Where I'm At...

Hi everybody :)
I hope all is well here in Blogland! I've missed it, haven't really been around in 2 months!
I have to say hello to Wendy:), Sorry I've been such a bad hostess to a new follower!

I have been going through a lot these last 2 months, not that it's much different than before... I've just handled it much worse...

Treadmill
I did very well staying on the treadmill every day, for about a month and a half. Then I missed a day, and struggled after that, until I just quit all together. It's been about 3 weeks since I've been on it.

Food
That has been pretty much whatever I want. I actually do ok with portions most of the time, what I'm eating isn't good. I have coffee with 1/2 serving cappuccino mix (55 calories) every morning, but I also have something sweet with it. SOMETHING SWEET ALMOST EVERY MORNING... Like cookies, donuts, danish... Something new for me. Then a cappuccino later (110 cal) most of the time... and sometimes another sweet thing with that!
I haven't been writing what I eat. I stopped on purpose, thinking that it might help... I felt like ALL I thought about was food... I didn't plan on stopping my blog though. So I think I will try and do well without recording the food... It hasn't worked in about 8 months now. It worked at first, but you know what??? I was so motivated and excited ANYTHING would have worked... After recording everything for over a year, I think I know calories pretty well, and portion sizes... but if I feel it will help, I'll go back to it... We'll see what happens :)

The Weight
Every week I thought I would get back to blogging. So I weighed in every Monday, and took a picture every time. My camera is full of pictures of the scale lol. I will update the side chart properly when I get the camera and have the dates and weights. For now I've updated the stats. I am now at 294 pounds, a gain of 7 pounds this year. :( Makes me sick... I have gained back 16 pounds of my highest loss of 42 pounds :( I hoped to never see the 280s again, and here I am in the 290s!
It doesn't do any good to concentrate on the what ifs, or I should haves... I'm lucky I didn't gain more I guess...

So anyway, I am back :) I don't have any set plan, just watch my portions and stop with all the sweet stuff, and as always: cut back on the fast food! I still need to lose weight, and still have all the same hopes and reasons as when I started this blog last year... I am just having a hard time getting motivated, and staying dedicated to it. I know I NEED to though. I'm hoping that being back in Blogland will help me :) Reading all of yours always motivates me, and writing helps with stress...

If your still here thank you :)
If your not, or don't want to be, that's cool. Better to follow a blog that is more suited to you. I sure don't need any more negativity that's for sure!

Ok, here we go again... See you later!

Monday- the NEW Weigh Day!

And the scale says...

That's a loss of 0 pounds this week

Keeping my Total loss at 33 pounds

Treadmill Totals: 2 hours 6 min/ 4.9 miles

and that's not counting last Saturday/Sunday!

This is the best I've done in the last 3 months :)

Of course I wish it was a loss, but I'm happy with no gain! My eating was not good this week, And after my new Years weekend... I was actually up to over 289!!!

Now I feel good, and motivated. Does that mean I'm going to be perfect? No. But I will try harder and do what I need to do.

Usually on weigh day I have all morning until I have to commit to the number on the scale. But not today. I weighed in and had to go. My brother JW is leaving for Texas for work, and we went to lunch with him. At our favorite Chinese buffet of course... It was nice. Me, Ray and we even let our son out of school so he could come see his Uncle before he left. After we dropped him back at school and JW back home, of course I cried a little. He might be gone for a year this time... I'll miss him. And I worry about him. But I would have been fine except he said "Love you" to us when he got out. He doesn't say that, ever.

Ughh. I'm tearing up right now!

Enough of that....

Here's what I ate today:

Coffee: 55
Double Mocha Cappuccino

Snack: 46

4 cinnamon roasted almonds (10g)

Lunch: 1100?

Chinese Buffet 1 1/2 plates: 3/4 cup veggie fried rice, 1 egg role, 5 SMALL pieces of battered chicken, 3 small piece of sesame chicken, 5 crab rangoon, 1/4 cup mongolian beef, 1/2 cup Broccoli chicken, 2 mushrooms, 2 tbs sweet and sour, 1 tsp soy sauce, water, 1 tiny piece of cake (2 bites), 3 tiny sweet things... a partridge in a pear tree...

Snack: 17

1 chocolate covered pretzel

Bite: 15?

1 bite of potato soup

Iced coffee: 70

with 2 tbs Peppermint Mocha liquid creamer

Snack: 151

Almonds- 14 natural (16g) and 6 cinnamon roasted (13g)

Bite: 28

3 Peppercorn Ranch Sunchips

Total Water: 42 oz

Total Calories: about 1482

I had to guess for lunch, and I think I over guessed... but maybe not? I don't know.

I'm pretty happy with today. I am getting a little hungry, so I'll probably have cereal. If I do I'll be back to write it! I will still be below 2000 :)

Treadmill: 30 minutes/ 1.18 miles with 2 lb weights for 5 minutes

Listening to some of Ray's music, weeding out what I don't want on my playlist :) It makes the time go by so much faster!!!!

In other news, I lost a follower today!!!! *GASP*

No, I'm ok. I was just surprised to see the number down one. I'm not sure who it is yet, was trying to figure it out! I must have offended someone with my last post... that's ok, I guess they don't want to join us in being F*ckin Perfect lol :) oh well, I'm sure it won't be the last time I lose a follower... 

Ok, I'm gonna go now.... Wish me luck. I'm going to need all the positive vibes I can get. It's 11:56pm, and Ray is cooking a chicken wrap. He is going to eat a chicken wrap in front of me!!! With all it's cheesy goodness.... ..... ..... .....

2 days ago, I'd eat one too. Shoot, Yesterday I would have probably eaten one too! But not tonight. I feel good, and proud of myself and I don't want to ruin that.

Have a good night everyone!!!!!





Must... Have... COFFEE!

Hey everybody :)

Let's get the last few days out of the way shall we?
Since Friday, I have been getting little sleep. I have been snacking way to much. And have been feeling very guilty over spending money on fast food. I have been ok, just a little stressed, but not really depressed or anything. Just a lot of little things all together weighing down on me...
I did write down what I ate... but didn't record it here. Which was a HUGE mistake, and I already know better! The minute I decide I'm not writing it here, I start eating worse...
It didn't get to bad, no complete binging... but a lot of snacking, and giving in to things I just didn't need... things I didn't even really want! Like chips and cheese, a sandwich in the middle of the night... Other than that the food was pretty normal for me, no over eating really, just EXTRA snacking. Mostly to much snacking at night when I'm up till 4 in the morning. The low point? Ray and I actually got Taco Bell at 1:30am Sunday Morning (Sat. night). That is SO BAD, to actually leave the house to go get it too? An old habit I hoped to never see again!

BUT all that is over. Except the fast food problem... But that will be over soon I hope...
Back to normal, and back to recording it!

Yesterday was a busy day. I didn't eat much, but we did have pizza for dinner. We had a quick dinner, I had 2 peices and it was my lunch and dinner.

Then off to my son's first band concert!
I know it makes no sense, but doing anything like that really stresses me out. So that too was weighing on me all week... but once I was there of course I was fine.
I was a little annoyed when my son told me that they weren't going to be doing Christmas songs, even though the other grades were... why you ask? Well, because there are so many bad kids always disrupting the class so they didn't have time to learn everything they were supposed to. WTF? That's F'ing ridiculous if you ask me!!!! The teachers need to grow a pair and take care of these kids... kick them out of the class!!! When I was in school, Band was... well... full of band nerds. lol no offense to any band nerds out there! But they really pushed band last year, EVERY kid had a meeting with the band teachers to see what instrument they would be best for ect. I was putting him in band before they did all that... I guess that made other kids that normally wouldn't do it, go ahead and do it. Maybe thinking it would be an easy class??? I don't know, but this is the largest band class they have ever had- and I hope they don't wonder why! To me it doesn't matter, kick the little trouble makers out of band so the ones that WANT to be there can learn! Damnit!

Count to 10...

Ok :) I'm back.
Back to the concert. It ended up really nice :) I enjoyed myself, and I could tell my son did also. My Mom and Step Dad came too, so that was nice. Here is a little fun piece they did. It was cute lol.

He's in the middle, the kid that looks like he could be my son lol. 

After we got home, I had a very little piece of this crazy "s'mores pizza." Not long after, I started getting pains in my stomach. They really hurt! I don't know if they were from that weird s'mores thing, or what. All I know is, I am soo glad that it waited until AFTER I got home. Without being too graphic, I spent a lot of time on the toilet... 

This morning wasn't any better. By the time I went and picked up Ray, I felt a lot better though. He wanted a frappe from McDonald's, so we stopped on the way home... and I ended up with 2 egg McMuffins also... I know, great nourishment for sick people right? Bleh... it sure was good though! But that's the last time I will have fast food for a while. I just feel so guilty over spending the money! Ray is getting so many more hours since it's the holidays, so bigger checks, and it's hard for me to say no when he wants to spend it on... shit. He worked for it... but we have IMPORTANT stuff to spend it on... anyway, even if he does get fast food, that doesn't mean I have to. And I am not going to!!!

I forgot to weigh in this morning before I ate. So AFTER I had 2 egg McMuffins, some water and a whole LARGE Frappe, I weighed almost a pound less than yesterday. I wonder what I weighed before I ate! But I know that it's only because I was probably severely dehydrated from my stomach thing, and not drinking enough water lately! But mostly the sick stomach.

I'm getting in my water today though. It's not hard because I am actually thirsty today!

