Monday- the NEW Weigh Day!

And the scale says...

That's a loss of 0 pounds this week

Keeping my Total loss at 33 pounds

Treadmill Totals: 2 hours 6 min/ 4.9 miles

and that's not counting last Saturday/Sunday!

This is the best I've done in the last 3 months :)

Of course I wish it was a loss, but I'm happy with no gain! My eating was not good this week, And after my new Years weekend... I was actually up to over 289!!!

Now I feel good, and motivated. Does that mean I'm going to be perfect? No. But I will try harder and do what I need to do.

Usually on weigh day I have all morning until I have to commit to the number on the scale. But not today. I weighed in and had to go. My brother JW is leaving for Texas for work, and we went to lunch with him. At our favorite Chinese buffet of course... It was nice. Me, Ray and we even let our son out of school so he could come see his Uncle before he left. After we dropped him back at school and JW back home, of course I cried a little. He might be gone for a year this time... I'll miss him. And I worry about him. But I would have been fine except he said "Love you" to us when he got out. He doesn't say that, ever.

Ughh. I'm tearing up right now!

Enough of that....

Here's what I ate today:

Coffee: 55
Double Mocha Cappuccino

Snack: 46

4 cinnamon roasted almonds (10g)

Lunch: 1100?

Chinese Buffet 1 1/2 plates: 3/4 cup veggie fried rice, 1 egg role, 5 SMALL pieces of battered chicken, 3 small piece of sesame chicken, 5 crab rangoon, 1/4 cup mongolian beef, 1/2 cup Broccoli chicken, 2 mushrooms, 2 tbs sweet and sour, 1 tsp soy sauce, water, 1 tiny piece of cake (2 bites), 3 tiny sweet things... a partridge in a pear tree...

Snack: 17

1 chocolate covered pretzel

Bite: 15?

1 bite of potato soup

Iced coffee: 70

with 2 tbs Peppermint Mocha liquid creamer

Snack: 151

Almonds- 14 natural (16g) and 6 cinnamon roasted (13g)

Bite: 28

3 Peppercorn Ranch Sunchips

Total Water: 42 oz

Total Calories: about 1482

I had to guess for lunch, and I think I over guessed... but maybe not? I don't know.

I'm pretty happy with today. I am getting a little hungry, so I'll probably have cereal. If I do I'll be back to write it! I will still be below 2000 :)

Treadmill: 30 minutes/ 1.18 miles with 2 lb weights for 5 minutes

Listening to some of Ray's music, weeding out what I don't want on my playlist :) It makes the time go by so much faster!!!!

In other news, I lost a follower today!!!! *GASP*

No, I'm ok. I was just surprised to see the number down one. I'm not sure who it is yet, was trying to figure it out! I must have offended someone with my last post... that's ok, I guess they don't want to join us in being F*ckin Perfect lol :) oh well, I'm sure it won't be the last time I lose a follower... 

Ok, I'm gonna go now.... Wish me luck. I'm going to need all the positive vibes I can get. It's 11:56pm, and Ray is cooking a chicken wrap. He is going to eat a chicken wrap in front of me!!! With all it's cheesy goodness.... ..... ..... .....

2 days ago, I'd eat one too. Shoot, Yesterday I would have probably eaten one too! But not tonight. I feel good, and proud of myself and I don't want to ruin that.

Have a good night everyone!!!!!





Still Going to Take a Little Break, BUT... Here's What I'm Eating!

I don't want to gain back more weight than I already have!

Miss Verity Vaudeville left a comment yesterday, asking if it was wise to distance myself... and she is right! The 2 weeks I was away I fell completely off track and am having so much trouble getting back on! I have gained about 10 pounds since before that 2 weeks... I don't want to gain another 10! If I stay completely away, I might just do that!

I need a little break, a break from writing all the depressing things that are my life right now. A break from thinking about it any more than I have to! BUT I don't want this to be a break that lets me eat everything in sight. And I'm afraid if I don't feel accountable to anyone, I will!

