Weigh Day? Not Good. Mood? Better.

First let me say hello to Mercy. Thank you for joining me in my day! It hasn't been my normal day for a while now... but hopefully it will be again soon! :)

Now to the weigh in.
Of course it's not good. I didn't get on the treadmill once this week, I ate pretty much whatever I wanted...
So the scale says:

288.6

That is a gain of 3.2 pounds

Making my total loss 31.4 pounds

I think my chart shows I had lost 32 pounds or so back in April. APRIL! That is 7 months ago! And I have lost all the work I have done since then. Ugh, that just sucks so bad...

I know what I need to do, and what I should be doing... Why can't I find the motivation?

As you know, I have been stressed out. But that can NOT be an excuse. I need to get on that treadmill no matter what mood I am in. And logic tells me that just the act of walking will make me feel better! It's just so hard to do when I don't want too... But I NEED to.

Now that Thanksgiving is over, I am feeling better. I guess the stress of that, and not even knowing if we were going to spend it with the family- was really weighing on me. Once I finally asked my brother the big question, I felt a huge relief. He didn't come over one night he said he was going to, so I did it the easy way. A text :) I wrote something like "I wanted to talk to you about smoking weed while ****(my son) is there. I was hoping you all could wait till we leave, or if you can't wait, go outside? Is that coo?" and he texted back "Yep, that's fine yo." lol, So it worked out for the best, I didn't make a big deal out of it and he didn't either. Oh, but it could have went SO DIFFERENTLY, and I'm just thankful it didn't.

We had a great Thanksgiving. I hope you all did too! I'm behind in my reading, so I have to play catch up!

I was in charge of making pickle wraps, onion wraps, the night before. Me and my son also decided to decorate cookies :) We had fun. I also made the goop (Green Bean Casserole, except DELICIOUS), and macaroni. All the food was so good. (I have everything I've been eating on the last post.) I had a lot, but honestly I am proud of myself. I really thought about what I wanted, and the 2 plates where 1/2 the size 2 plates would have been last year! And for dessert I had one piece of pie, and one bite of another. Every other year I would have had a piece of each of the 3 kinds! AND THE BIGGEST CHANGE: I didn't bring home any dinner leftovers. Not even of what I made! We do have stuff here to make more pickle wraps, but the 1 cookie for each of us I brought home are gone, and I have not been pigging out on thanksgiving dinner all day! Woo Hoo! Step Dad sent home 1/2 a stuffed squash that I will probably have for lunch tomorrow, but that would have usually been eaten yesterday at Thanksgiving along with the 2 huge plates. I did pretty good for me. Especially since I've been doing SO bad...

This morning I got some exercise, I shopped my FIRST Black Friday. I don't do crowds, but I had to drop Ray at work this year anyway, so I figured I might as well stop at 2 places while I'm out. I got in line at Target, and I swear I was almost at the back of the store. The line went across the whole front, then around to the back. I'm sure it went around again because there where a lot of people that got there after me! I almost went back home. I just knew the camera I wanted would be gone. But after waiting 15 minutes, I got in there and got my camera! AND an external hard drive we have needed for a long time, $60 off! I was so happy! Then I went to Meijer and got everything I needed from there too!!! Some nice pairs of jeans for Ray and the kid 1/2 off. 2 lego starwars sets for the kid for Christmas Buy one Get one 1/2 off, a new cordless phone 14.99 (ours got fried about a month ago), and a big coffee mug for Ray's Birthday. (He will be the big 30, and the mug says so lol) I was home by 5:45am, and it all went so much smoother than I expected! I just really lucked out I think :) I am so relieved! Do you go shopping on Black Friday? How was it for you!?!?! I can't say that I'll make it a habit, but it really did work out very well :) The managers at Meijer were even handing out bottles water to all of us hard shoppers lol :) So nice of  them.

