Not Doing So Well... Going to Take a Blog Break

I haven't been on the treadmill once.
I get up every morning with the best intentions, and then loose all motivation.

Yes I'm stressed out. Maybe a little more than usual, but I can't keep letting that throw me off track!

One of the new things piled up on top of everything else, my sons report card. He has always been an A student. Some Bs sometimes... but it's because I stayed right on top of him and reminded him about his homework every day ect. Now that he's in middle school I don't know EVERY thing that is going on. I was so worried that when he started middle school he would have trouble. That it would all overwhelm him...

My son is very smart. Since he was a baby, just SO smart. But he also has a hard time paying attention, and gets side tracked very easily. He forgets what he is/was doing a lot, not just in school work. My Mom said I should check out ADD drugs when he was around 3. I'm like "no mom, he's just being a kid!" Then when he was in 2nd grade his teacher actually told me I might want to think about getting him on some medication... I just couldn't see doing that. He was so young, and doing excellent in school... He is more on the shy side, never caused any trouble... so why would I drug him?

Anyway, a few weeks back I went online for the first time to check his grades. He had As, Bs and a C+. Now a C+ is fine, IF that's the best he could do. But I know he can do better. I made sure he knew that if he didn't bring that grade up before report card time he would be grounded from video games until his NEXT report card, 9 weeks away. He said he could bring it up, and I ask him ALL the time if he has homework and he never does... Now he brings home His report card. Instead of all As and maybe a B or 2, These are his grades: A, A-, B+, B, B-, C+, C-, E.
WTF?
I was SO PISSED. And Yelled at him more than I probably have in his whole life. He DOES have homework, he KNOWS he has to do it, but just didn't. I asked him what he thought was going to happen when he didn't do his homework? He knew I was going to see it, what did he think I would say? "I don't know." Is pretty much all he says. I can't explain how upset I am about this.
And the online "up to date" progress reports I can access daily? What a crock of shit. I thought he would be bringing home 1 C+ because of that. Now that it finally updated, nothing has been added since the 11th. So NOTHING from the new marking period, it still says the grades from his report card... So I can now see all the assignments he missed from LAST marking period. So how am I supposed to stay on top of all his grades/ assignments if they don't update it? I even signed up to receive weekly emails from all his classes, the last 2 weeks were exactly the same! What is the fucking point of getting a weekly email if they don't ever change?!?!?!

So I'm not sure what to do. He is grounded from all video games until his next report card, in 9 weeks. Maybe he does have something like ADD... but more than that, I think he is addicted to video games. Which is of course our fault as parents. Ray's addicted to them, and so is he. I think that more than any kind of ADD, he just would rather play video games or watch netflix. I think that that was more important that doing homework. He has NO problem remembering things he has to get done in his games, or the new achievements he can get on what day... so now I'm hoping he can be just as dedicated to his school work without so many other distractions. I always just kind of let that go, because he really is such a good kid. And always got good grades... but obviously something has to be done.

And I am on his ass. Every day, I'm looking at his planner, and asking what every single thing is, if he got it done. I'll be checking that online thing often, hoping that it will update soon so I can see how he is really doing. I don't really know what else to do. If he still gets bad grades, what then? I guess ask the doctor what they think. (I hate his doctors office, since age 8 we don't go unless absolutely necessary) I really do think No video games will help a lot. He's not even upset as I thought he would be... but really what can he say? I warned him... and he still didn't care enough to do what needed to be done.
Missing a few assignments? Fine. But he didn't bring home ANY homework all marking period, and he had a LOT he was supposed to do. The only thing he brought home everyday was 20 minutes of band practice. Little did I know that she also hands out homework to bring home on TOP of that. (That's the class he got an E in. The class he works the hardest for. He practices that thing everyday, I never dreamed she handed out extra homework on top of that.)  It doesn't matter though, he KNEW he was supposed to be doing this other work. And he just chose not to! I just can't fricken believe that! What was he thinking?!?!
So I want him to do well in school, it is the most important thing on my mind right now. The perfect time for him to get sick right? Yeah. He had to stay home from school today....
I have been sick to my stomach or had a horrible head ache every morning for a while now. Today is the first day I didn't, but now he is sick :(

Anyway, as you can see all this has me very upset. I guess I'm so upset because of the bigger picture. I just want the best for him. I want more for him than I have. Isn't that what every parent wants? And he has always done so well in school, and I just knew that was the ONE thing I didn't have to worry about- his education. But now this changes all that. If I let him he would just play Xbox all day and not care if he failed every class. And straight up lie to me when I ask him about homework... That is hard for me to except.
I just want him to do well in school, go to college, have a job he doesn't hate, live in a nice safe place... I want him to have everything I didn't. And don't.

UGH.

Speaking of wanting what's best for him...
Thanksgiving is only 3 days away. I still haven't talked to my brother. We haven't been over there in 4 months because them all getting high all the time finally just got to be to much for me. They no longer care if my son is there, and don't try to make sure the smoke is kept far away from him anymore. Sure they don't do it in the same room, but it's a tiny ass trailer. Where they used to go in the back, or outside- now it's in the next room or like the last time, the enclosed porch where 5 people open the door to get inside right where my son is and bring all the smoke with them... They just don't care. And I'm fucking sick of it.
Why don't they want whats best for him? Why does his own Grandmother think this is all just fine? Me and her fought about it afterwards. Her saying things like "It's not my house. I only took one hit. I didn't know you cared, you stopped complaining about it." Complete bull shit. While we are not fighting at the moment, just thinking of it makes me so full of rage all over again.
So besides me and her fighting, no one else has said anything. She told me she's not telling my brother (Bear, who's trailer it is, who wasn't even there when I had finally had enough) so he knows nothing about it. But he HAS to have noticed we don't come over anymore right? He is stoned everyday, all day... so maybe not. Anyway, I have to confront him and make sure NO ONE will be getting high while we are there. If they absolutely have to, I need to know they will go outside away from my 12 year old. (Their only nephew, and only grandson that they should be caring about without me forcing them!) So how do I do this without causing a fight? Or getting dis invited from Thanksgiving? Or disowned? Haha. Who knows. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
I figure if I don't make a big deal about it, he won't either? I'm just going to say: "He is not exposed to weed anymore. I just want to make sure that won't be a problem. That you can all wait till we leave to get high, or at least go outside if you CAN'T wait." We'll see what happens. If he does throw a fit? Well, then fuck him. They are pretty much the only family we have left, but at the moment, I don't really care.

So yeah, I guess I am stressed. Once Thanksgiving is over I think I will feel SO much better.

I have bad news about Ray's Mom. She had to call into work last week because her vision was so bad. She went to the doctor and they said she needs surgery, but they can't operate because her sugar is way to high. She has also been having trouble with her feet because of the diabetes, which I just found out about. Ray is in complete denial about how bad it's getting. He just says "Oh it's just her cataracts. She's fine now." I don't argue... but I think it's worse than she is telling us...

Oh, another fun thing...
The townhouse I grew up in, started on fire Saturday. It's in this complex, if I walk 5 steps from my porch I can see it, another 200 and I'm there...
The outside is fine, the inside and everything in it is a loss. The basement is ok I guess.
It was weird to see it, everything black, the blinds melted off the windows, all the firemen... but that's all. Just weird. It's where I grew up, where I brought my son home to when he was born. But I don't have any emotional attachment to it. The whole time I was there I couldn't wait to get out of it.

It just so happens Ray's brothers girlfriend (one of many) lives there. Her and her 3 kids weren't home. The landlord is going to move them into a 2 bedroom until a 3 opens up. Which was really nice, especially seeing it was most likely caused by candles she left burning...
I really feel bad for her though. Now she has lost almost everything. Thankfully she has her family.
She has been through a lot with Ray's brother this last year. She lost their baby, about 6 months ago I think... we attended the memorial service.  He leaves, comes back, leaves... really fucks with her mentally. I love ray's brother, but sometimes he makes me sick... the way he treats women is just awful... I won't go into all of it now, or how many kids he has.... just know I think it's disgusting and sad that he is never going to grow up. And only the women that love him, and all his kids are going to suffer for it.

BUT I have my own problems. I can't worry about her, or her stupid decisions... He's like family, and I can't be thinking of all these silly girls every time I see him. If I do I might end up telling him off one day... that's the last thing I should do right now! haha, like I need his whole family mad at me too. Oh that would be funny though! "Hey you selfish piece of shit. Why don't you grow the fuck up and think about someone else besides yourself for once in your life. How about you go get snipped so you can quit having kids you aren't going to take care of. And for Fucks sake pick a girl and stick with her! Maybe even pick one that has a kid by you already!!" ahh... that would be great huh? I know it would make me feel better ;) But I won't.
Like I said. I got enough problems.
He was here yesterday... had been helping her salvage some stuff from the basement. He found 8 grams of cocaine, and was pretty happy! Who cares her house burnt down, it was his fucking lucky day!
Ugh... do you see the kind of people I'm surrounded by? It's really no wonder I'm depressed...

And yes, I am pretty depressed. Just so tired of everything you know? Struggling everyday and getting no where... Living by the golden rule when no one else does... Ugh, don't get me started! (and no, this so far is not even getting started haha)

Despite everything I had an ok weekend. But now I'm feeling low again.

Me and my son are fine. I'm upset right now writing about it, but I yelled at him about it Friday/Saturday, now I'm done. Now I'm just going to be very strict about it and make sure... he doesn't lie and say he did everything in his planner??? How am I going to do that? Ugh, he better not. He knows I'm checking online now, and hopefully wanting to play his video games in 9 weeks will be enough motivation for him. AND not ever wanting to see me that pissed off ever again!

