Grandmother Update

WELL, I feel bad for saying I don't care what happens to her. I still feel I will be fine no matter what happens, but I also know that I do care. I hope she recovers well. I guess I'm still angry about everything that has happened, and I was feeling that yesterday.
She is still at the hospital, I guess she got pretty sick today. I don't know what all drugs she is on, but that may be why. I do know that she is on morphine and feeling no pain.
My Mom called her and she said she sounded ok. Until the end she said "I really don't like this." My Mom said "What, being in the hospital?" Grandmother replied, "All of it. I don't like any of this..." and then she told my Mom, "Things will get better." Mom thinks she means the whole family situation. Maybe she does, but I don't see how it could get better...
I said yesterday that I hope my sons card makes her feel like shit... I feel bad about saying that now.
My Great Aunt did go see her, but she didn't let me know if she gave her the card. Maybe she did? And maybe it made her think about things? I don't know.

I still don't want anything to do with her, but if somehow things could get better and my Mom could have her mother back... that would be great. But with everything that's happened I just don't see how that is possible. Sherry will always be there, and I doubt she will ever have anything to do with Mom (he sister) even though my mother did NOTHING to her. (I know there is 3 sides to every story, but I'm serious. NOTHING) Sherry is delusional, among other things. But most of all she is SPOILED and SELFISH. That's pretty much the reasons behind everything.

Anyway. I just wanted to make sure you know I don't wish her any ill will... But I'm not going to loose any sleep over this. I'll let you know how everything turns out.

Grandmama Drama, and Catch Up

Hello! First let me say hi to a couple new 'followers.' To Bouncin Barb and Pengu, Thank you for joining me in my day!

Sorry I've been gone a few days again. I still am a little down I guess, but I am doing ok :) I have just been sleeping a lot. A LOT. So I haven't had time to write. I actually went to bed at 9 Monday night! Crazy right? Then when I get up in the morning, every day it seems I don't feel good :( I thought something had passed me by and I lucked out since I only felt feverish one day... but I don't know. I hardly ever get sick, so I'm hoping it passes without much hassle!

My computer is all fixed, so that's good :)

Not much new here.

My Grandmother's surgery is today. It's major surgery, very dangerous I hear. The top two vertebrae in her spine are completely gone. I guess she's been doing pretty bad. This is all news to me this last week, since my mother tells me NOTHING important. I guess she cries all the time because of the pain, and has fallen a lot lately because she can't hardly use her legs...
Now, I don't really feel anything about it. At first I was stressed and worried a little... but now? I really don't care. It may sound cold, but she has put my family through so much... she is no longer the grandmother we all knew and loved. That person was gone WAY before any of this started happening.
Without getting into everything that happened, the quick version is this: 3 years ago her spoiled selfish daughter finally convinced my grandmother to ban me from her house. Then to disown me, my mother (her other daughter!) my brothers, even her own sister. It was ridiculous. I mean, the stuff you see on talk shows, NOT in real life... NOT in MY family! It was all devastating... I loved my grandmother. I would have done anything for her. She was the one person in the world I knew would always be there for me. Then she changed...
It took a while but now my grandmother and her sister (my great Aunt) are back to being best friends. Even my mother talks to her now... kind of. She brought up about 6 months ago "I wish I could come see you sometimes." Her mother said "That's between you and Sherry (the spoiled bitch)." That right there shows ME that nothing has changed. Sherry still runs her life and her house. Sherry is still number one no matter what. So I really gave up any hope of ever having any kind of relationship with her. I haven't seen her in 3 years, since she hung up on me after disowning me.
Now to the present.
I had been stressing about this surgery. Should I send a card at least? But I decided that would be pointless. I already morned the loss of my Gramma 3 years ago, and she is not the same person anymore. This woman is NOT her. So what would be the point? There isn't one.
So last night my mother called her, (can't go see her cause she's not allowed- Sherry says so) and it's the last conversation Mom is going to have with her mother before this life threatening surgery. My grandmother could have said anything. She could have said she was sorry for disowning her. Or sorry for calling her and her family names, or sorry for letting Sherry take over her life and push everyone else out... but no. She tells my Mom "I just can't forget the horrible names you called me." My Mom did go off on her, AFTER everything else. Because my Grandmother had called her and hurt her more than she'd ever been hurt in her life... So my Mom apologizes for the things she said. Does Grandmother? Of course not. She finally says, "well I guess we should just let all this go." And of course my Mom is fine with this. So they are fine. Mom will be happy just seeing her once in a while (when they both visit my Great Aunt who lives close by.) Never being able to just call, or come over. Never being important again, now that Sherry rules everything. In fact, when my grandmother told my Great Aunt to tell my mother what time her surgery was, she said "But don't let Sherry know we told her, because I don't want her stressed out before surgery." wtf?
Grandmother thinks she is being the bigger person for 'letting it go' because she thinks she has done no wrong. I know for a fact that whatever Sherry decided is the version of what happened, has been pumped into Grandmothers brain for 3 years and she probably doesn't even know half of what really went on! But whatever.
I won't get in the way of my mother and her mother... but ME? I will not put up with that shit. People say life is to short to hold a grudge or not forgive someone. I say life is to short to allow people into your life that will turn on you at the drop of a hat. To give your heart to people that will stomp all over it. My mother will most likely be hurt in the future by her. I will not go down that road again.

