Tuesday, August 31, 2010

One of those Days...

I am having a really hard time staying positive today...
I do feel better now after reading your comments :) Right now is the best I've felt all day actually.
I woke up with a horrible head ache, and it just went away about 1/2 hour ago. I'm very tired though and am going to try to get to bed before 1:30... I'll have to catch up on blogs in the morning, which may be my new plan anyway... to check blogs in the morning and get to bed earlier (we'll see what happens lol)
Made the kid go to bed at 11:30, he wasn't happy about that... but school starts next week and we have to get ready. I'm starting to really stress about that. He's been pretty moody and I'm wondering if It's becaue he's nervous about middle school. Have to make sure my worries don't show, and stay positive!!!!

My eating was pretty bad :( I know, I said I would do well this week and so far I have just been getting worse everyday!
Iced coffee: w 2 tsp hazelnut coffeemate, 1 1/2 tsp sugar, 1/3 cup milk, 4 ice cubes
Lunch: Hungry Howies- less than 1/2 turkey club sub, 3 small slices pizza, 3 small cheese sticks, Water
Snack: 1 Pear
Dinner: Romaine and Spinach Salad (w hot pepper rings, 1 1/2 tbs light ranch, croutons, shredded cheese) 1 cheese stick, Water
Snack: 2 bowls sugary cereal
Total Water: 42oz
No excuses. I did horrible. On top of the lunch, I am full. I hate feeling full now :(
I need to get to the grocery store, I know Ray's Mom will take me. Maybe tomorrow... Still, there were plenty of other options in the house. I tried to do well the rest of the day since lunch was so bad... then ruined it with cereal. You know I love cereal and am not going to stop eating it at this point, but NO WAY did I need 2 bowls. I am now full and feel like crap.

That Iced coffee is the best I've had yet, had a little more coffee then usual in it too. I'm not going to add milk everyday though. It came to 110 calories, I'm going to try to bring that number back down some. I'll just have it like that once in a while ;)

A good thing about today, I did get on the treadmill. I really didn't want to... but how could I ruin my streak? I would have to start all over! I can't do that!!!! Not to mention those of you who cheer for me as that number goes up!!!! That's the main reason I can't stop doing it :)
Treadmill: 15 minutes/ .50 mile
Total Days in a Row: 21

Today sucked. I know it, you know it.
I really want to wake up positive, and have a great day tomorrow :) I can do it! I hope you all have a good night, and also have a great day tomorrow!

Monday, August 30, 2010

Can't I Freeze Time??? Just for a While??? ;)

First I have a new follower :) Thank you Allen for joining me in my day!

I was talking about a little dilemma I have with blogging in the last post. I always leave a comment on EVERY post I read. I have been trying not to, only because my list has grown a lot latley... I'm still reading, and commenting, but not EVERY post... But it's been hard lol. I like to comment :) And after reading all of your comments yesterday, I know that I can't just not-comment when I want to! I love and appreciate your comments so much, and also like to leave them on your blogs. So it's back to buisness as usual :)

I just got done reading all of my blog role and leaving comments. It took over 3 hours (it could have took a little longer because I didn't read half of them yesterday)... and there is no way I can stay up this late when my son goes back to school... I don't know, I have to figure something out though lol. I will try and leave less comments on other blogs I'm not so attached to... and try to figure out some other ways to save time... less facebook? Checking the blog roll a few times a day? I'll figure something out! But not commenting is not an option hehe :) Thanks for all of your comments yesterday! Made me realize that I couldn't stop commenting even if I tried! lol, I just can't help it! :)

Ray and I had a great time last night at the fights! I'll see about posting some video tomorrow.

Here's what I ate yesterday:
Coffee: 2 tsp hazelnut coffeemate, 1 1/2 tsp sugar
Lunch: 'Italian' turkey sandwich (2 oz turkey, 8 pepperoni, 1 tbs mw, hot pepper rings on all natural whole wheat) 5 baby carrots, 5 grape tomatoes, 1 1/2 tbs light ranch, water
Drink @ fights: about 8 oz pepsi
Dinner: Taco Bell After fights at 11:30 pm- 1 nacho cheese chalupa, 1 hard taco, nachos bell grande, water
Total Water: about 40 oz
That is the first pop I've had in at LEAST a month. I'm ok with it, I'm not craving it or anything and I don't plan on having anymore for another long time :)
The taco bell? It was late and I was STARVING, but that's not an excuse. I could have come home and made something a lot healthier, I know. I know it wasn't the best choice, but I'm not mad at myself. I didn't have a crazy amount of calories yesterday... I think I'll be ok. On top of the calories for the taco bell though... I know that must have been a LOT of sodium (something I never used to think about, thanks a lot SkippyMom! lol :)

Here's what I ate today:
Iced Coffee: 2 tsp hazelnut coffeemate, 1 1/2 tsp sugar, ice
Lunch: 'Italian' turkey sandwich (this time with pepper jack cheese instead of pepper rings) 5 grape tomatoes, 7 baby carrots, 1 tbs light ranch
Dinner: 2 cups of my Easy Tuna Casserole (find in Recipes), 3/4 cup mixed asian stir fry style veggies, 1 1/2 cup milk
Snack: 1 Werther's
Snack: 2 cups cocoa Rice cereal with 1 cup ff skim milk
Total Water: 29 oz (not enough!)

K, I'm so tired! Gonna sit with the kid a minute, sounds like he's watching Ice Age 2, must not be anything on tv lol. Then it's off to bed! See you tomorrow :) I hope you all have a great night!

Oh my Goodness! You know I must have been tired! I forgot to write in my Treadmill time!
Saturday's Treadmill: 15 minutes/ .60 mile
Sunday's Treadmill: 15 minutes/ .58 mile
Total Days in a row: 20 Woo Hoo!!!

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Becasue I'm OCD like that???

Haha, let me explain.
Some of you may know that I don't ever go to the doctor (just once a year for my female junk) so I am NOT diagnosed with OCD. I'm not diagnosed with anything. My mother diagnosing me with bi-polar doesn't count lol. My worry that I could be diabetic doesn't count either... NOTHING official.

But over the years I have seen things on tv about people with OCD, and just have been wowed by how I do alot of the same stuff. Not severe like some I've seen! No, I would say very minor. In fact, I have gotten better as I've gotten older. It was way worse when I was a kid I think. (I used to do weird stuff, most to do with counting... I only catch myself sometimes now though)

Well, I was reading a blog the other day, and she said that because of her Obsessive Compulsive personality, she has to comment on EVERY blog she reads. It made me smile, because I have the same thing... but I didn't think it was because of that. I also didn't think it was a problem, until now that I follow more and more blogs!!! lol :) I am going to try not to comment on EVER SINGLE blog post I read though... but I can't make you any promises!!!!!

Another thing I guess I am obsessive about, it recording what I eat. Yesterday I was in a hurry and decided that one day without telling you what I eat won't hurt anything. I figure some of you couldn't care less hehe :) BUT it did hurt something, me!!! I couldn't stop thinking about it! Now All morning I have been running through what I ate yesterday in my mind, so if I don't write it down it's not going to leave me alone!!! Maybe it's OCD, or maybe it's guilt. Because I didn't do well yesterday, and not writing it would make me feel guilty? Well anyway, my brain really needs a rest, so here you go :)

What I ate Friday:
Drink: (104) Iced Coffee w 2 tsp hazelnut coffee mate, 1 1/2 tsp sugar, 1/4 cup ff skim milk, ice
Lunch: (398) Sandwich (2 oz turkey, 8 pepperonis, hot pepper rings, 1 tbs mw on whole what), 5 grape tomatoes, 5 baby carrots, 1 tbs light ranch, water

This is where it goes down hill fast....
Snack: (360) McDonalds- chicken sandwich
Snack: (180) eclair ice cream bar
Dinner: (444) 1 1/2 cups broccoli tuna helper. 1 1/2 cups peas, 1 slice buttered whole wheat toast, water
Snack: (210) s'mores pop tart
Snack: (360) Hot S'mores poptart with vanilla ice cream and chocolate (see pic)
Snack: (70) 3 Werther's through out the day
Total Water: 67 oz
Total Calories: 2126
There you have it. Lots of snacking and none of it healthy.
I started off good, then Ray called and asked what I wanted from McDonald's. Nothing I already ate (yay me!) But he brought me a chicken sandwich, sat it in my lap... and instead of giving it back, I ate it (boo me). I over ate for dinner and then snacked on what ever I wanted... but now that I look at it, it isn't as bad as I thought. BUT it is bad, because I ate when I wasn't hungry, a few times!!! There is NO excuse for all that unhealthy snacking...
That s'mores concoction is something I dreamed up and used to snack on, but this is the first time this year I've had it... and at 360 calories probably the last lol.

