Here's My Day:
Breakfast: (240) Fiber One Bar-Oats and Chocolate, 1/2 iced coffee
Lunch: (713) Chips (about 20) and Cheese topped with Taco Soup, Brisk raspberry iced tea
Snack: (300) Sundae Shop Chocolate centered Nut Cone
Dinner: (1136) Hungry Howie's- 1/2 turkey club sub, 1 slice pepperoni pizza, 2 small cheese sticks, romaine salad with 2 tbs light ranch 2 tbs croutons and 1/8 cup cheddar, Water
Snack: (322) 82 grams apple, 31 grams strawberries, 41 grams grapes 3 tbs fruit dip, 1/2 iced coffee
Total Water: 20 oz
Total Calories: 2711 :(
No excuse for today. Feeling depressed. But that's no excuse. I wish I couldn't eat when I am depressed like some people, instead I eat more. Can't make myself get on the treadmill. Tomorrow WILL be a gain on my official weigh in day. That sucks, but I did it to myself. Could have been prevented.
Don't know why I am so depressed. Well, I do know why- memories, feelings, pain, all pushed deep down. Sometimes it comes to the surface, and THAT is what I don't know the why about. Why today? Why any day? I don't know what triggered it but now I am thinking of the things I can not change, all the pain I can not get rid of...
Ray asks me whats wrong all day. It only makes it worse. He hugged me and that only made me cry. Most of the memories today are because of him... it was so long ago, and I really did forgive, but I can't forget. I so wish I could forget, but I can't. He is grown now, and not the same person. I know he loves me. He will spend the rest of his life making it all up to me, and I believe this. It has been 6 years since he promised me this, and I do believe it. But what am I supposed to do with all this pain? I can't take it out on him, I already have, years ago. I can't scream at him anymore and ask him why... if I say I have forgiven... that's just not fair to him.
I don't cry. When I do it really hurts me, makes me feel weak. So on top of feeling depressed and hurt, I feel weak now. I don't feel like myself at all... I feel like... someone else... not me. But still me...
I know one thing, I can't sleep when I'm depressed... it's going to be a long night.
12 hours ago