This morning after I went to bed and woke back up later, it was like Christmas! lol. Opening up my camera, phone, ray hooking up the hard drive... I haven't had so many presents since I was a kid haha :)

On top of the $150 gift card I got from Happy Fun Pant's Review Blog, I also got a $50 gift card from my best friend (who hasn't even sent me a card since she moved 6 years ago! Such a great surprise!) and then at Thanksgiving my middle brother gave me a card and $50! I've never had Birthday money like this before. And any money  I ever do get I have ALWAYS spent on Christmas presents, or bills. But I REALLY needed a camera. I swear not having one that works has added to my depression. I LOVE taking pictures, I think it is great therapy, and now I have a camera that works! Its a tiny little thing. Metallic Red, Nikon Coolpix. $79. I really like it :) So anyway, I got stuff we really needed, at great prices and I am happy :)

Of course some of that money was already spent on food for thanksgiving and other things we needed. Like getting drunk last Saturday night. That was actually in the instructions from my best Friend! lol. Ray and I had some drinks and had a good night. Played Guitar Hero, and kicked ass :) lol, at least I think I was doing pretty good! It's funny, I only have the urge to play that game when I'm drunk... and now I won't play it for another 6 months I'm sure, and I'll be awesome at it then too! haha. (or will think so anyway)

So yes, my mood has been ALL OVER the place. I had a great birthday this year, even though it was in the middle of all this stress and gaining all this weight back. Halloween and Thanksgiving proved to be more than I could handle as far as my eating. But now I really do feel better. Not GREAT, but so much better.

I am determined to get on the treadmill and do my 5 miles this week. I didn't do it today, but I have 6 days left. I did start off the new week on a better note though :)

Crunches: 100 (5 sets of 20) 

As far as blogging, I would really like to record my previous days food every morning when I update my weight loss tracker. And keep up to date on everyone else's blogs. So that's my goal. I still feel a little overwhelmed with all that... I really have to shorten my blog role :(  

Oh, speaking of goals! As you may know, I had set the goal of loosing 50 lbs in 2010. It was SO achievable when I set it... but now since I keep gaining, I'm not going to be able to do it. So I'm not going to concentrate on that, But am going to do my best to loose as much as I can by the new year!

I'll at least be here to update my eating and weight loss tracker daily, and for sure do a real post for Friday weigh ins! I really want to be able to read everyone's blogs daily too. SO That's the plan... but lately my plan changes with my mood, like 5 times per day ;)

But this should work :) 

What I really need to do is get back on a schedule! Ever since I got the car back (which I am SO VERY grateful for) I have been bringing Ray to work and my sleep is all off. I think I really started getting depressed after I got the car back... that HAS to be why! I was on a good schedule, was used to getting a nice chunk of sleep... and now it's back to these weird hours, and I am not getting used to it! I HAVE to get on a schedule. I think I will feel so much better, and be able to cope with things so much better...

Alright, I'm done rambling now :) I'll see you later! Hugs and Take Care!

Still Going to Take a Little Break, BUT... Here's What I'm Eating!

I don't want to gain back more weight than I already have!

Miss Verity Vaudeville left a comment yesterday, asking if it was wise to distance myself... and she is right! The 2 weeks I was away I fell completely off track and am having so much trouble getting back on! I have gained about 10 pounds since before that 2 weeks... I don't want to gain another 10! If I stay completely away, I might just do that!

I need a little break, a break from writing all the depressing things that are my life right now. A break from thinking about it any more than I have to! BUT I don't want this to be a break that lets me eat everything in sight. And I'm afraid if I don't feel accountable to anyone, I will!

Thank you all for your support, and understanding my need for a little break... and I'm going to be taking that break, while not completely forgetting about my weight loss journey.

So I've made a decision.
I'm going to still report what I eat everyday, and any exercise I may do. I'm going to just do it on this post, in case anyone is interested, but mostly just so I know I have to... then I will be more mindful of what I'm eating and hopefully it will help me not go completely off track again! Today I know I ate more than I would have if I was thinking that I have to come share it!!! If I had thought about how I have to come share all of it, I probably would have eaten less! So I won't be making a separate post for everyday, just adding it all here until I get back to a more normal blogging schedule.