It's a new day, and now this is off my chest and I can move on :)

Talked to Jeff, he said he can do everything on the list from the mechanic. BUT he doesn't sound like he's in a hurry... I told him that school starts soon, so I hoped to have it all done with next week... he still doesn't seem to be in a hurry. I will call him again Monday morning, and if he doesn't sound like it's going to get done soon, I'll call someone else. I would just rather save money with him doing it, and give him money because they need it over there... he's not working so I hope he decides to make this a priority. We'll see. I love him, but just don't get him sometimes... haha sound familiar? In the meantime, I will drive it as little as possible. And be waking up the whole neighborhood with all the grinding noises it's making, when Ray has to be to work at 4am... ugh.

Going to do the treadmill early today, since I'll be gone tonight. I'm a little worried about what we'll be eating tonight... but I'll do fine :)  I'll probably be home pretty late, so I'll be back tomorrow!!!
Have a good day!!!

Friday- Weigh Day

And the scale says...
That's only one pound down this week,
but you know me!
I'm happy with ANY LOSS, especially
a pound or over, so WOO HOO! :)
This makes my total loss 41 pounds,
If I loose .2 pounds next week,
I'll be back 'in the green'
Got on the Treadmill EVERY day this week.
Making my totals: 1 hour 5 minutes/ 4.70 miles
.70 miles more than last week :)

I have to make this quick, I am holding up the dvd player lol. Ray will just have to wait a couple more minutes :)
I had a LOT of stress today... and I am sad to report, I ate a lot too. BUT I don't know that it was from the stress... I really don't think it was.
As you may know, I'm trying to save up $1200 which is going to be very hard for me. WELL the total on the car today came to$1800! Obviously I can't do that. So we're going to see what Jeff (step dad) can do with the car. Honestly, I felt like crying all morning... Why can't we ever catch a break!!! But I didn't, and soon stopped feeling sorry for myself and realized it could be so much worse. I ended up taking a nap and the rest of the day was better.

My Mom called, pretty much to apologize and invite us over for a labor day cook out. I'm glad she called to apologize, but the whole fight was about my decision to NOT go over there anymore! Ugh... she just doesn't get it...

My eating started off good, but went downhill. Like I said, I don't think it was stress- it was just me not doing a good job... Just eating and not thinking... I don't know. I do know it isn't going to take me half the week to get back to doing well, that starts NOW.

Didn't I say this was going to be short? Haha, I forgot. I gotta go, I'll see you tomorrow!
Well... tomorrow we have plans :) Ray won some tickets to go see some MMA fights live downtown, so we are going on a rare night out :)  And I do mean RARE. His mom is going to come get us, and take our son and come pick us up when it's done! So I won't even have to worry about driving!!! I'm going to just ignore all the stress and have a great time :)
I'll be back soon though lol :)

OH! I felt sooo full, but I got on the treadmill anyway.
10 minutes/ .33 miles
Total days in a row on the treadmill: 18
I know, not that great, BUT I got on it... believe me I did NOT want to.
Ok, gotta go! For real! The natives are getting restless!!!
Have a good night!

Friday, August 27, 2010

My ring sure is loose...

First let me thank my newest follower, knote. Thank you so much for joining me in My Day! If you have a blog, feel free to leave me a comment- I would love to check it out. (I don't know if it's just me? But I can't find any one's blog by their name... only if I click on it in a 'comments' section...) Either way, I am so happy to have you! :)
I noticed last night how loose my engagement ring is, it has to be the loosest it's EVER been! I even took it off and made Ray put it back on me, (He remembers having to FORCE it on there when he first popped the question) and he said "Dang!" Which I know means, "Wow Tina, it went on so easily! I'm so proud of you!" Hehe :)
SO I am expecting a loss tomorrow. I will be happy with ANY loss of course, and if it's a gain??? I guess I will be ok with that, because the first half of this week was pretty bad... and I didn't make the best decisions today... but I think it will be a loss :)

Today was pretty stressful, but I didn't let it send me to the fridge. My car is giving me trouble, which is the LAST thing I need right now, the mechanic couldn't get me in today, so I couldn't make my sons doc appointment, he needs 2 shots for school... I could go on... but I won't :) It's all ok, I am going back to the mechanic tomorrow and hoping for the best. I can get my son into the health clinic for the shots, which is much closer to home anyway! So send my car good vibes and hope it isn't expensive please!!!!!!! :)

What I ate today:
Drink: (84) Coffee with 2 tsp hazelnut coffee mate, 1 1/2 tsp sugar
Lunch: (600?) chips and cheese (about 11 with taco meat, sour cream and tomatoes) 1 taco, Water
Dinner: (310) 1 pizza bun (1/2 hamburger bun, mozz, 3 pepperonis, pizza sauce) romaine spinach salad (with 3 grape tomatoes, 1 1/2 tbs light ranch, croutons, hot pepper rings) Water
Snack: (200) Bowl of frosted wheat puffs with ff skim milk
Total Water: 46 oz
Total Calories: 1184
Not the best choices for lunch. I tried to eat light the rest of the day though.
The last 2 days I havn't had my coffee iced, It's warm... and it's pretty good lol. I'm going to use a little less sugar too, if I can :)
A while back Mama Page, over at My Life~My Journey, had a picture on a post of her pizza buns. This reminded me of how my Dad used to make something similar when we were little. I hadn't ever made them, but thought- that would be a great way to hold off pizza cravings! Well, I forgot all about it until the other day. We had to use up the rest of these buns... so I made pizza buns :) They come out to about 152 calories each. They came out very good, and only had ONE! I am proud of that lol. I wasn't craving pizza either though... so that will be the real test. I could even buy whole wheat buns to make it a little healthier...

Treadmill Today: 20 minutes/ .80 mile
Total Days in a Row: 17
Today we didn't have the air on, because it was beautiful out. But it made me sweat more on the treadmill tonight lol. That along with just eating made it an uncomfortable walk, but so glad I did it. It wasn't even a question- I knew I had too :) Once my son starts school, I'll try to get it done in the morning instead of at night.

See you tomorrow for the weigh in! I expect a loss, wish me luck!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

JUST ONE, and other tips

First let me thank my newest... supporter, toosexy4thisfat :) LOL, supporter does sound better than follower doesn't it??? So NON-cult like :) Thank you so much for joining me in my day! And of course everyone that has been joining me and leaving comments!!!

Just Me had a great suggestion in yesterdays comments I'd like to share. Use baby spoons!!! (Or small spoons) That just makes so much sense... The food would last longer, as I would be eating slower (which is a lot of my problem!) So for now I'm not going to use the big spoons I always use, but the smaller ones. And get some baby spoons for deserts! I love that idea :) Thanks!
Does anyone else have any simple tips? Some seem so obvious, but sometimes I just don't even think about it! One I heard a while back that I thought was good is: Set your fork down after EVERY bite. I think it's a great idea, I just never do it!

Today I didn't follow one of my own, which is JUST ONE. We had manwiches for dinner, and I was really hungry. I made me 2 of them. And of course, I ate them both. But I was pretty full when I was done! If I would have only made ONE, I would have had to get back up and prepare another one... and I'm sure I would have realized I didn't even want it!!!!! Other than that I think I did ok today.

What I ate:
Lunch: (457) Tuna Sandwich (with slice of pepper jack, 1 tbs mw, on whole wheat), 10 baby carrots, 1 1/2 tbs light ranch, Water
Snack: (180) Chocolate Eclair ice cream bar
Drink: (92) coffee w 2 tsp sugar, 2 tsp hazelnut coffee mate
Snack: (23) Werther's
Dinner: (590) 2 manwich (with 97% lean beef, 1/2 slice pepper jack each) 11 tortilla chips.
Total Water: 42 oz
Total Calories: 1342 + 360 for my late night cereal snack. New total: 1702
I know I need to add more fruits and veggies... My son eats more of them than me (do as I say not as I do lol) and today I had cut him up a bunch of apple slices and 1/2 are in a baggie in the fridge because it was pretty big... I think that might help me eat more, If I already have them cut up and ready. Kind of like the baby carrots. We'll see :)

Treadmill Today: 25 minutes/ 1 mile :)
Total days in a row: 16
Did a mile :) Nothing for some people, but I was sweating for sure :) Not as bad as I thought I would be though! It's probably been at least 2 months since I did a mile. I plan on doing a mile everyday, but if I don't I won't beat myself up. At this point I just have to make sure I get on it EVERY DAY no matter how long... but that mile sure did feel good :)
I have no pain if my back, I still feel it... but it's not pain. More like a tightness in one spot... but I'll take that over the pain :)

I'm pretty hungry and might give in and have some cereal... I'll add it later if I do. AND I'll use a little spoon!!!
Have a good night everybody! And a good tomorrow!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Well, I didn't win the lotto...

That would have solved a lot of my problems, ALMOST all of them. But is was not to be. Should have known better, we NEVER play because I am so unlucky when it comes to things like that lol. Oh well.

