Thursday, September 30, 2010

A Slut... A PIZZA Slut that is!

Did that get your attention??? ;)
I just wanted to stop in and say Hi :)
I am SOOO tired so I'll keep this short... well shorter lol.
Have had a busy couple days. Baby sat Ray's neice tonight. She's almost 6, and it wore me out.

I drank and had fun last night. Just Ray and I, we took advantage of our son being off at camp :) So we were drunk, even though it was a Wednesday night lol :) It was a good time.
My eating hasn't been great. No excuses, especially for last night... I feel like a drunk... pizza slut!!!
Haha, let me explain:
You know those girls that get wasted, and have sex with people and pretend it was the alcohol? WELL alcohol (in most cases*) "lets" you do what you really want to do, what you feel you shouldn't do but deep down want too... (take Mel Gibson for example) so these girls are just doing what they want to! Blame it on the alcohol all you want honey, but your still just a slut :)
Well that was me last night. I knew I shouldn't order pizza, but I did it anyway. BUT I knew better, and now it's the next day and I could pretend to regret it, and blame it on drinking... but I won't. I gave into what I really wanted... and I'm admitting: I'm just a pizza slut. LOL :)
I hope that cracked you up like it did me. :)
I do regret eating more than 2 slices though. I need to stick to one, 2 at the MOST. I do regret spending the money! But what's done is done, now I just have to make sure it doesn't happen again anytime soon!!!

Weigh day is tomorrow, and I stepped on the scale today. I fully expect a gain for tomorrow. I'm hoping all the water I drank today and small portions will help keep that gain to a small number. It's ok, I did it to myself and will except the numbers. Then move on and do better!

My son gets home tomorrow afternoon. I hope he had a good time!!! I can't wait to see him!

I hope you all have a great night.  :)

*Please don't be offended, I'm talking from experience, and what I see on these "reality shows." I'm not talking about girls who get taken advantage of, or really can't control themselves their first time drinking, or things like that! I'm not dumb, I know there are very real cases where this happens. I'm talking about the majority of girls who use drinking as an excuse for thier behavior.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

My 5 Words

The 5 words I picked were for the award in my last post.
I wanted to elaborate on it, 
because I thought a lot before settling on one.

Yesterday's Gone, Live for Today
 This applies to my weight loss journey,
Because I have tried to think this way,
I no longer have 'start over' days, weeks or months.
That has helped me tremendously,
not throwing away a whole week because I messed up.

It applies to my life too...
I was going to say "Forget Yesterday, live for Today"
but I don't want to forget.
Yesterday is what made me who I am,
and if I forget, I will not be me....
and I will repeat the mistakes of my past.

Again, that goes with my weight loss and my life.

Of course I have days
where thinking of yesterday affects me,
gets me down...
But it's part of my life.
I can't change it,
but I can learn from it.

I think this will be a new motto for me,
of course I won't forget the one I've lived by since I can remember
"It Could Always be Worse"
but I like this new one :)

A Blog With Substance Award

Well, talk about a nice surprise :)

I have received a blog award!
Thank you so much Sheilah !!!

The rules of the award are:
Sum up your blogging philosophy,
motivation, and experience in 5 words.
Tell who gave the award,
and pass it on to 10 other blogs of substance.

It is so hard for me to pick 10 blogs,
but here are the ones I narrowed it down to:

These are all definitely blogs of substance!!!!

For my 5 word phrase,
I'm going with:
Yesterday's Gone, Live For Today

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Well That's Not Working...

Not blogging every day is NOT working. I think I NEED to come here and write what I eat... or else I eat to much! Just like a kid huh? If I have no one to answer to, I run umuck!!! A muck??? (I've never used that phrase before in my life lol)
No, it hasn't been THAT bad... but I have been snacking to much, and not the healthiest choices. I feel like I would have done better if I knew I had to come write it down...
Tomorrow I will try and get back into writing every day. It is really hard lately... I follow to many blogs, but I can't give any of them up!!!! What to do what to do....

Tomorrow my baby leaves for camp!!!!!
It is going to be so strange. He used to spend the night with his cousin once in a while, but not for over 2 years now since we don't talk to them anymore. Now that I don't let him go to my mom's, he is HERE all the time lol. Of course I don't mind, but I do wish he had at least one close friend like I did when I was growing up...
But back to the point lol. It is going to be so weird!!! So I'll be up early to make sure all is in order, step dad will come get him in the morning since I don't have a car and he has bags and stuff. Then he's off!!!
I hope he has fun. I'm sure he will. It's the same camp I went to when I was in 6th grade, I went to the same school he does. He should really like it :)

Nothing else new around here.
I've been taking naps during the day, sleeping till noon, so no breakfast. No coffee, probably why I have a head ache right now. I do sleep a lot more when I'm feeling depressed... I just realized that...
Got mad at Ray, but I know it's just me. Being overly sensitive in my time of depression. But for the most part everything has been good. Today while I napped, Ray did the dishes. How sweet is he? I love him so much. I haven't been keeping the house up very well, also something that happens when I start to get depressed... but now that he did that, I feel so guilty! I'm going to get back at it tomorrow for sure. I feel better and having the house clean will only help :)
Haven't heard from my cousin, so I have been trying not to think about all that.

Yesterday I used the incline on the treadmill for the first time. Why the first time you ask? WELL, when I first got the treadmill, I was 20 pounds OVER the weight limit. Having that incline made me afraid it was extra strain on the machine, so I never used it and just kind of forgot about it.
It's only on 1, but I can feel it! It goes up to 10, so that's a number I'll slowly work towards :)

Today I did my Biggest Looser walk while watching... btw, are you watching The Biggest Looser? I have a few issues with it this season...
But anyway,
Treadmill: 30 minutes/ 1.06 miles on incline 1   :)
I haven't gone that long in a while, just worked my way to 20 minutes a day. So it was a work out :)

Have a great night, see you tomorrow!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Better. Thank You :)

I actually came on to delete that last post. Something I've never done on my blog, but felt I should. The more I thought about it, the more I felt I should keep my pity party to myself, and just post when I feel better. BUT I can't do that with all the support that is there now, how could I delete that? :)

So I'll just let you know that I feel a lot better today. My eating was ok, minus the last 2 cookies. Ray made us breakfast which was nice. I may have over did it a little with that, having 2 eggs and 2 toast when I should have only had one. I did only have one sausage patty. Lunch was rice and stir fried veggies, it was very good.
I have yet to eat dinner or do the treadmill. But I WILL do the treadmill. Through everything yesterday, I was glad about that- and I want to be glad I did it today too.

I still feel like crap. I still feel depressed. But I don't feel angry, at all. I feel so much better today. When I wrote that, I thought it would take days maybe weeks to come out of the fog I was in. I am so thankful that I do feel better today.

Over at Colenic's blog, A Smile a Day, sometimes she has a list of the things that made her smile. I thought of that today, and it really did help me. So lets push all the bad aside, and here are some GOOD things.

My son is going to camp for the first time on Wednesday with school. I am excited, nervous, and counting the days with him :) My step dad stopped today and looked at the car, but mostly to bring him a nice duffel bag with wheels, from my brother to use. :)

The car sputtered Friday when I was done grocery shopping, but it started and got me home. So it is here in the parking lot, instead of at the grocery store with a bunch of food in the back seat!!! :)

I won a $125 Visa gift card from Happy Fun Pants review blog the other day! It will be here in 6 to 10 weeks. I might forget my then, and it will be a huge surprise all over again lol. :)

My cats seem to be better since we put more neck stuff on them, except the little one. I sprayed her with the last of the spray and I think it is working great. I'll just have to buy the spray and use it on all of them once a week till the problem is GONE. A pain but cheaper and worth the hassle :)

I watched the The Abyss episode of Blue Planet with my son today. He loves that stuff, and it really took my mind off everything. Have you ever seen footage of the deep sea abyss??? If not, you should. Truly creepy, but mostly amazing stuff :)

I am addicted to a few facebook games, which may be bad... but it takes my mind off things, I guess it's an escape? Sooo maybe this shouldn't be under the good things at all lol. BUT the cheery music and happy things make me smile :) It's better than turning to food.... or crack... right???? :)

My best friend had her baby :) Her first (and only according to her) and she is beautiful. She called and it was soooo nice to hear from her. . We keep in touch through the Internet, but we never talk on the phone. So that was nice. Even though we are broke, I'll have to find a way to send a little something :)
I'll do another post on this, and get you a picture soon :)

I forgot to mention I saw another old friend in the store about a week and a half ago. She gave me the hardest hug ever :) we only talked a few minutes, but it was really nice :)

I feel even better now that I wrote all this. I may take a little break from my blog so I can keep up with everyone else's, and sort some things out... I still feel pretty drained and a little sick and tired, but wanted to let you know I am better already :)

Thank you everyone for your kind comments. And even with no comments, thank you all who read and visit me in my day.
I started this blog thinking I might not have any followers (I'd hoped you would Tessa! lol) but now I just feel so much love and support. From all of you who have EVER left a comment. Thank you so much :)

Have a great week!!!

Suprise! Another Sh*t Day for Me... oh wait, that's nothing new.

My luck is back to being bad.