Tomorrow he will be back in school. I have a very busy day... I'll be bringing him to school, picking up Ray, bringing him to donate plasma, waiting in the parking lit for an hour or more, doing about 5 loads of laundry when I get home, then taking all that to the laundry mat to dry. Then making dinner...
I would love to say I will get back to doing the treadmill tomorrow, but I'm not going to say that. Because I probably won't.

I feel like all I do is complain lately. And this shit has to be depressing to read! So I'm going to take a little time off from my blog. I will come back when I'm a little less stressed and have some good things to write about. I'm thinking after the holiday is over, no later than Monday Ok? I don't want to just keep writing about the bad all the time... it's not any fun. For me, and I'm sure not for you either.

I'll still be here reading yours though! I have to catch up the last couple days of course.

To make sure I don't completely go off the deep end, as far as food again, I am going to make a promise:
I WILL write down everything I eat. It's when I don't, that I really mess up.
I will try to get back on the treadmill, I know it's SO important for my weight loss.
I will update my weight loss tracker every day.

Thanks for all of your support, and I'm sorry I'm so winy lately.

I'm going to take a page out of colenic's book and list some good things in the middle of this chaos.
My middle brother JW got a job today
Ray is getting a LOT more hours because of the Holidays
It was a beautiful 65 degree day out today, even with the storm later and tornado watch :)
Besides this temporary grade set back, I really do have a great son. We have a good relationship, and I'm confident this lying was just a phase (umm... am I in denial? Just let me stay here if I am ok?)
I know Ray loves me
My car is working
I got a surprise birthday card from my best friend
The 3 of us watched Avatar together and it was very nice :)

Again, I'm sorry all I do is complain. I know it could be worse and others have way more problems than I do. I know I will feel better...
Oh, and I should apologise for all the swearing too :) I really don't swear a lot... I guess I swear more when I'm angry or depressed... but rest assured I don't talk to my son like that. He's heard it all form my Mom and brothers, but I've never felt the need to swear in front of kids... Ok, maybe when some idiot almost crashes into me while I'm driving, but that's about it ;)

Ok, Goodnight everybody. I'll be back!

Friday's Food Disaster

It seems to me that EVERY Friday after weigh in, I never do well with food. Maybe it's the relief and knowing I have a whole week ahead to fix whatever damage I do? I don't know, but being Friday AND coming off my birthday both probably contributed to this disaster of a day.
I started off ok, I felt nauseous a lot of the day and wasn't really hungry... So all I had was vegetables for dinner. I was feeling ok with my day.
Then I started feeling better, FINALLY at about 8pm. And the munchies kicked in...
No excuses though, I could have used a little will power... could have made better choices! There is no reasonable explanation to why I would eat all this.
So lets get this out of the way and move on:

Yesterday's Food:
Coffee: 50
1/2 cup with 1 1/2 tbs pumpkin spice creamer
Lunch: 590
4 hard shell tacos, 1 bite of rice, 1 bite of beans
Iced Coffee: 55
1/2 cup with 1 1/2 creamer
Dinner: 55
1 1/2 cup boiled veggies (frozen mix- broccoli, cauliflower, carrots) with 1/2 tbs parmesan
Then came the snacking :( Binging is more like it...
1 slice of cinnamon raisin bread: 80
1 slice of cinnamon raisin toast with 1/2 tbs cc: 110
1 mini bagel with cream cheese and 8 pepperonis: 340
Veggie chips with cheese and salsa: 250
1 piece of cake:? 1/2 cup ice cream: 130
White Cheddar Cheez its: about 150
1 werthers: 23
This was all between 8pm and about midnight... Why? I really don't know, I have no idea. But even for those 2 weeks I was gone I didn't do this! I over ate a lot at meals, and I did snack a lot... but to just eat one thing after another, a whole new snack every 20 minutes... I am so disappointed in myself.

I am glad I got that out of the way. Even though it is HORRIBLE, I'm glad I got recorded it. Seeing it makes me have to face how out of control I got, and how easy it would be to just do that every day... to gain all my weight back- and then some! Those 2 weeks and this are set backs...
I have really been letting myself down lately... and in doing that, I also feel like I'm letting down those of you who support me... and I feel bad about that :(

I'm glad I got this all down and over with. I'm not going to dwell on it. just try to move forward.

Right Now, surprisingly, I feel great.
I have 6 days left till my next Friday weigh in and I still believe I can loose the 2.6 pounds if I really put my mind to it. My mind is to it right now, I guess the struggle is KEEPING it there.

Maybe you want to hear me bitch and moan?

Or maybe you don't! And that is totaly fine!!! Or maybe you don't want to read my personal rambalings and realize I'm a mess.

That's why I decided to do my personal life complaints in a separate post. I want you my followers to be able to skip it if you want, but still be all caught up on everything else. Does that make sense? Skip it if you want, it's personal and it is not required reading... haha :)
Also, it's a separate post because I don't want it to come off as excuses... because my stress is NOT an excuse for sabotaging myself like I did!
This blog has been about my weight loss journey, as well as my life. It is like my journal and has become a place where I can vent and get it all out. (Giving Ray a huge break lol) So I just want you to know what's going on in my life lately. So it is separate from my weight loss struggles, because let's face it. My life is stressful and it's not going to be any less stressful anytime soon! I CAN NOT turn to food every time something goes wrong.
So feel free to skip this one!

I am feeling kind of sick... kind of feverish. Maybe that's why I feel so... unemotional right now. Or maybe it is just my crazy bad mood swings... But all these things that have caused me so much stress over the last few weeks, don't really even seem important right now. I mean, they ARE important, but not so overwhelming that I can't handle it... So I think I'll just kind of list them, and not get emotional about it like I normally would.

Yeah, a 'matter of fact' list might be just what I need... It may look cold, but it's a way for me to get it all out. And a way for you to be caught up without me doing a 10 page post too... I'm sure as time goes on, I will have to deal with some of it and will do more emotional or detailed post about some of it... but today it's just time to get it off my chest. Nice and quick like.

Last week Ray's Mom started stressing about whether or not to retire. She is constantly thinking about it, not sure what to do. She has one more month to decide. She is talking about it whenever we see her. Even called here and cried about it. Part of the problem is that she raised her boys to depend on her for EVERYTHING and now 2 of Ray's brothers do. That's how she raised them... But I can't tell her that. I feel bad, but I don't know what to do for her... It's stressing Ray out...

Lat week Ray's Dad called his mother, and left his phone number for Ray to call him if he wants... I have very strong opinions and emotions about this- but for now we'll just stick with the facts: He hasn't seen Ray in about 20 years, since he was a young boy. He never tried to contact him before. Now he is divorced and all of a sudden calls ray's mom and has a really long chat... I will not go into what I think of this situation or this man. I don't want him in our lives- I don't want to see Ray hurt. Again.

Ray's brother just got out of prison last month. After serving his latest term, 14 years. He stays less than 10 minutes from here. He is not someone I want around, maybe if we didn't have a son- but we DO. So I am hoping he doesn't contact Ray, and that Ray doesn't decide he wants to contact him. I think one of Ray's brothers has been talking to him, but He has no contact with their mother. (Ever since he tried to kill her when Ray was little.) So I am keeping my fingers crossed that I do not have to deal with this.

Money Problems, bad money problems. of course.

Thanksgiving is comming up. We have it at Mom's (my brothers) but I have not been there in months, because I don't want my son exposed to weed anymore. They don't respect how I am trying to raise him so we haven't' been over there. I am expected to be there, and will have to have a talk with my brother about no one getting high while we are there. It could go a number of ways...

My grandmother is having major surgery in about a week. On my birthday in fact. She disowned us all about 3 years ago. (a long story, her daughter took over her life ect.) I don't want to have anything to do with her or her evil daughter. But what if she dies? Will I regret not speaking to her... or even sending her a card before she goes to the hospital? Will I feel bad about that for ever? Or maybe I won't care. Don't know.

Margie and Bruce's death... effected me more than I ever thought it could. I can't explain how sad I was, am. It Left me so confused. Broke my heart. made me question the point of this life and all of our struggles...
Before Margie died, October already had a shadow cast over me. It is the 1 year anniversary of my cousins death. She was only 1 month older than me when she died last year. 28 years old. Her name is the same as mine, Tina Marie... I loved her very much. She died of an overdose. Heroin. All alone in a motel room. It hurts to even think about it. Hurts to think about how she looked in her casket. Right now my chest feels like it's caving in... moving on.

Having serious faith issues. Not sure what I believe anymore... and it is really sad to me. This started last year, and got worse when Tina died at the same time I was trying to figure it out.
(Some day I will tell you all about her life, and how the belief I always had that 'God never gives you more than you can handle' was shattered in to a million tiny pieces the day she died.)
My doubt in my faith gets worse and worse... and now I don't think I believe in a lot of the things I have my whole life. I'm not sure how to deal with that... I have no idea what to do about this.

Ok, these are the main things I think of daily that have been overwhelming me. Other things like my house being a mess right now, or gas prices, or the computer breaking as soon as I finally got my car back... these are little, these are just inconveniences, but they do add to my already fragile mental state.

It's times like this when one of my worst fears haunt me.
I get depressed, but it's not often I get this bad. I think this may be the worst time I have ever had with mood swings... Well, in a LONG time anyway. It's not often that I feel I can't really control my emotions, where I get so overwhelmed with things that I pretty much give up... and it makes me feel I am like my mother. This only makes me more depressed and stressed out. Over the years she has been diagnosed with Manic depression, OCD, and Bi Polar... but I figure her doctors are all quacks and most of it is in her head. Excuses to not have any responsibilities...
Then I get like this and feel like a failure... and wonder if I'm going to end up a selfish bitch like her...