Even though I tried to not think about things, I was kind of an emotional wreck today. But I got some crying out and over with, so now time to move on! I feel great right now :)

I did do ok as far as eating. I wasn't hungry until dinner (like yesterday), I don't know if it's my nerves or what! I spent all last week starving, and now I'm just not hungry... maybe I'm getting a little help from above? If I am, I better not waste it huh? :)

What I ate today:
Breakfast: (352) Slice of whole wheat toast w peanut butter, coffee
Lunch: (130) Fiber Plus Bar
Dinner: (715) 1 cup Orange Chicken w 1 cup white rice (2 servings), about 3/4 cup of mixed veggies (frozen-asain stir fry style)
Snack: (280) 1 cup ice cream
Snack: (23) 1 Werther's
Snack: (23) 1 Werther's
Total Water: 37 oz
Total Calories: 1523
I didn't need 2 servings of dinner, I was full... It takes a bit for that rice to catch up to you. I really need to concentrate on EATING SLOWER.
The ice cream, I'm not mad I had ice cream, but it should have been 1/2 a cup. I would have been satisfied if I ate it slow. Honestly? I said to myself 'You can have it, you didn't have that many calories today' but that was just... dumb.

What wasn't dumb? I got on the treadmill :) Very not-dumb lol.
Today: 15 minutes/ .59 mile
On it 15 days in a row :)
My back feels ok today. It's been about a week now, and today is the best it's felt. If it feels good tomorrow, I'm going to try and start doing a mile every day. Now that I feel like it's habit, I think I can do that again now, without dreading it. Baby steps :)

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

The Serenity Prayer

Been Better, but Could ALWAYS be Worse...

First I have to thank Just Me, for 'officially' joining me in My Day!!! Welcome and THANK YOU!
And everyone else that left comments yesterday, I was really in a bad place and felt so much better reading them. Thank you so much.
I only feel bad that there are some new names, that will have that angry depressed person be the first memory of my blog... NOT what I had in mind when I started it... but we all have those days right?
I live by IT COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE... and I had to remind myself that today. I am still a little down, but it really could be worse. I have my son, my fiance and that's what's really important :)

Nothing new as far as the drama. I am trying my hardest not to think about it... but honestly it kind of consumes my mind. I just have such a hard time understanding her, and how she can be so selfish. I just know that in my life my son comes first... and can't comprehend how her kids never did, and now her grandson doesn't either.... I don't know.... I'll never understand I guess. It's always something with her...
But I am still trying, I have to just get past it and move on. If/when she ever calls again, I'll deal with it. Right now there is really nothing I can do so I'm going to try and not let it bring me down...
Rephrase that. It did bring me down... but I'm not going to let it KEEP me down.
I really been messing up as far as food. But that stops now. Not tomorrow, right now. Back to the plan.

Here's what I ate today:
Drink: (84) Iced coffee
Snack: (90) Special K snack bar- Mocha
Dinner: (930) 3 slices of pizza, Water
Snack: (35) 1 bite of ice cream
Total Water: 58 oz (so far!)
Total Calories: 1139
Well, that was not the plan. I didn't mean to go till dinner without really eating... I was pretty depressed and surprisingly NOT hungry for once. I have been thirsty ALL day though!
I got busy on the laundry and took it to dry at the laundromat, I realized I hadn't eaten anything and had the snack bar before I left. (btw, I was pretty afraid that would hurt my back even worse than it is, but it actually feels about the same. Maybe even a little better?)
I am now tired of pizza, yeah you read that right. TIRED OF PIZZA. I know, it's crazy. I have only felt that way once before about my beloved pizza, and it is weird lol. But I am. Maybe because I ate it and this time it did not comfort me??? Either way, I hope this feeling last and I can stay away from it for a while!!! My body and my bank account need the break, BIG TIME.

Through all this I did stay on the treadmill :) Today's is:
15 minutes/ .55 mile
Total Days in a Row: 14

I am so glad I didn't stop doing that. The one thing I can be proud of :) OH! and not giving into my Pepsi craving!!! It has been hard!

Thanks to you all who have stuck by me. I know that stress is NO EXCUSE for heading to the fridge, and if I continue to let it throw me off course I will gain back all of the weight I lost. Making all that work, be for nothing. AND gain more! So I am rededicating myself to my plan right now. I can do this and I WILL. One day at a time.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Dear Mother,

I know you aren't normal
(Oh how I wish)
but that is no excuse
for being so selfish.

I know you're depressed
maybe 'bipolar' even
but I'm telling you,
That is not a good reason.

That's not an out
for being a shitty mother.
But you don't care,
not one way or the other.

All you care about is yourself,
the well being of no one
The saddest part:
not even your own grandson

But that's how it's always been,
No use explaining what I do.
You'll never get how I put my son first,
The only 'first' in your life is you.


Sunday, August 22, 2010

I've Been Better

Hi. I've only missed one day, but it seems like longer to me. I really don't know what happened. I just started feeling really down. No reason. Well, now that I look at it, maybe just a sinking feeling because I knew something was coming??? Maybe I'm psychic.
So anyway, I felt down. I didn't write yesterday, Then today I felt worse. Then my Mother called tonight, and made it 10 times worse. Then she hung up on me, making it 20 times worse. Bitch.

My Mother thinks she is the only one in the world that gets depressed. She also thinks it's an excuse to be a selfish bitch and not care about anyone but herself. Oh poor Mother... whatever. I think she forgot who she was talking to when she hung up on me. Well I called her back and let her have it. She really wants that kind of relationship with me? Hang up on each other??? What the fuck?????
SO after we are done fighting some more, I tell her "Fine. Call me back when you grow up." and hung up on her. Ha, maybe not the most mature thing to do... but if that's how she wants it. She called back, the machine picked up. She should have said I'm sorry, and I would have picked up. But of course not. I hear "SO THIS IS REALLY HOW YOU WANT TO..." And CLICK, because I picked up and hung it up. I'll talk to her when she's ready to apologize.
So yeah, I've been pretty upset. I was shaking when I hung up and really felt like I was going to throw up. My back hurts pretty bad. It sucks. I feel like shit. My period started yesterday. Yeah, I've been better.

I stayed up all night Friday night. Got hungry about 2:30am Sat. So this is what I ate between 2:30 and 4.
about 1/2 cup of cheese chicken rice
1 cup ice cream
16 oz water

What I ate yesterday:
Breakfast: iced coffee, Fiber One bar
Lunch: 1/2 slice of pizza, Romaine salad with light ranch, croutons, cheddar, water
Dinner: taco bell- 1 cheesy gordita crunch, nachos bell grande, water
Snack: 3 Werther's throughout the day
Snack: 1 cup ice cream
Snack: 12 sunchips (only because there were only 12 left... otherwise I probably would have ate the whole bag
Total Water: about 40 oz?

What I ate today:
Iced coffee
5 slices of pizza
1 1/2 cup ice cream
2 Werther's
Total Water: 48 oz
All I ate today was pizza and ice cream. 2 of my FAVORITE things. They were delicious, but did not make me feel better. AT ALL.
My iced coffee is pretty good. 2 tsp hazelnut coffee mate, 2 tsp sugar. It's better when I leave it out a while and mix it with ice instead of putting it in the fridge at all. (Thanks!) Makes it about 92 calories, better than 200 for sure.
(Stayed up all night again, got hungry around 4am. Had 2 slices of pizza. ugh)

To all the blogs I follow: Sorry if I'm not leaving as many comments as usual. I'm still reading though :) Maybe your glad... I tend to leave a LOT of comments sometimes...

I CAN say that even though my eating is crap, I really wanted some pepsi- but I didn't have any. AND I have been staying on the treadmill.
Yesterday's Treadmill: 15 minutes/ .50 mile
Today's Treadmill: 15 minutes/ .55 mile
Total Days in a Row on the Treadmill: 13

Oh, here's some more good news. Some of you may remember how I was worried about how my brothers would take some news about me not going over there anymore. And how relieved I was that they seem fine and we're all cool. Well that's because she didn't tell them. So yeah, they are cool with it because they don't know about it yet. Ugh.

I may feel horrible right now. But I know it could always be worse, and this to shall pass. Hopefully sooner than later.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Weigh Day

And the scale says...
you'll never know, because now it sleeps with the fishes so it can't tell you...
OK... I didn't really hurt the scale, even though I wanted to... Here it is:
That's a 1.2 pound gain
So right at 40 pounds lost Total.
Got on the treadmill EVERY DAY :)
Making my Week Totals:
1 hour 4 minutes/ 4 miles
(that Total is going to go UP every week!)

I never wanted to see that 280 again! But we all know my eating was pretty bad this week. After yesterday I should be glad I didn't gain more I guess.
I feel ok though, I know I'll loose it this week :)

My back seems like it gets worse every day. It doesn't hurt at all on the treadmill, so I am not going to stop doing that. I think it's a pinched nerve or something... sometimes it's one spot, and others it's a large area. Ray was rubbing it today, and I made him quit because it was hurting my neck!? Weird.
So I didn't do the laundry... I know Ray would have carried it up and down the 2 sets of stairs... but I didn't want him to have to. And I didn't want to risk hurting myself more at the laundromat. Wet laundry is heavy lol. Hopefully it will be better Monday, because I'll be doing laundry for sure then!