I'll take this time to warn you, this is not a fun post. AT ALL. I'm angry, sick and tired. There is language that may not be suitable for sensitive viewers. I won't blame you at all if you skip this one. It is not my usual self, the one that tries to stay positive and says "It could always be worse." It's that other girl, the one who usually stays away, the one that is sick of being shit on. My Life SUCKS is the main plot point, so please don't read if you don't think it would be good for you.
Believe me, I wish I could skip it!!!

The last few days I tried not to let stress get to me. I concentrated on the good and what I am thankful for. I really thought my luck was changing for the better. I really did. And through the chaos all around me, I was doing my very best to stay positive. I had just spent hundreds on my car, leaving $9.64 in my bank account, but at least my car works right???
WRONG. Now my car won't start at all. Not even with a jump.
As you may know, Ray's work shift starts at 4:00 am. No buses run at that time, and we HATE to ask anyone to bring him, but now we will have to.
It sucks.
I feel like shit.

The cats have fleas again... or still? Spent a bunch of $ on that crap too... and now it seems it didn't even work, we thought it did, but obviously not.
It's time to take some laundry to dry at the mat again, since my piece of shit dryer doesn't work... but my piece of shit car doesn't work.
Summers ending, so all the worthless piece of shit neighbors feel they have to go out and act as ignorant as possible day and night, before it's cold and they will have to be cooped up inside. Trying their best to prove who's more ghetto. Fucking morons.
There were gun shots twice this summer, VERY near my house. But I didn't see ONE drug raid... that's a first! It's been YEARS since there was a whole summer without at least 2 raids in our view. So maybe I should be thankful for that huh? It's most likely because they have cut law enforcement so much that the swat team just doesn't have the man power or the time anymore. But hey, lets spend $30,000 on a new statue down town, just to be spray painted and shit on anyway...
Ugh, I better stop now before I start writing things I'll regret later.

I know money isn't everything, but we are trying to save to get all this bankruptcy behind us. Then we would be able to move forward, and maybe get the hell out of here!!!! How the fuck is that supposed to happen when every time I turn around something else is going wrong!?!??

I know there are bigger problems than mine, but I'm tired. So tired of everything. I'm tired of everything always going wrong. No matter how positive I try to be, today I just don't have anything left. I am just drained.

I feel like shit. My eating today was shit. And when I was eating the shit? It made me feel better. Yeah, that's right, it did. Which makes me even more depressed, actually writing that makes me want to cry. BUT I'm to tired for that. I think I've cried more in the last couple months then in the year before that! What's up with that? I never used to cry, and it hasn't helped anything either. I'm now Getting to that point where I'm starting to feel numb. Never a good sign.

Everyone is pissing me off, (except Ray and my son) my inner bitch is dying to jump out at any idiot that says the wrong thing to me. Hopefully my mother is VERY careful while I'm feeling this way... just thinking about her makes me angry. Just thinking about how she made my life as hard as possible, ON PURPOSE makes me sick.
I guess I'm thinking about her because she actually had the nerve to talk bad about my cousin, and how she let her boy friend around her kids... when she did the same thing! She didn't care about us!!! She chose a man over us every time! EVERYTIME!!!
Do you know that once when her boyfriend was so drunk he couldn't hardly talk, he wanted a hug... instead of telling him no you're drunk, leave her alone- she MADE me hug him. I was crying and saying no, and she forced me. I was probably about 10. After I did it, she wouldn't take us home. So while she stayed there with her boyfriend, I took my 5 year old brother and walked 3 miles home. I probably took care of him and my other 2 brothers all night, maybe even days. That's how much she loved us. Yet today she said "I can't believe she let him around those kids for so long." and also "I shouldn't have kept him for so long either, but he was good around you kids..." WHAT THE FUCK?????
Ugh.... I better go before I start telling more childhood stories, I should start a blog just for that!!! I got a million of them...

I notice people all over facebook saying "fml." And I had to ask to see what that even meant. WELL, after I found out I had to laugh. They were saying FML because they had to work late, couldn't go party that night, or something stupid like that. Give me a break.
Well, that's how I feel right now FML. Some people will probably look at that and say "ah, she don't have it that bad, she needs to quit complaining." Just like I did when I saw it. But like I said, I'm just drained, and have no energy to try and think of the good. It's just to hard right now.

I got on the treadmill. I got on it early in the day and felt so great, of course that was before I found out my car won't start. You know what? I know that if I hadn't done it, I wouldn't now because I just feel so low. I know I wouldn't be able to talk myself into it, so I'm so glad I did it earlier.
Treadmill: 20 minutes/ .76 mile 5 minutes with the weights

I'll have to catch up on my blog roll tomorrow. This may not have passed yet, so Don't feel bad if I don't comment, just know I'm still here reading and wishing the best for you! Maybe it will make me feel better, you all inspire me and I love reading your blogs.
I hope you all have a nice rest of the weekend, I really do.
I know I won't feel like this forever. Thank God.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Weigh Day

And the scale says...
That's a loss of .6 pounds this week
I was hoping for at least a pound...
but I'm happy :)
As long as it's going down!
That makes my TOTAL loss:
41.8 pounds

I was on the treadmill 5 days this week
Making my Totals:
1 hour 24 minutes/ 3.23 miles

It's late and I'm pretty tired. I'm a little down on myself because I did really bad eating today. REALLY BAD....
why Why WHY? It seems every Friday, whether I've lost or gained, I end up eating badly... I don't know why I do that. I know I'll do better tomorrow though.

What I ate Today:
Lunch: Chimichanga, chips and cheese
Snack: 2 cookies
Snack: 1 bite sized snickers
Dinner: 2 pieces of lasagna, 2 pieces texas toast, about 10 oz pepsi
Snack: 1 cup ff skim milk, 2 cookies
Snack: 1 bit sized snickers
Total Water: 36 oz

Ugh. And they were large pieces of lasagna too. I WAY over ate, I am now full and feel like crap. Last time I made lasagna was the first time I ever stopped at 1 piece, EVER. I thought I would be able to do that tonight too... Honestly, after I had those first 2 cookies I kind of said- "today is ruined, so what the hell" and I KNOW better! That is why this time is so different, because I know not to throw away a whole day or week or month because of a bad choice... I don't know what got into me. UGH.

Tomorrow will be better, even though I finally gave in and got a bag of Halloween snickers, AND cookies... I also got apples and frozen veggies. I plan on doing really well this week...

I hope you all are doing good! I see a lot of you have joined that 100 challenge :) That's awesome! I'm not up to a challenge like that right now I don't think, but I'm going to challenge myself. I saw some of your goals where to only have 1 helping of food, THAT is a good one. I'm going to challenge myself to do that form NOW ON!!!! It's already a part of my plan... I just haven't been following that lately, and I NEED to!!!

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Worrying is Like... A Rocking Chair?

Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.
-Glenn Turner

I've been feeling pretty good the last couple days. I am really just trying to appreciate what I have and take everything day by day.

My cousin K had a visit from the prosecutor. Pictures were taken of where her daughter found the pills. K said she is being charged with child abuse/neglect. That was 2 days ago, and the kids are still there... so I don't know what's going to happen. CPS still has to make their surprise visit also... I'm trying not to think about it. It may sound bad, but I really just can't handle the stress of it all. Me worrying about it was REALLY getting to me, I just have to let go and hope that whatever is supposed to happen, happens. As much as I love my cousin, whatever's best for the girls is what's important.

My eating was a disaster yesterday. Well, just dinner and after I guess. I had chips and cheese deluxe and a wet tostada for dinner.The rest of the day consisted 1 Iced coffee, Migas for lunch. Snacks were 2 oatmeal creme pies (170 cal each), Special K bar, and 2 bowls of cereal. I didn't drink enough water, probably only 20 oz. I woke up feeling like Sh*t!!! My whole body hurt. I didn't STUFF myself, but just the unhealthy choices and not enough water really made my body feel horrible. I wonder if I used to feel like this every morning?!?!?!?! I didn't think so, but that's how I used to eat everyday, so I probably did!!!! I can't imagine getting up everyday feeling like that....