If you have stayed and read all this, I don't want you to worry. I'm not in a corner crying all day or anything.
I think my son is oblivious except my temper is a little short... But we're ok. I think of most of this when I'm alone. I rarely cry, but it's at night when I do. I had been letting him play xbox more, just so he wouldn't catch on... he was happy but I know that's no good! We have been watching movies/ shows on netflix and that time with him I do forget everything else :)
Once this week, on my worst day, I did start crying while making dinner, but he didn't see me...

I know it could be worse. It could ALWAYS be worse. I also know we all have bad days... but I'm just tired of having all bad days...

Well, to make sure I don't get to emotional and start writing a whole fricken novel right now, I better get going! Now that I have my computer back, and am getting back on track, I am very hopeful that these feelings will pass and everything will go back to 'normal.'

We Have Lost A Wonderful Woman

I just woke up, internets on, came to check on my blog.

I was mildly annoyed that someone would write something so horrible on my last post about Margie M, and was going to write some things to this person... but decided I better check, JUST in case. Actually, I went to check to see if she posted today so I could be a smart ass, and write something about how she's still posting...

I went to Margie M's blog, and nothing out of the ordinary. She hasn't posted everyday lately...
But then I decided to check her other blog, that I don't read very often. And this is what I found:
http://bruceandmargiesfulltimejourney.blogspot.com/2010/10/from-her-family.html

It says that Margie and her husband Bruce were killed. Taking their daily walk.

I have been sitting here crying for 10 minutes now. I feel so overwhelmed with grief.
I can't imagine how her family must be feeling, to loose such a wonderful woman. And of course her husband also, from what she wrote he was also a beautiful person. If you are the praying type, please keep their family in your prayers. I know they leave behind 2 grandchildren that they loved with all their heart... and she wrote about often.

I keep thinking this is some kind of hoax. But she wrote everyday on that blog, so I don't see how it could be...

I just don't understand.
She changed her life for the better, was doing her best to be healthy and keep the weight off to beat the statistics. That's why they walked daily, and for this to happen... I just don't understand... and it is so senseless. if it happened how this says, it is murder... I just can't believe this... how could this have happened??? I don't understand...

She has helped me so much. I feel so blessed to have "known" her.
I hope her daughter keeps her blog up, because it can still help so many.

Again, please keep the family in your thoughts, especially those "Grands."
As heartbroken as I feel,
I know it must be unbearable for her family.

I don't know WHAT happened...

Honestly, I don't :(

I really felt GREAT, especially after meeting that goal last week! I felt like I was motivated as much as I was back in January. For the first time in a LONG time.

The weekend wasn't great, but it didn't ruin my mood or my determination.

Monday morning I started off with more BBQ chips. I realized, there weren't many left at all. I finished them. Meaning, I had eaten the WHOLE bag by myself over 3 days. I said to myself: What the hell are you doing?!?! And I did GREAT the rest of the day. I stuck to the plan, did housework, ate a sandwich for lunch on the 'sandwich thins' with baby carrots. Did the treadmill at 1pm which worked out so well! I stayed on it a little longer: 30 minutes/ 1.18 miles, Incline 1 with 2 ob weights for 5 minutes and I felt so good. I really love having it done and out of the way too! I only had ONE cookie. I did good with dinner, eating only one portion. And I snacked on measured out almonds. I got in 51 oz of water! The day was great.
Then... I don't know what happened.
It was 10:30pm, and Ray was hungry... we... ordered pizza. I know I have a pizza problem, but we haven't ordered it in the middle of the night for a snack since before I started this Jan 2010!!! (And even though it was his idea, if I would have said no- he wouldn't have. I was totally all for it.) Medium 12 inch. I had 5 pieces. FIVE. :( I found comfort in the fact they were small... but later? When I was done? I felt like SHIT. I couldn't believe I did that!!!!! 5 pieces of pizza in the middle of the night!?!?!?! OMG!!!  I still can't believe I did that.
Today wasn't any better. I was depressed. I'm sure mostly because I had eaten the pizza.
Let me be clear: I didn't eat because I was depressed, I was in a GREAT mood Monday. Even when we ordered it! I honestly don't know why I did it! I sure wasn't hungry... ugh.

So today I was depressed. I went to bed after sending the boy off to school, and I didn't get up till 11:30. I snacked all day. Not a lot at a time, but all through the day. And again, when I wasn't really even hungry. I didn't have lunch, and had a small portion of chicken with red beans and rice for dinner. I didn't want food, because I felt really sick. I had snacked all day on almonds, a trail mix bar, cereal and sun chips... and now I feel sick. I don't get sick often. Hardly EVER. But today I got pains in my stomach, that really hurt. That turned into a sick feeling. Without getting to graphic, I've spent a lot of the evening on the toilet.
That's what I get for filling my body with a bunch of crap.
I am so embarrassed.
I wasn't even going to write at all. I figured I'll come back when I'm feeling better and all will be well. BUT you know me. I would have felt guilty. On top of that, over at Jo's blog yesterday, she happened to ask: What is our responsibility, as bloggers, to our followers? I answered, that the only 'responsibility' I feel I have to my followers is to always be HONEST.
Well, I've always been and always will be. Even though I had a horrible couple days, I HAVE to share that, because it's part of my journey and I can't leave it out just because it sucks. Or because I am so ashamed of it. Which I am.
I'm still feeling depressed, now along with sick to my stomach. BUT I don't want to snack anymore. I don't want to eat ANYTHING. I can't change what I did the last 2 days, but I can do better tomorrow.

I REALLY was feeling so great and so motivated. I just want that back. I'm going to get up tomorrow and do my best. No matter my mood, I won't eat like I did today. I won't eat unless I'm hungry, no mindless snacking. I hope I don't feel sick tomorrow, but if I do it's my own fault!

I did weigh myself for my weight loss tracker, and it wasn't pretty.
I also got on the treadmill during The Biggest Looser. Ugh, I didn't want to. I put it off till the last 15 minutes of the show. My heart wasn't in it and I hated it the whole time. But I did it.
20 minutes/ .77 mile, Incline 1
I think I'm done with The Biggest Looser. I've watched since the beginning, except for one season. But I am having issues with this season, big time. It's not inspiring me this time, but only pissing me off. Which is crazy, I never would have thought I'd stop watching.

Anyway. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

I hope you all are doing well. Better than me at least!

Wow. Is this for real?

I"m up way to late. I JUST got done catching up on my blog roll. I have to say, I'm a little sad.

One blogger, Bee , is having a REALLY tough time. She has lost close to 80 pounds I think, but is now really stressed out. You know I have a problem with eating when I'm stressed, so I really feel for her. She is binging, and even started smoking again. If you have time, would you go give her a little encouragement? I think she really needs it right now. Thanks :)

I'm also a little disgusted...
Another blogger is leaving, because she was bullied so bad that she is going to quit her blog.
How sad is that??? I would send you to her blog as well, but I know she has made up her mind.

I just feel really bad, because I don't know how I would react to something like that. She started her blog to have help, and share her journey... and to be picked on like that is just so unnecessary.

If you don't like someones blog, don't follow it! It's one thing to comment on the blog when you don't agree or just stop following it... But to keep following it, and posting mean things on your own blog about it, links to her blog, things that aren't true, and just plain picking on her... why?

At first I really thought he had a good heart and the best intentions... but I watched it all unfold, and it got pretty ridiculous. I finally did make a comment as to why this person was so hard on others that don't do it his way... and he didn't post my comment. After JUST saying he posts any and all comments. I finally had to quit reading that blog. Partly because he doesn't really post all comments, Mostly because I am so tired of all the negativity, and it just wasn't good for me. Posting bad things about people, and including a link so you can go bully them too??? (Oh not just to this blogger, he does it a LOT.) It's just to much. Especially now that I see he actually used her real name, that she did NOT make public, only told him privately when they were "friends." I just can't understand... it's all just so childish.

You want to know the worst part? This is true, I'm NOT making this up:
Attacking her isn't enough, he actually called on his blogger "friends" to back him up! To stick up for him and join in the bullying! No, I'm not kidding. It's true!!! And What's worse? A few of his followers actually listened to him... I mean, I've heard of being a follower- but holy shit!!!! Now THAT'S what I call a follower!!! Is this high school or what?!?!?!

I'm not going to send you to his blog, I would NOT lower myself to giving you links to go attack someone. That is just plain immature and unnecessary. Just know that this BS is actually going on... it's mind blowing to me!!! It really makes me not want to trust anyone, or give out any real info. To think someone might use it later if they don't agree with my weight loss plan??? WOW. Be careful who you trust!

Some of us struggle, if you don't... GREAT. Be happy, thankful, and PROUD... but don't pick on someone because they are not having an easy time... what's the point? I just don't get it.

I feel bad that she is going. I feel bad that she LET him push her out of blog land. :( I only hope she stays on her journey and accomplishes her goals.

For anyone reading, PLEASE don't let anyone come in between you and your goals, or happiness. You deserve to be happy and no one can take that away from you, unless you LET them.

Bleh.
There's my 2 cents on it lol.
I'm usually pretty laid back here in blog land... usually just watch and don't get involved. But once in a while I just have to get things off my chest. I guess I just can't stand everyone in his corner and no one in hers...
In real life I don't usually have that problem, I say what I think right away. It's got me into trouble a time or two, but it's usually worth it :)

I also read some great posts, about NSVs and accomplishments. Even a song or two lol. Saw some great pictures, you KNOW I love me some pictures :) So it's not all bad!

It's late, and I still have to do the treadmill!!!! I'm not going to make my midnight curfew tonight. That's ok, I'll catch up on some sleep this weekend :) Hope you all had a great day!