What I ate Today:
Lunch: (483) Tuna sandwich w 1/8 cup cheddar, 1 tbs mw, hot pepper rings on whole wheat. 5 baby carrots, 1 tbs light ranch, 9 sunchips, water
Drink: (84) about 8 oz iced coffee with 2 tsp hazelnut coffee mate, 1 1/2 tsp sugar, 3 ice cubes :)
Snack: (23) 1 Werther's
Dinner: (1510) Papa John's- 1 1/2 slice 'Workin Fire' (pepperoni, jalapenos, sausage) 1 1/2 slice pepperoni, 4 small cheese sticks, pizza sauce, 3/4 garlic sauce, Water
Snack: (90) Yoplait Delights Chocolate raspberry parfait (yuck)
Snack: (200) Frosted Wheat Puffs w ff skim milk
Total Water: 37 oz
Total Calories: 2390
WAY to many calories. I had 2 slices of pizza, then got one more of each... but I got full and decided to stop eating. I put half of each slice back. I was proud of myself. i know I don't NEED 3 slices, but it's better than last times 5... the calories where still horrible, man those tiny cheese sticks add up!!! And the sauces! I'm sure I'll have left overs for lunch tomorrow, but I'll do a good job :)
My iced coffee came out good today :) mixed in the creamer and sugar, put it in the fridge for an hour and poured it over ice. It could have used more sugar, but I didn't want to add the calories. It was pretty good. Still plan on getting the liquid creamer, but Ray got a ride home and I slept in and ended up not going ANYWHERE today. It was 90, so I had a lazy day in the central air :)
I tried on of those Yoplait Delights like you see on tv, with the layer of raspberry over the chocolate. YUCK. They look really good and only 100 calories, (gave my son a bite, he is going to put one in the freezer for himself) but I don't like it at all.

Treadmill: 20 minutes/ .71 mile
Been on it 11 days in a row
I won't say it's habit yet, but it does feel like it. I'm back to just KNOWING I have to get on it, not thinking about whether I want to or not.

I know I didn't really start this week out well with the pizza, but I do feel good. I really thought about what I wanted to eat all day. I know this week is going to be better!

Friday, August 20, 2010

My Squirrel Made Me Do It!!!

I just love my squirrel :) He's the best.
Here's a picture of him from May (when my camera worked right!)
Here's one of him coming to take his treat from me at the door another day

This is my Squirrel :) He started coming around the end of last winter. He eventually started taking the food from my fingers and would take it to the edge of the porch and eat it. He came more and more. Then it was EVERY DAY. As soon as I would open the door he would come running to get his treat (a big glob of peanut butter on bread or a cracker). He even started scratching at the door! If he came and I didn't see it, he would scratch, just to say "Hey it's me! I'm hear, come feed me please!"
WELL, he stopped coming one day. 2 months went by and I was pretty sad. I thought he must have been hit by a car :(
Then about 3 weeks ago he came back!!! I knew it was him because he is pretty scruffy looking with a weird patch at the base of his tail. He came right up to the door, but I didn't have any peanut butter! So I got him some bread... he is spoiled I guess, because he thinks he's to good for plain ole bread lol. He sniffed it, and even grabbed my hand! Then he turned around and left and didn't come back for another 2 weeks!!!! I bought peanut butter, and when he finally did come back a couple days ago, HE IGNORED ME! I think he was mad at me! LOL! I threw it to him, and he took it and ate it.
He was back out there today. I got him his treat and went to the door, I didn't even have to open it. I called him (a click-click-click noise with my mouth) and he came running :) He came right up to me like old times and got his treat and ate it at the corner of the porch :)
It's the little things that make me happy I guess :)

It may not seem like it... but this rambling story about my squirrel is leading up to another point :)
While I was getting his treat, I had way to much peanut butter on the spoon. I automatically ate it! As soon as it was in my mouth I had a "oh crap" moment. How many calories did I just mindlessly shove in my mouth!?!?! I'll tell you how many: 95. It may not seem like a lot in the grand scheme of things, but to just shove in my mouth? Without even thinking or wanting it??? THAT adds up!
How many times do I do that without even thinking??? I do it a LOT. And I swear, sometimes when I come and write down what I eat, I don't even remember it! It is just SO automatic. I mean, I remember if I do it with ice cream, or today's peanut butter, because it's not something I do all the time... but Cheese, that is the worst one. If I am making something and using shredded cheese I automatically take a pinch and eat it! A good size little pinch is 55 calories! I probably do that every other day, if I'm eating tuna sandwiches all week, then maybe EVERY DAY!

That has to stop. Instead of remembering what I ate at the end of the day, I am going to write it all down on paper as I eat it. That way NOTHING will be missed, and maybe I will think twice before eating it!
All of my crazy snacking and over eating also HAS to stop. I don't know if I can call the treadmill habit yet, but I am confident I won't stop doing it anytime soon. So I need to concentrate on my eating. I HAVE to do better.

What I ate Today:
Brunch: (455) 1/2 a ham and cheese omelet, 1 sausage patty, 8 oz orange juice
Snack: (95) 1 tbs peanut butter- Mindless Bite
Snack: (45) 1 bite of Heavenly Hash ice cream
Snack: (23) 1 werther's
Snack: (35) 1 bite of Mint ice cream (this was another of those mindless bites, while getting my sons ice cream)
Drink: (100?) Iced coffee with hazelnut coffee mate, milk, and sugar
Snack: (210) about 20 sunchips
Snack while making dinner: (55) pinch of cheddar- Mindless Bite
Dinner: (910) Asparagus stuffed chicken, 1 1/2 cups of chicken rice w/ cheddar, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: (200) Bowl of frosted puffed wheat cereal with 1 cup ff skim milk
Total Water: 42 oz
Total Calories: 2128
Ray made breakfast, it was very good.
I liked my iced coffee today, but I didn't remember how much of everything I used! So I'm guessing it was about 100 because I used more sugar today... Tomorrow I plan on trying liquid creamer and see how that goes :) Lots of mindless snacking today. I'm not against bites of things... IF after I thought about it, I really want that bite. These are just 'Shove it in my mouth without thinking bites' and they have to go. From now on, I hope you never see "mindless bite" next to anything again!!!
The sunchips? I wasn't even hungry for them, they were on the table and I was making dinner and grabbed them. Ugh.. I've done worse as far as calories and fast food ect. But today I feel like it's so bad because it was just so much mindless eating! It really feels like a step back :(
But it's ok, tomorrow is Friday. My weigh in and a new week. A great day to start really trying harder!

Treadmill: 15 minutes/ .58 mile
10 days in a row on it! :)
My back hurt all day, but I took something and it felt great while I was on the treadmill. Hopefully it will start to feel better.

I have done pretty bad with my eating this week. I'm hoping the extra exercise with bike training, and doing the treadmill ALL WEEK will help me out on the scale :) Also I have to get up early and do laundry and go dry it at the laundry mat. That might help too. Wish me Luck!!!!
See you tomorrow!

Thursday, August 19, 2010


Well, today my iced coffee experimenting didn't go as well. Yesterday I liked it, just knew I had to tweak it a little... but today it was Yuck. Yesterday Morning I made it, and added the creamer and put it in the fridge for a while. It was cold, but not ice cold how I want it, but after I added a little milk and sugar it tasted pretty good. WELL I figured I would make me a cup last night, add the creamer and let it sit in the fridge over night. It didn't come out so good... I think having the creamer sit over night ruined it??? I added more sugar, and even some chocolate, it helped but it still wasn't very good. Kind of chalky. I think I am going to have to find some of that liquid creamer... Is it in the coffee isle? Or is it refrigerated? I'm guessing the syrup form the dollar store isn't refrigerated... I don't drink coffee, just my already made iced coffee in a bottle lol. And maybe about 5 cups of coffee over the rest of my life... You HAVE to add boiling water to the instant coffee first so it will dissolve right??? I mean, you can't just start out with cold water... right?
My plan is to eventually have it how I want it, make the instant coffee and put it in a picture in the fridge, and just have it over ice whenever I want... but I guess this powder creamer doesn't work that way lol...

We went and practiced with the bike some more. He is doing very well, I'm so proud of him. I know it's 10 times harder than it was for me (or any other little kid) because he didn't get to practice with training wheels, he isn't even used to the pedaling motion or steering! So he has to learn all of this at the same time. His legs are a little bruised and scratched, but he is doing very well. We are taking a break from it tomorrow, maybe we will go to the lake...

After bike lessons we went to his favorite restaurant, a Chinese buffet (a different one then me and Ray's favorite lol). I did really good, these where the smallest plates I have ever had!