Ray's birthday is Tomorrow. The big 30 :) We're having family over Friday for dinner and cake and everything. Probably some drinking, we'll see. None for me if my stomach still feels like this.. and Ray is actually comming down with something different than mine. Him and the boy have soar throats and aren't feeling great :(

So anyway, I have to get this house cleaned. We got the tree up and decorated, but I have to get the rest of the Christmas stuff put out too. Even though I feel a little weak, I feel good other than that. AND I've rested up. I went to bed at 10 last night! So even though I wasn't feeling well, I got a lot of sleep, about 8 hours total. So I am awake, and now just have to pry myself away from the computer! And get at it!!! And keep drinking coffee!!!!

Because...

At least that's what my paper towel says!!! :)

And paper towel never lies!!!

"Will you pee for me?"

That's the question my Aunt asked me one day.
I was 10 or 11 years old. She had called my Mom, who then sent me over to her house. I walked over, and went in. We visited for only a few minutes and she asked "Will you pee for me?" I laughed. And said "yeah." This is something my Grandma would always say too, when she had to use the bathroom but didn't want to get up.
But my Aunt said "No really, I need you to pee in this cup for me."
And that's all I remember. I knew it was because she needed clean pee for a job, but did she tell me that??? I don't remember. I knew it was because she smoked weed... but I doubt she told me that... Maybe I just assumed that was it, since I knew my Mom did??? I remember thinking how dark my pee looked, and wondering if that was normal! Since I had never seen it out of the toilet before (remember, I was a kid) but that's all I remember...

Over the years, I have heard that question quite a bit since that day. From family, mostly my mom. Mostly for jobs, but once for my cousin who had to pee for child protective services... (I now have a lot of guilt over that one, but that's a story for another time...) That's just what happens when everyone you know is on drugs except you. I didn't mind at the time, I kind of thought it was funny.
Of course NOW, I have conflicting emotions about it. First I wonder- how did they all know I wasn't on drugs anyway? What if I was on crack, or even just smoked some weed, and didn't want to tell??? And just peed for them anyway? You know how stupid kids can be... that is definitely something that could have happened!!! But most of all- Being a parent now, I just can NOT picture asking my son to do that for me. OR letting my brothers ask him. And have to explain why? Umm... No.
But I grew up a lot different then he is... Which is good :)

Why this little trip down memory lane you ask?

WELL, today reminded me of that first day that I was deemed the designated family clean pee-er.
Ray's brother called today, and asked him to pee for him! Unlike me, Ray had NEVER in his life been asked this favor. On one hand, I could think of it as depressing... that after all these years, no one in either of our families can pee for themselves...
BUT I am looking at it in a positive way. When he got off the phone and told me what his brother wanted, we both smiled like 'wow can you believe it!?!?!'

So today he peed for his brother for the first time... and since his brothers can't stay off drugs, and can't keep the same job for long, I'm sure it won't be the last!
As for Ray? He was never addicted to hard drugs or anything, hasn't touched ANYTHING like that since he's lived with me. But he's been a pot head since he was about 14. He smoked it DAILY for at least the last 10 years.

But today marks his 114th day- weed free.
His brothers test came back, and he is officially, CLEAN :)
I am so proud of him :)

Now to get our food addictions under control...

What I ate Today:
Lunch: 348
Tuna Sandwich on whole wheat with 1 tbs miracle whip, pepper jack cheese, jalapenos. 6 baby carrots with 1 tbs light ranch. water
Iced Coffee: 105
large glass with 3 tbs hazelnut liquid creamer
Snack: 165
2 pieces (1/2) WFC Almond Chocolate bar
Dinner: 675?
2 cups macaroni&cheese + hot dogs, 1/2 cup leftover green bean/corn mixture, water
Snack: 165
2 pieces (1/2) WFC Almond Chocolate bar
Snack: 140
1/2 cup cottage cheese and 1/4 cup fruit cocktail. Water
Total Water: 30 oz
Total Calories: 1598
Macaroni and hot dogs is my son's favorite meal, but I hardly EVER make it for him anymore. I'm going to guess 3 times since February? I don't like hot dogs like I used to, but I do like these Hebrew National all beef, all natural ones ok. 150 calories each.
Those dang candy bars! Ray called his nephew over and bought more of them! I told myself only 2 pieces a day won't hurt, but I already messed that up. But tomorrow I'll have my last 2 pieces.
It's not great, but I think I'm doing a little better everyday...

Last night pizza was avoided. Ray said he was ordering some after our son was in bed, after we had already eaten dinner! I told him "go ahead, but I'm not having any!" and I wouldn't have either. I was determined not to. He must have known it, because he didn't get any.
Today we took a nap, and he wanted up at 11am. Because he wanted to go eat at Florentine's... I told him I didn't want to, I have to weigh in tomorrow. But it sounded like he really was planning on it... when the alarm went off, and he didn't hear it... I didn't wake him up! lol, it felt very sneaky, but I REALLY didn't want to go. I know I would do BAD if I went to a buffet today.
So when he did get up, he was going to order pizza! He asked what bills where due before he gets paid again, I told him. And that we really can't afford to be spending money on fast food... So he actually got a little pissy about it! I acted like I didn't know, and asked him what was wrong after a while... he let it go and all was well... but that shows me that he is just as addicted to fast food as I am... I think even more... I just always go along with it (eagerly), until now.
I'm sure I'll be faced with it again soon, and I can't say how I'll handle it... but I feel good about how I did today and last night. One day at a time...

BUT If he can kick his other habit, I know we can get through our food addiction. :)

I am still feeling pretty good... even the weekend task of putting up Christmas crap isn't overwhelming me... so that's a good sign.
I will see you tomorrow for my weekly weigh in, I hope it's good! I'm still weighing in daily at my Weight Loss Tracker, so I feel good about it :)

Well, I hope you enjoyed today's post and my little trip down Dysfunctional Family Avenue lol. I hope someone tells me they are also a designated pee-er so I don't feel so alone!!!! Ha! A girl can hope can't she? Don't worry, I know this shit isn't normal... but what can I do but laugh? It's better to laugh than cry right? :)

Have a great night everyone :) See you tomorrow!

Just This Weeks Food and Exercise

OOPS. THIS IS THE SAME ONE I POSTED THE OTHER DAY. WHILE I WAS ADDING TO IT, I SOMEHOW SAVED IT AS A DRAFT INSTEAD OF POSTING... SORRY!

Even if I have nothing to say, or depressed and don't want to write... I think it is very important that I keep track of what I'm eating. So I'm going to keep track of it on this post. I figure that way only when I do a new(real) post, it will show up on the blog rolls... and I'll just update this everyday to show my food and exercise (or lack of). I figure this will get me back on track, without doing a separate post JUST to show what I've eaten every time.
Not that I'm depressed right now! I'm ok :)
We'll see how it works out, I might just do this every week after weigh in.
Since I already had Friday's on that last post of what I was eating, we'll start with yesterday...

Saturday-
Breakfast: 1280
McDonald's- 2 egg McMuffins, 1 large mocha frappe
Snack: 90
Mocha Bliss Special K bar
Dinner: 1375 (estimated)
Salad with ham, light ranch, croutons, mozz cheese. Ordered Florentines- 3 slices pepperoni pizza (one with jalapenos), 2 bread sticks with sauce, 4 oz coke
Total Water: 22 oz
Total Calories: 2635
Fast food... not good. 3 slices? Unacceptable. I would have been ok with 2. I would feel awesome if it was ONE. Didn't eat the crust on 2 1/2 of those slices. The nutrition info is not online, so I used a similar place. Ate salad first so I would eat less, didn't work as you can see! My fault, gotta get back some self control! Not enough water. Got to get back to at least 40 oz per day.
Now with my new plan, and recording what I eat no matter what- I'm sure I'll have less days like this one!!!

Sunday-
Coffee: 70
with 2 tbs pumpkin spice liquid creamer
Lunch: about 460
2 waffles, 1/4 cup syrup and 2 fried eggs, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 80
String cheese stick (mozz)
Snack: 165
1/2 'World's Finest Chocolate' bar
Dinner: about 545
Stuffed Squash (1/2 acorn squash filled with stuffing) with about 1/2 tbs Country Crock, 1 slice whole wheat bread with CC, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 82
1/4 Chocolate bar
Snack: 240
Cereal- 1 cup Special K Vanilla Almond, 1/2 cup rice squares, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 82
1/4 chocolate bar (the last of it)
Snack 1am: 300
1 cup special k with ff skim milk, 1 slice cinnamon raisin bread
Total Water: 42 oz
Total Calories: 2024
The 'about's are because I don't have the box for the waffles, but I estimated them to be 100 each. Also, step Dad made the stuffed squash, but I looked up the squash, stuffing and sausage and hopefully that is close to the right amount. The candy bar I bought when Ray's nephew came to the door selling them for school... I know, I could have just got Ray the kid one, but I got me one too. It was for a good cause! lol :) I know... that's no excuse! Anyway, mine is gone now.
Crunches: 100 (5 sets of 20)

Monday-
Breakfast: 250
Coffee with 2 tbs pumpkin spice creamer, 1 1/2 slices of cinnamon raisin toast with CC
Lunch: 460
Tuna Sandwich on whole wheat with 1 tbs (store brand) miracle whip, cheddar/pepper jack cheese, jalapenos. 5 baby carrots, 1/2 tbs light ranch. 1 pickle spear (1/4 pickle?) water
Snack: 300
Cereal- 2 cups Special K Vanilla Almond with ff skim milk
Dinner: 1090Romain salad with jalapenos, croutons, cheddar, 1 1/2 tbs light ranch. Pizza Hut- 2 slices medium (14") pepperoni, 1 slice medium pepperoni jalapeno, 1 1/2 bread stick with sauce. Water
Snack 2am: 250
piece of cold pizza
Total Water: 36 oz
Total Calories: 2350
I JUST got done writing that I could go one week without fast food... I told Ray this morning that I had made that commitment. Then I fell asleep around 4, woke up at 7 and still had to make dinner... Ray asked what I wanted from Pizza Hut and I told him "I don't care." Instead of saying "NOTHING!!!" But no excuses, no blame. It was my fault and honestly, just laziness! Even after it got here I kept telling myself, JUST ONE... but no self control... UGH. Now I have let myself down AGAIN, and all of you :(
I WISH I had the motivation or the excitement I did in the beginning... I don't. But I am sick of letting myself down, and feeling like crap. I will try and do better tomorrow... I WILL do better tomorrow.

