New Year's Eve... last weigh in of 2010!

This will be short, but not sweet :)
My brothers will be here soon, going to be a night in with a little drinking, playing video games, (if I get buzzed enough, I'll be playing guitar hero lol) maybe some dominoes or cards. We'll see!

It is 55 degrees here right now. In Michigan, on New Years Eve, at 10:11pm!!! That is just... crazy. NO snow on the ground... this has been the mildest winter EVER... at least that I can remember!

The main reason I've been away is my eating hasn't been great. I guess it was that end of the year thing I do... knowing that I'll be "starting over" on the first, so I can be bad if I want??? Which is SO STUPID and only hurts ME. The funny thing, last year I didn't have that. I was SO exited to loose weight, and just knew I was going to be able to do it! And I did!!! Until I didn't anymore...

So let's get this last weigh in over with shall we?
The scale says...

287
That's a 2.4 poud
gain from last week.
It makes my total lost:
33 pounds lost for the year

About half of what I unofficially wanted to loose...

As you know I had lost 42 pounds at my best point... and I REALLY didn't want to have to report a year end number less than that!

But it's ok. It is what it is. No sense in the "if onlys" or "I should have" I just have to make sure I do what needs to be done this year! AND STICK WITH IT!

So all is well here :) Not sure about any new resolutions... Just to rededicate myself!

Well, you know what? I do have a goal... I want to lose twice what I did this year :) That would be 66 pounds, and a total loss of 99 pounds. How awesome would that be???

Alright. Bro number 1 is here, got my 1st glass half gone. It looks like there is going to be a major disc golf tournament in the living room... via the PS3 MOVE of course :) Better go watch! Yes I know... I'm a party animal hehe :)

Here's to 2011 being the best year ever! Woo Hoo!

Have a great night!!!! Safe and Happy wishes to you all!!!!

And thanks for sticking by me through 2010, even though sometimes it seemed there were more downs than ups! I appreciate all who supported me, more that you could ever know! 2011 will be better :) I can feel it!!! Or is that the alcohol I feel??? :)

HUGS!!!

Merry Christmas!!!

I'm pretty tired, and am going to bed now.
I had a great day and I hope you all did too!

It's my first Christmas as a blogger,
and I have to say,
I thought of a lot of you today.

And really hope today was wonderful for you :)

Just wanted to say Merry Christmas!
And no matter what you believe, or where you are...
My only hope is that you feel peace... and that you know you are loved.

That's what matters isn't it? ♥

I'll be back tomorrow (or tonight if I can't sleep!)
For now:
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a GREAT night!

It's Christmas Eve! (and weigh day)

First let me thank Auntie Mandy for joining us here in My Day! Thank you and Happy Holidays!

And... Merry Christmas Eve Everybody!!!!

Today was also time for my weekly weigh in.

And the scale said...

284.6

That is .2 pound loss this week,

and make my Total Lost: 35.4 pounds.

Still almost 7 pounds away from being in the green... but it's a loss. And sadly enough, a loss 2 weeks in a row is scarce for me these days. Soooo, I've decided to just be happy with it. I may not end the year in the green, and I have accepted that. I have made a LOT of mistakes, but it will do me no good to beat myself up about it. All I can do is my best, and that will have to do. A loss the week before Christmas? I'm happy with it, even it it's only .2 pound :) I will do my best to make it a loss again next week and be happy with what ever number it is! And while it may not end in the "green" I will still end the year with a Total loss! Over 35 pounds less than this time last year! It may be slower than I expected... but 35 pounds is 35 pounds :)

I did get candy yesterday... and it didn't go well! I had way to much of it. Today I did a lot better. I had a few kisses and Hershey miniatures, but nothing like years past. Or yesterday. I am dividing the candy between Ray and my son's stockings, AND making little bags for My Mom, Stepdad, and 3 brothers. So there won't be much left for me. Oh, I'm sure I'll have some, but not 10 pieces at a time!

Me and my son are going to decorate cookies now, the last ones are due out of the oven in 7 minutes 50 seconds :) I'll take some pictures and show you tomorrow! Like on Thanksgiving, most of them will be left at my Mom's.

I am definitely in the Christmas mood :) I'm not letting anything bother me, and am exited for Christmas :)

Have a Merry Christmas Eve! Tomorrow have a wonderful day, and be safe!

*I did NOT take that picture. It is from WEBSHOTS

All Caught Up!

A quick thank you to ~Layla~, for joining me in my day!

Also, go and visit the review blog by Happy Fun Pants HERE for your last chance to win $150! All you have to do is comment, I think it's until the 28th... If you remember, that's how I won $150 and could afford my camera on Black Friday, and external hard drive I needed :) It's the biggest prize I've ever won in my life!!! It was awesome, so go! Good luck!

I just got all caught up on blogs... it must have taken me 2 hours lol. I took a break in between! Even if I don't write, I really am going to come read at least once per day. I miss out on so much good stuff when I'm gone!!! (and bad stuff... that I could have tried to be supportive about)

I have been writing down everything I eat, but since it hasn't been good, I dreaded writing it here... so I put it off, and now it's almost a week later! How did that even happen? I look at it though, and it's really not a bad as I thought. I had pizza one day, but only 2 slices! I did have a sandwich last night, I stayed up all night and got hungry... and a turkey sandwich was what I really wanted... so I had it. 220 calories... in the middle of the night. The worst thing though, was chips. I bought a bag of multigrain onion chips (Aldi's brand Sunchips) and snacked on them like crazy. Over 2 days, I ate almost the whole bag by myself! Not good, and my body felt like CRAP. Water was doing pretty well, until yesterday and today. I HAVE to get my water in! I really feel it when I don't :(
With the season and having so much trouble keeping up with blogworld, I'm going to give myself a break. I'm not going to worry about recording everything I eat until January first. Actually, I will still write it down (I'm afraid if I stop I won't start again!) but not record it here. Maybe just the highlights :)

A good thing? Besides candy canes, I have resisted Christmas candy in the house. The usual chocolates are not in a dish on the table. Tomorrow I will be buying some though, for the kids stocking... but I will do my best not to go overboard! Not buy BAGS of candy and snack on it all by myself at night like previous years! It's almost Christmas... so all month, without the candy? I'm already ahead :)

I haven't weighed myself since Friday either... so I have NO IDEA...

I've been pretty busy, but after I was done being sick, I have been doing pretty well. Not stressed out too bad. Just remembering that Serenity Prayer!

I am so thankful, we have money to buy presents this year. We always manage, but this year I really wasn't sure... but with Ray's extra hours, christmas money from my Dad, and some luck, we did pretty good! I think my son may have a little less presents than most years, but he has plenty. And I know he'll be happy :) Tomorrow we have to get a few more things (for 2 of my brothers and Mom and Step Dad) and we'll be done shopping :) I'm very thankful. It's going to be a great Christmas :)

I already made sure that my brother understands I expect it to be family friendly over there when my son is around. So no weed, and I'm very relieved that he handled it fine and that I don't have to worry about it.
My Mom actually said how nice it was to have us over for Thanksgiving, and that maybe we could come over more often since it went well with the "no weed" rule... So she actually noticed we hadn't been there in 4 months... I said "Yeah, you make sure everything is put away and everyone understands that we're comming over so NO weed. Then call me." I also told her "It really sucks we have to make an appointment to come over, but whatever..." She said "ok, sounds good." She doesn't get how ridiculous it all is. It makes me sick.... BUT no more of that. I'm in a good mood remember? :) It won't happen anyway. She will NOT make the effort, I already know that... In fact, she was just over at her cousins yesterday and didn't even stop here (she lives 2 minutes down the street) I only know she was there because my son saw them when he was walking home from school and figured they had been here... she pretends she can't come visit here because she can't visit ANYWHERE... but I know she goes over there all the time. WHY you ask? Well because her cousin will get her high for free of course! So OF COURSE she can go over there and visit! But not visit her grandson.... oops... I've got to stay in a good mood, so enough of that!
We'll just go on holidays. I'm fine with that. I pretty much have no family to go visit anymore... but whatever. I can't deal with the stress, it's just not worth it to me. (We'll go into how weird my Stepmom is acting, and how I don't feel welcome there now either- just not today) I don't care... I'm fine being a hermit lol... but I really worry about my son :(
Enough of that!