My son has overheard a lot of what has been said the last couple days, so I told him about the surgery. And asked if he would like to make her a card or anything. He decided he wanted me to buy one for him to sign. He didn't get emotional or anything, he hasn't seen her in 3 years either. She does send him a card for his birthday and Christmas though. I told him he didn't have to, and no one expects him to. But he wanted to. He's a sweet boy, and he must miss her... I miss her too, but I miss what she USED to be. That woman is gone. So no matter what happens in surgery, I won't mourn her, I don't even know her.

Here's what the last few days have looked like:
Sunday-
Coffee: 105
with 3 tbs pumpkin spice creamer
Breakfast: 90
Special K vanilla Crisp bar
Lunch: 448
Tuna sandwich on whole wheat with 1 tbs miracle whip, jalapenos, cheddar cheese. 8 veggie chips, 5 baby carrots, 1 tbs light ranch. Water.
Dinner: 425
6 oz chicken, 1 cup red beans and rice, 1/2 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 230
Little Debbie Christmas Tree cake and 1/2 cup ff skim milk
Snack LATE night: 263
33 grams veggie chips, 1/4 cup cheddar, salsa. water
Total Water: 44 oz
Total Calories: 1561
Treadmill: 26 minutes/ 1 mile, Incline 2. Carrying 2 lb weights for 5 minutes

Monday-
Coffee: 53
Half of my cup with 1.5 tbs pumpkin spice creamer (3 tbs total)
Lunch: 464
Tuna Sandwich on whole wheat with 1 tbs miracle whip, 1 slice munster cheese, jalapenos. 15 grams veggie chips, 5 baby carrots, 1 tbs light ranch. water
Dinner: ?
3 slices of pizza, 2 bread sticks, water
Total Water: 35 oz

Tuesday-
Lunch: ?
2 slices of pizza, 1 bread stick, water
Iced coffee: 105
coffee, ice, 3 tbs hazelnut creamer
Dinner: ?
1 Parmesan stuffed chicken, 1 cup pasta
Snack: 23
1 Werther's
Snack: 235
Cereal- 1 1/2 cup frosted puffed wheat, 1 cup ff skim milk
Total Water: 38 oz
Treadmill: 26 minutes/ 1 mile, Incline 2. Carrying 2 lb weights for 5 minutes

I found this pumpkin spice liquid creamer at Aldi's, I LOVE it. Really, it is so good! I'm sure it's seasonal, so I'm going to have to stock up! The hazzlenut, not so much. It takes 4 tbs to get it good, and I onlt like it in ice coffee. Once it's gone, I won't be getting that again I don't think.
Found some whole wheat bread that is 50 calories per slice... but I don't like it as much as my normal (70 per slice)...
These Veggie Chips I also found at Aldi's. All natural, 130 calories for 28 grams (more than enough) and they are pretty good!
As you can see, it isn't horrible but I NEED to do better.
I didn't record all of the calories, but I'm trying to get back into the habit. I DID record EVERYTHING I ate though :)
Today is... ok so far, Ray has the night off and I'll be up late I'm sure. I will try not to eat anything else though, as I over ate for dinner (tacos) and I'm kind of full. I'll be back tomorrow with a full report.