Tuesday-
Snack: 90
Mocha Bliss Special K bar
Lunch: 500
2 slices left over pizza
Snack: 200
Cereal- 1 cup Special K Vanilla Almond w ff skim milk
Dinner: 535
About 4 oz BBQ chicken, 3/4 cup green beans + corn (with salt, pepper and a little bit of ranch seasoning), 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 350
Cereal- 1 1/2 cups Crunchy Granola Raisin Bran with ff skim milk
Total Water: 27 oz
Total Calories: 1675
Better calorie wise... but still not the best choices. As I ate that raisin bran, I thought 'Wow, this is GOOD. Must be a lot of calories.' Then when I looked, I was still surprised! 190 per cup, maybe I'll just let the kid have the rest of that...

Wednesday-
Coffee: 140
A little extra coffee, with 4 tbs pumpkin creamer
Breakfast: 140
1 slice whole wheat toast with honey peanut butter
Snack: 80
1/2 cup cottage cheese with a little pepper, water
Lunch: 1150
Arby's $2 toasted subs- Classic Italian and Turkey Club, water
Iced Coffee: 105
Coffee, ice, 3 tbs hazelnut liquid creamer
Dinner: 280
2 cups of Sweet and Sour Chicken (Green Giant frozen meal bag. Frozen veggies, pineapple, sweet&sour sauce. Add my own chicken) 1 cup, then 1 hour later another cup. Water
Snack: 165
2 pieces (1/2) World's Finest Chocolate Almond bar
Total Water: 36 oz
Total Calories: 2060
I really shouldn't have had Arby's at all. But having 2 instead of 1 :( It's because you have to get 2 for $4... but that is NO excuse. Next time Ray is just going to have to eat 1.. or 3! His choice! (I don't plan on there being a next time soon... but you know how that goes with me) I know it was a bad choice. I know I have to do better. I am going to try to do well for the rest of the day and keep those calories under 2000.
I went over by 60 calories, not bad... but if I would have only had ONE sub, that would have saved over 500! Grrr... I know it was stupid. SO stupid. I don't know what gets into me! And you want to know what else??? Ray wants to order pizza! We ALREADY ATE DINNER! I'm trying to talk him out of it, but if he really does... I'm not having any. I promise myself that, and you. It will be SO HARD, and the FIRST TIME EVER I am going to refuse pizza... but I will. Because I am dedicated to getting back on track. I need to get back to losing. I already messed up once today, I'm not going to do it again. I'm fine with 2060 calories, especially with all the exercise I got doing laundry. (Wet laundry is heavy! Had to wash it all, then bring 4 loads to the laundromat)
NO PIZZA TONIGHT, NO MATTER WHAT.
And tomorrow will be better :)

Weigh Day? Not Good. Mood? Better.

First let me say hello to Mercy. Thank you for joining me in my day! It hasn't been my normal day for a while now... but hopefully it will be again soon! :)

Now to the weigh in.
Of course it's not good. I didn't get on the treadmill once this week, I ate pretty much whatever I wanted...
So the scale says:

288.6

That is a gain of 3.2 pounds

Making my total loss 31.4 pounds

I think my chart shows I had lost 32 pounds or so back in April. APRIL! That is 7 months ago! And I have lost all the work I have done since then. Ugh, that just sucks so bad...

I know what I need to do, and what I should be doing... Why can't I find the motivation?

As you know, I have been stressed out. But that can NOT be an excuse. I need to get on that treadmill no matter what mood I am in. And logic tells me that just the act of walking will make me feel better! It's just so hard to do when I don't want too... But I NEED to.

Now that Thanksgiving is over, I am feeling better. I guess the stress of that, and not even knowing if we were going to spend it with the family- was really weighing on me. Once I finally asked my brother the big question, I felt a huge relief. He didn't come over one night he said he was going to, so I did it the easy way. A text :) I wrote something like "I wanted to talk to you about smoking weed while ****(my son) is there. I was hoping you all could wait till we leave, or if you can't wait, go outside? Is that coo?" and he texted back "Yep, that's fine yo." lol, So it worked out for the best, I didn't make a big deal out of it and he didn't either. Oh, but it could have went SO DIFFERENTLY, and I'm just thankful it didn't.

We had a great Thanksgiving. I hope you all did too! I'm behind in my reading, so I have to play catch up!

I was in charge of making pickle wraps, onion wraps, the night before. Me and my son also decided to decorate cookies :) We had fun. I also made the goop (Green Bean Casserole, except DELICIOUS), and macaroni. All the food was so good. (I have everything I've been eating on the last post.) I had a lot, but honestly I am proud of myself. I really thought about what I wanted, and the 2 plates where 1/2 the size 2 plates would have been last year! And for dessert I had one piece of pie, and one bite of another. Every other year I would have had a piece of each of the 3 kinds! AND THE BIGGEST CHANGE: I didn't bring home any dinner leftovers. Not even of what I made! We do have stuff here to make more pickle wraps, but the 1 cookie for each of us I brought home are gone, and I have not been pigging out on thanksgiving dinner all day! Woo Hoo! Step Dad sent home 1/2 a stuffed squash that I will probably have for lunch tomorrow, but that would have usually been eaten yesterday at Thanksgiving along with the 2 huge plates. I did pretty good for me. Especially since I've been doing SO bad...

This morning I got some exercise, I shopped my FIRST Black Friday. I don't do crowds, but I had to drop Ray at work this year anyway, so I figured I might as well stop at 2 places while I'm out. I got in line at Target, and I swear I was almost at the back of the store. The line went across the whole front, then around to the back. I'm sure it went around again because there where a lot of people that got there after me! I almost went back home. I just knew the camera I wanted would be gone. But after waiting 15 minutes, I got in there and got my camera! AND an external hard drive we have needed for a long time, $60 off! I was so happy! Then I went to Meijer and got everything I needed from there too!!! Some nice pairs of jeans for Ray and the kid 1/2 off. 2 lego starwars sets for the kid for Christmas Buy one Get one 1/2 off, a new cordless phone 14.99 (ours got fried about a month ago), and a big coffee mug for Ray's Birthday. (He will be the big 30, and the mug says so lol) I was home by 5:45am, and it all went so much smoother than I expected! I just really lucked out I think :) I am so relieved! Do you go shopping on Black Friday? How was it for you!?!?! I can't say that I'll make it a habit, but it really did work out very well :) The managers at Meijer were even handing out bottles water to all of us hard shoppers lol :) So nice of  them.

This morning after I went to bed and woke back up later, it was like Christmas! lol. Opening up my camera, phone, ray hooking up the hard drive... I haven't had so many presents since I was a kid haha :)

On top of the $150 gift card I got from Happy Fun Pant's Review Blog, I also got a $50 gift card from my best friend (who hasn't even sent me a card since she moved 6 years ago! Such a great surprise!) and then at Thanksgiving my middle brother gave me a card and $50! I've never had Birthday money like this before. And any money  I ever do get I have ALWAYS spent on Christmas presents, or bills. But I REALLY needed a camera. I swear not having one that works has added to my depression. I LOVE taking pictures, I think it is great therapy, and now I have a camera that works! Its a tiny little thing. Metallic Red, Nikon Coolpix. $79. I really like it :) So anyway, I got stuff we really needed, at great prices and I am happy :)

Of course some of that money was already spent on food for thanksgiving and other things we needed. Like getting drunk last Saturday night. That was actually in the instructions from my best Friend! lol. Ray and I had some drinks and had a good night. Played Guitar Hero, and kicked ass :) lol, at least I think I was doing pretty good! It's funny, I only have the urge to play that game when I'm drunk... and now I won't play it for another 6 months I'm sure, and I'll be awesome at it then too! haha. (or will think so anyway)

So yes, my mood has been ALL OVER the place. I had a great birthday this year, even though it was in the middle of all this stress and gaining all this weight back. Halloween and Thanksgiving proved to be more than I could handle as far as my eating. But now I really do feel better. Not GREAT, but so much better.

I am determined to get on the treadmill and do my 5 miles this week. I didn't do it today, but I have 6 days left. I did start off the new week on a better note though :)

Crunches: 100 (5 sets of 20) 

As far as blogging, I would really like to record my previous days food every morning when I update my weight loss tracker. And keep up to date on everyone else's blogs. So that's my goal. I still feel a little overwhelmed with all that... I really have to shorten my blog role :(  

Oh, speaking of goals! As you may know, I had set the goal of loosing 50 lbs in 2010. It was SO achievable when I set it... but now since I keep gaining, I'm not going to be able to do it. So I'm not going to concentrate on that, But am going to do my best to loose as much as I can by the new year!