It will be a great Christmas. As long as I'm not thinking of all this, and just enjoying my family's company, all will be well :)

I will really try and post more often now. I miss posting everyday... having that routine!

I'll leave you with a picture of VanGogh, our youngest. (But not the smallest!)

He can't wait for Christmas either!!!! 

Friday Weigh In

Hello. First let me say a quick thank you to Pic Soso, thank you for joining us here at My Day!

Second, it's weigh in time. And the scale says...

284.8

That's a loss of 1.4 pounds this week,

Making my Total Lost: 35.2 pounds

I'm always glad to have a loss... but it just needs to be MORE. Especially with how sick I was earlier this week. I was down to 280, and I really thought it would be a bigger loss this week. BUT I'm feeling better now, and my appetite is back- with a vengeance!
So I have 6.8 pounds left to loose JUST to be in the green again. I WILL loose this by New Year. So that's 3.4 pounds to loose each of the 2 weeks that are left this year. That is a pretty big number for me to loose as you can see by the chart over to the right... but I REALLY want to end the year on a good note... a GREEN NOTE!!!! :) 

I have been feeling better, now I just have a cold. I never thought I would be so happy to just have a cold lol... but man, it's SOOO much better than whatever I did have!

Here's what I ate today:

Coffee: 40

2 tsp coffeemate, 1 tsp sugar. Didn't finish the cup though

Lunch: 1030

1 chicken sandwich, medium? eggnog shake

Snack: 80

1 cup ff skim milk

Dinner: 490

3/4 cup taco soup with tortilla chips (about 15) and cheddar cheese. 1 cup ff skim milk

Snack: 240

3 candy cane (oreo type) cookies, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 160
Simply Cinnamon Corn Flakes with a bout 1/2 cup milk (cats got the rest)
Total Water: about 5 oz :( SO FAR
Total Calories: 2040
Holy Crap! Do you know how many calories are in a Burger King Original Chicken Sandwich? 630! I am blown away by that! I actually thought I did ok for lunch... even though it was buy one get one free, I only got one. Now I see that it wasn't that great... AND I asked for a small shake... I haven't had a shake (or anything) from there in a looong time, but this didn't look like a small. I think it was a medium. Of course I didn't have to drink it all... but I did... I joked with Ray and said I would be using the calories from a small because that's what I ordered!!!! But I didn't, I can not tell a lie lol. And this was no small.

Well, I'm going to have to do a lot better than that if I am going to loose 3.4 pounds each week for the next 2... If only I had NO appetite like those few days when I was sick, things would be so much easier! No matter :) I will just have to control myself! It seems like EVERY Friday after weigh in, whether I do good or bad, I end up eating a lot. So if this is my mess up day, it's not THAT bad. Now I just have to get my ass in gear and really work hard for the next 2 weeks! I'll just keep telling myself, "It's only 2 weeks." That's not entirely true, because this will continue forever... but just don't let my brain know that! lol :)

I MUST record what I eat everyday.
I also have to get back to drinking at least 40 oz of water every day. Today was the worst with water in a while. We finished up christmas shopping for the kid :) So we were gone a while, and my whole day was kind of thrown off... but I'll get a glass right now and try and get some in before bed.

I went to bed last night at 9:30, 9:30 people!!!!! I'm really trying to get to bed at a decent time every night. Since I was sick, I've been doing an ok job with that. It's hard on the weekends, but I'm really going to try and keep at it.

Ok, Gonna watch some tv, NOT eat, drink some water, and get to bed. I'll see you tomorrow, even it it's only to record my food! Recording my food everyday is mandatory!
Good night everyone! Sweet Dreams! :)

The Flu Sucks...

It is good for weight loss though isn't it?
Well, I'm not even sure if it's the flu... Ray said it probably is because of how my whole body was aching and how bad I felt... but I have no idea. Flu, stomach virus, something that SUCKS.

Let's back up a little bit :)
Last time I was here, I had felt kind of sick a day before, but felt all better. I was drinking coffee like crazy and working my butt off cleaning the house. Even so, a day later I gained a pound for Friday's weigh in, so the scale said...

286.2

a 1 pound gain :(

NO treadmill, or Crunches
Total Loss: 33.8 pounds

We had pizza (2 pieces for me) Friday for lunch, and I had iced coffee all day.

I made Ray's favorite Cheezy Chicken for dinner for his Bday :) I only make it once a year for him lol. But I wasn't really hungry, and when I did eat it... I didn't really taste it, and ate pretty slow and not much. (any other year I would have had at least 2 giant helpings, this year one small) I was proud, and couldn't wait to write that here! I wasn't thinking about feeling sick or anything, I had been fine for 2 days.

Well, I had planned on drinking and everything Friday night... but I only got 1 shot. I started feeling really funny. Then around 10:30 I got those pains in my stomach... I got up to the bathroom... and began my night of vomiting. :(

I came back down, but I really felt like crap. I couldn't even wait for one of my brothers to come in from smoking, and one hadn't even gotten there yet. But I had to go to bed. I spent the rest of the night either dead asleep or puking my guts out... not just your average puke either, the kind where you BETTER be sitting on the toilet... yeah you know what I'm talking about lol. (It's funny now, but at the time not so much...) I lost count after 7 times, but I woke up for this spewing of bodily fluids a LOT. (I'm just so thankful it was in enough time to get to the bathroom every time!!!)

To show you just how much... That weight of 286.2 Friday morning? By Saturday morning it was 281. That's 5.2 pounds in one night, even though I ate cheezy chicken and pizza that day... so yeah. And Sunday morning, down another pound. So the Flu is good for weight loss I guess...

I am feeling better today. My stomach still feels kind of bad after I eat something, but I'm keeping it down. I'm back up to 282.5 which is still about 4 pounds down from Friday's weigh in.

Being sick sucks. I can't remember the last time I was that sick, and I hope I'm not again for a LONG time.

I'm still feeling really tired and weak, but SO much better. I've been sleeping a lot. If I didn't have to bring the boy to school, I'd probably never leave my bed...

Been going to bed at about 10, so that's good. Tonight it will be more like 11, but it's still better than it was! And I'm going to try and keep it that way.

No fast food, I don't even want it. I hope that feeling stays even after my stomach is back to normal!

Ray got it too :( Not as bad as mine, he only threw up once, but still. He had to call in Monday, and came home early this morning. He has to go in tonight, I hope he feels all better :( I feel really bad, nice birthday present huh???

OH, and now neither one of us can even stomach the THOUGHT of his favorite food, Cheezy Chicken! That is just crazy... but being so sick may have ruined it for me, forever!!!

I haven't been on the computer AT ALL, that's how bad I was feeling. I hope to get back to a more normal blogging schedule, but even before this I wasn't doing it everyday. So I won't promise EVERY day, but I'll really try and do more. I need to record what I eat, otherwise I'll probably go back to eating too much. And Nothing will keep me away from Friday weigh in (except the flu lol) :)

My eating has been ok, only because of being so sick. So I've been eating a lot less. But when I do eat, I can't say it's the best choices, I haven't had the energy to prepare me anything good... so it was what ever was quick and would stay down. (cereal, ice cream, freeze pops are some examples) Last night I did make some Orange chicken and broccoli. It was pretty good, and even though I didn't eat much, I still felt like I over ate. Tonight it was broccoli tuna helper. It was good, and I only ate about 3/4 cup. I'm going to be careful and only eat a little at a time. Even though being sick really sucks, I should take advantage of the weight loss and the stomach shrinkage right?

Definitely trying to be positive about it lol. Now I don't have as far to go to be back in the green :)

I hope everyone else has been doing a lot better than me!!!!!

I planned on reading and catching up, but now I feel sooo tired :(

I'm going to bed. But I'll be back tomorrow to at least read!!! Goodnight! 

Must... Have... COFFEE!

