My luck is back to being bad.
I'll take this time to warn you, this is not a fun post. AT ALL. I'm angry, sick and tired. There is language that may not be suitable for sensitive viewers. I won't blame you at all if you skip this one. It is not my usual self, the one that tries to stay positive and says "It could always be worse." It's that other girl, the one who usually stays away, the one that is sick of being shit on. My Life SUCKS is the main plot point, so please don't read if you don't think it would be good for you.
Believe me, I wish I could skip it!!!
The last few days I tried not to let stress get to me. I concentrated on the good and what I am thankful for. I really thought my luck was changing for the better. I really did. And through the chaos all around me, I was doing my very best to stay positive. I had just spent hundreds on my car, leaving $9.64 in my bank account, but at least my car works right???
WRONG. Now my car won't start at all. Not even with a jump.
As you may know, Ray's work shift starts at 4:00 am. No buses run at that time, and we HATE to ask anyone to bring him, but now we will have to.
It sucks.
I feel like shit.
The cats have fleas again... or still? Spent a bunch of $ on that crap too... and now it seems it didn't even work, we thought it did, but obviously not.
It's time to take some laundry to dry at the mat again, since my piece of shit dryer doesn't work... but my piece of shit car doesn't work.
Summers ending, so all the worthless piece of shit neighbors feel they have to go out and act as ignorant as possible day and night, before it's cold and they will have to be cooped up inside. Trying their best to prove who's more ghetto. Fucking morons.
There were gun shots twice this summer, VERY near my house. But I didn't see ONE drug raid... that's a first! It's been YEARS since there was a whole summer without at least 2 raids in our view. So maybe I should be thankful for that huh? It's most likely because they have cut law enforcement so much that the swat team just doesn't have the man power or the time anymore. But hey, lets spend $30,000 on a new statue down town, just to be spray painted and shit on anyway...
Ugh, I better stop now before I start writing things I'll regret later.
I know money isn't everything, but we are trying to save to get all this bankruptcy behind us. Then we would be able to move forward, and maybe get the hell out of here!!!! How the fuck is that supposed to happen when every time I turn around something else is going wrong!?!??
I know there are bigger problems than mine, but I'm tired. So tired of everything. I'm tired of everything always going wrong. No matter how positive I try to be, today I just don't have anything left. I am just drained.
I feel like shit. My eating today was shit. And when I was eating the shit? It made me feel better. Yeah, that's right, it did. Which makes me even more depressed, actually writing that makes me want to cry. BUT I'm to tired for that. I think I've cried more in the last couple months then in the year before that! What's up with that? I never used to cry, and it hasn't helped anything either. I'm now Getting to that point where I'm starting to feel numb. Never a good sign.
Everyone is pissing me off, (except Ray and my son) my inner bitch is dying to jump out at any idiot that says the wrong thing to me. Hopefully my mother is VERY careful while I'm feeling this way... just thinking about her makes me angry. Just thinking about how she made my life as hard as possible, ON PURPOSE makes me sick.
I guess I'm thinking about her because she actually had the nerve to talk bad about my cousin, and how she let her boy friend around her kids... when she did the same thing! She didn't care about us!!! She chose a man over us every time! EVERYTIME!!!
Do you know that once when her boyfriend was so drunk he couldn't hardly talk, he wanted a hug... instead of telling him no you're drunk, leave her alone- she MADE me hug him. I was crying and saying no, and she forced me. I was probably about 10. After I did it, she wouldn't take us home. So while she stayed there with her boyfriend, I took my 5 year old brother and walked 3 miles home. I probably took care of him and my other 2 brothers all night, maybe even days. That's how much she loved us. Yet today she said "I can't believe she let him around those kids for so long." and also "I shouldn't have kept him for so long either, but he was good around you kids..." WHAT THE FUCK?????
Ugh.... I better go before I start telling more childhood stories, I should start a blog just for that!!! I got a million of them...
I notice people all over facebook saying "fml." And I had to ask to see what that even meant. WELL, after I found out I had to laugh. They were saying FML because they had to work late, couldn't go party that night, or something stupid like that. Give me a break.
Well, that's how I feel right now FML. Some people will probably look at that and say "ah, she don't have it that bad, she needs to quit complaining." Just like I did when I saw it. But like I said, I'm just drained, and have no energy to try and think of the good. It's just to hard right now.
I got on the treadmill. I got on it early in the day and felt so great, of course that was before I found out my car won't start. You know what? I know that if I hadn't done it, I wouldn't now because I just feel so low. I know I wouldn't be able to talk myself into it, so I'm so glad I did it earlier.
Treadmill: 20 minutes/ .76 mile 5 minutes with the weights
I'll have to catch up on my blog roll tomorrow. This may not have passed yet, so Don't feel bad if I don't comment, just know I'm still here reading and wishing the best for you! Maybe it will make me feel better, you all inspire me and I love reading your blogs.
I hope you all have a nice rest of the weekend, I really do.
I know I won't feel like this forever. Thank God.
HBD
2 days ago
Take a deep breath. This is all really shit and I would feel to the tune of pissed off if it happened to me as well. The thing that's so annoying is that you've paid out of the odds for things to be fixed and come together, then it looks like it's all been a huge big, fat waste of time. Like you may as well have done nothing and still have the same result.
ReplyDeleteI know there's nothing I can say but I know what this feeling is like, it's like a thick, red fog, and you'll challenge anyone that dares to get in your way. So much effort in the face of futility, ever feel like doing nothing would get you further?
Also, your bad luck came in a cluster, so maybe good luck will work in the same way :)
ReplyDeleteJust keep saying the mantra..."things can only get better, things can only get better...." It's what I have to do most of the time. We all have crappy days, today it was your turn.