Thank you all for your support, and understanding my need for a little break... and I'm going to be taking that break, while not completely forgetting about my weight loss journey.

So I've made a decision.
I'm going to still report what I eat everyday, and any exercise I may do. I'm going to just do it on this post, in case anyone is interested, but mostly just so I know I have to... then I will be more mindful of what I'm eating and hopefully it will help me not go completely off track again! Today I know I ate more than I would have if I was thinking that I have to come share it!!! If I had thought about how I have to come share all of it, I probably would have eaten less! So I won't be making a separate post for everyday, just adding it all here until I get back to a more normal blogging schedule.

I think this will help me. I am just feeling so overwhelmed lately, and sadly the blog is adding to that... but at the same time I know how important it is and how much it's helped me. This way I can catch up with everyone else's, and still hold myself accountable without feeling the urge to write a 10 page post about all my complaining and yucky feelings :) Even though I know I would get nothing but support from you all :) I just really don't want to dwell on any of it anymore than I have to I guess...
I hope this makes sense!

So I will be here in the mornings when I'm updating my Weight Loss Tracker, with what I ate the day before.
And also any treadmill I get in.
Thanks again everyone. I know this will pass, and I will feel better and be back to myself. I'll see you then!

So Here's What I'm Eating:

Tuesday-
Breakfast: 105
1/4 cup iced coffee, 1 mocha bliss Special K bar
Lunch: 1576 holy crap
Arby's- Italian, and Turkey bacon club $2 subs, 4 mozzarella sticks, water
Snack: 133
6 Hershey kisses
Iced Coffee: 105
Coffee with 3 tbs pumpkin spice creamer, ice
Snack: 43
1 Hershey mint miniature
Dinner: about 670
1 piece of lasagna, 1 piece garlic bread, water
Snack: about 250
1/2 piece of lasagna, water
Total Water: 52 oz
Total Calories: about 2882 (2132+ 1 1/2 pieces of lasagna)
No need to comment lol... I know it's horrible. See? This is what happens when I don't plan on reporting it to anyone! Bleh :(

Wednesday-
Lunch: 1000
2 Pieces of leftover lasagna
Snack: 22
1 Hershey Kiss
Coffee: 70
with 2 tbs pumpkin spice liquid creamer
Iced Coffee: 105
with 3 tbs ps creamer
Snack: 248
4 pickle wraps (while making them)
Snack: 340
4 sugar cookies (while baking them)
Snack: 150
1 decorated/frosted sugar cookie
Total Water: ? not enough, maybe 8 oz
Total Calories: 1935

Thursday: Thanksgiving
Breakfast: 220
Coffee with 2 tbs pumpkin spice creamer and 1 decorated sugar cookie
Snacking throughout the day at Mom's: ?
4 pickle wraps
1 frosted sugar cookie
2 tiny squares of fudge
6 oz whole milk
Thanksgiving Dinner:
Plate 1- 1/2 cup potatoes, 1/4 cup corn, 1/4 cup gravy. About 3 oz turkey, 1/4 cup stuffing, 1/2 cup goop, 1/2 cup macaroni, 6 oz whole milk, water. Plate 2- about 3 oz ham, 1/4 cup stuffing, 1/2 cup macaroni, 1/4 cup goop.
Snack: 1 piece of apple pie with 1/3 cup ice cream, 1 bite of cherry pie
Late night snack: 2 cookies, 1 cup ff skim milk
LATE night snack: chips and cheese (about 12 tortilla chips, shredded mozz, salsa)

Black Friday-
Breakfast: 1 piece leftover lasagna
Snack: 8 oz hot cocoa
Coffee: McDonald's Medium Frappe (declined any food, not hungry)
Dinner: Hot Turkey/pepperoni/pepper jack cheese/jalapeno sandwich. 1/2 cup low fat cottage cheese, 5 baby carrots (no ranch!) water
Snack: 8 tortilla chips with 2 tbs salsa con queso, water
Late Snack: 2 1/2 pickle wraps, water
LATE snack: Cereal- 1 1/2 cup frosted puffed wheat w ff skim milk
LATE/ 3am snack: 1 mini bagel with cream cheese
Total Water: 24 oz
Total Calories: ?