Hey everybody :)

Let's get the last few days out of the way shall we?
Since Friday, I have been getting little sleep. I have been snacking way to much. And have been feeling very guilty over spending money on fast food. I have been ok, just a little stressed, but not really depressed or anything. Just a lot of little things all together weighing down on me...
I did write down what I ate... but didn't record it here. Which was a HUGE mistake, and I already know better! The minute I decide I'm not writing it here, I start eating worse...
It didn't get to bad, no complete binging... but a lot of snacking, and giving in to things I just didn't need... things I didn't even really want! Like chips and cheese, a sandwich in the middle of the night... Other than that the food was pretty normal for me, no over eating really, just EXTRA snacking. Mostly to much snacking at night when I'm up till 4 in the morning. The low point? Ray and I actually got Taco Bell at 1:30am Sunday Morning (Sat. night). That is SO BAD, to actually leave the house to go get it too? An old habit I hoped to never see again!

BUT all that is over. Except the fast food problem... But that will be over soon I hope...
Back to normal, and back to recording it!

Yesterday was a busy day. I didn't eat much, but we did have pizza for dinner. We had a quick dinner, I had 2 peices and it was my lunch and dinner.

Then off to my son's first band concert!
I know it makes no sense, but doing anything like that really stresses me out. So that too was weighing on me all week... but once I was there of course I was fine.
I was a little annoyed when my son told me that they weren't going to be doing Christmas songs, even though the other grades were... why you ask? Well, because there are so many bad kids always disrupting the class so they didn't have time to learn everything they were supposed to. WTF? That's F'ing ridiculous if you ask me!!!! The teachers need to grow a pair and take care of these kids... kick them out of the class!!! When I was in school, Band was... well... full of band nerds. lol no offense to any band nerds out there! But they really pushed band last year, EVERY kid had a meeting with the band teachers to see what instrument they would be best for ect. I was putting him in band before they did all that... I guess that made other kids that normally wouldn't do it, go ahead and do it. Maybe thinking it would be an easy class??? I don't know, but this is the largest band class they have ever had- and I hope they don't wonder why! To me it doesn't matter, kick the little trouble makers out of band so the ones that WANT to be there can learn! Damnit!

Count to 10...

Ok :) I'm back.
Back to the concert. It ended up really nice :) I enjoyed myself, and I could tell my son did also. My Mom and Step Dad came too, so that was nice. Here is a little fun piece they did. It was cute lol.

He's in the middle, the kid that looks like he could be my son lol. 

After we got home, I had a very little piece of this crazy "s'mores pizza." Not long after, I started getting pains in my stomach. They really hurt! I don't know if they were from that weird s'mores thing, or what. All I know is, I am soo glad that it waited until AFTER I got home. Without being too graphic, I spent a lot of time on the toilet... 

This morning wasn't any better. By the time I went and picked up Ray, I felt a lot better though. He wanted a frappe from McDonald's, so we stopped on the way home... and I ended up with 2 egg McMuffins also... I know, great nourishment for sick people right? Bleh... it sure was good though! But that's the last time I will have fast food for a while. I just feel so guilty over spending the money! Ray is getting so many more hours since it's the holidays, so bigger checks, and it's hard for me to say no when he wants to spend it on... shit. He worked for it... but we have IMPORTANT stuff to spend it on... anyway, even if he does get fast food, that doesn't mean I have to. And I am not going to!!!

I forgot to weigh in this morning before I ate. So AFTER I had 2 egg McMuffins, some water and a whole LARGE Frappe, I weighed almost a pound less than yesterday. I wonder what I weighed before I ate! But I know that it's only because I was probably severely dehydrated from my stomach thing, and not drinking enough water lately! But mostly the sick stomach.

I'm getting in my water today though. It's not hard because I am actually thirsty today!

Ray's birthday is Tomorrow. The big 30 :) We're having family over Friday for dinner and cake and everything. Probably some drinking, we'll see. None for me if my stomach still feels like this.. and Ray is actually comming down with something different than mine. Him and the boy have soar throats and aren't feeling great :(

So anyway, I have to get this house cleaned. We got the tree up and decorated, but I have to get the rest of the Christmas stuff put out too. Even though I feel a little weak, I feel good other than that. AND I've rested up. I went to bed at 10 last night! So even though I wasn't feeling well, I got a lot of sleep, about 8 hours total. So I am awake, and now just have to pry myself away from the computer! And get at it!!! And keep drinking coffee!!!!

Because...

At least that's what my paper towel says!!! :)

And paper towel never lies!!!

It's Time for Weigh In Friday!

And the scale says...

That is a loss of 3.4 pounds this week

Making my Total Lost: 34.8 Pounds

My Totals for the week:

Treadmill: 0 :(

Crunches: 100

The way I ate? And NO treadmill? I know, it's crazy. Even though it started off bad, I was feeling better and better, and like I was improving each day :)

3.4 pounds this week, that's one of my largest weekly losses... and of course I am VERY happy about it :) But I can't really celebrate until I get back in the 'green.' I'm still loosing JUST to get back to where I was. I think 42 pounds lost was my best number...

So while I'm always happy about a loss, I can not wait to actually be loosing NEW weight again... you know what I mean? I sure don't want to end the year saying "lost 42 pounds, but gained back 'this much'"

So I HAVE to get back in the green before new years. Only 7.2 pounds left, I can do that before new year! 

What I ate Today-

Lunch: 376

Tuna on whole wheat with 1 tbs miracle whip, about 1/8 cup cheddar, jalapenos. 7 baby carrots with 1 tbs light ranch. Water

Iced Coffee: 105

Large glass with 3 tbs pumpkin spice creamer

Dinner: 1050 ?

2 slices of pepperoni, extra cheese pizza. 2 bread sticks with sauce. 6 oz sprite

Late snack 1am: 300 ?

1 slice pizza (smaller than the others)

Snack LATE: 23

Werther's

Snack 3am: 90

Mocha Bliss Special K bar

Total Water: 37 oz

Total Calories: 1944

WELL, I know it doesn't look great. I know I shouldn't have pizza, especially since I was so proud of resisting temptation last time! BUT, I had 2 slices for dinner. NOT 5, and not my new normal, 3. But 2. I am very proud of that. It was hard for me, I really wanted another piece... but I didn't have it.

EATING PIZZA

I actually ate my pizza with a fork!!! WITH A FORK! It took a lot longer and did help me control myself... I think helped me feel full by the time I was done also.

When I eat pizza, especially good messy pizza, I eat it pretty fast. You know, once you get a good hold on it, you don't want to put it down to mess that up right? And you take big bites, as not to slop on yourself lol... now HOW am I supposed to take my time, and limit myself, eating like THAT. It's not possible. So I grabbed a fork :) and I am going to do that from now on! When I was to the end, I picked it up but sat it down after EVERY BITE. All of this was very deliberate, but after a while it will just become habit and I won't even have to think about it right? We'll see :)

I am ok with my calories today, but staying up late is really hurting me. I wouldn't have had that other slice if I was in bed!!! I have ALWAYS been one to stay up really late, but when I was doing my best loosing weight... that was also when I was finally on a good schedule. I was going to bed at 9:30 or 10 at one point! I know I can't do that right now, but I need to slowly work to it. I HAVE to get on schedule.

Have a great day everybody!

"Will you pee for me?"

That's the question my Aunt asked me one day.
I was 10 or 11 years old. She had called my Mom, who then sent me over to her house. I walked over, and went in. We visited for only a few minutes and she asked "Will you pee for me?" I laughed. And said "yeah." This is something my Grandma would always say too, when she had to use the bathroom but didn't want to get up.
But my Aunt said "No really, I need you to pee in this cup for me."
And that's all I remember. I knew it was because she needed clean pee for a job, but did she tell me that??? I don't remember. I knew it was because she smoked weed... but I doubt she told me that... Maybe I just assumed that was it, since I knew my Mom did??? I remember thinking how dark my pee looked, and wondering if that was normal! Since I had never seen it out of the toilet before (remember, I was a kid) but that's all I remember...

Over the years, I have heard that question quite a bit since that day. From family, mostly my mom. Mostly for jobs, but once for my cousin who had to pee for child protective services... (I now have a lot of guilt over that one, but that's a story for another time...) That's just what happens when everyone you know is on drugs except you. I didn't mind at the time, I kind of thought it was funny.
Of course NOW, I have conflicting emotions about it. First I wonder- how did they all know I wasn't on drugs anyway? What if I was on crack, or even just smoked some weed, and didn't want to tell??? And just peed for them anyway? You know how stupid kids can be... that is definitely something that could have happened!!! But most of all- Being a parent now, I just can NOT picture asking my son to do that for me. OR letting my brothers ask him. And have to explain why? Umm... No.
But I grew up a lot different then he is... Which is good :)

Why this little trip down memory lane you ask?

