Monday, November 29, 2010

What do YOU think about the New WW?

Have you seen this? Weight Watcher's is getting a point system overhaul, the biggest change in 13 years:

I have never used Weight Watcher's before, but I know a lot of you have, or still do. Dear Margie was a lifetime member... It really seems to work for a lot of people... So when I saw this, I was just wondering what you thought about it.

It seems that fruit will now be 0 points... how many points were they before? Is this a big change?
I hate to admit it, but I think I'm afraid of change. So I thought of all the people that are on this plan, and wondered how it's going over...
Will it make people OVER eat fruit? Oh, I'm sure overeating fruit is a much better alternative than over eating other things (like my pizza!) but is it a possibility? Or is the change ALL GOOD?

I HOPE it's all good, for all of you on the plan. It sounds good, all the newest research and taking into consideration other things besides just calories... Hopefully whatever changes they are making will be for the better! :)
Just curious what my WW buddies out there thought of the whole thing :)

Out with The Old...

Well, now that a couple days have passed... I am a little disappointed in my new camera :(
But it's better than the one I was using! You had to have it pitch black to take a 'good' picture, why? I have no idea. It's hard to get it pitch black, but all of these pictures where taken after I made it as dark as possible in the room. The darker the better they came out, less yellow/lines.
So here's a few I emptied off the old one, the ones that you can actually make out anyway! 
Enjoy :)

See, they love each other! (sometimes...)

And they love me, all the time...

Except on flea medicine day!
This is AFTER I cleaned it up

Don't let her fool you... she is the one who mauled me ;)

This years jack-o-lantern... Or Cat-o-lantern?
I tried to copy one I saw on Anne H's blog :)
That one was much better though!
And I worked so hard
on the little hairs on it's back! lol :)

My Birthday present :)
Lucky Bamboo from Ray and the boy :)
(who is holding it, but I'm not allowed to show- he said so! lol)

Have a great day!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Just This Weeks Food and Exercise


Even if I have nothing to say, or depressed and don't want to write... I think it is very important that I keep track of what I'm eating. So I'm going to keep track of it on this post. I figure that way only when I do a new(real) post, it will show up on the blog rolls... and I'll just update this everyday to show my food and exercise (or lack of). I figure this will get me back on track, without doing a separate post JUST to show what I've eaten every time.
Not that I'm depressed right now! I'm ok :)
We'll see how it works out, I might just do this every week after weigh in.
Since I already had Friday's on that last post of what I was eating, we'll start with yesterday...

Breakfast: 1280
McDonald's- 2 egg McMuffins, 1 large mocha frappe
Snack: 90
Mocha Bliss Special K bar
Dinner: 1375 (estimated)
Salad with ham, light ranch, croutons, mozz cheese. Ordered Florentines- 3 slices pepperoni pizza (one with jalapenos), 2 bread sticks with sauce, 4 oz coke
Total Water: 22 oz
Total Calories: 2635
Fast food... not good. 3 slices? Unacceptable. I would have been ok with 2. I would feel awesome if it was ONE. Didn't eat the crust on 2 1/2 of those slices. The nutrition info is not online, so I used a similar place. Ate salad first so I would eat less, didn't work as you can see! My fault, gotta get back some self control! Not enough water. Got to get back to at least 40 oz per day.
Now with my new plan, and recording what I eat no matter what- I'm sure I'll have less days like this one!!!

Coffee: 70
with 2 tbs pumpkin spice liquid creamer
Lunch: about 460
2 waffles, 1/4 cup syrup and 2 fried eggs, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 80
String cheese stick (mozz)
Snack: 165
1/2 'World's Finest Chocolate' bar
Dinner: about 545
Stuffed Squash (1/2 acorn squash filled with stuffing) with about 1/2 tbs Country Crock, 1 slice whole wheat bread with CC, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 82
1/4 Chocolate bar
Snack: 240
Cereal- 1 cup Special K Vanilla Almond, 1/2 cup rice squares, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 82
1/4 chocolate bar (the last of it)
Snack 1am: 300
1 cup special k with ff skim milk, 1 slice cinnamon raisin bread
Total Water: 42 oz
Total Calories: 2024
The 'about's are because I don't have the box for the waffles, but I estimated them to be 100 each. Also, step Dad made the stuffed squash, but I looked up the squash, stuffing and sausage and hopefully that is close to the right amount. The candy bar I bought when Ray's nephew came to the door selling them for school... I know, I could have just got Ray the kid one, but I got me one too. It was for a good cause! lol :) I know... that's no excuse! Anyway, mine is gone now.
Crunches: 100 (5 sets of 20)

Breakfast: 250
Coffee with 2 tbs pumpkin spice creamer, 1 1/2 slices of cinnamon raisin toast with CC
Lunch: 460
Tuna Sandwich on whole wheat with 1 tbs (store brand) miracle whip, cheddar/pepper jack cheese, jalapenos. 5 baby carrots, 1/2 tbs light ranch. 1 pickle spear (1/4 pickle?) water
Snack: 300
Cereal- 2 cups Special K Vanilla Almond with ff skim milk
Dinner: 1090Romain salad with jalapenos, croutons, cheddar, 1 1/2 tbs light ranch. Pizza Hut- 2 slices medium (14") pepperoni, 1 slice medium pepperoni jalapeno, 1 1/2 bread stick with sauce. Water
Snack 2am: 250
piece of cold pizza
Total Water: 36 oz
Total Calories: 2350
I JUST got done writing that I could go one week without fast food... I told Ray this morning that I had made that commitment. Then I fell asleep around 4, woke up at 7 and still had to make dinner... Ray asked what I wanted from Pizza Hut and I told him "I don't care." Instead of saying "NOTHING!!!" But no excuses, no blame. It was my fault and honestly, just laziness! Even after it got here I kept telling myself, JUST ONE... but no self control... UGH. Now I have let myself down AGAIN, and all of you :(
I WISH I had the motivation or the excitement I did in the beginning... I don't. But I am sick of letting myself down, and feeling like crap. I will try and do better tomorrow... I WILL do better tomorrow.

Snack: 90
Mocha Bliss Special K bar
Lunch: 500
2 slices left over pizza
Snack: 200
Cereal- 1 cup Special K Vanilla Almond w ff skim milk
Dinner: 535
About 4 oz BBQ chicken, 3/4 cup green beans + corn (with salt, pepper and a little bit of ranch seasoning), 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 350
Cereal- 1 1/2 cups Crunchy Granola Raisin Bran with ff skim milk
Total Water: 27 oz
Total Calories: 1675
Better calorie wise... but still not the best choices. As I ate that raisin bran, I thought 'Wow, this is GOOD. Must be a lot of calories.' Then when I looked, I was still surprised! 190 per cup, maybe I'll just let the kid have the rest of that...

Coffee: 140
A little extra coffee, with 4 tbs pumpkin creamer
Breakfast: 140
1 slice whole wheat toast with honey peanut butter
Snack: 80
1/2 cup cottage cheese with a little pepper, water
Lunch: 1150
Arby's $2 toasted subs- Classic Italian and Turkey Club, water
Iced Coffee: 105
Coffee, ice, 3 tbs hazelnut liquid creamer
Dinner: 280
2 cups of Sweet and Sour Chicken (Green Giant frozen meal bag. Frozen veggies, pineapple, sweet&sour sauce. Add my own chicken) 1 cup, then 1 hour later another cup. Water
Snack: 165
2 pieces (1/2) World's Finest Chocolate Almond bar
Total Water: 36 oz
Total Calories: 2060
I really shouldn't have had Arby's at all. But having 2 instead of 1 :( It's because you have to get 2 for $4... but that is NO excuse. Next time Ray is just going to have to eat 1.. or 3! His choice! (I don't plan on there being a next time soon... but you know how that goes with me) I know it was a bad choice. I know I have to do better. I am going to try to do well for the rest of the day and keep those calories under 2000.
I went over by 60 calories, not bad... but if I would have only had ONE sub, that would have saved over 500! Grrr... I know it was stupid. SO stupid. I don't know what gets into me! And you want to know what else??? Ray wants to order pizza! We ALREADY ATE DINNER! I'm trying to talk him out of it, but if he really does... I'm not having any. I promise myself that, and you. It will be SO HARD, and the FIRST TIME EVER I am going to refuse pizza... but I will. Because I am dedicated to getting back on track. I need to get back to losing. I already messed up once today, I'm not going to do it again. I'm fine with 2060 calories, especially with all the exercise I got doing laundry. (Wet laundry is heavy! Had to wash it all, then bring 4 loads to the laundromat)
And tomorrow will be better :)

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Weigh Day? Not Good. Mood? Better.

First let me say hello to Mercy. Thank you for joining me in my day! It hasn't been my normal day for a while now... but hopefully it will be again soon! :)

Now to the weigh in.
Of course it's not good. I didn't get on the treadmill once this week, I ate pretty much whatever I wanted...
So the scale says:
That is a gain of 3.2 pounds
Making my total loss 31.4 pounds

I think my chart shows I had lost 32 pounds or so back in April. APRIL! That is 7 months ago! And I have lost all the work I have done since then. Ugh, that just sucks so bad...

