Not Doing So Well... Going to Take a Blog Break

I haven't been on the treadmill once.
I get up every morning with the best intentions, and then loose all motivation.

Yes I'm stressed out. Maybe a little more than usual, but I can't keep letting that throw me off track!

One of the new things piled up on top of everything else, my sons report card. He has always been an A student. Some Bs sometimes... but it's because I stayed right on top of him and reminded him about his homework every day ect. Now that he's in middle school I don't know EVERY thing that is going on. I was so worried that when he started middle school he would have trouble. That it would all overwhelm him...

My son is very smart. Since he was a baby, just SO smart. But he also has a hard time paying attention, and gets side tracked very easily. He forgets what he is/was doing a lot, not just in school work. My Mom said I should check out ADD drugs when he was around 3. I'm like "no mom, he's just being a kid!" Then when he was in 2nd grade his teacher actually told me I might want to think about getting him on some medication... I just couldn't see doing that. He was so young, and doing excellent in school... He is more on the shy side, never caused any trouble... so why would I drug him?

Anyway, a few weeks back I went online for the first time to check his grades. He had As, Bs and a C+. Now a C+ is fine, IF that's the best he could do. But I know he can do better. I made sure he knew that if he didn't bring that grade up before report card time he would be grounded from video games until his NEXT report card, 9 weeks away. He said he could bring it up, and I ask him ALL the time if he has homework and he never does... Now he brings home His report card. Instead of all As and maybe a B or 2, These are his grades: A, A-, B+, B, B-, C+, C-, E.
WTF?
I was SO PISSED. And Yelled at him more than I probably have in his whole life. He DOES have homework, he KNOWS he has to do it, but just didn't. I asked him what he thought was going to happen when he didn't do his homework? He knew I was going to see it, what did he think I would say? "I don't know." Is pretty much all he says. I can't explain how upset I am about this.
And the online "up to date" progress reports I can access daily? What a crock of shit. I thought he would be bringing home 1 C+ because of that. Now that it finally updated, nothing has been added since the 11th. So NOTHING from the new marking period, it still says the grades from his report card... So I can now see all the assignments he missed from LAST marking period. So how am I supposed to stay on top of all his grades/ assignments if they don't update it? I even signed up to receive weekly emails from all his classes, the last 2 weeks were exactly the same! What is the fucking point of getting a weekly email if they don't ever change?!?!?!

So I'm not sure what to do. He is grounded from all video games until his next report card, in 9 weeks. Maybe he does have something like ADD... but more than that, I think he is addicted to video games. Which is of course our fault as parents. Ray's addicted to them, and so is he. I think that more than any kind of ADD, he just would rather play video games or watch netflix. I think that that was more important that doing homework. He has NO problem remembering things he has to get done in his games, or the new achievements he can get on what day... so now I'm hoping he can be just as dedicated to his school work without so many other distractions. I always just kind of let that go, because he really is such a good kid. And always got good grades... but obviously something has to be done.

And I am on his ass. Every day, I'm looking at his planner, and asking what every single thing is, if he got it done. I'll be checking that online thing often, hoping that it will update soon so I can see how he is really doing. I don't really know what else to do. If he still gets bad grades, what then? I guess ask the doctor what they think. (I hate his doctors office, since age 8 we don't go unless absolutely necessary) I really do think No video games will help a lot. He's not even upset as I thought he would be... but really what can he say? I warned him... and he still didn't care enough to do what needed to be done.
Missing a few assignments? Fine. But he didn't bring home ANY homework all marking period, and he had a LOT he was supposed to do. The only thing he brought home everyday was 20 minutes of band practice. Little did I know that she also hands out homework to bring home on TOP of that. (That's the class he got an E in. The class he works the hardest for. He practices that thing everyday, I never dreamed she handed out extra homework on top of that.)  It doesn't matter though, he KNEW he was supposed to be doing this other work. And he just chose not to! I just can't fricken believe that! What was he thinking?!?!
So I want him to do well in school, it is the most important thing on my mind right now. The perfect time for him to get sick right? Yeah. He had to stay home from school today....
I have been sick to my stomach or had a horrible head ache every morning for a while now. Today is the first day I didn't, but now he is sick :(

Anyway, as you can see all this has me very upset. I guess I'm so upset because of the bigger picture. I just want the best for him. I want more for him than I have. Isn't that what every parent wants? And he has always done so well in school, and I just knew that was the ONE thing I didn't have to worry about- his education. But now this changes all that. If I let him he would just play Xbox all day and not care if he failed every class. And straight up lie to me when I ask him about homework... That is hard for me to except.
I just want him to do well in school, go to college, have a job he doesn't hate, live in a nice safe place... I want him to have everything I didn't. And don't.