WELL, today reminded me of that first day that I was deemed the designated family clean pee-er.
Ray's brother called today, and asked him to pee for him! Unlike me, Ray had NEVER in his life been asked this favor. On one hand, I could think of it as depressing... that after all these years, no one in either of our families can pee for themselves...
BUT I am looking at it in a positive way. When he got off the phone and told me what his brother wanted, we both smiled like 'wow can you believe it!?!?!'

So today he peed for his brother for the first time... and since his brothers can't stay off drugs, and can't keep the same job for long, I'm sure it won't be the last!
As for Ray? He was never addicted to hard drugs or anything, hasn't touched ANYTHING like that since he's lived with me. But he's been a pot head since he was about 14. He smoked it DAILY for at least the last 10 years.

But today marks his 114th day- weed free.
His brothers test came back, and he is officially, CLEAN :)
I am so proud of him :)

Now to get our food addictions under control...

What I ate Today:
Lunch: 348
Tuna Sandwich on whole wheat with 1 tbs miracle whip, pepper jack cheese, jalapenos. 6 baby carrots with 1 tbs light ranch. water
Iced Coffee: 105
large glass with 3 tbs hazelnut liquid creamer
Snack: 165
2 pieces (1/2) WFC Almond Chocolate bar
Dinner: 675?
2 cups macaroni&cheese + hot dogs, 1/2 cup leftover green bean/corn mixture, water
Snack: 165
2 pieces (1/2) WFC Almond Chocolate bar
Snack: 140
1/2 cup cottage cheese and 1/4 cup fruit cocktail. Water
Total Water: 30 oz
Total Calories: 1598
Macaroni and hot dogs is my son's favorite meal, but I hardly EVER make it for him anymore. I'm going to guess 3 times since February? I don't like hot dogs like I used to, but I do like these Hebrew National all beef, all natural ones ok. 150 calories each.
Those dang candy bars! Ray called his nephew over and bought more of them! I told myself only 2 pieces a day won't hurt, but I already messed that up. But tomorrow I'll have my last 2 pieces.
It's not great, but I think I'm doing a little better everyday...

Last night pizza was avoided. Ray said he was ordering some after our son was in bed, after we had already eaten dinner! I told him "go ahead, but I'm not having any!" and I wouldn't have either. I was determined not to. He must have known it, because he didn't get any.
Today we took a nap, and he wanted up at 11am. Because he wanted to go eat at Florentine's... I told him I didn't want to, I have to weigh in tomorrow. But it sounded like he really was planning on it... when the alarm went off, and he didn't hear it... I didn't wake him up! lol, it felt very sneaky, but I REALLY didn't want to go. I know I would do BAD if I went to a buffet today.
So when he did get up, he was going to order pizza! He asked what bills where due before he gets paid again, I told him. And that we really can't afford to be spending money on fast food... So he actually got a little pissy about it! I acted like I didn't know, and asked him what was wrong after a while... he let it go and all was well... but that shows me that he is just as addicted to fast food as I am... I think even more... I just always go along with it (eagerly), until now.
I'm sure I'll be faced with it again soon, and I can't say how I'll handle it... but I feel good about how I did today and last night. One day at a time...

BUT If he can kick his other habit, I know we can get through our food addiction. :)

I am still feeling pretty good... even the weekend task of putting up Christmas crap isn't overwhelming me... so that's a good sign.
I will see you tomorrow for my weekly weigh in, I hope it's good! I'm still weighing in daily at my Weight Loss Tracker, so I feel good about it :)

Well, I hope you enjoyed today's post and my little trip down Dysfunctional Family Avenue lol. I hope someone tells me they are also a designated pee-er so I don't feel so alone!!!! Ha! A girl can hope can't she? Don't worry, I know this shit isn't normal... but what can I do but laugh? It's better to laugh than cry right? :)

Have a great night everyone :) See you tomorrow!

What I AM Ready For...

Is to get back on track!

I don't know what it is, but I feel great today!
Honestly, don't ask me why... nothing has changed. Oh, except waking up to snow and freezing- but that did NOT put me in a good mood anyway!
In fact, I should feel worse...
I was having some second thoughts this morning. Wishing I would have used the money to see about getting the dryer fixed, instead of getting my camera and the hard drive... Especially since I was dreading going to the laundromat in the snow!!! I had even decided I was just going to go back to bed after dropping the kid at school, like I have been doing... I felt like crap this morning, like usual. Was thinking about the bills, and about every other depressing thing that has me down...
But... now I feel better.
SO much better.

Maybe being able to take those pictures

of the snow when I felt like it, helped?

Here's another one lol:

(My hair is just up,

I didn't cut it... yet!)

Maybe staying up, and not going back to bed? Maybe having my coffee and reading blogs/ playing on facebook? Maybe because I caught up on sleep the last couple days? (I was in bed at 10 last night!!!)
I don't know. But I feel Great!
I am washing my laundry now, and I don't feel overwhelmed by going to the laundromat, it's just something I have to do, and might as well get it over with! WHY can't I think like that all the time??? I do most of the time, but not these past weeks... Everything has just seemed SO OVERWHELMING...
But not now.
I feel like I can get back on track, and get back to LOSING, and say goodbye to gaining! I feel like I can get back on some kind of schedule, which I know is very important to my weight loss.
Ray has tonight off, that means I can actually get a good chunk of uninterrupted sleep! Woo Hoo! :)
Like I said, I don't know why I feel so much better.. I just hope it lasts!!!!
Have a Great Day everyone! 

But I'm not Ready!

This is what I woke up to today:

I know... this being Michigan,

I should just be glad it waited SO long!!!

But... I'm just not ready for snow...

I actually love snow,

just not on the roads or sidewalks!

Miya looking at the white stuff

As I took this picture

2 Canadian Geese flew by, honking like crazy...

They're not ready either!

Are you ready?

(Some of already have had it for sometime!)

I do really like having a camera

that works!!!

:)

What do YOU think about the New WW?

Have you seen this? Weight Watcher's is getting a point system overhaul, the biggest change in 13 years:
http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=news/health&id=7814937

I have never used Weight Watcher's before, but I know a lot of you have, or still do. Dear Margie was a lifetime member... It really seems to work for a lot of people... So when I saw this, I was just wondering what you thought about it.

It seems that fruit will now be 0 points... how many points were they before? Is this a big change?
I hate to admit it, but I think I'm afraid of change. So I thought of all the people that are on this plan, and wondered how it's going over...
Will it make people OVER eat fruit? Oh, I'm sure overeating fruit is a much better alternative than over eating other things (like my pizza!) but is it a possibility? Or is the change ALL GOOD?

I HOPE it's all good, for all of you on the plan. It sounds good, all the newest research and taking into consideration other things besides just calories... Hopefully whatever changes they are making will be for the better! :)
Just curious what my WW buddies out there thought of the whole thing :)

Out with The Old...

Well, now that a couple days have passed... I am a little disappointed in my new camera :(

But it's better than the one I was using! You had to have it pitch black to take a 'good' picture, why? I have no idea. It's hard to get it pitch black, but all of these pictures where taken after I made it as dark as possible in the room. The darker the better they came out, less yellow/lines.

So here's a few I emptied off the old one, the ones that you can actually make out anyway! 

Enjoy :)

See, they love each other! (sometimes...)

And they love me, all the time...

Except on flea medicine day!

This is AFTER I cleaned it up

Don't let her fool you... she is the one who mauled me ;)

This years jack-o-lantern... Or Cat-o-lantern?

I tried to copy one I saw on Anne H's blog :)

That one was much better though!

And I worked so hard

on the little hairs on it's back! lol :)

My Birthday present :)

Lucky Bamboo from Ray and the boy :)

(who is holding it, but I'm not allowed to show- he said so! lol)

Have a great day!