Might Be Away for a Bit...

But don't worry! I am feeling great and I won't fall off the road (I'm not quite back on the wagon lol, I'll be back on it soon though!)

I have to take the computer back to the shop tomorrow, they had to order something that should arive tomorrow (Monday). I took the computer home though because it was up and running lol, and I couldn't live without if one more day! I am very hopeful that I will get it back the same day though, Tuesday at the latest!

I did well today. Even when the store declined my debit card and I couldn't buy cat food! Grrr. I know I have money in my account, so I'm thinking it's the same thing that happened about a month ago when my card was declined (at the same store!). My MasterCard number was 'compromised' and they had to issue me a new one. Wiht out contacting me, just canelled my debit card! It was this big ordeal and really pissed me off... and that has to be what is going on now. I don't have much money lol, but I have way more than enough to pay for the damn cat food!!!
On top of having no way to get MY money, one thing that pissed me off is that the bank wouldn't tell me what merchant had compromised my card. Isn't it my right? It's my money isn't it? Idiots. And now they did it again. On a Sunday, when I couldn't even call to see wtf is going on. Can't go get any cash from the atm if my card is deactivated. Can't go to the bank since it's closed....
Last week, I would have come home and used Ray's card and ordered a pizza! BUT it's not last week. It's now, and I am fine. It is an inconvenience, but nothing I can do about it. I will handle it tomorrow. See, no biggie :)
I'll take ray's card and get cat food at a different store at 4am when I take him to work. The cats think it's just their lucky day, as they have had lots of tuna today! :)

THANK YOU
I know I've said thank you in the comments, but I really hope you all understand how much your support has meant to me, especially the last few days.
We all have problems and issues. Now that I feel better, I know that mine are small compared to some. My stress is nothing compared to others. But when I was in that state, it felt unbearable and I thank you all for all the kind words and support.
All of us have struggles. When I see your struggles my heart goes out to you, and I hope you can find comfort like I have here. Like I said, most of you have more on your plate than I do! Things you have to deal with, things you have to overcome everyday. There are medical issues, and so many other problems out there, that I feel guilty for getting so down... My worries are no more important than anyone else's and I just thank you for taking time out to make me feel better.
I hope that all of your stresses and hardships are made a little better by getting them out here in blogland.
I know getting things off my chest here has done so much for me. I just want you to know that I'm here if you need someone to listen, just like you all have been here for me.
HUGS and Thank you!

I'll be back tomorrow, hopefully, for what I ate today and your regularly scheduled program! :) It's 12:30, and I'm off to bed. Not exactly midnight, but pretty good! :)

We Have Lost A Wonderful Woman

I just woke up, internets on, came to check on my blog.

I was mildly annoyed that someone would write something so horrible on my last post about Margie M, and was going to write some things to this person... but decided I better check, JUST in case. Actually, I went to check to see if she posted today so I could be a smart ass, and write something about how she's still posting...

I went to Margie M's blog, and nothing out of the ordinary. She hasn't posted everyday lately...
But then I decided to check her other blog, that I don't read very often. And this is what I found:
http://bruceandmargiesfulltimejourney.blogspot.com/2010/10/from-her-family.html

It says that Margie and her husband Bruce were killed. Taking their daily walk.

I have been sitting here crying for 10 minutes now. I feel so overwhelmed with grief.
I can't imagine how her family must be feeling, to loose such a wonderful woman. And of course her husband also, from what she wrote he was also a beautiful person. If you are the praying type, please keep their family in your prayers. I know they leave behind 2 grandchildren that they loved with all their heart... and she wrote about often.