I did get on the treadmill for 20 minutes/ .78 mile :) 5 minutes with 2 lb weights

Today's eating was better:
Breakfast: 165
Coffee and a Mocha Special K bar
Lunch: 434
Tuna sandwich on whole wheat with 1 slice of pepper jack cheese and hot pepper rings, 1 whole carrot 62 grams, 1 tbs light ranch, Water
Snack: 23
Werther's Candy
Dinner: 495
1 1/2 cups of 3 cheese chicken Voila (frozen meal with broccoli, carrots, corn, pasta, chicken), 1 slice buttered toast, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 245
about 1 1/2 cup frosted puffed wheat cereal with ff skim milk
Total Water: about 30 oz
Total Calories: 1362
Have you ever had Voila? I love it, I've only tried the chicken kind, and the cheese one is the best tasting I think. I was wondering if it would be less calories if I made it myself... like mixed my own veggies chicken, pasta and found some kind of cheese sauce or flavoring... maybe even leave out the pasta. What would I use for cheese flavoring? Any ideas???
I bought regular carrots instead of baby ones. I really don't taste a difference... I think I like the baby ones better. I'll finish this bag and decide :)

Treadmill for today:
13 minutes/ .50 mile
The last 2 days I did it in the morning and it felt SO good. Mostly because it was out of the way lol. Tonight it was just a rush to get it over with and wishing I would have done it earlier! But I did it and that's what matters to me. Definitely have to do it in the mornings though, I like that SOO much better...
I have to admit, I was genuinely AFRAID to take a break from the treadmill. I thought that once I took a day off I wouldn't get back on it! (That's what happened back in April, I got heat stroke and couldn't do it, and never got back into the habit of doing everyday- until now!) But I took 2 days off, and I'm right back on it. I know I'll still get on it everyday. Once in a while I might take a day off, but it won't hurt me, and it will still be habit! I feel pretty good about it :)

I also got extra walking in today. I walked to get my mail (I usually just get it when I'm already out in the car going somewhere) it's about 200 feet away I would guess. I'm going to try and make that a habit too.
More walking in the store, my son and I went shopping in a store I'm not really used to so it was a lot of looking around lol. He spent most of his birthday Money. (he got a bday card/money from my grandmother, I'm pretty suprised, but we'll go into that another time)
We also got just about everything he needs for camp :) Now that that cookie dough is all sold, that part of the stress is over, and he has just about everything he needs :) Now it's counting down the days till he goes, which is SIX. (and then counting the hours until he gets back!!!)

Tomorrow is weigh in, and I should be afraid with how I have been eating and not drinking enough water. But my ring says I lost... My engagement ring is my new weight gauge, and it seems to work pretty well lol. It is VERY loose. Not falling off on it's own yet, but definitely loose! I haven't stepped on the scale at all this week... so I'm really hoping for a loss. Wish me Luck! (it has been good lately, I hope it is tomorrow!)

Have a great night everyone!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

My Luck has Changed (and Happy Fun Pants is Awesome! lol)

As you know, life has been a little stressful lately. BUT, it seemed like Sunday night, my luck changed, FOR THE BETTER!
We sold all the cookie dough needed to send the boy to school camp. YAY. Then I decided to check my email, and got a message from Happy Fun Pants- I have won $150 visa gift card from her review blog!!!! Whaaat!?!?!? ME??!?!?! I never win ANYTHING! That really picked me up lol. After writing about my cousin and the month I've had, that was just the greatest surprise! :)

I didn't really even do anything! Just left a comment of about 3 sentences, and that's it. Most of you have probably read her blog Smaller Fun Pants, and if not you should check it out. It's one of my favorites. (I'm not just saying that because I won lol, It really is one of the first blogs I started following, and I LOVE it) She is so honest about her struggles and her life, it just really inspires me.

Her review blog is fairly new, and I suggest you check that one out too! I mean, if I could win it with 3 sentences about setting my toaster on fire... anyone can LOL! So go to Reviews by Happy Fun Pants, you could win!!! AND it's always a fun read :)

Happy Fun Pants will not take any credit for my random win, but for real- if it weren't for her I wouldn't have visited and I wouldn't have won.
(also, thank you for "following" my blog!)

Wow, I wasn't planning on dedicating this post haha :) Maybe I should change the title...

In other news: There was a sever storm tonight, my brother and one of my cousins have no power. They are about 7 minutes away. There is a huge branch in my yard and someones chair on the side of my house.  Nothing broken, still have power, the bird feeder didn't even fly away! I really don't know how it didn't with the crazy wind!!!! SO I feel even more lucky! So I won't even mention that the stupid news cut into The Biggest Looser about 5 fricken times to let us know about the storm..... lol

I'm not going to lie, I have also been feeling pretty down these last few days... and I don't know why! I feel so lucky, and yet I feel like I'm getting depressed anyway.... But I really DO feel like my luck is changing :) And I know everything will be ok!

I made it to day 40 with the treadmill, and then I was SO tired Sunday night by the time I decided to do it... that I ended up deciding NOT to do it. The next day I was regretting it a little... but instead of starting all over in my counting the days, I'm going to stop. 40 days, and it's definitely habit, but you want to know something??? Keeping track of how far, and then trying to beat that number every week actually kept me from going farther... that probably makes NO sense. Here's the best way I can explain: I was thinking to far ahead, when I would figure out how far I would have to go each day to beat the last week, I wouldn't do more even though I could. You may remember I mentioned I haven't even been sweating the last few days. But if I go to much farther, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to top that the next week.... So anyway, I'm still going to keep track of what I do each day, but I'm not going to obsess about what number day I'm at, or beating it next week. I think this will make it easier for me to stay on it longer! K :) hope that made sense lol.

My food hasn't been to bad. I have been snacking more than I should. Maybe not the BEST choices, but my portions have been really good :) Yesterday I had a really bad head ache and didn't eat very much at all. I did have one can of pepsi though :( and I haven't been drinking nearly enough water, but I'll do better tomorrow.

Today I walked while watching The Biggest Looser
Treadmill: 20 minutes/ .75 mile 5 minutes with 2 LB weights
If you were here last season, you might remember that I always did my Biggest Looser Walks. This was back when I had got up to a mile per day, and would just stay on it as long as I could during the show. I got up to 3.20 miles the last time. Well, my plan is to do that again this season. If I'm going to sit and watch a 2 hour show, I might as well walk instead :)

I'll update you on the family drama, and how the stress is really weighing me down tomorrow :(
For now I just want to concentrate on how lucky I am, and how everything will all work out fine. Have a good night everyone!!!

Monday, September 20, 2010

It Could Always be Worse

(This post really has nothing to do with loosing weight or any of that)

I feel like the last month was one big test. To see how stressed out I could get without pulling all my hair out and jumping out the nearest window... but now I feel like I passed...
Oh, I still have stress of course. But some of it has been relieved :) And the rest? I know it isn't going anywhere anytime soon. I will have to just do my best to cope with it. And I will try and remember these words that bring me comfort:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Also, I have to remember that it could ALWAYS be worse. I feel that today for sure...

My Mom and Step Dad are living with my little brother, they are struggling and I know they can't afford it, yet they came over today and gave me $20. They said for the cookies OR just towards the price if I wasn't able to sell them and had to pay... that was so nice of them. My middle brother came and also spent $20 on cookies on top of giving my son money for his birthday. He may be better off money wise, but he still didn't have to do that. He doens't even have an oven hooked up right now lol! My youngest brother was going to spend $20, but we had all we needed by the time he got out of work. My family really came through for us today. It was really such a surprise... it was really nice. Even though they are struggling, they went out of their way for their family. I know my other brother would have too if he could have.
Lots of people came through for us today :)

One of those is my cousin K. She came over and also bought $20 worth!
K is a single mother of 3 little girls. Ages 3, 5, and 9. She has been having trouble with her middle child's Dad, always getting back with him and breaking up over and over. He is a worthless piece of trash... On top of that he is a drug addict, and physically abusive to her. Even in front of the kids. I'm always real with her, she knows she will get no bull shit from me, I've told her time and time again that she needs to stay away from him. It's not just her but the kids she has to worry about. I also tell her that I know it's hard, but she has to do whats right for them. That I love her, and will always be there for her, but she knows how I feel about it all.

She is still on and off with him, but more off lately. She just got a part time job last week, after being unemployed for... 8 years? It is hard to get a job around here, so things were looking up. She is also going to school part time.
Well last night she had to go to work, and he came over to babysit. He was high as a kite, on who knows what. He's mostly into pills and his methadone, so he was messed up. Got dropped off and couldn't even keep his head up. She made him leave and then I'm not sure what happened. I guess she must have stayed home from work, because she was having dinner with her daughters when her 9 year old started to imitate how her boyfriend had been acting. She was slurring and rolling her eyes up in her head. Her head was rolling around like she couldn't keep it up... K got really mad, she yelled at her to STOP IT, THAT'S NOT FUNNY! But no one was laughing. It wasn't an act.
She was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance, it was too late to pump her stomach, but they gave her something to help it go through her system faster... she came out of it alright...
She had swallowed 3 white pills. The test couldn't tell what they were... they could have been ANYTHING. When they asked why she took them, she said because she thought they were candy... but when asked HOW she took them, she said with a glass of water. "Do you usually swallow candy with water?" They asked. "No..." So you can read into that what you will...

She is home today, last I knew she was still unsteady on her feet and running into things. But she can talk, and everything else is ok. Child Protective Services will be paying a visit to K's house this week. Of course she doesn't know when, and doesn't know what will happen. She called her 'boyfriend' and told him that was it. That she finally decided her children were more important than him, and it's over. God I hope she is serious this time... I KNOW she is right now, but I hope she is in a month when he begs to come back...

And what if it's to late? What if CPS comes and takes her kids tomorrow? What if they decide to test her, and see that she has a little something in her system from a party she went to a few weeks ago??? What then???
I feel so bad for her, I know she is sick with worry. I also know that she should have stopped this along time ago... so it's hard to know how to feel...