I think this will help me. I am just feeling so overwhelmed lately, and sadly the blog is adding to that... but at the same time I know how important it is and how much it's helped me. This way I can catch up with everyone else's, and still hold myself accountable without feeling the urge to write a 10 page post about all my complaining and yucky feelings :) Even though I know I would get nothing but support from you all :) I just really don't want to dwell on any of it anymore than I have to I guess...
I hope this makes sense!

So I will be here in the mornings when I'm updating my Weight Loss Tracker, with what I ate the day before.
And also any treadmill I get in.
Thanks again everyone. I know this will pass, and I will feel better and be back to myself. I'll see you then!

So Here's What I'm Eating:

Tuesday-
Breakfast: 105
1/4 cup iced coffee, 1 mocha bliss Special K bar
Lunch: 1576 holy crap
Arby's- Italian, and Turkey bacon club $2 subs, 4 mozzarella sticks, water
Snack: 133
6 Hershey kisses
Iced Coffee: 105
Coffee with 3 tbs pumpkin spice creamer, ice
Snack: 43
1 Hershey mint miniature
Dinner: about 670
1 piece of lasagna, 1 piece garlic bread, water
Snack: about 250
1/2 piece of lasagna, water
Total Water: 52 oz
Total Calories: about 2882 (2132+ 1 1/2 pieces of lasagna)
No need to comment lol... I know it's horrible. See? This is what happens when I don't plan on reporting it to anyone! Bleh :(

Wednesday-
Lunch: 1000
2 Pieces of leftover lasagna
Snack: 22
1 Hershey Kiss
Coffee: 70
with 2 tbs pumpkin spice liquid creamer
Iced Coffee: 105
with 3 tbs ps creamer
Snack: 248
4 pickle wraps (while making them)
Snack: 340
4 sugar cookies (while baking them)
Snack: 150
1 decorated/frosted sugar cookie
Total Water: ? not enough, maybe 8 oz
Total Calories: 1935

Thursday: Thanksgiving
Breakfast: 220
Coffee with 2 tbs pumpkin spice creamer and 1 decorated sugar cookie
Snacking throughout the day at Mom's: ?
4 pickle wraps
1 frosted sugar cookie
2 tiny squares of fudge
6 oz whole milk
Thanksgiving Dinner:
Plate 1- 1/2 cup potatoes, 1/4 cup corn, 1/4 cup gravy. About 3 oz turkey, 1/4 cup stuffing, 1/2 cup goop, 1/2 cup macaroni, 6 oz whole milk, water. Plate 2- about 3 oz ham, 1/4 cup stuffing, 1/2 cup macaroni, 1/4 cup goop.
Snack: 1 piece of apple pie with 1/3 cup ice cream, 1 bite of cherry pie
Late night snack: 2 cookies, 1 cup ff skim milk
LATE night snack: chips and cheese (about 12 tortilla chips, shredded mozz, salsa)

Black Friday-
Breakfast: 1 piece leftover lasagna
Snack: 8 oz hot cocoa
Coffee: McDonald's Medium Frappe (declined any food, not hungry)
Dinner: Hot Turkey/pepperoni/pepper jack cheese/jalapeno sandwich. 1/2 cup low fat cottage cheese, 5 baby carrots (no ranch!) water
Snack: 8 tortilla chips with 2 tbs salsa con queso, water
Late Snack: 2 1/2 pickle wraps, water
LATE snack: Cereal- 1 1/2 cup frosted puffed wheat w ff skim milk
LATE/ 3am snack: 1 mini bagel with cream cheese
Total Water: 24 oz
Total Calories: ?

Not Doing So Well... Going to Take a Blog Break

I haven't been on the treadmill once.
I get up every morning with the best intentions, and then loose all motivation.