I'll at least be here to update my eating and weight loss tracker daily, and for sure do a real post for Friday weigh ins! I really want to be able to read everyone's blogs daily too. SO That's the plan... but lately my plan changes with my mood, like 5 times per day ;)

But this should work :) 

What I really need to do is get back on a schedule! Ever since I got the car back (which I am SO VERY grateful for) I have been bringing Ray to work and my sleep is all off. I think I really started getting depressed after I got the car back... that HAS to be why! I was on a good schedule, was used to getting a nice chunk of sleep... and now it's back to these weird hours, and I am not getting used to it! I HAVE to get on a schedule. I think I will feel so much better, and be able to cope with things so much better...

Alright, I'm done rambling now :) I'll see you later! Hugs and Take Care!

First Day Back

Well, today went ok.
I started off with lunch at my son's favorite place (an Asian buffet) and thought 'man, I shouldn't even go.' But we had it planned for a while now, since he had today off of school and we haven't been doing ANYTHING.
It was good, I did OK- could have done better for sure. But I did better than I have been doing for the last week! Compared to that, today went very well.

I don't know what happened... I've been under stress (which maybe I'll vent about in a separate post) but that's no excuse...
Halloween- I had to much candy, but was feeling fine. I did well calorie wise as I hadn't ate anything else until dinner! The next day was going to be better, but I ate even MORE candy... everyday I got up with good intentions, and then ruined it... THAT is the difference. Since I started this in January, I never just said "oh well, I ruined it- start again tomorrow." I mean sure, at the end of the day when I sat down and looked at the day, I would say "tomorrow is another day." But I never just gave up and threw the whole day away because of a mistake.
After my Friday weigh in came around on the 5th, I pretty much completely stopped trying. Then on Tuesday I realized I could do my blog from the PS3, I decided to knock it off and get back at it. I did the treadmill that day, and was ready to go! But I got up the next day, said fuck it, and just ate what I wanted, when I wanted for the next 3 days. I did horrible all this time, but the last few days were the worst. I even decided 'Oh well, I already ruined it. I'll start again Friday after my weigh in." And that's what I did. That's why I'm in this situation... because of that start date mentality. Pick a date, pick tomorrow, whatever- and then eat whatever I want and pig out until that date... I used to ALWAYS do that. My whole life. But since I started my journey on January 1st, I NEVER did that and promised I would NEVER do that again. But I did. And here we are.

I feel like I'm starting all over. I did things that I used to do... I mean I was as bad as I have ever been! I ate to much, I ate when I wasn't hungry, I did just about everything I used to. It's the first time I can't say "Even though it looks bad, It's better than I used to be." Because it's BAD, just as bad as it used to be.
The only thing that is different from before 2010, is that I did drink water everyday. But only about 10 oz. I didn't have pop except for the last 2 days, a 12 oz glass one day and an 8 oz glass the next. Oh, and wheat bread instead of white. But that's it. Everything else was those old bad habits... they came back SO EASY AND SO FAST!!!!

At this rate, I would gain ALL of my weight back in 8 more weeks. 11 months worth of work can be gone in 10 weeks.... That is so scary. It is so scary that I have gained 8.2 pounds back. In only 2 weeks. Holy Crap.

I have to make sure this doesn't happen. And even though I'm determined now, tomorrow I might wake up and feel totally different. I have had a really bad time with being depressed, mostly I have been having CRAZY bad mood swings. I HAVE to make sure I stick to this no matter how bad my mood swings are. I really thing blogging is going to help though. Maybe if I would have had my computer the mood swings wouldn't have beens so bad, maybe I wouldn't have gone so far off track... maybe not at all!
Or maybe I would have gained anyway... would have ranted and wrote through my moods and you would all think I am completely insane!!!! (if you don't already lol) I really do think it's the first one though :)

SO, here's the plan.
BLOG EVERY DAY even before I lost the computer, I hadn't been blogging everyday. I think I was on a slow down hill slope... loosing the computer just gave me an extra shove off the track.
WEIGH IN EVERYDAY ON MY WEIGHT LOSS TRACKER
NO POP
LOTS OF WATER
EAT SMALL PORTIONS
EAT ONLY WHEN HUNGRY
AT LEAST 5 MILES OF TREADMILL PER WEEK (1 MILE PER DAY AT LEAST 5 DAYS) That is my goal, but I have such a hard time staying on the plan when I have days off... I might have to do it everyday.
CRUNCHES: no set amount but at least a few times per week. every other day if possible

So there we go. If I stick to that, I think I will be able to loose the weight and reach my 50 pound goal on New Years Eve.

It will be hard, but I can do it.

My biggest challenges will be: my sweet tooth that I have since Halloween (especially with my coffee). Being really hungry because of how I have stretched my stomach back out! My craving for Peanut Butter toast... I don't know what is up with that. I just want it all the time (like when I was pregnant) But I will be careful, and I can get over these hurdles :) And no, I'm not pregnant!

Ok, so here's the run down of my first day back:

Coffee: 105
3 tbs hazel nut liquid creamer
Lunch: 1200?
2 1/2 plates of various yumminess, water
Iced coffee: 140
Large glass with ice and 4 tbs hazelnut liquid creamer
Dinner: 210
1 cup Campbell's Chunky Soup- Vegetable Beef with white and wild rice, lean meat. 1 slice whole wheat bread. water
Snack: 190
Honey Peanut butter/1/2 tbs country crock whole wheat toast. water
Total Water: 37 oz
Total Calories: 1845? (645 plus lunch)

Treadmill: 26 minutes/ 1 mile. Incline 2. 2LB weights for 9 minutes
I was sweating like crazy! But I can do it, and I WILL! :)

I fell off the wagon. HARD.
I fell off, got trampled by a horse, rolled down the embankment, and landed in a mud puddle... But I got up. I'm muddy, but I can't concentrate on that... I can't let the mud, or anything that happens weigh me down... I have to climb back up to the road, and get back on that wagon and continue on my journey...
So here I go!

I'm Back! Time for Weigh Ins...

Ugh... Let's get this over with...

Missed Weigh Day: October 5th
The scale said...

282.8

That is a gain of 4.2 pounds.

That made my total loss 37.2 pounds

NO Treadmill, No Crunches

Today's Weigh In:

The scale says...

286.8

Yes, you read that right.

That is a gain of 4 pounds

That makes my Total Loss 33.2 pounds

Total Treadmill: 30 minutes/ 1.02 miles

0 Crunches

So that means in these 2 weeks I have been away, I have GAINED 8.2 pounds. I haven't been this weight since June 12th, so it's like 5 months of work wasted.

I can't believe how fast I gained back 8.2 pounds... 8.2 pounds that took over 5 months for me to loose! WTF!

I feel like I'm right back where I started. All those bad habits came back so fast... so EASY...

I can't put into words how disappointed I am in myself... but I spent all week feeling it...

Thinking about it or beating myself up isn't going to help me at all. I know that.

So today I start again. 

Being honest, I really don't feel that great or motivated... but I'm not hungry either... hopefully it will all fall back into place.

I know I have a LOT of work to do. Especially if I want to make that goal of loosing 50 pounds this year!!! I only have 7 weeks left to lose 16.8 pounds... That is 2.4 pounds per week!

As you know, since summer started I have struggled to loose any weight. I mean, it took me over 5 months to lose these last 8 pounds!!! And to lose DOUBLE that in 7 weeks... It's going to be work. HARD WORK.

But I am going to do my best! I really do think that if I watch what I'm eating (or more important how much) and get on the treadmill everyday, I will be able to do it.

Ok... now I feel a little more motivated :)

I also feel kind of funny, like I have a fever :( I hope I'm not getting sick, that is the LAST thing I need right now...

I have to go update my tracker, and my weight chart. Have to take care of other internet stuff I have neglected for 2 weeks, check email ect. I will write a post tonight if I can, otherwise I will see you in the morning for some... reflecting...

Most important is that I get back to writing down everything I eat. So I'll be back with that as well.

Thank you again to everyone who cares :) It really means a lot that you would check on me, and make me feel like I was actually missed. I'm sorry I was gone, but that really is a good feeling to come back to!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!

See you later!

Friday Weigh In and Catch Up

And the scale says...

279.8

That is a gain of .6 pounds

Making my Total loss 40.2 pounds

My Treadmill Totals for the week:

46 minutes/ 1.79 miles

I know... pathetic

It might sound crazy, but I'm ok with that. Except for last Saturday, I did really well this week. I wasn't very hungry at all, didn't snack much, and I think I did good. Thursday night I did end up snacking on a few things... maybe it would have been a loss if I hadn't done that... No fast food (until last night, after weigh in Ray and I had pizza). I only got on the treadmill 3 days... last day being Monday! So that's not good. Over all I did ok.

One thing I didn't do, is use my grief as an excuse to binge all week. So I think it shows I have made a lot of improvement since I started. I honestly thought about it, but I know Margie M wouldn't want me to. Instead I wasn't even hungry most of the time, so I'm thankful for that.