UGH.

Speaking of wanting what's best for him...
Thanksgiving is only 3 days away. I still haven't talked to my brother. We haven't been over there in 4 months because them all getting high all the time finally just got to be to much for me. They no longer care if my son is there, and don't try to make sure the smoke is kept far away from him anymore. Sure they don't do it in the same room, but it's a tiny ass trailer. Where they used to go in the back, or outside- now it's in the next room or like the last time, the enclosed porch where 5 people open the door to get inside right where my son is and bring all the smoke with them... They just don't care. And I'm fucking sick of it.
Why don't they want whats best for him? Why does his own Grandmother think this is all just fine? Me and her fought about it afterwards. Her saying things like "It's not my house. I only took one hit. I didn't know you cared, you stopped complaining about it." Complete bull shit. While we are not fighting at the moment, just thinking of it makes me so full of rage all over again.
So besides me and her fighting, no one else has said anything. She told me she's not telling my brother (Bear, who's trailer it is, who wasn't even there when I had finally had enough) so he knows nothing about it. But he HAS to have noticed we don't come over anymore right? He is stoned everyday, all day... so maybe not. Anyway, I have to confront him and make sure NO ONE will be getting high while we are there. If they absolutely have to, I need to know they will go outside away from my 12 year old. (Their only nephew, and only grandson that they should be caring about without me forcing them!) So how do I do this without causing a fight? Or getting dis invited from Thanksgiving? Or disowned? Haha. Who knows. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
I figure if I don't make a big deal about it, he won't either? I'm just going to say: "He is not exposed to weed anymore. I just want to make sure that won't be a problem. That you can all wait till we leave to get high, or at least go outside if you CAN'T wait." We'll see what happens. If he does throw a fit? Well, then fuck him. They are pretty much the only family we have left, but at the moment, I don't really care.

So yeah, I guess I am stressed. Once Thanksgiving is over I think I will feel SO much better.

I have bad news about Ray's Mom. She had to call into work last week because her vision was so bad. She went to the doctor and they said she needs surgery, but they can't operate because her sugar is way to high. She has also been having trouble with her feet because of the diabetes, which I just found out about. Ray is in complete denial about how bad it's getting. He just says "Oh it's just her cataracts. She's fine now." I don't argue... but I think it's worse than she is telling us...

Oh, another fun thing...
The townhouse I grew up in, started on fire Saturday. It's in this complex, if I walk 5 steps from my porch I can see it, another 200 and I'm there...
The outside is fine, the inside and everything in it is a loss. The basement is ok I guess.
It was weird to see it, everything black, the blinds melted off the windows, all the firemen... but that's all. Just weird. It's where I grew up, where I brought my son home to when he was born. But I don't have any emotional attachment to it. The whole time I was there I couldn't wait to get out of it.

It just so happens Ray's brothers girlfriend (one of many) lives there. Her and her 3 kids weren't home. The landlord is going to move them into a 2 bedroom until a 3 opens up. Which was really nice, especially seeing it was most likely caused by candles she left burning...
I really feel bad for her though. Now she has lost almost everything. Thankfully she has her family.
She has been through a lot with Ray's brother this last year. She lost their baby, about 6 months ago I think... we attended the memorial service.  He leaves, comes back, leaves... really fucks with her mentally. I love ray's brother, but sometimes he makes me sick... the way he treats women is just awful... I won't go into all of it now, or how many kids he has.... just know I think it's disgusting and sad that he is never going to grow up. And only the women that love him, and all his kids are going to suffer for it.

BUT I have my own problems. I can't worry about her, or her stupid decisions... He's like family, and I can't be thinking of all these silly girls every time I see him. If I do I might end up telling him off one day... that's the last thing I should do right now! haha, like I need his whole family mad at me too. Oh that would be funny though! "Hey you selfish piece of shit. Why don't you grow the fuck up and think about someone else besides yourself for once in your life. How about you go get snipped so you can quit having kids you aren't going to take care of. And for Fucks sake pick a girl and stick with her! Maybe even pick one that has a kid by you already!!" ahh... that would be great huh? I know it would make me feel better ;) But I won't.
Like I said. I got enough problems.
He was here yesterday... had been helping her salvage some stuff from the basement. He found 8 grams of cocaine, and was pretty happy! Who cares her house burnt down, it was his fucking lucky day!
Ugh... do you see the kind of people I'm surrounded by? It's really no wonder I'm depressed...