Yes I'm stressed out. Maybe a little more than usual, but I can't keep letting that throw me off track!

One of the new things piled up on top of everything else, my sons report card. He has always been an A student. Some Bs sometimes... but it's because I stayed right on top of him and reminded him about his homework every day ect. Now that he's in middle school I don't know EVERY thing that is going on. I was so worried that when he started middle school he would have trouble. That it would all overwhelm him...

My son is very smart. Since he was a baby, just SO smart. But he also has a hard time paying attention, and gets side tracked very easily. He forgets what he is/was doing a lot, not just in school work. My Mom said I should check out ADD drugs when he was around 3. I'm like "no mom, he's just being a kid!" Then when he was in 2nd grade his teacher actually told me I might want to think about getting him on some medication... I just couldn't see doing that. He was so young, and doing excellent in school... He is more on the shy side, never caused any trouble... so why would I drug him?

Anyway, a few weeks back I went online for the first time to check his grades. He had As, Bs and a C+. Now a C+ is fine, IF that's the best he could do. But I know he can do better. I made sure he knew that if he didn't bring that grade up before report card time he would be grounded from video games until his NEXT report card, 9 weeks away. He said he could bring it up, and I ask him ALL the time if he has homework and he never does... Now he brings home His report card. Instead of all As and maybe a B or 2, These are his grades: A, A-, B+, B, B-, C+, C-, E.
WTF?
I was SO PISSED. And Yelled at him more than I probably have in his whole life. He DOES have homework, he KNOWS he has to do it, but just didn't. I asked him what he thought was going to happen when he didn't do his homework? He knew I was going to see it, what did he think I would say? "I don't know." Is pretty much all he says. I can't explain how upset I am about this.
And the online "up to date" progress reports I can access daily? What a crock of shit. I thought he would be bringing home 1 C+ because of that. Now that it finally updated, nothing has been added since the 11th. So NOTHING from the new marking period, it still says the grades from his report card... So I can now see all the assignments he missed from LAST marking period. So how am I supposed to stay on top of all his grades/ assignments if they don't update it? I even signed up to receive weekly emails from all his classes, the last 2 weeks were exactly the same! What is the fucking point of getting a weekly email if they don't ever change?!?!?!

So I'm not sure what to do. He is grounded from all video games until his next report card, in 9 weeks. Maybe he does have something like ADD... but more than that, I think he is addicted to video games. Which is of course our fault as parents. Ray's addicted to them, and so is he. I think that more than any kind of ADD, he just would rather play video games or watch netflix. I think that that was more important that doing homework. He has NO problem remembering things he has to get done in his games, or the new achievements he can get on what day... so now I'm hoping he can be just as dedicated to his school work without so many other distractions. I always just kind of let that go, because he really is such a good kid. And always got good grades... but obviously something has to be done.

And I am on his ass. Every day, I'm looking at his planner, and asking what every single thing is, if he got it done. I'll be checking that online thing often, hoping that it will update soon so I can see how he is really doing. I don't really know what else to do. If he still gets bad grades, what then? I guess ask the doctor what they think. (I hate his doctors office, since age 8 we don't go unless absolutely necessary) I really do think No video games will help a lot. He's not even upset as I thought he would be... but really what can he say? I warned him... and he still didn't care enough to do what needed to be done.
Missing a few assignments? Fine. But he didn't bring home ANY homework all marking period, and he had a LOT he was supposed to do. The only thing he brought home everyday was 20 minutes of band practice. Little did I know that she also hands out homework to bring home on TOP of that. (That's the class he got an E in. The class he works the hardest for. He practices that thing everyday, I never dreamed she handed out extra homework on top of that.)  It doesn't matter though, he KNEW he was supposed to be doing this other work. And he just chose not to! I just can't fricken believe that! What was he thinking?!?!
So I want him to do well in school, it is the most important thing on my mind right now. The perfect time for him to get sick right? Yeah. He had to stay home from school today....
I have been sick to my stomach or had a horrible head ache every morning for a while now. Today is the first day I didn't, but now he is sick :(