Here's what I ate today:
Snack 4 and 5am: (380) 2 bowls of cereal (frosted wheat puffs and Special K vanilla almond) w ff skim milk
Lunch: Buffet- (1000?) 2 small plates. Plate One: 1 serving of parmesan chicken, 4 little pieces of sweet and sour chicken, 2 crab rangoon, 1 egg role and room on the plate for a BOWL with sweet and sour sauce! Plate 2: 2 or 3 bites of each- jalapeno chicken, broccoli chicken, baked chicken, white rice. About 6 bites of hawaiian chicken. 20 oz WATER. Dessert: 1 bite of banana pudding (i thought it was vanilla when I got it!). about 3 bites of chocolate pudding, and 2 bites of ice cream (I didn't really like it, usually I would have ate it all anyway though lol. NOT today) and 1 tiny cake... thing.
Snack: (245) My mess of an iced coffee, fiber plus bar
Dinner Late: (438) Romain salad with 1 tbs light ranch, 1/4 cup cheddar, 10 popcorn chicken. 10 tater tots. Water
Snack: (35) 1 bite of mint ice cream
Total Water: 72 oz
Total Calories: 2098 ?(1103 + Lunch)
I don't know how many calories I had for lunch... I am tired and not going to try and figure it out right now. I am happy with how I did, but I know that dessert was probably a lot, so I'll round it to an even 1000. I kind of think it was less... but we'll go with that.
I should not have had all that for dinner though! I was just going to have a salad, I wasn't that hungry, but it smelled so good and I gave in. Definite NO NO.
A little bit ago I REALLY wanted some ice cream... no I'm not hungry, just wanted something sweet. I finally gave in and had ONE bite. I'm good with that :)

Treadmill: 15 minutes/ .57 miles  3 minutes with 2 LB weights. My back started pinching and I had to put the weights down :(  It has been a dull ache all day, but since the treadmill it hurts :(
On the Treadmill 9 Days in a row :)

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Iced Coffee, Bike Riding Lessons and a Back Ache

My back hurts :(

Today was a good day over all. Stressful, hard, but good.

Today Ray and I took our son to ride his bike. Well, to teach him to ride it. I know, him not knowing how is a HUGE FAIL on our parts. I feel horrible about it. He just never wanted to have anything to do with it... I would watch my Mom's sister FORCE her son to do it and he hated it sooo bad... and maybe that's part of the reason mine didn't want anything to do with it??? Well, I should have forced him anyway I guess.
I wanted him to, and would try over the years but he just DID NOT WANT TO. Ray did not help me and made it seem like I should leave him alone... and finally I did. Ray also made it seem like it wasn't a big deal, because HE never learned how to ride a bike. But it is a big deal to me. I really liked riding my bike when I was little, and I think my son would too! I am so mad at myself for not making him sooner... but I figure it's better late than never?
SO I kind of made Ray back me up on this, and today was our first lessons. We went out to this huge church parking lot where we wouldn't be bothered (and he wouldn't be embarrassed) and did our best.
You remember teaching your child to ride his/her bike? Well, imagine trying to teach an 11 year old boy, who is almost as tall as you, and to heavy for training wheels... it is not easy. It was VERY stressful, but after about 2 hours, I think we made some progress.

On our way home we stopped at my brothers and had Jeff raise the handle bars (we did the seat fine, but needed a larger wrench for this) so that should help some for tomorrows lessons.
We did not go in at all, just stayed outside. Everyone came out and said hi, and knew we weren't staying. Mom showed us the little fish... pond/bowl she has in the yard now. Cute. I'm guessing Mom told them we are not coming over anymore... but maybe she didn't. They all acted fine though, no one is mad at me that I can tell, so that's good.

Ever since we left there, I have had this pain in my back. It started out as a small circle of pain, and has now spread to a large part of my back. It hurts most when I'm sitting, like right now. I must have pulled something... I'm hoping it heals on it's own and all will be fine. Having back problems is the last thing I need right now.

Here's what I ate today:
Breakfast: (214) Cold Coffee(with 2 tsp hazelnut creamer, 1/4 cup milk, 1/4 tsp sugar) and a Fiber Plus bar
Lunch: NOTHING, off with bike lessons lol
Snack: (300) 1 cup of Heavenly Hash ice cream
Dinner: (714) Left over Taco Soup over tortilla chips and cheddar, water
Snack: (24) about 1/3 of a pear (53 grams)
Snack: (190) bowl of frosted wheat puffs with 1 cup ff skim milk
Total Water: 47 oz
Total Calories: 1442
I think I did OK. I could have skipped the chips and cheese at dinner, but I'm not mad at myself.
I took Tessa's advise and tried some home made Cold coffee! I got instant coffee, and a Hazelnut creamer. (I forgot about the suggestion of liquid syrup, and got powdered coffee mate. I WILL be checking the dollar store thanks to Colenic!) It was pretty good... It wasn't quite cold enough so not really 'iced' lol. Once I get it how I like it, I'll make a whole pitcher for the fridge, and it will be perfect. To the 1 cup of coffee and creamer, I added 1/4 cup milk and 1/4 tsp of sugar... I'm guessing the kind I'm used to is mostly milk and sugar LOL. It ended up to be 54 calories, A LOT better than 200! I'll keep working on it, till I get it how I want it... well, close to how I want it :) As close as I can get while keeping it far away from 200 calories hehe :)

Treadmill: 16 minutes/ .61 miles (5 minutes with 2 LB weights)
8 days in a row on it :)
My back felt fine the whole time, so that's good.

I know I need to get my food under control, I think I did better today. I'm hoping that if I do well for the rest of the week, and keep up on the treadmill, that the scale will be good to me :)

Out of Control Snacking

We ALWAYS have tortilla chips in the house, a lot of times Sunchips too. It's usually not a problem. BUT lately I have been snacking like CRAZY! And just craving chips and salty snacks. Why? I really don't know! I do know I have to get it under control though.

I had a head ache all day yesterday, and was hungry. On top of just wanting to snack, I was genuinely hungry all day.
Monday just started off bad. Those fritos were on the table (instead of out of site in the cupboard) and I grabbed them. So that's my breakfast... ugh. Then I tried to do well. And I did for the rest of the day until dinner, and I made Taco Soup. Very yummy and low in calories... NOT when I got done with it!
Then Ray and I stayed up all night catching up on the last season of Breaking Bad. What did I do? Eat chips! I don't know what's going on... or why I can't seem to control myself. There is NO excuse... Especially with the fruits and better choices in the house.

What I ate Monday:
Snack: fritos
Lunch: Tuna Sandwich on whole wheat (cheddar, miracle whip, hot pepper rings), 10 baby carrots, 1 1/2 tbs light ranch
Snack: 3 cookies and 1/2 cup ff skim milk
Dinner: 2 Cups of Taco soup with tortilla chips and cheddar, water
Snack: couple bites of pear
Snack LATE: fritos and Sunchips
Total Water: 55 oz

I have to get back to eating less at a time too. I know that I have stretched my stomach out, and that's why I am so hungry all the time. BUT there is still no excuse, I could be eating fruit and other healthier choices.

I did get on the treadmill. So glad I did, I have to make sure I get on it EVERYDAY!
Treadmill: 15 minutes/ .56 mile (5 minutes with 2 LB weights)
7 days in a row on it

Sunday, August 15, 2010

A New Day, A New Chance to do Great!

Good Morning!
Yes... I said good morning :) Even though it is 12:02pm... We all stayed up way to late, and I am just getting up.
I thought I better come look at those little rules again... just to remind me so I don't have a repeat of yesterday! (btw, I am also going back and writing down all that I ate... ugh... this must be what it feels like to go to confession...)
Here they are again:
Eat Slow
SMALL PORTIONS (this includes my JUST ONE rule, especially for pizza. That way if I want more than one, I will have to actually get up and think about what I'm doing... I am less likely to eat 5 pieces that way!)
Drink a lot of WATER- at least 40 oz per day
NO POP I've been doing good on that one :)
Choose Healthier Snacks
Eat More Fruits and Veggies
Get on the Treadmill EVERYDAY even if only for 10 minutes! But at this point I will really try to do at least 15.
I forgot the main one!!!
Listen to My Body! Before I get something to eat, I have to stop and ask myself  "Is that what you REALLY want to eat??" and of course "Are you really even hungry???"

Today will be much better, I can already tell :) I'll be back tonight with what I ate. I hope you all have a GREAT DAY!

Ok, I'm back. Today WAS better, but still not great. I didn't follow the CHOOSE HEALTHIER SNACKS rule today.
What I ate:
Drink: (67) 1/3 bottle iced coffee
Lunch: (250) Rice Medley (rice, peas, mushrooms, sauce- a Green Giant frozen box. yummy) Water
Snack: (140) 1/2 cup mint ice cream
Dinner: (890) Chimichanga(frozen) with chips and cheese and salsa, Romain Spinach Salad with light ranch, cheese, cheddar, croutons,Water
Snack: (250) Honey BBQ Frito twist
Snack: (360) 4 Double O's, 1 cup ff skim milk
Total Water: 40 oz
Total Calories: 1957
Dinner was a lot of calories, but I did think about what I really wanted, and that was it. I didn't know it was going to be THAT many calories... but I was fine with the day except having the 2 unhealthy snacks after that. Those Frito's used to be one of my FAVORITE snacks. I would eat the whole bag if I wasn't careful! But today, I didn't even like them. Which is good, so I shouldn't have a problem staying away from them! The double O's are another story.
I went to the store today, and as you can see got a little junk. BUT I also got good stuff. I got fruits, fruits I like! Now I just have to eat them... :)
I'm still in a good mood, despite my bad food choices. I just have to do better. I have planned out what I'm eating tomorrow, so it should be easier to stay on track!
Treadmill: 15 minutes/ .54 miles (five minutes with 2 lb weights)
On it 6 days in a row!