Just This Weeks Food and Exercise

OOPS. THIS IS THE SAME ONE I POSTED THE OTHER DAY. WHILE I WAS ADDING TO IT, I SOMEHOW SAVED IT AS A DRAFT INSTEAD OF POSTING... SORRY!

Even if I have nothing to say, or depressed and don't want to write... I think it is very important that I keep track of what I'm eating. So I'm going to keep track of it on this post. I figure that way only when I do a new(real) post, it will show up on the blog rolls... and I'll just update this everyday to show my food and exercise (or lack of). I figure this will get me back on track, without doing a separate post JUST to show what I've eaten every time.
Not that I'm depressed right now! I'm ok :)
We'll see how it works out, I might just do this every week after weigh in.
Since I already had Friday's on that last post of what I was eating, we'll start with yesterday...

Saturday-
Breakfast: 1280
McDonald's- 2 egg McMuffins, 1 large mocha frappe
Snack: 90
Mocha Bliss Special K bar
Dinner: 1375 (estimated)
Salad with ham, light ranch, croutons, mozz cheese. Ordered Florentines- 3 slices pepperoni pizza (one with jalapenos), 2 bread sticks with sauce, 4 oz coke
Total Water: 22 oz
Total Calories: 2635
Fast food... not good. 3 slices? Unacceptable. I would have been ok with 2. I would feel awesome if it was ONE. Didn't eat the crust on 2 1/2 of those slices. The nutrition info is not online, so I used a similar place. Ate salad first so I would eat less, didn't work as you can see! My fault, gotta get back some self control! Not enough water. Got to get back to at least 40 oz per day.
Now with my new plan, and recording what I eat no matter what- I'm sure I'll have less days like this one!!!

Sunday-
Coffee: 70
with 2 tbs pumpkin spice liquid creamer
Lunch: about 460
2 waffles, 1/4 cup syrup and 2 fried eggs, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 80
String cheese stick (mozz)
Snack: 165
1/2 'World's Finest Chocolate' bar
Dinner: about 545
Stuffed Squash (1/2 acorn squash filled with stuffing) with about 1/2 tbs Country Crock, 1 slice whole wheat bread with CC, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 82
1/4 Chocolate bar
Snack: 240
Cereal- 1 cup Special K Vanilla Almond, 1/2 cup rice squares, 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 82
1/4 chocolate bar (the last of it)
Snack 1am: 300
1 cup special k with ff skim milk, 1 slice cinnamon raisin bread
Total Water: 42 oz
Total Calories: 2024
The 'about's are because I don't have the box for the waffles, but I estimated them to be 100 each. Also, step Dad made the stuffed squash, but I looked up the squash, stuffing and sausage and hopefully that is close to the right amount. The candy bar I bought when Ray's nephew came to the door selling them for school... I know, I could have just got Ray the kid one, but I got me one too. It was for a good cause! lol :) I know... that's no excuse! Anyway, mine is gone now.
Crunches: 100 (5 sets of 20)

Monday-
Breakfast: 250
Coffee with 2 tbs pumpkin spice creamer, 1 1/2 slices of cinnamon raisin toast with CC
Lunch: 460
Tuna Sandwich on whole wheat with 1 tbs (store brand) miracle whip, cheddar/pepper jack cheese, jalapenos. 5 baby carrots, 1/2 tbs light ranch. 1 pickle spear (1/4 pickle?) water
Snack: 300
Cereal- 2 cups Special K Vanilla Almond with ff skim milk
Dinner: 1090Romain salad with jalapenos, croutons, cheddar, 1 1/2 tbs light ranch. Pizza Hut- 2 slices medium (14") pepperoni, 1 slice medium pepperoni jalapeno, 1 1/2 bread stick with sauce. Water
Snack 2am: 250
piece of cold pizza
Total Water: 36 oz
Total Calories: 2350
I JUST got done writing that I could go one week without fast food... I told Ray this morning that I had made that commitment. Then I fell asleep around 4, woke up at 7 and still had to make dinner... Ray asked what I wanted from Pizza Hut and I told him "I don't care." Instead of saying "NOTHING!!!" But no excuses, no blame. It was my fault and honestly, just laziness! Even after it got here I kept telling myself, JUST ONE... but no self control... UGH. Now I have let myself down AGAIN, and all of you :(
I WISH I had the motivation or the excitement I did in the beginning... I don't. But I am sick of letting myself down, and feeling like crap. I will try and do better tomorrow... I WILL do better tomorrow.

Tuesday-
Snack: 90
Mocha Bliss Special K bar
Lunch: 500
2 slices left over pizza
Snack: 200
Cereal- 1 cup Special K Vanilla Almond w ff skim milk
Dinner: 535
About 4 oz BBQ chicken, 3/4 cup green beans + corn (with salt, pepper and a little bit of ranch seasoning), 1 cup ff skim milk
Snack: 350
Cereal- 1 1/2 cups Crunchy Granola Raisin Bran with ff skim milk
Total Water: 27 oz
Total Calories: 1675
Better calorie wise... but still not the best choices. As I ate that raisin bran, I thought 'Wow, this is GOOD. Must be a lot of calories.' Then when I looked, I was still surprised! 190 per cup, maybe I'll just let the kid have the rest of that...

Wednesday-
Coffee: 140
A little extra coffee, with 4 tbs pumpkin creamer
Breakfast: 140
1 slice whole wheat toast with honey peanut butter
Snack: 80
1/2 cup cottage cheese with a little pepper, water
Lunch: 1150
Arby's $2 toasted subs- Classic Italian and Turkey Club, water
Iced Coffee: 105
Coffee, ice, 3 tbs hazelnut liquid creamer
Dinner: 280
2 cups of Sweet and Sour Chicken (Green Giant frozen meal bag. Frozen veggies, pineapple, sweet&sour sauce. Add my own chicken) 1 cup, then 1 hour later another cup. Water
Snack: 165
2 pieces (1/2) World's Finest Chocolate Almond bar
Total Water: 36 oz
Total Calories: 2060
I really shouldn't have had Arby's at all. But having 2 instead of 1 :( It's because you have to get 2 for $4... but that is NO excuse. Next time Ray is just going to have to eat 1.. or 3! His choice! (I don't plan on there being a next time soon... but you know how that goes with me) I know it was a bad choice. I know I have to do better. I am going to try to do well for the rest of the day and keep those calories under 2000.
I went over by 60 calories, not bad... but if I would have only had ONE sub, that would have saved over 500! Grrr... I know it was stupid. SO stupid. I don't know what gets into me! And you want to know what else??? Ray wants to order pizza! We ALREADY ATE DINNER! I'm trying to talk him out of it, but if he really does... I'm not having any. I promise myself that, and you. It will be SO HARD, and the FIRST TIME EVER I am going to refuse pizza... but I will. Because I am dedicated to getting back on track. I need to get back to losing. I already messed up once today, I'm not going to do it again. I'm fine with 2060 calories, especially with all the exercise I got doing laundry. (Wet laundry is heavy! Had to wash it all, then bring 4 loads to the laundromat)
NO PIZZA TONIGHT, NO MATTER WHAT.
And tomorrow will be better :)

Weigh Day? Not Good. Mood? Better.

First let me say hello to Mercy. Thank you for joining me in my day! It hasn't been my normal day for a while now... but hopefully it will be again soon! :)

Now to the weigh in.
Of course it's not good. I didn't get on the treadmill once this week, I ate pretty much whatever I wanted...
So the scale says:

288.6

That is a gain of 3.2 pounds

Making my total loss 31.4 pounds

I think my chart shows I had lost 32 pounds or so back in April. APRIL! That is 7 months ago! And I have lost all the work I have done since then. Ugh, that just sucks so bad...

I know what I need to do, and what I should be doing... Why can't I find the motivation?

As you know, I have been stressed out. But that can NOT be an excuse. I need to get on that treadmill no matter what mood I am in. And logic tells me that just the act of walking will make me feel better! It's just so hard to do when I don't want too... But I NEED to.

