i'm not feeling well today. I am very depressed. My day started off bad and just got worse and worse. i swear, it's just one thing after another. I really do try to stay positive and remind myself it could always be worse, but it didn't work today. Of all day's, today it should have worked, considering what others around me are going through! It makes me feel even worse about myself that i am so depressed when others have so much more to be depressed about... but i can't help it. I'm going to keep this short because I will probably be fine tomorrow or the next day, and i don't want to say anything i'lll regret.
Like on my facebook tonight. I put my status as: Tina "knows that when it rains it pours." that's how I kept it. What it DID say before I changed it was:
When it rains it pours
and no one gives a shit.
That's just the way it goes,
I should be used to it.
but i erased it, I don't want my cousins or other fb friends writing and assuring me how much they care. (the same goes for you lol. I know you all care... and I do so appreciate it!) I know some do, but anyway. I took it down because I don't go fishing for things like that. I just got off face book all together because it's dangerous to be writing things when i feel this depressed... especially on something so public as facebook. I shouldn't even be on here probably!!!
I doubt I will sleep much tonight. It is almost impossible for me to sleep when I am this way.
I wrote down what i ate all day so I'll post ti tomorrow. I ate a little much at dinner but I didn't binge or anything.
Ray found out a little more about what happened yesterday. He didn't just choke on his vomit from drinking alcohol like we thought. He was probably on other drugs, but what he died of was a methadone overdose. It makes me sick, because he probably got it from the methadone clinic downtown. I don't know all the details, I'm no drug expert, but I always thought the clinic was somewhere to go if you are trying to get off some shit. That They give you a shot or whatever at the clinic and send you on your way. WELL, I found out a few months ago (from my cousin who's boy friend would go to get it), if you pay upfront they give you a few days worth to take home and use daily! WHAT THE F***? They give drug addicts methadone, and trust them to take daily at a certain time like it's just aspirin or something?!?!?! GIVE ME A BREAK!!!! You know the government is getting a lot of money from it or it wouldn't be legal. They don't care about the addicts. Obviously.
Anyway... I got off track...
I'm fine, I feel bad about a young man (24) dying like that like anyone would, and i feel bad for his family and ray. But Ray is fine today. He hadn't seen him in a long time, and I think he's taking it ok...
If you are the praying type, please pray for the young mans his family and for Ray's cousin D. He isn't doing good at all. He can't get the image of his friends face out of his mind. It was in his house and he is having a really hard time. I am very worried he will turn to drinking to try and get through this... he is a good guy and has some problems with alchohol. and I am so scared he might not recover from this. He could ruin his whole life.
I said I would keep this short, sorry. I NEVER keep it short it seems. Im going to try and work on that... I don't talk a lot, like you would think from these rambling post...
The worse i feel the more I write so that doesn't help.
And him dying isn't why I'm so depressed. I don't think. I didn't know him, so I'm fine.
Please pray for D. Thanks everyone. I'll be back as soon as i feel like myself.
day away
18 hours ago
Don't apologize for writing so much, it is wonderful therapy and I like being able to share your ups and downs with you. If you don't write about them then I can't be of support to you, keep on writing. You need to pull up your socks and deal with what is depressing you. If you let it eat at you, you will not be able to function and then all your hard work will be for nothing Words from a friend who feels she can say what she feels as we are very good friends supporting each other. It is a difficult time for your family, especially your brother, and it must be agonizing for him. Support him in all ways you can. Please don't try to justify what the young man did. No matter where he got the stuff, ultimately he chose to use and paid the consequences. That may sound a little cruel, and I don't mean it to, I have a passionate dislike for drugs and alcohol because of what it does to people and families. Been there, done that and it was not a pleasant experience. I like to think "the choice is mine" in all we say and do. I am keeping you and your family in my prayers and thoughts. Please hurry back because I miss you. Super hugs for today!