And yes, I am pretty depressed. Just so tired of everything you know? Struggling everyday and getting no where... Living by the golden rule when no one else does... Ugh, don't get me started! (and no, this so far is not even getting started haha)

Despite everything I had an ok weekend. But now I'm feeling low again.

Me and my son are fine. I'm upset right now writing about it, but I yelled at him about it Friday/Saturday, now I'm done. Now I'm just going to be very strict about it and make sure... he doesn't lie and say he did everything in his planner??? How am I going to do that? Ugh, he better not. He knows I'm checking online now, and hopefully wanting to play his video games in 9 weeks will be enough motivation for him. AND not ever wanting to see me that pissed off ever again!

Tomorrow he will be back in school. I have a very busy day... I'll be bringing him to school, picking up Ray, bringing him to donate plasma, waiting in the parking lit for an hour or more, doing about 5 loads of laundry when I get home, then taking all that to the laundry mat to dry. Then making dinner...
I would love to say I will get back to doing the treadmill tomorrow, but I'm not going to say that. Because I probably won't.

I feel like all I do is complain lately. And this shit has to be depressing to read! So I'm going to take a little time off from my blog. I will come back when I'm a little less stressed and have some good things to write about. I'm thinking after the holiday is over, no later than Monday Ok? I don't want to just keep writing about the bad all the time... it's not any fun. For me, and I'm sure not for you either.

I'll still be here reading yours though! I have to catch up the last couple days of course.

To make sure I don't completely go off the deep end, as far as food again, I am going to make a promise:
I WILL write down everything I eat. It's when I don't, that I really mess up.
I will try to get back on the treadmill, I know it's SO important for my weight loss.
I will update my weight loss tracker every day.

Thanks for all of your support, and I'm sorry I'm so winy lately.

I'm going to take a page out of colenic's book and list some good things in the middle of this chaos.
My middle brother JW got a job today
Ray is getting a LOT more hours because of the Holidays
It was a beautiful 65 degree day out today, even with the storm later and tornado watch :)
Besides this temporary grade set back, I really do have a great son. We have a good relationship, and I'm confident this lying was just a phase (umm... am I in denial? Just let me stay here if I am ok?)
I know Ray loves me
My car is working
I got a surprise birthday card from my best friend
The 3 of us watched Avatar together and it was very nice :)

Again, I'm sorry all I do is complain. I know it could be worse and others have way more problems than I do. I know I will feel better...
Oh, and I should apologise for all the swearing too :) I really don't swear a lot... I guess I swear more when I'm angry or depressed... but rest assured I don't talk to my son like that. He's heard it all form my Mom and brothers, but I've never felt the need to swear in front of kids... Ok, maybe when some idiot almost crashes into me while I'm driving, but that's about it ;)

Ok, Goodnight everybody. I'll be back!

I Weigh More Than...

As I mentioned in the last post, we had an unexpected fight night over at Ray's Mom's. If you haven't seen the fight, turn back now! You've officially had your Spoil Alert! :)

So as you know, my family love us some UFC. We have even got Ray's family into it. So anyway, we went over there and watched UFC 121 Saturday night. There was something I realized when I got there, that made it a little hard to enjoy them, but I won't go into that now.
But I DID enjoy them. They were great. What made it fun also, is that it was SOO hyped up that if Cain Velasquez won, he would be the first Mexican Heavy Weight Champion. Now, for me I don't care what race the fighters are. I pick my fighters based on ability, work ethic and attitude. Ray is usually like that too. BUT not this time lol. Oh no, it's all about brown pride on this night! LOL, they all really wanted Cain to win, and make Mexico proud :) So naturally I picked Brock, because he's a BEAST and it's also fun to be routing for the other guy sometimes lol. I like both fighters, but thought Brock would win for sure.
Anyway, it was a GREAT card, with lots of good fights. The main event came, and Cain ended up winning. OMG you should have seen them on there feet and cheering, even Ray's mom. It was pretty funny. So Cain won. He's a big guy, weighing in at 244...
BUT if you are an MMA fan, you probably know who Brock Lesnar is. If not, here:

Do you see him? He is HUGE. He is a fricken TANK. Which brings me to my title... Brock Lesnar weighed in at 264 pounds. Now he doesn't weigh that at the fight, or walk around at that weight, probably more like 285. BUT, the point is... I weighed over 279 pounds on Friday. He weighed in at 264... That is fricken crazy. I weigh MORE than a UFC heavy weight champion. The biggest fighter they have seen in a long time...
Do you understand the gravity of the situation?