SURGERY UPDATE:
She didn't get into surgery as soon as she was supposed to. So my Great Aunt didn't make it up there, but will see her tomorrow and give her my sons card. Now that she's out of the woods, I guess I'm glad. I still don't want anything to do with her. I know she doesn't want anything to do with me either, so it's all good. The card? I hope it makes her feel like the shitty 'Great' grandmother she is... I know it might not be right, but you know me! Honest to a fault, and I can't help how I feel.  

I feel really good though. I got a gift mailed out for my best friends baby today. Renewed my stupid license. They took my picture, and it looks HORRIBLE, but I think they are supposed to lol. She asked "Is this ok?" I said yes... because who makes them retake it??? But I should have, now I have to live with that picture! lol, oh well. Also, it asked my weight... my weight has never been on my license before! I hope it isn't now...
Ray has the morning off, so I don't have to get up at 3:30am! Woo Hoo!
ALSO I got a blog award from colenic, now that is enough to make a girl smile! I'll get to that soon. As soon as I can come up with the answers to the question! :) I also have some questions to answer from Tessa, so I have some thinking to do :)

Have a great night everyone!

Might Be Away for a Bit...

But don't worry! I am feeling great and I won't fall off the road (I'm not quite back on the wagon lol, I'll be back on it soon though!)

I have to take the computer back to the shop tomorrow, they had to order something that should arive tomorrow (Monday). I took the computer home though because it was up and running lol, and I couldn't live without if one more day! I am very hopeful that I will get it back the same day though, Tuesday at the latest!

I did well today. Even when the store declined my debit card and I couldn't buy cat food! Grrr. I know I have money in my account, so I'm thinking it's the same thing that happened about a month ago when my card was declined (at the same store!). My MasterCard number was 'compromised' and they had to issue me a new one. Wiht out contacting me, just canelled my debit card! It was this big ordeal and really pissed me off... and that has to be what is going on now. I don't have much money lol, but I have way more than enough to pay for the damn cat food!!!
On top of having no way to get MY money, one thing that pissed me off is that the bank wouldn't tell me what merchant had compromised my card. Isn't it my right? It's my money isn't it? Idiots. And now they did it again. On a Sunday, when I couldn't even call to see wtf is going on. Can't go get any cash from the atm if my card is deactivated. Can't go to the bank since it's closed....
Last week, I would have come home and used Ray's card and ordered a pizza! BUT it's not last week. It's now, and I am fine. It is an inconvenience, but nothing I can do about it. I will handle it tomorrow. See, no biggie :)
I'll take ray's card and get cat food at a different store at 4am when I take him to work. The cats think it's just their lucky day, as they have had lots of tuna today! :)

THANK YOU
I know I've said thank you in the comments, but I really hope you all understand how much your support has meant to me, especially the last few days.
We all have problems and issues. Now that I feel better, I know that mine are small compared to some. My stress is nothing compared to others. But when I was in that state, it felt unbearable and I thank you all for all the kind words and support.
All of us have struggles. When I see your struggles my heart goes out to you, and I hope you can find comfort like I have here. Like I said, most of you have more on your plate than I do! Things you have to deal with, things you have to overcome everyday. There are medical issues, and so many other problems out there, that I feel guilty for getting so down... My worries are no more important than anyone else's and I just thank you for taking time out to make me feel better.
I hope that all of your stresses and hardships are made a little better by getting them out here in blogland.
I know getting things off my chest here has done so much for me. I just want you to know that I'm here if you need someone to listen, just like you all have been here for me.
HUGS and Thank you!

I'll be back tomorrow, hopefully, for what I ate today and your regularly scheduled program! :) It's 12:30, and I'm off to bed. Not exactly midnight, but pretty good! :)

A Day to Remember

One thing that happened while I was away, was on Halloween. I had my family over, and it was nice. My brother weighed himself on my scale, and was 279. He thinks that is a lot (which it is) but has NO IDEA I weighed that much too! I was at the same weight as him on that day. Now I am more, but that's not the point lol. The point is, someday after I loose a LOT of weight, I will tell him that "back on Halloween 2010, when you weighed yourself and was 279? I was 279 too!!!" Hopefully that will be soon, like maybe Halloween of next year I could tell him that??? :)

I plan on doing my post in the mornings again. That was working well and getting me to bed earlier. These last 2 weeks have been so off, and my sleep has been horrible. Now that I have my car back (I am so thankful for) I am bringing Ray to work again at 3:45am. Oh how I loved to get a nice chunk of sleep in with no interruptions... I have to get used to this all over again now lol. Maybe lack of sleep was contributing to my horrible depression. Well... there is no maybe about it, I know it didn't help anything!!! I HAVE to get back on some kind of schedule! I am going to try and get to bed at a decent time tonight!

