First Day Back

Well, today went ok.
I started off with lunch at my son's favorite place (an Asian buffet) and thought 'man, I shouldn't even go.' But we had it planned for a while now, since he had today off of school and we haven't been doing ANYTHING.
It was good, I did OK- could have done better for sure. But I did better than I have been doing for the last week! Compared to that, today went very well.

I don't know what happened... I've been under stress (which maybe I'll vent about in a separate post) but that's no excuse...
Halloween- I had to much candy, but was feeling fine. I did well calorie wise as I hadn't ate anything else until dinner! The next day was going to be better, but I ate even MORE candy... everyday I got up with good intentions, and then ruined it... THAT is the difference. Since I started this in January, I never just said "oh well, I ruined it- start again tomorrow." I mean sure, at the end of the day when I sat down and looked at the day, I would say "tomorrow is another day." But I never just gave up and threw the whole day away because of a mistake.
After my Friday weigh in came around on the 5th, I pretty much completely stopped trying. Then on Tuesday I realized I could do my blog from the PS3, I decided to knock it off and get back at it. I did the treadmill that day, and was ready to go! But I got up the next day, said fuck it, and just ate what I wanted, when I wanted for the next 3 days. I did horrible all this time, but the last few days were the worst. I even decided 'Oh well, I already ruined it. I'll start again Friday after my weigh in." And that's what I did. That's why I'm in this situation... because of that start date mentality. Pick a date, pick tomorrow, whatever- and then eat whatever I want and pig out until that date... I used to ALWAYS do that. My whole life. But since I started my journey on January 1st, I NEVER did that and promised I would NEVER do that again. But I did. And here we are.

I feel like I'm starting all over. I did things that I used to do... I mean I was as bad as I have ever been! I ate to much, I ate when I wasn't hungry, I did just about everything I used to. It's the first time I can't say "Even though it looks bad, It's better than I used to be." Because it's BAD, just as bad as it used to be.
The only thing that is different from before 2010, is that I did drink water everyday. But only about 10 oz. I didn't have pop except for the last 2 days, a 12 oz glass one day and an 8 oz glass the next. Oh, and wheat bread instead of white. But that's it. Everything else was those old bad habits... they came back SO EASY AND SO FAST!!!!

At this rate, I would gain ALL of my weight back in 8 more weeks. 11 months worth of work can be gone in 10 weeks.... That is so scary. It is so scary that I have gained 8.2 pounds back. In only 2 weeks. Holy Crap.

I have to make sure this doesn't happen. And even though I'm determined now, tomorrow I might wake up and feel totally different. I have had a really bad time with being depressed, mostly I have been having CRAZY bad mood swings. I HAVE to make sure I stick to this no matter how bad my mood swings are. I really thing blogging is going to help though. Maybe if I would have had my computer the mood swings wouldn't have beens so bad, maybe I wouldn't have gone so far off track... maybe not at all!
Or maybe I would have gained anyway... would have ranted and wrote through my moods and you would all think I am completely insane!!!! (if you don't already lol) I really do think it's the first one though :)

SO, here's the plan.
BLOG EVERY DAY even before I lost the computer, I hadn't been blogging everyday. I think I was on a slow down hill slope... loosing the computer just gave me an extra shove off the track.
WEIGH IN EVERYDAY ON MY WEIGHT LOSS TRACKER
NO POP
LOTS OF WATER
EAT SMALL PORTIONS
EAT ONLY WHEN HUNGRY
AT LEAST 5 MILES OF TREADMILL PER WEEK (1 MILE PER DAY AT LEAST 5 DAYS) That is my goal, but I have such a hard time staying on the plan when I have days off... I might have to do it everyday.
CRUNCHES: no set amount but at least a few times per week. every other day if possible

So there we go. If I stick to that, I think I will be able to loose the weight and reach my 50 pound goal on New Years Eve.

It will be hard, but I can do it.