I WEIGH MORE THAN THIS GUY!

In fact, I weigh more than ANY heavy weight in the UFC. The weight class is 206-265... I don't even qualify!!! I AM TO HEAVY TO BE A HEAVY WEIGHT... AND I've lost 40 pounds! That is fucking nuts!!! How did I let it get this bad??? (I don't look back and think about that often, but man- stuff like this really puts it into perspective...)

Of course I don't let this ruin fights for me, but when the weights comes up, it's something I ALWAYS notice. Next time he fights I want to weigh LESS than him. I do not want to weigh more than Brock Lesnar ANYMORE! I want to be in the Heavy Weight Division... as CRAZY as that sounds!!!

*I did not take these pics, totally stole them off the internet ;)

Wow. Is this for real?

I"m up way to late. I JUST got done catching up on my blog roll. I have to say, I'm a little sad.

One blogger, Bee , is having a REALLY tough time. She has lost close to 80 pounds I think, but is now really stressed out. You know I have a problem with eating when I'm stressed, so I really feel for her. She is binging, and even started smoking again. If you have time, would you go give her a little encouragement? I think she really needs it right now. Thanks :)

I'm also a little disgusted...
Another blogger is leaving, because she was bullied so bad that she is going to quit her blog.
How sad is that??? I would send you to her blog as well, but I know she has made up her mind.

I just feel really bad, because I don't know how I would react to something like that. She started her blog to have help, and share her journey... and to be picked on like that is just so unnecessary.

If you don't like someones blog, don't follow it! It's one thing to comment on the blog when you don't agree or just stop following it... But to keep following it, and posting mean things on your own blog about it, links to her blog, things that aren't true, and just plain picking on her... why?

At first I really thought he had a good heart and the best intentions... but I watched it all unfold, and it got pretty ridiculous. I finally did make a comment as to why this person was so hard on others that don't do it his way... and he didn't post my comment. After JUST saying he posts any and all comments. I finally had to quit reading that blog. Partly because he doesn't really post all comments, Mostly because I am so tired of all the negativity, and it just wasn't good for me. Posting bad things about people, and including a link so you can go bully them too??? (Oh not just to this blogger, he does it a LOT.) It's just to much. Especially now that I see he actually used her real name, that she did NOT make public, only told him privately when they were "friends." I just can't understand... it's all just so childish.

You want to know the worst part? This is true, I'm NOT making this up:
Attacking her isn't enough, he actually called on his blogger "friends" to back him up! To stick up for him and join in the bullying! No, I'm not kidding. It's true!!! And What's worse? A few of his followers actually listened to him... I mean, I've heard of being a follower- but holy shit!!!! Now THAT'S what I call a follower!!! Is this high school or what?!?!?!

I'm not going to send you to his blog, I would NOT lower myself to giving you links to go attack someone. That is just plain immature and unnecessary. Just know that this BS is actually going on... it's mind blowing to me!!! It really makes me not want to trust anyone, or give out any real info. To think someone might use it later if they don't agree with my weight loss plan??? WOW. Be careful who you trust!

Some of us struggle, if you don't... GREAT. Be happy, thankful, and PROUD... but don't pick on someone because they are not having an easy time... what's the point? I just don't get it.

I feel bad that she is going. I feel bad that she LET him push her out of blog land. :( I only hope she stays on her journey and accomplishes her goals.

For anyone reading, PLEASE don't let anyone come in between you and your goals, or happiness. You deserve to be happy and no one can take that away from you, unless you LET them.

Bleh.
There's my 2 cents on it lol.
I'm usually pretty laid back here in blog land... usually just watch and don't get involved. But once in a while I just have to get things off my chest. I guess I just can't stand everyone in his corner and no one in hers...
In real life I don't usually have that problem, I say what I think right away. It's got me into trouble a time or two, but it's usually worth it :)

I also read some great posts, about NSVs and accomplishments. Even a song or two lol. Saw some great pictures, you KNOW I love me some pictures :) So it's not all bad!

It's late, and I still have to do the treadmill!!!! I'm not going to make my midnight curfew tonight. That's ok, I'll catch up on some sleep this weekend :) Hope you all had a great day!

If the internet cooperates, I'll see you tomorrow!!!