I haven't done my own blog since finding out about her... to be honest I haven't wanted to. I thought about not doing if anymore... but I do think it's helped me a lot. I have kept up with all the blogs I follow and tried to leave comments. Even if I haven't commented lately, I'm still reading :)

On top of not wanting to write, I just couldn't really think of anything else this week besides Margie and Bruce and what happened. It's still hard for me to believe and accept.

Margie's daughter has been so kind in keeping us updated even in her time of grief. I'm sure she'll never fully know how much we all appreciate it. Her last post was to let us all know they are back home safe, with the RV and Bruce and Margie's little dog. She does the posts on Margie M's other blog found here: http://www.bruceandmargiesfulltimejourney.blogspot.com/ It's so incredibly kind of her to think about their followers and blogland friends.

A new week:

I did have 3 slices of pizza last night, which I know isn't good. But I am not mad about it, I hadn't ate much at all yesterday, and I know I will have a great week anyway. I'm not going to let that get me down, and I'm not going to take until Tuesday to get back on track, I'm back on track right now.

I started off on a good note and did Crunches yesterday. 5 sets of 20. I'm going to really try and make crunches habit along with treadmill. Maybe every other day for the crunches? Or whenever my belly isn't feeling over worked? I like the 5 mile a week goal for the treadmill, so I'm going with that. Also allowing myself ONE day off without feeling bad about it. Which was yesterday. I'm also going to keep weighing myself over at the weight loss tracker. I haven't for a few days, but back to daily now. I think it helps.

Not much new with me. Finally gave in and had to turn the heat on yesterday. It was 40 and I was cold.

The car still isn't fixed.

The Internet is slow- but at least it's working. All of a sudden we have cable (we already pay for basic, which is only up to 31 and none of the kids channels or good stuff) so that's cool. It's missing a few like my court tv, but that's ok lol. I figure it won't last long, I don't even know why we have it. They owe it to us anyway with how expensive they are and how shitty the service is... so whatever.

I had my family over for dinner Wednesday. I never see them anymore, except when I get my brother to give me a ride lately. They didn't stay long. I know it's because I don't allow weed in my house anymore... and a whole hour is a long time to be without (rolling my eyes) but it was nice to see them. The middle brother couldn't make it, he's pretty busy with work and some more schooling.

I have been going to bed at a decent time every night (except Thursday, probably why I snacked) and last night was at 10:30. I was up at 7 this morning when I COULD be sleeping in! Ray is at work, and my son is... gone! He actually spent the night at a friends house last night! He's 12 and this is the first time he has done that. He used to stay sometimes with his cousin at my Grandma's, but she disowned everybody about 3? years ago. (story for another time) He used to stay at my Mom's (my brother's) sometimes, but not since I put my foot down and said he's not allowed over there anymore... so it's been a while since he's stayed the night anywhere. Ray is more nervous, but I am happy :) He is such a shy kid, and being an only child he just has us all the time. Which I love, but I worry about him. He's perfectly happy just hanging out with us or playing video games by himself, but I always wish he had friends, or would go outside and play... I was SO worried about him starting middle school, but it seems like he likes it. This year is going well for him so far, and he seems like he's getting more social and now he actually went to a friends house! :) So yeah, I'm happy about it.

I think that's about it. I am getting pretty sick of not having a car. My brother said he would take me to the laundromat today, but he probably forgot. I don't want to go today, since it will probably be crowded on the weekend... but it's his day off. So I'll call around noon and wake him up to remind him. He only works part time, but can't be bothered to get up before 1pm on days he works... ugh. You know last winter when they didn't have a car, I was taking him AND his girlfriend to and from their jobs, AND where ever else anyone over there needed to go. In the snow. I had to go get her from work at 11:30 at night, ON TOP of bringing Ray at 4am. They would even wait till the last minute sometimes and call "Katie needs to be to work in an hour." After telling me she didn't need a ride... Did I complain??? NOPE. But now that I don't have a car, no one even asks if I need anything. Not ONCE. Even though I have a child, and groceries don't grow out of my ass. Even though I brought them all everywhere. Even though they have 2 vehicles, between the 4 people, 3 of which don't work... Ray's Mom is the one that asks if we need anything. Ray's Mom who works full time, and lives across town. She's the one who brings Ray to work at 4am. Ugh... I could go on, but I guess I shouldn't. No use thinking about it, it only pisses me off.

Anyway, today might suck... it sounds like it's raining out too. BUT once laundry is done it will be good. I just wish I could get it over with... I'm sure he won't get here till about 3. Bleh.

Anyway, I'll try and get back to posting like normal.

I hope everyone has a good day. And I will try my best to also :)

schedule... what schedule?

Now that summer vacation is over, I thought I would be doing BETTER being on a schedule. I think it is helping some... but one thing I have to change is the treadmill. I HAVE to start doing it during the day! Tonight I was ready for bed at 9:30, I fell asleep in the chair again. When I thought I better get up and go to bed when my son does, I realized I had to do the treadmill... and I did it. I'm happy I did, but then of course I was wide awake. Now it's almost 1 am, and I'm up instead of in bed where I should be. I have to be up in 2 1/2 hours to bring Ray to work, then up again 3 hours after that to bring the boy to school... Maybe after I do laundry I'll come home and take a nap? I don't want to get into that habit again either though...

My plan is to do the treadmill in the morning, then I will be awake, shower, and be ready for the day! That's been my plan since school started last Tuesday... Then at night I can get to bed at a decent time, and get some good sleep. (I did all that yesterday, and it was great!)

Tomorrow is weigh day... I don't really know what to expect. I did step on the scale yesterday, and it was a 4 pound gain. That doesn't really tell me much though, it was in the middle of the day and with all my clothes on. I shouldn't have done it at all lol.
I did a lot of extra housework this week, and did the treadmill everyday....
I also had cake FIVE days in a row. Other than that I ate ok except for... pizza.... don't yell at me, well ok you can if you want. I know I should have passed on it, free pizza is hard to pass up, but I could have. I had 2 pieces last night. Tonight I had 1 1/2 pieces. If you have seen my eating lately, you might know that that is pretty good... BUT I also know that with the cake I REALLY should have made a better choice.
I guess that's why I'm hurrying and writing this, so that tomorrow I can have a fresh start. Cakes gone, pizzas gone, I'll weigh in and it will be a whole new week.

My eating has been like this: I had coffee both mornings, tuna sandwich wiht baby carrots both lunches, so the last 2 days where pretty much the same. I had Salad last night with my pizza, cereal last night for snack. I had mozz string cheese and special K crackers today, and cereal tonight. That's what I've been eating. And cake both days...

I know I have been messing up a lot, and I still stick by what I said. I really feel great right now and feel I will be able to do better form now on... but you know how that goes with me :(
I know some of you appreciate the honesty and understand the struggles I have... and some of you might be getting bored/ fed up with all my mess ups. And I understand that. If reading doesn't help you, feel free to move on, because I wish you the best in your journey and if mine isn't good for you I totally understand.

That being said, I do feel great. I feel like I can get back on track and do really well this week :) I've been really motivated by other blogs, seeing others struggle through things and still stick to there plans... I've had a bad month emotionally, but I shouldn't have let that get in my way. Everyone has problems, and mine probably won't stop anytime soon. I need to stop eating for comfert, it's not healthy and it's not an excuse. Before this summer, I was doing so well with that... I really don't know what happened! I'm going to try really hard to get back on track.

I can't wait to get the weigh in over with, because I'm pretty nervous about what the scale will say....

My treadmill time:
Wednesday: 17 minutes/ .65 miles 4 minutes with 2 LB weights
Thursday (today): 18 minutes/ .66 mile
Days in a row: 38
Ok, I'll see you tomorrow for the face off with the scale...

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

I've been soooo tired. Right now, I am sooo tired.
I don't like not blogging though, then I feel behind when I do come back! Even though it's only been a few days, it just seems like forever.

I'll give you the good, bad and ugly of the last few days. Since I like to end on a good note, we'll mix it up a bit :)

The Bad
The last 2 days have been filled with cake, ice cream and Ray's chicken wraps. All good, and all fine once, and for one day. But no... it's been more than once, for over 2 days.
Still having lots of stress. The car is ok, so that helps a LOT. But now I'm starting to think I got ripped off, and what I replaced that was 'so important', wasn't important at all... if this is the case I will be pissed. I do not have that kind of money! Now we are BROKE and it better be for a good reason...
You know that tetanus shot? Did you know they hurt for days??? LOL, probably, but I didn't!!! And no one told me! So on top of all my muscles hurting from extra cleaning and extra laundry, my arm has been killing me! It's worst at night when I'm trying to sleep. So another reason I've been extra tired.

The Ugly
I had cake for BREAKFAST today.... and yesterday.... I know, not good. Small pieces, but still. That's 2 pieces for 2 days in a row, and now one today. I really thought I had more self control, but obviously I don't.
POP, I have been drinking Pepsi 0 for the last few days, but I also drank 2 orange pops at 170 calories each. Not drinking pop is one thing I was doing well with, and now I ruined it.
I am addicted to stupid facebook games... mainly the Happy Animal type ones. Ugh, I told everyone I would NOT be playing any games on there... but of course I gave into one, which leads to another.... you know how it goes. If you know of a good game rehab clinic, let me know.

Ok, I that's pretty much the worst of it. I won't go into money problems, just knowing I am broke is enough lol.