Yesterday when I woke up to bring Ray, I felt really sick. I was afraid I was going to throw up. When I got back later that was gone but I had a head ache all day. ALL day. I didn't do the treadmill, but I am allowed 2 days off. I don't plan on taking them, but I'm ok with it if I do... I didn't write down what I ate for the second half of the day till now.
Today I feel so much better, just a slight headache. So hopefully I won't get sick like I was afraid of!

Yesterday:
Breakfast: 110
Slice on cinnamon raisin toast with 1/2 tbs Country Crock
Lunch: 515
Tuna Sandwich on whole wheat, 1 1/2 tbs miracle whip(well, store brand), 1/4 cup cheddar, jalapenos. some veggie chips, 5 baby carrots, 1 tbs light ranch. water
Snack: 245
Cereal- 1 1/2 cup frosted wheat puffs with 1 cup ff skim milk
Iced Coffee: 140
with 4 tbs hazelnut creamer
Dinner: 910
2 servings of General Tso's Chicken (Frozen) and 1 egg role. 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 185
bowl of Veggie chips with a little cheddar
Snack: 280
2 slices of cinnamon raisin toast- 1 with cc, one with cc and honey peanut butter
Total Water: 36 oz
Total Calories: 2385

Can you believe I thought I did ok until I just wrote and added it all up??? Obviously I was wrong. Even without the amount of calories, I over ate and snacked WAY to much.

I'm not beating myself up though, I'm down another 1.2 pounds this morning... I guess that shows just HOW bad my eating was the last 2 weeks! But more important, I feel great. I mean GREAT.

I had a long night, and this morning had one of those dreams that goes on forever... It started with someone shooting me through my bedroom window. I was so scared, I was pretending to be dead so he wouldn't shoot me again. I got up and my clothing was so bloody. I was terrified. But Ray didn't care. AT ALL.  It was in my side, and it wasn't going to kill me... I go down stairs and my Mom and brothers are here, they didn't care either! I'm walking around all bloody and I ask "Shouldn't we call 911?" and eventually I did, but no one was worried or cared. they actually were annoyed that I was making such a big deal out of being SHOT.
Anyway, the dream lasted hours I think.
I woke up when Ray came in at about 11 to wake me. (I didn't hear him get up or anything! Which is weird!) I was exhausted from the dream, and mad at Ray because he hadn't cared about me. But he cuddled with me a little bit, I tell him I love him and thank him for being so patient with me this last week and dealing with my mood swings. Of course he says "you don't' have to thank me." I got up and followed him downstairs. My son is pretending to sleep on the couch lol. I go to the kitchen and Ray has almost all the dishes done!!! I love him so much. He can't realize how happy that made me, how much that helped. Now I feel like I can do the other things that need to be done, get this house back in order...

So now I feel great. I'm having my coffee, and will get on the treadmill and take a shower (which I desperately need!) and will feel even better. It's a LATE start to the day, but no matter. Tomorrow I'll get back on schedule, and get back to keeping the house up (which I was doing so good with before Halloween!) and all will be well :)

Now that I wrote that... I am a little worried at how happy I am! Does that sound insane or what? But I know that this is what happened 2 weeks ago... I was on top of the world, and then it all came crashing down. This would be what my Mom would call her 'manic' phase... I just have to make sure I pace myself, and don't try and take on the whole world I guess! And not let it come crashing down again... I really do feel so good though, that I don't think that will happen. :)

Maybe you want to hear me bitch and moan?

Or maybe you don't! And that is totaly fine!!! Or maybe you don't want to read my personal rambalings and realize I'm a mess.

That's why I decided to do my personal life complaints in a separate post. I want you my followers to be able to skip it if you want, but still be all caught up on everything else. Does that make sense? Skip it if you want, it's personal and it is not required reading... haha :)
Also, it's a separate post because I don't want it to come off as excuses... because my stress is NOT an excuse for sabotaging myself like I did!
This blog has been about my weight loss journey, as well as my life. It is like my journal and has become a place where I can vent and get it all out. (Giving Ray a huge break lol) So I just want you to know what's going on in my life lately. So it is separate from my weight loss struggles, because let's face it. My life is stressful and it's not going to be any less stressful anytime soon! I CAN NOT turn to food every time something goes wrong.
So feel free to skip this one!