If the internet cooperates, I'll see you tomorrow!!!

Weigh Day... Oh The Horror!!!

First let me thank 2 new faces! Lanie Painie and Laura W. Thank you so much for joining me in My Day! Maybe I should say THREE new faces, since the picture for Lanie Panie are 2 very cute platypuses! SO cute, I never thought them cute before seeing that picture :)

Alright, now to the weigh in.
It wasn't pretty... so brace yourselves :(
And the scale says....

281.6

That is a Gain of 3.4 pounds this week

and makes my Total Lost 38.4 Pounds

Was on the treadmill only 3 times this week

Making the totals 1 hour 10 minutes

and 2.55 miles

UGH

I knew it would be a gain, but didn't know it would be so much. BUT I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

I know exactly why I gained, eating to much, only walking 3 days instead of 7. Simple. Now I need to fix it.

I got an award the other day from Shielah, and now have 2 new followers... on top of all you that support me already!!! Great reasons to be motivated and get my butt back in gear!!!

Why does it feel so hard?

I really don't know. I have lost motivation, and it's been kind of hard getting it back... Now look at me, back in the 280s. I NEVER wanted to see the 280s EVER EVER again!!! Grrr! I can only be mad at myself. I look at that list on the side of my weigh ins... and I'm the same weight I was 14 weeks ago. I feel like I have wasted  14 weeks, just poured them down the drain!

But it's time to take a deep breath and concentrate on what needs to be done.

Yesterday's Gone, Live for Today.

I have to remember that. I have to remember how good it felt to hit that 40 pounds lost mark, and make sure I do it this week!!! I want out of the 280s! If I put some effort into it, I'll get out of them for good this week. If I really work hard, maybe I can get back in the green by loosing 3.6 pounds. Then I would be at 42 pounds lost, where I was 3 weeks ago! I won't be mad if I don't hit 3.6, but I'm going to try. You know I usually don't set number goals for myself, but this week I am really going to try and hit that number. It WILL be a loss, and I'll do my best to get 3.6 :)

Get on the treadmill EVERY day

Eat Small portions

Get to bed no later than midnight

No fast food

Stop snacking so much

That's not so bad, and I know that's ALL I need to do. I'm not stuck at this weight because of a plateau, I'm stuck because I just haven't been putting in the work! So I should consider myself lucky. I have yet to really hit a plateau, and I see how frustrating that is! I just need to get rededicated. After I hit that 40th day in a row of being on the treadmill, I missed 2 days, but got back on it. I told myself "see, you don't have to do it EVERY day, it's still habit." Well it's been 2 weeks and now I missed FOUR days this week. NOT GOOD. I HAVE to do it EVERY DAY!

Today was pretty stressful, more money problems, and more stress I don't need! BUT before I go to bed, I'm going to concentrate on the good of today, and what made me smile :)

It was a beautiful day :)

Ray made me smile, he always does :)

My son got home from camp! It's so nice to have him home! :)

There, that feels better.

And a new one: Today is the last day I will be in the 280s!!! Damn it!!! :)

I'm pretty tired again tonight, so going to read up on your blogs and then getting to bed! Should be before Midnight, if I'm not done- I'll go anyway!!! :)

Goodnight All!

Suprise! Another Sh*t Day for Me... oh wait, that's nothing new.

My luck is back to being bad.

I'll take this time to warn you, this is not a fun post. AT ALL. I'm angry, sick and tired. There is language that may not be suitable for sensitive viewers. I won't blame you at all if you skip this one. It is not my usual self, the one that tries to stay positive and says "It could always be worse." It's that other girl, the one who usually stays away, the one that is sick of being shit on. My Life SUCKS is the main plot point, so please don't read if you don't think it would be good for you.
Believe me, I wish I could skip it!!!

The last few days I tried not to let stress get to me. I concentrated on the good and what I am thankful for. I really thought my luck was changing for the better. I really did. And through the chaos all around me, I was doing my very best to stay positive. I had just spent hundreds on my car, leaving $9.64 in my bank account, but at least my car works right???
WRONG. Now my car won't start at all. Not even with a jump.
As you may know, Ray's work shift starts at 4:00 am. No buses run at that time, and we HATE to ask anyone to bring him, but now we will have to.
It sucks.
I feel like shit.

The cats have fleas again... or still? Spent a bunch of $ on that crap too... and now it seems it didn't even work, we thought it did, but obviously not.
It's time to take some laundry to dry at the mat again, since my piece of shit dryer doesn't work... but my piece of shit car doesn't work.
Summers ending, so all the worthless piece of shit neighbors feel they have to go out and act as ignorant as possible day and night, before it's cold and they will have to be cooped up inside. Trying their best to prove who's more ghetto. Fucking morons.
There were gun shots twice this summer, VERY near my house. But I didn't see ONE drug raid... that's a first! It's been YEARS since there was a whole summer without at least 2 raids in our view. So maybe I should be thankful for that huh? It's most likely because they have cut law enforcement so much that the swat team just doesn't have the man power or the time anymore. But hey, lets spend $30,000 on a new statue down town, just to be spray painted and shit on anyway...
Ugh, I better stop now before I start writing things I'll regret later.

I know money isn't everything, but we are trying to save to get all this bankruptcy behind us. Then we would be able to move forward, and maybe get the hell out of here!!!! How the fuck is that supposed to happen when every time I turn around something else is going wrong!?!??

I know there are bigger problems than mine, but I'm tired. So tired of everything. I'm tired of everything always going wrong. No matter how positive I try to be, today I just don't have anything left. I am just drained.

I feel like shit. My eating today was shit. And when I was eating the shit? It made me feel better. Yeah, that's right, it did. Which makes me even more depressed, actually writing that makes me want to cry. BUT I'm to tired for that. I think I've cried more in the last couple months then in the year before that! What's up with that? I never used to cry, and it hasn't helped anything either. I'm now Getting to that point where I'm starting to feel numb. Never a good sign.

Everyone is pissing me off, (except Ray and my son) my inner bitch is dying to jump out at any idiot that says the wrong thing to me. Hopefully my mother is VERY careful while I'm feeling this way... just thinking about her makes me angry. Just thinking about how she made my life as hard as possible, ON PURPOSE makes me sick.
I guess I'm thinking about her because she actually had the nerve to talk bad about my cousin, and how she let her boy friend around her kids... when she did the same thing! She didn't care about us!!! She chose a man over us every time! EVERYTIME!!!
Do you know that once when her boyfriend was so drunk he couldn't hardly talk, he wanted a hug... instead of telling him no you're drunk, leave her alone- she MADE me hug him. I was crying and saying no, and she forced me. I was probably about 10. After I did it, she wouldn't take us home. So while she stayed there with her boyfriend, I took my 5 year old brother and walked 3 miles home. I probably took care of him and my other 2 brothers all night, maybe even days. That's how much she loved us. Yet today she said "I can't believe she let him around those kids for so long." and also "I shouldn't have kept him for so long either, but he was good around you kids..." WHAT THE FUCK?????
Ugh.... I better go before I start telling more childhood stories, I should start a blog just for that!!! I got a million of them...

I notice people all over facebook saying "fml." And I had to ask to see what that even meant. WELL, after I found out I had to laugh. They were saying FML because they had to work late, couldn't go party that night, or something stupid like that. Give me a break.
Well, that's how I feel right now FML. Some people will probably look at that and say "ah, she don't have it that bad, she needs to quit complaining." Just like I did when I saw it. But like I said, I'm just drained, and have no energy to try and think of the good. It's just to hard right now.

I got on the treadmill. I got on it early in the day and felt so great, of course that was before I found out my car won't start. You know what? I know that if I hadn't done it, I wouldn't now because I just feel so low. I know I wouldn't be able to talk myself into it, so I'm so glad I did it earlier.
Treadmill: 20 minutes/ .76 mile 5 minutes with the weights

I'll have to catch up on my blog roll tomorrow. This may not have passed yet, so Don't feel bad if I don't comment, just know I'm still here reading and wishing the best for you! Maybe it will make me feel better, you all inspire me and I love reading your blogs.
I hope you all have a nice rest of the weekend, I really do.
I know I won't feel like this forever. Thank God.

Weigh Day

And the scale says...

278.2

That's a loss of .6 pounds this week

I was hoping for at least a pound...

but I'm happy :)

As long as it's going down!

That makes my TOTAL loss:

41.8 pounds

I was on the treadmill 5 days this week

Making my Totals:

1 hour 24 minutes/ 3.23 miles

It's late and I'm pretty tired. I'm a little down on myself because I did really bad eating today. REALLY BAD....

why Why WHY? It seems every Friday, whether I've lost or gained, I end up eating badly... I don't know why I do that. I know I'll do better tomorrow though.

What I ate Today:

Lunch: Chimichanga, chips and cheese

Snack: 2 cookies

Snack: 1 bite sized snickers

Dinner: 2 pieces of lasagna, 2 pieces texas toast, about 10 oz pepsi

Snack: 1 cup ff skim milk, 2 cookies

Snack: 1 bit sized snickers

Total Water: 36 oz

Ugh. And they were large pieces of lasagna too. I WAY over ate, I am now full and feel like crap. Last time I made lasagna was the first time I ever stopped at 1 piece, EVER. I thought I would be able to do that tonight too... Honestly, after I had those first 2 cookies I kind of said- "today is ruined, so what the hell" and I KNOW better! That is why this time is so different, because I know not to throw away a whole day or week or month because of a bad choice... I don't know what got into me. UGH.

Tomorrow will be better, even though I finally gave in and got a bag of Halloween snickers, AND cookies... I also got apples and frozen veggies. I plan on doing really well this week...