All I know, is that all my money trouble, my weight struggles, all my horrible luck lately... it just seems so... unimportant. This last month my dryer quit, my car broke down, I had to get a tetanus shot when I hurt myself, both my phones quit working the other day, my air conditioner broke last month and we just got the bill for the electric. It's $100 more than usual because the air was on and not working for about 15 hours straight. That bill is now a shut off notice. The neighborhood I live in just seems to get worse and worse... there is more, but you get the point... all this sucks. But really? It's all just inconvenient compared to some peoples problems. It could ALWAYS be worse. My problems are not the end of the world. FAR from it.
If I lost my child? THAT would be the end of the world.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

4 Pound Bucket of Cookie Dough...

Ha! That got your attention didn't it!!!
Don't worry, I didn't eat 4 lbs of cookie dough :) I'm kidding around, but underneath it all I'm kind of stressed... and all over cookie dough!
My son started school on the 7th. Not only did we have to get used to him being in middle school and all the new things that come with that, we had to worry about this fundraiser for 6th grade camp that is due Monday, the 20th. WELL, I forgot the first few days, and only told my Mom and 2 of my brothers about it. But then Ray said don't worry about it anyway, his Mom can sell anything at work for sure. So she took it to sell last week, money due this Monday. She came over tonight and he reminded her to bring the paperwork back... she did. Empty. She forgot to sell the cookie dough!!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!
I know it's not her fault, it's not like she did it on purpose or anything. But it sucks. So here we are Saturday night, and I have tomorrow to sell 15 4 LB buckets of cookie dough.... UGH. Everyone I know is poor, not to mention giving them less than a days notice. We were already a little stressed about what we have to buy for him to bring when he goes... now we will have to pay for the trip if we can't sell the cookies... Did I mention we have a shut off notice from the electric company in due in 9 days??? Ugh... I could go on, but I won't.

You know what? I feel a lot better just getting all that off my chest. Honestly, all of a sudden I feel much calmer... I will try my hardest to sell as much as I can tomorrow, and that's all I can do. Ray will bring it to work if he has to, and I'll bring it to school Monday after he gets out... it will all be ok. If we have to pay that's ok, we'll work it out!

Well, that's just how my luck is going lately, why am I even surprised? lol. I can say that this stress didn't make me binge or anything, and it didn't make me go out and buy cookies either :) I did have chips and cheese with my taco soup, that was because of deliciousness not stress ;) but I ok the rest of the day.

What I ate today:
Iced Coffee: (75) about 12 oz with 3 tbs liquid creamer
Breakfast: (90) Special K vanilla crisp bar, and the coffee
Lunch: (665) 1 1/2 cup leftover taco soup over chips and cheese, water
Iced coffee: (75)
Dinner: (460) 6 oz chicken, 1 cup red beans and rice, 1 cup ff skim milk
Total Water: 46 oz
Total Calories: 1365
I waited 10 minutes after dinner to see if I REALLY wanted that second plate, and of course I didn't :)
I had another cup of coffee today, the first I've had 2 in one day. I don't want to make it a habit, but my head ache went away soon after so that's good! I will try using a little less creamer, see how low I can get the calories and still love it.

Treadmill: 16 minutes/ .62 mile 7 minutes with 2 LB weights
Total days in a row: 40 Wooo Hooo! :)
I stepped it up a little to make sure I at least worked up a little sweat :) I had the weights for 7 minutes, and worked those arms! I figure, I'm on the treadmill in my own home, no one is watching... I might as well take advantage of it!!! So I worked it, I looked like those skinny women you see in the mall speed walking with there arms doing all the work lol. If felt good :)

My son was waiting for Saturday Night Live, but he fell asleep on the couch. So I might turn in at a descent time tonight. Ray has the morning off, so we'll see! If he doesn't have anything he wants to watch, and I can stay away from facebook, I have a good chance! lol :) Goodnight everyone!

Good Morning!

I'm back just to finish up my Friday :)

What I ate:
Iced Coffee (91) with french vanilla liquid creamer, 1 tsp sugar
Lunch: (399) Tuna Sandwich, 5 baby carrots, 1 tbs light ranch, water
Snack: (435) 2 1/2 large crackers with 1/2 cup crab salad
Dinner: (676) 2 cups Taco soup with 12 tortilla chips and 1/4 cup cheddar, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: (250) 1 cup milk 1 Oatmeal Creme pie
Total Water: 42 oz
Total Calories: 1852

Wow, some of that stuff is more calories than I thought! I kept it under 2000 and I'm always happy with that. I could have done better especially with dinner, I took a good 213 dinner and turned it into 676 by adding the chips and cheese, and having a second cup...

I finally remembered to look for liquid creamer at Aldi's! I found some fat free french vanilla, and it is pretty good! Thanks Colenic! (if I remember right, you told me to go there for it... If not- Thanks who ever did!!! lol) I have been having it hot a lot lately, really like the coffeemate. But for iced I like this better. Still have to tweak it a little, it's sweet and I don't think I need the extra sugar. So today's will be less calories :)

I got on the treadmill as soon as I posted last night.
15 minutes/ .58 mile
39 days in a row
I just did the .58 I have to do to increase the weekly total, but to be honest I have to start doing more than that. The last few days, I haven't really even been sweating!!!! That is good news :) BUT it also means I have to start working harder now that I am able.... yuck! Haha, I know... I won't get the results if I don't put in the work!!!!

Woke up and I still have a head ache, but it's a LOT better. I feel great, and I'm going to have a great day :) I didn't do the laundry yesterday, so I have to today. I won't even let that get me down. I hope you all have a great day too!!!!

A Gain, No Surprise There!

And the scale says...
that's a gain of .8 pounds.
NOT a surprise.
Not as bad as I thought it would be...

I was on the treadmill everyday,
making my totals for the week:
1 hour 46 minutes/ 4.05 miles
Only a TINY bit farther than last week,
but farther none the less! :)

I woke up today with a horrible head ache. After I dropped my son off I ended up going back to bed. I slept till 1:00! My head was worse, and I still have it. Weighing in so late in the day without eating anything (except coffee) is probably why I didn't gain more! We all know I made some bad choices this week. So I'm ok with my little gain. I was afraid I'd see those 280s again, so I'm glad about that...
A new week, a new chance to do well.

Here it is 1:30 am and I still have to get on the treadmill. I kind of want to just go to bed, but then I would ruin my streak. My head is finally a little better, so I might as well do it!
Today will be day 39 on the treadmill! So I'm going to go do that and I'll be back in the morning to record how long, and what I ate today.
To go farther than last week, I have to do at least .58 miles per day. So that's probably what it will be :) See you tomorrow!

Friday, September 17, 2010

schedule... what schedule?

Now that summer vacation is over, I thought I would be doing BETTER being on a schedule. I think it is helping some... but one thing I have to change is the treadmill. I HAVE to start doing it during the day! Tonight I was ready for bed at 9:30, I fell asleep in the chair again. When I thought I better get up and go to bed when my son does, I realized I had to do the treadmill... and I did it. I'm happy I did, but then of course I was wide awake. Now it's almost 1 am, and I'm up instead of in bed where I should be. I have to be up in 2 1/2 hours to bring Ray to work, then up again 3 hours after that to bring the boy to school... Maybe after I do laundry I'll come home and take a nap? I don't want to get into that habit again either though...

My plan is to do the treadmill in the morning, then I will be awake, shower, and be ready for the day! That's been my plan since school started last Tuesday... Then at night I can get to bed at a decent time, and get some good sleep. (I did all that yesterday, and it was great!)

Tomorrow is weigh day... I don't really know what to expect. I did step on the scale yesterday, and it was a 4 pound gain. That doesn't really tell me much though, it was in the middle of the day and with all my clothes on. I shouldn't have done it at all lol.
I did a lot of extra housework this week, and did the treadmill everyday....
I also had cake FIVE days in a row. Other than that I ate ok except for... pizza.... don't yell at me, well ok you can if you want. I know I should have passed on it, free pizza is hard to pass up, but I could have. I had 2 pieces last night. Tonight I had 1 1/2 pieces. If you have seen my eating lately, you might know that that is pretty good... BUT I also know that with the cake I REALLY should have made a better choice.
I guess that's why I'm hurrying and writing this, so that tomorrow I can have a fresh start. Cakes gone, pizzas gone, I'll weigh in and it will be a whole new week.

My eating has been like this: I had coffee both mornings, tuna sandwich wiht baby carrots both lunches, so the last 2 days where pretty much the same. I had Salad last night with my pizza, cereal last night for snack. I had mozz string cheese and special K crackers today, and cereal tonight. That's what I've been eating. And cake both days...

I know I have been messing up a lot, and I still stick by what I said. I really feel great right now and feel I will be able to do better form now on... but you know how that goes with me :(
I know some of you appreciate the honesty and understand the struggles I have... and some of you might be getting bored/ fed up with all my mess ups. And I understand that. If reading doesn't help you, feel free to move on, because I wish you the best in your journey and if mine isn't good for you I totally understand.

That being said, I do feel great. I feel like I can get back on track and do really well this week :) I've been really motivated by other blogs, seeing others struggle through things and still stick to there plans... I've had a bad month emotionally, but I shouldn't have let that get in my way. Everyone has problems, and mine probably won't stop anytime soon. I need to stop eating for comfert, it's not healthy and it's not an excuse. Before this summer, I was doing so well with that... I really don't know what happened! I'm going to try really hard to get back on track.

I can't wait to get the weigh in over with, because I'm pretty nervous about what the scale will say....