Now that Thanksgiving is over, I am feeling better. I guess the stress of that, and not even knowing if we were going to spend it with the family- was really weighing on me. Once I finally asked my brother the big question, I felt a huge relief. He didn't come over one night he said he was going to, so I did it the easy way. A text :) I wrote something like "I wanted to talk to you about smoking weed while ****(my son) is there. I was hoping you all could wait till we leave, or if you can't wait, go outside? Is that coo?" and he texted back "Yep, that's fine yo." lol, So it worked out for the best, I didn't make a big deal out of it and he didn't either. Oh, but it could have went SO DIFFERENTLY, and I'm just thankful it didn't.

We had a great Thanksgiving. I hope you all did too! I'm behind in my reading, so I have to play catch up!

I was in charge of making pickle wraps, onion wraps, the night before. Me and my son also decided to decorate cookies :) We had fun. I also made the goop (Green Bean Casserole, except DELICIOUS), and macaroni. All the food was so good. (I have everything I've been eating on the last post.) I had a lot, but honestly I am proud of myself. I really thought about what I wanted, and the 2 plates where 1/2 the size 2 plates would have been last year! And for dessert I had one piece of pie, and one bite of another. Every other year I would have had a piece of each of the 3 kinds! AND THE BIGGEST CHANGE: I didn't bring home any dinner leftovers. Not even of what I made! We do have stuff here to make more pickle wraps, but the 1 cookie for each of us I brought home are gone, and I have not been pigging out on thanksgiving dinner all day! Woo Hoo! Step Dad sent home 1/2 a stuffed squash that I will probably have for lunch tomorrow, but that would have usually been eaten yesterday at Thanksgiving along with the 2 huge plates. I did pretty good for me. Especially since I've been doing SO bad...

This morning I got some exercise, I shopped my FIRST Black Friday. I don't do crowds, but I had to drop Ray at work this year anyway, so I figured I might as well stop at 2 places while I'm out. I got in line at Target, and I swear I was almost at the back of the store. The line went across the whole front, then around to the back. I'm sure it went around again because there where a lot of people that got there after me! I almost went back home. I just knew the camera I wanted would be gone. But after waiting 15 minutes, I got in there and got my camera! AND an external hard drive we have needed for a long time, $60 off! I was so happy! Then I went to Meijer and got everything I needed from there too!!! Some nice pairs of jeans for Ray and the kid 1/2 off. 2 lego starwars sets for the kid for Christmas Buy one Get one 1/2 off, a new cordless phone 14.99 (ours got fried about a month ago), and a big coffee mug for Ray's Birthday. (He will be the big 30, and the mug says so lol) I was home by 5:45am, and it all went so much smoother than I expected! I just really lucked out I think :) I am so relieved! Do you go shopping on Black Friday? How was it for you!?!?! I can't say that I'll make it a habit, but it really did work out very well :) The managers at Meijer were even handing out bottles water to all of us hard shoppers lol :) So nice of  them.

This morning after I went to bed and woke back up later, it was like Christmas! lol. Opening up my camera, phone, ray hooking up the hard drive... I haven't had so many presents since I was a kid haha :)

On top of the $150 gift card I got from Happy Fun Pant's Review Blog, I also got a $50 gift card from my best friend (who hasn't even sent me a card since she moved 6 years ago! Such a great surprise!) and then at Thanksgiving my middle brother gave me a card and $50! I've never had Birthday money like this before. And any money  I ever do get I have ALWAYS spent on Christmas presents, or bills. But I REALLY needed a camera. I swear not having one that works has added to my depression. I LOVE taking pictures, I think it is great therapy, and now I have a camera that works! Its a tiny little thing. Metallic Red, Nikon Coolpix. $79. I really like it :) So anyway, I got stuff we really needed, at great prices and I am happy :)

Of course some of that money was already spent on food for thanksgiving and other things we needed. Like getting drunk last Saturday night. That was actually in the instructions from my best Friend! lol. Ray and I had some drinks and had a good night. Played Guitar Hero, and kicked ass :) lol, at least I think I was doing pretty good! It's funny, I only have the urge to play that game when I'm drunk... and now I won't play it for another 6 months I'm sure, and I'll be awesome at it then too! haha. (or will think so anyway)

So yes, my mood has been ALL OVER the place. I had a great birthday this year, even though it was in the middle of all this stress and gaining all this weight back. Halloween and Thanksgiving proved to be more than I could handle as far as my eating. But now I really do feel better. Not GREAT, but so much better.

I am determined to get on the treadmill and do my 5 miles this week. I didn't do it today, but I have 6 days left. I did start off the new week on a better note though :)

Crunches: 100 (5 sets of 20) 

As far as blogging, I would really like to record my previous days food every morning when I update my weight loss tracker. And keep up to date on everyone else's blogs. So that's my goal. I still feel a little overwhelmed with all that... I really have to shorten my blog role :(  

Oh, speaking of goals! As you may know, I had set the goal of loosing 50 lbs in 2010. It was SO achievable when I set it... but now since I keep gaining, I'm not going to be able to do it. So I'm not going to concentrate on that, But am going to do my best to loose as much as I can by the new year!

I'll at least be here to update my eating and weight loss tracker daily, and for sure do a real post for Friday weigh ins! I really want to be able to read everyone's blogs daily too. SO That's the plan... but lately my plan changes with my mood, like 5 times per day ;)

But this should work :) 

What I really need to do is get back on a schedule! Ever since I got the car back (which I am SO VERY grateful for) I have been bringing Ray to work and my sleep is all off. I think I really started getting depressed after I got the car back... that HAS to be why! I was on a good schedule, was used to getting a nice chunk of sleep... and now it's back to these weird hours, and I am not getting used to it! I HAVE to get on a schedule. I think I will feel so much better, and be able to cope with things so much better...

Alright, I'm done rambling now :) I'll see you later! Hugs and Take Care!

Still Going to Take a Little Break, BUT... Here's What I'm Eating!

I don't want to gain back more weight than I already have!

Miss Verity Vaudeville left a comment yesterday, asking if it was wise to distance myself... and she is right! The 2 weeks I was away I fell completely off track and am having so much trouble getting back on! I have gained about 10 pounds since before that 2 weeks... I don't want to gain another 10! If I stay completely away, I might just do that!

I need a little break, a break from writing all the depressing things that are my life right now. A break from thinking about it any more than I have to! BUT I don't want this to be a break that lets me eat everything in sight. And I'm afraid if I don't feel accountable to anyone, I will!

Thank you all for your support, and understanding my need for a little break... and I'm going to be taking that break, while not completely forgetting about my weight loss journey.

So I've made a decision.
I'm going to still report what I eat everyday, and any exercise I may do. I'm going to just do it on this post, in case anyone is interested, but mostly just so I know I have to... then I will be more mindful of what I'm eating and hopefully it will help me not go completely off track again! Today I know I ate more than I would have if I was thinking that I have to come share it!!! If I had thought about how I have to come share all of it, I probably would have eaten less! So I won't be making a separate post for everyday, just adding it all here until I get back to a more normal blogging schedule.

I think this will help me. I am just feeling so overwhelmed lately, and sadly the blog is adding to that... but at the same time I know how important it is and how much it's helped me. This way I can catch up with everyone else's, and still hold myself accountable without feeling the urge to write a 10 page post about all my complaining and yucky feelings :) Even though I know I would get nothing but support from you all :) I just really don't want to dwell on any of it anymore than I have to I guess...
I hope this makes sense!

So I will be here in the mornings when I'm updating my Weight Loss Tracker, with what I ate the day before.
And also any treadmill I get in.
Thanks again everyone. I know this will pass, and I will feel better and be back to myself. I'll see you then!