I am feeling kind of sick... kind of feverish. Maybe that's why I feel so... unemotional right now. Or maybe it is just my crazy bad mood swings... But all these things that have caused me so much stress over the last few weeks, don't really even seem important right now. I mean, they ARE important, but not so overwhelming that I can't handle it... So I think I'll just kind of list them, and not get emotional about it like I normally would.

Yeah, a 'matter of fact' list might be just what I need... It may look cold, but it's a way for me to get it all out. And a way for you to be caught up without me doing a 10 page post too... I'm sure as time goes on, I will have to deal with some of it and will do more emotional or detailed post about some of it... but today it's just time to get it off my chest. Nice and quick like.

Last week Ray's Mom started stressing about whether or not to retire. She is constantly thinking about it, not sure what to do. She has one more month to decide. She is talking about it whenever we see her. Even called here and cried about it. Part of the problem is that she raised her boys to depend on her for EVERYTHING and now 2 of Ray's brothers do. That's how she raised them... But I can't tell her that. I feel bad, but I don't know what to do for her... It's stressing Ray out...

Lat week Ray's Dad called his mother, and left his phone number for Ray to call him if he wants... I have very strong opinions and emotions about this- but for now we'll just stick with the facts: He hasn't seen Ray in about 20 years, since he was a young boy. He never tried to contact him before. Now he is divorced and all of a sudden calls ray's mom and has a really long chat... I will not go into what I think of this situation or this man. I don't want him in our lives- I don't want to see Ray hurt. Again.

Ray's brother just got out of prison last month. After serving his latest term, 14 years. He stays less than 10 minutes from here. He is not someone I want around, maybe if we didn't have a son- but we DO. So I am hoping he doesn't contact Ray, and that Ray doesn't decide he wants to contact him. I think one of Ray's brothers has been talking to him, but He has no contact with their mother. (Ever since he tried to kill her when Ray was little.) So I am keeping my fingers crossed that I do not have to deal with this.

Money Problems, bad money problems. of course.

Thanksgiving is comming up. We have it at Mom's (my brothers) but I have not been there in months, because I don't want my son exposed to weed anymore. They don't respect how I am trying to raise him so we haven't' been over there. I am expected to be there, and will have to have a talk with my brother about no one getting high while we are there. It could go a number of ways...

My grandmother is having major surgery in about a week. On my birthday in fact. She disowned us all about 3 years ago. (a long story, her daughter took over her life ect.) I don't want to have anything to do with her or her evil daughter. But what if she dies? Will I regret not speaking to her... or even sending her a card before she goes to the hospital? Will I feel bad about that for ever? Or maybe I won't care. Don't know.

Margie and Bruce's death... effected me more than I ever thought it could. I can't explain how sad I was, am. It Left me so confused. Broke my heart. made me question the point of this life and all of our struggles...
Before Margie died, October already had a shadow cast over me. It is the 1 year anniversary of my cousins death. She was only 1 month older than me when she died last year. 28 years old. Her name is the same as mine, Tina Marie... I loved her very much. She died of an overdose. Heroin. All alone in a motel room. It hurts to even think about it. Hurts to think about how she looked in her casket. Right now my chest feels like it's caving in... moving on.

Having serious faith issues. Not sure what I believe anymore... and it is really sad to me. This started last year, and got worse when Tina died at the same time I was trying to figure it out.
(Some day I will tell you all about her life, and how the belief I always had that 'God never gives you more than you can handle' was shattered in to a million tiny pieces the day she died.)
My doubt in my faith gets worse and worse... and now I don't think I believe in a lot of the things I have my whole life. I'm not sure how to deal with that... I have no idea what to do about this.

Ok, these are the main things I think of daily that have been overwhelming me. Other things like my house being a mess right now, or gas prices, or the computer breaking as soon as I finally got my car back... these are little, these are just inconveniences, but they do add to my already fragile mental state.