The Good
I am done with all that. NO MORE POP. There is still a lot of cake left, but I don't even want any. IF I do crave it and can't control myself, I will have one small bite THAT'S IT. But really? I don't think that will be a problem.
Even though I have been eating chicken wraps cake and ice cream, that's pretty much all I've been eating... Maybe that should be in the bad category... but my point is: while I've had a lot of calories, I haven't been stuffing myself full or over eating, which is good. I have written down everything I ate like always, just don't really want to take the time to type all 4 days worth. If you really want to see it of course I will though :)
(I like writing what I eat, because I like seeing what others eat. I'm going to try to blog every night again, then it is easier to include that)
The chicken wraps are gone, that's good.

I don't think I'll gain this week as long as I do well for the rest of the week. As I mentioned, cleaned a lot Saturday and Sunday. I had a lot of laundry to haul to and from the laundromat Friday, and I know have burned a lot of calories.

My house is nice and clean :) I'm not the best house keeper, but right now the house looks great. It always makes me happier when the house is nice. I just have to make sure I keep it this way. It will help me stay happy AND cleaning is work! It will help me burn those extra calories!!!!

I have stayed on the treadmill. Sunday night after the party, I was exhausted. I fell asleep in the chair and woke up and headed to bed. Then I realized I hadn't done the treadmill! Ugh... I did NOT want to, I just wanted to go to bed. But then it would ruin the streak I have going :( I couldn't do that!!!! So I got my shoes and socks on and my water bottle and got to it. I was sooo tired, and ended up giving up on it after 7 minutes. Maybe you think that is cheating, but I don't :) I got on it, maybe not long at all, but I didn't break my habit. 

Here's what the treadmill looked like the last 4 days
Friday: 16 minutes/.61 miles, Saturday: 7 minutes/ .26 miles, Sunday: 16 minutes/.62 miles, Monday: 16 minutes/.62 miles
Total Days in a Row: 35
Because of my 7 minute walk, I now have to do at least .62 miles per day to tie last weeks total. I can and I will :)

So I've been staying positive, even though I'm still stressed. My son's Bday was good for a little time to forget all that, but I have to be able to forget all the stress while NOT forgetting to keep my eating in check. It's hard, but I'll get there.
For now it's back to normal. I'm going to concentrate on what I'm eating, eat slow and make better choices. I may have started the day out wrong with the cake... but it's only 9:48am. I'm not throwing the whole day away, another way I WILL be able to loose the weight this time. No more "Well I already ruined today, or this week, or this month even!" That was what I used to do EVERY time before this year. This isn't every time, this is the last time. So I won't beat myself up over the last few days, I'll just move forward. now that summer is over, I won't be faced with all the family gatherings. (that I FAILED at all summer!) I hope I can be strong and make better decisions the next time.
In fact, my birthday is next... so I'll have to give that some thought.

I hope you all had a great weekend, and here's to a great week ahead!!!

Well, I didn't win the lotto...

That would have solved a lot of my problems, ALMOST all of them. But is was not to be. Should have known better, we NEVER play because I am so unlucky when it comes to things like that lol. Oh well.

Even though I tried to not think about things, I was kind of an emotional wreck today. But I got some crying out and over with, so now time to move on! I feel great right now :)

I did do ok as far as eating. I wasn't hungry until dinner (like yesterday), I don't know if it's my nerves or what! I spent all last week starving, and now I'm just not hungry... maybe I'm getting a little help from above? If I am, I better not waste it huh? :)

What I ate today:
Breakfast: (352) Slice of whole wheat toast w peanut butter, coffee
Lunch: (130) Fiber Plus Bar
Dinner: (715) 1 cup Orange Chicken w 1 cup white rice (2 servings), about 3/4 cup of mixed veggies (frozen-asain stir fry style)
Snack: (280) 1 cup ice cream
Snack: (23) 1 Werther's
Snack: (23) 1 Werther's
Total Water: 37 oz
Total Calories: 1523
I didn't need 2 servings of dinner, I was full... It takes a bit for that rice to catch up to you. I really need to concentrate on EATING SLOWER.
The ice cream, I'm not mad I had ice cream, but it should have been 1/2 a cup. I would have been satisfied if I ate it slow. Honestly? I said to myself 'You can have it, you didn't have that many calories today' but that was just... dumb.

What wasn't dumb? I got on the treadmill :) Very not-dumb lol.
Today: 15 minutes/ .59 mile
On it 15 days in a row :)
My back feels ok today. It's been about a week now, and today is the best it's felt. If it feels good tomorrow, I'm going to try and start doing a mile every day. Now that I feel like it's habit, I think I can do that again now, without dreading it. Baby steps :)

Been Better, but Could ALWAYS be Worse...

First I have to thank Just Me, for 'officially' joining me in My Day!!! Welcome and THANK YOU!
And everyone else that left comments yesterday, I was really in a bad place and felt so much better reading them. Thank you so much.
I only feel bad that there are some new names, that will have that angry depressed person be the first memory of my blog... NOT what I had in mind when I started it... but we all have those days right?
I live by IT COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE... and I had to remind myself that today. I am still a little down, but it really could be worse. I have my son, my fiance and that's what's really important :)

Nothing new as far as the drama. I am trying my hardest not to think about it... but honestly it kind of consumes my mind. I just have such a hard time understanding her, and how she can be so selfish. I just know that in my life my son comes first... and can't comprehend how her kids never did, and now her grandson doesn't either.... I don't know.... I'll never understand I guess. It's always something with her...
But I am still trying, I have to just get past it and move on. If/when she ever calls again, I'll deal with it. Right now there is really nothing I can do so I'm going to try and not let it bring me down...
Rephrase that. It did bring me down... but I'm not going to let it KEEP me down.
I really been messing up as far as food. But that stops now. Not tomorrow, right now. Back to the plan.

Here's what I ate today:
Drink: (84) Iced coffee
Snack: (90) Special K snack bar- Mocha
Dinner: (930) 3 slices of pizza, Water
Snack: (35) 1 bite of ice cream
Total Water: 58 oz (so far!)
Total Calories: 1139
Well, that was not the plan. I didn't mean to go till dinner without really eating... I was pretty depressed and surprisingly NOT hungry for once. I have been thirsty ALL day though!
I got busy on the laundry and took it to dry at the laundromat, I realized I hadn't eaten anything and had the snack bar before I left. (btw, I was pretty afraid that would hurt my back even worse than it is, but it actually feels about the same. Maybe even a little better?)
I am now tired of pizza, yeah you read that right. TIRED OF PIZZA. I know, it's crazy. I have only felt that way once before about my beloved pizza, and it is weird lol. But I am. Maybe because I ate it and this time it did not comfort me??? Either way, I hope this feeling last and I can stay away from it for a while!!! My body and my bank account need the break, BIG TIME.

Through all this I did stay on the treadmill :) Today's is:
15 minutes/ .55 mile
Total Days in a Row: 14

I am so glad I didn't stop doing that. The one thing I can be proud of :) OH! and not giving into my Pepsi craving!!! It has been hard!

Thanks to you all who have stuck by me. I know that stress is NO EXCUSE for heading to the fridge, and if I continue to let it throw me off course I will gain back all of the weight I lost. Making all that work, be for nothing. AND gain more! So I am rededicating myself to my plan right now. I can do this and I WILL. One day at a time.

A New Day, A New Chance to do Great!

Good Morning!
Yes... I said good morning :) Even though it is 12:02pm... We all stayed up way to late, and I am just getting up.
I thought I better come look at those little rules again... just to remind me so I don't have a repeat of yesterday! (btw, I am also going back and writing down all that I ate... ugh... this must be what it feels like to go to confession...)
Here they are again:
Eat Slow
SMALL PORTIONS (this includes my JUST ONE rule, especially for pizza. That way if I want more than one, I will have to actually get up and think about what I'm doing... I am less likely to eat 5 pieces that way!)
Drink a lot of WATER- at least 40 oz per day
NO POP I've been doing good on that one :)
Choose Healthier Snacks
Eat More Fruits and Veggies
Get on the Treadmill EVERYDAY even if only for 10 minutes! But at this point I will really try to do at least 15.
I forgot the main one!!!
Listen to My Body! Before I get something to eat, I have to stop and ask myself  "Is that what you REALLY want to eat??" and of course "Are you really even hungry???"

Today will be much better, I can already tell :) I'll be back tonight with what I ate. I hope you all have a GREAT DAY!

Ok, I'm back. Today WAS better, but still not great. I didn't follow the CHOOSE HEALTHIER SNACKS rule today.
What I ate:
Drink: (67) 1/3 bottle iced coffee
Lunch: (250) Rice Medley (rice, peas, mushrooms, sauce- a Green Giant frozen box. yummy) Water
Snack: (140) 1/2 cup mint ice cream
Dinner: (890) Chimichanga(frozen) with chips and cheese and salsa, Romain Spinach Salad with light ranch, cheese, cheddar, croutons,Water
Snack: (250) Honey BBQ Frito twist
Snack: (360) 4 Double O's, 1 cup ff skim milk
Total Water: 40 oz
Total Calories: 1957
Dinner was a lot of calories, but I did think about what I really wanted, and that was it. I didn't know it was going to be THAT many calories... but I was fine with the day except having the 2 unhealthy snacks after that. Those Frito's used to be one of my FAVORITE snacks. I would eat the whole bag if I wasn't careful! But today, I didn't even like them. Which is good, so I shouldn't have a problem staying away from them! The double O's are another story.
I went to the store today, and as you can see got a little junk. BUT I also got good stuff. I got fruits, fruits I like! Now I just have to eat them... :)
I'm still in a good mood, despite my bad food choices. I just have to do better. I have planned out what I'm eating tomorrow, so it should be easier to stay on track!
Treadmill: 15 minutes/ .54 miles (five minutes with 2 lb weights)
On it 6 days in a row!