I keep thinking this is some kind of hoax. But she wrote everyday on that blog, so I don't see how it could be...

I just don't understand.
She changed her life for the better, was doing her best to be healthy and keep the weight off to beat the statistics. That's why they walked daily, and for this to happen... I just don't understand... and it is so senseless. if it happened how this says, it is murder... I just can't believe this... how could this have happened??? I don't understand...

She has helped me so much. I feel so blessed to have "known" her.
I hope her daughter keeps her blog up, because it can still help so many.

Again, please keep the family in your thoughts, especially those "Grands."
As heartbroken as I feel,
I know it must be unbearable for her family.

My 5 Words

The 5 words I picked were for the award in my last post.

I wanted to elaborate on it, 

because I thought a lot before settling on one.

Yesterday's Gone, Live for Today

 This applies to my weight loss journey,

Because I have tried to think this way,

I no longer have 'start over' days, weeks or months.

That has helped me tremendously,

not throwing away a whole week because I messed up.

It applies to my life too...

I was going to say "Forget Yesterday, live for Today"

but I don't want to forget.

Yesterday is what made me who I am,

and if I forget, I will not be me....

and I will repeat the mistakes of my past.

Again, that goes with my weight loss and my life.

Of course I have days
where thinking of yesterday affects me,

gets me down...

But it's part of my life.

I can't change it,

but I can learn from it.

I think this will be a new motto for me,

of course I won't forget the one I've lived by since I can remember

"It Could Always be Worse"

but I like this new one :)

Gaining on Weigh In Day, is NO FUN

I knew it was going to be a gain... and here it is:

That is a 1 pound gain from last week. :(

This is the first time I have gained on my Friday weigh ins since I started this blog :(

It sucks.

BUT I know why I gained, so I will just have to do better.

Just have to get to where I was when I started this journey!

I missed 2 days of treadmill this week, My Totals are:

3 hours 12 minutes/ 7.4 miles

Tricia over at Endrance isn't Only Physical is having a Goody giveaway. For Stay put hair accesories. Here's the link:

http://www.enduranceisntonlyphysical.blogspot.com/2010/05/goody-stayput-giveaway

I want to thank you all for bearing with me yesterday. Not my finest hour, but that's what this is about for me I guess. Being open and honest, about whatever is going on. I realize I am going to have days like yesterday, and I have to make sure I can come out of them without throwing away all my hard work. I have to somehow separate food from comfort... how? I'm not sure...

Even though I still felt pretty down, I think I did better... a little... Today I just tried to stop and think, and listen to my body. Not the best day, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Much better then yesterday. Tomorrow will be even better.

Here's My Day:

Breakfast: (200) 9.5 oz bottle of iced coffee

Lunch: (602) Romain/ iceberg lettuce salad, 1/4 cup cheddar, 2 tbs light ranch. 1 slice of leftover pizza, 1 cheese stick, water

Snack: (100) 2 Hershey nuggets

Dinner: (520) 1 asparagus stuffed chicken, 1/2 cup peas, 2 cheese sticks, 1 cup ff skim milk

Snack: (290) 21 tortilla chips with salsa

Drink: (100) 1/2 an iced coffee

Snack: (150) Hershey nugget, rest of iced coffee

Total Water: 40 oz

Total Calories: 1962

I decided I didn't need croutons, the salad was crunchy enough. BUT I had more cheese and dressing then normal, so I guess I ruined that...

My body feels much better when I get in my 40 oz of water. I can't believe I used to go a week with none! I would feel HORRIBLE if I did that now! I also feel better when I do the treadmill.

Treadmill: 26 minutes/ 1 mile   6 minutes with 2 LB weights

I wish I didn't have the pain in my legs. I went all this time without having pain while walking, and now this last couple weeks they just keep getting worse :(  But I still felt good after I was done, glad that I did it. It has to be mandatory. I have to get on it NO MATTER WHAT.