Anyway, as you can see all this has me very upset. I guess I'm so upset because of the bigger picture. I just want the best for him. I want more for him than I have. Isn't that what every parent wants? And he has always done so well in school, and I just knew that was the ONE thing I didn't have to worry about- his education. But now this changes all that. If I let him he would just play Xbox all day and not care if he failed every class. And straight up lie to me when I ask him about homework... That is hard for me to except.
I just want him to do well in school, go to college, have a job he doesn't hate, live in a nice safe place... I want him to have everything I didn't. And don't.

UGH.

Speaking of wanting what's best for him...
Thanksgiving is only 3 days away. I still haven't talked to my brother. We haven't been over there in 4 months because them all getting high all the time finally just got to be to much for me. They no longer care if my son is there, and don't try to make sure the smoke is kept far away from him anymore. Sure they don't do it in the same room, but it's a tiny ass trailer. Where they used to go in the back, or outside- now it's in the next room or like the last time, the enclosed porch where 5 people open the door to get inside right where my son is and bring all the smoke with them... They just don't care. And I'm fucking sick of it.
Why don't they want whats best for him? Why does his own Grandmother think this is all just fine? Me and her fought about it afterwards. Her saying things like "It's not my house. I only took one hit. I didn't know you cared, you stopped complaining about it." Complete bull shit. While we are not fighting at the moment, just thinking of it makes me so full of rage all over again.
So besides me and her fighting, no one else has said anything. She told me she's not telling my brother (Bear, who's trailer it is, who wasn't even there when I had finally had enough) so he knows nothing about it. But he HAS to have noticed we don't come over anymore right? He is stoned everyday, all day... so maybe not. Anyway, I have to confront him and make sure NO ONE will be getting high while we are there. If they absolutely have to, I need to know they will go outside away from my 12 year old. (Their only nephew, and only grandson that they should be caring about without me forcing them!) So how do I do this without causing a fight? Or getting dis invited from Thanksgiving? Or disowned? Haha. Who knows. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
I figure if I don't make a big deal about it, he won't either? I'm just going to say: "He is not exposed to weed anymore. I just want to make sure that won't be a problem. That you can all wait till we leave to get high, or at least go outside if you CAN'T wait." We'll see what happens. If he does throw a fit? Well, then fuck him. They are pretty much the only family we have left, but at the moment, I don't really care.

So yeah, I guess I am stressed. Once Thanksgiving is over I think I will feel SO much better.

I have bad news about Ray's Mom. She had to call into work last week because her vision was so bad. She went to the doctor and they said she needs surgery, but they can't operate because her sugar is way to high. She has also been having trouble with her feet because of the diabetes, which I just found out about. Ray is in complete denial about how bad it's getting. He just says "Oh it's just her cataracts. She's fine now." I don't argue... but I think it's worse than she is telling us...

Oh, another fun thing...
The townhouse I grew up in, started on fire Saturday. It's in this complex, if I walk 5 steps from my porch I can see it, another 200 and I'm there...
The outside is fine, the inside and everything in it is a loss. The basement is ok I guess.
It was weird to see it, everything black, the blinds melted off the windows, all the firemen... but that's all. Just weird. It's where I grew up, where I brought my son home to when he was born. But I don't have any emotional attachment to it. The whole time I was there I couldn't wait to get out of it.

It just so happens Ray's brothers girlfriend (one of many) lives there. Her and her 3 kids weren't home. The landlord is going to move them into a 2 bedroom until a 3 opens up. Which was really nice, especially seeing it was most likely caused by candles she left burning...
I really feel bad for her though. Now she has lost almost everything. Thankfully she has her family.
She has been through a lot with Ray's brother this last year. She lost their baby, about 6 months ago I think... we attended the memorial service.  He leaves, comes back, leaves... really fucks with her mentally. I love ray's brother, but sometimes he makes me sick... the way he treats women is just awful... I won't go into all of it now, or how many kids he has.... just know I think it's disgusting and sad that he is never going to grow up. And only the women that love him, and all his kids are going to suffer for it.