I know what I need to do, and what I should be doing... Why can't I find the motivation?
As you know, I have been stressed out. But that can NOT be an excuse. I need to get on that treadmill no matter what mood I am in. And logic tells me that just the act of walking will make me feel better! It's just so hard to do when I don't want too... But I NEED to.

Now that Thanksgiving is over, I am feeling better. I guess the stress of that, and not even knowing if we were going to spend it with the family- was really weighing on me. Once I finally asked my brother the big question, I felt a huge relief. He didn't come over one night he said he was going to, so I did it the easy way. A text :) I wrote something like "I wanted to talk to you about smoking weed while ****(my son) is there. I was hoping you all could wait till we leave, or if you can't wait, go outside? Is that coo?" and he texted back "Yep, that's fine yo." lol, So it worked out for the best, I didn't make a big deal out of it and he didn't either. Oh, but it could have went SO DIFFERENTLY, and I'm just thankful it didn't.

We had a great Thanksgiving. I hope you all did too! I'm behind in my reading, so I have to play catch up!
I was in charge of making pickle wraps, onion wraps, the night before. Me and my son also decided to decorate cookies :) We had fun. I also made the goop (Green Bean Casserole, except DELICIOUS), and macaroni. All the food was so good. (I have everything I've been eating on the last post.) I had a lot, but honestly I am proud of myself. I really thought about what I wanted, and the 2 plates where 1/2 the size 2 plates would have been last year! And for dessert I had one piece of pie, and one bite of another. Every other year I would have had a piece of each of the 3 kinds! AND THE BIGGEST CHANGE: I didn't bring home any dinner leftovers. Not even of what I made! We do have stuff here to make more pickle wraps, but the 1 cookie for each of us I brought home are gone, and I have not been pigging out on thanksgiving dinner all day! Woo Hoo! Step Dad sent home 1/2 a stuffed squash that I will probably have for lunch tomorrow, but that would have usually been eaten yesterday at Thanksgiving along with the 2 huge plates. I did pretty good for me. Especially since I've been doing SO bad...

This morning I got some exercise, I shopped my FIRST Black Friday. I don't do crowds, but I had to drop Ray at work this year anyway, so I figured I might as well stop at 2 places while I'm out. I got in line at Target, and I swear I was almost at the back of the store. The line went across the whole front, then around to the back. I'm sure it went around again because there where a lot of people that got there after me! I almost went back home. I just knew the camera I wanted would be gone. But after waiting 15 minutes, I got in there and got my camera! AND an external hard drive we have needed for a long time, $60 off! I was so happy! Then I went to Meijer and got everything I needed from there too!!! Some nice pairs of jeans for Ray and the kid 1/2 off. 2 lego starwars sets for the kid for Christmas Buy one Get one 1/2 off, a new cordless phone 14.99 (ours got fried about a month ago), and a big coffee mug for Ray's Birthday. (He will be the big 30, and the mug says so lol) I was home by 5:45am, and it all went so much smoother than I expected! I just really lucked out I think :) I am so relieved! Do you go shopping on Black Friday? How was it for you!?!?! I can't say that I'll make it a habit, but it really did work out very well :) The managers at Meijer were even handing out bottles water to all of us hard shoppers lol :) So nice of  them.

This morning after I went to bed and woke back up later, it was like Christmas! lol. Opening up my camera, phone, ray hooking up the hard drive... I haven't had so many presents since I was a kid haha :)
On top of the $150 gift card I got from Happy Fun Pant's Review Blog, I also got a $50 gift card from my best friend (who hasn't even sent me a card since she moved 6 years ago! Such a great surprise!) and then at Thanksgiving my middle brother gave me a card and $50! I've never had Birthday money like this before. And any money  I ever do get I have ALWAYS spent on Christmas presents, or bills. But I REALLY needed a camera. I swear not having one that works has added to my depression. I LOVE taking pictures, I think it is great therapy, and now I have a camera that works! Its a tiny little thing. Metallic Red, Nikon Coolpix. $79. I really like it :) So anyway, I got stuff we really needed, at great prices and I am happy :)

Of course some of that money was already spent on food for thanksgiving and other things we needed. Like getting drunk last Saturday night. That was actually in the instructions from my best Friend! lol. Ray and I had some drinks and had a good night. Played Guitar Hero, and kicked ass :) lol, at least I think I was doing pretty good! It's funny, I only have the urge to play that game when I'm drunk... and now I won't play it for another 6 months I'm sure, and I'll be awesome at it then too! haha. (or will think so anyway)

So yes, my mood has been ALL OVER the place. I had a great birthday this year, even though it was in the middle of all this stress and gaining all this weight back. Halloween and Thanksgiving proved to be more than I could handle as far as my eating. But now I really do feel better. Not GREAT, but so much better.

I am determined to get on the treadmill and do my 5 miles this week. I didn't do it today, but I have 6 days left. I did start off the new week on a better note though :)
Crunches: 100 (5 sets of 20) 

As far as blogging, I would really like to record my previous days food every morning when I update my weight loss tracker. And keep up to date on everyone else's blogs. So that's my goal. I still feel a little overwhelmed with all that... I really have to shorten my blog role :(  

Oh, speaking of goals! As you may know, I had set the goal of loosing 50 lbs in 2010. It was SO achievable when I set it... but now since I keep gaining, I'm not going to be able to do it. So I'm not going to concentrate on that, But am going to do my best to loose as much as I can by the new year!

I'll at least be here to update my eating and weight loss tracker daily, and for sure do a real post for Friday weigh ins! I really want to be able to read everyone's blogs daily too. SO That's the plan... but lately my plan changes with my mood, like 5 times per day ;)
But this should work :) 

What I really need to do is get back on a schedule! Ever since I got the car back (which I am SO VERY grateful for) I have been bringing Ray to work and my sleep is all off. I think I really started getting depressed after I got the car back... that HAS to be why! I was on a good schedule, was used to getting a nice chunk of sleep... and now it's back to these weird hours, and I am not getting used to it! I HAVE to get on a schedule. I think I will feel so much better, and be able to cope with things so much better...

Alright, I'm done rambling now :) I'll see you later! Hugs and Take Care!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Still Going to Take a Little Break, BUT... Here's What I'm Eating!

I don't want to gain back more weight than I already have!

Miss Verity Vaudeville left a comment yesterday, asking if it was wise to distance myself... and she is right! The 2 weeks I was away I fell completely off track and am having so much trouble getting back on! I have gained about 10 pounds since before that 2 weeks... I don't want to gain another 10! If I stay completely away, I might just do that!

I need a little break, a break from writing all the depressing things that are my life right now. A break from thinking about it any more than I have to! BUT I don't want this to be a break that lets me eat everything in sight. And I'm afraid if I don't feel accountable to anyone, I will!

Thank you all for your support, and understanding my need for a little break... and I'm going to be taking that break, while not completely forgetting about my weight loss journey.

So I've made a decision.
I'm going to still report what I eat everyday, and any exercise I may do. I'm going to just do it on this post, in case anyone is interested, but mostly just so I know I have to... then I will be more mindful of what I'm eating and hopefully it will help me not go completely off track again! Today I know I ate more than I would have if I was thinking that I have to come share it!!! If I had thought about how I have to come share all of it, I probably would have eaten less! So I won't be making a separate post for everyday, just adding it all here until I get back to a more normal blogging schedule.

I think this will help me. I am just feeling so overwhelmed lately, and sadly the blog is adding to that... but at the same time I know how important it is and how much it's helped me. This way I can catch up with everyone else's, and still hold myself accountable without feeling the urge to write a 10 page post about all my complaining and yucky feelings :) Even though I know I would get nothing but support from you all :) I just really don't want to dwell on any of it anymore than I have to I guess...
I hope this makes sense!

So I will be here in the mornings when I'm updating my Weight Loss Tracker, with what I ate the day before.
And also any treadmill I get in.
Thanks again everyone. I know this will pass, and I will feel better and be back to myself. I'll see you then!