I hope you all are doing good! I see a lot of you have joined that 100 challenge :) That's awesome! I'm not up to a challenge like that right now I don't think, but I'm going to challenge myself. I saw some of your goals where to only have 1 helping of food, THAT is a good one. I'm going to challenge myself to do that form NOW ON!!!! It's already a part of my plan... I just haven't been following that lately, and I NEED to!!!

Have a great weekend!

Catch up

Thank you again for all of your comments :)
I also have to thank 2 new followers! Anne h and Sheilah thank you so much for joining me in My Day :) It's been hectic lately, but it should calm down any day now hehe :)

I've only been gone a couple days, but I'm so used to blogging every day that it feels like for ever!!! I will try and keep this short and sweet :) Well, short and sour? LOL.

The Car
The place returned the new alternator that I didn't need and didn't charge me for it or all the labor. They found what was wrong in the engine. 2 things, I fixed the most important one for TWICE what the alternator was going to cost me. I have about $15 in the bank right now... But I have a car, things are much better now that I don't have to worry about that! Step Dad is still supposed to do the sway bar links, but like I said- everything in his own sweet time... but I'm broke so I have no other option.

Middle School
My baby survived his first week on middle school :) I think he likes it more than he thought he would, so far it's going great! It's a lot more walking than he's used too, he has 2 blisters. :( Even though he did the treadmill all summer, walking home (and to school Wednesday when car was in the shop) AND up and down stairs all day is a lot. He's on the 3rd floor, and has to walk up and down the stairs at least 5 times. He'll get used to it I know :)

Stress
I have been very stressed all week, and I have been exhausted. I've been getting up so early and staying up all day. Going to bed at midnight every night (which is good for me) except tonight. I try to read my blog roll, but at midnight I have to go to bed no matter what, so I don't ever get to all of it and haven't had time to do mine :(
 Ray had a few days off this week, and got a ride the others. So I didn't have to get up at 3:35am on top of it all which was nice. But that ends tonight. I'll be bringing him to work... which is better than not having a car! Over all I've tried to stay positive, that little break down I had really did help I guess.

Joy of Being a Woman Appointment
As I mentioned, the one good thing about this was that I would be weighed and have on record that I was loosing. Woo Hoo!!!! Woo Hoo???? NO?
It didn't go well at all. That was Wednesday and my sanity was already hanging by a thread if you remember. I waited 45 minutes to even get in a room!!! Then another 45 till the 'doctor' came in! I was there a total of 2 hours 15 minutes... everyone was new except the receptionist, and it seemed no one knew what they were doing! To make a long story short, I did not get the 'good job' I expected for loosing 41 pounds. The nurse kind of said good job, along with drilling me about not being obsessed and I don't have to be a size 2... uh... look at me- NEVER going to be a size 8 even, and I'm fine with that. BUT she said she was anorexic at one point and I know she really did mean well.
The doctor on the other hand... It was the first time meeting her and I don't like her at all. She didn't even look at the chart. She says "Well I know the main health problem you have is your weight. You need to start thinking about that. You may feel fine now but in a few years it is going to start taking a tole on your body. You have to see how much you eat every day and start burning those calories blah blah blah blah blah blah." I did everything short of rolling my eyes. I stopped looking at her, Mmmhmm ing along, and I know she just thought I didn't care. That's not the case, if she would have took a second to check the chart, she would have seen that I HAVE lost weight. That I AM trying. So I said "Look bitch. You see that chart right there??? Why don't you take the stick out of your ass and walk on over and take a look at it! I'm sure you can read, so go ahead and do that. That's what your paid for isn't it???"
Haha!!! Did you believe me??? Holy Crap, that would have been good huh??? If you know me, you know that if pushed that isn't far from realistic :) BUT I was covered in nothing but a big napkin and she had yet to invade my... lady parts lol. So no, I wasn't going to say all that. What I said after she stopped yapping is "Yeah, I know all that. I don't know if you looked at my chart, but I have been loosing. I've actually lost 41 pounds since the beginning of the year." Her response? Did I get an enthusiastic That's Great! NO, I got a piddly, couldn't care less "Well. That's a good start." What a bitch.
Sorry, that got long... but it completely ruined an already messed up day.

Eating
Me eating hasn't been good. I'll start off the day ok, then over eat for dinner (NOT follow my 'wait 10 minutes for another serving' rule.) It's been bad... After my doctor appointment I even ordered pizza :( yeah... I know. Not good. At All. I had 5 pieces :( I had some Pepsi 0 too. It had no calories, but it has also made me crave pop :( I want some so bad right now! I might have a tiny but of the Pepsi 0, and will try to stay away from the rest. I shouldn't have ever had any at all!!!!
I also had a piece of 410 calorie chocolate silk pie Wednesday and Thursday. Soooo goood, but definitly a once a year type thing.
I have come to the conclusion that I can NOT have Salsa con Queso in the house, because I can't stop eating it. SO we'll add that to the chex mix for not allowed in the house. Pizza? I need to just stay away from it!!!! I was doing so well, only having one or 2 slices. Now all summer I have had no self control... no more of that!
I just realized tonight that I have only lost 5 pounds ALL summer... Which is good if I tried and that's what I lost. I'd be fine with it. BUT it's because I fell off the wagon so many times. No matter, I'm back on it RIGHT NOW.

Tetanus
I went and had my cut (more like scrape) checked out today. It was withing 72 hours of it happening and they gave me a tetanus shot immediately. Even though it was urgent care/ walk in, I was in and out very quickly. The shot hurt a little lol. It's been 13 years since I had a shot. They put ointment and a bandage on my leg. Got a prescription to fill if it starts getting redder or looks infected. It DID look and feel fine... but now after they messed with it, it hurts and is very red. I'll wait and see. Anyway, I'm not going to die of tetanus so that's good :)

I think that about covers it.
I write everything I eat down on paper now, so I can remember. So I have it if you want to know exactly what I had. That was the worst of it though. I have had a little more veggies than usual, so that's good. I found that I really like stir fried veggies with a little soy sauce.

Even though I have been having a hard time, I stayed with the treadmill :) I'm so glad I did!!! Wednesday: 15 minutes/ .56 miles, Thursday: 15 minutes/ .55 miles, I managed to do more that .52 every day. Guaranteeing a increase in the total weekly miles :)
Today (Friday): 16 minutes/ .61 miles. 
Days in a row: 32 :)

Today was also my weigh in... coming right up!!!!

Ummm... Did you remember to cross your fingers???

Ahhh... I kid of course. You all help keep me going. It's not your fault the universe is caving in on me!

As I wrote yesterday, it was a beautiful day. The car was getting the new alternator, everything was good.
It didn't last long... I swear one thing after another just started going wrong. I won't go into all the crazy details of the stupid shit that happened during the day at home... just ONE THING AFTER ANOTHER.

The most important thing was that my son came home and had a good day!!! I was so happy! None of the other things mattered :)

Then I called about the car, it was almost done (3 hours late) and I went to get it. My Mom picked me up, when I went in they were still working on it. He told me a belt was bad and they JUST saw that, it would only be a little longer and $18 more. That's fine. I went and told my Mom to go, but ended up back in the truck just talking. Mostly about her and her appointments with her counselor and how she's doing better. It was nice. I'm glad she's making progress. She commented that it looks like I've been loosing, so I told her yes- I've lost 41 pounds :) "Tina REALLY! WOW, that's great!!!" she went on to say that that gives her hope that maybe she could loose weight and just being really nice and supportive. :) ( she weighs a little less them me i think, but she's got at least 5 inches on me)

Then the guy comes over, wants to show me something with the car. That's fine, I figured it was the other things wrong that I already know about. Nope, he shows me that it's still making the noise, and that the alternator wasn't the problem. He says "I wondered why you wanted an alternator in it... I didn't diagnose it, I just put it in cause they told me too" BULL SHIT!!! The guy had came in and said the bearings are bad in the alternator and that they could fix it. I said "Well yeah I wanted an alternator if that was the problem!" He explained that it's something in the motor and then said that he had thought it was the alternator also, but they would have to get in the motor to see what the real problem is, because even with the new alternator it was still making the noise. I told him my main concern right now is paying for an alternator I don't even need! It all ended up like this: He would take out the new alternator and send it back, he doesn't want to rip me off "We're not here to bend you over a post." were is exact words... yes, very tactful... and they would keep it and get in the motor and call me this morning and tell me what the problem is.
UUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, did I mention that when I got out of Mom's truck to go in the place- I cut the back of my leg on a bunch of rusted metal??? Yeah, just to top it all off I guess. Don't you get tetanus from that? I had a tetanus shot... hmmm... about 13 years go. I should be good right??? *dry laugh* I'll have to look it up online and see if I should go get a shot or what. I don't even know what tetanus is.... but with my luck you know I'll get it!

I tried to stay positive anyway. Once I got home to Ray and our son, it was better :) Ray was really pissed off, but after a while he was better too. I stayed positive, I got dinner ready, only had one serving. I did the treadmill. AND I forced myself to get off the computer and go to bed at midnight...

What I ate yesterday:
Breakfast: (244) coffee, 1 slice peanut butter toast, 1/2 an apple (48 grams)
Snack: (23) 1 Werther's
Lunch: (283) tuna sandwich (1 can tuna, 1 tbs miracle whip, hot pepper rings, 1/8 cup cheddar on NEW Arnold's whole wheat sandwich thins), 7 baby carrots, 1/2 tbs light ranch, water
Dinner: (640) 3 bites of peas, left over broccoli chicken Alfredo (about 1 cup and 3/4 cup of pasta), 1 slice of toast w a little country crock and parmesan, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: (205) 1 1/2 cup Special K Vanilla Almond w about 1/2 cup ff skim milk (cats got the rest)
Total Water: 42 oz
Total Calories: 1395
The calories have been pretty good. Low for me!
I found those Arnold's sandwich thins, I really like them. I was a little disappointed to see they were 100 calories, but that is 40 less than my 2 slices of bread. So it's good.