Time for the Weekly Weigh In...

And the scale says...

278.8

That's .4 pounds lost, 41.2 pounds TOTAL :)

I don't mind that it's not a lot, a loss is a loss!

Every little loss makes me smaller,

and that TOTAL bigger!

This week I got on the treadmill 3 days,

making my totals 45 minutes/ 1.72 miles

I have to tell you that that wasn't my usual weigh in. I planned on getting up early and getting all the laundry done, but it didn't happen. I got up late, did all the laundry, brought it to the laundromat, folded it all and THEN weighed in. On only an iced coffee all day! So of course I'll take it, because I am over joyed that I don't have to record anything in the 280s, but it's not REALLY my weight... does that make sense??? lol, it does in my mind... Anyway, I will have to work hard this week to make sure I loose from that irregular weigh in.

What I ate today:

Drink: (200) 9.5 oz iced coffee

Snack: (47) 2 Werther's (while I cooked dinner)

Dinner: (350) 3.8 oz chicken and 3/4 cup of red beans and rice, 1 cup ff skim milk

Snack: (280) sundae nut cone

Snack: (23) Werther's
Snack: (39) 5 yogurt covered raisins
Snack@ 2am: (245) bowl of frosted puffed wheat cereal w 1 cup ff skim milk

Total Water: 42 oz

Total Calories: 1184 Definitely not my normal day (except for the bad choices in snacks that are so familiar lately!). For dinner I was starving, and got a big helping. BUT I ate slow, and got full and only ate about 2/3 of what was on my plate :) AND I didn't touch the left over pizza in the fridge :)

I need to get back on track now. Enough messing around! Here are some things I plan on doing to help me do better. They are the same as the ones I started out with... I just haven't followed them in a long time now...

Eat Slow

Get small portions (this includes my JUST ONE rule, especially for pizza. That way if I want more than one, I will have to actually get up and think about what I'm doing... I am less likely to eat 5 pieces that way!)

Drink a lot of WATER- at least 40 oz per day

NO POP I've been doing good on that one :)

Choose healthier snacks

Eat more Fruits and Veggies

Get on the treadmill EVERYDAY even if only for 10 minutes! But at this point I will really try to do at least 15.

I think those are the main ones. Baby steps :)

And speaking of the treadmill...

Total Treadmill: 15 minutes/ .60 mile

Consecutive Days on the Treadmill: 4

A little news on the more personal level, today was a little rough for Ray. He is definitely having a hard day today... he is very irritable and short tempered. He realizes this though and is doing his best. It has been 5 days now and I am so proud of him. He says his mind is racing, and he doesn't feel right. I'm sure he's having trouble sleeping... It's been about 15 years since he's been clean... so I know it's going to be hard. I'm being very patient and understanding... so far ;) He also admitted that he feels better at work already, not about it not being in his system- because it still is... but just the working. He said he feels like he is working better without getting tired, so that's good :) (He works a physically demanding job)

Everything is still great though :) Going to try and go to bed soon. Have a good night!

I have lost 40 pounds!!! 40!!! Yeah, like 4-0, FORTY!!!!!!

Can you believe it?!?!?!? I can't!!!! 40 seems like such huge number, and it was starting to feel like I would bounce around and never hit it!!! BUT I DID!!!!! Woooo Hooooo!!!!!!! I wasn't going to mess with the stupid camera, but this is the first time in... I don't know how long, that the scale has been in the 270s! So I had to take one! Here you go:

Ha! Look at THAT!!!! I still can't believe it!

So that's a 2.2 pound loss this week,

for a total of 40.6 pounds, GONE.

This week I did 200 Crunches

I have been on top of the world since I saw that this morning. Ray came down and saw me smiling, and asked "what?" When I told him I have lost 40 pounds, he was really happy for me. He told me he is proud of me :) 

Later I showed him my ring and asked him if he knew why it was turned like that, he said "because your hands are wet?" (Which they were lol) I said "NO, it's because... I LOST 40 POUNDS!"

I just want to announce it to the world... but I can't, I don't really want my family to know about it... still fear that I won't really do it? Or that I won't keep it off? I don't know... But I WILL keep it off :)
When it's more noticeable, I'm sure they'll say something, and I won't have a problem telling them how much I've lost then :)
I'm so glad I have you all to share it with!!!! You and Ray know my great joy today :) And of course my son is here to hear me gushing LOL.

I made it to the store finally! Got some good stuff, mostly good stuff :) I also went over my budget, which I never do... but we won't talk about that! Let's pretend money doesn't even exist for a while so I can stay happy lol.

What I ate today:
Breakfast: Nothing (picking Ray up then shopping- I did well even with the empty stomach!)
Lunch: (392) Tuna sandwich (1can tuna, 1 tbs mw, 1/8 cup cheddar, Romain lettuce) on whole wheat, 8 baby carrots, 1 1/2 tbs light ranch, 8 sun chips, water
Snack: (130) 1/2 cup ice cream (Edy's light French Silk)
Drink: (100) 1/2 bottle iced coffee
Dinner: (538) 1 cup hamburger helper (made with ground sirloin 90/10), 1 slice buttered whole wheat toast, 1/3 cup peas, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: (23) Werther's
Snack: (150) 1/2 cup low fat cottage cheese, 1/2 cup pineapple
Snack: (300) bowl of cereal- corn chex and honey bunches of oats
Total Water: 60 oz
Total Calories: 1633
I am pretty happy with today. I really tried to think about what I was eating.
I LOVE that french silk ice cream, even before I started trying to loose weight. It's one of my favorites. I got a half cup, and sat down and ate it OUT OF the measuring cup lol. I enjoyed every second, and I was satisfied :)
They didn't have my Arnold's bread, but I got another new kind, and I like it just fine.
I also got cottage cheese... I actually love it but hardly ever eat it because it gives me head aches, but I feel fine right now, so we'll see! :)
I'm really hungry right now, about to eat that cereal I included up there. I am up to late again! I only got about 3 1/2 hours last night... so I don't know why I'm not tired. Just wired??? Because... I LOST 40 POUNDS! Haha, maybe...

I hope I'm not sounding obnoxious, I am just happy and want to share it lol :) I know it looked REAL bad for a while there... but thanks for sticking with me, and being so supportive. I feel rededicated :) I can only hope and pray that this feeling lasts.

I have to do well this week, because I am out of the 280s, and I never want to see them again!!!!!!! On to the next 40!!!!!!

Back On Track!

So as I mentioned, my brother was here till about 1:30 am. So I was up way to late, and got hungry and ate another slice of pizza and a pop tart. :( So I have to go back and add that to my eating for yesterday. (Imagine me spitting that out REAL fast, and taking a sigh of relief to be done with it!) No matter, that was yesterday and today is a new day.


Today didn't start that great, as I slept in way to late. I am happy to say that Ray took our son to the park to practice throwing a disc, for frisbee golf. I have been bothering him about not spending any quality time with his son, and I think he is finally understanding what I mean. He will be grown before we know it and Ray will look back and wish he would have done this or that (I already do!)
I also didn't make it to the store, but tomorrow FOR SURE lol.

What I DID do, is listen to my body today. And only ate when I was hungry. And really think about it first.

What I ate today:
Breakfast: asleep
Drink: (200) iced coffee
Lunch: (180) Protein Meal Bar (was getting kind of close to dinner)
Dinner: (451) 4.7 oz chicken with 1 cup red beans and rice, 1 1/2 cups skim milk
Snack: (23) 1 Werther's
Snack: (23) 1 Werther's
Total Water: 36 oz
Total Calories: 877
It was not planned to eat so little, I just wasn't hungry and didn't do much to work up an appetite today. 877 calories will not be the norm. I think on a normal day I would be starving, and I don't DO starving :)

I have to say that I do feel a lot more motivated to do well today. I was really loosing it and even though hadn't given up, was making really bad choices. Going without eating fast food, and then eating all kinds of it like that was sort of like hitting rock bottom I guess. I think that has helped me see that I need to do better, a LOT better.

Of course, besides that, I am lucky to have found blogger friends who care about me :) And I care about them too and don't want to let them down. So before I force Tessa to challenge me again, or SkippyMom to give me a tongue lashing (just kidding lol) I am going to get my a** in gear!!!!!! :)
I feel great about my new found... desire. And even though I have been doing poorly with my eating, My mood is very good and I am going to hope it stays this way :) Even if it's a gain tomorrow I will be ok. BUT I don't expect a gain. I KNOW I ate crap this week, but I also got extra exercise with the zoo and laundry problems. The way my body feels, I don't think I gained... we will see!!! Wish me luck!!! Now I just need to get my butt back on that treadmill...

Weigh In... Surprise!

So today is weigh in day... you're not even going to believe it! I made sure to turn off all the lights and take a picture so I have proof!!! LOL. (For those of you who don't know, my camera only takes pictures in pitch black, so I don't include to many pics lately) So anyway, the scale said...

WOOOO HOOOO!!!!

That is a 3.2 pound loss this week!

This means I am back to 38.4 pounds lost total,

which is my lowest weight!!! YEAH!