I'm gonna be BUSY tomorrow. To make a long story short, my brother has had all his crap in my basement for what has turned into 5 years. He is moving now and I have to go clear my crap out of the way so he can get his crap out. It's A LOT of crap. You ever seen the show Hoarders? That's my basement. If I can't sleep, maybe I will get started tonight.

Thanks again for your comments. I think I will be better tomorrow. And in case I wasn't clear, I really do love Ray and I know he loves me. I know he has changed. He has been so good to me in the last 6 years. I really do think I have forgiven him. But I just can't get rid of the memories you know? I do feel much better now though... tomorrow I know I'll be great.

He has tomorrow night off, if I do still feel this way maybe I'll talk to him... but there's nothing he can do... so I probably won't... Ugh! I'm gonna go now :)

I'm ok though, thanks for listening (or reading I should say). goodnight.

Guilty Feelings and The Weigh In

Today the scale says...

Woo Hoo! A loss of 2.4 Pounds this week and a total of 33 Pounds!!!

My totals for the week are:

Treadmill: 3hrs 55 minutes/ 8.33 miles
(new week distance record)

0 Crunches... I have no idea why,
just slipped my mind all week!

Here's My Day:

Breakfast: (300) Strawberry Frosted Mini Wheats with 1 cup 2% milk

Lunch: (1074) ordered a Wet burrito with 8 tortilla chips, with my own low fat sour cream, 5 oz mtn dew

Snack: (180) chocolate eclair bar

"Dinner:" (540) Large bowl of Strawberry Frosted mini wheats with 2% milk

Total Water: 26 oz

Total Calories: 2094
Yeah... I don't know what got into me with lunch.
I ended up with 2 hours of sleep last night, I think that had a lot to do with it. I was tired, and starving and gave in to temptation. I was only going to eat half of it! BUT I ate the whole thing, AND had pop... ugh. I felt disgusting afterwards! I was stuffed and full all day until I had some more cereal later. Yep, a mess of a day as far as food. I'm out of my skim milk, will try and remember to grab some tomorrow!

I ended up taking a 2 hour nap today. So I'm still running on 4 hours, so hopefully I can go to sleep tonight. I kind of feel like I'm getting depressed... not at the moment because I'm so happy about my loss :) But I have gone a while without getting to bad... and now I'm just starting to feel a little overwhelmed with my mom and other things... and not sleeping is one of the first signs for me. I'm hoping it will just pass and everything will be just fine :) Maybe I'm just overly tired lately... I'll take a break from watching the animals tonight and see if that helps me go to bed!

Treadmill: 27 minutes/ 1.02 miles   10 minutes of it with 2LB weights
For the last couple weeks I was making sure to do 22 minutes a day (the time gradually got to that) but as I mentioned Tuesday, I think I will start focusing more on distance instead of time. If I keep adding time, eventually I will add to much and dread doing it more often, and quit... we don't want that! My 22 minutes are hard to do sometimes, just because I don't want to. BUT it has become pretty easy physically, I hardly even sweat at all, and am never out of breath. Even though I love not sweating ;) I know it's time to up it a bit. From now on I'll do a mile a day. How long it takes me will just depend on how I feel I guess :)

I was reading Megan's blog today, and it really hit me.
This is such a long and hard journey, and people get so discouraged you know? It makes me feel bad. It makes me feel guilty that I can have such a crappy eating day like today and still loose weight, when others are struggling so hard... I guess it's because I have SO much to loose, and I'm sure I wouldn't be doing well without walking everyday... but it still made me think. Think of how I could have gained weight back, got discouraged and given up by now...

I'm just so thankful. I really feel blessed that I am making such progress so far. This time is SO much different than any other time I've tried to loose weight. I can't even explain it. I have my bad days, but with support and the motivation I have, I just know I'm going to stick with it this time! I'll take my baby steps and keep improving!

So right now I feel bad, blessed, guilty and GREAT all at the same time...
No wonder I am worrying about my mind! I'll get some sleep and all will be well... Goodnight!