My biggest challenges will be: my sweet tooth that I have since Halloween (especially with my coffee). Being really hungry because of how I have stretched my stomach back out! My craving for Peanut Butter toast... I don't know what is up with that. I just want it all the time (like when I was pregnant) But I will be careful, and I can get over these hurdles :) And no, I'm not pregnant!

Ok, so here's the run down of my first day back:

Coffee: 105
3 tbs hazel nut liquid creamer
Lunch: 1200?
2 1/2 plates of various yumminess, water
Iced coffee: 140
Large glass with ice and 4 tbs hazelnut liquid creamer
Dinner: 210
1 cup Campbell's Chunky Soup- Vegetable Beef with white and wild rice, lean meat. 1 slice whole wheat bread. water
Snack: 190
Honey Peanut butter/1/2 tbs country crock whole wheat toast. water
Total Water: 37 oz
Total Calories: 1845? (645 plus lunch)

Treadmill: 26 minutes/ 1 mile. Incline 2. 2LB weights for 9 minutes
I was sweating like crazy! But I can do it, and I WILL! :)

I fell off the wagon. HARD.
I fell off, got trampled by a horse, rolled down the embankment, and landed in a mud puddle... But I got up. I'm muddy, but I can't concentrate on that... I can't let the mud, or anything that happens weigh me down... I have to climb back up to the road, and get back on that wagon and continue on my journey...
So here I go!

NEW!!!!!!! :)

Well, the first NEW, is a new follower!
I missed her last post, but now would like to say: Thank you Ioana Atichison for joining me in My Day!

The other NEW, is a NEW GOAL!
After I posted a while ago, I wasn't in the best mood... but now I am :) I got out my calendar and decided I am setting a goal. I want to be able to say I lost 50 pounds this year. Yep, the big FIVE-O. (secretly I would love to say I lost 60... but the way I've been going, I don't want to set myself up for disappointment)

SO, New Years Eve is exactly 10 weeks away from yesterday's weigh in. That means I have 10 weeks to loose 9.8 pounds. That's only .98 per week! I CAN DO THAT! I might be able to do even MORE than that!!!
So that is my goal. To say I lost 50 pounds in 2010. I went to my Weight Loss Tracker and set my new goal.
And even though the holidays are coming up, I am confident I can do it. I am actually excited about it! Woo Hoo!!!

Do any of you have a year end goal??? I would love to hear it :) We have 10 weeks left!

This is going to be the FIRST time EVER that I actually stuck to my New Year's Resolution lol :) It's going to be awesome!

Ummm... Did you remember to cross your fingers???

Ahhh... I kid of course. You all help keep me going. It's not your fault the universe is caving in on me!

As I wrote yesterday, it was a beautiful day. The car was getting the new alternator, everything was good.
It didn't last long... I swear one thing after another just started going wrong. I won't go into all the crazy details of the stupid shit that happened during the day at home... just ONE THING AFTER ANOTHER.

The most important thing was that my son came home and had a good day!!! I was so happy! None of the other things mattered :)

Then I called about the car, it was almost done (3 hours late) and I went to get it. My Mom picked me up, when I went in they were still working on it. He told me a belt was bad and they JUST saw that, it would only be a little longer and $18 more. That's fine. I went and told my Mom to go, but ended up back in the truck just talking. Mostly about her and her appointments with her counselor and how she's doing better. It was nice. I'm glad she's making progress. She commented that it looks like I've been loosing, so I told her yes- I've lost 41 pounds :) "Tina REALLY! WOW, that's great!!!" she went on to say that that gives her hope that maybe she could loose weight and just being really nice and supportive. :) ( she weighs a little less them me i think, but she's got at least 5 inches on me)