BUT I have my own problems. I can't worry about her, or her stupid decisions... He's like family, and I can't be thinking of all these silly girls every time I see him. If I do I might end up telling him off one day... that's the last thing I should do right now! haha, like I need his whole family mad at me too. Oh that would be funny though! "Hey you selfish piece of shit. Why don't you grow the fuck up and think about someone else besides yourself for once in your life. How about you go get snipped so you can quit having kids you aren't going to take care of. And for Fucks sake pick a girl and stick with her! Maybe even pick one that has a kid by you already!!" ahh... that would be great huh? I know it would make me feel better ;) But I won't.
Like I said. I got enough problems.
He was here yesterday... had been helping her salvage some stuff from the basement. He found 8 grams of cocaine, and was pretty happy! Who cares her house burnt down, it was his fucking lucky day!
Ugh... do you see the kind of people I'm surrounded by? It's really no wonder I'm depressed...

And yes, I am pretty depressed. Just so tired of everything you know? Struggling everyday and getting no where... Living by the golden rule when no one else does... Ugh, don't get me started! (and no, this so far is not even getting started haha)

Despite everything I had an ok weekend. But now I'm feeling low again.

Me and my son are fine. I'm upset right now writing about it, but I yelled at him about it Friday/Saturday, now I'm done. Now I'm just going to be very strict about it and make sure... he doesn't lie and say he did everything in his planner??? How am I going to do that? Ugh, he better not. He knows I'm checking online now, and hopefully wanting to play his video games in 9 weeks will be enough motivation for him. AND not ever wanting to see me that pissed off ever again!

Tomorrow he will be back in school. I have a very busy day... I'll be bringing him to school, picking up Ray, bringing him to donate plasma, waiting in the parking lit for an hour or more, doing about 5 loads of laundry when I get home, then taking all that to the laundry mat to dry. Then making dinner...
I would love to say I will get back to doing the treadmill tomorrow, but I'm not going to say that. Because I probably won't.

I feel like all I do is complain lately. And this shit has to be depressing to read! So I'm going to take a little time off from my blog. I will come back when I'm a little less stressed and have some good things to write about. I'm thinking after the holiday is over, no later than Monday Ok? I don't want to just keep writing about the bad all the time... it's not any fun. For me, and I'm sure not for you either.

I'll still be here reading yours though! I have to catch up the last couple days of course.

To make sure I don't completely go off the deep end, as far as food again, I am going to make a promise:
I WILL write down everything I eat. It's when I don't, that I really mess up.
I will try to get back on the treadmill, I know it's SO important for my weight loss.
I will update my weight loss tracker every day.

Thanks for all of your support, and I'm sorry I'm so winy lately.

I'm going to take a page out of colenic's book and list some good things in the middle of this chaos.
My middle brother JW got a job today
Ray is getting a LOT more hours because of the Holidays
It was a beautiful 65 degree day out today, even with the storm later and tornado watch :)
Besides this temporary grade set back, I really do have a great son. We have a good relationship, and I'm confident this lying was just a phase (umm... am I in denial? Just let me stay here if I am ok?)
I know Ray loves me
My car is working
I got a surprise birthday card from my best friend
The 3 of us watched Avatar together and it was very nice :)

Again, I'm sorry all I do is complain. I know it could be worse and others have way more problems than I do. I know I will feel better...
Oh, and I should apologise for all the swearing too :) I really don't swear a lot... I guess I swear more when I'm angry or depressed... but rest assured I don't talk to my son like that. He's heard it all form my Mom and brothers, but I've never felt the need to swear in front of kids... Ok, maybe when some idiot almost crashes into me while I'm driving, but that's about it ;)

Ok, Goodnight everybody. I'll be back!