ReplyDeleteI had a thought...when I filed for bankruptcy 10 years ago they let me set up a payment plan for paying the lawyer fees. Can you do something like that?
First of all Tina here are some really big HUGS for you, wish I could just walk next door and give them to you. Sounds like you've had a really stressful month, and you are right, it could have been worse but right now you are feeling as if it can't.
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling of being financially strapped, our ecomomy is crap and everyone is feeling the effects. For us personally, it is just now happening, our rentals units have been halp empty for most of the year so we are trying to subsidize them from our income, not an easy task with hubby on disability.
I have a couple of suggestions that may help somewhat. They won't make the problems go away but they might ease the stress:
1. There is nothing more you can do about the car so perhaps there is someone that works with Ray that he can car pool with. If he offers to help out with the cost each week then you are really not asking someone to do something for nothing. Even though he can't take your vehicle for his turn he would be doing his share.
2. Your family is causing you major grief and it seems just when you are getting back to yourself they do something else to add stress to your life. You can't change them but you can get help to understand and deal with the hurt they have caused you. Is there a church nearby that you could talk to the pastor or perhaps a government funded counselling agency that is free. It really does help to have someone on the outside to talk to.
3. The dryer - did you ever get a chance to possibly look at the element to see if it needs changing? They are usually inexpensive and easy to change.
4. Cats with fleas - ouch, I know how hard they are to get rid off. Do you have a local animal shelter that you could contact and see if they can give you some suggestions. I know there is a wash available here that you bath them in - be sure to wear armour for this one as cats hate to be bathed .... Sometimes the shelter will just give you what you need at no cost if you explain your situation. They don't want to see the animals come into the shelter so they try to assist where possible.
5. Shauna has a good idea for the bankruptcy, see if you can make monthly payments, I know you can here. And even though you don't want to trouble anyone, maybe you could ask Ray's mom to help out and pay her back later.
Remember you are not alone in your struggles, we are here for you if you want to vent. At times we feel like our world is going to fall apart and there is no where else to turn and hate having to look for solutions that might embarrass us. But better to be embarrassed that and have a positive event than to let things continue on because of pride.
You are a strong lady and it sounds as if the whole family, including Ray and your son, rely on you to "hold things together". Sit them down and let them know how much you are hurting and that they need to help you get through this. You sound alot like me in that I always just want to make things better for everyone. I finally came close to having a total meltdown and realized that I can't do it on my own. My problems are their problems so we all have to work together to find a solution.
My heart goes out to you, but have faith in that you are a strong person and you will get through this.
Hugs....I have no words of wisdom for you....it sucks that you are going through this and I am glad that you have your blog so that you know that there are people who are out here who care about you.....wish we were closer so I could come over and give you a hug.....hang in there...luck's gotta change at some point....in the mean time know that there is at least one person who is out here thinking about you and sending all the positive thoughts that I can muster...
ReplyDeleteYou are all so sweet.
ReplyDeleteI was actually going to take down the post, the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to keep my pity party to myself lol. SO I came to take it down and have all of this support :) I can't take down all of your kind comments! Thank you soooo much.
Verity it's as if you read my mind! That's exactly how I was feeling. Like "why bother." I have taken some deep breaths, and even though I am feeling depressed, I don't feel as angry or ready to blow today.
Thank you so much :) And I hope your right about that good cluster :)
Shauna, yeah, we all have crappy days. I would be fine if yesterday was my turn, but EVERY day is my turn. It would be easier to count the good ones instead! But it's all in how we deal with it, and I usually deal very well. Yesterday was the exception.
Thanks for the idea of a payment plan, I actually did check that out. The lawyer I plan on using told me that they don't do that. He said something along the lines of people can put the lawyer on the bankruptcy and then they would be screwed... but I don't see how that is possible. HE is filing the paperwork, so obviously he would know if I was planning something like that... maybe I should check out some more lawyers...
Thanks Shauna :)
Tessa thank you so much for your advise and especially for your virtual hugs :)
ReplyDeleteI'm going to talk to Ray and try and get him to work something out with people at work. Most of them live the whole OTHER way, but they are up at that time, and maybe could leave early to come get him. There is one guy that lives near by, I have brought him home before. I'll have to really get on Ray's case, he is even worse than I am about asking for help!!!!
I don't have the extra money to have anyone come look at the dryer, but this is what I know: The dryer turns on, heats up, spins, but some time during the cycle the heat stops. The clothes don't dry. So I'm sure you're right. As soon as I can, I will call around and see about a heating element and what it would cost to put one in.
You know, the spray we were buying wasn't to expensive, and it worked great! It was just such a pain in the butt to chase down all 5, spray them down, chase them all again in 10 minutes, dry them all and brush them. SO we spent a LOT more to buy the stuff you put on the back of their necks... and it worked at first, but only about 2 weeks not 4 like it was supposed to... we kept it up, but with cheaper brands... and our smallest cat needs the 5 pounds or less kind and that does NOTHING. I'm going to get more of the spray, even though it's a pain- it's cheap and it's worth the hassle!!! That was just another thing on the SH** pile yesterday, but today I see it's not that bad :)
Thank you for saying I am strong, I don't feel that way lately... but I think you are right about holding the family together... Sometimes I wonder, why do I have to be the only responsible one? But even that feels better today.
Thank you so much Tessa. Huggggssssss!!!!!
Colenic thank you so much. I was thinking about you today and how you do that list of good things for the day :)
ReplyDeleteToday I still feel a little crappy, but much better.
I thought about deleting this post, but you are right. I feel very lucky to have found blogging, it really is good for me to vent sometimes. And having people that care is just so nice... Thank you so much :)
Hugggggs :)