So Here's What I'm Eating:

Breakfast: 105
1/4 cup iced coffee, 1 mocha bliss Special K bar
Lunch: 1576 holy crap
Arby's- Italian, and Turkey bacon club $2 subs, 4 mozzarella sticks, water
Snack: 133
6 Hershey kisses
Iced Coffee: 105
Coffee with 3 tbs pumpkin spice creamer, ice
Snack: 43
1 Hershey mint miniature
Dinner: about 670
1 piece of lasagna, 1 piece garlic bread, water
Snack: about 250
1/2 piece of lasagna, water
Total Water: 52 oz
Total Calories: about 2882 (2132+ 1 1/2 pieces of lasagna)
No need to comment lol... I know it's horrible. See? This is what happens when I don't plan on reporting it to anyone! Bleh :(

Lunch: 1000
2 Pieces of leftover lasagna
Snack: 22
1 Hershey Kiss
Coffee: 70
with 2 tbs pumpkin spice liquid creamer
Iced Coffee: 105
with 3 tbs ps creamer
Snack: 248
4 pickle wraps (while making them)
Snack: 340
4 sugar cookies (while baking them)
Snack: 150
1 decorated/frosted sugar cookie
Total Water: ? not enough, maybe 8 oz
Total Calories: 1935

Thursday: Thanksgiving
Breakfast: 220
Coffee with 2 tbs pumpkin spice creamer and 1 decorated sugar cookie
Snacking throughout the day at Mom's: ?
4 pickle wraps
1 frosted sugar cookie
2 tiny squares of fudge
6 oz whole milk
Thanksgiving Dinner:
Plate 1- 1/2 cup potatoes, 1/4 cup corn, 1/4 cup gravy. About 3 oz turkey, 1/4 cup stuffing, 1/2 cup goop, 1/2 cup macaroni, 6 oz whole milk, water. Plate 2- about 3 oz ham, 1/4 cup stuffing, 1/2 cup macaroni, 1/4 cup goop.
Snack: 1 piece of apple pie with 1/3 cup ice cream, 1 bite of cherry pie
Late night snack: 2 cookies, 1 cup ff skim milk
LATE night snack: chips and cheese (about 12 tortilla chips, shredded mozz, salsa)

Black Friday-
Breakfast: 1 piece leftover lasagna
Snack: 8 oz hot cocoa
Coffee: McDonald's Medium Frappe (declined any food, not hungry)
Dinner: Hot Turkey/pepperoni/pepper jack cheese/jalapeno sandwich. 1/2 cup low fat cottage cheese, 5 baby carrots (no ranch!) water
Snack: 8 tortilla chips with 2 tbs salsa con queso, water
Late Snack: 2 1/2 pickle wraps, water
LATE snack: Cereal- 1 1/2 cup frosted puffed wheat w ff skim milk
LATE/ 3am snack: 1 mini bagel with cream cheese
Total Water: 24 oz
Total Calories: ?

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Not Doing So Well... Going to Take a Blog Break

I haven't been on the treadmill once.
I get up every morning with the best intentions, and then loose all motivation.

Yes I'm stressed out. Maybe a little more than usual, but I can't keep letting that throw me off track!

One of the new things piled up on top of everything else, my sons report card. He has always been an A student. Some Bs sometimes... but it's because I stayed right on top of him and reminded him about his homework every day ect. Now that he's in middle school I don't know EVERY thing that is going on. I was so worried that when he started middle school he would have trouble. That it would all overwhelm him...

My son is very smart. Since he was a baby, just SO smart. But he also has a hard time paying attention, and gets side tracked very easily. He forgets what he is/was doing a lot, not just in school work. My Mom said I should check out ADD drugs when he was around 3. I'm like "no mom, he's just being a kid!" Then when he was in 2nd grade his teacher actually told me I might want to think about getting him on some medication... I just couldn't see doing that. He was so young, and doing excellent in school... He is more on the shy side, never caused any trouble... so why would I drug him?

Anyway, a few weeks back I went online for the first time to check his grades. He had As, Bs and a C+. Now a C+ is fine, IF that's the best he could do. But I know he can do better. I made sure he knew that if he didn't bring that grade up before report card time he would be grounded from video games until his NEXT report card, 9 weeks away. He said he could bring it up, and I ask him ALL the time if he has homework and he never does... Now he brings home His report card. Instead of all As and maybe a B or 2, These are his grades: A, A-, B+, B, B-, C+, C-, E.
I was SO PISSED. And Yelled at him more than I probably have in his whole life. He DOES have homework, he KNOWS he has to do it, but just didn't. I asked him what he thought was going to happen when he didn't do his homework? He knew I was going to see it, what did he think I would say? "I don't know." Is pretty much all he says. I can't explain how upset I am about this.
And the online "up to date" progress reports I can access daily? What a crock of shit. I thought he would be bringing home 1 C+ because of that. Now that it finally updated, nothing has been added since the 11th. So NOTHING from the new marking period, it still says the grades from his report card... So I can now see all the assignments he missed from LAST marking period. So how am I supposed to stay on top of all his grades/ assignments if they don't update it? I even signed up to receive weekly emails from all his classes, the last 2 weeks were exactly the same! What is the fucking point of getting a weekly email if they don't ever change?!?!?!

So I'm not sure what to do. He is grounded from all video games until his next report card, in 9 weeks. Maybe he does have something like ADD... but more than that, I think he is addicted to video games. Which is of course our fault as parents. Ray's addicted to them, and so is he. I think that more than any kind of ADD, he just would rather play video games or watch netflix. I think that that was more important that doing homework. He has NO problem remembering things he has to get done in his games, or the new achievements he can get on what day... so now I'm hoping he can be just as dedicated to his school work without so many other distractions. I always just kind of let that go, because he really is such a good kid. And always got good grades... but obviously something has to be done.

And I am on his ass. Every day, I'm looking at his planner, and asking what every single thing is, if he got it done. I'll be checking that online thing often, hoping that it will update soon so I can see how he is really doing. I don't really know what else to do. If he still gets bad grades, what then? I guess ask the doctor what they think. (I hate his doctors office, since age 8 we don't go unless absolutely necessary) I really do think No video games will help a lot. He's not even upset as I thought he would be... but really what can he say? I warned him... and he still didn't care enough to do what needed to be done.
Missing a few assignments? Fine. But he didn't bring home ANY homework all marking period, and he had a LOT he was supposed to do. The only thing he brought home everyday was 20 minutes of band practice. Little did I know that she also hands out homework to bring home on TOP of that. (That's the class he got an E in. The class he works the hardest for. He practices that thing everyday, I never dreamed she handed out extra homework on top of that.)  It doesn't matter though, he KNEW he was supposed to be doing this other work. And he just chose not to! I just can't fricken believe that! What was he thinking?!?!
So I want him to do well in school, it is the most important thing on my mind right now. The perfect time for him to get sick right? Yeah. He had to stay home from school today....
I have been sick to my stomach or had a horrible head ache every morning for a while now. Today is the first day I didn't, but now he is sick :(

Anyway, as you can see all this has me very upset. I guess I'm so upset because of the bigger picture. I just want the best for him. I want more for him than I have. Isn't that what every parent wants? And he has always done so well in school, and I just knew that was the ONE thing I didn't have to worry about- his education. But now this changes all that. If I let him he would just play Xbox all day and not care if he failed every class. And straight up lie to me when I ask him about homework... That is hard for me to except.
I just want him to do well in school, go to college, have a job he doesn't hate, live in a nice safe place... I want him to have everything I didn't. And don't.


Speaking of wanting what's best for him...
Thanksgiving is only 3 days away. I still haven't talked to my brother. We haven't been over there in 4 months because them all getting high all the time finally just got to be to much for me. They no longer care if my son is there, and don't try to make sure the smoke is kept far away from him anymore. Sure they don't do it in the same room, but it's a tiny ass trailer. Where they used to go in the back, or outside- now it's in the next room or like the last time, the enclosed porch where 5 people open the door to get inside right where my son is and bring all the smoke with them... They just don't care. And I'm fucking sick of it.
Why don't they want whats best for him? Why does his own Grandmother think this is all just fine? Me and her fought about it afterwards. Her saying things like "It's not my house. I only took one hit. I didn't know you cared, you stopped complaining about it." Complete bull shit. While we are not fighting at the moment, just thinking of it makes me so full of rage all over again.
So besides me and her fighting, no one else has said anything. She told me she's not telling my brother (Bear, who's trailer it is, who wasn't even there when I had finally had enough) so he knows nothing about it. But he HAS to have noticed we don't come over anymore right? He is stoned everyday, all day... so maybe not. Anyway, I have to confront him and make sure NO ONE will be getting high while we are there. If they absolutely have to, I need to know they will go outside away from my 12 year old. (Their only nephew, and only grandson that they should be caring about without me forcing them!) So how do I do this without causing a fight? Or getting dis invited from Thanksgiving? Or disowned? Haha. Who knows. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
I figure if I don't make a big deal about it, he won't either? I'm just going to say: "He is not exposed to weed anymore. I just want to make sure that won't be a problem. That you can all wait till we leave to get high, or at least go outside if you CAN'T wait." We'll see what happens. If he does throw a fit? Well, then fuck him. They are pretty much the only family we have left, but at the moment, I don't really care.

So yeah, I guess I am stressed. Once Thanksgiving is over I think I will feel SO much better.

I have bad news about Ray's Mom. She had to call into work last week because her vision was so bad. She went to the doctor and they said she needs surgery, but they can't operate because her sugar is way to high. She has also been having trouble with her feet because of the diabetes, which I just found out about. Ray is in complete denial about how bad it's getting. He just says "Oh it's just her cataracts. She's fine now." I don't argue... but I think it's worse than she is telling us...

Oh, another fun thing...
The townhouse I grew up in, started on fire Saturday. It's in this complex, if I walk 5 steps from my porch I can see it, another 200 and I'm there...
The outside is fine, the inside and everything in it is a loss. The basement is ok I guess.
It was weird to see it, everything black, the blinds melted off the windows, all the firemen... but that's all. Just weird. It's where I grew up, where I brought my son home to when he was born. But I don't have any emotional attachment to it. The whole time I was there I couldn't wait to get out of it.