My treadmill time:
Wednesday: 17 minutes/ .65 miles 4 minutes with 2 LB weights
Thursday (today): 18 minutes/ .66 mile
Days in a row: 38
Ok, I'll see you tomorrow for the face off with the scale...

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The Cake Monster

I don't know if I'm referring to the urge to eat cake... or to MYSELF!
It's 5:13am Wednesday. The birthday cake is still here, right behind me on the kitchen table in fact. I want to eat some right now... but I won't!

Yesterday I wrote that I didn't think it would be a problem, and I meant it! But only hours after I wrote that, I had a bowl of cake and ice cream... I really am having will power problems. I don't know why, I know it's simple: Don't eat the cake... ugh!

Have to get back to writing what I eat. After 2 days, I decided that when I did come back I wasn't going to type it all... and I think that made me not worry so much about what I was eating... I was still writing it for myself, but not having it on here probably contributed to all the cake and ice cream. NOT an excuse. But I do think recording it for all to see, helps me :)

What I ate Tuesday:
Breakfast: 1/2 coffee(43), piece of cake
Lunch: (600) Asparagus stuffed chicken with broccoli cheese rice, water
Snack: cake and ice cream(360)
Dinner: (420) Garlic Chicken 'Viola', water
Snack: (60) 1 mozz string cheese
Total Water: 40 oz
Total Calories: 1483 PLUS the 2 pieces of cake
I have no idea what the calories are in the cake, it isn't listed anywhere on it. I am going to call the bakery and ask!!! I really want to know... you saw the picture lol, any guesses???? I'm going to guess... 450 per piece?!?!? We'll see!
I haven't been getting enough water in, probably because of drinking pop. But today I got in 40 oz, so that's better.
NO POP, I have a bad head ache, and I'm sure that's why. But that's my own fault. I shouldn't have been drinking it. There is some Pepsi 0 left, I'm dumping it as soon as I am done here. I don't think I want it, but as I've shown all weekend I have little to no self control lately. Might as well get rid of it.

Treadmill: 16 minutes/ .63 miles  2 minutes of that with 2 LB weights
Total Days in a row: 36
My muscles hurt from extra house work and such, BUT my back has been feeling great. I think it's all better. I'm going to start walking with the weights again, maybe start doing some crunches again too :)

I am hungry, but I won't eat any cake right now. Promise! lol :)

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Something in the Air?

I'm all caught up on my blog roll, I have read everyday even though I wasn't writing mine.
Is there something in the air??? There seems to be a lot of negativity and Fat on Fat crime :) Yeah, I just made that up. That JUST happened Haha :)

It's weighing on my mind, so I'll just put my 2 cents in real quick so I can move on...

Loosing weight is hard. I recently had someone say very mean and hurtful things to me in a comment, but I'm over that. She's never 'been there' and I will just have to accept that some people don't understand. What's worse though, is all this I see now! Where it's people that KNOW how hard it is to loose weight coming down so hard on others that are struggling... hence my new term Fat on Fat Crime ;)

It's very hard for me to understand. These people have been there, know how hard it is, and still some how thing it's ok to look down and tell people "It's Easy."

If it was easy, NO ONE WOULD BE FAT. If it was easy, these people wouldn't have been fat all their lives either...

If you have lost a lot of weight, you should be proud! If you want to help others, that is AWESOME, and we love you for it. But please don't pretend that just because (after years, or even decades of being fat) you have done well now, that it is easy. It's just not. We should support each other, not hurt each other. If you see someone struggling (even if that person is me!), and it is hurting your progress or to hard to watch... wish them well and move on.

I am not picking out any one person either, I've seen it all over and really do think it might just be in the air. Fall is coming and maybe those warm summer days leaving, have some of us a little... irritable??? I know I have been... maybe more depressed than irritable... but no more!!!! :) I am going to try my best to stay positive!
I've lost 42 pounds, I never thought that would be possible. I am proud, but am still obese. I have a long way to go. Even when I get to 100 pounds lost, I can not imagine ever telling ANYONE that this is easy, or beating them up when they fall. I just can't. I guess that's why I don't understand, because I know I couldn't do that to some one that is struggling...

I'm not only writing it to get it out of my brain, but to show what I expect from you on my blog. Haha, not to sound high and mighty, I'm just being honest here...
Maybe that's part of the reason people do this? They don't know what the blogger is looking for, and think tough love is what some people need??? So Just like any relationship in my real life, I'll be clear: I don't need it. I need support, honesty, suggestions, constructive criticism, and just to know I'm not alone. I have a sense of humor, and I can take criticism. No problem! That's why I don't filter my 'comments.'
I don't need my ass kissed, but at the same time I DO NOT NEED someone to leave me sarcastic bitchy comments, or someone to tell me that 'it's easy' and 'just do it.' If you like to write these things, don't bother on my blog.
If you are someone trying to do well and my struggles are not good for your journey, I really hope you would wish me well and find blogs that ARE good for you. I would feel HORRIBLE if I was negatively affecting anyone. But I would feel great to know that you are moving on, but still have the best hope for my journey too :) That's what I would do for you.
Just remember that golden rule, treat others as you would want to be treated. Share your experiences without belittling someone else's. Share your knowledge but never forget where you came from. Keep it real, but remember it's really hard. Tell the truth but no need to be a jerk about it. That's how I hope I come across, anyway. Always honest... but not a bitch :)

And there's my 2 cents! I'd like to think it's worth a little more... maybe even 56 cents lol :)

*The term 'Fat on Fat Crime' has been copy written by TinaM. Any violation or use of this phrase by unauthorized individuals will result in a $50,000 fine and/or the possibility of prison time.
Just kidding :)

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

I've been soooo tired. Right now, I am sooo tired.
I don't like not blogging though, then I feel behind when I do come back! Even though it's only been a few days, it just seems like forever.

I'll give you the good, bad and ugly of the last few days. Since I like to end on a good note, we'll mix it up a bit :)

The Bad
The last 2 days have been filled with cake, ice cream and Ray's chicken wraps. All good, and all fine once, and for one day. But no... it's been more than once, for over 2 days.
Still having lots of stress. The car is ok, so that helps a LOT. But now I'm starting to think I got ripped off, and what I replaced that was 'so important', wasn't important at all... if this is the case I will be pissed. I do not have that kind of money! Now we are BROKE and it better be for a good reason...
You know that tetanus shot? Did you know they hurt for days??? LOL, probably, but I didn't!!! And no one told me! So on top of all my muscles hurting from extra cleaning and extra laundry, my arm has been killing me! It's worst at night when I'm trying to sleep. So another reason I've been extra tired.

The Ugly
I had cake for BREAKFAST today.... and yesterday.... I know, not good. Small pieces, but still. That's 2 pieces for 2 days in a row, and now one today. I really thought I had more self control, but obviously I don't.
POP, I have been drinking Pepsi 0 for the last few days, but I also drank 2 orange pops at 170 calories each. Not drinking pop is one thing I was doing well with, and now I ruined it.
I am addicted to stupid facebook games... mainly the Happy Animal type ones. Ugh, I told everyone I would NOT be playing any games on there... but of course I gave into one, which leads to another.... you know how it goes. If you know of a good game rehab clinic, let me know.

Ok, I that's pretty much the worst of it. I won't go into money problems, just knowing I am broke is enough lol.

The Good
I am done with all that. NO MORE POP. There is still a lot of cake left, but I don't even want any. IF I do crave it and can't control myself, I will have one small bite THAT'S IT. But really? I don't think that will be a problem.
Even though I have been eating chicken wraps cake and ice cream, that's pretty much all I've been eating... Maybe that should be in the bad category... but my point is: while I've had a lot of calories, I haven't been stuffing myself full or over eating, which is good. I have written down everything I ate like always, just don't really want to take the time to type all 4 days worth. If you really want to see it of course I will though :)
(I like writing what I eat, because I like seeing what others eat. I'm going to try to blog every night again, then it is easier to include that)
The chicken wraps are gone, that's good.

I don't think I'll gain this week as long as I do well for the rest of the week. As I mentioned, cleaned a lot Saturday and Sunday. I had a lot of laundry to haul to and from the laundromat Friday, and I know have burned a lot of calories.

My house is nice and clean :) I'm not the best house keeper, but right now the house looks great. It always makes me happier when the house is nice. I just have to make sure I keep it this way. It will help me stay happy AND cleaning is work! It will help me burn those extra calories!!!!

I have stayed on the treadmill. Sunday night after the party, I was exhausted. I fell asleep in the chair and woke up and headed to bed. Then I realized I hadn't done the treadmill! Ugh... I did NOT want to, I just wanted to go to bed. But then it would ruin the streak I have going :( I couldn't do that!!!! So I got my shoes and socks on and my water bottle and got to it. I was sooo tired, and ended up giving up on it after 7 minutes. Maybe you think that is cheating, but I don't :) I got on it, maybe not long at all, but I didn't break my habit. 

