Thursday, May 27, 2010

Thursday. Depressed.

Here's My Day:
Breakfast: (240) Fiber One Bar-Oats and Chocolate, 1/2 iced coffee
Lunch: (713) Chips (about 20) and Cheese topped with Taco Soup, Brisk raspberry iced tea
Snack: (300) Sundae Shop Chocolate centered Nut Cone
Dinner: (1136) Hungry Howie's- 1/2 turkey club sub, 1 slice pepperoni pizza, 2 small cheese sticks, romaine salad with 2 tbs light ranch 2 tbs croutons and 1/8 cup cheddar, Water
Snack: (322) 82 grams apple, 31 grams strawberries, 41 grams grapes 3 tbs fruit dip, 1/2 iced coffee
Total Water: 20 oz
Total Calories: 2711 :(
No excuse for today. Feeling depressed. But that's no excuse. I wish I couldn't eat when I am depressed like some people, instead I eat more. Can't make myself get on the treadmill. Tomorrow WILL be a gain on my official weigh in day. That sucks, but I did it to myself. Could have been prevented.

Don't know why I am so depressed. Well, I do know why- memories, feelings, pain, all pushed deep down. Sometimes it comes to the surface, and THAT is what I don't know the why about. Why today? Why any day? I don't know what triggered it but now I am thinking of the things I can not change, all the pain I can not get rid of...

Ray asks me whats wrong all day. It only makes it worse. He hugged me and that only made me cry. Most of the memories today are because of him... it was so long ago, and I really did forgive, but I can't forget. I so wish I could forget, but I can't. He is grown now, and not the same person. I know he loves me. He will spend the rest of his life making it all up to me, and I believe this. It has been 6 years since he promised me this, and I do believe it. But what am I supposed to do with all this pain? I can't take it out on him, I already have, years ago. I can't scream at him anymore and ask him why... if I say I have forgiven... that's just not fair to him.

I don't cry. When I do it really hurts me, makes me feel weak. So on top of feeling depressed and hurt, I feel weak now. I don't feel like myself at all... I feel like... someone else... not me. But still me...

I know one thing, I can't sleep when I'm depressed... it's going to be a long night.


  1. I have the same sort of depression. No sleep, and lots of eating. It's tough.
    The best advice I can give you is to tell you to get outside, get some sunlight on your face, feel the breeze. Get off the computer and DO something. Crunches are good. Pushups. OR anything outside. When it comes close to bed time, turn OFF the computer, it emits a specific wavelength of light which our body associates with daytime. I lately have been having a glass of wine or some Benadryl when I feel the insomnia coming on, and it does seem to help cut off the nasty cycle of insomnia/depression.

    You're doing great losing weight, and people see it. It's hard sometimes, very hard, and depression is just one more thing you and I have to deal with. But the cycle can be broken, you don't have to give in.

    Be strong.

  2. Thank u so much. I know I'm in bad shape when reading my post and your kind comment makes me cry more.

    I know you are right. If I go outside I might feel better. If I would have got on the treadmill last night, I would have felt better... it's so hard to do though when we feel so bad...

    I will try today though. I slept more then I thought I would last night, and I'm going to get up and clean. Get on the treadmill early maybe, so I don't NOT do it later. My goal for today will be to not eat just because I'm depressed. It doesn't help anyway. I'm going to concentrate and eat when I'm hungry, not just because there's leftover pizza in the fridge!

    Thanks again. I might still feel bad, but you're right. I can be strong anyway!

  3. that sounds so much like me. i view crying (for myself) in the same manner. it's ok for others but not for myself. i find that i have cried more in the past month than i have in the past four years. people tell me that it was good for me; i'm not so sure. i'm trying to be stronger and do better but it is hard.

    you're doing great on the weight loss journey. i keep saying tomorrow will be better, but then tomorrow involves more of giving of myself to ron and there's no time i feel that can be spent on just me.

    but, i keep looking forward to those tomorrows, whenever they might come.

  4. Awwww. Hey baby! I wish I could give you a big hug. Ya know, whatever it was that haPPened, it's better out than in. I agree with you in PrinciPle, Ray should not go on having to hear about your feelings. But on the other hand, you need to helP yourself recover, and suPPressing your feelings is not going to achieve that. Hey, email me Privately if you would like to talk, mrs.vis zero one at gmail dot com. Love you girl! xxoo

  5. Teresa
    Oh yes, it IS ok for others but not myself. Weird aren't we? LOL.
    People always say to let it all out and you feel better... and I do believe that in some cases. It is important sometimes. In this case, it didn't help me, and it never does because eventually it comes back up... it's something that I can't let go of and no amount of crying will help me.
    I'm sorry you can't find anytime for yourself. It must be so hard to have to deal with all of that. I don't know how you do it. Maybe you could just go for a 15 minute walk in the evening to get some exercise? AND to just get away for a bit?
    Hang in there.

    Michaela, you are SO sweet. Your support is almost as good as a hug :)
    I just don't know that I'll ever recover... BUT I think this is the first time this year I have gotten really depressed about it... so that's SOMETHING. Maybe I will get over it someday... it just doesn't seem like it, it's been so long.
    I feel a little better today. Thank you so much. xxoo