I am SO happy!!! It's like I'm out of the red!!!! :)

I knew I would have a loss. As I mentioned last night, my eating wasn't great this week, but SO MUCH better than last weeks binges. I was hoping for a loss, I figured a pound at the most! I mean, you saw what I ate! And I didn't get on the treadmill once this week. So yes, I'm pretty shocked. I guess that even though I didn't eat the best this week, my calories were down. AND thanks to Tessa's challenge to me, I have not ordered any fast food since last Saturday, So I made it the whole week!!! WOO HOO! And I plan on continuing that too. (I craved it for the first time today, but I didn't give in!)

This week I have been very stressed out and depressed. I have a hard time getting enough sleep anyway, but this week was bad. Really bad. I was running on little and no sleep almost all week. I am guessing that that must have had something to do with this loss also. That was NOT intentional I promise you. I am trying to get back on a schedule, and no sleep is not good for me. I'm just taking a guess here, that it helped to burn more calories...

What I ate today:

Breakfast: (263) 1/2 piece of lasagna, water

Lunch: (422) 2 1/2 small pancakes, eggs and ham (2 eggs, 1 oz ham), 1 cup ff skim milk

Snack: (23) Werther's

Drink: (200) 9.5 oz bottle iced coffee

Snack: (240) 3 chocolate chip cookies

Dinner: (252) 2.1 oz chicken, 1/2 cup red beans and rice, 1 cup ff skim milk

Snack: (400) 4 cookies, 1 cup skim milk

Snack: (23) Werther's

Total Water: 40 oz

Total Calories: 1823

I was proud of myself for only having half of that last piece of lasagna, that's a first. Also for eating so little at dinner. I wasn't that hungry because I had a heavy lunch, so I only got a little. I guess I ruined all that though by the unhealthy snack choices. But I'm happy with the calorie total, so I'm not mad at myself, I'll just do better tomorrow!

I'm not going to keep track of the time for now, it's just a little much for me to do. Just the calories is enough for me right now. I am going to listen to my body and really try to stick with the original plan and only eat when I'm hungry. My scedual is way to messed up anyway at the moment...

Crunches: 100 (40, 25, 35) Yes, I actually got on the floor and did some crunches again. I'm going to try and get back to doing them every other day... I shouldn't say 'get back to' because I never stuck with that plan long... But today I had a little motivation :)

Yep! I have another surprise :)

I don't have many shorts to choose from right now, (because of the dryer situation) and just the bottom of the drawer left. I grabbed these gray shorts to put on and I haven't wore them in at least 2 years because they are just way to tight. WELL, I figured just till I get to bed. I put them on after my shower and... They fit PERFECT!!!! I wasn't expecting that at all!!! It was a great pick me up. It also reminded me of the Pants I ordered and tried on in February and how disappointed I was that they wouldn't button... I should try those on!!!!!!!!! ALSO, I never mentioned this because I really try not to think about it... but I did take some measurements back in January before I started this blog. The first measurements I've ever taken in my life LOL. Anyway... it's been 6 months... so I think I'll take some new ones! There has to be at least SOME difference :) I'll try tomorrow!!!!!

K :) See you then!

Another One Bites the Dust...

I wonder what the statistics are... Of obese people that TRY to loose weight and never do. How many succeed? How many go on and NEVER loose the weight?
 Let's start from the beginning...

The very FIRST weight loss blog I started following was in October of last year. We will call her S. I found S because she wanted to loose weight so badly, she even went on Good Morning America and said she was doing this blog and going to loose weight in front of the whole nation. I thought that was so brave and awesome! I hadn't seen that before (and wasn't in touch with the world of blogging AT ALL) So I followed her blog. WELL. Even though she had all this free stuff from the TV show, even though she had a free gym membership, even though she had the support of her husband and was a stay at home mom, she couldn't do it. At first I sympathised, I hadn't started my weight loss journey yet, and I just admired her for trying... but it wasn't long before she wasn't trying. Don't get me wrong! I have had a HORRIBLE 2 months, but I am still trying, still posting what I eat even though it is embarrassing at times. I KNOW this is hard work and is going to be a life long commitment for sure. But the main problem I had with S was all the excuses. Excuse after excuse after excuse. She should have been honest with us, and just told us that it was harder than she though it would be. Acknowledging that she could have done better... Or admitted that she was addicted to fast food, that would be fine... Even if she said 'this is what happened and I headed to the fridge because of how it made me feel' that would be understandable to most of us! But that wasn't the case. It was more like 'I CAN'T because... or 'or it's IMPOSSIBLE to eat right because of THIS'. Or 'I did the BEST I could with the circumstances.'
So ANYWAY, I think it was about January when she took her blog down for good. Leaving a note saying that even though she wants to be held accountable... she really doesn't want to be held accountable.... not in those words of course lol.
It's to bad, and I wish nothing but good things for her. I'm sure she was quite embarrassed that she failed in front of America. (I know I would be!!!) My HOPE is that she dusted herself off and is doing great! Honestly! I found her on Facebook, and would LOVE to hear that she is going string... if she answers me I'll let you know!
(I hope this didn't sound to judgemental, I was just sharing my thoughts. I am in NO position to judge... I just think we need to be honest with our selves and each other if we ever want to change. This blog is about "My Life, My Weight Loss Journey, and Whatever else I want to Ramble About." So I do write about my life sometimes. My stresses. While these things sometimes make loosing weight harder, I KNOW it is up to me to make the right decisions. And I SO HOPE that they don't look like excuses... They are just parts of my life that may contribute to my problem. Sometimes I give in and eat like crazy, but I KNOW that was MY doing, and MINE alone...)

So from the comments on that blog, I came across 2 other bloggers. One being Tessa. She already had a blog and after checking it out I decided to read it all and follow her journey! She is going through this weight loss battle like a lot of us. She has good days and bad days like a lot of us. She is HONEST about her mistakes and most important, keeps on trying. She has become a dear blogger friend to me, and I am so thankful for her support and encouragement :) So thankful that we found each other.

The other blogger I started following at that same time we'll call M. She, like myself, had decided to start her own blog and try to loose the weight. She is about my age with a total opposite life. She is one BUSY lady. She has 2 jobs, (one being a lawyer) and a young daughter. I followed her blog from the start. She started off SO GREAT, loosing very fast. She would take little breaks from blogging, but come back to catch us up. She gained a little when she was away, but was ready to try again each time and I respected her for that. The last 2 times she came back, it didn't last long. Last time I think she had gained almost all her weight back. BUT she wanted it so bad, and was still trying! Well, the other day I realized it had been a while since she had posted that she was "back." I'm guessing 3 weeks? I went to her blog to see any comments and if I somehow missed any new entries.
THE BLOG YOU WERE LOOKING FOR WAS NOT FOUND
:( That truly made me sad. I can only think that she has given up on her weight loss journey, and my heart breaks for her. She wants to be able to play with her young child, to feel good about herself. All the things I want. It just goes to show how hard this is, and reinforce to me that I HAVE to do better before I wake up one day and have gained ALL my weight back. What would I do then? Give up??? I hate to say it, but yes. I probably would!


Anyway, S is the one that inspired me to do a blog in the first place. If it weren't for her I wouldn't be here. So even with all the excuses, I wish NOTHING but good things for her.
I hope M does go back to her weight loss journey. Whether she blogs about it or not, I really hope she is somewhere right now taking positive steps for her future.

So out of those first 3 blogs and mine, there is only Tessa and I. What does that say? 50%? I hope more than half the people that really try DO succeed! I am determined to be one of them! I will fall sometimes, but as long as I get back up and keep going- that's all that matters.

Almost all of the other blogs I follow about weight loss have been at it a long time. Have lost a lot and are still loosing, or even maintaining a great loss. They are doing awesome... but I wonder how many there are out there that start and don't finish? Out of the very few that I follow that are new to loosing weight, One more has already given up...
I started following a new blog yesterday. She JUST started last month. I kind of feel like I shouldn't get attatched... does that make sense??? BUT I caught up on all her post anyway, and am very interested and exited about her new journey :) I know she can do it!!!! I hope that everyone I follow succeeds and looses the weight!!! Maybe it's not realistic, but I TRULY hope it happens!!!!!! That includes me of course lol :)

What I ate today:
10am Drink: (67) 1/3 bottle iced coffee
Noon Brunch: (428) Scrambled eggs and ham (1 1/2 egg, 1 1/2 oz ham), slice of whole wheat buttered toast, 1 cup 2% milk
1:30pm Snack: (440) 4 choco chip cookies, 1 cup 2% milk
5pm Dinner: (550) 2 slices leftover bbq chicken DeLITE pizza, large romaine salad with 2 tbs sun dried tomato dressing, 5 croutons, 1/4 cup mozz cheese. Water. Pinch of mozz cheese ;)
9pm Snack: (71) 25 grapes (106 grams)
Total Water: 40oz
Total Calories: 1556
Definitely could be better, but I am fine with it :) The cookies are gone, so that's good lol.

I am going to try SO hard to get on a better schedule. I told my son that during the week we ARE going to go to bed at a descent time. No more staying up till I bring Ray to work, that is NOT working. So I will be going to bed soon, and if I do end up eating before then (i am hungry right now) it will be grapes, and I'll com back and write it tomorrow.

It's funny how invested I got into those blogs... I didn't know M or S and still was So disappointed! Have you had similar experiences? have you followed someone that gave up? How did it affect you???

PS: I ended up awake late again (more on that in next post), but I gave in and had a bowl of cereal. Still not to bad today over all...