It's times like this when one of my worst fears haunt me.
I get depressed, but it's not often I get this bad. I think this may be the worst time I have ever had with mood swings... Well, in a LONG time anyway. It's not often that I feel I can't really control my emotions, where I get so overwhelmed with things that I pretty much give up... and it makes me feel I am like my mother. This only makes me more depressed and stressed out. Over the years she has been diagnosed with Manic depression, OCD, and Bi Polar... but I figure her doctors are all quacks and most of it is in her head. Excuses to not have any responsibilities...
Then I get like this and feel like a failure... and wonder if I'm going to end up a selfish bitch like her...

If you have stayed and read all this, I don't want you to worry. I'm not in a corner crying all day or anything.
I think my son is oblivious except my temper is a little short... But we're ok. I think of most of this when I'm alone. I rarely cry, but it's at night when I do. I had been letting him play xbox more, just so he wouldn't catch on... he was happy but I know that's no good! We have been watching movies/ shows on netflix and that time with him I do forget everything else :)
Once this week, on my worst day, I did start crying while making dinner, but he didn't see me...

I know it could be worse. It could ALWAYS be worse. I also know we all have bad days... but I'm just tired of having all bad days...

Well, to make sure I don't get to emotional and start writing a whole fricken novel right now, I better get going! Now that I have my computer back, and am getting back on track, I am very hopeful that these feelings will pass and everything will go back to 'normal.'

First Day Back

Well, today went ok.
I started off with lunch at my son's favorite place (an Asian buffet) and thought 'man, I shouldn't even go.' But we had it planned for a while now, since he had today off of school and we haven't been doing ANYTHING.
It was good, I did OK- could have done better for sure. But I did better than I have been doing for the last week! Compared to that, today went very well.

I don't know what happened... I've been under stress (which maybe I'll vent about in a separate post) but that's no excuse...
Halloween- I had to much candy, but was feeling fine. I did well calorie wise as I hadn't ate anything else until dinner! The next day was going to be better, but I ate even MORE candy... everyday I got up with good intentions, and then ruined it... THAT is the difference. Since I started this in January, I never just said "oh well, I ruined it- start again tomorrow." I mean sure, at the end of the day when I sat down and looked at the day, I would say "tomorrow is another day." But I never just gave up and threw the whole day away because of a mistake.
After my Friday weigh in came around on the 5th, I pretty much completely stopped trying. Then on Tuesday I realized I could do my blog from the PS3, I decided to knock it off and get back at it. I did the treadmill that day, and was ready to go! But I got up the next day, said fuck it, and just ate what I wanted, when I wanted for the next 3 days. I did horrible all this time, but the last few days were the worst. I even decided 'Oh well, I already ruined it. I'll start again Friday after my weigh in." And that's what I did. That's why I'm in this situation... because of that start date mentality. Pick a date, pick tomorrow, whatever- and then eat whatever I want and pig out until that date... I used to ALWAYS do that. My whole life. But since I started my journey on January 1st, I NEVER did that and promised I would NEVER do that again. But I did. And here we are.

I feel like I'm starting all over. I did things that I used to do... I mean I was as bad as I have ever been! I ate to much, I ate when I wasn't hungry, I did just about everything I used to. It's the first time I can't say "Even though it looks bad, It's better than I used to be." Because it's BAD, just as bad as it used to be.
The only thing that is different from before 2010, is that I did drink water everyday. But only about 10 oz. I didn't have pop except for the last 2 days, a 12 oz glass one day and an 8 oz glass the next. Oh, and wheat bread instead of white. But that's it. Everything else was those old bad habits... they came back SO EASY AND SO FAST!!!!

At this rate, I would gain ALL of my weight back in 8 more weeks. 11 months worth of work can be gone in 10 weeks.... That is so scary. It is so scary that I have gained 8.2 pounds back. In only 2 weeks. Holy Crap.

I have to make sure this doesn't happen. And even though I'm determined now, tomorrow I might wake up and feel totally different. I have had a really bad time with being depressed, mostly I have been having CRAZY bad mood swings. I HAVE to make sure I stick to this no matter how bad my mood swings are. I really thing blogging is going to help though. Maybe if I would have had my computer the mood swings wouldn't have beens so bad, maybe I wouldn't have gone so far off track... maybe not at all!
Or maybe I would have gained anyway... would have ranted and wrote through my moods and you would all think I am completely insane!!!! (if you don't already lol) I really do think it's the first one though :)

