Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

This is all family drama, and me being pissed off. It's long and rambling. Nothing about food or weight. You can skip it if you want...

Maybe it's extra stress. Maybe it's because my feelings were already hurt because I believe Ray doesn't want to be seen with me. I don't know, but I am just sooo.... DONE. I'm just done right now. Done with waiting for my Mom to act like a responsible grandparent, done waiting for her and my brothers to care about how I'm trying to bring up my son. Just done.

I've told you I am the ONLY ONE in my family that doesn't smoke weed. And I mean that. They ALL smoke weed daily. Whatever. I don't smoke it at all, but if you do- it's your choice. My brother is grown, no kids, and he can smoke as much weed as he wants! It's his trailer, so whatever. My Mom can too. She can keep lying to herself and keep saying it makes her better. Fine. BUT I do NOT see why they have to do it while my son is there. But they do. They go in the bedroom and all get high, Ray included. FINE, stay in there so the smoke don't come out into the trailer, and expose our son to it.
As you know, my son is not allowed to spend the night there anymore. I figure we can go during the day and there is more of a chance my Mom will be able to go without getting high, and we can leave and it will all be fine. We don't go very often. Just when SHE invites us... we have NEVER EVER just popped in. So it's not like we surprise them.

Last weekend we were over there for my youngest brothers bday cookout. I walked out of the trailer onto the enclosed porch and thought they were smoking weed right there. I was pissed off. I went outside and told my Mom that common sense tells them people are opening that door all day, the smoke is going into where her grandson is sitting! It's the only entrance anyone uses! Including my son! I even told her " I hope you don't wonder why he can't spend the night anymore."
So anyway, I was pissed. The thing I was MOST pissed about was that Ray was doing that right there. SO when he came out I started in on him. It turns out they weren't smoking out there, just braking it up and getting ready. I told him how mad I was because I THOUGHT he was right there doing that. And I said to him "I mean, I know no one else around here respects anything I say- but I was so mad to see that you didn't either." but I let it go, because they hadn't done it right there. And it there were more people than normal... and that's how they do.

That was ONE week ago.

Today I walked out and could smell it. I shut the door and went outside. I was so pissed. My Mom came out, but went back in to take a few hits. She came out again and I said "What if my son wanted to come outside?" "Oh... I don't know." I just sat there... dazed. THEY invited us over for dinner. They know how I feel about it, and we are hardly EVER there!
So I sat there, getting more pissed off by the second. She went in to watch something and I didn't say anything to her. Jeff had come out and was sitting, and I think knew I was mad (he actually doesn't smoke while my son is there). Ray came out and I said "I wasn't imagining things this time right?" no. "and you were doing it too right?" yes. "If it's cleared out enough in there for him to walk through now, it's time to go." He went in to get our son, I was about to cry so I didn't wait. I didn't go in and say bye. I told Jeff goodbye and went and got in the car.

I don't cry in front of people. I especially don't want to cry in front of my son. I'm driving, and can't wait to drop them off. I decided I could wait and cry after they got out of the car. But the tears came. When Ray noticed, He said my name. I ignored him. He said it again and I said very slowly "I know that no one else there respects me, or how I am trying to raise my son. But- YOU- should." Exactly what I had told him ONE WEEK ago! After a while he said "I'm sorry, I just wasn't thinking."

I dropped them off and left. He said "I love you" as I was asking if he had his key. I didn't say it back. It's the first time EVER.
I had hardly no gas and no money on me or I would have drove around longer. I cried a little, thought a lot. I keep trying to decide if I'm over reacting... maybe I am? Maybe I'm under to much stress and am just to sensitive??? Am I making a mistake in being so mad???
I don't know. All I know is that I am so hurt right now. I would do anything for my family, and it has never been the same way the other way around. (My youngest brother wasn't there, and I do think he respects my feelings a little more) I just don't understand. If it were my nephew, I wouldn't dream of exposing him to anything, weed smoke, cigarette smoke, NOTHING. But they don't think like that. Even though they KNOW how I feel, they don't care. Especially my Mom. She makes me sick. She messed up so bad with us, and she had chance after chance after chance to be a good gramma.
You know what? About 6 years ago, 30 minutes after my son left there, her house got raided because she was letting my middle brother sell drugs from her basement. They had told me he quit because I was upset about my son being there with that. WELL, I got home from my job and her house was surrounded by cops and swat, the whole neighbor hood was there of course. The guns, the dogs, And all I could think is, my son was JUST here. What if they would have taken him??? Oh My God. What if they didn't believe I didn't know about it and kept him? Oh My God, Oh My God.
I had to go downtown and bail my youngest brother out of jail that night. During the next week I had a nervous breakdown or some shit. I got put on prozac, took 2 weeks off of work. And for a few YEARS wondered "What if" and what would i do if I lost my baby???
After all that? I STILL gave her another chance!!!!!!! Well lately, I have been thinking about that all the time.
Chance after chance after chance. I'm done. I'm done trying. I've waited for almost 12 years now for them to respect how I am raising my son. It's NOT going to happen. Fuck 'em.

But the main reason I am so upset is Ray. He KNEW how upset I was when I THOUGHT he had smoked weed right there in front of the door, and went and did it anyway!!!! I don't know what to think! Maybe he didn't want to say anything because it was my brother and 2 friends? I don't care WHO it was! He's older than all of them! He's not a kid, he doesn't have to impress anyone. He has a FAMILY. A son to think about.
And what about me? This is how much he respects MY feelings???? I feel so let down... I feel almost... defeated. Like I'm just fighting this uphill battle to raise my son right, and I'm doing it all alone. The neighborhood is against me, my grandmother has disowned me, my Mom and them couldn't care less. And now Ray. The one other person that is supposed to care the most.

AM I over reacting? Do I sound completely insane??????? Why am I here crying over this... don't I have enough problems? I don't know. I don't know how I should feel and what I should do.
I just know how I DO feel, and that is completely let down and alone.