Here's what the treadmill looked like the last 4 days
Friday: 16 minutes/.61 miles, Saturday: 7 minutes/ .26 miles, Sunday: 16 minutes/.62 miles, Monday: 16 minutes/.62 miles
Total Days in a Row: 35
Because of my 7 minute walk, I now have to do at least .62 miles per day to tie last weeks total. I can and I will :)

So I've been staying positive, even though I'm still stressed. My son's Bday was good for a little time to forget all that, but I have to be able to forget all the stress while NOT forgetting to keep my eating in check. It's hard, but I'll get there.
For now it's back to normal. I'm going to concentrate on what I'm eating, eat slow and make better choices. I may have started the day out wrong with the cake... but it's only 9:48am. I'm not throwing the whole day away, another way I WILL be able to loose the weight this time. No more "Well I already ruined today, or this week, or this month even!" That was what I used to do EVERY time before this year. This isn't every time, this is the last time. So I won't beat myself up over the last few days, I'll just move forward. now that summer is over, I won't be faced with all the family gatherings. (that I FAILED at all summer!) I hope I can be strong and make better decisions the next time.
In fact, my birthday is next... so I'll have to give that some thought.

I hope you all had a great weekend, and here's to a great week ahead!!!


My baby boy turned 12 yesterday.... how did this happen? Where did the time go?
This is the lovely cake he picked out :) It is DELICIOUS, but we'll get back to that...

We had a get together Sunday for him. Ray's Mom, brother, niece. My Mom, step dad, 2 of my brothers. We had a good time. He picked out Ray's chicken wraps for his Bday dinner and Ray made them for everyone.
Food still plays a big part in our celebrations as you can see. I don't really think there's so much wrong with that, if it is only for that day, if I controlled my portions, and moved on... and that's a big IF.

Well, now I officially feel old lol. 12, in middle school, he's growing up on me!!! Isn't there some kind of potion to stop that????

Happy Birthday, to the best son a mother could hope for.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Weigh Day

And the scale says...
Gotta love those even numbers lol.
So that's a 1 pound loss
making my Total lost: 42 pounds
Back in the green :) Yeah!

I was on the treadmill every day,
making my totals:
1 hour 47 minutes/ 4 miles
That's .35 mile more that last week.
In order to pass that next week,
I have to make sure to do
at least .57 every day :)
I can do that :)

I'm so happy to be back 'in the green' as I call it. I'm now at my lowest weight since starting this journey. I just have to keep loosing. I know it would have been more if I hadn't messed up with my eating the last few days... but that's ok. I messed up, now it's on to the future!

Sunday is in the future... it's going to be my sons 12th birthday! I can't believe it!
I am a little scared, it's the first time we've had a birthday here since I've started this weight loss journey. I thought I would be smart and just order the 1/4 sheet of cake... so I wouldn't have a bunch left over like always.... smart right?
Well after I got home I realized it might not be enough!!!! So I'll have to call them I guess...

Today is the start to new week. A new chance to do a great job :) I hope you all are doing well! Thanks for visiting!!!

Catch up

Thank you again for all of your comments :)
I also have to thank 2 new followers! Anne h and Sheilah thank you so much for joining me in My Day :) It's been hectic lately, but it should calm down any day now hehe :)

I've only been gone a couple days, but I'm so used to blogging every day that it feels like for ever!!! I will try and keep this short and sweet :) Well, short and sour? LOL.

The Car
The place returned the new alternator that I didn't need and didn't charge me for it or all the labor. They found what was wrong in the engine. 2 things, I fixed the most important one for TWICE what the alternator was going to cost me. I have about $15 in the bank right now... But I have a car, things are much better now that I don't have to worry about that! Step Dad is still supposed to do the sway bar links, but like I said- everything in his own sweet time... but I'm broke so I have no other option.

Middle School
My baby survived his first week on middle school :) I think he likes it more than he thought he would, so far it's going great! It's a lot more walking than he's used too, he has 2 blisters. :( Even though he did the treadmill all summer, walking home (and to school Wednesday when car was in the shop) AND up and down stairs all day is a lot. He's on the 3rd floor, and has to walk up and down the stairs at least 5 times. He'll get used to it I know :)

I have been very stressed all week, and I have been exhausted. I've been getting up so early and staying up all day. Going to bed at midnight every night (which is good for me) except tonight. I try to read my blog roll, but at midnight I have to go to bed no matter what, so I don't ever get to all of it and haven't had time to do mine :(
 Ray had a few days off this week, and got a ride the others. So I didn't have to get up at 3:35am on top of it all which was nice. But that ends tonight. I'll be bringing him to work... which is better than not having a car! Over all I've tried to stay positive, that little break down I had really did help I guess.

Joy of Being a Woman Appointment
As I mentioned, the one good thing about this was that I would be weighed and have on record that I was loosing. Woo Hoo!!!! Woo Hoo???? NO?
It didn't go well at all. That was Wednesday and my sanity was already hanging by a thread if you remember. I waited 45 minutes to even get in a room!!! Then another 45 till the 'doctor' came in! I was there a total of 2 hours 15 minutes... everyone was new except the receptionist, and it seemed no one knew what they were doing! To make a long story short, I did not get the 'good job' I expected for loosing 41 pounds. The nurse kind of said good job, along with drilling me about not being obsessed and I don't have to be a size 2... uh... look at me- NEVER going to be a size 8 even, and I'm fine with that. BUT she said she was anorexic at one point and I know she really did mean well.
The doctor on the other hand... It was the first time meeting her and I don't like her at all. She didn't even look at the chart. She says "Well I know the main health problem you have is your weight. You need to start thinking about that. You may feel fine now but in a few years it is going to start taking a tole on your body. You have to see how much you eat every day and start burning those calories blah blah blah blah blah blah." I did everything short of rolling my eyes. I stopped looking at her, Mmmhmm ing along, and I know she just thought I didn't care. That's not the case, if she would have took a second to check the chart, she would have seen that I HAVE lost weight. That I AM trying. So I said "Look bitch. You see that chart right there??? Why don't you take the stick out of your ass and walk on over and take a look at it! I'm sure you can read, so go ahead and do that. That's what your paid for isn't it???"
Haha!!! Did you believe me??? Holy Crap, that would have been good huh??? If you know me, you know that if pushed that isn't far from realistic :) BUT I was covered in nothing but a big napkin and she had yet to invade my... lady parts lol. So no, I wasn't going to say all that. What I said after she stopped yapping is "Yeah, I know all that. I don't know if you looked at my chart, but I have been loosing. I've actually lost 41 pounds since the beginning of the year." Her response? Did I get an enthusiastic That's Great! NO, I got a piddly, couldn't care less "Well. That's a good start." What a bitch.
Sorry, that got long... but it completely ruined an already messed up day.

Me eating hasn't been good. I'll start off the day ok, then over eat for dinner (NOT follow my 'wait 10 minutes for another serving' rule.) It's been bad... After my doctor appointment I even ordered pizza :( yeah... I know. Not good. At All. I had 5 pieces :( I had some Pepsi 0 too. It had no calories, but it has also made me crave pop :( I want some so bad right now! I might have a tiny but of the Pepsi 0, and will try to stay away from the rest. I shouldn't have ever had any at all!!!!
I also had a piece of 410 calorie chocolate silk pie Wednesday and Thursday. Soooo goood, but definitly a once a year type thing.
I have come to the conclusion that I can NOT have Salsa con Queso in the house, because I can't stop eating it. SO we'll add that to the chex mix for not allowed in the house. Pizza? I need to just stay away from it!!!! I was doing so well, only having one or 2 slices. Now all summer I have had no self control... no more of that!
I just realized tonight that I have only lost 5 pounds ALL summer... Which is good if I tried and that's what I lost. I'd be fine with it. BUT it's because I fell off the wagon so many times. No matter, I'm back on it RIGHT NOW.

I went and had my cut (more like scrape) checked out today. It was withing 72 hours of it happening and they gave me a tetanus shot immediately. Even though it was urgent care/ walk in, I was in and out very quickly. The shot hurt a little lol. It's been 13 years since I had a shot. They put ointment and a bandage on my leg. Got a prescription to fill if it starts getting redder or looks infected. It DID look and feel fine... but now after they messed with it, it hurts and is very red. I'll wait and see. Anyway, I'm not going to die of tetanus so that's good :)

I think that about covers it.
I write everything I eat down on paper now, so I can remember. So I have it if you want to know exactly what I had. That was the worst of it though. I have had a little more veggies than usual, so that's good. I found that I really like stir fried veggies with a little soy sauce.

Even though I have been having a hard time, I stayed with the treadmill :) I'm so glad I did!!! Wednesday: 15 minutes/ .56 miles, Thursday: 15 minutes/ .55 miles, I managed to do more that .52 every day. Guaranteeing a increase in the total weekly miles :)
Today (Friday): 16 minutes/ .61 miles. 
Days in a row: 32 :)

Today was also my weigh in... coming right up!!!!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Ummm... Did you remember to cross your fingers???

Ahhh... I kid of course. You all help keep me going. It's not your fault the universe is caving in on me!

As I wrote yesterday, it was a beautiful day. The car was getting the new alternator, everything was good.
It didn't last long... I swear one thing after another just started going wrong. I won't go into all the crazy details of the stupid shit that happened during the day at home... just ONE THING AFTER ANOTHER.

