Depressed Today

I had a bad day today.
I need to get a job. Today I was planning on going to apply for a job, and was stressed about it all morning.
I worked since I was 16, until 5 years ago. I lost my job but Ray was making enough money to support the 3 of us, and I loved staying home with my son who was only 6 at that time... Ray is working thank goodness, but it's not enough hours now... as much as I wish it were different, I NEED a job. I have filled out applications but nothing ever happens... honestly here in Michigan there aren't any jobs right now. To make it worse, I have gained so much weight and am so self conscious I get very discouraged, thinking about how I will never be able to compete with other people applying...

Today that is exactly what happened. There was a "hiring event" for a new store, and I thought I at least had to try! It was from 10 till 3, but I couldn't get there till about 2. I was going to get ready and all those thoughts came into my head... "It has already been 4 hours, there have probably been hundreds of people there, they are not going to hire me over them, I've been out of work for over 5 years, and I'm almost 300 pounds... there's no way." and I talked myself right out of it... I know it is mostly my being so self conscious about my weight, but I also know that most of what I was thinking IS true. BUT I should have tried anyway... I'm so mad at myself for not trying... Before I was afraid of how hard any job would be, just standing for a long time would kill me! But now that I have lost 27 pounds, I do feel a lot better. I do the treadmill everyday, and I know I could handle light physical activity at least. Of course it will be hard at first, but I think I can handle it. I know I need to get out there and try, but it is so hard for me... all those doubts just tell me I'm wasting my time...
I'm pretty depressed right now. Mostly mad at myself that I didn't try... and mad that I let myself get this over weight... I'm just depressed about everything right now I guess... and keep adding to the pile of things in my head that are wrong in my life... ugh... don't get me started...

Anyway, I felt heavy and bloated all day... I have stepped on the scale and I'm up. My weigh day is tomorrow and I am sure it will be a gain, which makes me upset also... I thought I would loose a lot this week! I haven't ordered out once this week, OR stopped at a single drive through... and I though I would loose a big number....
On top of all that, it was 82 frickin degrees today!!!! Ughhhhhh, everything I did made me sweat. It was ridiculous!!!

Today is the 1st of the month, so I am supposed to take a picture of myself... but I'm just not in the mood at all. Not to mention I don't want to change into that outfit... thinking of it makes me hot... Tomorrow I will feel better, and I'll take it then.

Here's My Day:
Breakfast: (250) Fiber Plus Bar- dark chocolate almond, 2% milk
Lunch: (670) asparagus stuffed chicken, 1 cup of broccoli cheese rice, about 1 cup 2% milk
Snack: (147) Yoplait Light Yogurt cup with 1/4 cup multigrain clusters
Dinner: (766) 1/3 Jack's frozen pepperoni pizza (1 serving), A Large Iceberg Mix salad with cheese, light ranch, and 1 tbs almond accents. 5 baby carrots, water
Snack: (370) 5 store brand oreo cookies and 1 cup 2% milk
Total Water: 36 oz and 10 oz of Sobe Life Water- Fuji Apple Pear
Total Calories: 2203
I have to go shopping, I am out of skim milk so have been drinking Ray's 2%. I think it is helping with the heavy full feeling... I ate to much today... Feeling so crappy made me eat, I tried to make good choices... I didn't have enough water today, and I really feel it... I feel full and... yucky
Ugh. Sorry for such a whiny day... Some will be like this I guess... I'll try and do better tomorrow, and try not to let the scale get me down...

Treadmill: 30 minutes/1 mile  with 2 LB weights for 5 minutes of it(all week except Tuesday... I think I have forgot to write it though)
One good thing is that I forced myself to do the treadmill. Even though I was sweating from the heat after 5 minutes, I stayed on it for 1/2 hour. So that's good. It didn't make me feel better though....
I honestly feel like I need a drink... Did I just write that??? Holy Crap I did... I won't erase it, because it's honestly how I feel, no matter how messed up it sounds... Instead of feeling like I need a gallon of ice cream, I feel like I need a fifth of vodka. Good thing I don't have either in the house!!! OMG, I better go to bed.