Yesterday's Treadmill: 15 minutes/ .55 mile
Total Days in a row: 29

Today the boy had to walk to school, since the car is still at the shop. He wasn't happy but he'll live. He left, Ray is still at work, I'm alone. I completely broke down. I'm glad he didn't come home, he would have found me with my head in my arms sobbing, like someone died. Completely broken.

Of course now that I've got all that out, I feel a little better. Not good really. Still down, but I know it's not the end of the world. Even without a car we will be ok. No one died, nothing horrible has happened, my problems are NOT the end of the world. Other people have it far worse... I know all this, and I tried so hard to stay positive, but I just can't today... maybe when Ray comes home I'll feel better. Of course when my son does I will.

Oh, on top of all that? I find out I have to report to jury duty October 1st. :(

AND I have my Joy of Being a Woman appointment today... UUUGGGHHHHH! The only good thing about that is I will get weighed... it's actually the first of a few goal dates I have. I wanted to loose as much as I could by the time I had to do this again. I've been at it a little over 8 months, have lost 41 pounds. Since the weight they have will be from last summer, I'm not sure what it is exactly... It won't be as big of a loss. But it will be a loss :) I just jumped on the scale to prepare myself for how I'm doing. I'm at 278.6 right now. My lowest I've seen so far, so that's cool. I wish I was in a better mood for the news, but it does help :) That's down .4 so far this week, and I already had 'breakfast.' All I have to do is be good and it will be a loss Friday for sure. I can do it!

I'm off to deal with the car, completely deplete my bank account I'm sure, and have my exam. Just a day full of fun.

A Good Day... So Far (cross your fingers please!)

I didn't blog last night. I had another horrible stressful day. Another day sitting at my mothers when I can't stand her at the moment. Another day of car stress and people pissing me off. Another day of waisting my time and getting NOTHING done with the car.
I figured you've been hearing me whine enough lately lol. We all have problems, and I know mine aren't the end of the world, and I'm going to try and just be positive. :)

Last night when I got home, everything was better of course. But still stressed and exhausted. My son was in bed at 9:30, I went out and got the last of the items he needed for school work, all was ready for this morning :) I also was in bed by midnight, awesome!

What I ate yesterday:
Breakfast: Coffee and an oatmeal cream pie
Lunch: 1 left over piece of lasagna, 1/2 cup ff skim milk
Dinner: 2 servings broccoli chicken Alfredo over penne noodles, 1 piece of garlic cheese toast, 1 cup ff skim milk
Total Water: 28 oz
We had Ray's mom over for dinner. It was nice :) His niece too. Talking and visiting and I got up and got another helping without even thinking! If I would have stuck to my new rule, and waited 10 minutes before getting a second helping- I KNOW I wouldn't have got it. I have to make sure to do that all the time. I'm sure it will be habit before to long :)

Treadmill 15 minutes/ .56 mile
Total days in a row on the treadmill: 28

This morning he started MIDDLE SCHOOL... how did he get so old???? I just can't believe it. I hope he had a good time!!! I can't wait for him to get home :)
After I dropped him off at school, we brought the car in. It's still at the shop, getting a new alternator. I'm just so glad it's getting done that I don't care they said it would be ready a hour and a half ago. I just want it done, and done right. It's costing us about $75 more than it would have if Step Dad would have done it, but having it done right and not waiting 2 more weeks for it is worth it to me. Now we need one more thing, the sway bar links. Step Dad says he can do it, but I know that means waiting till when ever he feels like it- when he's not busy doing nothing... but what can ya do. I can't afford to have that done right now, so I'll be waiting either way. Just wish me luck that nothing else goes wrong!!!!!

I think I have been doing a good job with my food today :) We were so busy that I will be doing the treadmill tonight as usual, but now that I will be getting up so early I really want to start doing it the morning.

I feel so much better today, and I think the weather has helped that too. It is so beautiful today! It's about 74, sunny and windy. A little to windy, but that makes it feel cooler... I really wish we had more days like this! Like EVERY day would be good hehe :)
I think we'll have to switch it up a bit, and I will post during the morning/afternoon about the day before. Instead of posting at night. I need to start going to bed at a decent hour now :) I think it will work out well. So see you tomorrow!!! I hope everyone had a great day, and holiday weekend. I hope all your kids enjoyed their first day of school, if they have started :)

My son will be home in about 20 minutes. I hope he liked it!!!! I hope the transition wasn't to hard... I hope he had a good day!!!

The Golden Rule... ever heard of it???

I try and live my life, treating others as I would want to be treated. It seems NO ONE around me has ever heard of this!
My family aren't the only ones, just the most frequent offenders. I swear i must be adopted.... uh. I won't go into details, just that no one ever sticks to what they say, or finds it important to put others feelings into consideration. And I'm tired of it. They are having a cookout today over at my brother's, he really wants me to go but I can't. I can't stand to me around my Mom and Step Dad right now... Sitting there yesterday for 7 hours didn't help... at all. Step Dad did end up replacing the brake pads. I do appreciate that, but that is the LEAST of my worries with the car. So I'm still waiting...
I feel so bad I can't go to the cookout, but I don't want my son there anyway. I am in a depressed mood, and I can't fake it today. I never do... but if I tried today I know it wouldn't work. So I would be no fun.

So I'm spending the day doing laundry. I just got used to the idea of going to the laundromat to dry my clothes, and I actually like it! It takes 40 minutes to dry 5 loads of laundry, instead of all day. It's pretty great...
But now? I don't have a dryer and am not supposed to be driving my car! So I will be hanging clothes all over the house I guess! Ugh.

YESTERDAY
My day yesterday was just... stupid. That's the only way to describe it. On top of everything else, it was about 60 degrees!!!! I was freezing my ass off all day!!! It was just in the 80s, I was in shorts and a shirt 2 days ago sweating, now I'm in pants FREEZING!!!

My step dad had said he would call me early in the morning so I could bring the car over and he would drive me home. That's fine... I guessed he wanted to look at it and make sure of everything that was wrong with it. I was going school shopping with mother in law later in the day. WELL, he didn't call me until 12:30, and it was time to go shopping. So I bring the car, and he doesn't want to keep it and look it over. He wants to go get parts now. So I tell MIL to just go with Ray and our son, I'll be home later. So they all went shopping, which is fine. She was getting his school clothes, shoes and back pack. I was SOOO relieved when she told us this. WELL, she got his shoes and 2 T Shirts... Don't get me wrong. I SO appreciate this. She didn't have to buy ANYTHING, and I know that. BUT I didn't take him school shopping because she was doing it all! Now he starts Tuesday, I don't have a car, and he still needs everything else! ugh...

THE CAR- feel free to skip this if you don't care about the Car Adventure lol
We needed to go get 2 parts, sway bar links I think. I say "You don't want to look at it and make sure I need them first?" He says No, because I do need them. So we go. Advanced Auto Parts #1 don't have them, but 2 other Advanced Auto parts do. One at each store. So the guy calls each store has them hold them for me. We go to store #2, and get it. We go to store # 3 and the guy doesn't have one on hold. He has the part, but it's $16 more than we just paid for it! I'm pissed and let the guy know it (because he had a horrible attitude), they should have had the part on hold for me!!! AND it should be $16 cheaper! So we leave, deciding Step Dad would look and make sure we need BOTH and not just one anyway. As we are leaving I realize we are leaving an Autozone... NOT the store we had been dealing with, Advanced Auto. I tell step dad, and instead of going down the road where the WOULD have my part, we go home to check it out. So store #3 has this part on hold for me, but we don't go get it... So he checks out the car, and says I need brake pads... but bad news. You know the part we went all over for? The sway bar links? Those are fine and we DON'T need them. So, we go back to Store number 2 and return the part, and get brake pads instead. We go home. He installs the brake pads, when he's done, tells me we DO need the sway bar links.....the one we just returned, and that is on hold for me because 2 stores only have 1 each... instead of going to get them, he wants to do it tomorrow (today). Uh... Ok. Fine...
This all took 7 hours. I didn't eat or drink anything this whole time... I am so stressed out it ain't even funny. SO I drive the car back home. Even though it's grinding and really loud, that's not the main problem. Through all of this, the main problem is the alternator. It is going to go out anytime. The noise it's making gets worse every time I get in it... I am not supposed to be driving it. I don't want it to brake down. But he wants to get a used one on Tuesday, instead of me paying $180 for a new one... I'm all for saving money if it won't die on me... so whatever...

So by last night, I was pretty tired. I read about half my blog roll and had to go to bed...

Today, they are having a cookout and Step Dad isn't even THINKING of going to get these parts... which is ok. I understand he's busy... but when I left last night, we were getting them today. that was the plan....
So now I don't really know what's going to happen. I just know I couldn't sit over there again today and be happy when I'm so stressed out... not to mention.... I am not supposed to be driving the car! ugh...

What I ate yesterday:
Breakfast@ 10:30am: (144?) iced coffee and 1 chocolate chip cookie
Snack @ 7:15pm: (152) 10 tortilla chips, 2 tbs salsa con queso, water
Bites while making dinner: (150?)
Dinner @ 8:30pm: (about 750) 1 piece of 3 cheese tomato lasagna, 1 piece of garlic toast, milk
Total Water: 25 oz
Total Calories: about 1196
I didn't plan on going all day without eating like that. I was starving, but I took my time eating dinner. I was going to get a second plate but thought- I do NOT need another plate. Especially with the chips and bites while cooking, even though I think I am hungry I am not. So I told myself I would wait 10 minutes and if I still wanted it I would have it. AND I didn't :) I think I will do that from now on. Before getting a second helping, wait 10 minutes. I think this is the first time I have ever only had ONE piece of lasagna lol.