The most important thing was that my son came home and had a good day!!! I was so happy! None of the other things mattered :)

Then I called about the car, it was almost done (3 hours late) and I went to get it. My Mom picked me up, when I went in they were still working on it. He told me a belt was bad and they JUST saw that, it would only be a little longer and $18 more. That's fine. I went and told my Mom to go, but ended up back in the truck just talking. Mostly about her and her appointments with her counselor and how she's doing better. It was nice. I'm glad she's making progress. She commented that it looks like I've been loosing, so I told her yes- I've lost 41 pounds :) "Tina REALLY! WOW, that's great!!!" she went on to say that that gives her hope that maybe she could loose weight and just being really nice and supportive. :) ( she weighs a little less them me i think, but she's got at least 5 inches on me)

Then the guy comes over, wants to show me something with the car. That's fine, I figured it was the other things wrong that I already know about. Nope, he shows me that it's still making the noise, and that the alternator wasn't the problem. He says "I wondered why you wanted an alternator in it... I didn't diagnose it, I just put it in cause they told me too" BULL SHIT!!! The guy had came in and said the bearings are bad in the alternator and that they could fix it. I said "Well yeah I wanted an alternator if that was the problem!" He explained that it's something in the motor and then said that he had thought it was the alternator also, but they would have to get in the motor to see what the real problem is, because even with the new alternator it was still making the noise. I told him my main concern right now is paying for an alternator I don't even need! It all ended up like this: He would take out the new alternator and send it back, he doesn't want to rip me off "We're not here to bend you over a post." were is exact words... yes, very tactful... and they would keep it and get in the motor and call me this morning and tell me what the problem is.

Oh, did I mention that when I got out of Mom's truck to go in the place- I cut the back of my leg on a bunch of rusted metal??? Yeah, just to top it all off I guess. Don't you get tetanus from that? I had a tetanus shot... hmmm... about 13 years go. I should be good right??? *dry laugh* I'll have to look it up online and see if I should go get a shot or what. I don't even know what tetanus is.... but with my luck you know I'll get it!

I tried to stay positive anyway. Once I got home to Ray and our son, it was better :) Ray was really pissed off, but after a while he was better too. I stayed positive, I got dinner ready, only had one serving. I did the treadmill. AND I forced myself to get off the computer and go to bed at midnight...

What I ate yesterday:
Breakfast: (244) coffee, 1 slice peanut butter toast, 1/2 an apple (48 grams)
Snack: (23) 1 Werther's
Lunch: (283) tuna sandwich (1 can tuna, 1 tbs miracle whip, hot pepper rings, 1/8 cup cheddar on NEW Arnold's whole wheat sandwich thins), 7 baby carrots, 1/2 tbs light ranch, water
Dinner: (640) 3 bites of peas, left over broccoli chicken Alfredo (about 1 cup and 3/4 cup of pasta), 1 slice of toast w a little country crock and parmesan, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: (205) 1 1/2 cup Special K Vanilla Almond w about 1/2 cup ff skim milk (cats got the rest)
Total Water: 42 oz
Total Calories: 1395
The calories have been pretty good. Low for me!
I found those Arnold's sandwich thins, I really like them. I was a little disappointed to see they were 100 calories, but that is 40 less than my 2 slices of bread. So it's good.

Yesterday's Treadmill: 15 minutes/ .55 mile
Total Days in a row: 29

Today the boy had to walk to school, since the car is still at the shop. He wasn't happy but he'll live. He left, Ray is still at work, I'm alone. I completely broke down. I'm glad he didn't come home, he would have found me with my head in my arms sobbing, like someone died. Completely broken.

Of course now that I've got all that out, I feel a little better. Not good really. Still down, but I know it's not the end of the world. Even without a car we will be ok. No one died, nothing horrible has happened, my problems are NOT the end of the world. Other people have it far worse... I know all this, and I tried so hard to stay positive, but I just can't today... maybe when Ray comes home I'll feel better. Of course when my son does I will.

Oh, on top of all that? I find out I have to report to jury duty October 1st. :(

AND I have my Joy of Being a Woman appointment today... UUUGGGHHHHH! The only good thing about that is I will get weighed... it's actually the first of a few goal dates I have. I wanted to loose as much as I could by the time I had to do this again. I've been at it a little over 8 months, have lost 41 pounds. Since the weight they have will be from last summer, I'm not sure what it is exactly... It won't be as big of a loss. But it will be a loss :) I just jumped on the scale to prepare myself for how I'm doing. I'm at 278.6 right now. My lowest I've seen so far, so that's cool. I wish I was in a better mood for the news, but it does help :) That's down .4 so far this week, and I already had 'breakfast.' All I have to do is be good and it will be a loss Friday for sure. I can do it!

I'm off to deal with the car, completely deplete my bank account I'm sure, and have my exam. Just a day full of fun.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

A Good Day... So Far (cross your fingers please!)

I didn't blog last night. I had another horrible stressful day. Another day sitting at my mothers when I can't stand her at the moment. Another day of car stress and people pissing me off. Another day of waisting my time and getting NOTHING done with the car.
I figured you've been hearing me whine enough lately lol. We all have problems, and I know mine aren't the end of the world, and I'm going to try and just be positive. :)

Last night when I got home, everything was better of course. But still stressed and exhausted. My son was in bed at 9:30, I went out and got the last of the items he needed for school work, all was ready for this morning :) I also was in bed by midnight, awesome!

What I ate yesterday:
Breakfast: Coffee and an oatmeal cream pie
Lunch: 1 left over piece of lasagna, 1/2 cup ff skim milk
Dinner: 2 servings broccoli chicken Alfredo over penne noodles, 1 piece of garlic cheese toast, 1 cup ff skim milk
Total Water: 28 oz
We had Ray's mom over for dinner. It was nice :) His niece too. Talking and visiting and I got up and got another helping without even thinking! If I would have stuck to my new rule, and waited 10 minutes before getting a second helping- I KNOW I wouldn't have got it. I have to make sure to do that all the time. I'm sure it will be habit before to long :)

Treadmill 15 minutes/ .56 mile
Total days in a row on the treadmill: 28

This morning he started MIDDLE SCHOOL... how did he get so old???? I just can't believe it. I hope he had a good time!!! I can't wait for him to get home :)
After I dropped him off at school, we brought the car in. It's still at the shop, getting a new alternator. I'm just so glad it's getting done that I don't care they said it would be ready a hour and a half ago. I just want it done, and done right. It's costing us about $75 more than it would have if Step Dad would have done it, but having it done right and not waiting 2 more weeks for it is worth it to me. Now we need one more thing, the sway bar links. Step Dad says he can do it, but I know that means waiting till when ever he feels like it- when he's not busy doing nothing... but what can ya do. I can't afford to have that done right now, so I'll be waiting either way. Just wish me luck that nothing else goes wrong!!!!!

I think I have been doing a good job with my food today :) We were so busy that I will be doing the treadmill tonight as usual, but now that I will be getting up so early I really want to start doing it the morning.

I feel so much better today, and I think the weather has helped that too. It is so beautiful today! It's about 74, sunny and windy. A little to windy, but that makes it feel cooler... I really wish we had more days like this! Like EVERY day would be good hehe :)
I think we'll have to switch it up a bit, and I will post during the morning/afternoon about the day before. Instead of posting at night. I need to start going to bed at a decent hour now :) I think it will work out well. So see you tomorrow!!! I hope everyone had a great day, and holiday weekend. I hope all your kids enjoyed their first day of school, if they have started :)

My son will be home in about 20 minutes. I hope he liked it!!!! I hope the transition wasn't to hard... I hope he had a good day!!!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Sound of Music?

First let me thank a new 'follower.' Tomas, Thank you so much for joining me in My Day! Like it reads at the top, it's about my life, my weight loss journey, and whatever else I feel like rambling about :) Speaking of rambling...

I have never seen The Sound of Music. I always just thought it was all signing, some happy little movie... I was flipping trough channels and was surprised. There were Nazis marching in the street... Whaaa??? Not at all what I expected! The father got an order, and it looked like they were going to... well, I don't want to ruin if for anyone LOL. I didn't watch long, because I had no idea what was going on (I hate watching a movie from the middle) but now I'm curious what this movie is all about. Have you seen it? Without giving away anything, was it good? Did you like it? Hate it? I'm just curious :) It looks long, and wondering if I should watch lol.

My day was pretty blah. You know from my last post I'm getting a little depressed, but I'm ok. Ray took the boy out to the park this morning, they had fun. He did much better throwing discs I hear. He fed the ducks, they had a good morning. They came home and Ray made breakfast :) He is being so sweet, he knows I'm having a hard time with it being 'Treat Tina Like Shit Week'. In fact, it's a new week, I hope this isn't a month long event!!! haha.
No matter, I love Ray and our son so much. As long as I have them it will all be ok. And of course my lovely blogger friends :)

Here's what I ate today:
Brunch: 1/2 a ham and cheese omelet, 1 sausage patty, 6 oz orange juice
Dinner: 1 piece left over lasagna, 1 garlic bread, 2 bites of peas, 10 oz ff skim milk
Snack: 10 chips with 3 tbs salsa con queso
Snack: 1 1/2 cracker with crab salad
Snack: bowl of Homey Nut Cheerios w ff skim milk
Total Water: 30 oz
Not enough water in the last few days... I didn't get a second helping, I waited 10 minutes. It worked again :) I don't know what happened with all that snacking though! At least one of those should have been a fruit :(

Treadmill today: 17 minutes/ .65 mile
Total Days in a row: 27

The Golden Rule... ever heard of it???