It just so happens Ray's brothers girlfriend (one of many) lives there. Her and her 3 kids weren't home. The landlord is going to move them into a 2 bedroom until a 3 opens up. Which was really nice, especially seeing it was most likely caused by candles she left burning...
I really feel bad for her though. Now she has lost almost everything. Thankfully she has her family.
She has been through a lot with Ray's brother this last year. She lost their baby, about 6 months ago I think... we attended the memorial service.  He leaves, comes back, leaves... really fucks with her mentally. I love ray's brother, but sometimes he makes me sick... the way he treats women is just awful... I won't go into all of it now, or how many kids he has.... just know I think it's disgusting and sad that he is never going to grow up. And only the women that love him, and all his kids are going to suffer for it.

BUT I have my own problems. I can't worry about her, or her stupid decisions... He's like family, and I can't be thinking of all these silly girls every time I see him. If I do I might end up telling him off one day... that's the last thing I should do right now! haha, like I need his whole family mad at me too. Oh that would be funny though! "Hey you selfish piece of shit. Why don't you grow the fuck up and think about someone else besides yourself for once in your life. How about you go get snipped so you can quit having kids you aren't going to take care of. And for Fucks sake pick a girl and stick with her! Maybe even pick one that has a kid by you already!!" ahh... that would be great huh? I know it would make me feel better ;) But I won't.
Like I said. I got enough problems.
He was here yesterday... had been helping her salvage some stuff from the basement. He found 8 grams of cocaine, and was pretty happy! Who cares her house burnt down, it was his fucking lucky day!
Ugh... do you see the kind of people I'm surrounded by? It's really no wonder I'm depressed...

And yes, I am pretty depressed. Just so tired of everything you know? Struggling everyday and getting no where... Living by the golden rule when no one else does... Ugh, don't get me started! (and no, this so far is not even getting started haha)

Despite everything I had an ok weekend. But now I'm feeling low again.

Me and my son are fine. I'm upset right now writing about it, but I yelled at him about it Friday/Saturday, now I'm done. Now I'm just going to be very strict about it and make sure... he doesn't lie and say he did everything in his planner??? How am I going to do that? Ugh, he better not. He knows I'm checking online now, and hopefully wanting to play his video games in 9 weeks will be enough motivation for him. AND not ever wanting to see me that pissed off ever again!

Tomorrow he will be back in school. I have a very busy day... I'll be bringing him to school, picking up Ray, bringing him to donate plasma, waiting in the parking lit for an hour or more, doing about 5 loads of laundry when I get home, then taking all that to the laundry mat to dry. Then making dinner...
I would love to say I will get back to doing the treadmill tomorrow, but I'm not going to say that. Because I probably won't.

I feel like all I do is complain lately. And this shit has to be depressing to read! So I'm going to take a little time off from my blog. I will come back when I'm a little less stressed and have some good things to write about. I'm thinking after the holiday is over, no later than Monday Ok? I don't want to just keep writing about the bad all the time... it's not any fun. For me, and I'm sure not for you either.

I'll still be here reading yours though! I have to catch up the last couple days of course.

To make sure I don't completely go off the deep end, as far as food again, I am going to make a promise:
I WILL write down everything I eat. It's when I don't, that I really mess up.
I will try to get back on the treadmill, I know it's SO important for my weight loss.
I will update my weight loss tracker every day.

Thanks for all of your support, and I'm sorry I'm so winy lately.

I'm going to take a page out of colenic's book and list some good things in the middle of this chaos.
My middle brother JW got a job today
Ray is getting a LOT more hours because of the Holidays
It was a beautiful 65 degree day out today, even with the storm later and tornado watch :)
Besides this temporary grade set back, I really do have a great son. We have a good relationship, and I'm confident this lying was just a phase (umm... am I in denial? Just let me stay here if I am ok?)
I know Ray loves me
My car is working
I got a surprise birthday card from my best friend
The 3 of us watched Avatar together and it was very nice :)

Again, I'm sorry all I do is complain. I know it could be worse and others have way more problems than I do. I know I will feel better...
Oh, and I should apologise for all the swearing too :) I really don't swear a lot... I guess I swear more when I'm angry or depressed... but rest assured I don't talk to my son like that. He's heard it all form my Mom and brothers, but I've never felt the need to swear in front of kids... Ok, maybe when some idiot almost crashes into me while I'm driving, but that's about it ;)

Ok, Goodnight everybody. I'll be back!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Friday's Food Disaster

It seems to me that EVERY Friday after weigh in, I never do well with food. Maybe it's the relief and knowing I have a whole week ahead to fix whatever damage I do? I don't know, but being Friday AND coming off my birthday both probably contributed to this disaster of a day.
I started off ok, I felt nauseous a lot of the day and wasn't really hungry... So all I had was vegetables for dinner. I was feeling ok with my day.
Then I started feeling better, FINALLY at about 8pm. And the munchies kicked in...
No excuses though, I could have used a little will power... could have made better choices! There is no reasonable explanation to why I would eat all this.
So lets get this out of the way and move on:

Yesterday's Food:
Coffee: 50
1/2 cup with 1 1/2 tbs pumpkin spice creamer
Lunch: 590
4 hard shell tacos, 1 bite of rice, 1 bite of beans
Iced Coffee: 55
1/2 cup with 1 1/2 creamer
Dinner: 55
1 1/2 cup boiled veggies (frozen mix- broccoli, cauliflower, carrots) with 1/2 tbs parmesan
Then came the snacking :( Binging is more like it...
1 slice of cinnamon raisin bread: 80
1 slice of cinnamon raisin toast with 1/2 tbs cc: 110
1 mini bagel with cream cheese and 8 pepperonis: 340
Veggie chips with cheese and salsa: 250
1 piece of cake:? 1/2 cup ice cream: 130
White Cheddar Cheez its: about 150
1 werthers: 23
This was all between 8pm and about midnight... Why? I really don't know, I have no idea. But even for those 2 weeks I was gone I didn't do this! I over ate a lot at meals, and I did snack a lot... but to just eat one thing after another, a whole new snack every 20 minutes... I am so disappointed in myself.

I am glad I got that out of the way. Even though it is HORRIBLE, I'm glad I got recorded it. Seeing it makes me have to face how out of control I got, and how easy it would be to just do that every day... to gain all my weight back- and then some! Those 2 weeks and this are set backs...
I have really been letting myself down lately... and in doing that, I also feel like I'm letting down those of you who support me... and I feel bad about that :(

I'm glad I got this all down and over with. I'm not going to dwell on it. just try to move forward.

Right Now, surprisingly, I feel great.
I have 6 days left till my next Friday weigh in and I still believe I can loose the 2.6 pounds if I really put my mind to it. My mind is to it right now, I guess the struggle is KEEPING it there.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Weigh In- Not a Good Idea the Day After your Birthday!

And the scale says...
A loss of 1.4 pounds this week,
making my Total Loss 34.6 pounds.

Treadmill Totals:
2 hours 11 minutes
5.04 miles Woo Hoo!

You know me, I'm happy with a loss. ANY loss. This week is different though, I really should have lost more. I just came back from a big gain from those 2 weeks I was MIA, and I expected a good number. That's what I get for eating like I did for my birthday though.

The main reason I'm not happy with that though, is because of my goal to loose 50 pounds Total by New years... and this isn't going to do it! I was supposed to loose 2.4 pounds this week... so I missed that goal. ugh.
Now I have only 6 weeks left, and 15.4 pounds to loose! That is about 2.6 pounds per week! I think I can do it if I really get ahold of my eating, and stick with the treadmill! I'll do at least 5 miles per week. While I'm disappointed in today's number (that is the FIRST time I have said that about a loss people! Now you know why I'm not a fan of weight goals LOL) I am still motivated and still going to do my best to meet my new goal!!!
Hopefully next week will be great :)

I did make my 5 mile goal though! 5 miles per week is definitely doable for me, and I am going to make sure I get at least 5 miles in from now on!

I woke up with a head ache today, and slept most of the morning and early afternoon. Every day I wake up and feel sick, or have a head ache :( This has been going on for a week now. I'm starting to get tired of it! Hopefully I'm not going to get sick, my son was complaining about a sore throat today... We hardly ever get sick, so I'm still hoping whatever it is will pass us by! Also, I was thinking it could be caffeine. I haven't been consistent with my coffee, sometimes one, sometimes two... maybe that's it? I don't know.

But today was fine other than that.

2 of my brothers came by, the youngest Bear and the oldest JW and their friend N (like a little brother to me.) Bear got me a present after I told him not to! I guess he planned on taking me to lunch, but when I didn't answer my phone all morning he ended up buying me the Avatar movie set. It's the new one with all that extra junk on it. It's heavy lol. He loves to get me stuff he wants, but I actually saw commercials for it and  thought it looked pretty cool. All the behind the scenes footage and what not. Besides, I was going to get it for my son for Christmas- now I don't have too! HE is very happy about my gift :) We were going to watch it tonight, but I feel yucky and might go to bed soon. But for sure tomorrow!
I tried to unload some of this cake on them!!! But they were on their way out to eat, so only Bear had some. Me? I ended up with 2 slices today.... bleh.