Then the guy comes over, wants to show me something with the car. That's fine, I figured it was the other things wrong that I already know about. Nope, he shows me that it's still making the noise, and that the alternator wasn't the problem. He says "I wondered why you wanted an alternator in it... I didn't diagnose it, I just put it in cause they told me too" BULL SHIT!!! The guy had came in and said the bearings are bad in the alternator and that they could fix it. I said "Well yeah I wanted an alternator if that was the problem!" He explained that it's something in the motor and then said that he had thought it was the alternator also, but they would have to get in the motor to see what the real problem is, because even with the new alternator it was still making the noise. I told him my main concern right now is paying for an alternator I don't even need! It all ended up like this: He would take out the new alternator and send it back, he doesn't want to rip me off "We're not here to bend you over a post." were is exact words... yes, very tactful... and they would keep it and get in the motor and call me this morning and tell me what the problem is.
UUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, did I mention that when I got out of Mom's truck to go in the place- I cut the back of my leg on a bunch of rusted metal??? Yeah, just to top it all off I guess. Don't you get tetanus from that? I had a tetanus shot... hmmm... about 13 years go. I should be good right??? *dry laugh* I'll have to look it up online and see if I should go get a shot or what. I don't even know what tetanus is.... but with my luck you know I'll get it!

I tried to stay positive anyway. Once I got home to Ray and our son, it was better :) Ray was really pissed off, but after a while he was better too. I stayed positive, I got dinner ready, only had one serving. I did the treadmill. AND I forced myself to get off the computer and go to bed at midnight...

What I ate yesterday:
Breakfast: (244) coffee, 1 slice peanut butter toast, 1/2 an apple (48 grams)
Snack: (23) 1 Werther's
Lunch: (283) tuna sandwich (1 can tuna, 1 tbs miracle whip, hot pepper rings, 1/8 cup cheddar on NEW Arnold's whole wheat sandwich thins), 7 baby carrots, 1/2 tbs light ranch, water
Dinner: (640) 3 bites of peas, left over broccoli chicken Alfredo (about 1 cup and 3/4 cup of pasta), 1 slice of toast w a little country crock and parmesan, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: (205) 1 1/2 cup Special K Vanilla Almond w about 1/2 cup ff skim milk (cats got the rest)
Total Water: 42 oz
Total Calories: 1395
The calories have been pretty good. Low for me!
I found those Arnold's sandwich thins, I really like them. I was a little disappointed to see they were 100 calories, but that is 40 less than my 2 slices of bread. So it's good.

Yesterday's Treadmill: 15 minutes/ .55 mile
Total Days in a row: 29

Today the boy had to walk to school, since the car is still at the shop. He wasn't happy but he'll live. He left, Ray is still at work, I'm alone. I completely broke down. I'm glad he didn't come home, he would have found me with my head in my arms sobbing, like someone died. Completely broken.

Of course now that I've got all that out, I feel a little better. Not good really. Still down, but I know it's not the end of the world. Even without a car we will be ok. No one died, nothing horrible has happened, my problems are NOT the end of the world. Other people have it far worse... I know all this, and I tried so hard to stay positive, but I just can't today... maybe when Ray comes home I'll feel better. Of course when my son does I will.

Oh, on top of all that? I find out I have to report to jury duty October 1st. :(

AND I have my Joy of Being a Woman appointment today... UUUGGGHHHHH! The only good thing about that is I will get weighed... it's actually the first of a few goal dates I have. I wanted to loose as much as I could by the time I had to do this again. I've been at it a little over 8 months, have lost 41 pounds. Since the weight they have will be from last summer, I'm not sure what it is exactly... It won't be as big of a loss. But it will be a loss :) I just jumped on the scale to prepare myself for how I'm doing. I'm at 278.6 right now. My lowest I've seen so far, so that's cool. I wish I was in a better mood for the news, but it does help :) That's down .4 so far this week, and I already had 'breakfast.' All I have to do is be good and it will be a loss Friday for sure. I can do it!

I'm off to deal with the car, completely deplete my bank account I'm sure, and have my exam. Just a day full of fun.