I try and live my life, treating others as I would want to be treated. It seems NO ONE around me has ever heard of this!
My family aren't the only ones, just the most frequent offenders. I swear i must be adopted.... uh. I won't go into details, just that no one ever sticks to what they say, or finds it important to put others feelings into consideration. And I'm tired of it. They are having a cookout today over at my brother's, he really wants me to go but I can't. I can't stand to me around my Mom and Step Dad right now... Sitting there yesterday for 7 hours didn't help... at all. Step Dad did end up replacing the brake pads. I do appreciate that, but that is the LEAST of my worries with the car. So I'm still waiting...
I feel so bad I can't go to the cookout, but I don't want my son there anyway. I am in a depressed mood, and I can't fake it today. I never do... but if I tried today I know it wouldn't work. So I would be no fun.

So I'm spending the day doing laundry. I just got used to the idea of going to the laundromat to dry my clothes, and I actually like it! It takes 40 minutes to dry 5 loads of laundry, instead of all day. It's pretty great...
But now? I don't have a dryer and am not supposed to be driving my car! So I will be hanging clothes all over the house I guess! Ugh.

My day yesterday was just... stupid. That's the only way to describe it. On top of everything else, it was about 60 degrees!!!! I was freezing my ass off all day!!! It was just in the 80s, I was in shorts and a shirt 2 days ago sweating, now I'm in pants FREEZING!!!

My step dad had said he would call me early in the morning so I could bring the car over and he would drive me home. That's fine... I guessed he wanted to look at it and make sure of everything that was wrong with it. I was going school shopping with mother in law later in the day. WELL, he didn't call me until 12:30, and it was time to go shopping. So I bring the car, and he doesn't want to keep it and look it over. He wants to go get parts now. So I tell MIL to just go with Ray and our son, I'll be home later. So they all went shopping, which is fine. She was getting his school clothes, shoes and back pack. I was SOOO relieved when she told us this. WELL, she got his shoes and 2 T Shirts... Don't get me wrong. I SO appreciate this. She didn't have to buy ANYTHING, and I know that. BUT I didn't take him school shopping because she was doing it all! Now he starts Tuesday, I don't have a car, and he still needs everything else! ugh...

THE CAR- feel free to skip this if you don't care about the Car Adventure lol
We needed to go get 2 parts, sway bar links I think. I say "You don't want to look at it and make sure I need them first?" He says No, because I do need them. So we go. Advanced Auto Parts #1 don't have them, but 2 other Advanced Auto parts do. One at each store. So the guy calls each store has them hold them for me. We go to store #2, and get it. We go to store # 3 and the guy doesn't have one on hold. He has the part, but it's $16 more than we just paid for it! I'm pissed and let the guy know it (because he had a horrible attitude), they should have had the part on hold for me!!! AND it should be $16 cheaper! So we leave, deciding Step Dad would look and make sure we need BOTH and not just one anyway. As we are leaving I realize we are leaving an Autozone... NOT the store we had been dealing with, Advanced Auto. I tell step dad, and instead of going down the road where the WOULD have my part, we go home to check it out. So store #3 has this part on hold for me, but we don't go get it... So he checks out the car, and says I need brake pads... but bad news. You know the part we went all over for? The sway bar links? Those are fine and we DON'T need them. So, we go back to Store number 2 and return the part, and get brake pads instead. We go home. He installs the brake pads, when he's done, tells me we DO need the sway bar links.....the one we just returned, and that is on hold for me because 2 stores only have 1 each... instead of going to get them, he wants to do it tomorrow (today). Uh... Ok. Fine...
This all took 7 hours. I didn't eat or drink anything this whole time... I am so stressed out it ain't even funny. SO I drive the car back home. Even though it's grinding and really loud, that's not the main problem. Through all of this, the main problem is the alternator. It is going to go out anytime. The noise it's making gets worse every time I get in it... I am not supposed to be driving it. I don't want it to brake down. But he wants to get a used one on Tuesday, instead of me paying $180 for a new one... I'm all for saving money if it won't die on me... so whatever...

So by last night, I was pretty tired. I read about half my blog roll and had to go to bed...

Today, they are having a cookout and Step Dad isn't even THINKING of going to get these parts... which is ok. I understand he's busy... but when I left last night, we were getting them today. that was the plan....
So now I don't really know what's going to happen. I just know I couldn't sit over there again today and be happy when I'm so stressed out... not to mention.... I am not supposed to be driving the car! ugh...

What I ate yesterday:
Breakfast@ 10:30am: (144?) iced coffee and 1 chocolate chip cookie
Snack @ 7:15pm: (152) 10 tortilla chips, 2 tbs salsa con queso, water
Bites while making dinner: (150?)
Dinner @ 8:30pm: (about 750) 1 piece of 3 cheese tomato lasagna, 1 piece of garlic toast, milk
Total Water: 25 oz
Total Calories: about 1196
I didn't plan on going all day without eating like that. I was starving, but I took my time eating dinner. I was going to get a second plate but thought- I do NOT need another plate. Especially with the chips and bites while cooking, even though I think I am hungry I am not. So I told myself I would wait 10 minutes and if I still wanted it I would have it. AND I didn't :) I think I will do that from now on. Before getting a second helping, wait 10 minutes. I think this is the first time I have ever only had ONE piece of lasagna lol.

Everything was better once I got home. I got on the treadmill too
15 minutes/ .58 mile
Total Days in a row: 26 :)

Be back later with a post for today. I'll keep it short though lol. Just my eating and treadmill, since you already know the rest of my F'd up day! LOL :) Hope you all have a good one!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Weigh Day

And the scale says...
Exactly the same.
I can't be mad about that, I'm glad I didn't gain.
This keeps me at 41 pounds lost.

I got on the treadmill everyday,
making my Totals:
1 hour 40 minutes/ 3.65 miles

I didn't go farther than last weeks on the treadmill, actually did less. But from now on, I want to increase each week, even if only a little bit. I've figured that to tie 3.65 miles I will have to do .52 miles everyday. So to pass it, I will make sure I do a little more than that. Easy Peasy :) Well, doable anyway! haha :)

I have been an emotional wreck today. I think it's Treat Tina Like Shit Week. And Everyone is celebrating it!!! Why didn't anyone tell me??? I could have prepared! You know, got a new outfit... SOMETHING! Ah... I kid. I can now because I am here, read comments, and have read other's posts, and feel much better :)

On top of everything else, my Mom called to add her BS and stress me out (what's new right?). One thing I did get out of that though, step dad is finally going to start working on the car tomorrow... I love him, and appreciate anything he can do... but only go to him because I have no choice. He can't admit when he doesn't know something, so I am just hoping he really does this time... and he ALWAYS takes his sweet time. I told him I needed it by the time my son started school Tuesday, and he waited till today to even call me about it! It's been 6 days! So I doubt I'll have it in the next 4 :( He'll be walking to school... I just hope it doesn't take more than a week... Like I said, he takes his sweet time...
In the meantime, I will have no car- Ray needs to get to work at 4am... and it's so hard to ask you know? That's a pretty inconvenient time...
I have had a head ache almost all day. It got really bad earlier, but is better now. I'm not sure if it's stress... you know what I think it really is? I think it's because I didn't have any coffee today! I hope I don't have it still in the morning...

But anyway. No thinking of that, I'm in a good mood now remember??? ;)

Hmmm, that was short lived... lol. Here's what I ate Today:
Lunch: (351) 1/2 cup crab salad, 9 cracker pieces (2 and 1/4 large crackers), 5 baby carrots, water
Snack about 15 minutes before dinner: (180) Romain/grape tomato salad (w 1 1/2 tbs light ranch, 1/4 cup mozz, croutons)
Dinner: (706)  2 pigs in a blanket, 1/2 croissant, 10 tater tots, ketchup, mustard
Snack: (190) 1 cup Special K Vanilla Almond with ff skim milk
Snack: (180?) 3 cookies
Snack: (26) 5 special K crackers
Snack: (52) Nectarine- 118 grams
Total Water: 44 oz
Total Calories: 1685
Aye. defiantly could have been better.
I promised the kid we'd have pigs in a blanket (it's actually Hebrew National Kosher all beef franks, all natural no fillers ect. So not really pigs.... but 'Cows in a Blanket' just doesn't have the same ring lol)sometime this summer, and never did. So tonight was the night. I had that salad as I was waiting for it all to bake, thinking 'I'll just have one this way.' But I ended up having 2... don't know why. I don't even like them very much!
The cookies, I had 3 and not the whole bag, and I'm not craving them right now so that's good lol. (the ? is because they got out into a zip lock and the bag thrown out before I wrote the calories down) Up to late and snacking to much, but the snacks aren't too bad... right?
Today is the first time I had baby carrots without light ranch... yuck hehe :) but I forced them down anyway. I'm going back to ranch, but I'm going to really try to only have a little bit.
I had a nasty fruit! Go me!!! I am hoping the more I eat fruit, the more I will like it. I do like grapes, and pears. Have to get more of those next time.

Today's Treadmill: 15 minutes/ .54 mile
Total Days in a row: 25  :)

Thank you to all who have answered my 8 Questions :)
Have a great night everyone!