ReplyDeleteSorry you are feeling so down today - and I wouldn't think you were fishing if you wrote that all on fb - I mean what are friends for, true friends, if they aren't there when you are feeling your worst. Right [and why aren't we friends on fb anyway? :)] But since you aren't fishing I won't tell you how much I care and that if you need anything I am just an email or phonecall away. Nope you don't want to hear it so I not saying it. heehee. Love ya sweetie!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry about the young man's death and I understand you trying to rationalize it by blaming a faceless entity like the government, but I can assure you [having worked in a doctors office that had a methadone clinic for those out on probation -ask me how fun that job was]that not only did the people working there feel deeply and want to help the addicts but a clinic is a losing money proposition anyway you look at it. There is no profit to be made but it is more important to help the people and have them return to a normal productive life that they are willing to take the loss. And no clinic is going to give out enough methadone for a person to OD - it goes against every purpose of why the clinic is there in the first place. Your friend probably got extra from someplace else. If he could find heroin [at one time] methadone is a lot easier to obtain. Most likely he wanted a better high, but needed to keep clean [with just the methadone in his system] to pass his drug tests to get the methadone. It is very sad that he was trying to get his life together only to have it end so soon. I am very sorry and I hope you don't think I am being harsh either - but Tessa is right - he chose to do this. I just wish he had the strength to want to help himself. Heroin addiction is insidous. Unfortunately no one could help him unless he chose to help himself.
Just remember today is a new day - with new promises and possibilities and if you don't like today? Just wait - tomorrow is coming! I always tell myself that no matter what the sun is going to rise tomorrow and I am going to make damn sure I am around to see it. :)
Hang in there - we are right here with you.
Hugs! Hugs! Hugs!
I have days like that, Tina. It sucks, but it does always seem to get better. I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThanks Tessa, it is VERY good therapy :) I feel SO much better today.
ReplyDeleteOf course you and SkippyMom are right. People make there own choices no matter what is supplied to them, and you have to deal with the consequences.
Wow, I didn't know you worked with stuff like that SkippyMom, you know more about than I. I'm shouldn't blame the clinic. I just have a hard time understanding how they can give an addict a bulk supply... I mean they are addicts for a reason, they don't have the self control some one would need to have 4 days worth of methadone on them. It's just a little crazy for me to comprehend...
The more we find out, the more I wonder. I guess it wasn't so much the methadone overdose, but how numb it made his body PLUS all the drinking. His stomach couldn't throw up and that's the main problem? I'm not positive. But he's gone, no use in trying to figure out what we won't ever know for sure...
You guys are right though. We all make out own decisions. Just like I can't blame the fast food places for making me fat. Of course not the same thing, but the same idea.
I think everyone is ok, no word on the funeral or if I will be going (i would rather not...) and no word from D. (ray's cousin) I hope he ok. I ask Ray if he's talked to him, and we could go over there... but I think he's just trying to give him space.
Anyway, thanks for your support :) Hugggsss, love you ladies :)
You too Shauna, thank you!!!!
I'm late to the party on this one, but I think it's great that you posted - both about this and the spilling cows (WTF?) pulling you out of the funk/sadness.
ReplyDeleteWhile it's true - we all have a lot to be thankful for, it's not a great help when you're in the moment. I'm glad that you blogged about your sadness instead of eating all the way through it. Even if you did eat to comfort, you at least REALIZED it. And THAT is great.
Spilled cows...that's going to make me giggle often today. :)
Thanks Happy Fun Pants. I am glad I did too. It really is great therapy, I need to quit second guessing myself. I just think "I feel horrible now, but when I come out of it- I'll be embarrassed about what I wrote." But it's how I feel, and I need to get it out. PLUS there are such great support on here, and others that understand :)
ReplyDeleteDon't you dare ever be embarrassed of what you write [I just spelled write as "right" oops! THAT is embarrassing...giggle]
ReplyDeleteWe are right here. Always.
It would take quite a few spilled, stampeding cows for me to go away. heehee. love.the.cows.