I'll come back in the morning with a full report on my food. It isn't great :( 
(Oh, late last night I had a bowl of cereal, which I will add to yesterdays record)

Alright, going to try and catch some blogs... a problem I'm going to have to do something about soon! I have to many that I read... but it's so hard to choose any to let go!!!! What's a girl to do?!?!?!?!

Have a great night :)

Thursday, November 18, 2010

A Good Birthday... Crack, Cake, and Suprises!

Lets start with yesterday.
Here's the damage:
Breakfast @5am: 725
3/4 cup crab salad, 8 club crackers, water
Lunch: 394
Tuna Sandwich on whole wheat with 1 tbs 'miracle whip', 1/8 cup cheddar, jalapenos. 5 baby carrots, 1 tbs light ranch, water.
Iced Coffee: 105
with 3 tbs pumpkin spice creamer
Dinner: 1107
2 double Decker style tacos, one hard shell taco, 1/2 cup beans, 1/2 cup of my quick Spanish rice, 1 cup milk.
Iced Coffee: 235
Iced coffee with 3 tbs hazelnut creamer and 1/2 cup french silk ice cream.
Total Water: about 15 oz
Total Calories: 2331
Yeah, not good I know.
The early breakfast was because I had went shopping after dropping Ray at work and was starving when I got home. Could I have chosen better? OF COURSE, but it's my birthday and I'm not going to concentrate on the bad lol. Let's concentrate on the good: While I was shopping I saw the cutest little bamboo set up in a little vase that would go PERFECT in my living room. But money is tight, and I didn't want anything for my birthday.

But then Ray asked me last night what I wanted, and I told him... "WELL, I did see something at the store this morning..." So at about midnight last night (after he had a nap and I had iced coffee) we went to get it. He thought he knew what it was, HA! So I let him lead the way to the middle of the store to a sweater I had commented on about a week ago. NOPE, the bamboo I wanted was half the price of that thing lol. But I love that he wanted to get it for me :) So we started walking... and stopped. He thought about it... and had NO idea :) I told him he can ask if he's hot or cold if he wanted... :) COLD.
This went on for about 10- 15 minutes! HAHA! Now remember it's midnight, and there was hardly anyone there... I'm hopped up on coffee, it's my birthday, and I'm playing "Hot or Cold" in the middle of a Super Store. HAHA! I could not quit grinning! And we would go... then stop... then turn... then go... then stop... and all I could think of, is the bored security guard watching the surveillance video in the back room. HAHAHA!!! He must have been thinking; WTF ARE THEY DOING? And maybe show his buddy these 2 people walking, stopping, turning, walking... the tall dark intimidating man with his hood on, walking around with this short girl who has a huge grin on her face and keeps laughing.... and I imagine him saying- YEP, they're on crack." HAHAHA! So I laughed even MORE! HAHAHAHA!
We finally ended up at the display with the different plants in little vases. He touched 2 before getting the right one... :) So it all ended well, and no one came out to investigate us :)
(But can you imagine, after all that, watching us buy a little bamboo plant and leaving??? They probably thought we were going to go try and smoke it!!! HAHAHAHAHA!)
So this was a GREAT way to start off my birthday. Hands down the best time I've ever had in that store haha!!! Shoot- in ANY store!!!

My scale was even nice to me today! This morning I was down 2.4 pounds from yesterday!!! After my eating? After taco night???? HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE??? For real don't ask me cause I have NO idea. I did get some walking in, playing reindeer games with Ray at the store lol, but still!

Today Ray surprise me buy telling me he called this place and we need ot go drop off my necklace to get fixed. It's a gold/diamond heart necklace he bought me years ago, and I always wore it until this year when it broke. We went and it only came up to $10.70! Wish I would have known it was that cheap before!

Then we went to eat at this awesome pizza place we just recently discovered. They have a $5 lunch buffet... not the best time to discover this, but man is it good! I don't know how they can only charge $5, it's awesome.

So lets get what I ate today out of the way:
Lunch: ?
At the Buffet- The best Salad (with ham, cheese, croutons, ranch) 3 slices of pizza, (1 ham and olive, 1 pepperoni and mushroom, 1 Vegetarian- Spinach, mushroom, tomato) 1 small bread stick, 3 mozzarella sticks, 2 brownies, water
Snack: ?
Small piece of cake, 1/2 cup French Silk ice cream (130 calories)
Iced Coffee: 105
with 3 tbs pumpkin spice creamer
Total Water: 27 oz

I know, Lunch was BAD. I even indulged in 2 of the brownies (the best brownies EVER). I planned on not eating anything for the rest of the day. And I figured those 2 brownies were better than having a cake at home and eating it for days!

My son got home and Ray secretly had him sign the card on the bamboo and acted like I didn't know about it :) They both came in with it and told me Happy Birthday! I love them :)

Then I got a huge surprise!
You may remember a couple months ago I won over at Happy Fun Pant's Review Blog... well it came TODAY! $150 visa gift card!!!!! It was even in a colorful Birthday like card! Of all the days it came on my Birthday! Woo Hoo!!!! I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it yet.... I REALLY need a camera... and black Friday is just around the corner.... ;)

Then another surprise. My Mom and Jeff came... with CAKE. She made me a whole cake. I didn't hide my 'what the hell' face. She said "Oh, you don't really need a cake do ya haha." Oh well. I don't think she is trying to sabotage me, I think she was trying to be nice :) She even brought frosting and food coloring for my son to help her decorate it. So I didn't use that face anymore lol. I only had a little piece, so it all worked out nice. (But now I have 3/4 of a cake sitting here!)

I also got a call from 2 of my brothers, and a text from my middle brother :) And a (slightly wierd) card sent from my Dad and Stepmom.

I still had 2 miles to do to make my 5 mile goal by tomorrow. I told Ray "Who wants to go on the treadmill on thier birthday?" and then I smiled and said... wait for it... "But I guess getting healthy is the best gift I could give myself." Haha, and I tilted my head and smiled! The cornyness was hilarious :)
But it's true right?
SO I did TWO miles, that's double what I have been doing. I did it in two shots, with an hour break between.
38 minutes/ 1.51 miles
14 minutes/ .50 mile, 2 lb weights for 5 minutes
I put the incline to 0 cause I knew it would be hard. But I DID it :)

And that's my birthday. I didn't plan on anything at all, but I got all these surprises :) It really was a great birthday. :)

Ray is getting a lot of extra hours because of the Holidays, so that's really good news. So instead of him having to be there at 4, he has to be there in about 15 minutes. So I gotta go!

Have a great night! :)

Grandmother Update

WELL, I feel bad for saying I don't care what happens to her. I still feel I will be fine no matter what happens, but I also know that I do care. I hope she recovers well. I guess I'm still angry about everything that has happened, and I was feeling that yesterday.
She is still at the hospital, I guess she got pretty sick today. I don't know what all drugs she is on, but that may be why. I do know that she is on morphine and feeling no pain.
My Mom called her and she said she sounded ok. Until the end she said "I really don't like this." My Mom said "What, being in the hospital?" Grandmother replied, "All of it. I don't like any of this..." and then she told my Mom, "Things will get better." Mom thinks she means the whole family situation. Maybe she does, but I don't see how it could get better...
I said yesterday that I hope my sons card makes her feel like shit... I feel bad about saying that now.
My Great Aunt did go see her, but she didn't let me know if she gave her the card. Maybe she did? And maybe it made her think about things? I don't know.

I still don't want anything to do with her, but if somehow things could get better and my Mom could have her mother back... that would be great. But with everything that's happened I just don't see how that is possible. Sherry will always be there, and I doubt she will ever have anything to do with Mom (he sister) even though my mother did NOTHING to her. (I know there is 3 sides to every story, but I'm serious. NOTHING) Sherry is delusional, among other things. But most of all she is SPOILED and SELFISH. That's pretty much the reasons behind everything.

Anyway. I just wanted to make sure you know I don't wish her any ill will... But I'm not going to loose any sleep over this. I'll let you know how everything turns out.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Grandmama Drama, and Catch Up

Hello! First let me say hi to a couple new 'followers.' To Bouncin Barb and Pengu, Thank you for joining me in my day!

Sorry I've been gone a few days again. I still am a little down I guess, but I am doing ok :) I have just been sleeping a lot. A LOT. So I haven't had time to write. I actually went to bed at 9 Monday night! Crazy right? Then when I get up in the morning, every day it seems I don't feel good :( I thought something had passed me by and I lucked out since I only felt feverish one day... but I don't know. I hardly ever get sick, so I'm hoping it passes without much hassle!

My computer is all fixed, so that's good :)

Not much new here.

