Honestly, I don't :(
I really felt GREAT, especially after meeting that goal last week! I felt like I was motivated as much as I was back in January. For the first time in a LONG time.
The weekend wasn't great, but it didn't ruin my mood or my determination.
Monday morning I started off with more BBQ chips. I realized, there weren't many left at all. I finished them. Meaning, I had eaten the WHOLE bag by myself over 3 days. I said to myself: What the hell are you doing?!?! And I did GREAT the rest of the day. I stuck to the plan, did housework, ate a sandwich for lunch on the 'sandwich thins' with baby carrots. Did the treadmill at 1pm which worked out so well! I stayed on it a little longer: 30 minutes/ 1.18 miles, Incline 1 with 2 ob weights for 5 minutes and I felt so good. I really love having it done and out of the way too! I only had ONE cookie. I did good with dinner, eating only one portion. And I snacked on measured out almonds. I got in 51 oz of water! The day was great.
Then... I don't know what happened.
It was 10:30pm, and Ray was hungry... we... ordered pizza. I know I have a pizza problem, but we haven't ordered it in the middle of the night for a snack since before I started this Jan 2010!!! (And even though it was his idea, if I would have said no- he wouldn't have. I was totally all for it.) Medium 12 inch. I had 5 pieces. FIVE. :( I found comfort in the fact they were small... but later? When I was done? I felt like SHIT. I couldn't believe I did that!!!!! 5 pieces of pizza in the middle of the night!?!?!?! OMG!!! I still can't believe I did that.
Today wasn't any better. I was depressed. I'm sure mostly because I had eaten the pizza.
Let me be clear: I didn't eat because I was depressed, I was in a GREAT mood Monday. Even when we ordered it! I honestly don't know why I did it! I sure wasn't hungry... ugh.
So today I was depressed. I went to bed after sending the boy off to school, and I didn't get up till 11:30. I snacked all day. Not a lot at a time, but all through the day. And again, when I wasn't really even hungry. I didn't have lunch, and had a small portion of chicken with red beans and rice for dinner. I didn't want food, because I felt really sick. I had snacked all day on almonds, a trail mix bar, cereal and sun chips... and now I feel sick. I don't get sick often. Hardly EVER. But today I got pains in my stomach, that really hurt. That turned into a sick feeling. Without getting to graphic, I've spent a lot of the evening on the toilet.
That's what I get for filling my body with a bunch of crap.
I am so embarrassed.
I wasn't even going to write at all. I figured I'll come back when I'm feeling better and all will be well. BUT you know me. I would have felt guilty. On top of that, over at Jo's blog yesterday, she happened to ask: What is our responsibility, as bloggers, to our followers? I answered, that the only 'responsibility' I feel I have to my followers is to always be HONEST.
Well, I've always been and always will be. Even though I had a horrible couple days, I HAVE to share that, because it's part of my journey and I can't leave it out just because it sucks. Or because I am so ashamed of it. Which I am.
I'm still feeling depressed, now along with sick to my stomach. BUT I don't want to snack anymore. I don't want to eat ANYTHING. I can't change what I did the last 2 days, but I can do better tomorrow.
I REALLY was feeling so great and so motivated. I just want that back. I'm going to get up tomorrow and do my best. No matter my mood, I won't eat like I did today. I won't eat unless I'm hungry, no mindless snacking. I hope I don't feel sick tomorrow, but if I do it's my own fault!
I did weigh myself for my weight loss tracker, and it wasn't pretty.
I also got on the treadmill during The Biggest Looser. Ugh, I didn't want to. I put it off till the last 15 minutes of the show. My heart wasn't in it and I hated it the whole time. But I did it.
20 minutes/ .77 mile, Incline 1
I think I'm done with The Biggest Looser. I've watched since the beginning, except for one season. But I am having issues with this season, big time. It's not inspiring me this time, but only pissing me off. Which is crazy, I never would have thought I'd stop watching.
Anyway. Thanks for hanging in there with me.
I hope you all are doing well. Better than me at least!
pete bday day
11 hours ago
Sounds like self-sabotage to me. You've had some recent success, reached a goal, and now subconsciously you're taking your foot off the gas. I used to do the same. I would work hard all week then ruin it on the weekend.
ReplyDeleteIt takes a lot of effort to make even a tiny bit of progress, and when we do, in the back of our minds we think we've "earned" a break or that it doesn't matter because "I know I can lose it and I'm on top of things". Truth is, we can undo a whole week's worth of effort in SECONDS.
I sometimes worry that this is something we will always be fighting. It's like treading water; if we stop, we go under :(
One thing I would suggest is to really focus on how bad you're physically feeling as well as the guilt. Don't dismiss it or forget about it, use it to help you avoid a similar situation. It's your decision whether or not you feel like this again.
A new day, a new start. You reached your goal because you were focused and determined, so I know you can get back on track and nail this! I have total faith in ya Tina :)
Sometimes I test out my new "so-called" skillz and think I can handle "just one." For me, it's cashews. Now I now I can't even bring them in the house..... no wait! I don't even go down the aisle in the store. Until I possess true control.... if ever!
ReplyDeleteHang in there.....you were honest, you posted about it, you have recognized the feelings and it's time to move on from there with the lessons you have learned. One of the (millions) of programs I have tried said not to beat yourself up about a slip up- recognize it, work through the feelings and jump back on the bandwagon. Hugs...
ReplyDeleteHi Babe, if you look carefully at my blog, I have linked to your blog under my Faves. I re-named it "My Day - the story of a Very Brave Lady". Because to me, that is what you are. I love it that you are brave enough to undertake this very difficult weight loss journey. And brave enough to share it with us. Hop back on your treadmill. Fill up on more salads and veges with oil-free dressing. Keep up the great water intake. Dont let Ray or anyone talk you into pizza. It just isnt fair on you, to have it in the house! (I love pizza and must stay right away from it). Hugs, xxxooo
ReplyDeleteMark, that makes sense. I really don't feel like I'm sabotaging myself on purpose... but it makes so much sense, that maybe I am subconsciously?
ReplyDeleteI think after Friday weigh Ins I feel relieved, and then kind of have that "I have all week" mentality. I really think weighing in every day has been helping with that... I just lost control this time I guess!
You're totally right about this.
Just another thing I have to work on. I know I'll get it, I have faith in me too :) Thank you so much Mark!!! :)
anne h, I know you're right about just not having it anywhere near by. I guess I'm just not as in control as I thought! My goal is to get to where I can have JUST ONE, and I was doing so well with that in the beginning... but I am NOT there now.
ReplyDeleteThanks anne!!
Thanks colenic. I'm glad I posted it, I would have got up in the middle of the night and done it probably LOL. Out of guilt :)
I do feel a lot better and it's now behind me!
Aww Michaela, You are sooo sweet! I sure don't feel brave! Thank you so very much!! :)
Yeah, I can't blame Ray though. He didn't have to talk me into it at all lol. I was all for it. I'm just going to have to put my foot down next time. I'll have to FAKE IT, and pretend I don't even want it!