It's been a Rough couple of days...

I didn't talk to Ray last night, he was sleeping. So we hadn't really talked at all in a day and a half. Which is hard since he lives here, I bring him to work, ect. So he really knew without a doubt I was VERY upset. I woke up early this morning. He rubbed my back and started the day by saying "Tina I'm so sorry." This opened it up for the hour and half discussion that followed. (my son was still sleeping through the whole thing thank goodness)
You know how long my post get lol, so I won't make you suffer with a whole book of what all was said. Just that it was a lot of pouring my heart out, letting him know he ruined the trust I thought I could have in him, crying, ect. On his side it was all apology and he knows it was wrong and he can't believe he would risk loosing me over something so stupid.

We all know I wasn't going to leave him, but I was so upset that I didn't let HIM know that. He seems really upset that he hurt me so bad, and didn't put me and his son first. This made him say "Maybe the weed has more hold on me than I thought, if I could do that with you and our son right there."
(wahhhht? If his back wasn't to me he would have seen my eyes pop out of my head and my jaw drop to the floor!)
Now we all have differing opinions on weed. I'm not going to change any one's mind, just as mine won't be changed either, but the bottom line is I DO NOT want it around my son. As I have said I sooo wish he didn't do it, but he does. I wasn't about to make him stop- mainly because I didn't believe he could or would, and I would just be setting myself up for lies and more hurt. All that being said, I have GREAT news :)

He decided to quit. HE decided to quit! Which makes me believe it might happen, because it was his decision and not mine like last time. Now, I'm not stupid- and I will believe it when I see it. But I do have hope. He actually ran out yesterday, so there is NONE in the house. And there will be NONE in the house ANYMORE. He said he isn't going to do it at all, because he's sick of being scared of hurting himself at work and getting fired. And because he thinks it will make him a better Dad, as he will want to do more, and quit being so lazy. I agree :) BUT we will see what happens. He won't be doing it here though, that's the new rule. None in the house. Period.
He's giving anything he has for it to my brother (who will be thrilled I'm sure) and also went as far as to try to sell his vaporizer (which I forgot to mention before. If you know what it is, there is no smoke, another reason it was always impossible to smell it at all in the house) so that is a good sign. I really do have hopes that he will stick to what he says and stay away from it completely... but like I said, I'll believe it when I see it. But he will NOT be doing it here, that's for sure.
I am very happy.

My Mother called today and asked if I was mad when I left the other day. I didn't get mad or upset, I just told her like it is. That I've been waiting for 12 years for them to respect my wishes and it ain't gonna happen. And I'm not waiting anymore. We are not going over there anymore, I can't handle the stress. They can come here, or whatever. I'm not disowning anyone, I'm not mad anymore, it is what it is.
And she started to try and defend herself saying "It's not my house..." I don't care, you control what YOU do while my son is there. She said "Well maybe you could talk to your brother about it." NO, I'm done talking. Everyone knows how I feel, and no one respects that. I'm not trying anymore, I've been trying for 12 years. I am already mad at myself for letting it go on this long.
I told her I hope everyone understands, I really did try but I'm done trying, done waiting. She said she understands, and that's ok. The conversation ended fine. So far everything is good. We'll see what my brothers have to say. They could understand and be ok, or be complete assholes and blow it all out of proportion. It could go either way. BUT I WILL BE PISSED if they have the nerve to be mad at me about it. I'm just hoping that doesn't happen because I will not be handling it well...

SO, there we go. All up to date. OH! AND Ray told his Mom we are filing for bankruptcy. She said she could help if we need it :) I really want to try and see what we can do on our own, but now I know we have help if we need it and that really lifts a little more stress off my shoulders. It is really just bad timing, since my sons birthday is next month, then Christmas will be coming... but it will all work out :)

I have a KILLER head ache (from crying this morning, and maybe from no iced coffee in days) but I feel great besides that. 2 days ago I felt so hopeless and alone, and now it's all turned around. Maybe what happened at my Mom's was a blessing in disguise (a VERY convincing disguise...) because i really feel like everything is better, and I will be a lot less stressed out from now on. Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts through it all.

I have to go to bed, my head is really bad. I'll write my menu tomorrow and my treadmill time. Yep, I got on the treadmill too. 15 minutes, but it's better than nothing :)
Goodnight.