My Grandmother's surgery is today. It's major surgery, very dangerous I hear. The top two vertebrae in her spine are completely gone. I guess she's been doing pretty bad. This is all news to me this last week, since my mother tells me NOTHING important. I guess she cries all the time because of the pain, and has fallen a lot lately because she can't hardly use her legs...
Now, I don't really feel anything about it. At first I was stressed and worried a little... but now? I really don't care. It may sound cold, but she has put my family through so much... she is no longer the grandmother we all knew and loved. That person was gone WAY before any of this started happening.
Without getting into everything that happened, the quick version is this: 3 years ago her spoiled selfish daughter finally convinced my grandmother to ban me from her house. Then to disown me, my mother (her other daughter!) my brothers, even her own sister. It was ridiculous. I mean, the stuff you see on talk shows, NOT in real life... NOT in MY family! It was all devastating... I loved my grandmother. I would have done anything for her. She was the one person in the world I knew would always be there for me. Then she changed...
It took a while but now my grandmother and her sister (my great Aunt) are back to being best friends. Even my mother talks to her now... kind of. She brought up about 6 months ago "I wish I could come see you sometimes." Her mother said "That's between you and Sherry (the spoiled bitch)." That right there shows ME that nothing has changed. Sherry still runs her life and her house. Sherry is still number one no matter what. So I really gave up any hope of ever having any kind of relationship with her. I haven't seen her in 3 years, since she hung up on me after disowning me.
Now to the present.
I had been stressing about this surgery. Should I send a card at least? But I decided that would be pointless. I already morned the loss of my Gramma 3 years ago, and she is not the same person anymore. This woman is NOT her. So what would be the point? There isn't one.
So last night my mother called her, (can't go see her cause she's not allowed- Sherry says so) and it's the last conversation Mom is going to have with her mother before this life threatening surgery. My grandmother could have said anything. She could have said she was sorry for disowning her. Or sorry for calling her and her family names, or sorry for letting Sherry take over her life and push everyone else out... but no. She tells my Mom "I just can't forget the horrible names you called me." My Mom did go off on her, AFTER everything else. Because my Grandmother had called her and hurt her more than she'd ever been hurt in her life... So my Mom apologizes for the things she said. Does Grandmother? Of course not. She finally says, "well I guess we should just let all this go." And of course my Mom is fine with this. So they are fine. Mom will be happy just seeing her once in a while (when they both visit my Great Aunt who lives close by.) Never being able to just call, or come over. Never being important again, now that Sherry rules everything. In fact, when my grandmother told my Great Aunt to tell my mother what time her surgery was, she said "But don't let Sherry know we told her, because I don't want her stressed out before surgery." wtf?
Grandmother thinks she is being the bigger person for 'letting it go' because she thinks she has done no wrong. I know for a fact that whatever Sherry decided is the version of what happened, has been pumped into Grandmothers brain for 3 years and she probably doesn't even know half of what really went on! But whatever.
I won't get in the way of my mother and her mother... but ME? I will not put up with that shit. People say life is to short to hold a grudge or not forgive someone. I say life is to short to allow people into your life that will turn on you at the drop of a hat. To give your heart to people that will stomp all over it. My mother will most likely be hurt in the future by her. I will not go down that road again.

My son has overheard a lot of what has been said the last couple days, so I told him about the surgery. And asked if he would like to make her a card or anything. He decided he wanted me to buy one for him to sign. He didn't get emotional or anything, he hasn't seen her in 3 years either. She does send him a card for his birthday and Christmas though. I told him he didn't have to, and no one expects him to. But he wanted to. He's a sweet boy, and he must miss her... I miss her too, but I miss what she USED to be. That woman is gone. So no matter what happens in surgery, I won't mourn her, I don't even know her.

Here's what the last few days have looked like:
Coffee: 105
with 3 tbs pumpkin spice creamer
Breakfast: 90
Special K vanilla Crisp bar
Lunch: 448
Tuna sandwich on whole wheat with 1 tbs miracle whip, jalapenos, cheddar cheese. 8 veggie chips, 5 baby carrots, 1 tbs light ranch. Water.
Dinner: 425
6 oz chicken, 1 cup red beans and rice, 1/2 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 230
Little Debbie Christmas Tree cake and 1/2 cup ff skim milk
Snack LATE night: 263
33 grams veggie chips, 1/4 cup cheddar, salsa. water
Total Water: 44 oz
Total Calories: 1561
Treadmill: 26 minutes/ 1 mile, Incline 2. Carrying 2 lb weights for 5 minutes

Coffee: 53
Half of my cup with 1.5 tbs pumpkin spice creamer (3 tbs total)
Lunch: 464
Tuna Sandwich on whole wheat with 1 tbs miracle whip, 1 slice munster cheese, jalapenos. 15 grams veggie chips, 5 baby carrots, 1 tbs light ranch. water
Dinner: ?
3 slices of pizza, 2 bread sticks, water
Total Water: 35 oz

Lunch: ?
2 slices of pizza, 1 bread stick, water
Iced coffee: 105
coffee, ice, 3 tbs hazelnut creamer
Dinner: ?
1 Parmesan stuffed chicken, 1 cup pasta
Snack: 23
1 Werther's
Snack: 235
Cereal- 1 1/2 cup frosted puffed wheat, 1 cup ff skim milk
Total Water: 38 oz
Treadmill: 26 minutes/ 1 mile, Incline 2. Carrying 2 lb weights for 5 minutes

I found this pumpkin spice liquid creamer at Aldi's, I LOVE it. Really, it is so good! I'm sure it's seasonal, so I'm going to have to stock up! The hazzlenut, not so much. It takes 4 tbs to get it good, and I onlt like it in ice coffee. Once it's gone, I won't be getting that again I don't think.
Found some whole wheat bread that is 50 calories per slice... but I don't like it as much as my normal (70 per slice)...
These Veggie Chips I also found at Aldi's. All natural, 130 calories for 28 grams (more than enough) and they are pretty good!
As you can see, it isn't horrible but I NEED to do better.
I didn't record all of the calories, but I'm trying to get back into the habit. I DID record EVERYTHING I ate though :)
Today is... ok so far, Ray has the night off and I'll be up late I'm sure. I will try not to eat anything else though, as I over ate for dinner (tacos) and I'm kind of full. I'll be back tomorrow with a full report.

She didn't get into surgery as soon as she was supposed to. So my Great Aunt didn't make it up there, but will see her tomorrow and give her my sons card. Now that she's out of the woods, I guess I'm glad. I still don't want anything to do with her. I know she doesn't want anything to do with me either, so it's all good. The card? I hope it makes her feel like the shitty 'Great' grandmother she is... I know it might not be right, but you know me! Honest to a fault, and I can't help how I feel.  

I feel really good though. I got a gift mailed out for my best friends baby today. Renewed my stupid license. They took my picture, and it looks HORRIBLE, but I think they are supposed to lol. She asked "Is this ok?" I said yes... because who makes them retake it??? But I should have, now I have to live with that picture! lol, oh well. Also, it asked my weight... my weight has never been on my license before! I hope it isn't now...
Ray has the morning off, so I don't have to get up at 3:30am! Woo Hoo!
ALSO I got a blog award from colenic, now that is enough to make a girl smile! I'll get to that soon. As soon as I can come up with the answers to the question! :) I also have some questions to answer from Tessa, so I have some thinking to do :)

Have a great night everyone!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Might Be Away for a Bit...

But don't worry! I am feeling great and I won't fall off the road (I'm not quite back on the wagon lol, I'll be back on it soon though!)

I have to take the computer back to the shop tomorrow, they had to order something that should arive tomorrow (Monday). I took the computer home though because it was up and running lol, and I couldn't live without if one more day! I am very hopeful that I will get it back the same day though, Tuesday at the latest!

I did well today. Even when the store declined my debit card and I couldn't buy cat food! Grrr. I know I have money in my account, so I'm thinking it's the same thing that happened about a month ago when my card was declined (at the same store!). My MasterCard number was 'compromised' and they had to issue me a new one. Wiht out contacting me, just canelled my debit card! It was this big ordeal and really pissed me off... and that has to be what is going on now. I don't have much money lol, but I have way more than enough to pay for the damn cat food!!!
On top of having no way to get MY money, one thing that pissed me off is that the bank wouldn't tell me what merchant had compromised my card. Isn't it my right? It's my money isn't it? Idiots. And now they did it again. On a Sunday, when I couldn't even call to see wtf is going on. Can't go get any cash from the atm if my card is deactivated. Can't go to the bank since it's closed....
Last week, I would have come home and used Ray's card and ordered a pizza! BUT it's not last week. It's now, and I am fine. It is an inconvenience, but nothing I can do about it. I will handle it tomorrow. See, no biggie :)
I'll take ray's card and get cat food at a different store at 4am when I take him to work. The cats think it's just their lucky day, as they have had lots of tuna today! :)

I know I've said thank you in the comments, but I really hope you all understand how much your support has meant to me, especially the last few days.
We all have problems and issues. Now that I feel better, I know that mine are small compared to some. My stress is nothing compared to others. But when I was in that state, it felt unbearable and I thank you all for all the kind words and support.
All of us have struggles. When I see your struggles my heart goes out to you, and I hope you can find comfort like I have here. Like I said, most of you have more on your plate than I do! Things you have to deal with, things you have to overcome everyday. There are medical issues, and so many other problems out there, that I feel guilty for getting so down... My worries are no more important than anyone else's and I just thank you for taking time out to make me feel better.
I hope that all of your stresses and hardships are made a little better by getting them out here in blogland.
I know getting things off my chest here has done so much for me. I just want you to know that I'm here if you need someone to listen, just like you all have been here for me.
HUGS and Thank you!