Everything was better once I got home. I got on the treadmill too
15 minutes/ .58 mile
Total Days in a row: 26 :)

Be back later with a post for today. I'll keep it short though lol. Just my eating and treadmill, since you already know the rest of my F'd up day! LOL :) Hope you all have a good one!

Weigh Day

And the scale says...

279

Exactly the same.

I can't be mad about that, I'm glad I didn't gain.

This keeps me at 41 pounds lost.

I got on the treadmill everyday,

making my Totals:

1 hour 40 minutes/ 3.65 miles

I didn't go farther than last weeks on the treadmill, actually did less. But from now on, I want to increase each week, even if only a little bit. I've figured that to tie 3.65 miles I will have to do .52 miles everyday. So to pass it, I will make sure I do a little more than that. Easy Peasy :) Well, doable anyway! haha :)

I have been an emotional wreck today. I think it's Treat Tina Like Shit Week. And Everyone is celebrating it!!! Why didn't anyone tell me??? I could have prepared! You know, got a new outfit... SOMETHING! Ah... I kid. I can now because I am here, read comments, and have read other's posts, and feel much better :)

On top of everything else, my Mom called to add her BS and stress me out (what's new right?). One thing I did get out of that though, step dad is finally going to start working on the car tomorrow... I love him, and appreciate anything he can do... but only go to him because I have no choice. He can't admit when he doesn't know something, so I am just hoping he really does this time... and he ALWAYS takes his sweet time. I told him I needed it by the time my son started school Tuesday, and he waited till today to even call me about it! It's been 6 days! So I doubt I'll have it in the next 4 :( He'll be walking to school... I just hope it doesn't take more than a week... Like I said, he takes his sweet time...

In the meantime, I will have no car- Ray needs to get to work at 4am... and it's so hard to ask you know? That's a pretty inconvenient time...

I have had a head ache almost all day. It got really bad earlier, but is better now. I'm not sure if it's stress... you know what I think it really is? I think it's because I didn't have any coffee today! I hope I don't have it still in the morning...

But anyway. No thinking of that, I'm in a good mood now remember??? ;)

Hmmm, that was short lived... lol. Here's what I ate Today:

Lunch: (351) 1/2 cup crab salad, 9 cracker pieces (2 and 1/4 large crackers), 5 baby carrots, water

Snack about 15 minutes before dinner: (180) Romain/grape tomato salad (w 1 1/2 tbs light ranch, 1/4 cup mozz, croutons)

Dinner: (706)  2 pigs in a blanket, 1/2 croissant, 10 tater tots, ketchup, mustard

Snack: (190) 1 cup Special K Vanilla Almond with ff skim milk

Snack: (180?) 3 cookies

Snack: (26) 5 special K crackers

Snack: (52) Nectarine- 118 grams

Total Water: 44 oz

Total Calories: 1685

Aye. defiantly could have been better.

I promised the kid we'd have pigs in a blanket (it's actually Hebrew National Kosher all beef franks, all natural no fillers ect. So not really pigs.... but 'Cows in a Blanket' just doesn't have the same ring lol)sometime this summer, and never did. So tonight was the night. I had that salad as I was waiting for it all to bake, thinking 'I'll just have one this way.' But I ended up having 2... don't know why. I don't even like them very much!

The cookies, I had 3 and not the whole bag, and I'm not craving them right now so that's good lol. (the ? is because they got out into a zip lock and the bag thrown out before I wrote the calories down) Up to late and snacking to much, but the snacks aren't too bad... right?

Today is the first time I had baby carrots without light ranch... yuck hehe :) but I forced them down anyway. I'm going back to ranch, but I'm going to really try to only have a little bit.

I had a nasty fruit! Go me!!! I am hoping the more I eat fruit, the more I will like it. I do like grapes, and pears. Have to get more of those next time.

Today's Treadmill: 15 minutes/ .54 mile

Total Days in a row: 25  :)

Thank you to all who have answered my 8 Questions :)

Have a great night everyone!

One of those Days...

I am having a really hard time staying positive today...
I do feel better now after reading your comments :) Right now is the best I've felt all day actually.
I woke up with a horrible head ache, and it just went away about 1/2 hour ago. I'm very tired though and am going to try to get to bed before 1:30... I'll have to catch up on blogs in the morning, which may be my new plan anyway... to check blogs in the morning and get to bed earlier (we'll see what happens lol)
Made the kid go to bed at 11:30, he wasn't happy about that... but school starts next week and we have to get ready. I'm starting to really stress about that. He's been pretty moody and I'm wondering if It's becaue he's nervous about middle school. Have to make sure my worries don't show, and stay positive!!!!

My eating was pretty bad :( I know, I said I would do well this week and so far I have just been getting worse everyday!
Iced coffee: w 2 tsp hazelnut coffeemate, 1 1/2 tsp sugar, 1/3 cup milk, 4 ice cubes
Lunch: Hungry Howies- less than 1/2 turkey club sub, 3 small slices pizza, 3 small cheese sticks, Water
Snack: 1 Pear
Dinner: Romaine and Spinach Salad (w hot pepper rings, 1 1/2 tbs light ranch, croutons, shredded cheese) 1 cheese stick, Water
Snack: 2 bowls sugary cereal
Total Water: 42oz
No excuses. I did horrible. On top of the lunch, I am full. I hate feeling full now :(
I need to get to the grocery store, I know Ray's Mom will take me. Maybe tomorrow... Still, there were plenty of other options in the house. I tried to do well the rest of the day since lunch was so bad... then ruined it with cereal. You know I love cereal and am not going to stop eating it at this point, but NO WAY did I need 2 bowls. I am now full and feel like crap.

That Iced coffee is the best I've had yet, had a little more coffee then usual in it too. I'm not going to add milk everyday though. It came to 110 calories, I'm going to try to bring that number back down some. I'll just have it like that once in a while ;)

A good thing about today, I did get on the treadmill. I really didn't want to... but how could I ruin my streak? I would have to start all over! I can't do that!!!! Not to mention those of you who cheer for me as that number goes up!!!! That's the main reason I can't stop doing it :)
Treadmill: 15 minutes/ .50 mile
Total Days in a Row: 21

Today sucked. I know it, you know it.
I really want to wake up positive, and have a great day tomorrow :) I can do it! I hope you all have a good night, and also have a great day tomorrow!

Dear Mother,

I know you aren't normal

(Oh how I wish)

but that is no excuse

for being so selfish.

I know you're depressed

maybe 'bipolar' even

but I'm telling you,

That is not a good reason.

That's not an out

for being a shitty mother.

But you don't care,

not one way or the other.

All you care about is yourself,

the well being of no one

The saddest part:

not even your own grandson

But that's how it's always been,

No use explaining what I do.

You'll never get how I put my son first,

The only 'first' in your life is you.



~Tina

I've Been Better

Hi. I've only missed one day, but it seems like longer to me. I really don't know what happened. I just started feeling really down. No reason. Well, now that I look at it, maybe just a sinking feeling because I knew something was coming??? Maybe I'm psychic.
So anyway, I felt down. I didn't write yesterday, Then today I felt worse. Then my Mother called tonight, and made it 10 times worse. Then she hung up on me, making it 20 times worse. Bitch.

My Mother thinks she is the only one in the world that gets depressed. She also thinks it's an excuse to be a selfish bitch and not care about anyone but herself. Oh poor Mother... whatever. I think she forgot who she was talking to when she hung up on me. Well I called her back and let her have it. She really wants that kind of relationship with me? Hang up on each other??? What the fuck?????
SO after we are done fighting some more, I tell her "Fine. Call me back when you grow up." and hung up on her. Ha, maybe not the most mature thing to do... but if that's how she wants it. She called back, the machine picked up. She should have said I'm sorry, and I would have picked up. But of course not. I hear "SO THIS IS REALLY HOW YOU WANT TO..." And CLICK, because I picked up and hung it up. I'll talk to her when she's ready to apologize.
So yeah, I've been pretty upset. I was shaking when I hung up and really felt like I was going to throw up. My back hurts pretty bad. It sucks. I feel like shit. My period started yesterday. Yeah, I've been better.

I stayed up all night Friday night. Got hungry about 2:30am Sat. So this is what I ate between 2:30 and 4.
about 1/2 cup of cheese chicken rice
1 cup ice cream
16 oz water

What I ate yesterday:
Breakfast: iced coffee, Fiber One bar
Lunch: 1/2 slice of pizza, Romaine salad with light ranch, croutons, cheddar, water
Dinner: taco bell- 1 cheesy gordita crunch, nachos bell grande, water
Snack: 3 Werther's throughout the day
Snack: 1 cup ice cream
Snack: 12 sunchips (only because there were only 12 left... otherwise I probably would have ate the whole bag
Total Water: about 40 oz?

What I ate today:
Iced coffee
5 slices of pizza
1 1/2 cup ice cream
2 Werther's
Total Water: 48 oz
All I ate today was pizza and ice cream. 2 of my FAVORITE things. They were delicious, but did not make me feel better. AT ALL.
My iced coffee is pretty good. 2 tsp hazelnut coffee mate, 2 tsp sugar. It's better when I leave it out a while and mix it with ice instead of putting it in the fridge at all. (Thanks!) Makes it about 92 calories, better than 200 for sure.
(Stayed up all night again, got hungry around 4am. Had 2 slices of pizza. ugh)

To all the blogs I follow: Sorry if I'm not leaving as many comments as usual. I'm still reading though :) Maybe your glad... I tend to leave a LOT of comments sometimes...