SO, here's the plan.
BLOG EVERY DAY even before I lost the computer, I hadn't been blogging everyday. I think I was on a slow down hill slope... loosing the computer just gave me an extra shove off the track.
WEIGH IN EVERYDAY ON MY WEIGHT LOSS TRACKER
NO POP
LOTS OF WATER
EAT SMALL PORTIONS
EAT ONLY WHEN HUNGRY
AT LEAST 5 MILES OF TREADMILL PER WEEK (1 MILE PER DAY AT LEAST 5 DAYS) That is my goal, but I have such a hard time staying on the plan when I have days off... I might have to do it everyday.
CRUNCHES: no set amount but at least a few times per week. every other day if possible

So there we go. If I stick to that, I think I will be able to loose the weight and reach my 50 pound goal on New Years Eve.

It will be hard, but I can do it.

My biggest challenges will be: my sweet tooth that I have since Halloween (especially with my coffee). Being really hungry because of how I have stretched my stomach back out! My craving for Peanut Butter toast... I don't know what is up with that. I just want it all the time (like when I was pregnant) But I will be careful, and I can get over these hurdles :) And no, I'm not pregnant!

Ok, so here's the run down of my first day back:

Coffee: 105
3 tbs hazel nut liquid creamer
Lunch: 1200?
2 1/2 plates of various yumminess, water
Iced coffee: 140
Large glass with ice and 4 tbs hazelnut liquid creamer
Dinner: 210
1 cup Campbell's Chunky Soup- Vegetable Beef with white and wild rice, lean meat. 1 slice whole wheat bread. water
Snack: 190
Honey Peanut butter/1/2 tbs country crock whole wheat toast. water
Total Water: 37 oz
Total Calories: 1845? (645 plus lunch)

Treadmill: 26 minutes/ 1 mile. Incline 2. 2LB weights for 9 minutes
I was sweating like crazy! But I can do it, and I WILL! :)

I fell off the wagon. HARD.
I fell off, got trampled by a horse, rolled down the embankment, and landed in a mud puddle... But I got up. I'm muddy, but I can't concentrate on that... I can't let the mud, or anything that happens weigh me down... I have to climb back up to the road, and get back on that wagon and continue on my journey...
So here I go!

I'm Back! Time for Weigh Ins...

Ugh... Let's get this over with...

Missed Weigh Day: October 5th
The scale said...

282.8

That is a gain of 4.2 pounds.

That made my total loss 37.2 pounds

NO Treadmill, No Crunches

Today's Weigh In:

The scale says...

286.8

Yes, you read that right.

That is a gain of 4 pounds

That makes my Total Loss 33.2 pounds

Total Treadmill: 30 minutes/ 1.02 miles

0 Crunches

So that means in these 2 weeks I have been away, I have GAINED 8.2 pounds. I haven't been this weight since June 12th, so it's like 5 months of work wasted.

I can't believe how fast I gained back 8.2 pounds... 8.2 pounds that took over 5 months for me to loose! WTF!

I feel like I'm right back where I started. All those bad habits came back so fast... so EASY...

I can't put into words how disappointed I am in myself... but I spent all week feeling it...

Thinking about it or beating myself up isn't going to help me at all. I know that.

So today I start again. 

Being honest, I really don't feel that great or motivated... but I'm not hungry either... hopefully it will all fall back into place.

I know I have a LOT of work to do. Especially if I want to make that goal of loosing 50 pounds this year!!! I only have 7 weeks left to lose 16.8 pounds... That is 2.4 pounds per week!

As you know, since summer started I have struggled to loose any weight. I mean, it took me over 5 months to lose these last 8 pounds!!! And to lose DOUBLE that in 7 weeks... It's going to be work. HARD WORK.

But I am going to do my best! I really do think that if I watch what I'm eating (or more important how much) and get on the treadmill everyday, I will be able to do it.

Ok... now I feel a little more motivated :)

I also feel kind of funny, like I have a fever :( I hope I'm not getting sick, that is the LAST thing I need right now...

I have to go update my tracker, and my weight chart. Have to take care of other internet stuff I have neglected for 2 weeks, check email ect. I will write a post tonight if I can, otherwise I will see you in the morning for some... reflecting...

Most important is that I get back to writing down everything I eat. So I'll be back with that as well.

Thank you again to everyone who cares :) It really means a lot that you would check on me, and make me feel like I was actually missed. I'm sorry I was gone, but that really is a good feeling to come back to!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!

See you later!