I'll be back tomorrow, hopefully, for what I ate today and your regularly scheduled program! :) It's 12:30, and I'm off to bed. Not exactly midnight, but pretty good! :)

Sunday, November 14, 2010

A Day to Remember

One thing that happened while I was away, was on Halloween. I had my family over, and it was nice. My brother weighed himself on my scale, and was 279. He thinks that is a lot (which it is) but has NO IDEA I weighed that much too! I was at the same weight as him on that day. Now I am more, but that's not the point lol. The point is, someday after I loose a LOT of weight, I will tell him that "back on Halloween 2010, when you weighed yourself and was 279? I was 279 too!!!" Hopefully that will be soon, like maybe Halloween of next year I could tell him that??? :)

I plan on doing my post in the mornings again. That was working well and getting me to bed earlier. These last 2 weeks have been so off, and my sleep has been horrible. Now that I have my car back (I am so thankful for) I am bringing Ray to work again at 3:45am. Oh how I loved to get a nice chunk of sleep in with no interruptions... I have to get used to this all over again now lol. Maybe lack of sleep was contributing to my horrible depression. Well... there is no maybe about it, I know it didn't help anything!!! I HAVE to get back on some kind of schedule! I am going to try and get to bed at a decent time tonight!

Yesterday when I woke up to bring Ray, I felt really sick. I was afraid I was going to throw up. When I got back later that was gone but I had a head ache all day. ALL day. I didn't do the treadmill, but I am allowed 2 days off. I don't plan on taking them, but I'm ok with it if I do... I didn't write down what I ate for the second half of the day till now.
Today I feel so much better, just a slight headache. So hopefully I won't get sick like I was afraid of!

Breakfast: 110
Slice on cinnamon raisin toast with 1/2 tbs Country Crock
Lunch: 515
Tuna Sandwich on whole wheat, 1 1/2 tbs miracle whip(well, store brand), 1/4 cup cheddar, jalapenos. some veggie chips, 5 baby carrots, 1 tbs light ranch. water
Snack: 245
Cereal- 1 1/2 cup frosted wheat puffs with 1 cup ff skim milk
Iced Coffee: 140
with 4 tbs hazelnut creamer
Dinner: 910
2 servings of General Tso's Chicken (Frozen) and 1 egg role. 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 185
bowl of Veggie chips with a little cheddar
Snack: 280
2 slices of cinnamon raisin toast- 1 with cc, one with cc and honey peanut butter
Total Water: 36 oz
Total Calories: 2385

Can you believe I thought I did ok until I just wrote and added it all up??? Obviously I was wrong. Even without the amount of calories, I over ate and snacked WAY to much.

I'm not beating myself up though, I'm down another 1.2 pounds this morning... I guess that shows just HOW bad my eating was the last 2 weeks! But more important, I feel great. I mean GREAT.

I had a long night, and this morning had one of those dreams that goes on forever... It started with someone shooting me through my bedroom window. I was so scared, I was pretending to be dead so he wouldn't shoot me again. I got up and my clothing was so bloody. I was terrified. But Ray didn't care. AT ALL.  It was in my side, and it wasn't going to kill me... I go down stairs and my Mom and brothers are here, they didn't care either! I'm walking around all bloody and I ask "Shouldn't we call 911?" and eventually I did, but no one was worried or cared. they actually were annoyed that I was making such a big deal out of being SHOT.
Anyway, the dream lasted hours I think.
I woke up when Ray came in at about 11 to wake me. (I didn't hear him get up or anything! Which is weird!) I was exhausted from the dream, and mad at Ray because he hadn't cared about me. But he cuddled with me a little bit, I tell him I love him and thank him for being so patient with me this last week and dealing with my mood swings. Of course he says "you don't' have to thank me." I got up and followed him downstairs. My son is pretending to sleep on the couch lol. I go to the kitchen and Ray has almost all the dishes done!!! I love him so much. He can't realize how happy that made me, how much that helped. Now I feel like I can do the other things that need to be done, get this house back in order...

So now I feel great. I'm having my coffee, and will get on the treadmill and take a shower (which I desperately need!) and will feel even better. It's a LATE start to the day, but no matter. Tomorrow I'll get back on schedule, and get back to keeping the house up (which I was doing so good with before Halloween!) and all will be well :)

Now that I wrote that... I am a little worried at how happy I am! Does that sound insane or what? But I know that this is what happened 2 weeks ago... I was on top of the world, and then it all came crashing down. This would be what my Mom would call her 'manic' phase... I just have to make sure I pace myself, and don't try and take on the whole world I guess! And not let it come crashing down again... I really do feel so good though, that I don't think that will happen. :)

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Maybe you want to hear me bitch and moan?

Or maybe you don't! And that is totaly fine!!! Or maybe you don't want to read my personal rambalings and realize I'm a mess.

That's why I decided to do my personal life complaints in a separate post. I want you my followers to be able to skip it if you want, but still be all caught up on everything else. Does that make sense? Skip it if you want, it's personal and it is not required reading... haha :)
Also, it's a separate post because I don't want it to come off as excuses... because my stress is NOT an excuse for sabotaging myself like I did!
This blog has been about my weight loss journey, as well as my life. It is like my journal and has become a place where I can vent and get it all out. (Giving Ray a huge break lol) So I just want you to know what's going on in my life lately. So it is separate from my weight loss struggles, because let's face it. My life is stressful and it's not going to be any less stressful anytime soon! I CAN NOT turn to food every time something goes wrong.
So feel free to skip this one!

I am feeling kind of sick... kind of feverish. Maybe that's why I feel so... unemotional right now. Or maybe it is just my crazy bad mood swings... But all these things that have caused me so much stress over the last few weeks, don't really even seem important right now. I mean, they ARE important, but not so overwhelming that I can't handle it... So I think I'll just kind of list them, and not get emotional about it like I normally would.

Yeah, a 'matter of fact' list might be just what I need... It may look cold, but it's a way for me to get it all out. And a way for you to be caught up without me doing a 10 page post too... I'm sure as time goes on, I will have to deal with some of it and will do more emotional or detailed post about some of it... but today it's just time to get it off my chest. Nice and quick like.

Last week Ray's Mom started stressing about whether or not to retire. She is constantly thinking about it, not sure what to do. She has one more month to decide. She is talking about it whenever we see her. Even called here and cried about it. Part of the problem is that she raised her boys to depend on her for EVERYTHING and now 2 of Ray's brothers do. That's how she raised them... But I can't tell her that. I feel bad, but I don't know what to do for her... It's stressing Ray out...

Lat week Ray's Dad called his mother, and left his phone number for Ray to call him if he wants... I have very strong opinions and emotions about this- but for now we'll just stick with the facts: He hasn't seen Ray in about 20 years, since he was a young boy. He never tried to contact him before. Now he is divorced and all of a sudden calls ray's mom and has a really long chat... I will not go into what I think of this situation or this man. I don't want him in our lives- I don't want to see Ray hurt. Again.

Ray's brother just got out of prison last month. After serving his latest term, 14 years. He stays less than 10 minutes from here. He is not someone I want around, maybe if we didn't have a son- but we DO. So I am hoping he doesn't contact Ray, and that Ray doesn't decide he wants to contact him. I think one of Ray's brothers has been talking to him, but He has no contact with their mother. (Ever since he tried to kill her when Ray was little.) So I am keeping my fingers crossed that I do not have to deal with this.

Money Problems, bad money problems. of course.

Thanksgiving is comming up. We have it at Mom's (my brothers) but I have not been there in months, because I don't want my son exposed to weed anymore. They don't respect how I am trying to raise him so we haven't' been over there. I am expected to be there, and will have to have a talk with my brother about no one getting high while we are there. It could go a number of ways...

My grandmother is having major surgery in about a week. On my birthday in fact. She disowned us all about 3 years ago. (a long story, her daughter took over her life ect.) I don't want to have anything to do with her or her evil daughter. But what if she dies? Will I regret not speaking to her... or even sending her a card before she goes to the hospital? Will I feel bad about that for ever? Or maybe I won't care. Don't know.

Margie and Bruce's death... effected me more than I ever thought it could. I can't explain how sad I was, am. It Left me so confused. Broke my heart. made me question the point of this life and all of our struggles...
Before Margie died, October already had a shadow cast over me. It is the 1 year anniversary of my cousins death. She was only 1 month older than me when she died last year. 28 years old. Her name is the same as mine, Tina Marie... I loved her very much. She died of an overdose. Heroin. All alone in a motel room. It hurts to even think about it. Hurts to think about how she looked in her casket. Right now my chest feels like it's caving in... moving on.

Having serious faith issues. Not sure what I believe anymore... and it is really sad to me. This started last year, and got worse when Tina died at the same time I was trying to figure it out.
(Some day I will tell you all about her life, and how the belief I always had that 'God never gives you more than you can handle' was shattered in to a million tiny pieces the day she died.)
My doubt in my faith gets worse and worse... and now I don't think I believe in a lot of the things I have my whole life. I'm not sure how to deal with that... I have no idea what to do about this.

Ok, these are the main things I think of daily that have been overwhelming me. Other things like my house being a mess right now, or gas prices, or the computer breaking as soon as I finally got my car back... these are little, these are just inconveniences, but they do add to my already fragile mental state.

