know if that did it or what... or if trying to figure out how we are going to pay our bills did it... I don't know. Guess I was just a little stressed today. I'm good now though :) Walking is good for stress I think.

Now to The Biggest Looser. As you may know I take my biggest looser walk while I watch the show every Tuesday. The last 2 weeks I didn't do as well as usual, ever since I got sick I just hadn't worked back up to what I used to do. But that's all over! Today I reached my weekly goal of increasing the distance of my Biggest Looser walk. It was only by .01 from the last record 3 weeks ago, but I am happy with that. :) I was sweating like CRAZY but I felt good!
Treadmill: 81 minutes/ 3.19 miles A New record Woo Hoo!
The Biggest Looser is going to be over next week!!! If you watch it, you know this, and you know that we have to vote to keep one of the 2 bottom people in the race for the title of The Biggest Looser, and a quarter of a million dollars. Through the WHOLE show I was rooting for Koli. He reminds me SO much of my Ray. He acts like him, is really just so much like him... like a long lost twin. Yes, he even looks like him. The same dimple and everything! So obviously he is my favorite....
BUT, then there's Daris. I still love Koli because of Ray, but the one I see myself in is Daris. He holds everything in, and isn't as emotional as some of the others.  Tonight he came back to the ranch and weighed in... +2 Pounds! Oh Daris! My heart sank for him. He did get emotional, and at the end when he pleaded his case to us, my heart broke for him. I saw myself in him more then ever. He went home, and couldn't stick with it. He got stressed, messed up and ate the wrong things... and gained. But even though he messed up, he wants it so bad. Even though he made mistakes, he still deserves the chance to win. Even though he gained 2 pounds, I think he still deserves the chance at a better life.

I mess up ALL the time, (including today) but I know I deserve this. I won't give up, all I can do is keep trying. So that's why in the span of about 3 minutes, I changed my vote from Koli to Daris.
If you want to vote for Daris, the number is: 1-866-492-6801
of course I am fair and have been so attached to Koli that I'll give you his number too lol.
To vote for Ray, er, I mean Koli LOL: 1-866-492-6802

I'll be happy for whoever wins :) I just see so much of me in Daris. He has his whole life ahead of him and I hope he can make the best of it! I hope the same thing for myself. I hope the same thing for ALL OF US :)

What is GOING ON?

I don't know what is going on... everyday I say tomorrow will be better, and something else happens.
Today I woke up with a horrible head ache. I didn't realize it at first, but it IS my 2nd day without pop. So it was probably a caffeine withdrawal. The MAIN reason I have to stop drinking Mtn Dew. The head ache soon turned into a migraine and I was in bed until about 1pm. (except the one time I had to get up and be sick) So it wasn't the perfect start to my starting over, but I did ok...
I was SO HUNGRY all day, I think by over eating (especially yesterday and Sunday) I stretched my stomach back out. Seriously. I was hungry ALL day. I didn't give in though. I grabbed a bag of chips and literally thought "No! What are you doing!" and put it back after 2. I tried to do good with my portions and have some veggies. I need to do better, but I'm ok with how I did today.

As you saw yesterday, I gained 2.8 pounds. Ugh, depressing. The only good thing is that it wasn't my Friday weigh in, so I still have time to fix it before it goes permanently on my weight record! BUT it was still a bummer :( Big time. When I weighed in last Monday, I knew it wasn't really accurate, because I had been so sick. So I figured I hadn't really lost. BUT if I would have done well this week, I could have lost again, or at least kept it the same!!!!
Now Tessa's challenge only has 3 weeks left!!! I can't believe it has gone by so fast! So to get to my target for the challenge I will have to loose 15.75 pounds!!! That would be 5.25 per week... that's a LOT. I don't loose that much per week. I don't think I can do it, but I want to try my hardest. If I come close to that I will be happy. If I try my hardest and don't make it, I will be ok with that. I can't change how crappy I have done in the past, but I can try harder now :) (oh, I'm not even going to mention I am in competition with Emaciated Asphyxiation, I'm just going to pretend all I have to do is get to 271.85 pounds, and am only against myself LOL!!! Less stress that way haha)

I have actually been getting pretty depressed. Being sick and burnt threw my eating all off, and kept me off the treadmill. Later in the week, some of that was just an excuse, no doubt about it. On top of all that, I haven't been doing anything I have to do. It's like ever since Sunday I have been on autopilot. I was just getting through the days... I can't really explain it, I can't really remember most of the week, I can't believe it has been 9 days because it doesn't seem like it... I'm actually going to read my blog entries because I just can't really remember much... it's weird. Just because I was tired and down I guess... I know I had ZERO ambition, the few days I got on the treadmill were forced, but I'm glad I did. I haven't been keeping up with housework either... my house is trashed and that always depresses me.
OH! Today I realized 3 of my bills are late! I never do that! Last week I just didn't do anything I needed to do! Now I gained, and hate the thought of getting on the treadmill. My house is a mess. On top of all that, 3 $30 late fees on the bills I missed, UGH!!!