I CAN say that even though my eating is crap, I really wanted some pepsi- but I didn't have any. AND I have been staying on the treadmill.
Yesterday's Treadmill: 15 minutes/ .50 mile
Today's Treadmill: 15 minutes/ .55 mile
Total Days in a Row on the Treadmill: 13

Oh, here's some more good news. Some of you may remember how I was worried about how my brothers would take some news about me not going over there anymore. And how relieved I was that they seem fine and we're all cool. Well that's because she didn't tell them. So yeah, they are cool with it because they don't know about it yet. Ugh.

I may feel horrible right now. But I know it could always be worse, and this to shall pass. Hopefully sooner than later.

Can we pretend I didn't eat anything today?

I don't know what happened. I did horrible today with my eating. All those things I listed yesterday? Completely out the window. I feel like crap. I'm not even going to write what all I ate. Just that I over ate big time for dinner, and just ate to much through out the day. Also had 2 iced coffees... I bet I came close to 3000 calories...

Even though I am full and it's late, I did jump on the treadmill. I did so bad with the food, I didn't want to ruin my little streak too!!!
Treadmill: 15 minutes/ .54 miles (5 minutes with 2 Lb weights)
Consecutive days: 5

Tomorrow I will do better. I know that if I don't do good this week, I will gain and see those 280s again. I really don't want to. Those rules I wrote yesterday? I'm going to come look at them again first thing in the morning, and follow them!
Hope you all had a better day!!! And have a good night :)

OK, I'm back. I am the first one to say: Always write down what you eat, no matter what. And I didn't do that yesterday... I think once we ordered the pizza I knew I wasn't, I thought 'I can take just ONE day off.' Mostly because I didn't want to report that I ordered pizza AGAIN... and that was a HUGE mistake... a mistake to order it, but a bigger mistake not to write it... maybe if I stuck to my own rule I would have only ate 2, maybe 3 slices.... so anyway, here it is... WARNING: not for sensitive viewers, you may want to take you children out of the room for the following broadcast...
What I ate yesterday (Saturday)
Snack 4:30am: large bowl of Frosted Wheat Puffs Cereal w ff skim milk
Lunch: Tuna Sandwich with 5 baby carrots, 1 1/2 tbs light ranch
Snack (more like second lunch): leftovers- 3.2 oz chicken and 1 cup red beans and rice, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: bowl of Frosted Wheat Puff Cereal w ff skim milk
Snack: 1 Werther's
Drink: iced coffee
Snack: Werther's
Dinner: Ordered Papa John's- 3 large slices of Fire.. something Pizza (jalapenos, sausage, pepperoni, extra cheese) 2 large slices of pepperoni pizza, Water
Drink: 2/3 bottle iced coffee
Snack: 1 Werther's
Total Water: 69 oz
Total Calories: A LOT
Phew! Glad that's over with!
K, On to today- which will be MUCH better!

Sunday's Menu

My day turned from very good to very bad. I'm very depressed, as some of you may know. But that's no excuse. I still planned on doing the treadmill, but after blogging it got to late. Can't wake up my sleeping son. Will try very hard to do it tomorrow. I'm still up, so might as well tell you what I ate.

What I ate today (Sunday)
Drink: 1/3 iced coffee
Lunch: 1/2 cup pasta, 1 cup chicken broccoli alfredo, 1 slice of buttered whole what toast, water
Snack: 20 grapes
Dinner @Mom's: 1 soft taco, 1 hard taco, 1 medium bowl taco salad, water (even though I was offered delicious pop multiple times)
Snack: mini fudge round
Snack @3:30am: mini fudge round
Total Water: about 50 oz

It's 6am. Gonna try and go to bed till I go get Ray (anywhere between 8 and 12) Goodnight, or good morning. I Hope you all have a nice day.

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

This is all family drama, and me being pissed off. It's long and rambling. Nothing about food or weight. You can skip it if you want...

Maybe it's extra stress. Maybe it's because my feelings were already hurt because I believe Ray doesn't want to be seen with me. I don't know, but I am just sooo.... DONE. I'm just done right now. Done with waiting for my Mom to act like a responsible grandparent, done waiting for her and my brothers to care about how I'm trying to bring up my son. Just done.

I've told you I am the ONLY ONE in my family that doesn't smoke weed. And I mean that. They ALL smoke weed daily. Whatever. I don't smoke it at all, but if you do- it's your choice. My brother is grown, no kids, and he can smoke as much weed as he wants! It's his trailer, so whatever. My Mom can too. She can keep lying to herself and keep saying it makes her better. Fine. BUT I do NOT see why they have to do it while my son is there. But they do. They go in the bedroom and all get high, Ray included. FINE, stay in there so the smoke don't come out into the trailer, and expose our son to it.
As you know, my son is not allowed to spend the night there anymore. I figure we can go during the day and there is more of a chance my Mom will be able to go without getting high, and we can leave and it will all be fine. We don't go very often. Just when SHE invites us... we have NEVER EVER just popped in. So it's not like we surprise them.

Last weekend we were over there for my youngest brothers bday cookout. I walked out of the trailer onto the enclosed porch and thought they were smoking weed right there. I was pissed off. I went outside and told my Mom that common sense tells them people are opening that door all day, the smoke is going into where her grandson is sitting! It's the only entrance anyone uses! Including my son! I even told her " I hope you don't wonder why he can't spend the night anymore."
So anyway, I was pissed. The thing I was MOST pissed about was that Ray was doing that right there. SO when he came out I started in on him. It turns out they weren't smoking out there, just braking it up and getting ready. I told him how mad I was because I THOUGHT he was right there doing that. And I said to him "I mean, I know no one else around here respects anything I say- but I was so mad to see that you didn't either." but I let it go, because they hadn't done it right there. And it there were more people than normal... and that's how they do.

That was ONE week ago.

Today I walked out and could smell it. I shut the door and went outside. I was so pissed. My Mom came out, but went back in to take a few hits. She came out again and I said "What if my son wanted to come outside?" "Oh... I don't know." I just sat there... dazed. THEY invited us over for dinner. They know how I feel about it, and we are hardly EVER there!
So I sat there, getting more pissed off by the second. She went in to watch something and I didn't say anything to her. Jeff had come out and was sitting, and I think knew I was mad (he actually doesn't smoke while my son is there). Ray came out and I said "I wasn't imagining things this time right?" no. "and you were doing it too right?" yes. "If it's cleared out enough in there for him to walk through now, it's time to go." He went in to get our son, I was about to cry so I didn't wait. I didn't go in and say bye. I told Jeff goodbye and went and got in the car.

I don't cry in front of people. I especially don't want to cry in front of my son. I'm driving, and can't wait to drop them off. I decided I could wait and cry after they got out of the car. But the tears came. When Ray noticed, He said my name. I ignored him. He said it again and I said very slowly "I know that no one else there respects me, or how I am trying to raise my son. But- YOU- should." Exactly what I had told him ONE WEEK ago! After a while he said "I'm sorry, I just wasn't thinking."

I dropped them off and left. He said "I love you" as I was asking if he had his key. I didn't say it back. It's the first time EVER.
I had hardly no gas and no money on me or I would have drove around longer. I cried a little, thought a lot. I keep trying to decide if I'm over reacting... maybe I am? Maybe I'm under to much stress and am just to sensitive??? Am I making a mistake in being so mad???
I don't know. All I know is that I am so hurt right now. I would do anything for my family, and it has never been the same way the other way around. (My youngest brother wasn't there, and I do think he respects my feelings a little more) I just don't understand. If it were my nephew, I wouldn't dream of exposing him to anything, weed smoke, cigarette smoke, NOTHING. But they don't think like that. Even though they KNOW how I feel, they don't care. Especially my Mom. She makes me sick. She messed up so bad with us, and she had chance after chance after chance to be a good gramma.
You know what? About 6 years ago, 30 minutes after my son left there, her house got raided because she was letting my middle brother sell drugs from her basement. They had told me he quit because I was upset about my son being there with that. WELL, I got home from my job and her house was surrounded by cops and swat, the whole neighbor hood was there of course. The guns, the dogs, And all I could think is, my son was JUST here. What if they would have taken him??? Oh My God. What if they didn't believe I didn't know about it and kept him? Oh My God, Oh My God.
I had to go downtown and bail my youngest brother out of jail that night. During the next week I had a nervous breakdown or some shit. I got put on prozac, took 2 weeks off of work. And for a few YEARS wondered "What if" and what would i do if I lost my baby???
After all that? I STILL gave her another chance!!!!!!! Well lately, I have been thinking about that all the time.
Chance after chance after chance. I'm done. I'm done trying. I've waited for almost 12 years now for them to respect how I am raising my son. It's NOT going to happen. Fuck 'em.

But the main reason I am so upset is Ray. He KNEW how upset I was when I THOUGHT he had smoked weed right there in front of the door, and went and did it anyway!!!! I don't know what to think! Maybe he didn't want to say anything because it was my brother and 2 friends? I don't care WHO it was! He's older than all of them! He's not a kid, he doesn't have to impress anyone. He has a FAMILY. A son to think about.
And what about me? This is how much he respects MY feelings???? I feel so let down... I feel almost... defeated. Like I'm just fighting this uphill battle to raise my son right, and I'm doing it all alone. The neighborhood is against me, my grandmother has disowned me, my Mom and them couldn't care less. And now Ray. The one other person that is supposed to care the most.

AM I over reacting? Do I sound completely insane??????? Why am I here crying over this... don't I have enough problems? I don't know. I don't know how I should feel and what I should do.
I just know how I DO feel, and that is completely let down and alone.