So Here's What I'm Eating:

Tuesday-
Breakfast: 105
1/4 cup iced coffee, 1 mocha bliss Special K bar
Lunch: 1576 holy crap
Arby's- Italian, and Turkey bacon club $2 subs, 4 mozzarella sticks, water
Snack: 133
6 Hershey kisses
Iced Coffee: 105
Coffee with 3 tbs pumpkin spice creamer, ice
Snack: 43
1 Hershey mint miniature
Dinner: about 670
1 piece of lasagna, 1 piece garlic bread, water
Snack: about 250
1/2 piece of lasagna, water
Total Water: 52 oz
Total Calories: about 2882 (2132+ 1 1/2 pieces of lasagna)
No need to comment lol... I know it's horrible. See? This is what happens when I don't plan on reporting it to anyone! Bleh :(

Wednesday-
Lunch: 1000
2 Pieces of leftover lasagna
Snack: 22
1 Hershey Kiss
Coffee: 70
with 2 tbs pumpkin spice liquid creamer
Iced Coffee: 105
with 3 tbs ps creamer
Snack: 248
4 pickle wraps (while making them)
Snack: 340
4 sugar cookies (while baking them)
Snack: 150
1 decorated/frosted sugar cookie
Total Water: ? not enough, maybe 8 oz
Total Calories: 1935

Thursday: Thanksgiving
Breakfast: 220
Coffee with 2 tbs pumpkin spice creamer and 1 decorated sugar cookie
Snacking throughout the day at Mom's: ?
4 pickle wraps
1 frosted sugar cookie
2 tiny squares of fudge
6 oz whole milk
Thanksgiving Dinner:
Plate 1- 1/2 cup potatoes, 1/4 cup corn, 1/4 cup gravy. About 3 oz turkey, 1/4 cup stuffing, 1/2 cup goop, 1/2 cup macaroni, 6 oz whole milk, water. Plate 2- about 3 oz ham, 1/4 cup stuffing, 1/2 cup macaroni, 1/4 cup goop.
Snack: 1 piece of apple pie with 1/3 cup ice cream, 1 bite of cherry pie
Late night snack: 2 cookies, 1 cup ff skim milk
LATE night snack: chips and cheese (about 12 tortilla chips, shredded mozz, salsa)

Black Friday-
Breakfast: 1 piece leftover lasagna
Snack: 8 oz hot cocoa
Coffee: McDonald's Medium Frappe (declined any food, not hungry)
Dinner: Hot Turkey/pepperoni/pepper jack cheese/jalapeno sandwich. 1/2 cup low fat cottage cheese, 5 baby carrots (no ranch!) water
Snack: 8 tortilla chips with 2 tbs salsa con queso, water
Late Snack: 2 1/2 pickle wraps, water
LATE snack: Cereal- 1 1/2 cup frosted puffed wheat w ff skim milk
LATE/ 3am snack: 1 mini bagel with cream cheese
Total Water: 24 oz
Total Calories: ?

Not Doing So Well... Going to Take a Blog Break

I haven't been on the treadmill once.
I get up every morning with the best intentions, and then loose all motivation.

Yes I'm stressed out. Maybe a little more than usual, but I can't keep letting that throw me off track!

One of the new things piled up on top of everything else, my sons report card. He has always been an A student. Some Bs sometimes... but it's because I stayed right on top of him and reminded him about his homework every day ect. Now that he's in middle school I don't know EVERY thing that is going on. I was so worried that when he started middle school he would have trouble. That it would all overwhelm him...

My son is very smart. Since he was a baby, just SO smart. But he also has a hard time paying attention, and gets side tracked very easily. He forgets what he is/was doing a lot, not just in school work. My Mom said I should check out ADD drugs when he was around 3. I'm like "no mom, he's just being a kid!" Then when he was in 2nd grade his teacher actually told me I might want to think about getting him on some medication... I just couldn't see doing that. He was so young, and doing excellent in school... He is more on the shy side, never caused any trouble... so why would I drug him?

Anyway, a few weeks back I went online for the first time to check his grades. He had As, Bs and a C+. Now a C+ is fine, IF that's the best he could do. But I know he can do better. I made sure he knew that if he didn't bring that grade up before report card time he would be grounded from video games until his NEXT report card, 9 weeks away. He said he could bring it up, and I ask him ALL the time if he has homework and he never does... Now he brings home His report card. Instead of all As and maybe a B or 2, These are his grades: A, A-, B+, B, B-, C+, C-, E.
WTF?
I was SO PISSED. And Yelled at him more than I probably have in his whole life. He DOES have homework, he KNOWS he has to do it, but just didn't. I asked him what he thought was going to happen when he didn't do his homework? He knew I was going to see it, what did he think I would say? "I don't know." Is pretty much all he says. I can't explain how upset I am about this.
And the online "up to date" progress reports I can access daily? What a crock of shit. I thought he would be bringing home 1 C+ because of that. Now that it finally updated, nothing has been added since the 11th. So NOTHING from the new marking period, it still says the grades from his report card... So I can now see all the assignments he missed from LAST marking period. So how am I supposed to stay on top of all his grades/ assignments if they don't update it? I even signed up to receive weekly emails from all his classes, the last 2 weeks were exactly the same! What is the fucking point of getting a weekly email if they don't ever change?!?!?!

So I'm not sure what to do. He is grounded from all video games until his next report card, in 9 weeks. Maybe he does have something like ADD... but more than that, I think he is addicted to video games. Which is of course our fault as parents. Ray's addicted to them, and so is he. I think that more than any kind of ADD, he just would rather play video games or watch netflix. I think that that was more important that doing homework. He has NO problem remembering things he has to get done in his games, or the new achievements he can get on what day... so now I'm hoping he can be just as dedicated to his school work without so many other distractions. I always just kind of let that go, because he really is such a good kid. And always got good grades... but obviously something has to be done.

And I am on his ass. Every day, I'm looking at his planner, and asking what every single thing is, if he got it done. I'll be checking that online thing often, hoping that it will update soon so I can see how he is really doing. I don't really know what else to do. If he still gets bad grades, what then? I guess ask the doctor what they think. (I hate his doctors office, since age 8 we don't go unless absolutely necessary) I really do think No video games will help a lot. He's not even upset as I thought he would be... but really what can he say? I warned him... and he still didn't care enough to do what needed to be done.
Missing a few assignments? Fine. But he didn't bring home ANY homework all marking period, and he had a LOT he was supposed to do. The only thing he brought home everyday was 20 minutes of band practice. Little did I know that she also hands out homework to bring home on TOP of that. (That's the class he got an E in. The class he works the hardest for. He practices that thing everyday, I never dreamed she handed out extra homework on top of that.)  It doesn't matter though, he KNEW he was supposed to be doing this other work. And he just chose not to! I just can't fricken believe that! What was he thinking?!?!
So I want him to do well in school, it is the most important thing on my mind right now. The perfect time for him to get sick right? Yeah. He had to stay home from school today....
I have been sick to my stomach or had a horrible head ache every morning for a while now. Today is the first day I didn't, but now he is sick :(

Anyway, as you can see all this has me very upset. I guess I'm so upset because of the bigger picture. I just want the best for him. I want more for him than I have. Isn't that what every parent wants? And he has always done so well in school, and I just knew that was the ONE thing I didn't have to worry about- his education. But now this changes all that. If I let him he would just play Xbox all day and not care if he failed every class. And straight up lie to me when I ask him about homework... That is hard for me to except.
I just want him to do well in school, go to college, have a job he doesn't hate, live in a nice safe place... I want him to have everything I didn't. And don't.

UGH.

Speaking of wanting what's best for him...
Thanksgiving is only 3 days away. I still haven't talked to my brother. We haven't been over there in 4 months because them all getting high all the time finally just got to be to much for me. They no longer care if my son is there, and don't try to make sure the smoke is kept far away from him anymore. Sure they don't do it in the same room, but it's a tiny ass trailer. Where they used to go in the back, or outside- now it's in the next room or like the last time, the enclosed porch where 5 people open the door to get inside right where my son is and bring all the smoke with them... They just don't care. And I'm fucking sick of it.
Why don't they want whats best for him? Why does his own Grandmother think this is all just fine? Me and her fought about it afterwards. Her saying things like "It's not my house. I only took one hit. I didn't know you cared, you stopped complaining about it." Complete bull shit. While we are not fighting at the moment, just thinking of it makes me so full of rage all over again.
So besides me and her fighting, no one else has said anything. She told me she's not telling my brother (Bear, who's trailer it is, who wasn't even there when I had finally had enough) so he knows nothing about it. But he HAS to have noticed we don't come over anymore right? He is stoned everyday, all day... so maybe not. Anyway, I have to confront him and make sure NO ONE will be getting high while we are there. If they absolutely have to, I need to know they will go outside away from my 12 year old. (Their only nephew, and only grandson that they should be caring about without me forcing them!) So how do I do this without causing a fight? Or getting dis invited from Thanksgiving? Or disowned? Haha. Who knows. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
I figure if I don't make a big deal about it, he won't either? I'm just going to say: "He is not exposed to weed anymore. I just want to make sure that won't be a problem. That you can all wait till we leave to get high, or at least go outside if you CAN'T wait." We'll see what happens. If he does throw a fit? Well, then fuck him. They are pretty much the only family we have left, but at the moment, I don't really care.