Can we pretend I didn't eat anything today?

I don't know what happened. I did horrible today with my eating. All those things I listed yesterday? Completely out the window. I feel like crap. I'm not even going to write what all I ate. Just that I over ate big time for dinner, and just ate to much through out the day. Also had 2 iced coffees... I bet I came close to 3000 calories...

Even though I am full and it's late, I did jump on the treadmill. I did so bad with the food, I didn't want to ruin my little streak too!!!
Treadmill: 15 minutes/ .54 miles (5 minutes with 2 Lb weights)
Consecutive days: 5

Tomorrow I will do better. I know that if I don't do good this week, I will gain and see those 280s again. I really don't want to. Those rules I wrote yesterday? I'm going to come look at them again first thing in the morning, and follow them!
Hope you all had a better day!!! And have a good night :)

OK, I'm back. I am the first one to say: Always write down what you eat, no matter what. And I didn't do that yesterday... I think once we ordered the pizza I knew I wasn't, I thought 'I can take just ONE day off.' Mostly because I didn't want to report that I ordered pizza AGAIN... and that was a HUGE mistake... a mistake to order it, but a bigger mistake not to write it... maybe if I stuck to my own rule I would have only ate 2, maybe 3 slices.... so anyway, here it is... WARNING: not for sensitive viewers, you may want to take you children out of the room for the following broadcast...
What I ate yesterday (Saturday)
Snack 4:30am: large bowl of Frosted Wheat Puffs Cereal w ff skim milk
Lunch: Tuna Sandwich with 5 baby carrots, 1 1/2 tbs light ranch
Snack (more like second lunch): leftovers- 3.2 oz chicken and 1 cup red beans and rice, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: bowl of Frosted Wheat Puff Cereal w ff skim milk
Snack: 1 Werther's
Drink: iced coffee
Snack: Werther's
Dinner: Ordered Papa John's- 3 large slices of Fire.. something Pizza (jalapenos, sausage, pepperoni, extra cheese) 2 large slices of pepperoni pizza, Water
Drink: 2/3 bottle iced coffee
Snack: 1 Werther's
Total Water: 69 oz
Total Calories: A LOT
Phew! Glad that's over with!
K, On to today- which will be MUCH better!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Time for the Weekly Weigh In...

And the scale says...
That's .4 pounds lost, 41.2 pounds TOTAL :)
I don't mind that it's not a lot, a loss is a loss!
Every little loss makes me smaller,
and that TOTAL bigger!
This week I got on the treadmill 3 days,
making my totals 45 minutes/ 1.72 miles

I have to tell you that that wasn't my usual weigh in. I planned on getting up early and getting all the laundry done, but it didn't happen. I got up late, did all the laundry, brought it to the laundromat, folded it all and THEN weighed in. On only an iced coffee all day! So of course I'll take it, because I am over joyed that I don't have to record anything in the 280s, but it's not REALLY my weight... does that make sense??? lol, it does in my mind... Anyway, I will have to work hard this week to make sure I loose from that irregular weigh in.

What I ate today:
Drink: (200) 9.5 oz iced coffee
Snack: (47) 2 Werther's (while I cooked dinner)
Dinner: (350) 3.8 oz chicken and 3/4 cup of red beans and rice, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: (280) sundae nut cone
Snack: (23) Werther's
Snack: (39) 5 yogurt covered raisins
Snack@ 2am: (245) bowl of frosted puffed wheat cereal w 1 cup ff skim milk
Total Water: 42 oz
Total Calories: 1184 Definitely not my normal day (except for the bad choices in snacks that are so familiar lately!). For dinner I was starving, and got a big helping. BUT I ate slow, and got full and only ate about 2/3 of what was on my plate :) AND I didn't touch the left over pizza in the fridge :)

I need to get back on track now. Enough messing around! Here are some things I plan on doing to help me do better. They are the same as the ones I started out with... I just haven't followed them in a long time now...
Eat Slow
Get small portions (this includes my JUST ONE rule, especially for pizza. That way if I want more than one, I will have to actually get up and think about what I'm doing... I am less likely to eat 5 pieces that way!)
Drink a lot of WATER- at least 40 oz per day
NO POP I've been doing good on that one :)
Choose healthier snacks
Eat more Fruits and Veggies
Get on the treadmill EVERYDAY even if only for 10 minutes! But at this point I will really try to do at least 15.
I think those are the main ones. Baby steps :)

And speaking of the treadmill...
Total Treadmill: 15 minutes/ .60 mile
Consecutive Days on the Treadmill: 4

A little news on the more personal level, today was a little rough for Ray. He is definitely having a hard day today... he is very irritable and short tempered. He realizes this though and is doing his best. It has been 5 days now and I am so proud of him. He says his mind is racing, and he doesn't feel right. I'm sure he's having trouble sleeping... It's been about 15 years since he's been clean... so I know it's going to be hard. I'm being very patient and understanding... so far ;) He also admitted that he feels better at work already, not about it not being in his system- because it still is... but just the working. He said he feels like he is working better without getting tired, so that's good :) (He works a physically demanding job)

Everything is still great though :) Going to try and go to bed soon. Have a good night!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Measurements and A New Pic

First, I would like to welcome a new 'follower' Jo! Thank you for joining me in My Day! :)

Second, I have some measurements... fun stuff huh? Not really lol, I had NEVER measured myself in my life until January of this year. It was a pain in the butt, but I'm glad I did it, to have something to look back on. I am big ALL over. So I measured everything, knowing I would loose everywhere. I really don't want to list all of my measurements... unless you want to know lol. Then I guess I would tell you :) But for now here's the main ones, taken on 8/8/10. In INCHES LOST
Bust: 3 3/4 inches!
Waist: 4 1/2  inches!
Hips: 2 1/2 inches!
Woo Hooo!!!! As I mentioned, I had never measured myself before, and hope I did it in the right places lol. I do have to share  with you, that when I did it in January, my hips where bigger than the tape measure... So 'off the charts' I guess you could say... But there was white at the end, and I estimated the inches, and now they are ON the charts :) I was very happy to see that. I don't know that it is all 100% accurate, I really tried to do it EXACTLY like I did last time, but that was a while ago... So my leg and arm measurements may be off. But The 2 things I can be SURE of is my wrist and my ankle, I mean- even I can't mess that up right???? haha :)
Wrist: 3/4 inch
Ankle: 1/4 inch
Crazy. I can feel that I had lost inches in my waist because of how things fit... but I am surprised at the numbers. Very happy :) It kind of validates that it's not just wishful thinking I guess... because even when I feel it I kind of think 'oh, it could be in your head' I don't know why I do that...

I had my son take a pic tonight. I'll put it up on the side, but I don't like it. Since my camera is so stupid, it has to be pitch black, so the flash makes me all shiny... ugh. Stupid thing. I don't know how long I'll keep it up- I'll try and get a better one.

Today my food report isn't very good again. I can't stop eating!!!! I really don't know what is going on! I feel fine, I have a little stress- but not THAT bad... I don't feel depressed or anything. Just keep eating... the portions were ok, but after dinner I just kind of grazed all night... :(
What I ate Today:
Breakfast: 1 slice leftover pizza, water
Lunch: Romaine salad with hot peppers, mozz cheese, croutons, light ranch and 1 small slice of left over pizza
Snack: 2 cups 2% chocolate milk and 20 almonds
Dinner: 1 1/2 servings of General Tso's Chicken (Chicken, rice, broccoli, carrots,) frozen meal, 1 1/2 cup ff skim milk
Snack: sundae nut cone
Snack: 1/ 2 cup left over tuna helper, 1 slice whole wheat toast.
Snack: 1/3 of some swiss role... thing. (It was yucky)
Snack: bowl of frosted puffed wheat cereal w ff skim milk
Snack: 1 Werther's
Total Water: 60 oz plus 5 oz Sobe Water
I am very nervous about my weigh in tomorrow. With the way I ate today, I'm afraid it will be a gain. I have laundry to do in the morning and hauling it to dry at the laundromat, so maybe that early morning exercise will help a little. I hope!