It's times like this when one of my worst fears haunt me.
I get depressed, but it's not often I get this bad. I think this may be the worst time I have ever had with mood swings... Well, in a LONG time anyway. It's not often that I feel I can't really control my emotions, where I get so overwhelmed with things that I pretty much give up... and it makes me feel I am like my mother. This only makes me more depressed and stressed out. Over the years she has been diagnosed with Manic depression, OCD, and Bi Polar... but I figure her doctors are all quacks and most of it is in her head. Excuses to not have any responsibilities...
Then I get like this and feel like a failure... and wonder if I'm going to end up a selfish bitch like her...

If you have stayed and read all this, I don't want you to worry. I'm not in a corner crying all day or anything.
I think my son is oblivious except my temper is a little short... But we're ok. I think of most of this when I'm alone. I rarely cry, but it's at night when I do. I had been letting him play xbox more, just so he wouldn't catch on... he was happy but I know that's no good! We have been watching movies/ shows on netflix and that time with him I do forget everything else :)
Once this week, on my worst day, I did start crying while making dinner, but he didn't see me...

I know it could be worse. It could ALWAYS be worse. I also know we all have bad days... but I'm just tired of having all bad days...

Well, to make sure I don't get to emotional and start writing a whole fricken novel right now, I better get going! Now that I have my computer back, and am getting back on track, I am very hopeful that these feelings will pass and everything will go back to 'normal.'

Friday, November 12, 2010

First Day Back

Well, today went ok.
I started off with lunch at my son's favorite place (an Asian buffet) and thought 'man, I shouldn't even go.' But we had it planned for a while now, since he had today off of school and we haven't been doing ANYTHING.
It was good, I did OK- could have done better for sure. But I did better than I have been doing for the last week! Compared to that, today went very well.

I don't know what happened... I've been under stress (which maybe I'll vent about in a separate post) but that's no excuse...
Halloween- I had to much candy, but was feeling fine. I did well calorie wise as I hadn't ate anything else until dinner! The next day was going to be better, but I ate even MORE candy... everyday I got up with good intentions, and then ruined it... THAT is the difference. Since I started this in January, I never just said "oh well, I ruined it- start again tomorrow." I mean sure, at the end of the day when I sat down and looked at the day, I would say "tomorrow is another day." But I never just gave up and threw the whole day away because of a mistake.
After my Friday weigh in came around on the 5th, I pretty much completely stopped trying. Then on Tuesday I realized I could do my blog from the PS3, I decided to knock it off and get back at it. I did the treadmill that day, and was ready to go! But I got up the next day, said fuck it, and just ate what I wanted, when I wanted for the next 3 days. I did horrible all this time, but the last few days were the worst. I even decided 'Oh well, I already ruined it. I'll start again Friday after my weigh in." And that's what I did. That's why I'm in this situation... because of that start date mentality. Pick a date, pick tomorrow, whatever- and then eat whatever I want and pig out until that date... I used to ALWAYS do that. My whole life. But since I started my journey on January 1st, I NEVER did that and promised I would NEVER do that again. But I did. And here we are.

I feel like I'm starting all over. I did things that I used to do... I mean I was as bad as I have ever been! I ate to much, I ate when I wasn't hungry, I did just about everything I used to. It's the first time I can't say "Even though it looks bad, It's better than I used to be." Because it's BAD, just as bad as it used to be.
The only thing that is different from before 2010, is that I did drink water everyday. But only about 10 oz. I didn't have pop except for the last 2 days, a 12 oz glass one day and an 8 oz glass the next. Oh, and wheat bread instead of white. But that's it. Everything else was those old bad habits... they came back SO EASY AND SO FAST!!!!

At this rate, I would gain ALL of my weight back in 8 more weeks. 11 months worth of work can be gone in 10 weeks.... That is so scary. It is so scary that I have gained 8.2 pounds back. In only 2 weeks. Holy Crap.

I have to make sure this doesn't happen. And even though I'm determined now, tomorrow I might wake up and feel totally different. I have had a really bad time with being depressed, mostly I have been having CRAZY bad mood swings. I HAVE to make sure I stick to this no matter how bad my mood swings are. I really thing blogging is going to help though. Maybe if I would have had my computer the mood swings wouldn't have beens so bad, maybe I wouldn't have gone so far off track... maybe not at all!
Or maybe I would have gained anyway... would have ranted and wrote through my moods and you would all think I am completely insane!!!! (if you don't already lol) I really do think it's the first one though :)

SO, here's the plan.
BLOG EVERY DAY even before I lost the computer, I hadn't been blogging everyday. I think I was on a slow down hill slope... loosing the computer just gave me an extra shove off the track.
AT LEAST 5 MILES OF TREADMILL PER WEEK (1 MILE PER DAY AT LEAST 5 DAYS) That is my goal, but I have such a hard time staying on the plan when I have days off... I might have to do it everyday.
CRUNCHES: no set amount but at least a few times per week. every other day if possible

So there we go. If I stick to that, I think I will be able to loose the weight and reach my 50 pound goal on New Years Eve.

It will be hard, but I can do it.

My biggest challenges will be: my sweet tooth that I have since Halloween (especially with my coffee). Being really hungry because of how I have stretched my stomach back out! My craving for Peanut Butter toast... I don't know what is up with that. I just want it all the time (like when I was pregnant) But I will be careful, and I can get over these hurdles :) And no, I'm not pregnant!

Ok, so here's the run down of my first day back:

Coffee: 105
3 tbs hazel nut liquid creamer
Lunch: 1200?
2 1/2 plates of various yumminess, water
Iced coffee: 140
Large glass with ice and 4 tbs hazelnut liquid creamer
Dinner: 210
1 cup Campbell's Chunky Soup- Vegetable Beef with white and wild rice, lean meat. 1 slice whole wheat bread. water
Snack: 190
Honey Peanut butter/1/2 tbs country crock whole wheat toast. water
Total Water: 37 oz
Total Calories: 1845? (645 plus lunch)

Treadmill: 26 minutes/ 1 mile. Incline 2. 2LB weights for 9 minutes
I was sweating like crazy! But I can do it, and I WILL! :)

I fell off the wagon. HARD.
I fell off, got trampled by a horse, rolled down the embankment, and landed in a mud puddle... But I got up. I'm muddy, but I can't concentrate on that... I can't let the mud, or anything that happens weigh me down... I have to climb back up to the road, and get back on that wagon and continue on my journey...
So here I go!

I'm Back! Time for Weigh Ins...

Ugh... Let's get this over with...

Missed Weigh Day: October 5th
The scale said...
That is a gain of 4.2 pounds.
That made my total loss 37.2 pounds
NO Treadmill, No Crunches

Today's Weigh In:
The scale says...
Yes, you read that right.

That is a gain of 4 pounds
That makes my Total Loss 33.2 pounds
Total Treadmill: 30 minutes/ 1.02 miles
0 Crunches

So that means in these 2 weeks I have been away, I have GAINED 8.2 pounds. I haven't been this weight since June 12th, so it's like 5 months of work wasted.
I can't believe how fast I gained back 8.2 pounds... 8.2 pounds that took over 5 months for me to loose! WTF!
I feel like I'm right back where I started. All those bad habits came back so fast... so EASY...
I can't put into words how disappointed I am in myself... but I spent all week feeling it...
Thinking about it or beating myself up isn't going to help me at all. I know that.
So today I start again. 

Being honest, I really don't feel that great or motivated... but I'm not hungry either... hopefully it will all fall back into place.
I know I have a LOT of work to do. Especially if I want to make that goal of loosing 50 pounds this year!!! I only have 7 weeks left to lose 16.8 pounds... That is 2.4 pounds per week!
As you know, since summer started I have struggled to loose any weight. I mean, it took me over 5 months to lose these last 8 pounds!!! And to lose DOUBLE that in 7 weeks... It's going to be work. HARD WORK.
But I am going to do my best! I really do think that if I watch what I'm eating (or more important how much) and get on the treadmill everyday, I will be able to do it.
Ok... now I feel a little more motivated :)

I also feel kind of funny, like I have a fever :( I hope I'm not getting sick, that is the LAST thing I need right now...

I have to go update my tracker, and my weight chart. Have to take care of other internet stuff I have neglected for 2 weeks, check email ect. I will write a post tonight if I can, otherwise I will see you in the morning for some... reflecting...
Most important is that I get back to writing down everything I eat. So I'll be back with that as well.

Thank you again to everyone who cares :) It really means a lot that you would check on me, and make me feel like I was actually missed. I'm sorry I was gone, but that really is a good feeling to come back to!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!

See you later!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

b back soon...

hello blogland!!!

i'll let u know i have been doing horrible. with depression, food, exercise, all of it. of course i am doing ok at this second or i wouldn't b here. wouldn't b able to take the time or energy it takes to do a quick sentence without a computer!

but i wanted 2 update u who support me because it means so much to me. and prepare u. its not gonna b pretty... even i am shocked at how fast and hard i have fallen.

the good news, i have caught up on all of your blogs... could only comment on afew...sorry about that :(
also, iwill have my computer friday!!!! cant wait!!! so i will c u then. goodnight.