I guess I just got overwhelmed and shut down... that's the only way I can explain it. It is times like this that I really fear I am more like my mother then I want to admit. I hate it, and it only depresses me more...  I hate this feeling.
I especially hate that I fell back into old habbits that easily... maybe not as bad as before, but I was getting there- FAST.

All I can do is move forward. Tomorrow get started on all the laundry and dishes that are piled up. Ray did start on the laundry for me today, even did a little dishes. I don't know if he felt bad because I had a migraine, or if my mood scared him into it? lol, either way, it helped a lot and I'll get my butt back in gear tomorrow.

Here's My Day:
Lunch: (437) Tuna Sandwich on whole wheat, 10 baby carrots with 1 tbs light ranch, water
Snack: (9) 2 sunchips
Dinner: (590) 1 1/2 cup hamburger helper(with 96% lean beef), 1/2 cup mixed veggies (canned), 1 cup FF skim milk
Snack: (100) chocolate sundae cup
Snack: (260) strawberry frosted mini wheats with 1 cup ff skim milk
Total Water: 35 oz
Total Calories: 1396
I am hungry right now, but I know I don't need anything! It's going to be hard, because I can tell my stomach isn't like was before I started over eating again last week :( I know I can't keep eating though. I am pretty sure I will need that 4 am snack that I haven't needed in a while now... if I have to have one, I will make it small, just so I can go back to bed.

Treadmill: 64 minutes/2.5 miles
Tonight was The Biggest Looser. That show is such a motivation to me. I'm sure it gets old for some people, not me! Maybe because the people on it are actually my size, and to see them work so hard makes me realize I can do more. I try to walk a little more every week on Tuesdays while I watch it. WELL that is another thing I ruined this week. I couldn't go farther then my last record of 3.18 miles. In fact I couldn't even go that far. BUT I will next week :)

Today was OK, Tomorrow will be even better!!!

The Munchies

Today I just wanted to snack ALL day! Ugh! I did watch portions, but just kind of... grazed most of the day. This is something that used to be the norm for me, but not in a long time! Well... at least not in about 4 monthes, which is long for me lol.

Just a little while ago I realized I have to weigh in tomorrow!!! Ahhh!!! I usually weigh in early afternoon. (sometimes a few times a on Friday morning and go with the lowest one lol) But tomorrow I will have to weigh in as soon as I get up and go with that. I have to head out to the yard sale and won't get a chance to weigh in at my regular time :( I'm a little worried... I feel like snacking right now, but I won't. To be down I have to loose at least 1.5 pounds while I sleep... I don't know if that is going to happen. But I'm hoping!

Here's My Day:
Breakfast: (130) Fiber One Bar
Lunch: (450) 1/2 bagel with 1/3 less fat cream cheese and 1/2 cup of crab salad, Water
Snack: (130) 1/4 cup crab salad (all gone now)
Snack: (140) 15 Sun Chips
Snack: (355) 1/2 Donut 1 cup chocolate milk
Dinner: (540) 1 asparagus stuffed chicken, 1/2 cup broccoli rice (from pkg), 4 baby carrots, 1 cup FF skim milk
Snack: (10) 1 slice of apple
Snack: (245) 1 1/2 cup MultiGrain Cheerios with 1 cup FF skim milk
Total Water: 23 oz
Total Calories: 2000
Not enough water today and I SHOULD have been snacking on fruits. I really don't know what got into me.

Can I blame it on PMS?? Please?? I am kind of new to having a regular period... well if you can call it regular, and it should be coming soon... I am having some cramps tonight(TMI?)  The other blogs I read say they crave certain things at that time, so I'm going with that! Maybe it really is the reason for all my snacking...
I can say, even though I was snacking, I wasn't mindlessly eating. I still measured and counted and was paying attention to how much I was consuming. I said yesterday I would be SO proud of myself if I could resist having another donut... well... as you can see I ate 1/2 of one :) I made the conscious effort to get a knife and cut it in half... so I guess I'm HALF proud of myself??? lol... I know I need to do better, but I'm on my way :)
Treadmill: 28 minutes/1.03 miles   with 2 LB weights for 8 minutes
Going to try and get to bed early, since I have a lot to do in the morning. I'm off to loose 1.5 pounds in my sleep! Wish me luck!!!