Treadmill: 15 minutes/ .52 miles
Consecutive days on it: 3
I did NOT want to get on it, but I couldn't ruin my 3 day streak! haha :)

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


Lunch: tuna sandwich, 10 baby carrots, light ranch, water
Snack: (150) vanilla ice cream cup w 1 tbs chocolate syrup
Snack: about 7 chips and cheese dlx
Dinner: 2 cups creamy broccoli tuna helper with lots of added frozen broccoli, 1 piece buttered whole wheat, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: (10) freeze pop
Snack LATE night: 1/2 cup broccoli tuna helper
Snack: LATE night: bowl of strawberry frosted mini wheats w ff skim milk
Total Water: 42 oz plus 5 oz Sobe Life Water

Total Treadmill: 15 minutes/ .58 miles
Consecutive days  on the treadmill: 1

Breakfast: 1/2 bagel with cream cheese
Lunch early: 1 cup of left over broccoli tuna helper w extra broccoli, Water
Snack around lunch time: 4 bites of macaroni, 1/3 hot dog
Snack: 4 cookies w ff skim milk
Dinner: 5 small/medium slices of pizza, Romain salad, 1 bbq chicken wing
Snack: 8 yogurt raisins
Total Water: 55 oz
Yeah, it's not great.
I really need to cut down on the snacking. And when I do snack, it needs to be healthier things. I have nectarines, plums and grapes right now, but have barley touched them! My son likes them, so that's good. I need to eat them too.
My headache last night turned into a migraine and I didn't do much today. I didn't go to the store like I need to, and ended up having pizza. I know SHOULD feel guilty... but I don't. It was really good and really hit the spot. I just have to make sure that was that, and it doesn't set off a 4 day ordering spurt like it used to. I DO wish I wouldn't have had 5 pieces though! There was no reason for that at all, it was just good- and that's not a good excuse!!!
The only thing that would have made it better would be pop. BUT I didn't have any :) That's one thing I am doing good with. Oh, and the treadmill :)

Total Treadmill: 16 minutes/ .62 miles
Consecutive days on the treadmill: 2

Besides the eating, everything else is great. My head ache is gone, I feel good. I'm pretty tired, so I'll be going to bed here in a minute. I gotta tell about my legs though :) I have noticed in the last 2 weeks that my legs look smaller. Still huge, but smaller lol. Before those last couple stressful days, actually the DAY it all started, I took my measurements again. I have lost a few inches and am very happy. I just ran into a bunch of drama and haven't posted it yet :) I'll try tomorrow.
So anyway, today I'm walking by and Ray tells me to hold on, then to turn around. I thought I had food on my shorts lol, but nope- he was looking at my legs! He said "Wow Tina! It must be your shorts or something, but your legs look small." haha, I don't mind if he thinks it's the shorts. I said, "OR it could be because I've lost 40 pounds!" haha :) But it made me feel good. I also told him now that I'm back on the treadmill my calves will probably bulk back up and be enormous :( but that's ok!

Oh! Another thing that happened was this morning. It was storming, and POURING rain when I had to go get Ray. I got outside and was instantly SOAKED. My flip flops were slippery and really hard to walk in, so I took them off, and ran the rest of the way to my car. Well... jogged :) It was probably only about 50 feet, but still! I only did it because I knew no one would see me lol :) BUT I wasn't out of breath or anything like I normally would be. Then since I had my shoes off, I had to move the seat up. And my stomach wasn't even touching the wheel!!! Wooo Hoooo!!!!!
I am still huge and have a long way to go, but these little victories show me that I am making progress. Slowly but surely!!!! :)

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

It's been a Rough couple of days...

I didn't talk to Ray last night, he was sleeping. So we hadn't really talked at all in a day and a half. Which is hard since he lives here, I bring him to work, ect. So he really knew without a doubt I was VERY upset. I woke up early this morning. He rubbed my back and started the day by saying "Tina I'm so sorry." This opened it up for the hour and half discussion that followed. (my son was still sleeping through the whole thing thank goodness)
You know how long my post get lol, so I won't make you suffer with a whole book of what all was said. Just that it was a lot of pouring my heart out, letting him know he ruined the trust I thought I could have in him, crying, ect. On his side it was all apology and he knows it was wrong and he can't believe he would risk loosing me over something so stupid.

We all know I wasn't going to leave him, but I was so upset that I didn't let HIM know that. He seems really upset that he hurt me so bad, and didn't put me and his son first. This made him say "Maybe the weed has more hold on me than I thought, if I could do that with you and our son right there."
(wahhhht? If his back wasn't to me he would have seen my eyes pop out of my head and my jaw drop to the floor!)
Now we all have differing opinions on weed. I'm not going to change any one's mind, just as mine won't be changed either, but the bottom line is I DO NOT want it around my son. As I have said I sooo wish he didn't do it, but he does. I wasn't about to make him stop- mainly because I didn't believe he could or would, and I would just be setting myself up for lies and more hurt. All that being said, I have GREAT news :)

He decided to quit. HE decided to quit! Which makes me believe it might happen, because it was his decision and not mine like last time. Now, I'm not stupid- and I will believe it when I see it. But I do have hope. He actually ran out yesterday, so there is NONE in the house. And there will be NONE in the house ANYMORE. He said he isn't going to do it at all, because he's sick of being scared of hurting himself at work and getting fired. And because he thinks it will make him a better Dad, as he will want to do more, and quit being so lazy. I agree :) BUT we will see what happens. He won't be doing it here though, that's the new rule. None in the house. Period.
He's giving anything he has for it to my brother (who will be thrilled I'm sure) and also went as far as to try to sell his vaporizer (which I forgot to mention before. If you know what it is, there is no smoke, another reason it was always impossible to smell it at all in the house) so that is a good sign. I really do have hopes that he will stick to what he says and stay away from it completely... but like I said, I'll believe it when I see it. But he will NOT be doing it here, that's for sure.
I am very happy.

My Mother called today and asked if I was mad when I left the other day. I didn't get mad or upset, I just told her like it is. That I've been waiting for 12 years for them to respect my wishes and it ain't gonna happen. And I'm not waiting anymore. We are not going over there anymore, I can't handle the stress. They can come here, or whatever. I'm not disowning anyone, I'm not mad anymore, it is what it is.
And she started to try and defend herself saying "It's not my house..." I don't care, you control what YOU do while my son is there. She said "Well maybe you could talk to your brother about it." NO, I'm done talking. Everyone knows how I feel, and no one respects that. I'm not trying anymore, I've been trying for 12 years. I am already mad at myself for letting it go on this long.
I told her I hope everyone understands, I really did try but I'm done trying, done waiting. She said she understands, and that's ok. The conversation ended fine. So far everything is good. We'll see what my brothers have to say. They could understand and be ok, or be complete assholes and blow it all out of proportion. It could go either way. BUT I WILL BE PISSED if they have the nerve to be mad at me about it. I'm just hoping that doesn't happen because I will not be handling it well...

SO, there we go. All up to date. OH! AND Ray told his Mom we are filing for bankruptcy. She said she could help if we need it :) I really want to try and see what we can do on our own, but now I know we have help if we need it and that really lifts a little more stress off my shoulders. It is really just bad timing, since my sons birthday is next month, then Christmas will be coming... but it will all work out :)

I have a KILLER head ache (from crying this morning, and maybe from no iced coffee in days) but I feel great besides that. 2 days ago I felt so hopeless and alone, and now it's all turned around. Maybe what happened at my Mom's was a blessing in disguise (a VERY convincing disguise...) because i really feel like everything is better, and I will be a lot less stressed out from now on. Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts through it all.

I have to go to bed, my head is really bad. I'll write my menu tomorrow and my treadmill time. Yep, I got on the treadmill too. 15 minutes, but it's better than nothing :)


Still depressed, but feeling a little better.
Thank you for your comments, and it has actually cleared my mind up quite a bit. Sometimes having outside perspectives is a good way to really sort throug things. I agree with a lot of it, disagree with some of it, but it has made it more clear in my mind what I think of the whole situation.
It's late again and I'm not getting on the treadmill. I'm tired, and getting on it and taking a shower will wake me up, when what I need is to sleep. I have to get on it in the morning, instead of putting it off. Then I will have it DONE and no excuse not to do it!

What I ate today:
Lunch: 1 cup rice, 1 cup chicken veggie stir fry, whole wheat toast w a little country crock, water
Snack: mini fudge round
Dinner: 1 tostada, a few chips n cheese (about 6) water
Snack: about 10 cinnamon almonds
Total Water: 48 oz

Going to bed, probably talk with Ray for the first time in a day and a half.
Thank you all for your support and for caring. Hopefully what ever decisions I come to will be respected. If you disagree that's ok. I welcome all comments and suggestions, As long as it doesn't get twisted. Don't be angry if we disagree, just as I wouldn't be if it were the other way around.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Sunday's Menu

My day turned from very good to very bad. I'm very depressed, as some of you may know. But that's no excuse. I still planned on doing the treadmill, but after blogging it got to late. Can't wake up my sleeping son. Will try very hard to do it tomorrow. I'm still up, so might as well tell you what I ate.

