Bad Day. Good Night.

I had a very bad day... kind of had a little break down I guess. I have been under so much stress, and just trying to ignore it... but it all caught up with me today. It was mostly because I was upset with the situation with my Mother. I won't go into all the details, but lets just say: My son deserves more. He is such a wonderful child, and he will be grown before I know it. I keep waiting for my Mother to grow up. Waiting for her to start caring, and be a grandmother. She thinks she is... she thinks it's just fine to have him over and do absolutely nothing with him. To let him sit in the hot sweaty trailer and play video games for 10 hours straight. To let her boyfriend promise him EVERY SINGLE SUMMER that they will go fishing. They never do, they never do anything. My Mom and Jeff are to busy doing nothing. The want him for 4th of July weekend, but don't even think to take him to see fireworks, or buy fireworks, or do ANYTHING with him... Of course my son loves it. He doesn't know how dysfunctional our family is. He thinks it's normal. He loves going over there and having no responsibilities! What kid wouldn't like to lay around and watch TV and play games ALL day and ALL night??? He doesn't change his clothes EVER when he's there. No matter how I try, she won't tell him to change his clothes, or brush his teeth, or anything like that.
I'm sorry. I said I wouldn't go into it.
I let him stay there last night, because of the fights. It's only the second time EVER that I asked her to take him a certain night so I could do something. (both times I had to deal with bull shit) So she decides at the last minute she is taking him to Jeff's brother's, where Jeff is house sitting. Not to the fireworks, or just stay home... but somewhere I don't want him to be. God, I don't even want him at her house most the time!!! Let alone there!!! I had no idea the fireworks were last night till Jeff told me last night. This is the first year my son actually wanted to go... and they had no plans on taking him. I planned on it tonight, since it's the 4th I just assumed they were tonight. But ;ast night I went to the fights. So today I was really mad at myself. Me and Ray never do anything, and had been planning on the fights for weeks. But, I should have cancelled and went to fire works...

I don't know what happened, thinking about this made me feel guilty. That led to me just feeling guilty for all kinds of things. I should be doing more with him too. It made me hate my mom for not being a good grandmother. And myself. It made me so sad because my son deserves so much better than this... So I pretty much lost it. I was just crying and crying. When Ray came down I was trying to explain what was wrong... how my son deserves to live in a nice neighborhood, have a yard, have a safe place to play, have a dog... he deserves to have grandparents who care about him... he just deserves so much more!!! And I am so torn about what to do, I hate letting him go over there- but he loves it. I don't' want to have a full blown fight with my mom and have to explain that she is a shit grandmother... I just can't deal with all of this and all I could do was cry. I pretty much felt like the worst mother in the world... It was a lot that had been building up, and it all came out today.
I'm sorry. I said I wouldn't go into all the details... well I didn't go into ALL the details... but that's pretty much what went on today... I sat here and sobbed uncontrollably, I didn't' eat all day, Ray ordered pizza, I ate for the first time around 6pm and started to feel better.

I decided that I was going to get my son whether him or my mom wanted me to or not. We were going down town to watch those fireworks, whether I hate driving or not. And were going to have a nice time dammit! I had Ray call because I really couldn't talk to my mom. Then I talked to my son and yes, he wanted to go... a little hesitant since it meant leaving grandma's, but he said yes. So we picked him up and we went to Ray's brother's and Mom's. Ray's brother ended up driving to park for the fireworks which I am SO grateful for. We did quite a bit of walking, which was ok even though it was SO HOT. We had a good time. Ray has to be up for work in an hour, poor thing. Usually he wouldn't have went with us, but I think my breakdown made him do it... I don't cry often, and this was more that crying. To be in the state I was in, well, I don't know what he was thinking... Just that he'd do anything to make me happy I guess.

Now we are all home. Everything is fine. I have the worst crying headache ever... and I don't feel any better about the situation, so a lot of good that did me! While I do have regrets, I know I'm not the worst mother in the world... it just felt like it for a while today...
My son wants to go back over to Mom's tomorrow. She wants him too. when we were leaving I actually had to send him back in for his things because she had told him to leave them there since he would be back tomorrow... but I don't want him back there tomorrow. It's going to be another 90 degree day, that trailer is a sauna. If he is just going to sit around and play video games, he could do it here. With out the smoke, and with a air conditioner that is working at the moment... I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I know that I am so angry with her that I can't even talk to her. She doesn't even know it either. I'm sure she could tell when she came out to the car that i was mad, but I'm sure she has NO idea why. I don't know what to do. I'll deal with it tomorrow.

So I ate a lot at one time, AGAIN. But I didn't eat anything the rest of the day until about midnight. I doubt I had over 2000 calories. I got in at least a mile of walking too. I feel sick now, but I think it's because my head ache is getting so bad. I'm going to take Ray to work in about an hour and a half, come home go to bed, and hope everything is fine tomorrow.