So yeah, I guess I am stressed. Once Thanksgiving is over I think I will feel SO much better.

I have bad news about Ray's Mom. She had to call into work last week because her vision was so bad. She went to the doctor and they said she needs surgery, but they can't operate because her sugar is way to high. She has also been having trouble with her feet because of the diabetes, which I just found out about. Ray is in complete denial about how bad it's getting. He just says "Oh it's just her cataracts. She's fine now." I don't argue... but I think it's worse than she is telling us...

Oh, another fun thing...
The townhouse I grew up in, started on fire Saturday. It's in this complex, if I walk 5 steps from my porch I can see it, another 200 and I'm there...
The outside is fine, the inside and everything in it is a loss. The basement is ok I guess.
It was weird to see it, everything black, the blinds melted off the windows, all the firemen... but that's all. Just weird. It's where I grew up, where I brought my son home to when he was born. But I don't have any emotional attachment to it. The whole time I was there I couldn't wait to get out of it.

It just so happens Ray's brothers girlfriend (one of many) lives there. Her and her 3 kids weren't home. The landlord is going to move them into a 2 bedroom until a 3 opens up. Which was really nice, especially seeing it was most likely caused by candles she left burning...
I really feel bad for her though. Now she has lost almost everything. Thankfully she has her family.
She has been through a lot with Ray's brother this last year. She lost their baby, about 6 months ago I think... we attended the memorial service.  He leaves, comes back, leaves... really fucks with her mentally. I love ray's brother, but sometimes he makes me sick... the way he treats women is just awful... I won't go into all of it now, or how many kids he has.... just know I think it's disgusting and sad that he is never going to grow up. And only the women that love him, and all his kids are going to suffer for it.

BUT I have my own problems. I can't worry about her, or her stupid decisions... He's like family, and I can't be thinking of all these silly girls every time I see him. If I do I might end up telling him off one day... that's the last thing I should do right now! haha, like I need his whole family mad at me too. Oh that would be funny though! "Hey you selfish piece of shit. Why don't you grow the fuck up and think about someone else besides yourself for once in your life. How about you go get snipped so you can quit having kids you aren't going to take care of. And for Fucks sake pick a girl and stick with her! Maybe even pick one that has a kid by you already!!" ahh... that would be great huh? I know it would make me feel better ;) But I won't.
Like I said. I got enough problems.
He was here yesterday... had been helping her salvage some stuff from the basement. He found 8 grams of cocaine, and was pretty happy! Who cares her house burnt down, it was his fucking lucky day!
Ugh... do you see the kind of people I'm surrounded by? It's really no wonder I'm depressed...

And yes, I am pretty depressed. Just so tired of everything you know? Struggling everyday and getting no where... Living by the golden rule when no one else does... Ugh, don't get me started! (and no, this so far is not even getting started haha)

Despite everything I had an ok weekend. But now I'm feeling low again.

Me and my son are fine. I'm upset right now writing about it, but I yelled at him about it Friday/Saturday, now I'm done. Now I'm just going to be very strict about it and make sure... he doesn't lie and say he did everything in his planner??? How am I going to do that? Ugh, he better not. He knows I'm checking online now, and hopefully wanting to play his video games in 9 weeks will be enough motivation for him. AND not ever wanting to see me that pissed off ever again!

Tomorrow he will be back in school. I have a very busy day... I'll be bringing him to school, picking up Ray, bringing him to donate plasma, waiting in the parking lit for an hour or more, doing about 5 loads of laundry when I get home, then taking all that to the laundry mat to dry. Then making dinner...
I would love to say I will get back to doing the treadmill tomorrow, but I'm not going to say that. Because I probably won't.

I feel like all I do is complain lately. And this shit has to be depressing to read! So I'm going to take a little time off from my blog. I will come back when I'm a little less stressed and have some good things to write about. I'm thinking after the holiday is over, no later than Monday Ok? I don't want to just keep writing about the bad all the time... it's not any fun. For me, and I'm sure not for you either.

I'll still be here reading yours though! I have to catch up the last couple days of course.

To make sure I don't completely go off the deep end, as far as food again, I am going to make a promise:
I WILL write down everything I eat. It's when I don't, that I really mess up.
I will try to get back on the treadmill, I know it's SO important for my weight loss.
I will update my weight loss tracker every day.

Thanks for all of your support, and I'm sorry I'm so winy lately.

I'm going to take a page out of colenic's book and list some good things in the middle of this chaos.
My middle brother JW got a job today
Ray is getting a LOT more hours because of the Holidays
It was a beautiful 65 degree day out today, even with the storm later and tornado watch :)
Besides this temporary grade set back, I really do have a great son. We have a good relationship, and I'm confident this lying was just a phase (umm... am I in denial? Just let me stay here if I am ok?)
I know Ray loves me
My car is working
I got a surprise birthday card from my best friend
The 3 of us watched Avatar together and it was very nice :)

Again, I'm sorry all I do is complain. I know it could be worse and others have way more problems than I do. I know I will feel better...
Oh, and I should apologise for all the swearing too :) I really don't swear a lot... I guess I swear more when I'm angry or depressed... but rest assured I don't talk to my son like that. He's heard it all form my Mom and brothers, but I've never felt the need to swear in front of kids... Ok, maybe when some idiot almost crashes into me while I'm driving, but that's about it ;)

Ok, Goodnight everybody. I'll be back!

Friday's Food Disaster

It seems to me that EVERY Friday after weigh in, I never do well with food. Maybe it's the relief and knowing I have a whole week ahead to fix whatever damage I do? I don't know, but being Friday AND coming off my birthday both probably contributed to this disaster of a day.
I started off ok, I felt nauseous a lot of the day and wasn't really hungry... So all I had was vegetables for dinner. I was feeling ok with my day.
Then I started feeling better, FINALLY at about 8pm. And the munchies kicked in...
No excuses though, I could have used a little will power... could have made better choices! There is no reasonable explanation to why I would eat all this.
So lets get this out of the way and move on:

Yesterday's Food:
Coffee: 50
1/2 cup with 1 1/2 tbs pumpkin spice creamer
Lunch: 590
4 hard shell tacos, 1 bite of rice, 1 bite of beans
Iced Coffee: 55
1/2 cup with 1 1/2 creamer
Dinner: 55
1 1/2 cup boiled veggies (frozen mix- broccoli, cauliflower, carrots) with 1/2 tbs parmesan
Then came the snacking :( Binging is more like it...
1 slice of cinnamon raisin bread: 80
1 slice of cinnamon raisin toast with 1/2 tbs cc: 110
1 mini bagel with cream cheese and 8 pepperonis: 340
Veggie chips with cheese and salsa: 250
1 piece of cake:? 1/2 cup ice cream: 130
White Cheddar Cheez its: about 150
1 werthers: 23
This was all between 8pm and about midnight... Why? I really don't know, I have no idea. But even for those 2 weeks I was gone I didn't do this! I over ate a lot at meals, and I did snack a lot... but to just eat one thing after another, a whole new snack every 20 minutes... I am so disappointed in myself.

I am glad I got that out of the way. Even though it is HORRIBLE, I'm glad I got recorded it. Seeing it makes me have to face how out of control I got, and how easy it would be to just do that every day... to gain all my weight back- and then some! Those 2 weeks and this are set backs...
I have really been letting myself down lately... and in doing that, I also feel like I'm letting down those of you who support me... and I feel bad about that :(

I'm glad I got this all down and over with. I'm not going to dwell on it. just try to move forward.

Right Now, surprisingly, I feel great.
I have 6 days left till my next Friday weigh in and I still believe I can loose the 2.6 pounds if I really put my mind to it. My mind is to it right now, I guess the struggle is KEEPING it there.