What I ate today (Sunday)
Drink: 1/3 iced coffee
Lunch: 1/2 cup pasta, 1 cup chicken broccoli alfredo, 1 slice of buttered whole what toast, water
Snack: 20 grapes
Dinner @Mom's: 1 soft taco, 1 hard taco, 1 medium bowl taco salad, water (even though I was offered delicious pop multiple times)
Snack: mini fudge round
Snack @3:30am: mini fudge round
Total Water: about 50 oz

It's 6am. Gonna try and go to bed till I go get Ray (anywhere between 8 and 12) Goodnight, or good morning. I Hope you all have a nice day.

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

This is all family drama, and me being pissed off. It's long and rambling. Nothing about food or weight. You can skip it if you want...

Maybe it's extra stress. Maybe it's because my feelings were already hurt because I believe Ray doesn't want to be seen with me. I don't know, but I am just sooo.... DONE. I'm just done right now. Done with waiting for my Mom to act like a responsible grandparent, done waiting for her and my brothers to care about how I'm trying to bring up my son. Just done.

I've told you I am the ONLY ONE in my family that doesn't smoke weed. And I mean that. They ALL smoke weed daily. Whatever. I don't smoke it at all, but if you do- it's your choice. My brother is grown, no kids, and he can smoke as much weed as he wants! It's his trailer, so whatever. My Mom can too. She can keep lying to herself and keep saying it makes her better. Fine. BUT I do NOT see why they have to do it while my son is there. But they do. They go in the bedroom and all get high, Ray included. FINE, stay in there so the smoke don't come out into the trailer, and expose our son to it.
As you know, my son is not allowed to spend the night there anymore. I figure we can go during the day and there is more of a chance my Mom will be able to go without getting high, and we can leave and it will all be fine. We don't go very often. Just when SHE invites us... we have NEVER EVER just popped in. So it's not like we surprise them.

Last weekend we were over there for my youngest brothers bday cookout. I walked out of the trailer onto the enclosed porch and thought they were smoking weed right there. I was pissed off. I went outside and told my Mom that common sense tells them people are opening that door all day, the smoke is going into where her grandson is sitting! It's the only entrance anyone uses! Including my son! I even told her " I hope you don't wonder why he can't spend the night anymore."
So anyway, I was pissed. The thing I was MOST pissed about was that Ray was doing that right there. SO when he came out I started in on him. It turns out they weren't smoking out there, just braking it up and getting ready. I told him how mad I was because I THOUGHT he was right there doing that. And I said to him "I mean, I know no one else around here respects anything I say- but I was so mad to see that you didn't either." but I let it go, because they hadn't done it right there. And it there were more people than normal... and that's how they do.

That was ONE week ago.

Today I walked out and could smell it. I shut the door and went outside. I was so pissed. My Mom came out, but went back in to take a few hits. She came out again and I said "What if my son wanted to come outside?" "Oh... I don't know." I just sat there... dazed. THEY invited us over for dinner. They know how I feel about it, and we are hardly EVER there!
So I sat there, getting more pissed off by the second. She went in to watch something and I didn't say anything to her. Jeff had come out and was sitting, and I think knew I was mad (he actually doesn't smoke while my son is there). Ray came out and I said "I wasn't imagining things this time right?" no. "and you were doing it too right?" yes. "If it's cleared out enough in there for him to walk through now, it's time to go." He went in to get our son, I was about to cry so I didn't wait. I didn't go in and say bye. I told Jeff goodbye and went and got in the car.

I don't cry in front of people. I especially don't want to cry in front of my son. I'm driving, and can't wait to drop them off. I decided I could wait and cry after they got out of the car. But the tears came. When Ray noticed, He said my name. I ignored him. He said it again and I said very slowly "I know that no one else there respects me, or how I am trying to raise my son. But- YOU- should." Exactly what I had told him ONE WEEK ago! After a while he said "I'm sorry, I just wasn't thinking."

I dropped them off and left. He said "I love you" as I was asking if he had his key. I didn't say it back. It's the first time EVER.
I had hardly no gas and no money on me or I would have drove around longer. I cried a little, thought a lot. I keep trying to decide if I'm over reacting... maybe I am? Maybe I'm under to much stress and am just to sensitive??? Am I making a mistake in being so mad???
I don't know. All I know is that I am so hurt right now. I would do anything for my family, and it has never been the same way the other way around. (My youngest brother wasn't there, and I do think he respects my feelings a little more) I just don't understand. If it were my nephew, I wouldn't dream of exposing him to anything, weed smoke, cigarette smoke, NOTHING. But they don't think like that. Even though they KNOW how I feel, they don't care. Especially my Mom. She makes me sick. She messed up so bad with us, and she had chance after chance after chance to be a good gramma.
You know what? About 6 years ago, 30 minutes after my son left there, her house got raided because she was letting my middle brother sell drugs from her basement. They had told me he quit because I was upset about my son being there with that. WELL, I got home from my job and her house was surrounded by cops and swat, the whole neighbor hood was there of course. The guns, the dogs, And all I could think is, my son was JUST here. What if they would have taken him??? Oh My God. What if they didn't believe I didn't know about it and kept him? Oh My God, Oh My God.
I had to go downtown and bail my youngest brother out of jail that night. During the next week I had a nervous breakdown or some shit. I got put on prozac, took 2 weeks off of work. And for a few YEARS wondered "What if" and what would i do if I lost my baby???
After all that? I STILL gave her another chance!!!!!!! Well lately, I have been thinking about that all the time.
Chance after chance after chance. I'm done. I'm done trying. I've waited for almost 12 years now for them to respect how I am raising my son. It's NOT going to happen. Fuck 'em.

But the main reason I am so upset is Ray. He KNEW how upset I was when I THOUGHT he had smoked weed right there in front of the door, and went and did it anyway!!!! I don't know what to think! Maybe he didn't want to say anything because it was my brother and 2 friends? I don't care WHO it was! He's older than all of them! He's not a kid, he doesn't have to impress anyone. He has a FAMILY. A son to think about.
And what about me? This is how much he respects MY feelings???? I feel so let down... I feel almost... defeated. Like I'm just fighting this uphill battle to raise my son right, and I'm doing it all alone. The neighborhood is against me, my grandmother has disowned me, my Mom and them couldn't care less. And now Ray. The one other person that is supposed to care the most.

AM I over reacting? Do I sound completely insane??????? Why am I here crying over this... don't I have enough problems? I don't know. I don't know how I should feel and what I should do.
I just know how I DO feel, and that is completely let down and alone.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Gooose Frabba...

Have you ever seen Anger Management? When they say that to calm down? Cracks me up... but I need to do that I think...

Today started off wonderful. It was SUCH a beautiful day. I shut the air off last night, opened the house up today and all was well.
My son and I went to this awesome Library Moving sale. You buy a big bag for $2 and fill it up with books/dvds and whatever else is at the sale. We were packed in there like sardines, and didn't really find the nature science type books my son wanted, but we did ok. Brought home 7 novels for me, 3 books on native Americans, 7 children's/teen novels (that he wants nothing to do with, but he might later), a giant children's bible and some kind of dinosaur comic book. The one dvd I grabbed was empty when I got it home lol, but I can't complain for $4 total! Afterwards he also checked 2 books from his favorite series, Animorphs, and one animal book. About anphibains I think. So he was happy even though he doesn't like anything I grabbed lol.
Then my son went fishing with his papa (Jeff), Ray went discing, and all was well.

Then something happened that kind of ruined my day. I am feeling better now, so I don't want to go into detail, but it's an ongoing problem. I feel like Ray is embarrassed to be seen with me. Maybe I'm just self conscious.. but I don't think so. Maybe I'll write about it tomorrow, but I am in a good mood now and don't want to deal with it at the moment.
I am fine now, and have to hurry this up so I can go watch Saturday Night Live with my guys :)

What I ate today:
Drink: 2/3 iced coffee
Breakfast: 1 slice whole wheat w 1 tbs peanut butter
Snack: 3 cookies, 1 cup of milk
Lunch: 1/2 cup white rice, 1/2 cup chicken and veggie stir fry, 1 slice whole wheat buttered toast, 1 cup milk
Dinner: 1 cup noodles, 1 cup chicken broccoli alfredo, 1 cup milk
Snack: 1 Reese's peanut butter cup
Snack: another serving of chicken broccoli alfredo
Snack: bowl of honey bunches of oats w ff skim milk
Total Water: 38 oz so far
I thought I did ok, until dinner.
Then I got depressed and it went down hill. But that is NO excuse, I need to learn how to deal with my stress, because there is more to come! What I need to do is jump on the treadmill when I'm upset :) Easier said than done, but maybe some day I'll actually make that a habit...

Speaking of treadmill, after 3 weeks of not touching it, I got on it. It was only 14 minutes, but it's a start!
Treadmill: 14 minutes/ .52 miles   5 minutes with 2 LB weights
I'm going to really try to get back into the habit of doing it EVERY DAY. I'll even keep track,
Consecutive days on the Treadmill: 1  :)

K, I gotta go, James Franco is hosting and it's pretty funny so far :) Have a good night!!!